disneyland with marching band

mood:

relaxed
music: High Maintenance - Gordon Goodwin's Big Phat Band

So last Saturday I went to Disneyland with Marching Band. It was a neat experience--and I mean both the marching/performing and the hanging out with people who weren't part of my close circle of friends. There were some really good moments and some not so great ones. Felt totally out of the loop for half of the day, but Mark was really sweet and we were really like...friendsy, which made me really happy.

Was late for call time at school because I forgot my cell phone at home, eep! But it was okay. Found Mark and asked if we were sitting together on the bus, and he said, "Well, YEAH," which was nice. It felt weird to not be dropped off at the drop-off zone, haha. So hung out with Mark, Adam, Jaclyn, Andrew, Erin, Kelli, and Paul for most of the day. Hit Astro Blasters, Indiana Jones, Big Thunder, Matterhorn, and Splash Mountain before lunch. There was like nobody there; it was awesome; I love tiny lines. My score for Astro Blasters was 119,300, which was pwnage. Probably my best score, I think. It looked awesome next to Mark's puny 33,000, anyway, LOL. Nah, it's probably unfair because I've been through it so many times or something. I suddenly can't remember my normal score... Hmm. Ah well, it made me feel good, heh. And then for Splash Mountain, I was kinda scared, even though I'd been on it once before (I'd chickened out all the other times). Mark was so nice about it; Adam wanted to split logs by gender so that the guys could do a picture together, but Mark was like, "But Elaine's scared..." and was going to sit with us for me. OMFG, it was so nice. It was obvious he wanted to be with the guys, though so I told him it was okay. And Jaclyn was really nice about it as we were going through the ride, even though I just kept screaming, "Fuck!" in anticipation, haha. It wasn't bad at all, though. I think I went on it before I went on Tower of Terror, so my memory was kind of confused. I'm glad that I can now go on it consistently with everyone, though.

Had a quaint lunch at Pizza Port (well, I walked across to Golden Horseshoe for mozzarella sticks but joined the rest of the people at Pizza Port) and talked to Mr. Michel for a bit, which was nice. Talked briefly with Pit (who were in line as we were leaving) and gave them my leftover food because those guys devour food like crazy. At 1:00, after teacups, met up with them (Caleb, Sean, Helen, and their friend Yuka; we couldn't reach Jacky even though we tried a lot). They really liked me; it was so cute. Kinda just yelled to Erin to go on without me so apparently Mark was like WTF, where'd she go? but he was so caught up with Adam and Andrew and Jackie that I figured he wouldn't really care or notice. He didn't mention it later, so I guess he didn't. That's okay; we weren't talking that much anyway. Felt bad about leaving Erin, but I'd promised Pit we'd hang out, and she had her sister, anyway.

Hanging out with Pit was definitely a memorable experience. I call it my Asian Experience, because these kids... Oh man. They had fastpasses for Indiana Jones and wanted to go on it, but I didn't have one, so I told them to go and that I'd just meet up with my group again and hang out with them later. But they really, really wanted me to stay with them (it was so cute! I felt so loved and liked and special happy

) and kept wanting to trick the fastpass people. I was kind of reluctant to do that because I didn't think it'd really work, so Helen said she'd do it and gave me her pass. I took out a bunch of old fastpasses I had in my backpack and I guess the lady thought that I was holding them for Helen, so she just waved us in, even though Helen had nothing in her hand, LOL. And then I tricked the guy who collects them by putting the new fastpass over an old Indiana Jones fastpass and telling him that they were for the two of us. Got us in, and... LOL, we couldn't stop laughing. I was pretty amazed. That ride was so fun with them, OMG. Sean and Caleb screamed like crazy the entire time, and I had so much fun joining them. I cracked up so much; I love those kids so much. I really miss talking to them in Marching Band.

After that, we went on Star Tours and the Astro Rockets thingy, and then we just sat and rested for a while as I tried to contact my group. Then, we went to Pizza Port and they showed me that they still had the cup of the drink that I'd given to them at lunch, LOL. And apparently they'd refilled it five times already, and when we went, they refilled it two more times. HAHA. Unbelievable. I can't believe their nerve; Helen just walked in and did it. And then we just sat and talked and took pics for a bit; it was incredibly fun. Then, met up with my group again and went on Space Mountain with our fastpasses. Then 4:30 call time. Unloaded the truck, changed, marched, blah blah. It was a decent experience. The band felt kind of dead (it was like seven), but I guess that can't be helped. I was kind of sad because we alternated between the Fight Song and Louie Louie, but Jacky told us not to play during the Fight Song 'cause we sounded really unsynchronized. So half the time we were just marching, and not making a sound, boo. The route was shorter than I expected, too, but oh well. My pants kept falling down as I marched, though. That was awkward, haha.

Then, we had soup for dinner, and it was an amusing dinner. I think we all felt a lot more at ease by then. After dinner, Mark and I went to get the Dole pineapple whip (the other people had gotten it before but he had waited), which was delicious as usual, although very brain-freeze inducing. Then, we went on Star Tours, except I needed to pee really badly, and well. Don't go on a simulated ride if you need to go, haha; all the jolting is not fun at all. Dashed to the bathroom like lightning as soon as the doors opened, heh. Erin was really nice about it, yay.

And then the fireworks were definitely memorable, even though I've seen the show about a thousand times... ♥ We sat on the curb to watch them, and Mark let me cuddle with him during the show, which was lovely. happy

After fireworks, met up with the rest of the band at the buses and went home. Slept on Mark the entire way home, haha. I will miss our bus rides together. Had to unload back at school, but it was freezing, yuck. Mark's mom gave me a ride home so that I could give him the gluesticks he needed for the next morning. All in all, it was a pleasant day. Definitely not as wild and crazy and hilarious as all my Disneyland trips with my friends, but it was still an enjoyable experience and just as memorable--but in a different way. I had a good time.

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Posted on 01/29/08 by Elaine

games and stressful friends

mood:

accomplished
music: Take You There - Sean Kingston

we could move to the tropics
sip pina coladas
shorty, i can take you there

This song makes me bizarrely happy. I don't get it.

So after school last Friday, practiced vibes for a bit, then went to Jayne's house so that she could clean her house. Then we walked back to meet up with Mark and just hung out in the band room for a while. Watched part of Adam's game and part of the Girls' Vars game, then hung out in the band room some more. Got into the game for free without my ASB card (I'd forgotten it at home) by carting stuff in for the band. Watched the game with Jayne and Beth sat behind us and fed us tortillas. At Halftime, went to go sit with the bando groupies near the Jazz band and hung out with Charlie, Jacky, Soy, Louis, and some other people.

Was trying to move over but Jayne was blocking my way like playfully, and then she touched my leg, and I was like, "Stop molesting me!" and she got really mad because she hadn't been, even though I said, "Oh okay, I just thought you were." She didn't speak to me for the rest of the game, and I was just like, whatever, because she'd been getting mad at me for random shit for the entire week. Joked around with Charlie and stuff, which was nice. He really likes me, for some reason. It's pretty cool and makes me happy (and boosts my self-esteem a bit, heh). Then, Soy asked me for a back massage (Jacky usually gives them to him but she was giving one to Louis)--he'd been hitting me all day, which was really weird, and after five minutes of arguing with him and telling him that I don't know how to give massages, I was just like, fuck it, and attempted to give him a back massage. Jayne threw a fit, which was probably the stupidest thing ever. And then in the car, when I was telling Mark and Erin and her about Soy hitting on me like crazy, she just kept calling me a whore and a slut and shit. Whether it was jealousy or indignation or what, I don't know, but whatever got her panties in a bunch put her in a foul mood for the rest of the night.

Well. Foul would be an understatement. After the game, had planned to go to Di's house to hang out and play WoW, but it was kind of like ten. (The game went overtime and stuff.) Erin, Jayne, Diana, and I discussed the situation over the phone, and for the twenty minutes it took for us to come to an agreement, all Jayne did was bitch and yell at me. When I said that I wouldn't be sleeping over because I needed to study for Physics, she yelled about how I'm too stupid to understand anything anyway so why should I bother studying it and about how I'm an idiot that will fail no matter what I do and all this shit. And she just kept repeating that I was an idiot and a moron and a whore every time I was mentioned in the conversation and every time I said anything. It was fucking ridiculous. I've hardly ever been so exasperated. And she kept saying that I should just not go to Diana's at all because it'd be pointless for me to only spend a couple of hours with them. When I said I'd like to see my friends over the weekend, she bitched about how stupid I was and how I was going to fail the final. I tried to ignore her, but it's kind of hard to ignore someone telling you you're too stupid to study for a test. Erin and Beth were there, too. The nerve of her! Erin even told her to shut up and calm down a few times, but obviously her words were unheeded.

We decided to meet up the next day, and I went home feeling nothing but frustration and annoyance. I'd just about had it with Jayne's mood swings. The whole week, she'd just start screaming at me out of nowhere if I said the wrong word. Which usually wasn't wrong at all. And then whenever I'd get upset and ignore her because of the way she was verbally abusing me all the time, she'd start her insecure whining about how she's not important to me and how I don't care about her and all this shit. Wow, it was fucking ridiculous. I called Mark and ranted to him for over an hour and got a lot of shit off of my chest. I really had had it with her shit. There wasn't really anything I could do to make her treat me differently, but I was fucking tired of being her punching bag.

The next day, went over to Diana's but spent most of the time studying and doing homework while Di, Jayne, and Erin played WoW. Jayne was very, very touchy and grabby (but only with me), which was more awkward than usual because I was still fucking pissed at her, and she was still insanely volatile. Needless to say, it was an unpleasant weekend.

A week later (or something like that), I talked to her about how she'd been upsetting me and that I was tired of dealing with her shit, and I don't remember that much of the conversation, but I made my feelings very clear. Told her I was tired of being treated like a punching bag to be blamed for and suffer for a bunch of shit that had nothing to do with me/were not my fault at all. She just kept apologizing, and I told her that I knew that she was sorry, but sorry didn't mean anything when she just kept repeating her wrong actions over and over again. Also told her I was tired of being the victim of her shit and then of her like...pitying herself and being all whiny about how nobody cares about her and how she doesn't matter to anyone and having to like...comfort her lack of self-esteem while dealing with being yelled at. Ugh, I don't even know, but I'm fucking tired of it. Luckily, things between us seem to be getting better; she hasn't really been mad at me for a while (a while is like a week), which is relieving. The fact that I try my best to never bring up Mark with her probably has made a big difference.

I'm glad she's laid off, though. I've spent all my energy in the past week on academics, and with studying and finals and final grades and everything, I don't have time to deal with stressing over the stupidity of my friends. Mrgh.

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Posted on 01/13/08 by Elaine

keeping you informed

mood:

annoyed and slightly spiteful and frustrated
music: Vienna - The Fray

I'm about to fail four finals, and then limo drama springs up again. Oh, hello old friend! Sure haven't missed you. Sure haven't forgotten about the scars you left on me last year. I still don't think I will trust my friends the same way ever again.

So this is what's been happening lately: Started talking about limos back in like December before break; Diana told us that she and Elaine Fang wanted to do it again. The vote was scattered; Maggie really didn't want to do it, Kelly and Erin were just kinda wishy-washy, Amanda wanted to do it but wasn't going to argue for it if nobody backed her up, Jayne just commented on how expensive it was. Everyone knew I wasn't going to do it after last year. After we came back from break, Diana talked to us a little more about it every day, and a lot of arguing commenced. It was usually at break, so luckily they didn't usually go on for that long, so it was just intense for fifteen minutes or so and it was put on the back burner by lunch.

Then, Amanda heard that it was going to be at a senior center, and she and Maggie freaked. As in almost refused to even consider going at all. Mag complained a lot, and Kelly started getting iffy about going, and then Mag was telling other people about it and complaining and stuff and they were convinced they shouldn't go. Diana was very, very, very upset because she needed people to go in the limo, and Mag was scaring them all away, I guess. Annoyed that my friends were getting their panties in a bunch about the location of the dance and how it sounded really bad (nobody even knew what it was like, what the hell), I gave them several speeches about it; managed to convince them that it doesn't fucking matter. To a degree, anyway. So then it was settled that we were all going. Jayne and I felt bad that we didn't want limos though, because Diana was ranting to us and it was kinda awkward like... I dunno, but I felt bad.

For the next few days, Mag hopped back and forth between "yes" and "no" about the limo, which meant that Kelly and Erin were on the fence, too. Amanda was pretty reasonable; she went along with their "let's just do it for Prom" philosophy, but she obviously would've been happy to get a limo. Jayne was on the fence about the cost still. The entire time everyone still knew that I wasn't gonna do it. Unless like... Well, I was a little conflicted about the fact that like... If nobody asked me in two weeks from the end of break, I was going to ask Diana (like, with a big setup and everything, heh), and she even told someone that she was planning on asking me to get her out of a tough fix, LOL. Sounded good except that going with Di would mean that I'd have to go in the limo, haha. But anyway.

One break, Di came in upset and told us that the limo was off, because Elaine's group wasn't up for it anymore (apparently she was really upset, too) and our group wasn't up for it, so there was no point anymore. I was pretty excited, to tell you the truth, haha. Hooray for no drama! Figured that'd be the end of it; we discussed renting nice cars or just going in the nicest of our parents' cars. Diana was still upset, but there wasn't really anything she could do if both groups refused to go.

A couple of days after that, limos were brought up again; Mag mentioned that Stephanie Spencer had asked if we were going in a limo, and Mag had told her she wasn't sure yet. She asked Di at lunch if we were doing it or not, and Diana just...exploded in rage. I haven't heard Diana that angry since... Well, since last year's drama, I guess. But it was...pretty pwnage, I have to admit, if not totally random and a little awkward to witness. She was definitely beyond exasperated. Mag was being pretty wishy-washy; she said she'd go if the price was low enough, and Di said the lowest would probably be $50 because she couldn't squeeze 50 people in a car just so the price could be $20. The discussion ended without any agreement. Then, yesterday, Kelly bought a $40 dress and so agreed to go in the limo, because it would make the total she spent a reasonable price. Diana was overjoyed; Maggie told Kell that she's still not sure. I'm sure Erin and Amanda will go for it now, and I'm pretty sure Mag will end up going in it, too. Jayne was up for it when she heard that That Girl was going to go in it, but she doesn't know if she can pay for it and she doesn't want Adam to have to pay for it. Heard from Mark that Hotaru didn't want Vincent to pay for her limo seat, so figured the whole thing would probably fall apart anyway with a lack of enough people (Amanda is going stag). Not my business, right? Just focused on comforting Di.

But then, today, Mark IMed me while I was studying for Physics at Kelly's, and he freaked out about... Gosh, I don't even know. About being out of the loop, I guess. Hotaru told him that Diana said that all of us were going in the limo, but Hotaru doesn't know about my special situation because I doubt Diana would randomly tell her that (why would Hotaru care), but then that wrong information got to Mark and upset him. The last Diana'd said on Friday was that she had told Elaine/Hotaru that our group wasn't going in a limo, so I was kinda like, uh, WTF? I guess she talked to Hotaru last night after Kelly said okay to the limo. Anyway. Diana and I both tried to calm him down but he just freaked out more. He freaked out that Di was going to bitch at him, but I told him that she had already counted us as not going in the limo, and that even before he asked me I was already not going in the limo unless my date wanted to, and that nobody was going to fight me about it after the shit I had to put up with last year.

But he still freaked out, and then he started getting upset about me not telling him that there was any discussion of limos happening at all, and argh, he said he "knows it's not my fault" but then he got mad at me for not telling him, and at first I felt bad that he was freaking out but then after he got mad at me about not telling him that nothing was happening, I got really upset, too, because I'd only not told him because it looked like the limo was a no with both groups so it was hardly an issue, and I didn't want him to worry about something before it was even decided concretely. But he got upset at that, and I just kept telling him that I'd do whatever he wanted, but that just upset him more, and ARGH, I was so nice about it, too. I'm tired of people getting at me when I'm trying to be really nice. It's stupid, and I don't deserve it. I said sorry and explained myself, even. Ended up working myself in a fix and now I'm dreading this week more than ever, mrgh. Finals plus worrying and feeling guilty about an upset date sounds just like my idea of fun.

Hah. Ironically, I was just going to bring up transportation with him tomorrow. I can't believe the Venadies got to him before I did. Argh. I'm seriously not up for this. And now Jayne is quitting and Diana's pissed and mrgh. Why now?! Why when I'm still freaking about getting a D in half of my classes?! Argh!

Haha, P(otential) E(nergy) = mgh. I'm going to fail this Physics test. Studying with Diana and Kelly made me feel like the stupidest person on the planet.

did i disappoint you
or let you down?

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Posted on 01/20/08 by Elaine

academic troubles

mood:

weary
music: our Town - Cars, James Taylor

Today was a really bad day.

On Tuesday, when I was crying at lunch, Jayne said, "Wow, I'm glad that there's more to my life than school." I wish my academic success (or lack thereof) affected me less. It's caused me so much strife for my entire high school career and I can't help but think that it's really just not worth it. I'm going to get into some random UC--but so are people who haven't worked as hard as I have. What the heck was the point of all this stress?! All this lack of sleep... I dunno. I depend on grades so much to feel like...good about myself, but I see all the other people who don't do as well as I do (or usually do, anyway), and if they're not as happy as I am, it's not because of their grades.

Anyway... In Physics, Mr. Sacks taught us how to calculate our grade in the class and what we needed to get on the final to get the grades we wanted (he has a really fucked up grading system). Discovered that I needed an A on the final to get a C in the class, although a C+ to get a C- in the class. Later, I found out that I'd calculated wrong, but at the moment it was...not exactly something I wanted to hear. I tried working on the tests Diana let me borrow (I tried studying off of my own but it's kind of pointless to study off of a test on which you got less than half of the problems correct), and it was...really difficult for me, and that just... Freaked me out even more, I guess. The fact that I didn't understand the extra credit problems and didn't win the extra credit egg catapult project didn't exactly help things. Started crying a little in class, but that was just... I'm used to that, sad as it sounds. (I've cried in Physics and Calc a billion times this semester.)

After class, I talked to Mag and Kelly and Mark about my anxiety and they said that I could get a C+, but I wasn't so sure. It's hard to be confident when your test scores have been C, D, F, D, B, or something like that. Anyway, I was just kind of depressed and upset when I talked to them, but after they left, I began to freak out again and cried in the band room a little. Then, I waited for Jayne in the hallway while she copied stuff, and Di called, and I told her about how I was upset and stuff, and talking about it just... I dunno, but I started crying again. Mr. A walked by a few times, which was embarrassing. Adam came by, too, and asked if I was okay. That was nice. I could only say, "Physics is a horrible thing." Sigh.

Got dropped off at home and since nobody was in the house, I just...broke down. Cried and cried and screamed and tried to get it all out. Didn't really help that much (which is new). When Mother came home, told her that I might fail Physics, and she lectured me about not getting a tutor and about how no college is going to accept me and stuff. I told her I was wrong for not getting a tutor and asked her to please not add stress to my already filled plate. She was crying, too, so she went to the bathroom, and I went for a walk to clear my mind. Ended up being too tired to really walk, so I just sat on the swings and played on them for a while, just listening to loud music and trying to calm the hell down. Jayne called and I told her what happened, and talking about it all just...made me start crying again. Mrgh. Eventually went back to the house and just went to sleep, still upset and more tired than ever.

Mark's text woke me up and then I talked to him a while about everything. He was really, really nice and encouraging and helpful about everything; I'm beyond grateful. Found out that I'd actually gotten a C first quarter (I don't remember this!), and he calculated that I can get a D on the final and still pass the class. Oh, man. That's definitely a relief. It's not like I'm going to study any less harder (because I really am...beyond abysmal at this subject), but at least I feel more optimistic about semester grades. He calculated that I only need to get a D+ on the Calc final to get a C, too, which is a relief, too. And he's so sweet; he's going to let me borrow his Calc stuff from last year and give me his Gov study guide. (He says I shouldn't be so touched since I gave him a bunch of Bio study guides last year, but I still really, really appreciate it.) And Di let me scan all her notes and tests (I have 50 pages worth of them on my computer at the moment, LOL), so... I am very, very thankful that I have such nice friends. ...Nice, smart, friends, haha.

Mrgh, this year is...really confusing. Half the time, I'm more worried and depressed than I've ever been, and the other half of the time, I'm the happiest I've ever been. Huh?! At the moment I'm working on Physics flashcards/study guide that I can take to Disneyland tomorrow. I'm going with Marching Band, and even though Jayne can't go (boo! sad

), I'm still excited. I really hope that I have a good time. I need it, after today.

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Posted on 01/18/08 by Elaine

winter formal date

mood: ecstatic and excited and happy and TONS OF POSITIVE FEELINGS
music: Take You There - Sean Kingston

Guess who has a date to Winter Formal?

That's right! dorkygrin

And who should it be but my best friend and the guy I've liked for over a year (and three times that length of time if you count all the crazy on-and-off crushing)? Yup, Mark asked me today, and, well... What else is there to say?! Other than--OMG!!! cheerful

So today I took a Calculus test and did...abysmally. I racked up the points that I could get (that's if I got every one I filled in correct) and it was like...35/100 or something. Oh, man. And when I turned it in, Mrs. Justice asked me what happened and had this like...shocked, disappointed look on her face, and I could only mumble that I was too overwhelmed with everything. Really upset, I cried all throughout lunch. Everyone was so nice about it and everything; it was so nice. Embarrassingly enough, Mark came to visit (that's the third day in a row! happy

) and witnessed my crying and stayed with us for the rest of lunch trying to tell me that everything would be fine; that was nice, too. Anyway, I was basically having a really shitty day. I felt miserable all through Orchestra and the thought of the looming finals didn't exactly help. Also, I wouldn't be able to hang out with Jayne and Mark and Adam after school because I had to leave to do a project (it ended up that I'd calculated wrong and I was able to hang out for like an hour), and there is little that I can't stand more than being left out.

But after school, Jayne and Mark and I hung out as usual in the band room; Di and Amanda and Adam and a bunch of other people were there, too. Mark was all over the place playing a billion instruments as usual, but then he went to the piano and started playing the "Portuguese Love Theme" from Love Actually all grandiosely, and I gravitated to him instantly 'cause I love it when he plays that--and he knows it. He played for a bit (it was really pretty, haha) and then out of nowhere sang, "Elaine, will you please go to Winter Formal with me?" to the song and OMG!!! LOL, it was so dorky and funny, and we were both cracking up, but my heart was going crazy with adoration. I giggled and hugged him, and he said something like "I'll take that" or something and kept playing, and I just stood there next to him happily, beaming brightly. He improvised and blended the Love Actually stuff into "Canon in D", which he knows is like my favorite classical song. When he finished, I gave him another hug and said "Thank you," as everyone clapped.

Then we attempted to play August Rush music together, except I'm a ridiculously terrible sight-reader, so it was probably just exasperating for him, but SKDJFSL:KFJLDSJFK I was so full of happiness that I could hardly bring myself to care about how bad I was proving myself to be in front of him. And then I was talking to everyone and stuff, and when I was talking to Jayne, he was playing violin loudly next to us, and Jayne was like, "Wow, I would feel mean calling Mark an attention whore but I don't because he actually is," and he just smiled and nodded at kept playing, LOL. That was really cute somehow.

Sadly, I then had to leave to do my project with Amanda, but before I left, I went to him at the piano (he was playing), leaned down, and kissed him on the cheek.

OMG, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT: This will be the second year in a row that he's asked me! And it'll be the third dance we've attended with each other, and EEEEE I just can't keep all this bubbliness in. The fact that he asked me on the day that he knew I needed to be cheered up; the fact that he asked me by playing two of my favorite songs and singing (Isn't that what those sappy girls are always after? L2Date a Musician!); the fact that... Just the fact that he's asking me again even after all the drama and shit that happened last year and even though he knows that I like him...

Oh, it's all so, so sweet, and I'm afraid that if I overanalyze everything I will expect too much and maybe he's just asking he can go with Adam and Jayne or something and this isn't anything but completely and totally platonic, but-- Whatever the circumstance, whatever his reason, I don't care, because... Oh my gosh! I'll take whatever I can get. Everyone wants us to get together "already", but I... He has already done so much for me that I... I don't know how to thank him enough, and I don't think it's fair for me to ask that of him when I already owe him so much. But I will wait. I will wait if it takes him weeks, months, years to realize that we're good together. And if nothing ever happens between us, then who am I to complain? I've already been gifted with so much. <3

(SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

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Posted on 01/15/08 by Elaine

physics and calculus dilemma

mood:

stressed out
music: Dear Jamie - Hellogoodbye

Ah, new layout. Feels good. It's totally missing something, huh? That's 'cause it's just somewhat of a placeholder until I finally have time to really work on something/figure out Wordpress. Not to say that I didn't put any effort into this, but I mean, I usually labor over my layouts for like an insane amount of time. The fact that my Photoshop was kinda buggy when I was working didn't really help. I just felt like something new but didn't have time to make a masterpiece.

Speaking of not having enough time, I'm so excited to drop Physics next semester that it's ridiculous. I seriously hate that class. Was talking to Vinh about it today in TA; he was really sweet, apologizing for not knowing that I was failing the class and not offering to help me. He asked if it was the concepts that I couldn't grasp (since the math is technically simple), and I said, no, it's more like... I think I get the concepts when he explains it, but when it comes to applying it to math, I just go braindead. So, yeah. Dropping that class for sure; I still can't believe that I actually have a D in a class. And it's my senior year! What the heck!

I still haven't decided whether or not to keep Calculus in my schedule next semester. I'm not doing terribly in the class, and I actually really like how structured it is, and I really like Mrs. Justice, but... It takes up so much of my time, and it stresses me out a lot. I feel like I'm constantly working on Calculus, even when I don't have it the next day, even on weekends. I would like to drop it. I would like very much to drop it.

But that's two classes, you know? And since I already submitted my UC applications, that means I have to write to each and every campus to inform them that I'm dropping not one, but two classes. My senior year. Doesn't that just scream "slacker" at you? When the truth is that I'm working harder than I've ever worked in my life. I mean, I've always been an overachiever and have worked hard to earn my straight A's (or B's in math, grr), but it's never been... It's never been hard, you know? Just a lot of work and business. But this year... I'm seriously struggling so much it's crazy. Taking two math-oriented courses hasn't exactly helped, and neither have my plethora of AP classes. This schedule was probably one of the worst decisions of my life--and to think that I was so proud of it last year; so happy that I would get out at 1:45 every afternoon! Guess I didn't take zero period into account, and I especially never expected the workload. With the tons of reading and essays and projects the English teachers are going crazy with this year, the 7-10 pages of Spanish homework every other night, the Calculus notes and homework and occasional study guides, Gov reading and the random project, and Physics reading and homework that takes me forever to understand (if I understand it at all)... I'm not made to deal with this. I'm used to staying up until four studying for a daily quiz, but I'm not built for intense homeworking like this--followed by having to wake up at six every morning!

I know I'm not the busiest person at school; I know that other people have so many more obligations than I do. But they deal with it. And I knew I couldn't at the beginning of this year--after the first day of Physics and Calc, I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up this year without ending up really stressed out--but Mark and Jayne encouraged me, and, well. I'm so prone to giving up so easily that I wanted to try. I told myself that I could do it. That if I just worked harder than I've ever worked, I could get decent grades in Calc and Physics, and everything would be fine and dandy, and I'd get an ego boost as a bonus! I think I need to tone down the optimism from now on, haha. Unfortunately, my prediction was exactly right; I'm failing those classes and what's worse is that I still don't have a single A in my other classes (except for like, Jazz and Orch, but I mean, wow, what an accomplishment, huh). For a girl who's accustomed to working hard and earning A's as a reward, this year's been...really, really hard for me. I need that, you know? I need to know that all this effort I put into my academic career, all this stress that I endure--that it's not all for nothing. That I'm getting something back for all my hard work! But nope. Not a single fucking A. I don't think I've even gotten an A on a test yet. And the semester is like two weeks from being over! Wow, Elaine. You are fucking pathetic.

Worst of all, I don't even have an A in English, which I'm supposed to be really good at. Hello, English major? Hello, I ♥ reading and grammar and writing and ARGH! I really wanted an award this year, too. Hah. Keep dreaming, eh?

So yeah. I still don't know if I should drop Calc. Talked to Mark more about it, and he said that second semester is really difficult, and that I'm going to be really bad at it (ah, my favorite blunt best friend). That makes me want to drop it, for sure. But we talked about the college thing, and ugh... I really want to get into a first-tier UC. Well, it's not that I really really want it, but... I would be really disappointed and angry if I didn't get into one. And I'm terrified that if I drop two classes, I'm going to be seen as a slacker and just...get rejected and have to regret and wonder about it for the rest of my life. That doesn't sound like fun. But neither does enduring 90 days of Calculus that I can't do.

Oh, why, oh why, didn't I just drop it at the beginning of the year? I swear, the reason that I'm so indecisive is that I make the stupidest decisions sometimes. Mrgh.

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Posted on 01/09/08 by Elaine

south coast & movies

So after the Vegas drama, Mom took us to South Coast Plaza to make up for not getting to shop 'cause of Dad. It was very sweet of her. Didn't end up buying much; just a really nice blue shirt and a necklace. Totally got hit on, though; oh man, that was an unpleasant experience.

So I was sitting outside Abercrombie & Fitch waiting for my sister and my mom (I haven't actually been inside an Abercrombie store before, haha; I have no interest in buying the same clothes that half the school buys, even if the material is nice; I also don't believe in expensive clothes, haha), and since there was no reception, I was just kinda sitting there watching the people come and go. It sounds freaky, but people-watching is always interesting. Unintentionally made eye contact with this random guy, and he came and sat down next to me. Asked me the time--oh man, what a tacky line. I wanted to say I didn't know, but I kinda was holding my phone, so I had to. I hoped that he would go away after I just kinda looked away and didn't acknowledge him at all, but he didn't!

He tried to engage me in conversation, asking me my ethnicity and where I wanted to go to college and if I got good grades and what kind of guys I was into and what grade I'm in and all this stuff. I just gave him monosyllabic answers, hoping he'd go away, and was totally like...ugh, when he asked me for my name and put his hand out for me to shake. (Kid couldn't even pronounce my name right; he kept saying Eileen, Elly, Ellen, and all these random names.) So he was a sophomore football player who went to a school near the mall; apparently he'd walked there just for the hell of it. Probably to pick up chicks. Creepy! Eventually...

Boy: So do you have a MySpace, Facebook, phone number?
Me: Uh, I have a Facebook.
Boy: Oh... I don't use Facebook, I use MySpace. I tried using Facebook once, but it was too complicated; I couldn't figure it out! I was like what the hell is this shit!
Me: Oh. [thinking: Too bad, sucker.]

I ended up giving him my whole name, because I was an idiot. Kept waiting for him to ask if I had a boyfriend, because I wanted to scream "YES, NOW GO AWAY" except he never did. Man. Kid's gonna get his ass beat if he keeps going around hitting on girls without asking that.

Boy: So, do you watch football?
Me: Um, I'm in Marching Band, so I've been at all the games and stuff.
Boy: Oh, you're in Marching Band? I never would've guessed; if you went to my school, you'd be the prettiest out of all the Marching Band people.
Me: Oh, really.
Boy: Yeah, especially since you're Asian. At my school they're all just white nerds who are really weird. Like I was walking down the hallway of the music building 'cause I had to deliver something to a teacher, and they were doing all this weird stuff, like playing with hackysacks and stuff. I was like, "What the hell is wrong with you people?
Me: [totally offended on behalf of these supposedly freaky bandos] Oh, haha.

Asked how old my sister was, too. Uber creepy! Luckily, I was able to escape when Jess finally came out of the store (it'd felt like forever!). Unfortunately, I went home and found that he'd friended me on Facebook. Oh my god, how sad is that. At least I had a great story to tell.

So then later that night (or was it the next day? I'm not sure), Erin called and asked if I wanted to see a movie with her! I said sure. We went to Spectrum with her dad, except we couldn't pick a movie. (I kinda wanted to eat dinner, but I didn't say anything.) I almost made a decision (I've been trying really hard to ever since Mark gave me that talk about my indecisiveness... Have I already blogged about this before? Hrm.), but Mr. Michel seemed really partial to Sweeney Todd and I Am Legend and I didn't want to like...make him pay for something he didn't want to see, you know? So we ended up seeing I Am Legend, and... HOLY SHIT, LOL. I hate horror/suspense movies, and I was like...terrified going into it, 'cause like, I'd said, "Isn't it scary, though?" to Mr. Michel, but he was like, "Oh, it shouldn't be that scary; just vampires or something." I was still terrified, but he was buying IMAX tickets, so I didn't say anything. Those are damn expensive.

Ended up being scared out of my wits and having to watch the movie with a popcorn bucket over my eyes, HAHA. Not even kidding. I even screamed at one part, and the day before I'd just read fanfiction about someone screaming at a horror flick, and I'd scoffed the idea of screaming at a movie. Well. I screamed. Loud and clear. It was pretty hilarious. But, uh. I still have trouble sleeping peacefully at night, which...really sucks, haha. It's why I never go see anything remotely scary or gory; I know that I'm a total wimp about anything like that. I have to say, though, it was a great movie. Terrifying, but the idea was great, and Will Smith was fantastic.

...So not going to see anything remotely scary for another ten years. I still remember being haunted by Jumanji....

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Posted on 01/06/08 by Elaine

new year's & resolutions

mood:

dreading returning to school tomorrow (is that a mood?)
music: Low - Flo Rida

Yay, epic New Year's entry!

2008. Where the heck did 2007 go? Wherever it went, I hope it's happy, because it certainly made me happy. It was probably the best year of my life. (2006 is a close contender.) Made about a billion new friends, became a thousand times closer to my closest ones, earned the respect of my parents, went to about a hundred different events, and more than anything I just...learned to be myself, you know?

Social confidence came a lot easier this year, for whatever reason. I finally feel really comfortable acting like myself in front of other people--maybe a toned down version of myself depending on the crowd, but still, at least I have a personality with them. I guess I've loosened up. I attribute it to my friends--knowing that they accept me wholly for who I am, it's just kinda like... Well, who cares if these strangers don't love me? I already have friends who are here for me; it's no huge loss if they don't like me. A great example of my social evolution (LOL) is my interaction with the Pit section. Except for not telling them that I'm bi (wouldn't have denied it, though, obviously), I was pretty much... Totally Elaine with them. Free, fun, silly, friendly... Everything, and none of it was exaggerated or anything. And it felt great. It felt great to talk to complete strangers, become close to them, and have fun with them, and the best part was knowing that it wasn't their effort. It's always seemed to me that everyone I'm friends with, like... They initiated the friendship, you know? Leaves you feeling really interesting--but really shitty and reserved, haha. But the Pit kids? I totally initiated that stuff. And it's a great feeling. Talking to strangers? It's still not easy. I don't think it ever will be for me. But at least I don't feel so uncomfortable and out-of-place anymore.

A related development is my willingness to initiate phone calls and AIM/text conversations. Nowadays, I'll call someone if I'm out and sitting somewhere bored; I'll eagerly engage everyone who signs online in conversation; I'll text a bunch of people just to say hi. Gone is the Elaine who was terrified of annoying her friends. Hey, if they've been friends with me for at least 3 years, they must not find me annoying, so I might as well bother them all I want, yeah? And really it's like... Well, the worst that happens is that they ignore me or aren't there or something. And, well. That's not so bad. So I'm really proud of that; it'd kinda been holding me back for years (ever since Kaitlyn blocked me, haha).

And my friends... Wow. I don't know how, but each year they just get more and more amazing. Diana and I have bonded more than ever, and I don't know how, but her four-month illness really softened her permanently. It's not like she's not a bitch anymore, but she's not as...critical? The way she picked out all my flaws 24/7 was always what bugged me the most about her--especially since they were all really bad things that I was ashamed of--so this new Diana is... Well, she's refreshing, haha. She's not afraid to speak her mind (by far), but she...doesn't go out of her way to hurt people anymore, and I'm more than thankful for that. And we've hung out so many freaking times this year, it's...awesome, really.

And speaking of getting closer, how do I even explain how close Mark and I have gotten in the past year? Starting with Winter Formal... Well, him asking me is one thing. The way I sided with him during all the stupid drama is another, and I don't know why, but I feel that it was really important. The fact that I was willing to fight for him against my friends... Well, it said something to me and to them, and I hope it said something to him. (It felt good not to be a pushover.) And then all the band events in Junior year gave us more opportunities to actually be around each other, and Senior year has just been... Fantastic in that respect. I know I keep saying it, but it's really true... It's all I've wanted all these years; for us to actually spend time together, hanging out, talking in person... And the way he's initiated a lot of these outings? It makes me feel less paranoid that this is a one-sided friendship. It's a good feeling. I'm kinda sad that we didn't hang out this break, though. I asked a few times but he said he was busy, and I'm kinda bummed because we'd made semi-plans before break, but that's okay, I guess. Maybe it's 'cause Jayne's not here or something; who knows. Oh, and he's been going on for years about how I confide in my blog instead of confiding in my friends, and well. This past year, I've tried my best to tell him everything and not just expect him to read it on here. I hope he's noticed.

Ah, Jayne. I don't know if we've become closer or not this year. Well, actually, I know we've become closer, but I don't know if that's good or not? No, that's not right either. I'm not sure really. But I know that we've had a lot of arguments this year, and we've really gotten in each other's hair recently. Oh, the good times are many. But there are bad times, when there never were before. But hey, happens every year, yeah? Eighth grade with Mag, Freshman year with Di, Sophomore year with Mark, and I guess Junior (or is it Senior? Or is it both?) year with Jayne. Frankly, we argue a lot; she bitches at me a lot; I upset her a lot. But she is still one of my treasured friends, and I really do love how we have almost every class together this semester. I know it's terrible and wrong and stupid, but she's been great to talk to about all this love stuff. I'm trying really hard to stop talking to her about it, but I do really appreciate that she's listened to me ramble on and on for the entire last year.

I'm really sad that Kelly and I don't get to see each other as often as we did Junior year. That was really great, and my friendship with her... It was really different and really amazing. It was great having someone to share my thoughts with; someone who really cared and thought about what I told her; someone who always, always made sure that I knew that she was on my side. Unfortunately, we don't have a billion classes together anymore--in fact, we only have Gov, but she doesn't even sit with us, so... Boo. I miss talking to her.

I'm really sad about Kristine, too. I miss her. We didn't have that much in common and some of our conversations were strained, but... She was a lot of fun. It made me really sad like... The Thursday that I was giving gifts out to friends not in my circle, I passed by her with a bag full of gifts and cards, and we said hi to each other (it was the first time I'd seen her in a few weeks), and I wanted so badly to give her a bag and a card, but... I hadn't prepared one for her. Because I can't deny it any longer; I can't keep holding on; I can't pretend that we're still friends. It's not like there's any animosity between us--but that's just it. There isn't very much of anything. And this depresses me a lot. At least she's with Aidin. And she's found her group of friends. I'm glad for that. I wouldn't have preferred that she stayed with us and suffered from feeling left out... But I do wish that we could at least still see each other and talk and stuff.

I've gotten a lot closer with Mag and Erin and Amanda this year, too. Mag and I have had both amusing and deep conversations on AIM, and she's been really encouraging regarding my romantic endeavor and really helpful regarding how to deal with Mark and Jayne when they were arguing and stuff. And Erin and I have definitely gotten closer due to band events and our open first Junior year. We've gotten to talk about some deeper issues this year, and it was nice having the opportunity to tell her that I will always be here for her if she wants to talk. I've repeated that notion to Amanda about a million times since Freshman year, and this year, she's finally started to open up about the things that upset her and stuff. Recently, we've talked a lot more, and it feels really nice. I'm glad she's letting me see more of her.

...Anyway. That was exhausting. Hahah. Regarding my parents... In the past, Mother's always been really uptight about how often I go out and who I go out with and where I go and all this stuff, and she used to refuse my pleas a lot, but this year... I think she finally realized that I'm going to go to college soon. She's been letting me go out pretty much as often as I want to, and I'm...loving it to death and definitely taking advantage of it. There's also an underlying message of trust. I'm glad she realizes that I'm old enough to go out when I want to, and I'm sure that the fact that I've finally learned to pick up my phone (it's now constantly in my pocket instead of in my purse where I can't hear or feel it ringing) helps, haha.

Going out totally made this year. Disneyland, school, movies, Spectrum, TMP, the District, random houses... It's been great. I live for those times; those days of laughter and storytelling and silliness and stupidity and love. My favorite feeling in the whole world has to be that one moment--that one moment that occurs every time I hang out with someone--during which laughter is endless.

Marching Band was definitely a highlight of the year. I still remember during the summer when I was like...just too terrified to go to the practice sessions, LOL. I was really distraught, and I really regretted joining... I doubted my ability to learn a new instrument and not be a total loner and everything. And then Marching Band camp came, and we all started getting to know each other, and Amy and Jacky and I did so much when everyone would slack off, and Jacky told me something that I will remember for the rest of my life. She told me that I was helpful, talented, memorized well, and all this other stuff... And she said that if I were a junior, I'd be section leader next year. That conversation... Wow. It just... I never expected to be recognized like that, you know? I'd even feared that I was overstepping Jacky's boundaries. So, it was...a great feeling. And all the compliments and Via Vaqueros that Mr. V dished out? Priceless. I get real appreciation from teachers so infrequently that even the smallest "Thank you for helping, Elaine" would just...make my day. The fact that he now adores me and really, really wanted me to join Jazz definitely adds to my happiness.

But just as important as being recognized by those above me was being recognized as a leader by the rest of my section. (I feel like I'm regurgitating my college essay....) I still remember in the beginning, like, I tried yelling at the fobs because they had to run a lap and they weren't listening to Mark or something, and they just argued stupidly with me. I remember Jacky telling me that they probably just were like, "Why do I have to listen to you?" But by the end of the season, they would listen to me, and it was really obvious that everyone respected me. That was a great feeling. Because it wasn't just that they respected me--they also simply liked me. Not just an outlet for my leadership, Marching Band also allowed me to have, basically, a shitload of fun. Dancing at those games? Oh, man, that is so one of my greatest achievements, getting the section to dance during the stand tunes. I even got Joe to do it! Joe the Ice Prince! So yeah. And just like...getting to know them was fantastic. I don't make my own friends very often. It felt to be close to people that I hadn't met through someone. What a great experience it all was.

I'm really proud of how I've become a personality in Spanish, too. I don't know how it happened, but I'm like...an asset to the class, a source of humor. And people are asking me for help and stuff, too, and it's like... I feel a little more complete, you know? It's nice feeling smart again. And all the people I've gotten to know in all my classes... I wrote twenty acquaintance/friend cards this year! And I had something to say to everyone... I'm especially happy that Alex and I have become friends. He's a great, hilarious guy, and he's a lot of fun to talk to. So sweet, too; he told me that he was concerned about my weight/health. What a dear. happy

I know this is totally weird, but I can't really think of that many like...inner developments I've gone through (that I haven't covered in my birthday entry...). Hmm, I wonder what my resolutions were last year...

Okay, totally didn't get a 95 in Pre-Calc, did try at Wordpress but didn't get the grasp of it, hardly ever slept at 2... Oh, I did learn to manage money better, I think. A little bit. Kind of? Haha, I dunno; I don't remember how bad I used to be. I still can't resist getting a smoothie every chance I get, but... At least I'm...better...ish? Um, totally fail in practicing piano and violin, but I do stay after school to practice vibes pretty often. That's something, right?! Did not master commercial graphics... Wish I had the time. I did make more friends and open up to more people and get more comfortable with initiating conversations with my friends, yay! Er, have not ridden the Maliboomer yet, and...don't think I will until maybe the end of the year, hahaha. I didn't read as much as I wanted to, but I did manage to read some books that weren't actually for school, so that's a semi-success? And about eating healthy... Well, I am willing to eat the chicken at CPK now; does that count? Haha. Ooh, this I'm happy with: a solid SAT score and a college that I hope to get into. 2170 and UCSD, yay.

So this year, I hope to...

Get an A in Spanish and English, a C in Physics, and a B- in Calc (that's for this semester--next semester I want all A's)
Convert this blog to Wordpress, because I've wanted to do it for years, and still haven't!
Sleep at least 5 hours every night
Master improvising and get a solo in Jazz
Ride Maliboomer and not be terrified of Tower of Terror
READ READ READ
Learn to eat chicken (LOL, I know that sounds like a ridiculous goal, but I'm inspired by Father's restraint in never eating meat; I want to emulate that)
Get a scholarship--even if it's like $10
Get a damn award from a teacher
Win over the person I love & have a successful relationship (or are those separate goals? Hrm.)
I feel like everything is so material; I want to have like...a personal goal? But honestly, I'm pretty happy with the way that I am right now... I guess one thing that I want to change is like... I want to stop giving up so easily. I know that seems totally wrong since I'm planning to drop at least one of my classes, but like... I want to stop feeling hopeless when something doesn't go my way, and like... I'm not sure how to explain it. But I think all my friends know that I give up on stuff really easily, and while I'm a really hard worker, I...don't think that I persevere all that much. I'm not sure if that's phrased correctly, but yeah. Hmm. There has to be something more, but I can't think of it right now.

Oh! And of course, I want to become closer to my friends than ever, and most of all just to... HAVE FUN! cool

Here's to 2008; I hope it's another year of success.

0 Comments

Posted on 01/06/08 by Elaine

a las vegas christmas

mood:

weary
music: Holly Wood Died - Yellowcard

So this year, we went to Vegas again, except that we left on Christmas Day as opposed to Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve was spent eating dinner at Sam Woo's; how exciting. Actually, it was exciting, because I'd curled my hair for the occasion! Well, it was a hybrid between curled and waved, but it was really fun nonetheless! I really liked it, but Mother said, "Yeah, why's it like that?" when I pointed it out to her, LOL. How depressing. Anyway, it was good knowing that I could at least do something...similar to curling my hair! Haha.

This Christmas... Sigh. Jess bitched and whined a lot about how it was the "worst Christmas ever" and how everything was wrong and blah blah, and admittedly, it was far from fantastic, but... We weren't even going to go to Vegas this year, and it was because of her whining that my parents had said okay and planned a trip. And she didn't appreciate it one bit, them doing that for her. It was very exasperating. Tried my best to entertain her and keep her out of my parents' hair during the ride there. Taught her how to read street/freeway signs, haha. When we got there, Father upgraded our suite to this freaking huge and awesome suite (the lady offered it for $100 more instead of $150), w00t.

After we settled down (the room was really close to...well, everything, too, which made Mom really happy because whenever we stayed at the Venetian in the past, we'd always get the Venezia Tower suites, which are like...really far from the lobby), went downstairs to eat at Noodle Asia, some Chinese place. Very pricey, like everything in Vegas. They didn't have the ricecake thingies that I usually order, so I was sad. After dinner, went back to the room to relax and USE THE WIRELESS INTERNET! Yep, wireless. Pretty awesome for us, since usually it's like a battle between Jess and Dad and me for who gets to use the Internet. $10 per computer, though. Yuck. At midnight, we ordered room service--Jess demanded that we did, "for the experience". sneer

As if she hasn't had enough room service in the past. Wasn't all that hungry, so I wasn't able to eat that much, but it was still really good food. Chose to sleep on the couch instead of with Jess because I was afraid she'd kick and move around a lot (she tends to because she's used to sleeping alone in a big bed); ended up falling asleep waiting for the shower to be available, with my contacts still in and all. Blegh!

Mom and Jess went shopping in the morning while Dad and I slept until noon, haha. Ah, that's the life. They bought me a Kenneth Cole purse and wallet, which was really sweet of them. Had lunch at the Grand Lux Cafe (Shrimp Scampi again... Man, that stuff is good but I've been having way too much of it lately), shopped around the Grand Canal Shoppes for a little bit... Well, actually, we only went to Kenneth Cole for Dad, since he wouldn't let us go to Sephora; who knows why. I had fun trying on shoes, though, and flirting with the cute blond salesgirl. She was kinda too skinny and too... I dunno, I hate when girls do like...the eyes popping out mascara thing. But she was still cute. Then, we bought Phantom tickets! And WOW, the attendant girl who we got the tickets from was so freaking cute that I wanted to kiss her and take her home with me. She had really long, straight, really soft-looking honey brown hair and eyeliner around both rims and she wasn't too girly but wasn't too manly and oh! So pretty. I couldn't stop asking her questions, LOL.

After that, we went to Circus Circus, and it was probably the most unsuccessful trip, hahaha. I did win a game of horse-racing, at least? Haha. Ooh, I was really good, though, like, I came in second every time. It was really exciting! And like between rounds, I'd just sit there and continuously practice throwing the ball, and once, this guy next to me was like, "Wow, you're really, really good!" and I was so pleased, omg. happy

How nice! Won Milky, our new cow! Reminded me of Mark's "moo"ing, hahaha.

Chilled in the hotel room for a while before going downstairs to line up for Phantom. So exciting! And wow. I really, really liked the show. The singers were really good, although one of the Phantom's vowels were really weird and bugged me; Mother said it was an accent? No clue. Anyway, it was really enjoyable. The special effects were spectacular, and so...Vegas. I loved all the different sets, and the chandelier was just beyond awesome, OMFG. Christine's voice was really nice. Definitely recommend the show. dorkygrin

Afterwards, Mother and Jess went to go get a late dinner (sandwich and really yummy bacon and cheese fries), and I went back to the room. The next morning, had to wake up to pack. Dad got $100 worth of meal credits from the host downstairs (plus an extended checkout time), so we went to eat at the Cafe again, even though we were planning on going to some big Japanese buffet that my aunt had recommended. But then I had lox, mmm, so I didn't mind too much.

After lunch, checked out and left Vegas. Jess and Mom wanted to check out the Las Vegas Premiere Outlets or something that was just on the outskirts of the city, but Dad absolutely refused; it was kinda weird; usually he's pretty lenient about that kind of thing. Jess made a huge fuss, but she was pretty much ignored. Mom didn't say anything and let Dad have his way. I took a nap, and when woke up, we were past the Barstow outlet, too, where we usually stop and shop and rest at. A strange feeling of dread filled my chest, and I felt sad that we had driven past it (Mom had placated Jess by telling her we'd still go to that one, at least), which made me feel really guilty because it shouldn't have been such a big deal. I'd kinda been looking forward to it all year, though. I'd even like...chosen not to buy a big jacket for myself this winter because I knew that we were going to go there and I figured I could get a much better deal. So I was pretty disappointed, especially since like... Guess is like my favorite brand of clothes, but its products are so expensive that I only buy them at that outlet, and well. I dunno, but I was bummed. Jess woke up and was like, "How much longer until we get to the outlet?" Father promptly snapped, "I don't know," and Jess protested, "How can you not know?" and he said in his angry, exasperated tone, "We past it, okay?!" Jess cried silently in the dark.

It was a very tense ride home, and I did a lot of thinking, along these lines...

Why didn't Mother say anything? She'd been pretty eager to go to both outlets, too, I know. Why did she just let Father have his way? He refused to even give an explanation why. And he refused to relinquish the wheel to Mother, too, even though he was like half asleep the whole time. It was kinda scary because he'd swerve randomly when he dozed off, and Mother would have to plead him to let her drive. But he wouldn't. I felt kind of indignant. I guessed that Mother was just letting him have his way so that they wouldn't fight. She's so paranoid of divorce and of Father finding a mistress that it's like... I don't know, sometimes it seems like everything she does with Father, every decision she makes in relation to him, has something to do with preventing divorce/incentives for extra-marital affairs. And, well. As far as we know, it's worked so far, but... Is that really the way to make a marriage work? Compromise is one thing, but...not protesting at all is another. I don't know. I feel like I'm making too big a deal about shopping, but there was something much deeper going on in the car. I don't know what it was, but I know that I felt disturbed, seeing how my family interacted. I felt like a stranger watching us. Jess demanded something like the spoilt brat she is, Father unreasonably refused to give it to her, Mother played the good submissive housewife, and I just sat there, silent and invisible. We may not be as fucked up as some families are, but there is definitely something wrong in the equation, and I had never felt it so...apparently until that moment. Everything felt so wrong. How strange.

When we got back to Irvine, Mother asked Father if he could stop at Barnes and Noble really fast so that I could get the book I needed to get for homework. (I'd gone to get it before Vegas, but they were closed.) He yelled and asked why we couldn't go back to the house first; why was she in such a hurry. There was silence, and then she complied. After we unloaded at home and everything, she and I went to Barnes to get my book, and she ranted about how immature Father is sometimes; and about how he and Jess are of the same temperament. I'd never noticed it before, but it was true. They both have to have their way, or else they'll throw tantrums, and they depend on more submissive people like Mother and me to comply to their wishes. She said that when he got like that, she just didn't want to deal with him and just let him have his way so that they wouldn't argue. I nodded along with what she was saying, but I couldn't shake that awful feeling in my heart.

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Posted on 01/03/08 by Elaine

a date with diana

mood:

cheerful
music: 'Til I Get Over You - Michelle Branch

I think it was the 23nd, but I'm not sure. Anyway, Di and I went on a date to see The Golden Compass and just hang out at Spectrum. My first impression of the movie wasn't that great; I didn't really remember most of the stuff from the book, so I had to wonder if it was like...not like it at all. But then I looked up the book summary and realized it was pretty much all the same, and I was like, Wow, it sucks that they made it so exact but it turned out to be not that great. But then I read the book, and I was like, well. It's not like totally exact; it's pretty much what book-movies are: shortened, clipped versions of the book, with events and characters switched around to save money and controversial elements taken away and blah blah. So meh. Worth watching if you're bored, but don't make it a priority. The book, though. Oh man, the series is so freaking good. I don't think kids should read it, though, unless they're like...educated about certain issues. Like, I am the last person on earth to say like, oh this book has bad ideas that might corrupt you if you read them blah blah blah, but it's like... I don't think you can truly appreciate it unless you understand certain things, like the history of the Church and stuff. 'Cause I read it when I was like ten or eleven, and I totally didn't get all the religious commentary--and man, there is a shit load of it, hahha. I can definitely see why a lot of religious groups have boycotted the series. But oh, it's so good, if you have an open mind! Haha, anyway. I really hope that even though it didn't do very well in the US (apparently it did really well internationally) and they spent like a ton of money on it, they'll make the rest of the trilogy. And not just 'cause I want to see who they'll cast as Will either, hehe. angel

Anyway, the movie put us in a good mood. Di introduced me to the series, actually, and we talked about it a lot back then, so it was like...good memories. happy

Walked around for a while and then went to Barnes and Noble for Starbucks, and I tried the Caramel Apple Cider thingy that Mark recced, and oooh, was it tasty! Di and I had a lot of fun laughing at random stuff and being amused at my horrid attempts at texting on my new phone and just the usual great stuff. happy

I'm so glad to have a friend like her--man, I don't even know how to describe her. She's definitely irreplaceable, no matter what Beyonce says. tongue

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Posted on 01/01/08 by Elaine

holiday parties

mood:

pleased
music: If Only She Knew - Michelle Branch

she could never love you like i do

Friday the 21st, Mag, Jayne, and I got out early but Jayne had to pack and stuff, so Mom dropped her off at her house and took me and Mag to mine. Hung out and burned a CD for Mag for her Mom's party or something, and then Mother drove us to BJ's, where we met with everyone else, including Kelli. Lunch was a lot a lot a lot of fun, and oh man, Kelli confused "Nandhu" with "Janitor" and in context, it was just about THE most hilarious thing. I still tease her about it, hahaha. I had some yummy shrimp scampi (seems to be all I'm ever ordering at restaurants nowadays, haha). For once, we didn't argue about money, which felt good. I don't know if it's because this is our last year truly together or if I'm just realizing this now or what, but everytime I spend time with my frineds, all I can think is that I love them so freaking much. So. Freaking. Much.

Kelli and Dale dropped us off at Kelly's, and we just hung out for a while. Learned the Soulja Boy dance (or at least, Kelly and Amanda totally pwned at it while Erin, Diana, Maggie, and I were just...pathetically Asian/White, and Jayne was just...lazy and slept on the ground, hahah), cut and colored fish for Mag's carnival or something, looked up random funny songs, watch Ms. Peck on Jeopardy (so freaking awesome, except that I was exhausted and was watching TV--which always makes me fall asleep somehow--so I fell asleep during the second episode), opened presents...

Something seemed to be missing this year, and I have to wonder if it's the fact that I didn't organize everything. Last year, I was totally in charge of what seemed like every gift to every person, and well. I don't know, but the presents seemed to be awesome, and there was just this great atmosphere... I don't know, really. This year, I was planning on organizing all the joint gifts again, except I figured I was stressed out enough by school and didn't need something else to deal with. And nobody really brought it up, so I didn't, either. I wonder if that was it, or if it was just me imagining things, or if it's just that Senior year just can't seem to catch up with Junior year, which I still consider the best year of my life and of my high school career. Well, whatever was the matter, it was still enjoyable.

I got Transformers from Amanda, Bridge to Terabithia from Erin, a $20 Spectrum gift card from Mag, Cars pencils and vanilla lotion from Kelly (Good, maybe Mark will finally be satisfied with my terrible scent tongue

), a headset for voice chat on WoW from Di, a Transformers poster from Jess (that I ordered myself, haha, but I'm excited), and the iTouch I got on Black Friday from my parents. Oh, also my new phone is a sort of gift, I think.

Mark found it and was laughing at me because it has a mirror and he was like, OMG, that's so perfect for you, and so I went to the phone store and actually saw it, and it was pretty damn sexy. Like, Jess picked it up and was like, "See, this one's pretty, unlike those other ones" and I was like, "Hey!" And so I got really attached to it as Father was talking to the sales guy, and I ended up getting it, despite that it wasn't free, like I usually prefer... But it's hot, and I'm so in love with it, and I use it so much that it's at least not wasted. Only prob is that it's so pretty, and I drop my gadgets so much... I've already dropped it three times, LOL. I'm terrible. But it's hot. And the mirror is hot. And I obsessively clean it every day, LOL.

Anyway, back to gifts. Got Amanda the Kanye West Graduation CD, Mag a straightener, Kelly a $10 Pacsun gift card and some C.G. Bigalow lipgloss, Erin a necklace and headband and $7 giftcard to Barnes & Noble, Mark a book he wanted (that I looked through and wanted to keep, hahaha, but he said he'll let me borrow it) and Winnie Hsin (is that her name? haha) CDs that I burned for him and this Chinese instrument thing that was supposed to be part of his Taiwan gift and that I figured would amuse him for at least five minutes (I even got the navy blue one, haha)... And Di hasn't decided what she wants yet, and Jayne wanted us to hold back on a present so that she could figure out how much she needed to get her phone after her family gave her a bunch of AT&T giftcards, and they ended up giving her like...over how much she needed, so maybe we can get her a D-Land pass after all. happy

Also got Nina two penguin plastic glasses (haha, plastic glasses sounds so funny), Beth a teddy bear, Mr. Michel a moose, and Mrs. Lee a mug. Apparently they all really liked them, so w00t, I'm so good. Oh, teachers! Got Ms. Wexler a really cute snowman/pinecone hybrid ornament (LOL), Mrs. Langevin a cute snowman pin, Mr. Giuliano a football ornament (I don't even know how I managed to find that), and Mr. V some Nickel Creek CDs that I split with Mark. Plus an epic card.

Oh, the cards! I stayed up until six writing them, LOL. No joke. Thank god Jazz was optional that day. I'm like...notorious for my epic cards, but this year... I wanted all of them to be long, and all of them to be meaningful, and for them to just...just express how much love I feel for these people. And it was like, after a while, the cards started to feel formulaic, and I was like, "Am I just pretending to love these people?" but that wasn't the case at all. It was just... You can only express your love of someone on paper in so many ways, you know? I hope they at least enjoyed reading them, 'cause man, I worked hard on them, haha. My cards this year were really cute, too! To my closest friends, teachers, and the parents, I gave this sparkly, pretty snowman card (that got glitter all over my face, somehow...), and to my acquaintances/new friends I got this cute green card with a red border and a mouse putting the star on a tree--OF CHEESE! LOL, it's so cute. Anyway, haha. I didn't end up being able to do Mrs. Lee's card because Mother fell asleep and I wanted to do it in Chinese (when I told him, Mark said, "What are you, a suitress?" LOL), so Mark said I could give it to him later and he'd pretend he'd lost it, hahhaa. Most of the cards I wrote in turquoise ink so that it was distinctly me. happy

'Cause god knows how often I burst out, "That's my favorite color!" hahaha.

And for my family... I got Jess the Ferrari fans version of Luigi and Guido (from her favorite scene in Cars) and put together a package of some of my old makeup that I cleaned up and put new brushes in for and everything, Mother a "Classic Guitar" CD that was really relaxing and nice (she likes to put on relaxing music in her room) and my senior picture in a frame, and Father a screen cover for his iPhone and my senior picture in a frame. I think that everyone liked their gifts, so I'm happy. happy

I was kinda worried about Mark's, since he gushed about the sweatshirt that the Venadies got him but didn't say anything about mine, but it turned out that he waited until Christmas to open it, and he was really enthusiastic about it; it was really nice. I just get nervous buying him things, and I dunno if it's because he's a guy or if it's just because I feel like I don't know what he likes and doesn't like as well, or what, but yeah, I'm happy that he was pleased. I was also nervous about Jess's, because I knew for sure that she'd like something like a Hollister gift card or something, but the Guido was too perfect not to buy for her. But she squealed like crazy, so I was glad. Mother's, too, was iffy: I usually get her classical music CDs, but Target didn't have any, and I didn't have the means (and the energy) to go anywhere else, so I figured I'd try something new--and she really liked it.

I feel very triumphant about all the gifts I'd given this Christmas. After Taiwan, I realized that I am freaking awesome at shopping for gifts for people. And this Christmas seems to only confirm that fact. I'm pretty proud of myself. What a silly talent, but... It definitely comes in use, and it's...always so nice to see the happy expressions on people's faces when you give them a gift. Sometimes I think (or people say) that I'm a really selfish person, but... I really, really love to give people presents, and not for my benefit, either. It's a really good feeling. happy

...Oops, I forgot that I have to talk about another party. LOL. So at like seven, Beth picked us up (Mag went to church and Diana went home because she was tired and sick, sadly) and drove us to Erin's house to Kelli's holiday party. Kelli made us wear nametags because didn't all know each other, so I wrote that my name was Victoria, hahaha. Jayne was "Derek Venlet", LOL. Ate random goodies, watched and cheered like crazy for Ms. Peck on Jeopardy, played White Elephant... which was hilarious, because Erin kept getting all her things stolen away, LOL. I got this awesome earring stand that looks like an ampersand--so cool! And so me, hahaha, everyone even said so. dorkygrin

Then, we had a gingerbread house contest! Split up college students versus high school students. I'm usually hesitant at first about that stuff 'cause you get all gross, but man, you just have to get into it and it's just like, oh well, I'm already dirty, whee! ...God, I hope I won't feel like that in college, meep. Haha, anyway, we all had a lot of fun with it. I made a hula girl (yeah, yeah, anachronism, but we live in SoCal so who cares!) and a yellow brick road and stained glass windows and the garden hedge and yay! Mr. Michel was the judge, and he deemed ours the winner! So we got prizes, these cute snowflake ornaments. Kelli is so cute.

Then, we played another game where we had to guess which Christmas songs these clues were referring to, and Chris and I didn't quite pwn, but I think we did a pretty good job. good

Even though Mark came and just like, dominated, hahaha. After that, we played Scattegories, which is so my kind of game. I'm not sure why, but it suited me for some reason. I should get it sometime, hmm. Haven't bought a board game in what seems like forever, and I love board games. Jayne and I lost terribly at first, but then we started winning, yay! Poor Mark was exhausted and promptly collapsed on the sofa. He was cute, all asleep and relaxed like that. Then, Jayne had to get home since she was leaving for NorCal in like an hour or two, so we all went home. It was definitely a fun day. happy

All of us. :)

Pwnage gingerbread house!

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Posted on 01/01/08 by Elaine