mood: my neck aches but I'm nice and relaxed
music: Buena vida - Mediterranean Nights

Friday the 13th was our Senior Breakfast at Dave & Buster's. I had a lot of fun during the eating part of it, but it wasn't worth $20, haha. After a too short amount of time, they made us go to the auditorium room thingy for speeches and class awards and stuff. At least I got to hear Denice sing and Mark play piano, I guess. I wish we'd gotten more time to chill at our tables, though. After the speeches and stuff, we decided to leave and chill at the Specturm.

The plan was that Mag and Kelly would go see Iron Man, and then the rest of them would see The Incredible Hulk while I snuck off to see Prince Caspian again. Unfortunately, Erin and Mark didn't really want to see The Hulk, and I didn't want to ditch them. Mag was going to stay with Erin, but then she ended up changing her mind and going to see The Hulk, along with Kelly and everyone else. I still wanted to see Caspian but Erin didn't want to; she wanted to see Kung Fu Panda and kept hinting at it passive-aggressively, which was kind of annoying. And then Mark said he didn't want to see Hulk or Panda--but then he said that he didn't care and that I should just decide. Which was really annoying, too, because WTF, I was asking him so that he could choose because obviously things wouldn't work out if I chose. Then he said to watch Caspian, but then Erin still didn't want to, so that didn't really work. And I really did not want to waste my money on Panda (apparently it was like actually top box office or something for a bit). And the more I thought about it, I wanted to go see Hulk because I usually see all the Marvel/DC stuff with Di and Jayne and they'd said that it was something I should see because it was good. But neither of them wanted to see it. I was really upset because they kept forcing the decision on me, too. I didn't want to make a fucking decision!

In the end, Mark came with me to see Hulk while Erin went home. We watched like half an hour of the movie, kind of; we were both really upset (I don't know how people do it, like...stopping being upset to comfort someone else; it's so freaking impossible but I got myself to do it, for him, and it was just...really hard and I really don't understand how marriage works), except Mark stopped being upset and said he was actually getting into the movie, except I'd already missed the beginning (which was important, I learned later) of the movie (I had to keep turning away from the screen so that Mark wouldn't see me crying) so there was no point of staying there since I didn't want to stay for a movie that I wouldn't understand. So we walked out and got re-admission tickets so that we could watch some movie nicely another time. Then we went to Pinkberry and we were both still upset but we tried to talk it out and cuddled and stuff. Begged Mother to come pick us up and then went back to my house (at first I didn't want to 'cause I knew people would bitch, but then I was like fuck it; screw them for not understanding) and slept. We were pretty worn out.

At four thirty or something, we went to school to set up the SSR booth for the school carnival. The carnival was fun; got some last-minute signatures in my yearbook and got to talk to Ben a lot. What a nice kid. I was a little irked when Mark would just ask me to leave in the middle of a conversation so he could talk to him, though! So rude, and it's not like they were talking about anything that couldn't be saved until later. Oh well. I got a lot of eggrolls and 7UP and probably spent too much money, but it was yummy. Mark left randomly and then Ben was talking to people and then everyone came and then left and so Amanda, Jayne and I trailed after Diana while she got signatures. I felt like a loser, haha. But then we decided to go to Diana's house. I'd actually been hoping to go to dinner afterwards with Mark, but he didn't seem like he wanted to see me that much (I'm not saying that like a forlorn girlfriend; just factually it wasn't a clingy day) so I didn't think that he'd mind. We all went around and searched for him for like ten minutes so that I could say goodbye, though, haha. Awww, I really didn't want to leave him! But he had to stay until closing so yeah. It's okay. Nina got us yummy pasta and really yummy chicken and yummy salad and red velvet cake and yeah! Then we watched Reno 911 and I fell asleep because it's not my type of humor, haha. Also I just randomly fall asleep whenever I watch TV. It sucks.

The next day, Jayne proposed that we go to the pool and picked me up at like 4, and her stepdad now! dropped us off at Diana's. Watched I Know Who Killed Me with the fast forward button and laughed at how bad it was, but I was still pretty scared. But then again, I'm a total wimp, haha. What a weird story. At like 530, we walked to the pool and had fun there. Later, we walked back and played on our computers! And Nina bought us a bunch of CPK goodies, omgosh! Wild Mushroom Pizza and BBQ Chicken Pizza, mmmm; they were really good together, and I had like at least six pieces. It was awesome! And then we watched The Colbert Report, which was awesomer.

And then the next day (Sunday), I went to Mark's house to chill, except I don't remember what we did. ...Fill me in!










Yay, I love Ben!

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mood: happyful
music: This Love - Maroon 5

On Monday the 9th, I went to Mark's house to study for Calculus. I made us pasta while reciting a bunch of Calc rules. Fun stuff.

The next night, we had Music Awards. In which my friends received a lot and I received nothing. (As usual.) Oh, not nothing, I suppose. A trophy for being a senior, haha. At least it was personalized, I guess. I was pretty bummed. I really thought that I would have a chance this year. That was pretty dumb, in retrospect. Oh well. I don't even really want to talk about it. Except that I don't think it's fair that they don't do a marching band survey thing... They have a Most Service, Most Valuable, and Most Improved for all the other bands. Oh well. It's not like I really deserve it, anyway.

After the awards were over, we hung around in the lobby eating cake (I had three slices) and talking and stuff. I was feeling pretty wild and free and trying desperately to forget about the awards and to cover up how sad I was. Jayne was really sympathetic and I was grateful. She asked Mrs. Nelson for a rose left over from the ceremony and gave it to me, and I was touched, but I had to give it back because I was afraid Mark would get mad. She offered me one of her plaques but I said that that would probably depress me more if I had to see it all the time. Then, she gave me a big hug and that was helpful. Later, Mrs. Lee bitched about it. Lovely. Oh well, I'm over it. I'll do whatever the fuck I want, regardless of all these people who are trying to in some way rule my life.

That Thursday was my last day high school. Pretty freaking crazy. Took my Calc test, played MASH with Jayney in Orch, and then cheered like crazy. Chilled with Mark during fourth while everyone else (except Jayne and Erin) went to go pick up Diana's Physics book, hahaha. Jayne got out of Health really, really early, so she helped me to print my stuff in the library. Basically, our school lets us deposit $10 at the beginning of each year for a printing fee. (Black ink is $0.10 per page; color is $0.50.) People usually pay way too much and graduate with tons of leftover, wasted money in their account. So I decided in Junior year that at the end of Senior year, I would ask everyone for their printing money and print all my fanfiction and use up the money. 'Cause I've always wanted to print my stuff, but I've never had the heart to use that much ink on my own printer at home. But this money would just go to waste anyway, right? So yup, I gathered up my friends' accounts and began printing. I used up my $12, Kelly's $15, and...I think like $7 of Diana's $30, hahaha. That's a lot of paper. And it was, LOL. It's currently sitting next to my bed, on the floor, and I'm slowly going through and reading it all. I'm gonna organize it all, too, when I finish reading them.

After fourth, Kelly drove us all to Arbor Plaza, where we had Wienerschnitzel, Ameci, and Yogurtland. It was fun. Eventually, Amanda, Kell, and Mag had to leave, boo. Mark, Jayne, Di, and I hung out for like an hour more there, waiting for Mom to pick us up. Then, we dropped Mark off, picked up our laptops, and went to chill at Di's. I was so happy to be able to play WoW without having to do Calculus at the same time/instead of playing, hahaha. I started Herbalism! How fun! Except then I fell asleep, so I was like camping the herbs, LOL.


Mr. V!


My precious vibes!


Ben and Andrew, yay!


The last time Jayne will ever be in that locker!




2 Girls 1 Cup.

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mood: sooooo relaxed
music: Hypnotized - Plies

We had Senior Awards on the 4th, and I got my NHS cord and CSF tassel. It was exciting! Basically, they take all the seniors with honors of some kind (GPA, club, etc.) and parade them in front of the whole school. Luckily, I was one of these seniors. I got Highest Honors (4.0+ GPA), NHS, CSF, and "UC Berkeley". Even better, I got cheers. I've been waiting all my high school career for that moment, and wow, I got a lot of cheers, which really surprised me. And they were mostly guys, too, it seemed. Hooray for the sophomores and my Pit friends. Something else that was really great was they told all Heritage Award winners to stand up, and I...I got to stand up with everyone, and when we were sitting back down, I looked back at Mark, and he gave me this really proud, knowing smile and I felt so, so warm from my head to my toes. It was just like... He understood? And he knew that I was really happy. And he was really proud of me. And I was just so proud to have come so far and to be there, like those that I'd looked up to had been the years before. I won't forget that feeling for a long time.

The next day was Kelly's birthday! We got her cupcakes and a humongous balloon...which Amanda popped by accident, LOL. It was damn hilarious. There were twelve cupcakes, and Kelly offered the extra ones to the sophomores, which made me happy. That night, I went to go see the Voices concert with Kelly, Sara, and Alex. Well, Alex was supposed to watch it with us (I got him a ticket next to us and everything!) but then he came in late 'cause of his mom and ended up sitting a few rows back. I was kinda confused why he wouldn't move up, but then Annette was sitting with him so then it was okay. The concert was so good and so fun! I like Voices so much, even more than the Holiday one, just 'cause it has so much personality. I'm glad that I'll get the chance to watch it next year, too. Mark did fantastically! I'm glad his voice came back in time for that since it was kinda messed up before, which was really sad. On a side note, I found the mikes rather distracting, but I suppose they're a must. On a side side note, Mark found me and looked me in the eye a lot and I grinned like a maniac and felt like a lovesick teenager. Oh, wait-- That night, I went home with a huge freaking smile on my face and was filled from head to toe with adoration for my talented, talented boy who won a plethora of awards and sang like an angel! ...LOL, I sound like an old white mom or something.

The next day, I went to go watch it again, but this time with my mom, Ben, and Jayne, which was cool. They all seemed to enjoy it a lot. Jayne even cried at Mark's solo song, HAHA (it was for his mom). Ben and I laughed at her so badly. It was definitely very touching, though; my mom said she almost cried, too. Oops. I feel bad, LOL. I think I was too in love to cry, hahaha. He sounded so magnificent and looked so delicious! (Mmm, spiked hair.) And omgosh, he conducted "You Raise Me Up" for the third time, and it was so, so beautiful!

I was helping Mark clean up and stuff when Di came to pick Jayne and me up to go see You Don't Mess with the Zohan, except then my mom had for some reason told me not to go to see a movie, except then everyone told me I could just lie about it and say I'd just gone to Di's, except then I wanted to help Mark finish putting his stuff together and spend a little more time with him, except then I felt bad for making them wait and Diana was giving me that Look, so I told them to go on. I was really bummed, especially since Mark was going to an afterparty. He dropped me off at home and I moped and cried for like an hour. It was pretty dumb. I was really mad at my mom, too.

And then on Saturday, went to Kell's house to edit our Supernanny video, which I still need to figure out to rip from my DVD and get onto YouTube. Mark left in the middle to receive a scholarship and I begged him to come back afterwards because I was feeling ridiculously clingy. It was incredibly bizarre. Also, subtitling is seriously way too complicated. I so worship subbers even more now. At around 730, we dropped Mark off at his house and then went to Lucille's for dinner to celebrate Kelly's birthday, since there wasn't any time to go to Disneyland like we'd wanted to. It was very yummy; I liked the corn chowder a lot, and the biscuits were delicious. The BBQ sauce on the shrimp was a little too strong for me, though. I'll try some chicken next time. Dinner was immensely fun; we all laughed a hell of a lot. At one point, Diana pulled half of my shirt down and I ended up flashing my bra to like half the restaurant and this waiter that I knew from sophomore year... AWKWARD! But fun, haha. After a very filling dinner, we went back to Kelly's and I fell asleep on the floor while Diana and Kelly finished up subtitling the video.

The next morning, I went kayaking with SSR. I was like...really freaking nervous, but I actually had a lot of fun. I was afraid that Mark (who I partnered with) would get mad at me and everyone would laugh at me because I was so weak, but we were actually in the front of the fleet. It was pretty awesome, although I felt bad for having to stop every once in a while because water kept splashing into my eye and I would run out of strength. But Mark and I had fun, and I felt very...outdoorsy, hahaha. Unfortunately, I forgot my flipflops, so afterwards, I had to walk around in wet shoes, yuck. My skin was so exfoliated from the salt water though! It was sooooo smooth and nice.

Then, we went to the TMP food court for lunch, which was nice. I got Thai Spice shrimp chow mein, except that they made me rice instead of noodles, so I had to wait for them to redo the order. Michael Young, Kelly, and Di decided to wait with me. Michael was like, "Where's Mark?" and I said, "Uh... Eating." LOL. Clearly, food > girlfriend. Ah well, never doubted that, hahaha. Got to talk to Michael during lunch, which was cool. He's a really cool guy. I think it's really cool that he's making an effort to talk to me 'cause I'm his friend's girlfriend. Definitely respectable.

After lunch, I went to Mark's house and we chilled and watch The Count of Monte Cristo, which was good. I should definitely read that book.


Mark does all the work while I stand around and look pretty. Yay!




The club! I'm the third from the left in the first row with the freakish body.

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You don't ever see the flaws up close.

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Sometimes, Mark is too much for me to handle. Usually this happens when we argue. The fact is, he's almost always right. Everything he says makes so much sense because he's so fucking logical, and there's no way I can fight back. I don't have the brainpower. I really don't. It's pretty pathetic when I can't say anything except "You're right" because I really cannot think of a counterargument. You'd think he'd just stop at that, though, but no, my boyfriend can be fucking ruthless when his mind is set on something. He argues and proves his point and gets me to admit he's right--and then just keeps going. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, but all it does is make me feel horrible and guilty and stupid, and I hate it.

I hate willing myself to admit I'm wrong and then it not even making a difference in the argument. Because my pride is a fucking prick and I don't think he understands how hard it is for me to lower the arrogant barrier and submit. I don't think he understands how much it means when I apologize quietly and shrink away from him and nod along with the lecturing. (I don't think my friends understand this is not Elaine being whipped or submissive; this is Elaine trying very, very hard to make this relationship work, even if it compromises all her principles; even if it requires that she compromise with other people--which is why she and Jayne failed.)

A lot of times, when he begins arguments, I'm not even mad at him. I only get mad at him because he won't let things go, even after I've apologized repeatedly.

This is why he makes me feel so small.

This is why I doubt our longevity, why I try so hard not to ever use "always" and "forever".

This is why I am still afraid of him, even after four months.

I wish I were right. Just once.

It'd be nice to have the upper hand for a change.

P.S. I despise it when people make a big deal out of stupid little misunderstandings. It's slaughtered my friendship with Jayne. I'm not going to let it ruin this one, too.

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mood: cool
music: When I'm Gone - 3 Doors Down

Thursday the 29th, Mark and I went to TMP and hung out for the afternoon. We got a smoothie and then visited Game Stop and examined strange fruits in front of Farmers' Market and then walked around Target and then lay outside of Target just talking. It was really nice and relaxing, and he said that it got his mind off of things. Then, we got Daphne's, which was delicious as usual, and just talked more about random stuff. I was very happy.

Mother picked us up and dropped us off at school, where the advanced bands and orchestras had a concert. Erin had me be her groupie and hold her sax for her (she had to change between her sax and her French horn), except I failed and broke her reed. I am like...a reed destroyer. I've broken two of Mark's, too. Wind players, beware! What are reed instruments called again? I forgot. Anyway, the concert was okay; nobody seemed to care, and it was pretty obvious. How sad. Unenthusiastic musicians are the worst.

And then on Friday, Mark and I went to the Senior BBQ/Pool Party for a little bit before the Jazz concert. The concert went well, and I had fun both playing and watching. I messed up on my performance, but I had fun so it was okay. I was sad that it was the last time I'd get to formally play the vibes. And then I got to watch Jazz I/Jazz Choir, which I enjoyed very much. Mark even sang his solo song to me from the stage, and I felt very, very special and happy. Unfortunately, things weren't as happy after the concert, so we ended up going home after getting Wienerschnitzel instead of going to Erin's like we'd planned to. Jayne was being very, very obnoxious, and I was really upset at her for coming to the concert with alcohol on her breath (especially after she'd won that medallion!), so needless to say, things were tense.

Neverthless, on Saturday, I went to go see Sex and the City with Jayne and Di. After half an hour of giggliness and materialism and general sluttiness, we decided to walk out, LOL. Deeeeefinitely not our kinda thing. The show used to be okay, though. Maybe it was just the big screen. Luckily, we got our money back--in Readmission Tickets! The girl told us that we could use it on IMAX, so we're hoping to go see The Dark Knight. I'm really excited for it since it looks so sexy (I saw the first-eight-minutes-trailer when I was watching I Am Legend), but I'm also really scared because I know I'm going to be scared by it and have trouble walking around my dark house for like two weeks after I see it, haha.

Anyway, after we decided to ditch the movie, we got some Pinkberry and then went to Di's house with our laptops to chill. I didn't actually get to even turn my laptop on because I just did Calculus homework the whole night I was there, hahaha. It was kind of a bummer, but nice because I got to do homework while I was still with my friends.

On Sunday, Mark and I spent the day together. We ate lunch with Mom and Jess at AJ's, and then we went home and just chilled for a while. I think we took a nap, too. And then his mom drove us to Costco for a bit (she needed Mark to carry water bottles for her, hahaha) before taking us to Spectrum. At Spectrum, we shopped around for jeans for the both of us and finally found two pairs and did a 2 for $55 deal at PacSun. I was happy to finally have another pair of jeans, since two of mine had recently torn--on the ass, too, WTF. Is my ass growing or something?!

We had delicious delicious CPK for dinner (this really good chicken salad and mushroom ravioli) and it was very like...date-y; I was really happy just sitting there eating with him and laughing and talking and getting to know each other better and stuff. Mark downed like six cups of water, though! So crazy! After dinner, we went to watch Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, which was...bizarre and kind of scary, but it wasn't bad. I swear I missed at least like a fourth of the movie because I was hiding in Mark's jacket, scared, LOL. Whoops.

Unfortunately, I was too scared to tell Mark that I still had my Calculus project to work on, so we got back pretty late and I ended up having to stay up late, fall asleep, and then wake up early to do it. He was really mad and even told Mrs. Langevin, who confronted me about it, which I was very, very unhappy about. I deserved the lecturing from Mark so I didn't protest. I got it done, though, didn't I? I even managed to get a C on it. Hrmph. I know my limits.

P.S. I don't think I've ever put so many movies in an entry before, hahaha.

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mood: confused
music: The Way - Clay Aiken

So Heritage Awards were held on Wednesday the 28th.

I got one.

My freshman and sophomore years were obsessed with proving to everyone that I was smart. I desperately desired to regain my title as a "smart person", someone that people would look to for help, someone that people would look up to. After holding that status in middle school, it was difficult transitioning into an environment in which the academic elite were an entire class apart from me. I had a very hard time with it, especially when Kelly didn't seem bothered at all by the Venadies and still managed to triumph academically all the time; especially when Di was soaring academically when she never had before--when she had never even cared before. Anyway, I was pretty pathetic and immature. I got over it by the time Junior year rolled around (haha, I got over a lot of things by the time Junior year rolled around, thank god); I pretty much accepted that I wasn't going to be recognized uberly, but that at least people did think of me as above them academically, even if it wasn't everyone. I also accepted that I just wasn't an achiever. I was just a perfectionist. And, well. Just knowing that I worked harder than a lot of achievers was good enough for me.

But part of me has still always wanted an award. Just some sort of...official recognition, you know?

Well, I got it this year. Mrs. Wexler gave me one for Spanish. I'm pretty frickin proud of myself. Because I'm human, I'm still not completely satisfied (basically the foreign language department does the top 2% of students in the top classes, so it's not like I actually impressed her; it's more like I just got a high grade in the class... But I can pretend, can't I?), but that's just how life is, so it's okay.

I also got Highest Honors for having a 4.0+ GPA, which is pretty cool.

The ceremony was okay; Mark played piano for it like he does every year, and it was really cool seeing him up there just playing random things. Mrs. Howard let me sneak in to watch him before the ceremony, yay. And then I got to watch him conduct You Raise Me Up, which was amazingly beautiful--and totally reminded me of him, hehe. Unfortunately, he left that night totally crushed because he didn't get anything for music and didn't get the Principal's Award. I felt horrible horrible horrible because the previous day we'd had a really bad argument about awards, but he said at least it prepared him for that next day. Sigh. So I went with him and his mom to Lollicup, and then I let him come over even though it was late.

I wasn't feeling so great myself since Diana had been mad at me at the ceremony (I'd forgotten she needed a ride home and had told them that I couldn't go to party because Mark needed me more and the atmosphere was just really bad), and I was like extra wary of Mark's mom that day and blegh it was just not a good day for any of us, except maybe Jayne, who won a medallion for music.

I was incredibly jealous about that and annoyed because I knew she hadn't needed it the way that I crave awards. That doesn't sound right. I just mean that like... She doesn't understand, you know? Even after winning those two awards last year for music, she still always complained about stuff, and then she hated it when I brought them up, but how could I not?! Jealousy conquers all, yada yada yada. That's actually a reference to a fanfiction I wrote like five years ago, LOL. Even after she got it, she still saw her life as shitty and stuff, despite that, and that upset me a lot. Anyway, Mr. V's favoritism was also kinda gross. But I was happy that she didn't flaunt it; she told me that she didn't want people to talk, which was smart. But in the end, I am happy for her; I'm not sure I would say proud because it's hard to be proud of Jayne after everything, but I am happy for her now. Despite still being very upset on Mark's behalf. But come on, not even a Heritage Award? And why Gilda? And why Greg? Why no Erin? I dunno. The music department is going down the drain.

I'm over it now, but yeah. No more QQing about it. My conclusion about the whole affair?

Awards suck. Seriously.

At least my mommy was really happy and proud, I guess. I'd still rather my best friend be happy, though.

P.S. Erin also got an award for Computer Art and Kelly got a medallion for Spanish, along with two other awards. And Di got Highest Honors.


Mark directing the amazing You Raise Me Up!


My adorable, talented boyfriend!


Foreign Language award winners. I'm third from the left.


My proud mommy. :)

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mood: ahhh relaxed
music: Vogue - Madonna

So on Saturday, went to Kelly's house to film a parody project for English. It was a shitload of fun; we did a Supernanny parody of Montserrat Fontes's First Confession, and it turned out freaking awesome. My group was Mark, Diana, Kelly, Maggie, and Brittany Vo, so we were pretty much set for success, haha. We bounced some great ideas off of each other (okay, fine, everyone else did while I sat around and laughed at all the ideas), filmed, and had a great time. And then the Petersons made us like a feast! Of chicken and chips and dip and corn and pasta salad and potatoes and so much stuff, OMG. Sara made us yummy peanut butter cupcakes, too--and I don't even like peanut butter! After dinner, we finished filming. Afterwards, we watched the whole reel and laughed ourselves to death. That was seriously a great experience, and the video turned out really well. And Mr. Giuliano was super impressed when we told him that we'd already finished filming like three weeks before the deadline, hehe. Yay!

On Sunday, we all went to go see Prince Caspian. Ooh, Brittany came, too! It was an incredibly sexy movie. Yummm, Caspian and Peter goodness, mmm. I liked the storyline better than the previous one, too--it seemed less OMG FAIRYTALEISH. Which is what it's supposed to be like anyway, but still. I liked it a lot. It was a lot more religious, though, which bothered me a little (not the fact that it was religious, but just how it was really jarring and distracting for a fantasy/adventure story), but it didn't ruin my time. Yum. Afterwards, we got lunch at the food court (sashimi!) and then we got Pinkberry, yay! Diana convinced me to get a medium, but I couldn't handle it! So I'm sticking with small now, haha. After we finished, Brittany left and then the rest of us wandered around Spectrum for a bit, which was cool. We ended up having to wait an hour more than we expected, since something happened with the rides and Wendy or something; I have no idea.

Anyway, Erin picked Mark and me (and my Wii) up and took us to her house, where we had a nice dinner! Mr. Michel made me grilled chicken, yay! It was yummy. And then we had yummy dessert, too! After that, we played Brawl and then we played some random board game. It was hard. Then we played some more Brawl until we had to leave. It was a fun day, and I was happy that I got to spend part of it with some of my friends and then other part with my other friends/boyfriend. Yay for balance!

The next day was Memorial Day, and I went to an Angels game with the Petersons, Amanda, Mag, and Diana. Tailgating was fun; we got to talk and take pics and stuff. We had some yummy bean dip (I really don't like beans, but I found it very tasty; Wendy is an amazing cook and never ceases to wow me, seriously!) and lots of yummy drinks and barbecued chicken with marinara sauce and cheese and artichokes and stuff in a bun. It was cool, but I was a little overwhelmed by the chicken, to be honest. Still tasty, though. And then we had some yummy cake, mmm! Well, I think it was cake, anyway. Whatever it was, it was tasty, hahaha.

The game was okay. I kinda wanted to go home 'cause my mom was having a barbecue and I'd invited Mark to it, so I felt really bad that he couldn't go. I'd thought that it was an afternoon game rather than an evening game, since we usually finish by like seven. But I guess this was a different kind. It also kinda sucked because it was 0-0 until like the very end, so it wasn't that exciting, haha. (They were playing Detroit, BTW.) We did get a big plate of cajun fries to share and we all got yummy wannabe Dippin' Dots, which was the highlight of the night. The game started at like six and we left at like nine or something. The barbecue was still going on at home (I felt really bad for my mom too 'cause I'd told her I'd be home by eight), but it was too late for Mark to come over. So instead I had to listen to the shrieking of a bunch of fobs attempting to sing karaoke. Oh man, that was pretty horrible. I also ate leftovers, yay.

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What I aim to accomplish this summer:

1. Graduate from high school
   
2. Celebrate by going to a billion parties
   
3. Watch Transformers, Love Actually, and a bunch of other movies with Mark
   
4. Clean out text message box and maybe get an SD card
   
5. Pay Diana back $100 $180 and get out of debt
   
6. Get a job and make money to buy clothes for Berkeley
   
7. Raise money to buy the birthday gifts that I owe people
   
8. Import all the missing album pics for my iPod
   
9. Renew Kaleidica.net
   
10. Catch up with this blog!
    
11. Reach LVL 70 on WoW
    
12. Skill Aev up to at least 300 skill points for Herbalism
    
13. Get lots of new music
    
14. Clean out all school papers
    
15. Organize my endless pile of programs
    
16. Rewatch my Yu-Gi-Oh! DVDs and figure out where to buy the rest of the series
    
17. Hang out with my friends like crazy!
    
18. Go on a Senior Trip!
    
19. Spend lots of time with Mark
    
20. Read all the books I have in my "unread" bag
    
21. Write thank you cards to the parents who need thanking
    
22. Make picture CDs for everyone before they go off to college
    
23. See The Dark Knight, Hellboy II, and Wall-E
    
24. Get permit & driver's license
    
25. Get a car
    
26. Organize fanfiction prints into binders

More coming soon!

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I'M GRADUATING TOMORROW OMFG

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mood: okie
music: Stronger - Kanye West

On Monday, we just chilled in all of my classes because everyone was gone on the Senior Trip. Giuliano told us his life story in English, we started watching La Bamba in Spanish, and in Gov... LOL, only Alex, Adrian, and I were there. So we watched some fake documentary about Bush's assassination and took weird notes on it.

After school, Mark walked me to tutoring, where I dozed off as Robert and I worked through tedious problems. When I got out, he said, "Elaine, I did something bad," and immediately I knew what had happened: he'd gone through my phone, which I'd erroneously and very carelessly left with him before I'd gone in to tutoring, and had seen something he wasn't supposed to see. Basically, I'd let slip a serious secret to someone--but that's understating the seriousness of the situation, really. Needless to say, neither of us were exactly happy with each other, and I was drowning in self-deprecation. He got really mad because I didn't immediately apologize and I knew my silence was bothering him, which made me mad that he didn't know me better and expected me to be like that. I've always had an impossible time with apologizing for the things that really matter. It's horrible, but I've been trying really hard to get better this year. Anyway, he started walking to school for the Orch guest conductor thing without waiting for me so I just trailed behind him, pretty fucking upset. When we got to school, I'd decided that I wasn't going to spend the next two hours with him if it was gonna be like that, so I called Mom to pick me up. He saw and pleaded me to stay. I remembered that I needed to be different for this relationship to work out. Sigh, it's so hard. I can't just... I can't just hold a grudge and get mad and sulk, you know? I have to consider him and stuff and fixing stuff and... Ugh. It's really hard for me. But well. It's worth it in the end, yeah? I just feel like I never have enough time to think stuff through before I have to force myself to act a certain way. It's really hard on me, since most of my growth usually happens not by experience but by reflection.

The Orch thing was okay. Mark had a good time. I was just glad that the songs were all songs that I'd played before, so I didn't have to embarrass myself trying to sight read in front of Mark. We got pizza and stuff, too, which was pretty cool. Things were better after those two, three hours. Still a little tentative, but better. I guess it's good that Mark and I have a pretty fast recovery time, especially when we're both trying.

The next day, Mom took Mark and me out to lunch at Thanh, which was interesting and yummy. It was a little awkward because Mother usually stays uninvolved in the conversation when she's with me while I'm with my friends, but since Mark's mom usually kinda makes sure that she's in the conversation, it was kinda awkward so I tried to engage her in conversation but it didn't work too well. Oh, well. The food was good.

After like two hours of school (parent conferences are awesome), Mark came over. And he played with me! And I mean that totally nonsexually. We were flirting and fooling around and then we just started to like...play, and I had a lot of fun. It's not often that somebody lets me act like a total kid around them, so that was really nice. Mark is a lot of fun.

And then Thursday, Mark came over and I have no idea what we did, haha. But that night was one of the Pops concerts, and I performed. I expected a pretty crappy concert, but I heard that it was actually not bad. I played the bell/vibe/xylo part for West Side Story, which was cool.

On Friday, Jayne came over and we watched The Notebook, which was fun because we kept randomly tearing up and then we were both sobbing by the end, LOL. I actually enjoyed it, which was what I was afraid of, LOL. How embarrassing. But yeah, I thought it was a good movie, if overly...something a lot of the time. It would make good fanfiction, hahaha.

Unfortunately, I also got in a fight with Diana that day. Well, kind of, anyway. She called to hang out and I said that I'd call her after the movie to tell her to pick us up, and she said okay. She called a few hours later and told us that she'd already gotten CPK and Pinkberry and then like flaunted it in my face, which I got really mad about. I'm just tired of that happening; it always happens with my friends somehow, especially Diana. I tell them I'll do something (usually meet them somewhere or call them or something), and then they agree, and then they just totally ignore that agreement and do stuff by themselves and leave me hanging. I dunno, I can't really explain it, but I've been tired of it for a long time, and I just was really hurt that Di did that--and knew that it upset me and didn't care--which is expected, I guess. Anyway, I screamed at her over the phone and went kind of crazy. It was pretty scary. Cried, too, and Jayne, bless her, went downstairs to play Brawl while I cried. Thank god somebody knows what I need. I called Mark and he talked me through it and told me to just ignore Diana and go play Brawl with Jayne, who was a good friend waiting for me. To this day it still freaks me out that he said that, but it made me really happy at the time, regardless.

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mood: confused because my tummy hurts
music: Volverte a Ver - Juanes

I LOVE SUMMER

That is all.

Next week's schedule:

Monday: Grad rehearsal + lunch with Beth
Tuesday: Grad ceremony, Grad dinner, Grad Night
Wednesday: Sleep, Megan's party
Thursday: Jess's graduation + SSR Bonfire
Friday: No plans yet
Saturday: Kelly Nishikawa's party
Sunday: Kelly Grossman's party

I'm impressed. :D And excited. But also nervous because I dunno what to wear to these events yet. [/girl]

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At least these turned out amazing.




We were trying to make the signs of our schools, hahaha.
















He looks so cute concentrating so hard on it!


We were trying to dip! Ooh, now I want dip.










Possibly the hottest picture of Mark and me ever.






Rawr, the dirty side of the table, hehe.


Yay for Spanish buddies!

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mood: excited
music: Sueno y muero - Chambao

And then the 17th was Prom!

Woke up bright and early and went to Heaven Spa & Salon to get my hair done by a nice lady named Soleil. Her name reminded me of suntan lotion, heh. Asked for waves and showed her a picture. It ended up more curly than wavy, and they didn't really drop the way that I'd wanted them to, but it looked really, really good anyway, so it's no big deal. Erin and Kell got their hair done there, too, so afterwards, we went to eat at Thai Spice after the funniest awkward disagreement ever. Nice people disagreeing while trying to be courteous is so funny. Beth and Kelli joined us later and then gave me a ride home, where I started working on my makeup, which took like...two hours? LOL, I don't even remember, but it looked pretty damn freaking good. At...threeish? Picked up Mark and went to Kelly's house for pics with the Amphies, yay! Everyone looked gorgeous; even more gorgeous than expected! Yay. Mark and I looked freaking amazing, which was awesome since we'd both been pretty nervous about our colors and ensemble and stuff, so it was really satisfying to see that we looked REALLY hot! Whee.

After pics at Kelly's, we headed over to Heritage Park, where we met up with the rest of our group to take more pics. Everyone looked so cute! After that, we went over to the school to take official pics and chilled in the lobby for a while before it was our turn to do so. My couple pic with Mark turned out pretty good (the colors look AMAZING; I am so proud of myself!), except that my arm is angled wrong so I look really fat, hahaha. Oh, well. The group pic wasn't as awesome, but it's not horrible. Basically the quality sucks like crazy, though; it looks like some ghetto Paint .jpeg image, haha. Someone pointed out that they probably had to produce them really quickly, though, because school is ending soon, which makes sense, I guess. But still, boo. Ah well.

After pics, we got our limo and then headed over to Claim Jumper's for dinner. And here is where it all starts to go downhill, hahaha. You know how Winter Formal was just like...absolutely perfect for everyone? Everyone came out of that dance happy, even Erin, haha. But Prom... Oh, Prom; it brought out everyone's worst sides. As usual, the drama began before the actual day. So Mindy was in charge of transportation (we were originally gonna get a party bus but then it was like frickin $80/person so we were like fuck no) and Di and I were put in charge of the restaurant. But since I was so stressed out about the Benefit Concert program, Di said that she'd do it on her own so that I could work on that instead; it was really sweet of her. So after asking a lot of restaurants (a bunch of schools in the county were also having their Prom that night), she got us reservations at Maggiano's, which we were all excited about. Until she told us that it'd be $25 a person. Including drinks and tax and tips, she said. Some people freaked out, namely Mark, Jayne, and me. $25? Oh, nononono. You know what happened at Winter Formal? I ordered a $4.25 bowl of soup thinking that I'd save money (I knew I wouldn't eat much because I never do when I'm busy talking to everyone), but I ended up having to pay $16 for it. Wowwww, $16 for a fucking bowl of soup.

Anyway. So after some bitching, Mark and I decided to do something about it. So we called Maggiano's to see if it was really $25/person--and the lady told us that the $25 didn't include tips, tax, or drinks... And that we should bring $35, holy frick. So we called Di and told her and she was like, "Okay, yeah, let's see what else we can get and then ask everyone so at least we have options..." And keep in mind that this was the Thursday before Prom, so it was like UBER last minute, hahaha. But we managed to get a few reservations; one at Claim Jumper and another at CPK. Friday at lunch, we went to talk to all the Venadies and stuff. My friends except for Jayne were still sticking by Maggiano's, and the Venadies were kinda split. After some discussion, we decided to make reservations for the nicer Claim Jumper at South Coast, and then the Venadies kind of decided that they just all wanted to stick together so if some people were going to Claim Jumper then everyone might as well go. Then there was some confusion as Vincent insisted like crazy on Maggiano's and we were just kind of like, "Umm, no." LOL. But then apparently after lunch Mindy rallied a bunch of people who said they still were going to Maggiano's? I have no idea; it was an insane mess. But either way, Mark and I were set on Claim Jumper, and if nobody else was gonna go, then we had separately begged Maggiano's for a table for two (because it's charged normally for parties of less than 10 people or something). In the end, everyone agreed on Claim Jumper. How exhausting.

Anyway. So that was the dinner drama...part one of it, anyway. About the limo... Basically, it was... I mean, it wasn't as ghetto as I'd expected (the guy had a Freewebs account... I mean, really?), but the bigger problem was that Mindy had tried to get enough people for a party bus--gave up on the party bus, and then was forced to cram 35 people in a limo. Which, frankly, sucked. We were squished and cramped, the weather was unbearably hot which only made the ride worse, and well. We had three main cliques, and we didn't exactly all get along and act the same way. I just settled on dancing and screaming songs at the top of my lungs with Amanda, Di, Jayne, Matt, and Mark. Mag, Kell, and Erin laughed and joined in on some of the dancing. The other groups gave us looks, but I was just amused and Mark and I laughed because we (our group) were obviously the cool kids who were having the most fun. We're awesome. The ride there was okay, albeit really fucking hot.

We got to Claim Jumper early so we roamed South Coast Plaza for a while in our fancy clothes, which was fun, haha. Mark and I went to Brookstone and he played on the surfing simulator thing and then we slow danced to the music, LOL. After a while, we all headed back to the restaurant and sat down at our table and stuff. I was happy with the seating; it was Amphitheater Kids group, middle classies, Venadies, and then the filler boys, I believe. And the food was reaaally good! We got an appetizer combo thing, and mmm, potato cake was delicious. I got this really good blackened salmon, OMG. I want more. Dinner was a lot of fun; we all talked and laughed about random stuff and the atmosphere just felt really good. And the pictures were fun to take, too.

As usual, things took a turn for the worse when the check came. Our total was $739.27. $24 from each person. But you know what was ridiculous? There had been five orders of food that was over $20. Before we'd ordered, we'd clearly told everyone at the table that the limit was $20. Don't order anything over $20. But no. Five orders? Five fucking orders of filet mignon and ribs and shit? Wow. We were so fucking pissed. I am still so fucking pissed. Mark managed to convince me that $24 was pretty much what we should pay, since we got the appetizer plate and dishes that cost $14-$16-ish. So okay. But then it wasn't that that I was mad about. It was how fucking ridiculous the whole thing was. We'd clearly told everyone the limit, and everyone had agreed. And then they had gone to order that shit? I don't know. I still am so mad about it, hahaha. It's just kind of fucking rude of them, you know? Needless to say, everyone left the restaurant unhappy. (We made those who had ordered the shit contribute a few extra dollars--but it's the principle of the thing to me, really. Thank god they're not my friends, and thank god my friends are not like that.)

And then there was more drama in the limo. The seats got all messed up, and a fight almost broke out when Areen and Daniel sat in Jayne and Matt's seats, and Matt and Mark gave them a lot of shit. Rightly so, hrmph. I was really fucking mad, as were Matt and Mark, obviously. Well, everyone was already upset about the dinner, and then for seating problems to top it off... Ugh. Basically, people were sitting in my friends' seats when they'd sat in the back originally. Matt threatened to fight Areen, and I hear that Areen is still bitter about that. Ugh, it was all a total mess, and it ended up that Areen went to sit in the back but Daniel stayed there hogging up all this room. I was really mad at him, because he kept insisting that he'd been there the whole time when clearly I'd been sitting across from Jayne and Matt. At least he could've let them sit next to him or something, but no, he was just a fucking bitch. Wow, I was so fucking pissed. So Jayne and I just were as obnoxious as we could be, continuing to scream the songs at the top of our lungs and dancing while everyone sulked. I was in no mood to have fun, but I just wanted to piss off Daniel, who just slept for the entire ride. Wow. If he'd wanted to talk to his friend sitting there or something, I might've at least understood, but no, he just spread his legs out, took up a bunch of space, and then slept. WOW. What a fucking asshole. Jacky (who ironically is now dating Daniel) saw me all pissed and asked what was wrong; when I complained to her about all the space that was in the back and how all these guys had demanded to sit where my friends had sat originally, she was really sweet and said she'd go talk to them back there and stuff, and she ended up just staying back there. It was all pretty ridiculous. And through it all, Erin apparently could barely sit on her seat, the poor girl. Grrrrr. By this point, us Ampihtheater Kids pretty much all agreed that we really should've ditched the Venadies and gotten our own limo. It would be nicer, spacier, and wouldn't be filled with total assholes and bitches. Hrmph. Too bad it was the last dance.

We did eventually get to Springfield Mansion, where the dance was being held. And holy frick was it hot. The venue was pretty cool; the dance floor was in the basement, and then there was the lobby on the main floor, a ballroom that was filled with tables and karaoke and games and stuff above that, and then an inside balcony and an outside one on the floor above that. It was just really fucking hot no matter where we went. And the dance floor was like...insanely humid. Too MUCH body heat, you know? Yikes. At first I was just excited to dance the troubles of the night away, but Mark didn't feel very good, so it was hard to. We thought it might go away after a while so we just wandered around for a bit, but he still felt pretty blegh, so we just didn't end up dancing that much, and when we did, it was still kinda tainted by knowing that he was just trying to have a good time but wasn't really. I was really bummed. Everyone else wasn't exactly uber happy, either, especially since it was so hot and everyone was sweating to death, and the previous drama was still hanging over all of our heads. Erin even decided to go home, since she was having really bad menstrual cramps, the poor dear. So the night pretty much sucked. Mark and I did slow dance to "All My Life", though, and he sang with it, hahaha. It was sweet.

After the dance ended, everyone got in line to get the stuff we'd put in coat check, and I was just kinda obviously bummed, I guess, since Senior Prom (which is what my girly side had always dreamt of and been excited about) had pretty much been a bust. And it was so sad, too, since everyone was dressed up really well and stuff. Mark got mad at me or something because I was all sad, and he said that he didn't to look at me because I was all upset and that just made him feel worse. Previously that week, I'd been really sad about something and we'd been Skyping, but then he'd hung up on me because he said that seeing me like that wasn't helping his case. Which I got really mad at but didn't really tell him about, because it was like... Gosh, it's not like it's my job to just cheer you up all the time; I do have my own life and troubles to worry about. Anyway, what he said (or what I'd thought he'd said, anyway) just made me even sadder. And then he went to sulk in a corner after we'd gotten our stuff, and that just made me even sadder, and lo and behold, I started to cry on my Senior Prom night. And then I cried for the entire way home, wow, haha. I was pretty fucking upset. But then Mark saw and was really comforting and stuff. He told me that I'd heard wrong, but I still don't really understand why he was sulking. Either way, he was really nice about it, and he kept telling me how sorry he was. Then I just felt really bad because he felt so guilty, boo. And to make things even stupider, apparently Hotaru and Vincent (of all people) were like omg they're making out--except we weren't. I was crying, LOL. Geez.

Oh, and then there was more drama about whose house to go to first and stuff, except I don't remember it as well because I was all upset and stuff. Mindy was being stupid about what freeway to go on and how close whose house was and blah blah blah. We ended up winning the argument, so our group got dropped off first. I was sad to say goodbye to Mark, though. And then we pigged out in Kelly's kitchen with the yummy food that the Petersons had prepared for us, and gossiped like crazy about everything that had happened that night. The verdict? Well. Winter Formal this year had been PERFECT. In every way. For everyone. And Prom was like the exact opposite--it'd brought out the worst in everyone, and we were all going home angry or at least bitter or exasperated. Jane Seo even went home with another group, LOL. Mannnn. Prom = Major fail, seriously. At least it makes for a good story, haha.

The sleepover wasn't as awesome for me, either, since I fell asleep playing Cranium and missed out on a lot of fun the others had. I'm so mad about that! I can't believe I fell asleep; I've never done that before; I'm usually at least the second-to-last to sleep! Grrrrr. And the others have a lot of inside jokes about it now, too. Boo. The next morning was pretty fun, though; we played Sequence (which was hard and confusing!) and had yummy breakfast and laughed a lot and had fun looking at pics from the night before (which had mostly been taken before anyone had gotten upset, hahaha). So I'm just thankful that that hellish night ended peacefully. In some aspects, anyway.

My Senior Prom--far from a blast... More like an eruption of anger and frustration from every corner of the group. It was...interesting, to say the least. And, well. At least I looked fucking hot. (After all of THAT drama, hahaha.) I guess I'm just glad that it's all behind me, now. And, well. It definitely was a night to remember.

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mood: exuberant and excited
music: Love in the Club - Usher

I'm out.

Today, I'm done. With high school. I never have to take another high school class. (...Unless I fail Gov.)

Dude.

IT FEELS SO DAMN GOOD!

And to celebrate the end of my thirteen years of mandatory education, I decided to go crazy and print all of my fanfiction. At school. On school paper, with school ink.

At the beginning of each year, we have the option to deposit $10 into our "printing accounts", and obviously the amount in there accumulates over the years. I had $17 at the end of mine, so I used all that up. (It's $0.10 per page.) Then I used up Kelly's $14. And then I made a few dollars into Diana's $32. LOL. This is how thick the paper stack was:



I feel bad for the trees. : Wish I could've printed double-sidedly. I felt so evil using up all the paper and ink in the library, but then I didn't anymore because, well... We freaking paid for that shit, haha. So awesome, LOL. And I'm going to go in on Monday to print other people's fics, HAHA.

This is better than a senior prank, seriously.

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LOL, oops, I'm dumb. After we pigged out at Kelly's (the day before Prom), Erin came and surprised everyone with her brand new driver's license and offered to take us to her pool, which was cool of her. She drove Mark, Di, Amanda, Jayne, and me there. Amanda, Di, Jayne, and I played in the water for a while before getting up and tanning for Prom the next day. Mark stripped and joined us, which was delightful, hee. Erin drew with her feet in the pool and stuff. Some of the middle-classies were also there that day, so we talked to them a little bit and then they let us eat their food. Which we had a ton of. LOL. We're pigs.

We were supposed to meet Mag, Kelly, and Tiffany at the PV carnival, but Amanda and Jayne and Di were like timing their tanning or something (LOL, it was so weird; I didn't understand it), and we ended up spending too long at the pool. Erin drove Amanda home and then dropped the rest of us off at school for the dance concert, which was intense and very, very hot. Sat with Andrew, Ben, Adam, Jayne, Di, and Mark, yay. In the middle of it, though, I started to feel kinda bummed watching all the beautiful girls dance so beautifully and sexily. My yearnings to be hot and talented always hit me at the weirdest times. And knowing that Mark was totally into the dancers made me even sadder. But I got over it after the girls started talking, LOL; real hardcore ditzy girls are so funny. But not as hot. Smart, pretty girls? Mmmm.

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What the fuck am I doing with my life?

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I AM SO IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS

♥ ♥ ♥

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On Wednesday of that parent conferences week, went to TMP with Mark and his friends Paul and Brandon, which was interesting, haha. Ate at Daphne's and Juice It Up and felt very much like the girlfriend, haha. Not sure if I was a good one or bad one; I pretty much just sat there and listened to them talk and laughed when it was appropriate. It wasn't awkward or anything, though. And it was really interesting when they said "fag" and Mark scolded them for it. That made me really happy; it's really respectable when people correct their friends like that; it's different than scolding just peers, you know?

Then that Friday, we went to Kelly's place and then Mark, Di, Amanda, and I headed over to the Santa Cruz pool. Except there was no water in it. LOL. It was like the hottest day of the year so far and they were freaking doing construction on the pool. OMG, so dumb. Di and Amanda wanted to walk to the one on Warner, but I wasn't really in the mood to walk in the sweltering heat. I like to feel the sunshine on my skin, not my sweat dripping down my back, hahaha. I told them they could walk it if they wanted to, but Mark and I would go back to Kelly's sadly (Mark was like blegh and I figure he probably hadn't wanted to leave the house at all and felt really bad about it), but Amanda got kinda upset about it, I dunno. I felt bad about that too. Diana was just confused because she didn't really know how far the other pool would be and just wanted a tan, hahaha. The four of us ended up going back to Mag and Kelly at Kelly's house and just pigging out on the Petersons' awesome neverending food supply, haha.

I have no idea what we did after that! But the next day was Prom. More about that later, though, I'm going to see the Voices Concert at school!

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OMG, my state quarters collection is almost complete! I just need Wisconsin, Montana, Idaho, and the last four states. Yay! I love collecting stuff. It makes me ridiculously happy when I add stuff to my collections. I collect Cars merchandise, rubber ducky merchandise, foreign money, and state quarters. I used to collect stickers, too. It's really fun!

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mood: a little tired
music: Sambuca - Mediterranean Nights

On Saturday the 11th, Di and I headed to Fashion Island to scope out more dresses. Wow, if you thought people here were rich and spoiled... Just head over to Newport and just... Jesus christ, haha. Every store had dresses ranging from $150 to $400, and people were seriously browsing these and buying them. OMFG. At that point, Diana didn't even care about price anymore (she'd purchased like 5 dresses in the past two weeks) so we just searched every store. She ended up buying a $325 dress, yeesh, and I thought Amanda's $300 was out of this world! She got it from BCBGmaxazria, where this really, really cute salesgirl kept obsessively helping us. She was really dumb, though, when we went to pay for the dress, she thought that Di's debit card was a giftcard and even called the headquarters, and then she scanned it as a credit card and kept telling us she didn't know why it wasn't working. She was so cute that I didn't care, hehe.

I tried Pinkberry for the first time (yum!), which was exciting. And then we went to Macy's to check out some gold shoes for me, and then I saw these shoes, which I've wanted since last year, and I was just like... OMG! I want them so baddddddd they are so fucking beautiful! And then I asked Diana something that I'd been dwelling on for the past week: Would my "graduation dress" that I got from ANGL (the really cute one) really not work for Prom? And Di said that if I got those shoes, I could probably totally pull it off, especially if I accessorized a lot. So then we talked about what I could do, and I just felt like...that surge of girly OMFG FORMAL DANCE energy going through me, and that was when I knew that this was what I was meant to do for Prom. Like I was truly, truly excited for the first time, and that just felt so wonderful that I didn't care what anyone would say about me just wearing a plain black dress. Di and I decided to buy the amazing shoes and keep the whole thing a secret so that I could surprise everyone that Saturday! After we purchased the shoes, I dragged Di around while I got jewelry and a bag, yay! How fun.

Called Mark and told him about my decision, and he was kinda nervous about it, but I assured him that this was what would make me happy, and that I was finally really excited to look good for Saturday, and yeah. So then Nina dropped me off at home and then Mark came over and I showed him all three of the dresses. Awesomely enough, he liked the black one better than the red one, although he actually ended up liking the blue-green one a lot, LOL. Too bad it was still too long. So we made that decision and then decided to go tie shopping at Crossroads, yay. Unfortunately, Mervyn's and Target didn't have anything, and Men's Wearhouse was closed since it was Saturday, boo. So we decided to look another day (I ended up going the next day and getting a really nice white tie that I was tempted to keep ) and headed over to Panera for a nice dinner. I ordered the sandwich and Mark ordered the soup; I love how we can compromise like that and be happy. Dinner was so much fun; I just remember feeling so bubbly and high and full of so much love for that boy. I find it amazing how much fun we can have together even when we're not even really doing anything; how much fun we can have together, by just being in each other's company. Whenever we're like both really happy and flirting all over the place, all I can think about is how complete he makes me feel, and how amazing it is that I was able to win him over? That we found each other? That our love just seems to grow exponentially as the days go on.

The following Monday and Tuesday I spent at his house, helping him to clean up his living room. On Monday, we went to his relative's place and played Puzzle Fighter or something on Nick's new XBOX for a bit. It was fun, except Mark got really good at it--as expected, hahaha. Ah well, I had my moment of glory. Cleaning was really fun. I think I'm one of the only people in the world who actually enjoys cleaning. It was fun to go through Mark's old stuff, and I even ended up with a whole bag of stuff I took home. He let me look through some portfolio thingies that he made when he was in preschool and stuff, and seeing him and his personality when he was little made me feel really joyous--just, like... It's amazing to think that this boy is mine, that he loves me so much. I still can't believe it sometimes. It's really too good to be true.

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mood: pissed off
music: Stronger - Kanye West

that that don't kill me
can only make me stronger

I don't argue anymore. I don't argue with anyone anymore. I just push all the frustration and anger and disappointment aside and eventually, I forget about it, which I suppose is the closest to letting go that I can manage. I remember the scars, and I can count each one and explain how I received it, but I don't let them bother me. Like my scratching scars, yeah?

I don't argue anymore. I just let things go because other people need me to be certain molds for them: the perfect straight-A I-have-no-fun-ever daughter, the unconditionally supportive and obedient girlfriend; the smotheringly caring and concerned best friend; the Senioritis-ridden student; the obsessively bros-before-hos friend who neglects her boyfriend... And fuck, am I trying, but I am none of these things. I have never been, and I don't want to be now or ever, but I am trying my best to satisfy make the people around me happy. So I let things go because other people need me more, and it's stupid and selfish of me to demand anything for myself.

I don't argue anymore. I'm just plain tired of trying to fix things. With Mark, with Jayne, with my friends, with my grades, with my parents, with my sister and my mom. Obviously, nobody gives a fuck that I am killing myself slowly over this year.

I don't argue anymore. I'm tired of unintentionally misleading everyone and then trying to make them understand what I really meant and how I feel.

I don't argue anymore. I can only wonder why is everyone around me so selfish?

I don't argue anymore. Everyone is so excited that we're graduating in two weeks, but I don't care, because graduation is not going to solve any of my problems. Which bothers me even to label as "problems". I feel like the only selfless person in the world. And even in saying that, I feel disgusting. I don't know. I am so fucking proud of the person I've become, but I don't understand why everyone else seems to have gone down the drain. Everything that I once admired and treasured about people is now marred by their other, bigger flaws. I hate it. Was I just naive before? Or is senior year just revealing all of our worst sides?

I don't argue anymore. I just absorb the hurt and end up with stupid tear stains all over my Calculus homework.

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I believe our only flaw as a couple is that he so often makes me feel very, very small.

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Yesterday Mother received a letter about my Gov grade and went bitch fuck crazy. It's been a long while since she's lectured me like that. But jesus fucking christ she went nuts about all kinds of shit regarding my schoolwork and my life and shit.

What made me the maddest was when she said that my grades are ridiculously pathetic this year, and I'm not doing anything about it; I'm doing nothing with my life except for fooling around, going out and going to events. She said something along the lines of that I'm not making any effort in any of my classes.

Wow. Wow, I regret paying fifty fucking dollars for her first Mother's Day gift in maybe seven years. How the fuck could she even say that to me? I have never worked harder in my whole fucking life than I have this year. I have been in constant hell just trying to fucking ace my classes. But none of that matters, I guess.

Nothing I fucking do seems to matter anymore to anybody. Except maybe Mrs. Wexler. Hah.

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