Everyone places too much on my shoulders.

The limit of Elaine is not infinity.

I feel like everything I do is wrong.

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I'm so weak.

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mood: dreading college but happy about everything else
music: 4 Minutes - Madonna

On the Friday that we got out of school for Spring Break, Mag, Amanda, and I walked to Denny's during fourth and had a yummy lunch. Mag trampled through a big patch of mud and got her flip flops drenched in mud, ewww. She was dangling her feet in the restaurant when the waitress came over and told her she had to put her shoes on or she couldn't eat there. After that pronouncement, the three of sat silently in incredulity before bursting out into laughter at how ridiculous the situation was. Was there really so little business in the restaurant that the lady had time to look at Mag's freaking feet? LOL. Anyway, had my usual waffle platter, which was yummy. After a fun lunch (at the end, Jayne came and had all our leftovers, LOL), we walked to Mochilato and chilled while we waited for Kelly and Erin (who were at Super Mex) to join us. When they did, we ordered our chilled delights (hehe) and enjoyed them together. After we finished eating, we played card games and had a blast. It felt so good. Like...so incredibly good, I don't know. We were all laughing so hard and being so loud and enthusiastic and excited and it was... It was great. I felt so included and in my element and I dunno, we hadn't all hung out since Amanda's birthday (although Jayne wasn't there for that), and I dunno, it just felt really good. I remember pausing and just being like, "God, I love this," to myself. It was great. After a while, we decided to go to Jayne's house to play Rock Band and Brawl. I was abysmal at the drums as usual, so they put me on vocals, hahaha. Unfortunately, I had to leave earlier than I'd expected because Amanda was giving me a ride so that I could give her her birthday present which I'd forgotten at home, and she was going home early. I was sad. But also just glad that I'd gotten that much fun out of break already.

















At home, lounged around for a while and then went through like 500 different outfits for Sadies that night. Finally, Jayne helped me settle on one (yellow tube, white shorts, yellow bead necklace). At like eight, Mark gave me a ride to the dance, where I had a great time. We found a random empty locker and I put a lock on it for the night so that we could put all our stuff in there, haha. Oh, but before that, I was dress-coded at the entrance because I was wearing a tube. God, it wasn't even like I was wearing a strapless bra or anything, but noooooo. The lady was like, "You're not allowed to wear this to school normally, so you can't wear it to this" and I was like WOW, that is bullshit; plenty of people wear tubes around school. How freaking stupid. I was so fucking mad; it pisses me off so much when they restrict shit like that. So I had to wear my fucking jacket all night. If I'd known they would pull something like that, I would've just worn my damn cardigan and it would've actually looked okay. Instead, I just looked like a freaking idiot. At least other people got scolded, too. But ugh, it pisses me off so much.

Mark got frustrated that I was mad and snapped at me, which just made me feel really small and teary, but I shut up after that. Except for when I bitched to Jayne and Amanda about it (the dress code). Asked Amanda where the ties were (I'd left Mark's bag of ties in her car and she'd said that she'd bring them) and she said that she'd forgotten, so she called her mom and asked her to bring them to us, which was nice of her. Before that, though, I said, "At least I think they're on your car... I couldn't find them at home, and they weren't at your place, right, Jayne?" and the tension after that sentence was thick enough to be cut with a knife. I could just feel Mark getting upset, so I told him "Don't worry, everyone was there," but he was still unhappy, so I was kind of annoyed and just like whatever. Spent the rest of the night with him, anyway, which I don't think Jayne and Amanda were very happy about, but... I don't really know what to do with that.

We danced a lot, and very closely, and I was really really happy about it. The whole time, he had this look in his eyes that was just so amazing and like...full of adoration and love and I don't know, I felt so special. It was lovely. Later that night, he said, "So this is what it's like to have a real date..." and I felt so fulfilled like... It was our first dance together as a couple, which was what I've been dreaming of since forever, yeah? Kinda funny thinking back and realizing that half the dances I've attended in high school, Mark's been my date. Makes me happy, kinda like. Everything was leading up to this, yeah?

OH! We got tapped on the floor for kissing, HAHA. At first it was just a small kiss and then it was really good and just kept going and... LOL. Next thing we know, the vice principal is tapping us and we have to pull apart, hahaha. It was hilarious. It's kind of ridiculous how many times I've gotten in trouble for anything at school dances... Next they're going to catch me naked or something, I swear. (The kiss was damn good, though, LOL.)





Saturday morning, got up bright and early for work (subbing for Jayne, who's in NorCal), which was...okay. Texted a lot, which I shouldn't actually be doing, but hey, I'm not even really employed, right? LOL, I'm terrible. But it can get pretty dull. Had fun making drinks, though. At two, when I got off, Mark, his sister, and his cousin came to pick me up, and after I gave them some free treats, we went grocery shopping. Mark bought ten bags of Goldfish, LOL. They were on sale for $0.50 a bag, so yeah. It looked pretty ridiculous though, hahaha. After Ralphs, they dropped Mark and me off at my house, where we finished Brawl (!!!), which was exciting. At like seven, his mom picked us up and took us to his relatives' house, to a dinner that his cousin Nick had very kindly invited me to. Met his family and stuff, which was very quaint. Dinner consisted of a variety of things, luckily most of which I could eat. After dinner, sat with Mark while he played the piano and even helped him out a little when he was trying to figure out this song his mom was singing, haha. Felt like a useful girlfriend. After a while, he got bored and we went to play Brawl, which lasted for the rest of the night. There was drama when his cousins started arguing and stuff, which was kind of awkward, but I'm good in those situations so it wasn't too big of a deal. Mark said it happened every time they had any family gathering. His family is very confrontational. Reminded me of my relatives and how everything is so secretive and behind closed doors and behind everyone's doors. It's interesting. Sad, but interesting. Later, Mark said that he would've been miserable if I hadn't been there, so I'm really glad that I could be there for him. I dunno. I try so hard to help him, but there's usually nothing I can do except for just be there for him, so I'm glad that I was able to be there for him when he needed it.

We wanted to hang out on Sunday, but his mom wouldn't let him, boo. But we did get to hang out on Tuesday for pretty much the whole day. He got dropped off at my house at noon and then Mom dropped us off at Crossroads, where we used her gift certificates to get some sashimi at Sagami, yum. Lunch was fun; we were mushy and flirty and I dunno, it was fun, and I think we both felt pretty good. He told me that I was his perfect girlfriend and then proceeded to tell me why. It was the sweetest thing ever, especially from Mark. I smiled a lot. After lunch, we went to get smoothies, and on the walk there, I implied that I thought he was really poor, and I felt horrible when he was clearly affected. Argh, when I get too comfortable with someone, my mouth runs ahead of my mind, which always gets me in trouble. You wouldn't think that I of all people would have that problem... Blegh.

After Tropical Smoothie, we went to Target, where I had to buy some random stuff like face wipes and eyeliner that I’d been needing to purchase for like weeks. I was comparing prices and what was worth it and stuff, and Mark said that it was why he was dating me, since I’m “loaded” but I still understand the value of money and don’t just throw it around and stuff. It made me happy; the other day, he’d told me that he likes that while I have the money, I am still down-to-earth, which is…well, rare, especially in this city. It’s something that I’ve always been really, really proud of. Half of it is due to my personality, and the other half is due to like… I started working during the summer after eighth grade, and from then on, my parents stopped giving me money. If you come from a wealthy family, you really can’t understand the value of money until the only money you have to spend is the money that you earn yourself. (This is why my uncle is so messed up; he essentially failed at life regarding employment and now lives very comfortably off of his inheritance from my grandmother and is very, very greedy about money. It really pisses me off.) Otherwise, you never learn to be thrifty. I always find it really interesting that like…well, most of my friends are pretty well-off, and when money comes up, it always astounds me how ignorant they can be. Most obvious example is last year’s Winter Formal drama, when everyone kept insisting that Mark go in the limo and kept whining about how he wasn’t paying for me and stupid things like that. I still remember very clearly Kelly and Maggie asking, “Can’t his parents pay for him?” And it was just like… WOW. Ahem, must not go on a tangent about things that are over. But yeah. Another thing is like… Whenever we go out and I don’t have money for food or something, Kelly is always gets so upset about it and just keeps asking me, “I don’t understand; why don’t your parents give you money?” and then goes on about how it’s FOOD and how it’s their responsibility to raise me and feed me and stuff. It’s very hilarious most of the time, but sometimes, it can be really disquieting.

Anyway. After Target, we walked to Albertsons to buy olives for dinner. …As in, olives were an ingredient for dinner, not like…the only thing we were going to eat, hahaha. Then, we walked back to Target and Mother picked us up. At home, we played Brawl some more and then hung out in my room for a while. I guess we were both pretty tired so we took a nap together, and it felt…lovely, falling asleep with Mark and then waking up next to him. I felt so warm and protected and just… It was lovely. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so connected to another human being. <3

Woke up around dinnertime and went downstairs to cook dinner together, which was fun. I love juts doing like…everyday things with him. Everything just seems a thousand times more special when he’s there. Heh. Anyway, we made Lemon-Basil something spaghetti for dinner and there was sour cream and cheese and all this stuff that I like. It was tasty and pretty cool. We also put mashed potatoes on the side and Jess tried to bake us sugar cookies, but they turned out really burnt, which was weird since usually hers are really good. Eating the meal made me happy in the dorkiest way; it sounds really stupid, but it tasted even better to me because it was made with love and cooperation. Yay.









And then on Wednesday, I went to visit UCLA with my mom, who got all excited about it, which was weird but kinda cute, I guess. The school was pretty cool; I could definitely see myself going there. Mom kept wanting to take pictures, but I felt stupid, hahaha. Oh, well. It was interesting to see the student population and like the diversity and stuff. At the end of our visit, we went to the UCLA store and I bought a flat bottle of Squirt (blegh! But luckily Jess drank it later, haha) and two stuffed animals, a sheepy for Jayne and a really cute duck for me. Then, we went to Rowland Heights and checked out this place where I wanted to get something for Jayne, but then it was too expensive, ugh. So we decided to go to dinner at the teppan restaurant there that’s really good, that we’ve been going to for like…fifteen years or something, hahaha. Had shrimp and calamari and fish and fried rice and yum! Father came along, which was cool. I got a taste of being an only child though, since Jess wasn’t there. It felt kind of weird and I felt like…lonely, kind of? Not to the point where I’m like AW BOO since I was like texting and stuff, but like… I just felt like…weirdly isolated from my parents. Which was really interesting. So yeah.

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Feeling helpless is very exhausting.

I am praying every night for him.

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So many mistakes

and so many regrets.

If only I'd...

If only.

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mood: floaty
music: Sexy Can I - Ray J

So on Tuesday the 1st, stayed after school for Benefit Concert auditions. They were enjoyable and definitely interesting. A lot of the stuff really wasn't impressive, but a lot of the stuff was really good, too. I think I enjoyed Alex and Denice's numbers the most. Ooh, and Mureed and Yazeed were amazing; they did an amazing arrangement of Bailamos! I love that song! :D The lineup is going to be amazing, though; I'm really excited! Especially when everyone's had more time to practice... Eee, it's gonna be great, and I'm making my mom go this year. I think she'll like it a lot and be really impressed that Mark organized a lot of it, hehe.

On Wednesday, went with Mark to the doctor's to check out his cold. Stayed in the waiting room and watched these two kids for a while and was amused. Realized, who am I kidding, I am so going to have kids. It was a kind of startling realization. And then the nurse called Jayne's brother's name, and I was like HUH?! And looked up and there was Ryan and Jayne's mom, hahhaa. I called Ryan's name and then said hi to them. It was kind of awkward, since I know her mom's not exactly happy that Jayne's still friends with me. Later, Jayne told me that Mark's doctor is her mom's gynecologist. LOL! Anyway, after the appointment, we went to Taco Factory and I had my first taco--a fish taco, anyway. It was okay; the fish was pretty good. We ate at Mark's mom's work and I got to button Mark's cuffs for him when he changed into his tux, which made me feel like a hardcore girlfriend--or a domestic housewife, either one.

Then, we drove to this church in Newport Beach where the choir spring concert was gonna be. Call time was like an hour or so before the actual performance, so I was stuck outside for a while. And it was FREEZING, OMG. Luckily, Mark had given me his jacket earlier so I hid beneath that, but I didn't want to wear it and be the creepy girl in a big jacket sitting on the bench in front of the church, LOL. Called Jayne and we talked for a while, before Mark's mom joined me and we waited in the lobby together for the doors to open up. The concert was very enjoyable, as usual, although I was really tired. Poor Mark was really sick and I amused myself with listening closely and deciphering whether or not he was singing in certain songs, hahah. Also checked everyone out and wondered if hotness determines vocal talent, because all the ugliest people were in the lowest choirs, and all the hottest were in Singers, hahah. Gave Mark a big hug when he was done, and it made me so happy that he... I dunno, in the past, it always just seemed like... I was just another person attending a choir concert who congratulated him on a job well done, and that was all. We'd always go say hi and tell him good job and then he'd go off and that'd be it, and I always felt like... I dunno, I went to those just for him, you know? I dunno. It just felt good that like... After I gave him a big hug and told him he did great and stuff, he took my hand and sat us down on a pew and we just talked while his mom socialized. I felt, I dunno. Appreciated, somehow.

On Thursday, stayed after school to help the SSR leaders do the Benefit Concert lineup and stuff, which was pretty interesting. It felt good to contribute ideas and opinions and stuff and have people actually care and consider them. After we finished, Mom dropped Mark and me off at Mark's house, where we chilled for a while until his mom came home and took us to Ruby's for the SSR fundraiser dinner thing. Socialized with the crew and the Petersons after I ordered. Unfortunately, it just got to more college talk, which I was none too pleased about, but I smiled and talked about annoying decisions anyway. After the food came, rejoined Mark and his mom and had yummy Cajun fries and fried fish and shrimp, yay!

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It's overcast and chilly. The gray skies seem to my mood. I wish it were sunny.

I want to vomit.

---

MARCH 29

I just woke up from eleven hours of sleep--the first really long period of sleep that I've had for a long time. That's good, I think.

I don't know what to do about Jayne.

Thursday afternoon, she stomped out of the band room after kicking me out of her locker. It was really random, and I still can't really figure out why she did that. There must be something I'm missing. The next day, we didn't speak a word to each other, even all through Orchestra, where we're stand partners. It was easy to put up an I-Could-Care-Less front, but I felt pretty unhappy--even if that unhappiness was mixed with a bit of relief about not arguing with her. That night, at the Jazz concert, we retained our distance/silence. We were Jazz I's audience for a while, and I wanted so badly to go sit next to her, but she looked so angry; I was terrified that she'd beat me up if I went near her. I took like 5 minutes picking a seat, switching like 5 times, while trying really hard not to cry before my own performance. I felt so lonely and dead inside, even though my boyfriend was fifteen feet away on stage and one of my best friends was sitting ten feet behind me. It was horrible, and I was flooded with self-deprecating feelings. During and after the concert, I tried to forget about them so that I could comfort Mark about Stanford. It worked for a while.

---

APRIL 1

I woke up at noon on Saturday feeling terrible. But not just terrible--terribly alone. Spent pretty much the entire day waiting for Mark to come over and getting ready, which is pretty pathetic, really, but it was something to think about that wasn't linked to despair. Invited Jayne to play WoW with me; figured it would be something that we could do together while maintaining a safe distance. I was trying to show her that I didn't want to lose her, I guess. We played. Not together, but we were on at the same time. She said a lot of mean things. I think she was letting her mouth go because she'd disowned me. I refuted things calmly, but then she said that I need to change myself before I lose more friends. That was unacceptable. I logged off.

Mark and I had a good time, and I tried my hardest not to talk about Jayne at all. I was happy for the seven and a half hours that I was with him. Blissfully happy. It felt good. Really good. When I got home after dropping him off, I decided to give up on Jayne. That friend remark was really mean. And untrue, too. I told Mark this. Which was probably one of the stupidest things I've ever done, because I got his hopes up. And that felt good, you know? It felt good making my boyfriend happy. It felt good to relieve him of stress that'd been biting at him for so long.

It felt good until the next morning, when it felt like a wild animal was clawing at my heart, destroying it, sliver by sliver.

We talked that night. Jayne and I. Well. Argued. The usual. We both said some things that we've been holding back for a long time. It didn't fix anything; in fact, it made things worse. But she revealed that she was hurt because I had missed both Mr. V's soccer game and Kayla's lacrosse game, where I was supposed to meet her stepmom.

I'd completely forgotten. I felt pretty shitty after that, but not enough to be apologetic, because the way she was going about telling me about it was... Well, she basically told me why I'm far from a good friend, and listed a bunch of things that I'm apparently supposed to do. I was really exasperated. It reminded me of when I broke up with her. She wanted me to call her, IM her, spend time with her, ask her about her day, all this stuff. And the problem isn't so much that she wants these things--they are usually nice things to receive from friends. But it's the expectance that gets to me--the quick, illogical conclusion that if I don't do these things for her, then I'm not a good friend; then, I'm not worthy. I was exasperated. I told Mark so, and he was supportive. Obviously. They're right: all I do is lead people on.

It felt right until the next morning, when I felt absolutely miserable.

I moped around all morning. Tired of moping, I decided to do something about it. I wanted to invite Jayne over to watch chick flicks after work. It was something we could do together that didn't really require us to talk or be close together or work together or anything. We could just sit on separate couches and stare at the screen and laugh and cry and maybe make random comments. It sounded great in my head.

I texted Mark and told him about how miserable I felt about Jayne and then asked him how hard he would hit me if I had her over to watch a movie. He said he'd get really pissed and bitch to all his choir friends. About what a pushover I am. I told him that if I were really a pushover, I wouldn't have asked him in the first place. And I'd been gathering my courage for weeks, too. I told him I was trying really hard to compromise with him.

Really distraught, I was really relieved when Diana called. Told her about everything, and it didn't help as much as I'd hoped that it would, but the support was something. Asked Mark if he'd feel better about me having Jayne over if Diana was there too, and he said it'd be fine but whatever, because it wasn't like I had to get his blessing to do whatever I want to do. Which is just a passive-aggressive way of saying that I do. Which I told him. He replied that he was just in disbelief about me caving in after last night, and he said that he'd overestimated my ability to hold my ground.

That was really mean. Really, really mean, and I was really hurt. It wasn't a good feeling.

We talked online about it. I don't even remember what was said, because I was so upset about whatever it was that I refused to read it over. It was probably the first time in forever that I hadn't re-read a million times some conversation that Mark and I had. I cried for over an hour. Maybe more. Maybe less. I don't remember. At one point, I was bawling and screaming so loud that my body started to numb up. It started from my stomach and then stemmed to my arms and fingers and legs and feet. I couldn't move them. I was scared. I was shaking a lot, too. I didn't want to tell anyone, especially not Mark and Jayne, because I was afraid they would think that I was exaggerating to get them to feel sorry for me or something, but I ended up telling them anyway, because I didn't want to die without having talked to them. I was afraid that I would have a seizure. Mark kept telling me to just breathe, but it was hard. I've never been good at fighting sobs, and I had a hard time just getting the air to flow through my lungs. Jayne wanted to come over, and I think I kind of needed it (only kind of; because part of me is too independent to ever depend on another person like that; it makes me feel weak), but I knew that things would only be worse if she did, and that would just cause myself more pain, which would be a pointless circle. I was fine after a while anyway.

Mark was nicer after that episode. Well. I think he was just holding himself back. Which isn't really any more comforting. He told me that he loved me. Which just made me cry harder, really.

The rest of the day is a blur to me. I asked Jayne to Skype with me, because I needed it desperately. She assented, for which I am thankful for. We didn't really talk that much; it was just...comforting to have somebody there, watching me and taking care of me, in a way. I was really ugly and my eyes were all swollen and my hair was all messy. It was pretty gross. But she was nice about it anyway, and she tried to make me smile. It worked a few times. Other times, I just burst into tears again. It embarrasses me that that's the second time I've cried on webcam. She was really tired, I could tell, but she stayed up for me. That was nice of her. I still felt pretty shitty, though.

I don't remember what conclusion Mark and I drew that night. I think we told each other that we loved each other and said good night. We were both very tired, in a lot of ways. I felt very alone.

He was sick the next day, so he went home after TA. I felt even more alone. I think I really needed him. We texted, and things seemed good. But then he called during fourth about Yale and Harvard, which rejected and waitlisted him, respectively. I knew it was going to be a tough day--I just didn't figure how tough.

After Gov (Jayne and I were totally civil), I complained in front of Physics about how I'd be stuck at school for two hours because my mom was at a cake/chocolate class thing, which I'd figured would okay since I usually spend my Mondays with Mark anyway. Jayne and I decided (I don't really remember how) that we'd walk together after school and she'd go home at her street and I'd just walk to tutoring. I went with Amanda to Wendy's, where I called Mark and heard the news. After fourth, I went to pick Jayne up (and told Mr. Sacks about Berkeley, which he was really nice about) and we went to Kayla's lacrosse game for like ten minutes. Then, we walked to my tutoring place together, because she realized she'd forgotten her keys at home so wouldn't be able to get into her house until her brother got home later. When I got out of tutoring, she was packing up to leave already and told me she was actually just leaving after talking to Ren in Sushi Boy for a while, but since we were both free now we decided to at least get dinner. First, though, we stopped at Golden Spoon because I was craving some strawberry.

In line, the lady behind us gave us this awesome coupon because she said she had two of them and they expired today, so yeah. It was...two free small cups of yogurt. And Golden Spoon's small is pretty damn big. We were like, OMG, what's the catch?! But the server told us that there was no catch; it was just two free smalls, for nothing. Awesome, huh? So, totally in disbelief, we got the frozen yogurt--just as the server looked at the lady who'd given us the coupons and asked if she'd given us her coupon, because the two coupons weren't actually the same and the one that the lady still had was actually expired. LOL OMG. We offered to give the coupon back to her, but she told us that it wouldn't be worth it since she was only getting one anyway. Then Jayne offered to pay for the lady's ice cream, but she told us it was fine and to just take the ice cream. OMG, what a nice stranger! We walked out of the store in disbelief and laughed all the way to Burger King, where Jayne got a meal and I munched on some fries. We talked about everything and nothing at all; it was great. I almost felt whole again. I felt confident that I was now happy enough to go home and not be selfish anymore and just comfort Mark. (I almost cried when I told Jayne about what was happening with his colleges; her disbelief was so genuine and she was so adamant and I just... Can't believe that they can't be friends, still, I guess. It's stupid.)

When I went home, I told Mark about hanging out with Jayne, and he wasn't happy. Well. Not happy is an understatement. He didn't really say anything, but it was worse knowing that he was trying to hold back. Someone like Mark trying to hold back is...not a good sign. We talked it out, ish. He asked if he should be less possessive, and I said that he couldn't help it anymore than I can help my jealousy. I told him it would be nice if he would accept that he can't ask for too much compliance from me regarding his possessiveness. And that a part of me just wants to do whatever he asks, but that's not how a good relationship works. I told him that I knew he was just trying to withstand everything, which is why I tried so hard to do what I could, and that I think he was a lot happier on Saturday night, when I was angry at Jayne, but... that I didn't think that he would love an Elaine that was angry and miserable all the time. He said things were miserable already, and I said that was why I kept hoping to fix things with her so that they wouldn't be so miserable anymore... But that's just idealistic Elaine running away with stupid ideas again, yeah?

There was some more discussion and then he just gave up. Gave up and told me to just hang out with her as often as I wanted to, and that he wasn't going to get mad at me anymore or talk to me about her anymore, and just make the best of things with me.

Something within me broke, and I cried harder than I have in a long time. Something about that surrender was worse than anything mean he could've said to me. It's always helplessness that gets me. I decided then that something had to change, and even though I dreaded it, it had to be me. I was doing something wrong. I decided I had to change myself again and become somebody else for the world, because Elaine and her principles clearly weren't working, and that failure was just tearing me apart. I didn't know what to change, but I had to change something.

---

APRIL 10

The first half of school was pretty miserable, that day. During first, sat in the library blogging and didn't end up going to Seattle's with Amanda to get her cheese danish. Later she complained about not having breakfast, and I felt bad, but... Maybe if I didn't care about my friends and what they want so much, then I would be less affected by their misery. At break, I meant to not go see everyone, but I didn't know where else to go. So I just listened to loud Linkin Park and moped around while Jayne and Erin tried to comfort me. After Calculus, Mrs. Justice asked if anything was wrong, which was really nice of her. Lunch was... I dunno. Mark came and we cuddled and stuff and I just--

I dunno. He asked where I'd been that morning, 'cause he'd looked for me after zero. I'd looked for him and said hi and then thought he was mad at me because he left without me. He told me he'd been sad 'cause he'd wanted to walk with me to Gov. Something about this... That he still wanted to even after the night before... I don't know. But I kissed him back and felt, that, well. Things were gonna be okay. Because our love for each other still superseded everything. Which sounds so tacky, but it's pretty close to the truth.

For which I am really glad.

In any case. I've given up on the two of them ever being civil again. I guess some things... In the end, it just doesn't really matter how much you want them.

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mood: content
music: Axel F - Crazy Frog

On Monday the 24th, Mark walked me to tutoring, and then we got Subway afterwards. The line took a while, and we were really like...lovey and attached, for some reason. I don't know why, but we were both just like...even more smitten than usual as we were standing in line. Maybe it's 'cause there wasn't anything else to do, but whatever it was, it made me really gleeful. We got a footlong with like a bunch of stuff in it that I ordinarily would never get, but it wasn't actually bad. A little scary, yes, but tasty nonetheless. I actually like olives, weirdly enough. But yeah, that sandwich was like an adventure. (An adventure, Charlie!) I'm trying so many foods that I don't normally eat lately. I feel so like...compromising, haha. It's an interesting experience. And it's cute to see Mark proud of me.

On Tuesday, I had Festival for String Orch. Mother came and watched the performance because she missed my concert because she was in Taiw an. We played...okay. Not great, not abysmally; just okay. When we were unpacking and warming up and stuff, Jayne and I weren't really talking, so I was kind of lonely, even though I laughed with Sean and Helen and stuff. It made me really sad. After we played, we all went to watch Woodbridge and Northwood. They were okay. Was amused because the program said that Northwood's Concert Orch's concertmaster was Michael Lee, so I expected to see Michael, yeah? Mom did too, which was weird. But then it was this other guy, so we were all like WTF? But then I realized it was Michael Lee, but it was another one, LOL. Because Northwood is so Asian that there are multiple people with the same full name. So that was amusing, hahaha.

And then the next day, went to Northwood again for the Symphonic Orch Festival. Mr. Michel and I hung out with Erin, Mag, Kelly, and Jayne in the lounge as they unpacked, and then we had a lot of fun playing with the funny sexual word magnets that were on the whiteboard. Being pervy is so fun, hahah. Then, we watched the performance, which was great, of course. Was amused as usual at Mark tuning the timpanis, hahaha. After it ended, we socialized outside for a really long time, even though we'd been planning on just leaving. Had a good time talking to everyone. After we finally finished socializing, we decided to go get something like yogurt or drinks or something. Decided on getting smoothies, YAY. Mark bought me a smoothie (♥) and bought himself one, too; Jayne got something from Starbucks; and then everyone except for me ate at Rubio's. I sat with them and stuff, though, and we had a fun time. Which felt good. Things have been too tense lately; it felt good to just... I dunno. To have Mark and Jayne laughing at the same joke, I guess.

Earlier, Mark and I had sat outside waiting for everyone else to order, and I sat on his lap and we cuddled and stuff and it was just like...really perfect somehow, even though I was freezing. I don't even remember what we were talking about, but I just remember the feeling of his arms around me, hugging me close, and...yeah. It made me really happy. I felt bad when Mr. Michel came over and watched us for a little bit, though. Guilty.

After everyone finished eating, Mr. Michel dropped me off at Macaroni Grill for my sister's birthday dinner. Jess and Mom and Charles were there. I ordered just a salad, and Mom freaked out that I was eating vegetables. It was really weird; I've eaten salads tons of times around her, and at that restaurant, too. We were all really confused at her, haha. Dinner was quaint. Not much conversation, but what can you expect from my family. Told the server that it was Jess's birthday, and he was like, "Oh. That's cool. Happy birthday." LOL, we were like WHAT?! But then later he brought out a fancy brownie, haha. Sadly, there were no more singers working at that time, so we had to sing Jess a happy birthday without our sad little voices. Ah well. The brownie was tasty enough.

On Thursday, I stayed after school and practiced the vibes for like two hours straight. I had to learn a whole song pretty much, because I didn't know we would be playing the next day for the concert (until that morning!), so I hadn't really learned it, since Mr. V sometimes gives us random music that we just play randomly but don't perform. So yeah, had to figure out 239852038 chords, boo. Ended up fine, though. It was kind of really fun. I enjoy playing them a lot. After school, Mark came over and we had In-N-Out and then played Brawl some more, which was awesome, of course.

Friday was the Jazz concert. We played okay; my solo was...nervewracking and not that great, but I had fun with it, at least. I really enjoyed watching Jazz I play, and it was funny watching Mark solo knowing that he doesn't like or listen to Jazz. But amazing nonetheless. The Long Beach Jazz Orchestra was amazing to watch, though, and Jeff Jarvis went crazy on that trumpet (I went crazy on your mom's trumpet!). OMG, I love Jazz so much. And watching them while holding hands with Mark made the show even better. :) After the concert, we cleaned up and then Mark's mom took us to Lollicup, where I got a lemon slush and we chilled for a while, talking about all kinds of random stuff. His mom and I discussed the pretty girl outside the window and how it was such a shame that she smokes, LOL. It was funny.

The next day, Mark came over and we played Brawl some more, yay! So incredibly fun, even though I am pathetic at it, haha. Around seven, Mother picked us up and dropped us off at Hokkaido, the Chinese buffet, where we had lots of sashimi, yay! Mark and I had a lot of fun just talking and joking around and laughing together. The dynamic felt great. It made me happy that we didn't have to be all over each other or anything to be happy with each other. After we finished eating, we went outside and just walked around and cuddled for a while. OMG, I was sitting in his lap outside the restaurant, where they had these like...tables with umbrellas and stuff, and the waiters and waitresses kept staring at us, LOL. It was so freaking creepy! There was this one guy that just couldn't stop looking at us. We were so freaked out, hahhaa. We talked a lot about all kinds of random things, and I felt so happy, just being with him. After a long time, we finally got home and played Brawl more, hehe. It was a good day that I'd really needed.

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In no particular order:

1. Go to Target: face wipes, facewash, hair shine, eyeliner, August Rush DVD
   
2. Get more contacts
   
3. Get new glasses, hopefully
   
4. Get at least two new pairs of jeans & hopefully new clothes & maybe a dress :D
   
5. Calculus homework & notes
   
6. The Things They Carried + work
   
7. Gov blue assignment sheet
   
8. Do AP Spanish pages/study vocab
   
9. Pay Mark, Erin, and Jess back
   
10. Type up text messages so that I can clear my damn inbox
    
11. Type up Cafe drink recipes & bring to work on Saturday
    
12. Catch up on blogging
    
13. Clean out my Memories box/gift bags
    
14. Organize white shelf of programs, SAT/AP stuff, college letters, etc.
    
15. Catch up in journal
    
16. Spend lots of time with Mark
    
17. Hang out with the Amphitheater Kids lots
    
18. Go shopping with my sister
    
19. Practice playing Brawl
    
20. Practice driving (illegally because my permit is expired)
    
21. Decide between UCLA and Berkeley--which really shouldn't be so low on this list, LOL
    
22. New blog layout
    
23. Read at least one free-reading book
    
24. Ding 69 on WoW
    
25. Get at least three new pairs of earrings
    
26. And more!

Jess says that it's crazy that I want to do this all in one week. I say I'm just so excited to actually have time to do stuff!

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mood: floaty
music: Smack That - Akon

On Monday the 17th, spent fourth with Mark and then walked to tutoring. I almost fell asleep, haha. Afterwards, we got some frozen yogurt from Golden Spoon and then walked to Burger King, where Mark shared his fries and onion rings with me. He also introduced me to some yummy sauces. Which sounds really, really sexual. LOL. Anyway, it was nice. I know it's dumb but it made me really happy when he sat next to me in the booth, haha. We had a good time. He asked me when I first liked him, and then I told him about all the different times I stopped and started liking him, heh. It was kind of liberating, and I felt good that we could talk about it. A little embarrassed, but mostly just like...happy that I could tell him stuff like that.

The next day, went to his house and just chilled until dinner time, when his mom took us to Stone Fire Grill for a fundraiser. I had chicken! Like, actual chicken. Like, from a full chicken. It was good! Mark and I were really flirty the whole time, which was really fun, heh.

And then on Thursday, went to Mark's again to hang out. He made me dinner, which was really sweet and yummy. Garlic mashed potatoes and pasta! Yum. I got to play with his laptop, too, hehe. Electronics = delicious. At six, Erin and Mr. Michel picked us up, and then we picked Jayne up. Drove to Northwood for the Wind Ensemble festival performance; Mark and Erin and Jayne went to warm up while Mr. Michel and I found seats and did some work/homework. I dozed off a little during the other performances, but Wind Ensemble did a great job. After they played, Mark, Erin, and Jayne joined us and we listened to another band. Then, we socialized outside with everyone, which was enjoyable.

Friday after school, Mark came over and we played Brawl! Started Subspace Emissary and played for like two hours straight or something; it was really fun, even though I'm abysmal at it, heh. We had a good time. I'm glad that we can do that, just like, sit around and play video games and just have a great time together. And then on Saturday morning, woke up bright and early for SSR tree planting, which was fun. After I attempted to help plant a tree, I did recycling, which was smelly but okay. I had fun with the hose, hahaha. Recycling made me feel like a good citizen of the world. Then, we had pizza and brownies, and I got to talk to Mark and Kelly and Sara and Hotaru and Michael, which was cool. Afterwards, Kelly Grossman gave Mark and me a ride to my house, where we proceeded to play more Brawl, yay! It was fun, obviously.

At fourish, Mark got picked up and went home while I got picked up to go to Spectrum to celebrate Amanda's birthday! Made reservations at Cheesecake Factory and then shopped for a bit. Got new black flip flops, yay! We had dinner around sevenish, which was delicious, of course. I had the Bistro Shrimp Pasta, yum. Yay! Di didn't join us until 8, and everyone just kept telling me to call her, which was kind of frustrating. I don't get what the point was the keep calling her and bothering her when she'd told us that she'd get there in an hour (at like 630), and I don't get why everyone had to keep telling me to call her. Well. I do get it, but it was just kind of annoying, since I didn't even think we should be bothering her in the first place, since I'd called her earlier and she'd been really frustrated but wouldn't tell me why so yeah. I wasn't like enraged about it, but just kinda like... "Umm, why" about everything, haha. Oh well; I'm used to it. After dinner, we had dessert--cheesecakes, of course, OMG. So freaking delicious. I ordered a vanilla bean again, and I loved it to death. So good! Aah!

After we finished, did some more shopping. Stopped by the purse stand and Amanda admired this purse that she saw and liked last time. She said maybe she'd get it next time and then went into Hollister with Mag while the rest of us hung around the cart. Erin, Di, and Mag bought the purse for Amanda (and Kelly put a dollar in it, of course, LOL) as her gift! But then Diana took the purse to Amanda and was like, "So, look what I just bought! Doesn't it look great?" LOL and pretended that she'd bought it for herself. Amanda was so pissed that she almost cried, and she just kept walking away from Diana and saying, "Don't even talk to me right now", "I hate you so much right now", etc. OMG, I felt so sorry for her. But then Diana said, "Haha, I'm just kidding! Happy birthday!" and gave it to her, LOL. So mean! Amanda wouldn't even talk to her for another ten minutes, LOL. It was hilarious.

I ended up buying a bag, too, that I really liked and that everyone said was very me, yay. We were in Forever 21 for a really long time after that, and then we went to Barnes and hung out for a while. There was a lot of laughter. I had a good time.




The birthday girl!









Poor Diana wanted so badly to really keep Amanda's purse for herself.


Gangster!Diana + My sexy outfit = Hotness. :D

P.S. These pictures don't do it justice, but my makeup was AMAZING, that day!

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So two Fridays ago, I was supposed to go to Kelly's after fourth with Mag and Manda to work on the Spanish video project (we had to make a music video). During fourth, Mark and I ran around everywhere (including the school library and Heritage Library) looking for copies of Flannery O'Connor's Wise Blood, which was in stock nowhere. The nearest copy was like twenty minutes away. And we needed to read it by Monday, so... We were pretty freaked out, but we e-mailed Mr. Giuliano, so that was that. And then, unfortunately, Mark got his phone confiscated by Mr. Sacks and Mr. Meader--on the weekend he needed it most, and he got some shit from the office and was just really, really upset overall. Earlier he'd been trying to convince me to stay to help do setup, but I'd said no (albeit not exactly adamantly) because I'd made plans already, and how would he feel if I canceled on him because I wanted to hang out with somebody else? But he was so upset that I asked him if he wanted to be alone, and he said no and then said yes when I asked if he wanted me to stay. And so I stayed, because I feel more of a responsibility to a boyfriend in stress than a group project that three of my friends were already working on.

So I was kinda like…terrified because I had a feeling my friends would get really exasperated at me for like…uh, ditching them? So I figured I'd stay with Mark until he felt better, and then I'd get a ride to Kelly's—since they were just brainstorming, and I'm not exactly creative, yeah? So I braced myself and told them, and at first they seemed kinda annoyed, but they eventually relented, which was a relief. I was still scared that they would be mad at me, though.

So then I went back to Mark, and we didn't do much for a while; he was really upset and I'm always really uncertain about what to do about people who are upset, especially since Mark is the kind of guy who seems like he needs space and yet know that he's not alone? I don't know. After a while, we started setting up again, which was fun with Jason and Ben and stuff. I called my aunt at like 530 and got dropped off at Kelly's at like…6. Ugh, Jess was such a bitch about it… This was the week that my mom was in Taiwan, so as I was getting out of the car, she was like, "Oh, are you going to need a ride home, too?" all
bitchily, and I was like umm, not to my house, but I need to get to school at like 630ish (since Mark's friend Kasie had the book from last year, we had to go pick it up; the reason I had to go with him was that I had to take it home and read it all that night so that I could give it to Mark the next day to read on Sunday). And she was like, "Oh, so you need another ride in half an hour?!" and I was like, WTF, you're not even driving me, what the hell. And my aunt was totally cool with it, she was like, "Oh, you want me to pick you up here at 630?" and I was like, "Oh no, I'll walk to Culver Plaza so it's easier on you," and she said that it was okay; she'd just pick me up at Kelly's. Which made Jess bitch more, obviously. I was pretty annoyed at that, mrgh.

Anyway, learned the dance moves at Kelly's, and then in like fifteen minutes she kicked us out 'cause she had dance lessons, boo. It was actually earlier than I figured, which sucks, but I'm a pretty fast learner, so yeah. Got back to school, rejoined the setup crew, and then Mark's mom picked us up and we picked up the book. Then, we went to dinner and had yummy Pho, yay. Dinner was fun; I tried to cheer poor Mark up; he was really upset about the phone. After dinner, we went to Champion so Mark could get boba, which I'm not into, so whoo. But I tried some and it wasn't bad.

Next day, woke up bright and early for Jazz Festival (got to school at 630; Mr. Michel kindly gave me a ride AND bought us breakfast at Starbucks, yum), whee! Was a judgerunner for the third—fourth?—year in a row. Requested Student Center, the venue that Mark was in charge of, yay! And OMG, Mr. A actually knows me! Like, he'd started saying hi to me around campus so I was like, cool, he recognizes me, but he actually like…knows who I am. The other day, he called me to his office by name, and then Mark said that he mentioned me to him, and then during the Jazz Festival meeting, he referred to me in front of everyone—OMG, so cool! I feel special; I haven't even taken one of his classes before! Other than Marching Band, I guess, but I mean…160 people? Haha. Anyway, I helped finish setup and run errands and stuff.

I judgeran (judgerunned?) for a while before going to the theater to perform with Jazz II. Did okay; not fantastical, but not horrible, either. I was so nervous about my solo! I wrote it out in my head pretty much, but it ended up not sounding as great as I'd imagined it would, so I ended up having to actually improvise. Aah! So nervewracking! It was kinda fun, though. I felt good. After the performance, we went to the clinic and blah blah. Then, I went back to the Student Center and did judgerunning and hung out with Mark and Ben and Jason and stuff. For lunch, I got a Fiesta Salad or something from Concessions, which was tasty. Sat mostly by myself while Mark talked to Ryan, which was fine. After he left, Mark and I just hung out for a while, which was nice. Then, he had to go for his performance, so I hung out with Ben and Jason, which was fun. Then, I snuck off to see Jazz I perform, hehe. I was late for my judgerunning duties, but I don't regret watching them 'cause it was so good! Yay! After Mark returned, we spent most of the time running around to do a bunch of different things; I don't even remember what; there were just so many errands to be done!

I had a lot of fun listening to the bands, though. Some of them were really good! There was this one really good vibist, and I was in awe! Her solo was awesome. Their vibe set was really sexy, too, heh. Anyway, after the festival was over, we had to do cleanup, of course. Luckily, my venue finished an hour or so before everyone else, so we got a headstart, yay. Still took forever to dismantle everything, though. When we finished it was like...9? 10? ish. After we dropped Mark off, Erin, Jayne, and I decided to go to Erin's to play Rock Band, which was fun. It was quaint, but it was a good way to relax after a busy busy day. Funny thing is that when we were sitting around in the band room after we finished cleaning up, Mark's mom kept calling my phone, but Mark thought that she was calling to yell at him again, so he wouldn't let me pick up, and she kept calling... And later we found out that she was calling because she'd cooked fish and wanted to ask if I wanted to go over, LOL. Oops! But yeah, it was a fun day.

The next day, went to Kelly's to film for our project. We did it to Ricky Martin's "She Bangs" and parodied American Idol. It's freaking awesome. We had so much fun doing it, too. And then Wendy made the most delicious dinner for us, including her delicious pasta salad and this delicious terriyaki chicken, OMG. It was so freaking good, and that's like...WHOA for me to say since it was just like...straight up meat (LOL, I just said that), but like. HOLY FRICK yum. I'm craving it now, heh. After dinner (and lots of talk about college, the usual at Kelly's), we finished editing and then celebrated Sara's birthday with a really cool cake. Yay!

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