approval
Me: so tell me your prediction about mark and me
Diana: i wouldnt ask thaqt
Me: LOL
Me: ok
Me: that bad huh
Diana: you should not aaaaaaask de questions you do not weeeeeeeesh to knooooooooow
Me: hahaahahh
Me: ok
Diana: no its not that bad
Diana: i just really like this one and i want it to last

My life is a little more complete, now.

:)
0 Comments
Posted on 02/28/08 by Elaine
aaaaaah
mood: confused confused
music: Push (Country Version) - Matchbox Twenty

i don't know if i've
ever been good enough
i'm a little rusty,
and my head is caving in


I don't think I can concentrate enough to pass the Calculus test! Everything is distracting, everything both good and bad, and I...

I'm...distraught, and I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

Why must Jayne be so complicated?!

Why must I be so bad at accommodating people?

And why must this test be so hard?

Aaaaaah! I don't know. I'm caught between being really terrified and really excited for tomorrow and just really frustrated that I don't understand at all what Jayne wants from me. I don't think that you can Google this kind of help.
0 Comments
Posted on 02/28/08 by Elaine
conflicts
mood: sad forlorn
music: Talk of the Town - Jack Johnson

when you are older
you will understand


Sometimes it seems I'm doomed to this life--I'm one of the most passive, conflict-avoiding people out there, and yet it just seems like all that everyone around me does is argue. Friends and family alike. And then I don't know how to feel about it... It's not fair for me to complain, because I'm not directly suffering from it; and yet, it's... It's tough to be stuck between two people who just won't stop clashing and not being able to do a thing, because any opinion of yours totally fuels one side, which is never your aim.

Things have been bad in the house lately. Jess is becoming more like me in the sense that she is constantly texting and on the phone with her friends. Is this good or bad? I don't know. I never know what to say about her and her ever-changing friendships. Today, we gave Diana and Amanda a ride home, and Jess bitched the entire time. Later, she told Mother that she had a dance tomorrow at 530. Mother made a snarky comment about how her notices were always last minute, and all hell erupted; Jess was actually the one to bring me up this time. I told you that I'm always involved without even talking. She said that I never did, and that at least this was the day before. Mother went crazy. She started ranting about how if Jess wanted to compare herself to me, then Mother would be happy to do it for her. I knew what she was going to say before she said it, and I wanted to just cover her mouth before it came out, but Mother said... "I've never compared you to her before", and that's...just about the most untrue statement ever. Jess was so angry she didn't even bother defending herself; she just let Mother rant.

Finally, she's learning.

Mother kept threatening to "compare" the two of us for Jess, and noted that she treats Jess like she's my age, even though she's four years younger, and does she want her to stop doing that for her? When we got home, Jess ran out of the car and we heard her screaming in frustration as she entered the house.

I don't know what to do about the two of them.

Yesterday, Mother asked about the package that arrived and we talked about Jess and how she keeps asking me to bid on jeans on eBay. Expensive ones, too. It ended okay; she said that I could order stuff it was under $40 and it was Jess's own money. We moaned and groaned about how to raise her for a bit, haha. Later that night, they had a confrontation. Mother demanded the cash that Jess owes her, but Jess insisted that she would just deduct it from "her account" with Mother, and Mother said that she only had $50 left because she took her shopping on Sunday and she spent a lot. Jess protested that she didn't have to pay for those clothes (nine shirts, three necklaces, and a headband... Jesus) because it was Mother's responsibility, since she was the one who took her shopping. ...Wow. What fucking nerve! She was lucky that Mother agreed to take her at all! What a bitch. So then they argued more, and then the conclusion was that I'm not allowed to order anything for her anymore.

I feel extremely relieved; I know it's pathetic, but I needed that kind of backing to stand up to my sister. My little sister. Who is thirteen. And vicious as all hell. Sigh. I really wonder what went wrong, sometimes.

In other news, Jayne has decided to avoid me at all costs. Mark put up an angry away message, and she interpreted it...the way Jayne usually interprets things, and promptly decided to not be my friend anymore or something. My first instinct was to say to her, "You're just going to abandon me?" but then I remembered that I've been trying to be a better friend to her, and that she always says that I'm a selfish bitch (hah), so I didn't. School was awkward, but she's been avoiding me lately anyway, so it wasn't anything too new. At the moment I'm just kinda like...too incredulous to feel anything except...disbelief. We'll see what happens, I suppose. I don't know what to wish for regarding her anymore. I want her to be happy, but... She's not letting herself be happy, and, well. I can't really do anything about that, can I?

I don't know. I'm just exasperated. Not angry, not sad, just. Damn exasperated. She brings to mind the word, "Wow."

It's like a vicious pattern, eh? Gain love, lose a friend? Is that how it is? Well. At least this time it's not my fault. I dunno. I really don't know what to say about her anymore. I suppose she'd rather that I didn't talk about her at all. Who knows.

i want to be where the talk of the town
is about last night
when the sun went down
0 Comments
Posted on 02/28/08 by Elaine
no regrets
mood: blush fortunate
music: This Fire - Franz Ferdinand

About the career argument... Jayne asked me what I wanted to be, and I said a copyeditor. She said, "Really?" and brought up graphics design and how I'm so good at it and stuff. I told her that I didn't do a portfolio, therefore I didn't apply to any art schools, therefore going into something related to graphics isn't exactly an option right now. She thought it was stupid that I didn't think I could get a job in a graphics field if I didn't go to an art school. I said that it wasn't that I wouldn't be able to get a job, but that I wouldn't be able to be very successful. She said that I was "arrogant" and...some other synonym of snobby, I don't remember. We argued some more. I explained to her my anxieties about not wanting to regret the choices I made by not doing that art portfolio program thing, by not applying to any art schools, by not pursuing that path. She said that it was stupid of me to give up something that I was talented in. I was indignant; I never said I was giving it up; why would I give it up? Mark isn't giving up music, is he? She said that I was happier designing graphics than writing.

I thought that was absolutely ridiculous. Shouldn't I know better than her what makes me happy? I'm not happier doing either; I like doing both; which one just depends on my mood.

In the end, she said, "Fine, go study words. ...And syntax."

I cried; it was sadness yesterday but I feel angry as I type this. I felt very betrayed and quite frustrated and indignant. She hurt me a lot, when she made it obvious that she thought that I was making a stupid choice by wanting to pursue a career in English.

Of all the people... She's the one who's been talking about how half of her family doesn't support her sudden decision to be a music teacher, and how hard that is on her. How could she do that then?! I don't understand. Why deprecate someone else's decision about their future when you know what it feels like to suffer from not having the support of people whose opinions matter the most to you?

I felt very betrayed. Gosh, it's not like I don't know that it's not the greatest career path. It's not like I don't know that I have potential in design. But I don't really believe that I can be really all that successful no matter which path I take (I'm not even close to creative enough to excel in either category), so I mean. I'm not going to regret the decisions that I make. It took me damn long enough to make them.

But yeah. That was unpleasant.

Today, she asked, "You cried?" as if it were a surprise. I guess she didn't understand, after all. I dunno. I'm over it, but. Wounded, a little, is all. I don't ask my friends and family to approve of my choices about my future. I just ask them to support me in them. Is that so much?
0 Comments
Posted on 02/27/08 by Elaine
cyclic
It's like.

A vicious cycle.

Of unproductive frustration.

depressed

More later tonight.
0 Comments
Posted on 02/27/08 by Elaine
arguments & survey
Wow, I must've blocked it out of my mind or something, but today, Jayne and I argued about my career/major/future path choice. It ended badly, and I cried. I don't really want to talk about it right now, but I might elaborate tomorrow or something.

Because Amanda posts like ten surveys a day, and I figure one can't hurt. cheerful

1. Are you dating the person you text most?
Yes, hahaha.

2. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?
I think it depends on the person.

3. What do you want right now?
For Mark and me not to be sick anymore.

4. Who was the last person of the same sex you shared a bed with?
Probably Jayne. BEDWHORE.

5. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
A huge fucking strawberry! Yum.

6. Do you drink milk straight from the carton?
Grosssss.

7. What does your last incoming text message say?
"Can you bring any sharpies, too? Especially thin tip ones" LOL from Mark.

8. What was the last song you listened to?
Feedback - Janet Jackson

9. What's irritating you right now?
Nothing really! Maybe the fact that I got my boyfriend sick during one of the most important weeks of his life. -_____- Where he has to like. Sing. LOL.

10. What did you do last night?
Blogged! And studied for Gov. And talked to Jayne and Mark.

11. Do you swear at your parent(s)?
Nope; I don't have any reason to.

12. Do you like anyone now?
Yes, I love him very much. <3

13. When was the last time you lied?
A few days ago.

14. Do you miss your ex?
Not especially.

15. Pick a scar on your body, how'd you get it?
Ooh, my freaky gash down the back of my right leg! I got it from...scratching it, LOL. So badass, I know. It actually looks like I was in a knife fight or something, LOL.

16. What are you excited for?
Seeing the musical tomorrow! And Friday. And Saturday. I am a good friend. ^__^

17. What do you want to do when you got out of high school?
Go to college?

18. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Wow, I guess techincally no. Weird, you'd think... Hrm.

19. Do you curse?
Yes, but I'm trying to stop swearing when it's totally unnecessary and there are better (and more original!) substitutes.

20. What are you currently listening to?
Feedback - Janet Jackson; loop it, baby!

21. Do long distance relationships actually work?
I think they can, but both parties must be very, very dedicated to making it work and to remaining loyal and keeping their feelings alive.

22. What's the first thing you would do with five million bucks?
Ooh! I want to shop; some new clothes would be nice. I haven't bought any new clothes since...December? And then I would buy a smoothie. BECAUSE I LOVE SMOOTHIES OMFG--hey, maybe I would buy a Jamba card so that I could...USE IT LATER. (Seriously, I really should've given them up for Lent... x_x) And then I would buy a car. And then I would take all my friends on a trip. :D And then I would be broke again. LOL.

23. What did your last outgoing text message say?
"Mark i think you have two of my gluesticks" ...LOL. Kinky.

24. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
IHS PE shirt, hahaha. Where do you think I got it?

25. What was the last thing you bought?
Tickets for the musical!

26. Do you use an alarm clock?
Yes, but it doesn't really make me get up. It just makes me wake up, turn it off, and then lie around thinking that I'll wake up in five minutes...but then I don't.

27. Where are you?
In my room, yay. Best place on the face of the earth. :)

28. Next thing you'll spend money on?
More tickets for the musical! LOL.

29. Whats the first thing you notice on the SAME/OPPOSITE sex?
...What is the point of even typing that if you mean both of them? OMG, hair!

30. Is cheating ever okay?
I don't think it's ever okay, but I don't think it has to ruin a relationship, either.

31. Do you want someone you can't have?
I have someone. :)

32. Which of your friends do you argue with most?
Jayne now.

33. Who is the last person you kissed and when?
Mark on the cheek, at Formal. Which is kind of sad seeing as we've been going out for like two weeks. God, I hate being sick!

34. What radio station(s) do you listen to?
102.7 KIIS and 88.1 the jazz station

35. Are you afraid of the dark?
Not so much anymore. I've trained myself. :D

36. Do you miss someone today?
Not really; I missed Kristine yesterday, though.

37. Do you still have pictures of you & your ex?
Yes. I still take pics with her, hahaha.

38. Last person who told you your problems were going to be okay?
Mark, probably, but I'm not sure.

39. What are your plans for tomorrow?
School, help Mark with his Physics project during fourth, homework, musical with Mom.
0 Comments
Posted on 02/26/08 by Elaine
blue skies
mood: cheerful cheerful
music: Like I Love You - Justin Timberlake

The weather was terrific today. It made me happy. I seriously can't stand winter weather--I suppose it's just as well that Father wouldn't let me apply out-of-state--and I live in Southern California! Gosh. Shame on me, a native East Coaster... sneer But yeah, the blue skies and sunshine and warm air felt fantastic on my skin. There isn't much that's better than the feeling of sunshine on bare skin. Erin's insane for hating it!

I just remembered; the other day, I was talking about how I still haven't contacted the UCs about my dropped class (Physics), and Ann asked what I was talking about, and I explained to her that I dropped Physics this semester. And she laughed. Like, at me. Blatantly. I was kind of hurt. Not that I really care what Ann thinks of me, but it was just like...that guy laughing at me about my C- in Calc. Alas, my friends are too encouraging; I need to get used to the real world, hahaha.

Anyway. Today was nice. Except that I woke up early and went to Jazz for nothing, LOL. As in, I missed yesterday, felt so bad I made sure I came today, actually came for nothing (it was just a brass thing, and it started at 7:20), and... Yeah. LOL. Ah well, I got some notes in; Mr. V let me play along a little bit, but it really was all about the brass, haha. At least I don't have to go in tomorrow, which means I can go into school at like 930! Yay!

At break, Jayne gave me a long hug, which I appreciated. She can't touch me or something lately, so that was nice of her to sacrifice herself. She said that she was trying to be a better friend. I said that I am, too.

In Spanish, we got our tests back, and everyone did pretty badly. She curved it down from 82 points to 70 or 73 points (something like that); I got 63. I'm kinda sad because I studied for it and felt pretty good about it. And they were just scattered mistakes, too. Boo. But then she gave back the other part of the test, which is on a story we read, and she had to curve that down to 18/20. But I got 20/20! And she said that I was the only person in both classes to get that! dorkygrin Yay! I haven't gotten a top score in what seems like forever. I feel so much more in my element now. happy

Lunch made me really happy. Laid on the ground of the amphitheater and just talked with everyone all relaxed-like. Even talked to Ben and Matt, which was nice. We examined my sandwich (it had weird orange things and the cheese, if I recall, is like months and months old--but it tasted great? LOL) and discussed the qualities of cheese. Then, Mark, Kell, and Jayne came back from doing their Physics project and I went with Mark to go reserve seats for Saturday night. He gave me a big, long hug, and I never wanted to let go. I felt very... Very not alone. That was really nice. happy He said that I could just ask for a hug whenever I wanted one, which was nice to hear. Good, too. I think I needed that, however silly that seems. When we went back to the amphitheater, he held me close and hugged me a lot. I was really touched and really happy. That made my day. It feels so good to be a part of something, it really does. ♥ The past two years have been really...lonely. I haven't been unhappy at all, no, and I can't say that I ever yearned for a relationship or anything like that, but... Life always felt a little lonely, after knowing what it was like to be with someone. I'm glad that Mark and I are together. I think that we will be good for one another.

In other news, I didn't actually fall asleep during the Gov test! Miracle of miracles! I actually think I did okay... Better than I expected to do, anyway. I hope I score all right; I've heard that his tests are insanely messed up. I really like sitting next to Alex; it's not like we're chatting incessantly the entire class-time (how would that be possible with all my napping, HAHA), but we just talk randomly, and it's so like... Like familiar, you know? It makes me happy. I'm really glad that we became friends this year. I was actually thinking about it, like... It makes me sad that I'd never really heard of him before, other than random references by Mark. It makes me sad because he gets damn good grades, and that reminds me of like... How I felt for the first two years of high school; like I never got the recognition that I believed that I deserved (obviously, I've learned that the rules of high school popularity/recognition are way different). But that's the way life goes, I suppose. I'm just glad I met him.

Hrm. I didn't eat that much today. I tried eating cherry tomatoes, but I realized that I don't really like them. I feel bad because Mother washed a whole box of them for me. I want to force myself to eat them, but I dunno. Hrm. There is that whole thing about tomatoes making your, uh, juices, sweet... Heh. Maybe I'll have another one. [/slut]
0 Comments
Posted on 02/26/08 by Elaine
rollercoaster day
mood: confused strange
music: Feedback - Janet Jackson

The problem with not procrastinating is that you're constantly working. This week, I've been doing all my homework incredibly early (as in like finishing everything that's due on one day the day before), and yet I'm still sleeping at a ridiculous time. Sometimes procrastinating makes so much more sense; at least I got some fun in, right? I dunno. Working ahead makes me feel really good; it just kinda sucks in retrospect.

Janet Jackson's "Feedback" has been blasting from my speakers for the past few days, but I only realized yesterday the social suicide I'm committing by singing repeatedly, "SEXY SEXY SEXY" with a lisp. Hahaha. What a great song though.

This morning, I overslept and missed Jazz again. I hate myself sometimes. Jayne refrained from lecturing me about it; I both noticed and appreciated it. But I still feel hella guilty, especially since Mr. V treats me so well. I guess at least I'm not like ditching on purpose or anything; I stayed up late last night studying for the poetry essay I took during first. Ironically, all that work was for nothing because Mr. Giuliano gave me the poem that there'd been like NO information on the Internet about. Wowwww. And most ironic part is that I think that he gave me that poem because he thought it would be easier on me. He specifically said, "It's the one that Jayne presented" as if I would've paid more attention to her presentation or something! WTF! I was kind of indignant and like...WTF??...but like in my head, of course. And then he said he'd let Jayne grade it for extra credit. Why does she get extra credit for just being my friend?! WTF? sneer At least I think I did all right on the essay; I would've been really angry if I'd failed it.

During third, we got to skip Orch to go watch the musical rehearsal in the theater. That was awesome. I stayed through fourth period, too. I smiled at Erin's solos and laughed at Jayne's mistakes. And Mark was amazing, of course. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. Which I suppose is normal to feel about like, the star of the play, but really... I adore him so much. I still can't believe that this is happening. I feel like I'm dating a celebrity or something. happy It was funny because I knew half the songs already from hearing Mark sing them, so I mouthed along with some of the words and felt like a dork.

Today has been full of up and downs. After school, Jess bitched a little about having to give Amanda and Erin rides home, and Mother agreed a little. I felt horrible. It was in Chinese, but... I felt very small. And then they argued about what to get for lunch... I hate that I'm involved in most of their arguments even when I'm just sitting passively in the back. Mother just loves bringing me up in every possible conversation, ugh. And then finally I just said that I would be fine with In-N-Out, and then they started screaming at each other at the drive-thru window anyway. They're so ridiculous towards each other about stupid mistakes and stupid things... Argh. I was on the phone with Jayne at the time, so that was...incredibly awkward. At least she didn't understand half of it, I guess.

In the end, we had a plain hamburger, one with everything on it, and a cheeseburger with everything on it. Jess only wanted a plain cheeseburger. So... Mother told her to give the plain hamburger to me, and after some more fuss, Jess complied. Why did they give it to me? I didn't understand. I haven't eaten hamburgers since I was seven. It made no sense to me. But I didn't want to talk to them, and I didn't want to cause either of them to have any reason to notice me while they were pissy as fuck. So I took the hamburger. And I ate it.

This is monumental. It's been a decade, literally, since I last touched a hamburger. I ate half of it. It was...okay. I wouldn't buy it with my own money, but if I were hungry, I would eat it of my own volition. I figured Mark and Di would be proud of me. I'm making progress, slowly. I really want to gain weight.

Tutoring was okay. I didn't need that much of his help today. His allergies were really bad, though. I felt sorry for him. At first I was afraid that I'd gotten him sick, too.

It's cold. I want a big, long hug really badly, but I'm too shy to ask for one. Mark always seems to need to get somewhere, so I feel bad holding him back; I don't want him to think that I'm clingy. I usually get hugs from Jayne, but she refuses to touch me. I haven't hugged Maggie in a while. I think that I will tomorrow. I haven't hugged Erin in a while, either. Last year I couldn't stop hugging her. That was weird. But nice. Di always gives nice hugs, but I always let her initiate, because sometimes she snaps and is really mean to me when I ask her for one. I don't really like being told that someone doesn't want to hug me because I'm ugly or something. I feel so shy lately, sometimes. I think Mark makes me feel really shy and uncertain about what is acceptable. It's funny; I spent the past year making moves, and now that I'm with him, I'm afraid to? I'm so strange sometimes. It's kind of nice, though, letting him call the shots. It feels good to let someone else take charge. That sounds different from what I really mean. I guess I just mean that it's nice to be allowed to be submissive and obedient for once. That sounds funny, too; I'm sure everyone thinks of me as constantly like that. But not really. I don't really know what I'm saying anymore. I feel strange.

Mark mentioned Sarah asking him for Calc help all the time last year, and I said, "Yeah, I know." He asked, "Jealous much?" and I said, "Shush" in embarrassment. Something about that really disoriented me. I don't know why, but I suddenly feel really...vulnerable? I don't... I don't know. I'm not sure what exactly I feel vulnerable to. Mark's judgment? I hope he doesn't think I'm a jealous bitch. But...it's not like that's news, right? Everyone knows. So there would be no reason for new judgment? I dunno. But my face is stuck in a pout. There must be something wrong! I feel funny. Not bad, just...perplexed. By myself. How strange. C'mon, Laine, turn that frown upside down! I'll blame the hormones.

Don't let my weird mood convince you otherwise, though: I'm still amazingly happy. Today, he came to visit at lunch, and my heart leapt a little when he came over to me after socializing a little with the sophomores. Diana asked them to tell me I was beautiful after I told my friends about gaining weight. They said that it was Mark's job and that they didn't want him to kill them. Hahaha. That was cute. Guys are funny. I like the respect that they have, though. I find that like...really...cool, somehow. ...And then Jayne groped me like two minutes later, hahaha. I think she needs to take lessons from them, maybe.

any dream will do
0 Comments
Posted on 02/25/08 by Elaine
what a brat
Mark's right. I fail as a sister.

I tried today. Honest to god, I tried. I lectured her, full on lectured her.

She doesn't fucking care what I think. She only cares about what she wants, which is impressing anyone and everyone.

I'm crying--the kind where you can't get it out very well, but you can feel the hopelessness swell inside of you. Yay, more snot!

This is bullshit.

$90+ jeans. What a joke.

I'm glad she lost the auction.
0 Comments
Posted on 02/24/08 by Elaine
spec & stardust & play
mood: sad cold! I want a hug.
music: Feedback - Janet Jackson

We (Di, Manda, Kell, Jayne) went shopping for Winter Formal jewelry the weekend before the dance, which was fun. Had sushi for dinner (ran out of money so I had two orders of rolls instead of my sashimi... cry), mmm. Kell drove herself home, but Di, Manda, Jayne, and I decided to party. Nina picked us up (god, we need to drive so badly, LOL) and we went to 7-Eleven to pick up some booze. No, not really; we just got a bunch of random food. I got some Jones' berry lemonade, yum! Then, we danced all the way to Di's place, LOL. Like literally, the entire car ride was spent bouncing around. That was hilarious fun. We even stayed in the garage dancing because Rihanna's "Don't Stop the Music" wasn't over yet, hahaha.

At Di's, we watched Stardust, which...really fun, hahaha. The plot was so predictable yet tumultuous and I dunno, I'm really glad we didn't watch it in theaters like Di wanted us to, but it was really fun to watch with friends, hahaha. Especially those three; we had so much fun being like, "OMG NO WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT" and "NOOO DON'T DO THAT" and "AWWW OMG HOW CUTE" and "OH NO SHE'S GOING TO SEE HIM". LOL. It was so fun. Went home at like one something in the morning, yay.

That Wednesday, we went on a field trip! We being AP English Lit students, to go see Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest, which was put on by South Coast Rep! That was pretty cool. Asked Mark the night before if he wanted to sit with me, but he didn't respond, so I wasn't sure what to expect, but he just came to stand next to me (even though he'd been talking to a lot of people) and it was just like...implied that we'd be buddies. Jayne threw a hissy fit, but whatever; it should've been neither unexpected nor weird that I sit with Mark. Best friend and crush? Eesh.

But more than that is... In sophomore year, he, Mag, and I were in Freed together. There were a lot of partner things, and I was always with Mag, and he was always the leftover. He always told me how it always made him sad that he'd never had a designated partner in a class before. I felt so bad but never knew how/had the courage to tell Mag that I wanted to switch it up sometimes. And I didn't sit next to him, and in AP English Lang, I was too timid to sit with him and Hotaru and Jenny until he asked me too. I will never forgive myself for neglecting him like that.

I swore that this year would be different. Jayne can scream and bitch and moan however she wants to, but Mark is going to have a true best friend this year--a designated buddy and a companion who puts him above others.

Anyway. So we sat together on the bus; at first there were no seats, but then he asked Amanda Peronto if she would move to sit with the other single so that we could sit together. happy When we got to the place, everyone socialized for like half an hour while we waited to be let into the theater. Chatted with Mag, Kell, and Jayne--who was pissy, while Mark mingled with everyone. Kell tried really hard to cater to Jayne, but Jayne's kind of a hopeless case when she's pissy, so I felt kinda bad for her. Ehh. Then, we lined up to go in, and Mark rejoined me, aww! I didn't expect him to want to sit with me; that was nice. We argued briefly about seating arrangements, which made me feel very small. But then we talked for like half an hour before the play started, and he was really nice; like, I was sad that I failed this year and that my GPA had gone down from my pride and joy, 4.1, to 4.08 or something, and he just kept really nicely assuring me that I was doing great. It was sweet, especially coming from him.

The play was very enjoyable. I love stuff that makes me laugh, and somehow everything was still funny even though I'd already read the play, and had heard most of it repeated in class already. Leaned on Mark for a lot of it; poor thing was exhausted, so we rested together (I almost typed slept together, LOL) during the two intermissions. People's comments were funny, hahaha. At the end of the second intermission, Jayne came back and stirred up some trouble by arguing with Mark about...going out with me? I tried very hard not to listen, but Mark stormed out. Then Jayne talked loudly about what he'd sad when he returned, and I was annoyed as all hell. What the hell was she play at? I still don't get it.

The ride home was nice and quaint, and I dozed off a little, until the bus braked suddenly. That was freaky, and I latched onto Mark's arm, startled, haha. When we got back, Jayne, Mag, and I met up with Amanda and then we walked to Jayne's house and then got some Burger King. Mag bitched about her mom, which was kinda funny, hahaha. After lunch, Mag went home, and then Jayne, 'Manda, and I walked back to Jayne's place, where we helped Jayne put her earrings on and figure out what to do for her hair for Formal. Then, Amanda went home, and I'd meant to, too, except my mom was plugging up the phone line, so I couldn't reach her to ask for a ride, boo. I ended up staying way later than expected, and all I did was sleep, haha. Ah well. At least it was some well spent time.

P.S. Why am I still sick? sad I don't feel sick, but I still have a runny nose, and I still cough every so often. Agh, this sucks. I hope that I am well soon. So many people are sick, though. I hope that they are well soon, too.
0 Comments
Posted on 02/24/08 by Elaine
more random questions
mood: cheerful bouncy
music: Feedback - Janet Jackson

This is so fun!

1. What was the last important thing you were late for?
English class! The day that I went to the doctor's. I wasn't late because I went to the doctor's, but that was just the day that I did... LOL, yeah. I was late because Jess had to be dropped off first. I felt bad when Mr. Giuliano asked if I had a note, but I had to explain that I'd just gotten to school.

2. What was the last important thing you were late with?
...Late "to"? Winter Formal pics at Kelly's, hahaha. But luckily, we still arrived before Di, LOL.

3. What (or who!) is the most frequent cause of your lateness?
My mom! OMG! She's horrible with picking me up on time. It always sucks giving people rides and then picking them up like half an hour after I say that I'm going to, and not even because of me! Although, I mean, my mom's pretty busy, and it's not like she can just randomly decide to leave work any time. But still, hahaha.

4. Which of your close friends or relatives can you expect almost always to be inconveniently late?
DIANA! OMG, she's horrible. We usually tell her to arrive half an hour before we actually plan on meeting up, LOL. ...She still manages to be late every time.

5. What’s most likely to cause you to stay up too late before bed?
FANFICTION. OMG. I have no self-control; once I start reading, I seriously can't stop! It's terrible! I mean, it's great that it's reading that keeps me up, but seriously, it would be nice to be able to just tell myself No, you are not allowed to stay up until 7 AM reading that 30-chapter novella, LOL.


1. If you were on a game show and could phone a friend for help, who would your lifelines be for sports, arts & music, literature, history and geography, and science?
Ooh! Jayne for sports, Erin for arts, Mark for music, history, and geography, and Kell for science. I'm not really sure who I'd ask about literature... Maybe Mag, but I'm really the literature one of my friends...

2. When you need someone with muscles to help you with a task, who’s the first one you call?
Jayne. LOL. I think there's something wrong about that....

3. When you need some creative help with ideas for a project, who’s the first person you call?
Erin or Diana. Erin's definitely much more artistic, but Diana's definitely got some crazily awesome ideas about...pretty much everything, LOL.

4. When you have a moral dilemma and need advice, on whom do you rely most?
Moral? Hmm. I think Diana, because while she doesn't exactly act on her conscience most of the time, she has a clear sense of what is right and what is wrong, and I think I would trust her the most to not judge me. Like I think Mark and Kelly would be too judgmental? Hmm. I'm not sure.

5. When you need to know the best way to get somewhere, which of your directionally-gifted friends do you call upon first?
Ooh! Not Diana for sure, LOL. I think I would call either Jayne, Mark, or Kelly. Since only Kelly drives, I'm not really sure how good everyone is with directions. I've gotten worse as the years go by, though. How sad; I used to be really proud of being really good at directions.


1. Of peace, joy, love, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility, and self-control, which are you most lacking?
Hmm. I'd like to ask my friends their opinion on this; that would be interesting. But I think that I lack self-control the most. I work really hard to keep myself in check, though. I think that means a lot.

2. Of peace, joy, love, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility, and self-control, which are you most blessed with?
I think patience. It's gotten less obvious as I've grown older, but ever since I was a kid, I've always had an abundance of patience. Whether it's waiting or dealing with people... Hrm, I can be pretty impatient about not understanding a math concept, though. Like I give up pretty fast. Or, well, I used to; I've improved a lot in that area. I dunno. Maybe peace. I do despise arguments. ...Wow, I'm really stupid. Obviously I have the most of joy, LOL. Wow, that was really dumb to not realize that. I'm really good at getting happiness from the smallest things and just staying content with my life and the person that I am, no matter what happens. It's definitely a gift. happy

3. The Scout Law says that a scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. Which of these are relative strengths for you?
Hmm. I'm kind, obedient, and cheerful for sure. Does clean mean pure? LOL. I like to clean my room... Hahaha. I don't think that I'm that trustworthy, though I try my best to be loyal. I'm not really that helpful, sadly enough. I try to be friendly... But sometimes I'm too shy for it to get through. I think I am pretty courteous, but I think that's more for other people to judge. I definitely have manners, and I don't think anyone would say that I'm rude... I can be really thrifty sometimes and then the complete opposite at other times... It sucks. Definitely not brave, hahaha. I think I'm pretty reverent; that kinda ties in with the courteous thing, yeah?
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Posted on 02/23/08 by Elaine
friday 5
mood: cool adventurous
music: My Humps - Black Eyed Peas

I know it's not Friday. But I'm going to do the Friday 5 anyway, hahaha. (The surveys currently circulating on MySpace suck.)

1. What’s a pretty good sign that your day at work or school is going to be rough?
When I wake up late and don't get to do my makeup; when I oversleep and accidentally miss Jazz... Agh, I hate bad days! Which is actually pretty reasonable. Heh.

2. What’s a pretty good sign that your day at work or school is going to be terrific?
When I have a good outfit to wear and lots of time to do my homework and even eat breakfast. Ah, I love those days!

3. What’s a pretty good sign that you should probably eat out?
When I have lots of money. tongue

4. What’s a pretty good sign that you’re going to spend more money than you should?
OMG. When I have lots of money. It's so terrible that I try to pack/ask for as little money as possible so that I actually won't be able to spend too much. Another sign is when there's a smoothie shop within walking distance... Oh, man. I really should've given up smoothies for Lent...

5. What’s a pretty good sign that someone you’ve just met is going to be a pretty good friend?
When I feel comfortable talking and joking around with them, and they seem actually interested in me and my life. Sometimes you meet people, and it's like they're nice and everything, but they just don't seem really interested in you. Which sucks. But it's okay; I already have the greatest friends ever. happy
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Posted on 02/23/08 by Elaine
random days
mood: happy happy but guilty
music: Supposed to Be - Jack Johnson

Jayne told me that finding happiness in small things only works for me. I guess not everyone has the ability. sad Last night, I opened up a new package of post-its, and they make me happy because they're this really pretty but mellow orange. New packages make me happy. But used ones are just as special; there's nothing like an old favorite pen. My iTouch makes me happy, too. I bought Apple's January software upgrade, which adds four applications from the iPhone to the iTouch. What I'm happiest about? THE FREAKING NOTEPAD OMG. That was the one thing I got really mad about when I realized that the iTouch lacked it. But I finally have it! And I've been like blogging a little on it, which is fun. Typing on the keyboard is so fun! (Albeit noisy, because I have the clicker turned on because the clicky sound makes me smile, hee.)

So I've been sick for the past week, boooo. I hate being sick. I mean, obviously, nobody looooves being sick, but I'm just not very used to it at all, since I usually only get sick once a year.... Not this year, though. This is the second time in like two months! I blame it on my weight. Blegh. And I feel horrible because I got Mark sick... WTF kind of terrible girlfriend am I?! He's starring in the musical all next week, too! sad I feel so bad!

Got our Calc quizzes back today. I got an 11/15, which is a C. I was kind of upset because I'd studied for like two hours, but Mark assured me that it was a really good score (apparently better than Hotaru and Vincent, which is a pleasant surprise), so I feel better about it now.

Today in Jazz, Mr. V prompted me to solo, but my mind went completely blank, even though I'd been preparing a melody and bracing myself throughout the entire song. I just couldn't do it. I felt terrible. I dunno. Half the time it's like... I want nothing more than to get this solo down and be able to perform it. The other half of the time I just want to curl up in a ball and quit Jazz. It's hard. sad I'm really not made for this. But I love Jazz music so much, and since I've been given this amazing opportunity, it would be such a shame to waste it. Alex said something the other day that was both amusing and encouraging; he said he'd rather that I be the Jazz I lead alto than Mark, LOL. It was 'cause I had a Stan Getz song in my profile, and we started talking about jazz music and stuff. It made me happy that someone thought it was neat that I love jazz. He even recommended me an album, which I'm excited to look up on iTunes when it works (it's always wonky on my computer).

Speaking of Alex, we've been talking a lot recently, and it's really, really nice. I really like him, despite all his quirks. Well, his quirks make me like him even more, really. At first, I thought he was just a nice guy, but after getting to know him... Man, he's hilarious. And he has this way of looking at life that's just like... I dunno, but it's really interesting to talk to him. I wish I knew girls that I could hook up with him; he wants a girlfriend so badly!

I think it's really interesting like... Some people in high school want to/need to be in relationships so badly, while other people could hardly give a damn. Mark's been absent most of this week, but I've still managed to see him for a few minutes each day. Today, he was finally at school, which made me happy. I suppose it is my fault that he's been absent anyway, though, haha. I keep having cuddling urges, and I'm dying for a kiss, but I have to stop myself. It's hard! sad I hope that we both get better soon. Hopefully after the musical and stuff, he can come over and we can watch some movies or something. happy Today, we walked into the choir room, and someone was like, "Oh, that's Mark's girlfriend!" LOL. I felt special and really privileged. I think I still need to be reminded sometimes; still can't believe it.

Oh, and yesterday, during the SSR meeting, Hotaru and Kelly were begging for people to switch from Lobby/Concessions and Auditions Committees to Public Relations, and like one person switched. I felt really bad for them, so Kell and I switched from Lobby/Concessions to PR. Kelly asked...Kelly (heh) if we could stay on Auditions, though, since we've done Lobby/Concessions already. Kelly was like, "Well, Mark will be doing the final cut for that, so I mean..." and she looked at me and smiled teasingly, and it was like... LOL. I laughed. Kell and I thanked her, hahaha. Ah, connections.

In other news, I can't stop sleeping, WTF. I'm not even like...stressed out like last semester or anything. I mean, my homework load is like...almost heavenly! I mean, I'd still rather have less, but it's doable. But I come home, and I'm so excited to do stuff with all this free time I suddenly have, but then all I do is collapse in bed. It's so frustrating! Yesterday, I slept for 6 hours. FOR NO REASON. It was ridiculous, and I'm still upset about it. What a waste of time. It didn't even make me feel less tired during school or anything--I still slept for an hour during open first today, and I still came home and slept for like three hours. I hate it! At least I started reading This Side of Paradise today. I want to finish all these damn books I have before I go off to college.
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Posted on 02/21/08 by Elaine
17.5th birthday party
So... Back to recapping. I had my birthday party the last weekend of January, and I had a blast. Well, as much of a blast I could have with a runny nose and irritating coughing. Funniest part is that my birthday's in July. Well, I kept having to delay it because nobody was ever free on the same days as anyone else, and then school started and I was just bogged over with stress and homework and studying, and so I decided that I'd just have it in January, during Semester Break, which is the 4-day weekend we get after first semester finals. I'd actually wanted to have a big bash and invite all of my friends (as in not just my closest ones), and I did ask a lot of people, but nobody gave me a certain answer, and so it didn't really work out. How sad. sad But it's okay; it was still a lot of fun. I'm disappointed Mark didn't come, though; he'd been too tired from his rehearsals/concert and it was pretty obvious he didn't really want to come anyway. Oh well, I guess. notsure

So I said it started at 3, but Jayne, Mag, and Diana all came at like 2, haha. But I didn't mind. They amused themselves with decorations while I went through like fifty outfits trying to find something decent to wear. It was pretty sad, haha. Then, there was like a Cooking Mama marathon, which was...amusing, to say the least. Kelly and Erin arrived randomly, and everyone decided they wanted to watch 27 Dresses. There was some confusion since we all knew Amanda really wanted to see it, but she wouldn't meet up with us until later. But she said it was okay for us to go without her, which was nice of her. So we went to go see it, and I'm...a little ashamed to say that I really enjoyed it, haha, chick flick though it was. I shed tears various times (it was filled with OMG HOW SAD moments) and loved the eye-candy. Mmm, James Marsden. Mmm, Malin Akerman. So hot. pirate The story was very cute. I think it's one of my favorite movies now (the list is getting long, haha), and I believe that I will get the DVD when it comes out.

After movies, we walked to CPK for dinner. Di and I got smoothies beforehand, mmm. It was really cool having enough money to treat everyone to everything, haha. I haven't felt so free with money since I stopped working. Too bad it wasn't mine. Boo. Dinner was a shitload of fun; we got a big table in the back of the restaurant and had a blast being obnoxiously loud teenagers. I enjoyed my pasta very much, and the chicken was good. I need to gain that damn weight! We got a bunch of dessert, too, which was freaking delicious. I had some really, really tasty Pecan Caramel Cheesecake... Oh, man. Good stuff. Di and Amanda enjoyed their Red Velvet very much, hahaha.

Oh yeah, during dinner, someone said something, and I started rapping from memory, and it wasn't until I saw that everyone was staring at me in incredulity that I was rapping an Avril Lavigne song. From like 2001. LOL. How embarrassing.

Back at the house... I don't remember what we did, actually, hahaha. I think we just partied and ate and Wiied and then just fooled around in my room. God, my friends are pigs; I spent $70 on groceries just for them, and they finished everything, LOL. Geeez. ...Wow, seriously, I really don't remember what we did. It was only like two/three weeks ago, hrm. Weird. I do remember coughing a lot because I kept getting excited and stuff. And I remember we gossiped after we set up all the blankets and stuff. And I remember that we talked to Christian, Amanda's boyfriend at the time, which was fun. I slept well because I was sick.

The next morning, we all woke up at like 11. Mother bought us bagels and cream cheese, which we had for breakfast, yum. I had lox! God, I love smoked salmon. Mother keeps buying me these delicious packs of it, and I engulf them like crazy. I'm afraid to know how much they cost, though. It can't be cheap. After breakfast, Jayne randomly made fried rice and everyone learned. It bugged me that not every grain of rice was equally saturated in soy sauce. Mother said that that makes me a better cook than Jayne. I think it just makes me a freak. LOL. Eventually, Mag, Kelly, and Erin left, and Di, Jayne, and Amanda stayed. We hung out in the family room and played Wii and went on laptops. We had a great time on MySpace laughing at Woodbridge's WF dresses and other hilarious stuff we found. It was nice. happy

I know it sounds totally boring, but it was actually a ton of fun. I think I'm forgetting a bunch of details, anyway...
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Posted on 02/07/08 by Elaine
a love fulfilled
mood: cheerful ecstatically pleased despite being sick
music: Don't Stop the Music - Rihanna

When we got to Kelly's house for the afterparty (the Petersons made us yummy munchies! I wish I'd eaten more; I was too busy listening to Jayne and Diana gossiping), I texted Mark and told him about how that last kiss in the limo was meant to be on the lips. He said it was okay, "next time". I just about went insane with hope. I wasn't going to just be dismissed? There was actually a possibility of more? I went to sleep very, very happily. happy

The next day, he told me that we were a "something". I turned bright freaking pink at that; I don't know what it was, but I was suddenly bursting with happiness. And this past week has been a blur... On Tuesday, we went to Ralphs after school to get Mrs. Nelson a thank you card, and on the entire way back we held hands. It was...more than lovely. It was so...right. happy And when he left for rehearsal, he kissed me on the cheek. I couldn't keep the smile off of my face after that. We've been hugging each other goodbye and everything, too, and, oh, I seriously can't get enough of him!

And the best part? He asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentine's Day. With an elaborate setup and everything, too. He asked me to get something for him from his locker, and when I went... He'd decorated what must've been an Amazon box or something with blue wrapping paper and then drawn the front of a tux on the cover, white/black/blue like for Formal. There was even glitter! And inside the box was a box of chocolates and a bunch of Cars merchandise. And OMG, inside the chocolate box was the loveliest card...and on the cover, it read, "P.S. Will you be my girlfriend?" OMG, so sweet. I can't stop reading it.

This past week has been utterly amazing, even though we both got sick so all we're doing is hugging, but still--amazing. I feel like I'm in a waking dream. I feel like the gentle way he treats me and all the nice things he says can't be real. I feel like my high school life is complete--I mean, this crush goes back to like...freshman year. Man, if somebody told me back then that I would eventually date Mark, I would've thought that they were crazy; there's no way he'd waste his time on me. But here we are, and...he's so happy with it, too, and it warms my heart and makes me even happier.

Haha, I'm a little embarrassed... For once, I don't really know how to put what I'm feeling into words. I dunno, I just... I never honestly thought that this would happen. I was just gonna kiss him on Graduation Day, but now I can kiss him a thousand times before Graduation, and... Oh! Just so incredibly happy!

We were talking yesterday, and he mentioned how it was interesting that things between us are pretty much the same--except not. And yeah, I noticed that too, and I dunno, I like it. It's more of what I've always wanted of a relationship... You know, just...best friends, but more. It's nice that this is something new, but not like...so new it's a jarring change to our lives. And it's nice that we're not super lovey dovey or obsessed with each other or sexual bunnies or anything, but we're both just really happy with each other. I dunno. I feel really good about this. I mean, I know that's what you usually feel when it's only been a week, but, still. I feel really good about it. And since Mark is so busy, I think it won't be that bad maintaining a balance between him and my friends. I'm sure they'll gossip and talk about it anyway because they're always paranoid (or not expecting very much of me; I'm not sure which it is) like that, but I'll deal with it when it really becomes an issue.

So... Yeah. It feels pretty damn good being happy. ♥
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Posted on 02/19/08 by Elaine
winter formal '08 pics
We all looked rather glamorous, I must say. :D


Trading our pretty flowers! Mrs. Nelson did a great job making them.




Adam, Jayne, Diana, Maggie, Amanda, Kelly, Erin, me, and Mark.


Blues!


Amphitheater Kids!


Me & Kell!








WoW! Hahaha. This one cracks me up.




All of the girls in the limo minus Michelle, I think.


Elaine and Elaine! She was so daring with the gold, hahaha.


This picture is awesome. Check out the reflection in the limo windows...


Because Mark is a dork and I found it hilarious.


Suffice to say, I think we were both pretty happy by the end of the night. :) ♥
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Posted on 02/17/08 by Elaine
winter formal '08
mood: exuberantly ecstatically happy
music: Bubbly - Colbie Caillat

In short, this has been the best weekend of my life. It's been two days since my senior Winter Formal, and I'm trying to get homework done so that I haven't wasted my weekend away looking at WF pics. But I can't concentrate. My heart is fit to burst.

So let's start from the very, very beginning... So my morning was pretty stressful: got my hair done at Heaven w/ Kell, and we got lunch at Thai Spice, which was cool, even though neither of us were very hungry, haha (we had a nice chat, though). But when I went home, I decided I didn't like my hair because it didn't end up the way that I wanted since my hair is shorter than I thought it was, so it didn't curl the way that I'd expected. Which made my makeup (which I decided to do myself this year) seem fucked up, too, which was bad news. I almost cried. sad My friends had all these problems about their makeup appointments and stuff, and they called me, which stressed me out more, and blegh... Diana couldn't find Nordstrom and needed me there with her, Mag went to the wrong mall, Jayne had to buy products that she couldn't pay for... Aah! In the end, Mother fixed my hair, and it was...decent. Was already half an hour late, so was just like... Oh, well. I liked it in the end, anyway; it was different from everyone else's but still nice. happy

Picked up Mark (my date! ♥), who looked at me for a moment before declaring, "Whoa, nice dress," yay! Drove to Kelly's, where everyone declared that we looked really good together and that I had nothing to worry about regarding how I looked, phew. After Di arrived (last, of course), the picture-taking began. After putting on Mark's & my corsage/boutonnière (actually, Wendy had to put on Mark's because the needle freaks me out, hehe). Our pics turned out really great! We all look damn hot. dorkygrin

After pics, we piled up to go to school for couple/group pics. Met with the other people of our group and just hung around waiting for everyone to arrive and stuff. Mark kept freaking out because his ear kept turning red so he didn't want it like that in the couple picture, hahaha. Before/after the group pic, we had a lot of fun making fun of ugly dresses, hehe. Some people looked ridiculous! Girls are crazy. Afterwards, went to our Black H2 Hummer limo and spent like the next hour signing the contract. When we finally finished, we piled up into the limo (22 people in an 18-person vehicle; it was pretty kickass) and we all had a lot of fun singing to Amanda's awesome mix CD.

Got to BJ's and had dinner, which was fun. Had a bowl of clam chowder, which made everyone freak out because it was small, but I was very filled by the end of the meal. Jayne/Adam/Mark made an announcement to the table that they'd eat anyone's leftovers, LOL. And they sure did, hahaha. Mark and I had a good time talking to both each other and to everyone else and practiced our fake laughs while Jeopardy played in the background, hehe. Oh, there was this big table next to ours of like two dozen girls celebrating someone's birthday, so when their cake came out and they cheered really loudly, we all joined them, LOL. I love being an obnoxious teenager. And then for dessert, we ordered 3 large Pizookies... And the Amphitheater table finished first, LOL. It was fucking delicious! Mmmm.

Mark wanted to pay for dinner, which was really sweet of him, but since the bill ended up being $16/person, I refused to let him. After some protest, he gave in, and we paid separately, for which I was very, very glad. Oh, yeah, during dinner, a dog came behind us, and I fraeked a little, and he said, "Don't worry, I'll protect it from you." HAHA. We had a good laugh about that. And then his phobia about the Sears brothers... LOL. He was afraid Patrick would follow him around all night, but I assured him that I'd pretend to be really clingy and annoying, hahaha.

Sang more songs on the ride to the dance place, yay. When we arrived in Yorba Linda, we kept asking, "Is this it? Is this it?" to everything. Once, we were like, "Is this it?! OMG! ...Oh, it's a hospital." LOL. Whoops. Arrived at the place, which was nice and big (heh). Explored for a while, since the dance floor was deserted. Mark and Adam played DDR, and then we explored some more. Then, Adam and Jayne played pool for a bit while Mark and I floated towards DDR again, where I hugged Charlie happily and he challenged Mark to a match. Mark pwned even though Charlie knew the song, haha. It was pretty awesome.

After we checked his coat in, we headed for the dance floor, and danced for a bit before I started teetering in my heels for some reason (I seriously was having trouble standing up/walking), so we went to exchange them for my flip-flops. Then, we went to explore more, and found Mag, Kell, and Erin in line for the horse carriage rides. Figured we'd hitch a ride with them, so we sat on nearby armchairs and waited with them while talking and stuff. Socialized a bit (well, Mark did, anyway), and then he taught me how to do this swing dance move. I was really pathetically bad, and he said I sucked, but it was fun anyway. Finally, it was our turn on the horse carriage thing, and Jayne and Adam joined us last minute. It was nice for cuddling (red blankets!), but it smelled bad, haha. We were just riding around the parking lot when the driver guys were like, "Oh hey, look, they're choosing the king and queen" as we passed by a big window to the dance floor. LOL. Since Mark was on WF Court, he was supposed to be in there... So we ran out of the carriage and he joined the Court at the front of the room right when they announced the winners, hahaha. After Sarah and Ryan were declared Queen/King, Mark took pics with Court and ASB while I waited for him.

Then, we went back to the carriage line room, where this guy was doing caricatures; Mark wanted to do it, so we waited in line for them. Everyone joined us and we were just chilling and stuff; Mag even got me the last white-chocolate covered strawberry. I love Maggie! dorkygrin After waiting for a while, we decided it wasn't worth it. Mark, Adam, Mag, and Erin played a game of foosball, and then we all converged back onto the dance floor, haha. (To which Amanda, Diana, and Jayne all said, "Finally!" Okay, I thought it a little, too. tongue)

Oh man, dancing... Definitely the highlight of the evening. Mark and I freaked. Yup, Mark actually freaked--and with me! OMFG. It was hot. He had his hands on my shoulders most of the time (he put them around my waist for one song, though) and I had a helluva fun time grinding up against him, even though we weren't very in sync until the last 15 min or so when we just melded. It was probably the most fun I've ever had dancing, hehe. I'm glad it was with him. happy We switched from front/back to side/front every so often, which was hot because I got to wrap my arms around him and he had his arms around me and I was grinding on his leg, and... Intimacy = happy Elaine.

When the slow song came on (Colbie Caillat's Bubbly), I didn't hesistate to just wrap my arms around his neck. It was both sweet and funny because we just kept laughing/being grossed out by Hotaru and Vincent totally making out. So we rotated a lot to trade off the disturbing image, hahaha. But I pressed my head to his chest (god, the feeling of a guy's chest is amazing), and he pressed his cheek to mine, and... It was such a beautiful moment of serenity. ♥ ♥ ♥ When the song ended, I kissed him on the cheek. happy

Oh yeah, and one of the most memorable moments of the night... The DJ announced how much time there was left, and Mark was like, "Wow, time passes by so quickly when you're having fun," and I smiled and leaned into him and said, "You're having fun? I'm glad," and he... He swooped down and kissed me on the cheek!!!!! OMG! I can't stop replaying that moment in my head.

When we walked out of the community center that night, we were holding hands, and I was wearing his coat. happy Mag and I spent like 5 minutes arguing in whispers about when I should pull him aside and tell him that I like him--while he, Adam, and Jayne beatboxed, haha. So as everyone was going to the limo, I asked him if we could talk, and he said we should in the limo. Walked hand in hand to the limo and cuddled on the ride home with my hand in his lap and our bodies close together. He prompted me to say what I wanted to say, but AAAH I couldn't say it. Totally freaking lost my nerve. He kept trying to encourage me to say it, but I was just too shy... In the end, I finally did it--except he didn't hear it the first time, LOL, so I had to freaking repeat it: "I know you probably already know, but I just wanted you to hear it from me... I really, really like you, and I want you to know that I'm not gonna let anything Jayne says or does or anything get between us." Guess what he said? "Okay." HAHAHA. I wanted to burst out laughing; it was so anticlimactic. But better than rejection, hahaha. We cuddled more for the rest of the trip, and for all I knew nothing had changed between us, but...

When he left (he had to get a ride from Nina), I kissed him--and I meant for it to be on the lips, but I missed, HAHAHA. Epic fail. But I don't care because he kissed me back on the cheek right after! Two kisses in one night... Oh man! I was so happy.

On the whole, how was Winter Formal 2008? An utter blast. One of the best nights of my life, for sure. All of my friends had fun (even Erin, who hates dances but is forced to go to them anyway because her mom makes her), I had a great time, my date had a great time... It was interesting, like... This year seemed a lot less "magical", but more perfect. I know that doesn't sound like it makes much sense, but last year was like... I was just so in shock that he'd asked me, still, you know? But this year, Mark and I have come so far, and going together just seemed...natural, somehow, and everything that night was just...right. In a beautiful way. The way we kissed each other, the way my hand found his, the way we laughed together, the way we danced together... It felt like everything was how it was supposed to be. I won't forget that night for a very, very long time. ♥

And things get even better! But you'll have to wait until the next installment for that splendiferous news... dorkygrin
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Posted on 02/17/08 by Elaine
together
It's amazing feeling like a part of something again.

Really long, sappy entry coming up soon. happy
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Posted on 02/12/08 by Elaine
friendship is fickle
mood: confused cloudy but excited
music: Unfaithful - Rihanna

i don't want to do this anymore
i don't want to be the reason why


Tides are turning and friendships are changing, and I feel so powerless, and yet so powerful.

Today, I argued with Diana in front of all of my friends, whether they heard or understood or not. She lectured me about reining in my "pets", and gave me the example of two other girls who she observed exerting control and dominance over their boyfriends/friends. I told her that I am doing my best, and that I don't want to be that cruel. Obviously, disagreement ensued. She won't stop bringing up the fact that Jayne and I shared a blanket when we were watching a movie at Di's house on Saturday with Di and Amanda. She is right; I could have kept a larger distance between Jayne and me. But that would mean a sore neck--which is a stupid excuse, but it is the truth. Hah. I never learn, do I? Diana was so mad at me, and she still is, and she is right to be. I feel so guilty.

Things with Jayne get progressively worse every day as the gulch between us grows ever wider. We've had numerous discussions about it, but they only seem to make things worse, not better. Everything about me seems to prompt her to provide critique, but every way she acts towards me seems to create more and more annoyance and spite within me. Oh, things have gone bad indeed, and I think we both finally believe that we are fucked up--which everyone has been telling us for ages. Diana says I need to stop saying that I don't regret going out with her and that I need to start regretting it, because it would be the right thing to do. I don't know. Sometimes I am spiteful and agree with some of my confidants that I have no reason to treat her kindly if she continues abusing me. Sometimes I pity her pathetic state and try to do things to make her happy because she is still one of my best friends and I try my hardest to make sure my friends are happy. Sometimes I try to act like nothing is out of the ordinary, try to pretend that things are just as they were, say, six months ago. But they aren't.

A while ago, we were stuck in a similar predicament. I followed my friends' advice and tried to push her as far away from me as possible, seeing as she was clinging harder than ever after the breakup. Instead of accomplishing distance, all I accomplished was making the two of us miserable. Today, the situation is slightly different: I am not miserable. Any misery I feel is overshadowed by extreme exasperation. What is it that bugs me the most: that sometimes I feel like I'm the most important thing in her life? That she makes a bunch of false assumptions and then blames me for things that I'm not guilty of? That she is so insecure and needing so much assurance that I am tired of giving? That she is still not over me after two years since I told her our relationship was not going to go on? I don't know. But whatever it is, it gets to me every time we argue, which is really fucking often nowadays.

Thank god that I am as close to my other friends as ever. Amanda and I, especially, are growing significantly closer. She tells me a lot about her feelings and what happens in her life now, and I try my best to offer her advice and to support her in every way that I can. While our similarities may be shallow and hardly deeper than a love for a genre of music or a disdain of ugly outfits, we do get along well, and she's grown up a lot--as have I. I give her rides home almost daily now, and we have open first together, and it's just very nice. I'm glad that I got a chance to be close to her before high school ended.

I still miss talking to Kelly and Erin a lot; I feel like I've hardly gotten the chance to this year. We don't get out at the same times, and lunch and break are always too hectic and full of laughter to just talk. Boo. But I'm glad Mag and I are still talking (it's easier because she's online a lot nowadays; I'm glad) regularly, and that Diana and I and Mark and I are as close as ever. Sure, we're not growing exponentially closer like we were last semester, but I feel them with me every hour of the day; and that I know that they support me even when I feel like I'm failing in everything lifts a tremendous weight from my shoulders.

Things keep changing, and they will continue to do so. I will continue to forge a path for myself and the people that I love, but alas: sometimes, things just are meant to be--or they are not.

It felt good to get this out, even if it's merely the tip of the iceberg of my recent feelings. It's these times that I'm reminded of why I blog.

In happier news, Winter Formal is in only four days, and I am beyond excited.
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Posted on 02/03/08 by Elaine
finals and south coast
Finals were...okay. I studied very hard. Even went to Kelly's for Physics study session with her and Diana. That was enjoyable, and really helpful. They helped me work out like all the test problems, haha. I felt really stupid, though; they're so good at understanding concepts... Sigh. Sadly, the test that I received a 48% on was Kelly's best: a whopping 104%. Talk about feeling a failure, haha; my score was less than half of hers. Oh, man. Anyway, we had a good time figuring stuff out while eating and drinking a ton of the Petersons' good food. And then for dinner, we got to make our own pizzas with a bunch of awesome toppings. It was really fun and really, really yummy.

We got to make a cheat card to use during the test, so I crammed in every single type of problem that we'd ever been tested on onto the 5" x 8" index card, hahaha. It was almost fun. But damn, am I glad that I did it, because I would've failed the final without it. But instead, I got a freaking 82%! Usually that would be like a failing grade to me, but after this horrible year of getting tons of D's and F's... Hearing that was...absolutely splenderific. I'm so fucking proud of myself. It got me a solid C in the class, too. A SOLID C! I was expecting a D+. I'm so happy! (I never thought I'd ever say that about anything lower than an A-...)

Studied hard for Calc, too--even skipped Jazz the morning after just so I'd be rested and awake for the test--but I got a depressing 58% on it, and just barely passed the class with a C- (70.5%, yikes!). How the hell I ended up doing better in Physics than in Calculus I will never know. I guess I'm just happy that I passed, though. But it's kinda scary that I just barely passed when I'm continuing the class this semester, and it's going to be a lot harder. Lovely.

Did well on my Orch final, too. Mr. V said that he wished that he had recordings of each of my years in Orch to show me how much I've improved since Freshman year. That was really heartwarming. happy

After the second day of finals, Di, Jayne, and I bought some food from Ralphs and ate at Jayne's place. Talked to Kayla and stuff, which was cool. Left after I ate to go home and do something productive while Di stayed to tutor Kayla. And then after the last day of finals, Di, Jayne, and I bought some more Ralphs food and hung out at Jayne's again. After like an hour or so, Erin and Amanda got let out of class early and joined us, and we all just chilled for a while. It was a lot of fun; we didn't even really do anything, just lay around Jayne's room and talked and laughed and had a lot of fun. It was pretty cool. At one, Erin and Jayne went to rehearsal for the school musical, so Di, Amanda, and I went to Quiznos and Seattle's Best. Then, we walked to my house and just hung out for a while. That was nice, too.

At 3, Jayne and Erin got dropped off at my place and then Amanda's mom drove us to South Coast for some more dress/shoe shopping. Shopping was pretty exhausting; we had to walk to Nordstrom Rack and then back, and it was raining, and we were hungry and our feet hurt, and we were just tired in general. But Jayne found a pretty dress, and Diana found a pretty new dress (she thought the one we bought with her before was too "cheap" sneer), and Amanda found some shoes that she liked. Had tasty Ruby's (mmm, fried shrimp and fish and chips and Cajun fries) for dinner, and the food put us all in a better mood, haha.








The dresses that I tried on made me feel really gross. They were size 3, and yet they were extremely baggy on me. Size fucking 3. Jesus Christ, I hate being so skinny. It's not practical, it's not attractive, and it's not even my freaking fault. ARGH!






You can't see it, but Jayne had groped Amanda's boob for the picture. Man, that was a hoot.
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Posted on 01/30/08 by Elaine
sunday morning dreams
The note read, "Everyone knows we're practically together, so let's just be a couple," and I never wanted to wake up.
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Posted on 02/03/08 by Elaine