(written April 27th)
I've been back for only an hour and a half and I already miss it like crazy.
Even though it was probably one of the most fucked up weekends of my life.
It seems like my life is just a constant repetition of the question "To be selfish or to not be selfish?" I don't think I've ever heard it so fiercely, though.
The bus ride to Reno was pretty interesting. We ended up leaving way after than we'd meant to, since we were waiting for people to take Bio tests, haha. But I didn't mind. Mark and I had a lovely time cuddling, and I was really happy, just enjoying being with him without worrying about oh, making my friends feel awkward and shit like that. It felt really good, all ten/elevenish hours of it. Everyone got really restless, but part of me never wanted the bus ride to end. The only bad thing about it was Jayne being really loud and obnoxious. At least she slept for half the time. For lunch, we stopped in Bishop to eat at Erick Schat's (?), which was yummy. I had a delicious turkey sandwich. Mark and I got Cinnamon & White Chocolate gelato, too, yum. We got to Reno at like 8ish and then Mark, Erin, Beth, Mrs. Lee, Jayne, Adam, Andrea, Michael, and...Katy? ate at Johnny Rocket's, but we split up into two tables; I sat with Mark and Erin and their parents. Dinner was nice. Chatted with both tables and had a good time. Afterwards, we went to Mark's room to play SSBM, which made me sad because I sucked. But that's nothing new. But then Mark and I cuddled on his bed, and it was really, really lovely. :)
The next day, went to University of Nevada, Reno and checked out the room we'd be performing in; listened to two crappy bands. Then, we performed, and I actually wasn't that nervous, which was pretty cool. Mark and Adam sat right in front of me, which I thought would make me nervous, but actually made me feel more comfortable, which was nice. It wasn't my best performance, but it wasn't bad. My solo was probably the best that I've done so far, though, and like everyone complimented me on it afterwards quite enthusiastically. It was pretty cool, and I feel pretty good about it, even if it wasn't like OMG UBER. I think I accomplished my goal; at the beginning of the year Jayne asked me to set a goal for music, and my goal was to have a good solo by the time Reno came around. So yeah, I'm proud of that. We all felt pretty good about our performance, too, which was good. The only embarrassing part was that since I was accustomed to being the last soloist but Mr. V'd just recently made me the second one, I went on after I finished the solo, instead of looping back the solo bars, whoops. At least it wasn't audible on the tape.
Lunch was a lot of fun. Sat with Mark, Adam, and Erin. I was eating sushi, and we were talking about it, and Mark said, "Sagami!" to me (Sagami is a little Japanese place that I have gift certificates to that Mark is helping me to spend, since they don't give change if you spend less than the certificate's amount), referencing us going there alone together, and I touched his arm and smiled--and Adam was like, "Does that mean I love you or something?" HAHAHA. OMG, it was freaking hilarious. After we finished eating, we played Egyptian Rat Screw, which I utterly fail at (at least I get it now, unlike last time at Mochilato, haha), so it wasn't that great, but we still had fun. After a while, we decided to go to the University bookstore, where Mark, Adam, Jayne, and I had fun with the webcam on the MacBook there. Jayne and I got in a little tussle because she kept asking me to go upstairs and I didn't want to, and then she made some comment about how I wanted to stay with Mark or something; I don't remember, but it was really stupid, and I got really exasperated. Earlier, she'd already made a few comments about me ignoring her when Mark came around or something and how she wanted to finish conversations and shit. Both times, Mark kept demanding that I just do what she wanted me to do, or else she'd get mad at him.
...
That made me so fucking angry. The fact that he was so resigned that he would say something like that--the fact that
Mark had to resort to just doing what she wanted, just so she would leave us alone... WOW. But why should I do something that I don't want to just so that my
friend won't bother my boyfriend and me? That is fucking ridiculous. I knew that this had all gotten way too far when Jayne was wanting things and Mark was willing to give them to her and
I didn't want to. I wasn't about to just submit to her neediness. Maybe if she'd mentioned it nicely, or gone about it in a more pleasant way--but then again, Jayne's never exactly been one for gentle words. So I texted her, "Aren't you supposed to be happy this weekend? I'm tired of your shit." I didn't want her stupid comments to ruin my vacation weekend. She texted back, "My shit? Okay. I'm sorry I ruined YOUR weekend" and I replied "Yeah your shit i don't think you heard me whining. Just let me be with mark and stop being so... Oh fine elaine dont talk to me blah blah bf blah blah".
Later, we were waiting in front of the buses and I was talking to Erin and Beth and stuff when Jayne came and dragged me away and told me that if I wanted to say something to her, I should say it to her face, and then we got in a big fight, and I yelled and cried. Yeah, for once, I was the perpetrator, and I still feel bad about that (because everything that happened afterwards might not have happened if I'd kept my mouth shut), but later, multiple people pointed out that it was about time that I said something, and that I had the right to, especially since like... If she has the right to bitch, then don't I as well? I dunno. Anyway, in the end, she was like, "Fine, I just won't talk to you this weekend, then" and I said "That's not what I'm asking for; I'm just asking you to please stop making stupid mean comments that are just meant to piss me off" and then she said "NO, I'm just not going to talk to you" and stormed off. We didn't speak a word for the rest of the weekend.
After that drama, Mark, Erin, Gilda, Ben, Beth, Mrs. Lee, and I stayed at the University and watched a couple of big bands perform, which was pretty awesome. The theater was so pretty! Fullsome had really weird repetoire, but they sounded pretty awesome. Just...really, really weird. After the performances finished, Ben, Mark, and I sat around talking about girls and stuff, which was a lot of fun, haha (everyone else went to use the restroom). Then, we walked all over campus trying to find somewhere to eat dinner; in the end, we just bought food from the convenience store, hahaha. At like seven or something, we went to watch UNR's production of
Joseph and the Amazing Techincolor Dreamcoat, which was...amusing, to say the least. Ours was probably a thousand times better, a conclusion we pretty much all drew from like the first word out of Joseph's mouth, hahaha. After the show, we went back to the buses and then lost Erin for a scary five minutes. Since we still had like half an hour left until the rest of the kids would be done with the concert they were watching, we went to the Lawler Events Center where the concert was and just kinda chilled outside. We did end up going in for a tiny bit, and I wanted to listen to it, but then we were leaving, so boo. Went back to the hotel and played Melee again with a bunch of people, yay.
When we went back to the hotel, I was reading
Life of Pi on my bed when Erin came over and told me how Beth'd talked to Jayne who'd been really upset and crying and stuff and said that her mom wanted to let me know that I could talk to her and ask her what Jayne'd said or I could talk to Jayne and fix things by myself. I was still really pissed at Jayne and feeling like 'good riddance', so I was just like, "Um, okay".
The next morning, after showers and stuff, Mark joined us and then we went downstairs to check out what we could get for breakfast. We decided not to get the buffet and to eat at the Cafe instead, but then we realized that the Cafe was more expensive than the buffet, so we walked out and went to the buffet place, but then we realized that there was now a huge line, LOL. Ended up just getting something from the 2nd Express place again. Piled up onto the bus and headed for UNR again. Jayne acted more obnoxious than ever, but I was just like whatever. We hear that she told everyone about the conflict and stuff, and I'm just like...lol how pathetic, but Mark gets really upset. But in the middle of the day, after Jazz I performed (which I thought was awesome),
Erin confronts Mark. The three of us were just walking, and then suddenly Erin starts lecturing Mark about being really unreasonable and how we're making things so tense and how she just doesn't understand why he won't let me hang out with her and all this stuff, and Mark gets like OMFG ROAR. Then, they argued about it very heatedly while I was standing like right there in like total WTF zone. Angry, Mark went to the bathroom, and Erin was like, "Oops, I guess I made him mad. Sorry. I feel bad now" and I was like...LOL OMFG.
Like half an hour later, after we watch this awesome performance that like sixth graders put on, Erin and I are alone as we walk to the bus because Mark doesn't want to talk to her, and Erin's like, "Elaine, really, you should talk to Jayne; she just wants her best friend back. You should patch things up...." And I'm basically just like, "To be honest, Erin, I don't exactly want to at the moment." She kept insisting that we're best friends, and so I just straight up told her, "Actually, we haven't been 'best friends' for like the past five months" and she's like, "But she was crying..." and I said something like, "Okay, but if she wants to be my friend I expect her to treat me like a friend" and then told her very briefly about how Jayne used to yell at me all the time
before, and how THAT created the distance, not us being together. She still wasn't very convinced, though. After I wasn't exactly like OMG YES I MUST TALK TO JAYNE NOW, Erin muttered to herself, "Well, I think I've successfully isolated myself from every single person on this trip..." so I figure that she tried to talk to Jayne or something and was scoffed.
When we got back the hotel, Mark and I went back to his room, and we basically just sat around because we were too stressed out to even hug. At like 5, Beth came in with Mrs. Lee and is like OMG, dinner! but that she needs to talk to us--"Because right now, Erin is crying in her room, upset that you two and Jayne won't get along." Well, um. Shit, right? So then Beth confronted us and basically lectured/talked about how Erin's really upset because we won't get along and how Jayne is really sad that we can't get along with her, and she just keeps lecturing about how she knows that Jayne is hard to deal with and that we're good kids but we just need to understand that Jayne is jealous and blah blah blah. So then Mark asks his mom to leave the room, and then he explains how a lot of it is like... He gets really mad that Jayne says a lot of things to piss me/us off and explains how he's tried really hard to stand her and blah blah. I pretty much didn't say a word during the whole thing because I felt
extremely uncomfortable talking to Beth about this. It was just gross. All I said was that the reason Erin probably lectured Mark was that she doesn't Mark's or my side of the story; I've barely said a thing to her about it all since I don't want her to get involved because she gets
really worried and stuff and I just can't handle that. But Jayne's probably complained about stuff a lot, so that's my fault that Erin reprimanded Mark when maybe she wouldn't have in another situation. We went to dinner peacefully and had some really good Round Table Pizza, yum! Our pizza was really, really good, OMG. I'm craving it now, haha.
Anyway. So then we went to the Awards Ceremony/Concert thing, and the entire time, Mrs. Lee was like
all over Mark, which was like... "Okay..." She was being like...really possessive (any time I looked away or we stopped talking or something, she would like start touching him and talking to him and stuff), which made me feel really bad for causing her to feel that way. How awkward, too. I texted him "lol your mom's so possessive i feel really bad" and then he replied that she'd said that she wanted to talk to him later and that she was probably going to lecture him about having a girlfriend. Oh, great, right? Sure enough, when we go back to the hotel, she calls him to her room. Unsure about what to do and not really in the mood to be asked by Erin if I'm okay again and still feeling really awkward around her, I went back to my room and called Diana, and we talked for a while, which I enjoyed a lot and really needed. Jayne came to hang out, though, which was awkward but not too bad I guess, considering I was occupied. After a while, the phone in the hotel room rang, and when I picked up, Mrs. Lee was on the other line asking me to go to her room because she wanted to talk to me. Oh man, I was so freaking scared. I high-tailed it out of there and headed to her place.
So we sit down on her bed and she starts lecturing/telling me about how she and Mark just had a huge fight and he just ran off, and she's very angry, so she wanted to talk to me.
So she talks about how she's like super jealous of me and how Mark's like omg putting me so above her and how we're so into each other and stuff and how she can't use it 'cause it used to be her that he'd be all cuddly with and like allllll this stuff. OMFG, it was so fucking intense. And then she lectured me about how earlier that day (or was it the other day?), after dinner, Mark and I kept walking ahead really fast and she was lagging behind because she was tired and sick, and omg ERIN had to stop and walk with her and ask if she was okay and like how it was so horrible because her son that she raised for eighteen years and his girlfriend didn't give a shit about her and stuff. And then she ranted for a while about earlier in the stadium at the awards, she'd asked Mark to walk her down the stairs because she was tired and sick, but he'd said "But Elaine is scared" (meaning that he was going to help me with the stairs), which pissed her off like crazy. And then after that, she was going down these stairs that had a sign at the bottom that was like...OMG DON'T WALK ON ME, and Mark was like, "Mom, don't use those! Those stairs are bad!" and yelled like five times but she just ignored him because she was mad that we weren't chasing her down on the (bad!) stairs and helping her. Which I find kind of ridiculous, really, but Mag says it's a very Asian thing.
Then she lectured me for like twenty minutes about how Erin's so upset because she feels like a total third wheel around us and how awkward it is for her because we're always cuddling and stuff and I was like nodding along as she was saying this stuff, but then later I realized
that wasn't even the freaking reason that Erin was upset--she was upset that Jayne, Mark, and I weren't getting along! So that's kind of annoying now, that she thinks we're like some bitchy couple that made Erin cry because she feels left out. But the reason she misunderstood the situation is 'cause Mark asked her to leave before we really talked to Beth, you know? That sucks, though. Anyway, then Mrs. Lee went on about how we make everyone at school feel really awkward and how we shouldn't touch each other around other people unless we're alone like on a date and I was like UM LOL. Then she went on about how we're going to lose all our friends if we go on this way, and then she talked about how sad it made her that like... In college, she and Mark's dad were like uberly into each other, so they lost connections with all of their friends, and now they're both like...alone in the world, and she doesn't want that to happen with us so we have to make sure we keep our connections and stuff. I was like OMG, I know this
but like "Yes, ma'am," but then she just looped everything over again (she's very Mark, hahaha; they just like to drill the pain into your skull so you never forget that feeling of being hurt!). Then she talked for a while about how I have to make sure that I stay friends with Jayne until Graduation--after Graduation, I can never speak to her if I want, but before that, I must remain friends with her. I found this really weird advice because the previous day, after Jayne and I fought, Mrs. Lee had asked what was wrong and then had gone on for a bit about how Jayne sucks. The funniest part of the whole thing was probably her saying (talking about how I have to stay her friend 'cause she's just jealous--later, Di said, "Since when did a person being jealous of you mean that you have to be friends with them?" which I kept wanting to ask Beth and Mrs. Lee, hahaha, WTF), "I don't know if Jayne used to like Mark or something... Or maybe she really, really liked you and is sad that you're not as close anymore..." LOL, oh man, if only she knew. Anyway, I was finally like, "You should sleep and rest your throat" and then escaped. Didn't really have anywhere to go (I actually wanted to go talk to Ben, but I figured Mark was talking to him already, and he probably needed it more), so I went downstairs and got a drink and journaled for a bit. Mark texted and then I went to his room, and we talked about it briefly but were basically both like "Blegh" and decided that I should talk to Erin about everything that night (so she wouldn't have such a skewed view on things and at least explain why I/we're not happy with Jayne and stuff so she doesn't think Jayne is just like omg victim in all of this.
At 11, I leave for bed check, and I'm like pissy/grumpy/sad as I walk out of the room, and Mr. Michel is like, "Smile, Elaine!" and I just say, "No." Went back to my room (Jayne was still there, which was weird, since...bed check?) and went to shower. Alex texted me and asked how I was doing and if he could help in any way and OMG, I was so freaking touched. It's one thing for him to have told someone that he cares about me, but it's another that he actually wanted to help, you know? Anyway, the room is silent for pretty much the rest of the night, and I fall asleep reading for the second night in a row. In the morning, the first thing Erin said was, "Are you okay, Elaine?" and I said not really but tried to make it clear that I didn't really want to talk about it. Also I noticed that during the weekend, Gilda went from hanging out with us to totally ignoring us, which was kind of interesting. Anyway.
We get on the bus, and everyone is sitting single seats, which is always really annoying and selfish. Mark hands me a Venti sized Shaken Passion Tea Lemonade without ice, awwwww! It was really, really sweet of him. I was really touched.
But then Erin didn't have a seat, so she went to go sit next to Jayne, who was sprawled out on two seats. And then Jayne bitched about it for like ten minutes and kept saying how she wanted to sleep and had to lie down and how she was supposed to get up at one and stuff. I was really mad and thought it was utterly ridiculous and mean, especially since Erin had been so indignant on Jayne's behalf
at Mark and me, you know? But the worst part was that Erin gave in and let Jayne have her seat and went to sit with her mom in the front. I heard later that she had this really blank, sad expression on her face, and didn't say anything for a long time. And well. You know how sensitive I am about like...what a friend should do and stuff. She can talk shit about me all she wants, but treating Erin like that is just...so fucking wrong, especially since Erin like fucking
worships Jayne. Well. Nothing I could do about it, I guess.
After a while, they put
Enchanted on, and Mark left to go sit with his mom as some sort of reconciliation, I guess (he bought her tea in the morning, too). Sitting there with Firebird and Murphy and
Life of Pi and Mark's blanket and jacket and my iTouch and it was just like... Like, what a fucking ridiculous predicament we were all in. We were all sitting separately. It was so wrong. What happened to the days when we were a group? Well. I'm over that, of course. Except, you know. When we're all laughing at a joke or when I look at the pics we took together or I remember some inside joke we had or... Sigh.
Anyway, we stopped at Erick Schat's again, and I had another turkey sandwich. Sat with Charlie Frank instead of joining the group, so that Mrs. Lee could sit with Mark without me being in the way. Was kinda bitter, but I enjoyed talking to Charlie and was glad that we had a lot of stuff to talk about. Later, Ben came in and watched our stuff for us while Charlie and I got gelato. I got White Chocolate and Hazelnut and shared it with Mark, yay.
The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful, except for Adam asking where Mark was and if something was wrong (I was touched by the concern he radiated). Oh, it was freaking hot as we drove through the desert, though. I took off my top shirt and then sat around with my shirt pulled like halfway up, hahaha. We begged for them to let us stop somewhere, but they wouldn't, boo. When we got back, Irvine's temperature was 101! Insane! Unloaded and stuff, and then said goodbye to Mark halfheartedly and then went to go sit on the steps by myself since Jayne was talking to the Michels and stuff. Erin, Beth, and Mr. Michel all came over; Erin asked if anything was wrong and I said yes but I didn't want to talk about it; Beth told me that I have a big heart and that I always want the best for everyone but it never works out, and I need to just put myself first or I'll never be happy--the big heart thing made me teary because I really believe it, but whether or not she really believes that is doubtful, since I can see her saying the same thing to Jayne; Mr. Michel asked if I could give Jayne a ride, LOL, before he was like, "OOPS, SORRY, NEVER MIND," hahaha.
Later, I concluded that there were too many mothers mixed in the drama. If Erin, Beth, and Mrs. Lee hadn't gotten involved, it would've just been Mark-Jayne-Elaine conflict, which is nothing new. But with like everyone in the mix... It was just fucked up. Not that the situation hasn't always been fucked up, anyway, though I guess.
excited for tomorrow
Mark and I shared an appetizer pizza and a chicken & pasta dish. They were both really good, OMG. Must get again next time. We have good taste! 
tired
) and found my plot planning for it and decided that I'm gonna start working on it again. I miss writing! I can't believe it's been nine years since fanfiction became a part of my world. The other day, something asked me if I was seventeen, and I clicked yes automatically and realized that... Yeah, I'm actually seventeen, LOL. It's pretty crazy. I'm still living the life of a fourteen-year-old, really. You know, except for the fact that I'm going to Berkeley. 
dirty! as in I need a shower, heh.
