mood: pleased
music: Talk of the Town - Jack Johnson

Today, Jayne asked me if I was playing WoW a lot just because I enjoy it, or because I was still upset about whatever I was upset about before. I was surprised that she'd even thought of that. I suppose I've just kind of put it behind me, and it's just become ingrained into my life. Which happens with most of the things that upset me. I guess it's not a bad thing. Well. When I think about it, I'm still angry, but otherwise, it's totally behind me. I mean. There's no use getting upset about something I can't do anything about, right? You just can't change the past; you have to learn to accept it.

I'm getting better at quieting my ego. Lately, I've started asking Kelly questions in math, like how to do stuff. And checking my answers with her and stuff. Man. You have no clue how big of an accomplishment this is. Before, I'd always just asked Jayne because I don't believe she would be scornful of me (since we're kinda balanced in English & Math). But now, asking Kelly isn't so bad. And I guess she's always come to me for help, so I should return the...favor, haha. Now if only I could ask Mark questions without being terrified of being thought of as stupid or inept!

Speaking of Kelly coming to me for help, I offered to/got to edit her college essays! Uh, fake college essays, I guess. But yeah, it was the first time that I'd read her writing. Yeah, she writes like an achiever. I don't know how they do it! Anyway, she said that I was a huge help and that she really appreciated my editing. And that her mom was really impressed with my corrections--esp the grammar ones--and that she'd said that I totally had a career in editing. (OMG!!!! Hehe.) Anyway, that made me feel special and happy. Like when I used to look at Mark's work for him and he'd tell me how much I helped him and how great of a writer I was. Ah, friends who don't mind boosting your ego are fantastic. And I used to (and still do when she asks me) help Mag with her papers, too, which was always nice. Jayne made me sad yesterday, though. She said that she always feel really inadequate when I edit her stuff or tear it apart or whatever. The way she said it made me feel like she was blaming me for being too critical and for trying to help her. Wasn't exactly happy about that. I told her that I didn't have to edit her stuff if she didn't want me to, or that I could edit it less, but she just told me to drop it. Oh, well.

Yesterday, I asked Mother if I could attend the Heritage Awards to cheer on my friends (I mean, how could I not go, after throwing such a fit about Kelly not telling us?), but she wouldn't let me. She said something me needing to take a nap, but I countered that I've been trying to get rid of that habit and haven't done so for the past few weeks and that I wouldn't anyway. I think the real reason was that she didn't want me to go out, though; she kinda muttered it. Gosh, it wasn't like I was going to go party. It was a freaking ceremony! Ugh. Anyway, I was pretty damn mad, and walked out of the car calmly and closed my bedroom door and turned my music up. I didn't speak to her at all last night, and I said I didn't need dinner. I didn't actually eat dinner at all, in the end, but I wasn't even hungry, which was kind of odd. This morning, she didn't make me breakfast (she'd made Jess breakfast; I saw the leftovers) or pack me lunch, and things were tense in the car, though I had to help her work the navigation system. I'm still kind of angry about it, but I'm speaking to her now, 'cause I want to go to the In-Concert tomorrow, and I don't want to have to sneak out (though I will if I have to; I've been really looking forward to it). Mrgh. Being angry takes so much energy, though.

The other day, Millie, Janine, Jayne, and I had a Prom pictures fest in math, and Millie and Janine were both really eager to get our pictures. That made me happy. Just like... That they didn't care that it was two girls? I was reminded of how Janine had told Jayne that she was really sad that I had broken up with her, since we'd be "so cute together". How nice. Also reminds me of how Amanda and Mag both commented something akin to "Aww, so cute! <3" on this one pic of Jayne and me that I had on MySpace when we were going out. That really made me happy. It was just, you know, a sign of support from my friends, and I really appreciated it. I also like how Kelly and Mag didn't hesitate to put the pic of us on their binders. Amanda has to rearrange her binder layout, though, I guess, hahaha.

Okay, I'll talk about Ruby's, my Memorial Day weekend, and my Bio grade tomorrow. ...Oh god, SAT IIs on Saturday.

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mood: excited
music: Candyman - Christina Aguilera

Hahaha, my sister is hilarious. I went downstairs to eat dinner, still in my concert attire minus the tie (all black), and she said, "Are you feeling fat today?" Hehe.

So much to talk about! Rewind, I guess!

Pops Concert today! I played all right. Not my absolute best, but not too bad. Mr. V was right about how the peak of all our playing was about a week ago and how we wouldn't be able to keep it up until the concert. Oh, well, I had a good time. Watching all the orchestras and bands play, I feel kinda... I dunno, a lot of people just don't seem to enjoy the music and stuff very much. Many of the players who are way more talented than I could ever be look kinda dead or bored, which makes me sad. How can I expect non-musicians to appreciate music when the musicians themselves don't even appreciate it? Well. I'm just glad that I'm so enthusiastic and have such a good time in Orch. It's fun.

Wind Ensemble played some cool stuff, and I liked their last song. It was fun to listen to. At the end, I cheered--yelled--for Erin and Mark and Jason with Jayne, yay! Erin had a solo! During it, Jayne and I were like, "Is that Erin?!" and bent around each other/audience members trying to see if it was, since Mr. V was blocking our view of her, haha. After their performance, we applauded her and waved Mark over. Yay, my music peeps! I love watching concerts, but I love watching them with friends even more. I dunno, I just always feel so lucky that I have friends who love music so much. I can't imagine what it'd be like to hang out with strictly non-musicians. I liked Symph Orch's literature this time; it didn't seem too lengthy but was still enjoyable. I amused myself by watching Mason look at his instrument as if it were some intriguing forest animal. His leg seemed less attached to his chair this time, which is good, hahaha. They seemed a little off today, though? I dunno. Great to listen to, though. I yelled, "Yay, Maggie!" before anyone else did, w00t. And she actually saw us earlier and waved. At all the concerts, we always wave crazily at Mag but she is always completely blind to us, hahah. So it was a great accomplishment, yay.

After the concert, we all helped clean up (yay for being good students!) and then I told Erin's dad we were going to invade his house (he'd mentioned how he was sad that we never came over anymore, a bit ago) soon, and he said okay, and that he'd hide in his room, hehe. I was on a post-concert high and ran around getting pics with everyone and being generally excitable. I dunno what it is about concerts, but I'm always so pumped up after them! Mark made fun of me for taking pictures with everyone just to get a bunch of shots of myself, hehe. Not true! I lurve my friends, and I always feel really happy when I look at pictures of us.

We piled up in Erin's dad's car and got dropped off. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten to get Jayne's mom's straightener from my locker, and I knew that her mom would probably blame her for my forgetfulness, so I ran into her house and apologized (to the wall, kinda, since I didn't know where her mom was, haha), and she said okay, but I could tell she was trying to pretend she wasn't bothered. She didn't say, "It's okay," she just said, "Okay," and I felt really bad. I felt even worse when Jayne called and told me that she'd been yelled at. Sigh. Being forgetful is a pain. I told her I'd buy her dinner or something, and she reminded me that I have no money. Oh, yeah, heh. So I told her I'd cook her dinner or something, make her eel, and everyone in the car started grossing out, haha. It was funny.

I feel bad 'cause I think I got Erin excited; she thought I was going to go to her house, but I'd meant that we'd invade her house another time. When we got to my house, though, I got all confused 'cause Mark climbed out of the car, but he walked me to the door. Awwww. I think he said something about Erin's dad (I didn't really hear it, but probably about how he'd probably make him or something, I suppose), but it was really nice nonetheless. We examined The Pumpkin (that Mother refuses to throw away, for some mysterious reason), and I hugged him, and yah. I think we're gonna be okay. Haha, I felt bad for him, though, he was like freezing to death during the concert, and I wanted to help, but didn't know if he'd think I was coming onto him or something. This is where friendships based online suck, haha. We seriously need to see each other more or talk more on the phone or something, haha. Maybe during the summer or something.

Oh, the other day, I was going to go say hi to him at lunch, but he came! That was surprising. Surprising, but quite nice. (OMG, anadiplosis!) We just ate and talked (...which is usually what people do during lunchtime, haha), and it was nice. I miss the days when he'd stop by almost daily just to say hi--though he always left when I guess we got too crazy for him, haha. He mentioned not having somewhere to go at lunch, and I really wish there was something I could do. I told him he was always welcome, and he said he knows, but that it's just awkward sometimes. Yeah, I know. Sigh.

You know, I was thinking about it the other day and discussing it with Jayne, too. I mean, we were all kinda put off and resentful when Kristine left us to hang out with other people, but you know... I realized that even though she left and hung out with cooler people, she was never mean to us. She was always the same old nice Kristine, only we didn't see her everyday. She's come back, though, I think. She's been in the Amphitheater everday for the past few weeks, and I'm glad to have her back. Kelly deserves the credit for that. Kelly and Mag. Kelly never gave up on her, and she and Mag managed to maintain a connection with her. Hrm. How can I claim to be a good friend when other people managed to salvage a friendship that I just didn't seem to be able to maintain? Well... I guess I did try, at least. That's a start.

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mood: excited but very inadequate
music: Holly Wood Died

nobody told her she'd lose in the first round
the fight was fixed from the start

Mark: you ready to feel bad and blog about it?
Elaine: LOL already started

(Hehe.)

I chose to wear green today.

It was discouraging when I heard about everyone who'd been nominated for a Heritage Award. It was funny when half of my AP Bio class left for the rehearsal. It was just confusing when Kelly and Mark told me what they'd received.

Why am I like this? Why is it that whenever this kind of thing comes up, I always feel so goddamned down? I don't like it at all. Things would be so much easier if I wasn't so affected by everything. But I guess that's out of my control.

Well. How do I feel? I'm not really sure. Some fucked up feeling of being happy for my friends, proud of their achievements and of being friends with them... Some fucked up feeling akin to inadequacy and being totally discouraged. I told Jayne I was feeling moody because of my expected post-Heritage Awards withdrawl, and she said, "It's okay that you didn't get one, Elaine." And I realized, that's not even what makes me sad. I don't think that I deserve one at all. And I think that's what makes me the saddest. I don't work hard enough; my grades aren't stellar enough; I just don't stand out. That's what makes me feel all disappointed--not not receiving the award. What the award represents--things that I lack--is what makes me feel a little more worthless than usual. And I guess being so...not insecure just makes the drop hurt a little more. Refusing to angst about how I'll never be super achiever, I've accepted that fact, and am totally cool with it--most of the time, apparently.

I cried a little, but... I dunno. (Haha. I'm suddenly reminded of that terrible disappointment and worthlessness I felt when Mark told Mrs. Harwood that I was leaving her English class after first semester, and you know what she said? "I'm going to miss your handwriting." [facepalm]) It's just times like these that I realize how I've been fooling myself. I'm always complaining (more in my head nowadays than to people, fearing that they might be condescending or think that I'm just being a conceited bitch--yeah, especially my friends...) about not being recognized for being a good student, but gosh, Elaine, think about it. How can anyone be blamed for overlooking you when there's kids like Mark and Kelly running around campus? If I were a teacher, I wouldn't think about me ever. But there's a lot of moments in which I'm just like... Maybe I'm not super overachiever OMG, but I still don't believe that I'm on the same level as my other peers. I don't know. Maybe it's just a remnant of that conceited Elaine from middle school. Maybe it's just the fact that I feel like I appreciate educational stuff more than a lot of my peers.

What's the lesson of this agony? (Haha, not really agony, just...yeah, I still can't articulate these damn feelings.) Work harder? Not really. I dunno. Upon hearing of what everyone got, I started angsting, so I tried to comfort myself by thinking of all the other great things that I have. If I were to receive an award for something, what would it be for, I wondered. I'm not the smartest, the prettiest, the most popular, the nicest, the fairest, the funniest, the most involved in anything, the most talented at anything... I decided on the Best Friend Award.

'Cause I guess that's the thing I've worked hardest at. Since Freshman year, trying to get everyone to coalesce into a group, trying to keep the hostile friends apart, trying to make sure that everyone felt welcomed--all the while trying to patch up my broken friendship with Diana. Always trying to make sure that everyone knows how much I care about them, always listening to everyone's troubles and worries and deepest thoughts, always trying to connect with everyone. Always trying to fill in the conversation gaps, to make everyone laugh, to offer comfort (and hugs) in times of need. Always worrying about their troubles, always trying to accomodate everyone. Am I bragging? Who knows. But I'm proud. Very proud. Maybe there isn't such a thing as a Best Friend Award, but... Maybe the real reward is just the fact that I'm so fortunate as to have my friends. To have multiple people claim that I am their closest. To be able to call multiple people my closest. Well. Heritage Award or not--recognition or not--I'm pretty damn fortunate, aren't I?

...It's amazing how I can always turn these angsty entries into really optimistic ones, haha. ...Meep, I have a lot of other stuff to blog about, too. Religions homework first, though!

Oh, yeah. Jayne expressed being really angry about the Heritage Awards, and I felt a little exasperated. She wanted one. Just because. I asked her if she thought she deserved one, 'cause I didn't think that I did, and she said she's worked really hard in English this year. I agree. But they're more about hard work + OMFG!uber!results, so... Sigh. But anyway, I was exasperated because she was saying that she had never gotten an award except for blah blah and how her Spur Award didn't count for anything because it was just the result of her sucking up to Mr. V. That bothers me a lot. I don't think it doesn't count for anything. And saying that it doesn't count is terrible. Doesn't count? I sure don't have one. I think it damn well counts, and that she'd better be damn proud of it. I would be.

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Diana woke me up at 10 today (on accident), so after lying in bed thinking about a lot of things for half an hour, I decided to get up. I went downstairs to say good morning to Mother, and ended up having breakfast and a deep conversation with her. We discussed the differences in the ways that guys and girls treat the people who chase after them, and it was interesting. It always makes me feel really good when she tells me that I'm really observant and analyze people well. She also said something about how I must have a really strong emotional base that I don't display to others, and how it must be why I write, in both journals and stories. I thought that was pretty interesting. I told her about why how like...writing about my feelings and problems makes them seem so unimportant, so insignificant to my life, so irrational to be worrying about. She commented that when and if I love someone, I must love them very deeply, with a great deal of affection.

I think that that's right on the dot. Reminds me of the time when Diana was talking about how I don't have healthy crushes like Kelly and Jayne; I have crazy insane obsession/attachment things. Though I do have healthy crushes; it's just that the ones I feel important enough to mention to everyone are the big ones, haha. At Kelly's, we perused the yearbook from last year, and we got to the page with Jennie on it. [faint] She was so fucking kadf;jldk... Sigh. I miss seeing her around. What an attractive girl.

Jason got a girlfriend! I went to see him and hugged him and was like, "OMG, I haven't seen you in so long!" and he was like, "Yeah, 'cause I got a girlfriend," and it was cute, ahaha. The other day at lunch, his stalkers ran by and all yelled, "We love you, Jason!" or something. You shoulda seen the looks on our faces, ahaha. It was...really freaky. I mean, sure, I'm kinda freaky (was?), but... LOL, it was just ridiculous. I wonder if they have like sleepovers to squeal about him or something. And if any of them are jealous of each other. Hehe. Poor Jason is too nice. I told him to give them the cold shoulder or be mean to them or something, and he and Beth were like, "That's so mean!" and I felt bad about how I'd treated Tom and Joseph and stuff. Well, I guess he only has a month left anyway, haha.

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mood: really relaxed
music: Trust Me - The Fray

The major Ranma supplier on YouTube had all of her vids deleted. Oh god, I am an idiot for taking so long to watch all the episodes!

I haven't been feeling like fanfiction lately. It's kinda weird. Bothers the hell out of me. I hope that after seeing POTC3, I'll get back into that fandom. 'Cause seriously, it is the most fabulously written not-book fandom that I've seen. Real good stuff. Real good novellas. Haha, it's just that once you get into HP, you start scoffing a lot of the other stuff. I suppose you could argue that Brokeback has some of the best authors and an enormous array of novellas, but it's a book...though a lot of them are based on the movie... Hrm. I dunno. I guess I just have really good taste.

So yesterday, Kelly and I attended Jayne's concert! I thought that it was really sweet how Kelly decided to come to see Jayne's solo. I mean, sure I went, but I go to all the concerts and would've gone anyway. But that was really cute and nice of Kelly. And before the performance, Mag and Erin called to wish her good luck (they're camping). It makes me really happy to know that I have friends like that. Percussion was awesomeness (Jazz and Percussion are still my faves). Concert Orch--they all looked like they were trying so hard (and their seatings were really different from the way they'd been when I'd been in it! I wonder how I would've placed), but well... I whispered to Jayne that Mark would probably die if he heard them, haha. Ah, my little children. Hrm, Dylan was moved back. He was sorta a jerk to me, and I totally didn't get it. ...Cute, though. Symphonic Band had this super cool song that had thirty little segments of different songs in it, and we had to guess how many songs were in it. I guessed right on the mark! Kelly said twenty, ahaha.

After the concert, Kelly and I helped them clean up (I felt bad 'cause I probably made her feel obliged to help by helping), and then we asked Jayne's mom if we could take her out for ice cream (I figured she was less likely to say no to us, haha), and she said yes! Reluctantly, I think. But yay! Wendy and Sara picked us up and took us to Golden Spoon! While we waited in line, we gaped at the huge ice cream cones. Man, that old guy freaking deep-throated his! I got half chocolate, half coffee, with white chocolate chips, which was really tasty. The girl got kinda bitchy in the end, though. I guess it was late, and there were too many orders for her to do. Or maybe she was just a bitchy person. Oh, well. Then, we went to Kelly's to eat the frozen yogurt (so that Dale's wouldn't melt while they dropped us off), and we ended up staying until like eleven, haha. That was fun!

At first we were just eating frozen yogurt all calmly, talking about schools and tomatoes and SAT scores. I always feel so nervous and judged when I talk to Wendy about school.... I dunno, who wouldn't, knowing that she has kids like Sara and Kelly! Jayne picked up Sara's report card in the office room, and it didn't have a single A-. Man. And she plays 230950239 instruments and is student body president! ...And is loaded. With really great parents and a great sister. Hrm. Argh, it's like Neil and that Javier kid! The other day in Tennis, Angela, Katrina, and I were talking about how freaking amazing Neil is, and how he's like seriously got it all: he's smart, he's attractive, he's a good viola player, he participates in class, and he's got a girlfriend, too! Oh, and he's in track! Mannn. I was telling Kelly, I wonder what his fatal flaw is. I asked Kelly what hers was, and she said she is terrified of failure. I also read her college paper; she may be modest, but she's is quite aware of her academic prowess. Pretty interesting.

Anyway, after we went upstairs and they showed me Mag, Jayne, and Di's Spanish vid project (finally! and OMFG, love; I demanded a copy of it, along with this other random vid Jayne took of us at lunch...though I didn't get it, hrm; I have to bother Kelly some more), and then Mag and Erin called to ask how Jayne's solo'd gone (again, so nice! ), and things started to get crazy. I dunno how or why, but suddenly everything was hilarious. Mag made Kelly reenact her writing-her-name-with-her-butt thing, and it was incredibly funny. Then, they taped me doing it, and I was amused. We read an excerpt from Kelly's old diary (ahahah), and I danced around and talked to Mag and Erin while Jayne checked up stuff on WoW.com, and Kelly...ran off randomly and came back just as randomly. Anyway, it was fun. We weren't even really doing anything, but we were having a great time. This is why I know that we do have the ability to hang out at people's houses. Jayne's right; we need to do it more often. Not only for monetary reasons, but just because it's damn fun.

Jayne left her cell at Kelly's, and when Kelly IMed me about it, I instantly picked up my phone and called Jayne. Or rather, her cell. And was all confused when Kelly picked up, ahahah. Man, I'm an idiot. Hee. It's okay; I have fun doing it.

Jayne's NorCal WoW isn't working (stupid patch), which sucks; I thought maybe we could do an instance this weekend! She threw a fit and got really mad, and I tried to calm her down. She really has gotten a lot more temperamental in the last year. She was never like this before. I guess we all change as we age. Anyway, I tried reassuring her that at least it was the comp at her dad's house, not at her mom's, that had the bug. Hopefully it'll fix itself, but if it doesn't, I hope she's not too bummed about it. It's just a game!

I talked to Di on the phone pretty much all day. We had a really good time. Poor thing seems to be feeling worse more often lately. Last night, she was really stressed out over her most recent symptom, and was really pissy. I was kind of annoyed and finally remembered why it's always been so tough to be friends with her. Good thing, too. It wouldn't be good to lose sight of bitchy Diana and think that she's just this nice, sick Diana, and then let her words hurt me when she comes back!

I wish Michelle and I would just get to know each other already. Ever since Freshman year, we've been each other's presences all the time, but neither of us ever say because it's not like we've ever really talked. It frustrates me, though! I always want to say hi, but never know if she's going to recognize or acknowledge me at all. Yesterday though, I was like, "C'mon, these guys are my dance buddies!" about her and Emily. And they were like, "Yeah!" and I felt welcomed and special.

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mood: relaxed
music: Black & White People

Oh man, lots to recap. So, last Friday was Carnival--although I saw more people from my high school than from my middle school class! Too bad. A lot more people went last year, but I guess it doesn't make that big of a difference to me, Miss Unpopular, haha. Anyway, I had two packets of Dippin' Dots (OMFG LOVE), and Mag gave me some tickets so that I could make a sand candy thingy with her. Basically, I leapt around both making a fool of myself about Michael and not caring enough about him. We met up with Tiffany, though. Connecting with old friends is always so awkward for me, but everyone somehow manages it so easily. But we were able to talk a little and stuff. At one point, she asked for a mirror, and everyone turned to me, which cracked me up. I handed it to her and she laughed too, and I was like, "Yep, nothing ever really changes," and then at the same moment realized that... Everything changes. People change everyday. Nobody is the same person they were 5 years ago. (I think she was suprised how much I didn't care about Michael. But I suppose everyone was.) But I'm just glad that I can still reconnect with old friends, even if I'm not very good at it.

Mag and Tiffany kept trying to get me to go say hi to Michael with them. But... Gosh, it's not like we're friends or anything. They were friends with him; they talked a lot. But I was never his friend--his anything except stalker...--and I didn't feel comfortable with pretending that I was. It was nice of them, though. It was so nice of everyone to try to set up me and Michael during the Flashback dance, too. Maybe their main motivation wasn't fulfilling my dream, but to refuse to give up on stubborn Michael and really shy and embarassed me... That was nice.

Halfway through the Carnival, we decided we were bored and that we would go watch Shrek. We actually stayed for a while after that, though Kelly, Erin, and Mag ditched Amanda, Duy, Jayne, Tiffany, and me to go to Kelly's to get tickets. Though I suppose Tiffany was supposed to tell us to walk to Kelly's. Oops. But Wendy ended up just picking us up (Amanda and Duy went to Amanda's), along with Sara, and driving us to Spectrum.

Kelly wouldn't take my movie tickets as payment, though; she insisted on receiving cash. Jayne and I didn't have any cash. That was kind of a nuisance. And the movie was eleven fucking dollars. I don't have eleven dollars! I've paid off a lot of my debt, but I still owe Diana $52 and Jess $16. And I keep putting off going to get job applications and stuff, ugh. So I was kinda frustrated. Jayne was just plain exasperated. In the end, Erin really, really, really nicely offered to trade my tickets for cash (Mag pitched in, too), and we were able to pay Kelly that way. It was really nice of them. Maybe other people wouldn't think that much of it, but I thought it was really just... I mean, maybe they don't really get why we don't have money sometimes (Jayne most of the time, I suppose), but they were there when we were having trouble. And even in the most insignificant of situations, I appreciate that so, so much. And everyone let us eat their food, too.

Jayne vented about something she's been really frustrated about ever since our group became so cohesive and started out hanging out together. She's frustrated about how like... Everytime we hang out, we always do something that requires money. Money that she doesn't have. And she said that everyone always keeps asking her why her mom doesn't just give her money when she mentions her troubles and doesn't seem to understand that her mom doesn't have money to give, with three kids (and rent) to support. (This reminds me of the limo fiasco, really.) I guess that's the thing with a lot of the kids in the city. It's not like they're snobby, it's just that they don't understand being so privileged as to live here. Kinda interesting. That'd be a cool study--the difference between kids in upper middle class cities and kids in other lower middle class cities.

I tried to think up a reason that wasn't "Well, probably because the majority of us (them?) are loaded," and could only come up with like...that maybe we don't have enough in common to just go to someone's house or something and hang out. But you know, I thought on it and realized that that's not true at all. Maybe a year ago, it was true. But not now. We've hung out at people's houses a lot and have had a great time just talking and laughing and making fun of one another. So why do we go out and spend money so often? Probably just because we like to. Welp. Guess you can't argue with that logic. And our favorite activity is eating. In Jayne's case, cheap eating. In Diana and Amanda's case, really expensive eating. In my case, really yummy eating. ...Wow, we're just a group of pigs. I was going to say herd, except pigs don't travel? Heh.

Anyway, I felt bad so I invited her to sleep over. After we caroused through Barnes & Noble (yay!), we split up for rides, and Beth picked up Erin, Jayne, Tiffany, and me. I ended up inviting Erin over too, and so she slept over, too. While I took a nap (I was exhausted!), Jayne played WoW, and Erin read her two new volumes of manga. Then we just talked and stuff, and then I collapsed again, as did Erin, and then Jayne slept under my desk. In the middle of the night, I woke up and felt bad for her, so I offered to switch and ended up under the desk. That was not exactly comfortable, so I moved over to the matress thing Erin was sprawled out on after a while. In the morning, Mother got us breakfast from McDonald's and then dropped Erin and Jayne off at like eleven.

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It would be rash to say that this week sucks, but it is definitely one of the not-that-great ones.

Everyone and their mom seems to be receiving a Heritage Award. Mark, Kelly, Erin, and Kristine all got nominated. In the meantime, I got a 71% on the recent math test. Fun stuff. I feel...you know, sad. And kinda hopeless. I suppose I just am not...enough. I work hard, but not enough; I try to be engaged and involved, but it's not enough; I get nice grades, but not enough; teachers relatively like me, but not enough. And that last one's even a stretch. I suppose I've never been good at standing out. Well. At least I'm not consumed by insane jealousy, as I would've been a year ago. I guess I've just kind of given up. I don't know if that's exactly better. Instead of being mad and indignant--which were at least passionate emotions--I just feel kind of...desolate and empty. Hurrah. It's going to be great fun going to the ceremony to support them, but hell on my ego, hrm? Expect an angsty-as-hell blog entry afterwards. Sigh.

Today we voted for people for the awards that the Music Department gives out at the end of every year. It's so obvious who mine is from, haha. I managed to squeeze almost all my friends onto the ballot. I put myself for Most Service. Meh. I have some twisted notion that I deserve a reward for going to all the band events and helping and stuff. But that's just me being conceited, I guess.

Wow. It really just hit me that I really don't stand out. I know I always joke about how plain and average I am, but really... That's pretty damn close to the truth. Goddamn it. I really regret not challenging someone to move up a stand or two in String Orch. Well. I dunno. Orch really wouldn't be as enjoyable without Jayne, Ashley, and Warren (Mr. V calls us the delinquent (or something like that) corner, haha--though I don't really get why because we don't ever get in trouble), but... Sigh. Back to not standing out. Maybe that's why I try so hard to look good. Because I'm subconsciously really aware of how un-outstanding I am so I try to stand out in the way that's easiest to adjust. Then again, maybe I'm just really girly.

At least I have an A in Bio. Mag said the next few PreCal chapters are impossible. I started to erase the A in the corner of my paper today, after I saw my grade for the last test. So much for being really happy about having a B+ (though Mark didn't appreciate it). I refuse to give up, just because... Well, I don't really know why. But I refuse to. I don't really have hope for an A anymore, though. Sigh. There goes my 4.1 GPA. I abhor how badly I do in math. It causes so many problems.

About how I was feeling all glum after the talk... Yep, still feeling gloomy. It's interesting how easy it is to just shove the thoughts away and get distracted by some stupid conversation or fantasy or joke, but they never stay away. My friends have been really concerned, and it's really sweet. It's always kind of jarring how quickly they switch from insulting/teasing me to persistently asking what's wrong. But nice. And I like how they respect my privacy when I (for once) don't tell them everything. They just asked vague questions about the nature of the problem and left it at that. And yet I can still tell that they really care. I really respect and am really thankful for that.

I feel like Mark doesn't talk to me anymore. Maybe I'm overreacting/analyzing/whatever else I do that's over the top. I don't feel that we're drifting; I feel that we're... I dunno, there's just this big gaping hole of...something. A bunch of mixed feelings, I guess. I don't know. All I know is that I miss him. A lot. After we talked that night, he updated me on the musical (or the no-musical) for next year, and I felt a keen sense of loss that he hadn't told me it before. I'm not saying he should be obliged to tell me every detail of his life, but... I dunno. I don't really know what I'm saying. And I feel like a lot--if not all--of it is my fault. Nice job, Elaine. Mrgh.

Today, Jayne said something about how I always make the wrong decisions. I got really mad. Of all the people--!

I always feel really bad about the friendship between Amanda and me. I think we both try to start conversations (esp. online), but realize that we don't really have much to say. I'm thankful that we can joke around about silly stuff and things like that, but I wish we were more involved about each other's lives. But I guess like Mark said, not everyone is like me and tells everyone everything about their lives. Oh, why not! Haha. But she really is kind of a private person. While Duy has come to me countless times about their breakups, I think she's only talked to me once or twice about any relationship problems she's having. I wonder if it has to do with an image she tries to maintain, or if she thinks I'll judge her or something, or if she's just a private person. I guess it doesn't really matter. No matter what, I respect her privacy. I just wish we didn't have dumb awkward silences when we talked online, wherein we both want to say something but don't have anything to say.

I still have to blog about the weekend.

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Welp, the nerds have the right idea. Barely five minutes of playing WoW and I already feel 500 times better.

Everything's going to be fine. And if not...it's not my fault. Right? And if it is, well. I'll figure it out eventually.

Like questing! :D

[/optimistic]

Well. I don't know. I'm trying to not let this get me down. All of this.

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mood: glum
music: Marching Bands of Manhattan - Death Cab for Cutie

sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
while you debate half empty and half full
it slowly rises; your love is going to drown

I don't rightly know where to start. I'm really hungry. Mother's home but she's not cooking. This is odd. I feel really guilty. I keep promising to watch Spiderman with her, but I keep blowing her off. Thursday night, I told her we'd watch it the next day. Then I went out with everyone and came home late. Last night, I told her we'd watch it, but then I got asked to do an instance in WoW and I can never resist saying yes to nice people. (Unfortunately, I am really inept at instances. It's really quite depressing.) And so I blew her off again. Sigh. Tonight, I'm going to try to finish my homework early so that we can watch it when she comes home.

I dreamt about a comforting arm around my shoulder and my entire family betraying me and leaving me to die and getting sushi with my friends and trying to make things work out so that everyone would be comfortable and being pulled in two directions simultaneously and not knowing what to do and a white t-shirt--this is the second night in a row--and twin sisters hiding their identities and the sea and a ship and tidepools and being taken away and trying to find a sword to fight with and searching a messy room frantically and being under a time constraint. Dreams tell a lot about one's thoughts.

So, I was right, and everyone was wrong. This is the second time I've been right about him while everyone keeps telling me that I'm wrong. I really do need to learn to just trust my instinct and realize that duh, he's one of my best friends so obviously I know him better than them. Yeah, Mark and I talked. Nothing wrong my ass. A lot of things are wrong, and I think this might be my demise. Because this is not something I feel like I can fix, not something for which we can come to a mutual understanding, not something to offer comfort about. And I think... It's kind of amusing that now that I've moved away from being mad at Mark all the time, it seems that he's just disappointed in me all the time.

What plagues me now is that everytime I do something that makes me happy, it seems to turn out wrong. I keep losing everyone's respect; I keep finding myself unable to live up to their expectations; I keep trying to live and be the way that pleases my friends. This is wrong, I know. I think I keep trying to satisfy both sides but it's impossible. I feel like I can only have one but not the other.

Sometimes the hard thing and the right thing are the same. - "All At Once", The Fray

"Akane... think carefully before you answer this. Would you rather be right... or happy?" - The Taming of the Horse

My thoughts are coming to me in fragments, and I can't articulate them, and every thought seems more and more ridiculous. I don't know if I can do this. I've been overly emotional all week; looks like it's going to last for another one.

(Father just came into my room to say hello.)

I think everyone needs to be reminded that I'm hardly a saint. I make the wrong decisions, I regret my good decisions, I'm happy with my wrong decisions, I do the wrong things, I don't do the right things often enough, I'm not kind enough, I snap and raise my voice when I'm upset or offended, I cry when I feel left out, I'm not as nice or as fair as a lot of people out there, I'm unable to satisfy everyone at once. I try so hard to treat others the way that I want to be treated, but I do believe that often times, I'm a disappointment to everyone but myself.

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mood: unwell
music: Bed of Lies - Matchbox Twenty

just like me, you've got needs
and they're only a whisper away
and we softly surrender
to these lives that we've tendered

i tried to be more than me
and i gave until it all went away

I have discovered another strange complex of mine: when I'm upset or something's gone wrong or someone is unhappy, I'm quick to put the blame on myself. I wonder why. Is that part of a guilt complex? I dunno. Even when I know that nobody blames me, I'm always there, blaming myself. But I guess that's better than being blamed for things by other people.

One thing I really do hate is when I don't understand myself or my feelings. Not being in control.

You know what else I hate?--the kind of hate that brings one to tears. Yeah, that kind. The fact that I can never make everyone happy. The fact that every time I try to do something to make one person happy, it ends up upsetting somebody else. Always. Everything. I think this is the theme of my life, quite possibly. I try so hard to satisfy everyone around me, but no. Somebody is always upset. I think that I frequently forget that while I live on this seemingly eternal plane of happiness, not everyone has reached that plane. Not everyone will. But. I just want to help everyone reach it. Is that so wrong? I suppose that is circumstancial. But I don't care so much whether it's right or wrong; I care that it's never successful. Helping one person always seems to just bring down another. Why must it be like this?

This is what brings me to tears.

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I need a vacation. A long one. Preferably one that lasts for a couple years.

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It disappoints me that I sometimes understate my feelings on here. I guess that while I don't care so much about offending people, I care a lot about how my friends perceive me. I guess that makes me more selfish than anything. How repulsive.

Carnival yesterday. Yep, Michael was there. Notice there wasn't an exclamation point in either of those statements? Yeah, well. Yeah, I saw him. He looked less scruffy than he has the past few years, and he still looks like my m... But. The...the magic is gone. The sparks and the racing heart and the burning cheeks and the funny feelings in my stomach have all vanished. I think that loving him is so...innate, so in me, that I still feel pleased at seeing him, but I can't claim to be in love with him still. This is kind of life shattering. But, I don't know. I don't really remember how I felt towards him last year at the Carnival. I'm having a hard time figuring out how I feel, though. When Millie said that he'd be there, I was really excited and figured out an outfit that I really hoped would look nice and asked Jayne for her straightener and all that. When she said he might not be there, I was pretty disappointed. But upon seeing him... I dunno. I still tried to look at him, still ached to go where he was, but... It's just. Seeing him wasn't magical anymore. Is my body just going through the motions when my heart has already put my love for him away?

But. Jayne said that Amy pointed me out to him and he looked over at me a few times and said something to her. He knows I was there, then. And he saw me. That makes me happy. Maybe I forget what it was like liking him; what it was like to find just the thought of him with me on his mind for a brief five seconds to be...really special. I dunno. I looked really good; I hope I at least got a little appreciation. I suspect the aloofness may have something to do with my newfound confidence and independence and all that. I dunno. Maggie kept saying, "Why are you dancing like that in front of Michael?" and for a moment, I was confused about why I wouldn't; but then I remembered what that life was like. What it was like, living for this one person, so conscious of every movement, every word spoken, everything. What it was, living to impress this one boy who claimed to hate me, who was probably frightened--or at least a little wary--of me, who would never look at me in the light that I wanted to. And it's just...amazing, really. Amazing and I want to say kinda pathetic, but I remember the feelings that motivated me to do so, and I can't call them pathetic.

So I danced. If he thought I was weird, then, well, nothing I could do about that, yeah? If he never liked me, then it's his loss, yeah? I still adore him; just his name being mentioned still makes me smile. But my feelings are mere ghosts of what they used to be. And I guess that's okay. Well. It'll have to be. I wonder a lot, what it was like for him, to know that I liked him so much, for so long. I once asked my cousin (two years younger than me) what it was like to have girls like him and if they annoyed him or anything, and he said that they didn't annoy him, it was just kind of a weird feeling. I liked that. Although I guess it's a little sad to amount to nothing but a "weird feeling" in the mind of a boy who I nearly dedicated two and a half years of my life to, it's better than the other options. ...I still can't believe it was New Person who made me give up on him. How ridiculous is that! Oh, well. It all worked out in the end, I guess.

More about the rest of the day later.

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mood: bummed
music: Your Heart Is An Empty Room - Death Cab for Cutie

Sometimes, being a girl really sucks. The other day, Diana was talking about how one of her friends is such a girl, always worrying about pointless things and expecting people to understand the things she implies and a bunch of other stuff. And the other day, Mark implied that it was ridiculous to dislike someone you like/used to like for not liking you back, and it was just so...logical. I dislike being a girl because half the time, none of my feelings make any sense, even to myself. I dislike being a girl because of the irrationality that comes with it, the overanalyzing and the underestimating. I dislike being a girl because I'm constantly worrying about people's motivations behind things and overanalyzing people's actions and reactions and getting upset over stupid things. Though I suppose, all that could just be blamed on just humans or just my own personality. But I don't know. It seems easiest to attribute it to my gender, something I can't exactly control.

After the AP English Language & Comp test yesterday, Mark went to Quiznos with Kelly and Mag. (They were walking a few feet away from Di, Jayne, Mindy, and me.) Jayne suggested going with them, but I guess I misunderstood her tone as derisive and thought she was mocking me for wanting to go with them (Mark and I don't see each other in person very often). So I threw a little fit and decided to prove her wrong. And well, I was a little sad that he'd gone to them first; not that I disapprove of him hanging out with them or anything, but just... I dunno, Jayne and I always ask him to lunch and to hang out? I don't know. It's kind of irrational to be upset about that, I guess, but that's what I mean about the girl thing!

And today, I was bummed because he and Jayne got lunch together, and apparently Jayne'd invited me, but I hadn't heard her, so now I look like a mean idiot. ...Yeah, it seemed really depressing about an hour ago, when I was throwing a fit, but now it just seems ridiculous. [sigh] Amazing what doing distracting activities can do for ya. ...That sounds way more sexual than I meant it. I just played some Wii, that's all. Oh, yeah. We got one. Or, uh, Mother's college friend got it for us. It's...it sounds kind of stupid, but I think it's really going to help improve family relationships. Every weekend since we got it, Mother, Jess, and Father have been having a blast just playing WiiSports. Just listening to them laughing and yelling is just... It makes me happy for them.

Anyway, AP tests are over! Bio was way easier than I'd expected, kinda. I know I passed; I hope I got a decent score.

Mindy drove Di, Jayne, and me to Lee's Sandwiches (OMG, yay!) and I had yummy egg rolls, which I've been craving since forever. Mindy has wanted to hang out with us for a while; it's really random, but nice. It was cool having a ride for once! Then, she drove us to WaMu (and Diana explained why they called it "WaMu") and then to Spectrum, though we only went to Barnes & Noble. We spent 230958203 minutes looking for Jayne's amusing as hell book (Mindy found it; how suspicious) and looked at...well, books, haha. I love bookstores! We had a good time. I have missed Diana so, so much. I mean, I talk to her like everyday on the phone still, but it's just not the same. I've missed cracking up like crazy at her random ass jokes; she usually cracks them when we're in a group. So it was great, hanging out with her.

Last week, we had STAR testing so we had lunch every day of the week. On Wednesday, we ate at Crossroads and then hung out at Tilly's. We made Jayne try on girly clothes and then she chose guy clothes for us to try on. Kelly was actually really willing to do it, which was hilarious. Even more hilarious was that Erin really liked the shirt Jayne chose for her, ahaha. I found this sexy pair of dark jeans (they were skinny and I still liked them! ), but they cost $40 and I have, what, negative $203985023? There was also this little boy t-shirt that looked cute with my pearls, hehe. Anyway, that was fun. Then, Beth came and made Erin try on a billion shirts, and I laughed.

On Thursday, Jayne and I ate at Sushi Boy, and I giggled at the sophomore couples. Paulina is going out with David and Nina is going out with Kellen? Why is it that our grade seems to be the only grade almost totally lacking relationships? It's mind-boggling. Then, we walked to my house, and the sophomore group followed us, haha. Kellen was like, "Jayne, you live here?" and then she said no, and he was like, "Elaine does?" and we said yes, but I was like, dude, he knows my name? I used to have art class with him (...along with a crush, heh) Weird. And yesterday, Jay PMed me on MySpace adn was like, "You're bi? See you in orchestra on Friday". ...He knows who I am? So strange. I'm not used to being recognized, haha. And also, why did Adrian friend me? How does he even know me?? I doubt he remembers me from PV.

Speaking of PV, tomorrow is the Carnival! OMG. Haha, I asked Millie if she knew if anyone was going, and she was like, "I know Victor is. And Michael. Are you excited?!" Hee. I forget how everyone knows that I like him. I find it interesting that everyone seems to always imply that I still have this blooming love for him. I mean, I do still have that deep like... I dunno, love, I guess, for him, but why does everyone think that? Don't other people like...give up and get over people, especially people from middle school? Why do they think I'm any different? I wonder. ...I don't know what to wear! Diana said that I should dress like a total slut and pretend that I've changed a ton when I haven't changed at all, hahaha. I dunno.

Anyway, on Friday, Jayne, Mag, and I got Quiznos and then walked to Jayne's house. Mag got picked up to go to her conference, and I walked to school later for mine. LOL, at the intersection, I couldn't find the pedestrian button and was all confused for a few minutes until I finally found it on the other side of the pole. Mother made fun of me later (she'd been watching me from the front of the school), heh. I went with Mother to Sam's Club, and we bought strawberries! Then, at six, Kelli and Erin picked me and Jayne up to go to the beach! We went to Ralphs and amused ourselves, and then got lost on the way to the beach. ...All my rides seem to be getting lost lately, hahaa. I had four hot dogs, and I could've had more, but I didn't want to be a total pig. Jayne played in the water while I stuck my freezing feet in the warm sand, and Erin built this huge mound for them. It was fun, haha. Then, I had a s'more for the first time, and I didn't like the marshmallow part too much, but the chocolate was good. Then, Jayne and I froze to death while Kelli's friends played 20 Questions. It was kind of relaxing, in a freezing to death kind of way. Yay, beach. It's so sad how I hardly ever go to the beach, despite living like fifteen minutes away from it. Sigh.

Okay, I'm tired of blogging now. I haven't been feeling very reflective these past few days. More about the AP tests and other random stuff later.

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mood: inferior
music: I'm Late, I'm Late - Stan Getz

The one thing that sucks about formal dances + Myspace is how lousy I feel after looking at everyone's gorgeous pictures! I hate the moments during which I'm like...all this confidence and complacency in/about my looks is just some farce, and maybe I really do think that I'm ugly as shit.

The other day, Vin wished me good luck with the second portion of the STAR math test because apparently I looked really worried/stressed/horrified during the first part, and it was really cute. I think somewhere deep inside me, I miss those guys who tried blatantly and tastelessly flirting with me freshman and sophomore year. Somewhere very deep.

I also miss being able to take good pictures of myself. They're all so unsuccessful! Am I getting uglier or something?! Or just more unskilled? Wah.

AP Bio test tomorrow, and I hardly even care anymore. This is terrible.

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mood: kinda tired & nervous about the AP test
music: Fall Away - The Fray

For once in my life, I made a good decision. Jayne and I had a blast at Prom last night.

We played WoW for like four hours beforehand because we're nerds, and then she came over at like 4. We cooked rice and unagi (eel!) and miso udon noodles! Okay, it was mostly me cooking and ordering Jayne around the kitchen, but yeah! Yep, we cooked our Prom night dinner. We called it "ghetto prom". I'd wanted to take her out to my favorite sushi restaurant, but both of us are kinda in debt, so heh. Oh well, it was yummy. Then I straightened my hair with her straightner (OMG, my hair is gorgeous when it's stick straight! ) and we oohed and aahed at the results. I tried curling the ends while she straightened hers, but to no avail. I fail as a girl. I've never been able to work a curling iron.

Then, she got dressed while took like half an hour doing makeup. It turned out really nice! Not too whorey (stupid (hot) Asian whore who did it for WF) but not too natural. w00t. I was damn proud of myself! And then I got dressed and made Jess take a bunch of pictures of us, yay! Father drove us to school to get pictures and there was no line because everyone was at dinner, yay. But that meant that we were like forty-five minutes early, so we went to CVS while Father had dinner at the Cafe, LOL. It was hilarious walking through Culver Plaza in a dress and heels. We looked at sexy (and ugly) hairstyles in some magazine and then poked around randomly. When we went back to the Bakery, Father and Mother made a big fuss about pictures (families are funny), and a bunch of customers looked at us weirdly.

Then, Father drove us to the Hyatt, and we got lost like three times before getting there, hehe. But it didn't matter, since we were like 2398205 hours early, anyway. Fashionably late blah blah. So I tried to give strawberries blowjobs--I mean, I ate a bunch of chocolate covered strawberries (yummy!) and look sexy while doing it. Jayne said it was horribly executed, and after asking her to tape it for me to see, I agreed. How depressing. We checked out everyone for a while, complimenting some outfits and insulting a lot of other ones; that was fun. Everyone was still at dinner, but I said, eh, fuck it, let's dance! So we danced. w00t. And that was pretty much the whole night. Yay, dancing! We totally freaked the whole time, lololol, but at least we weren't like... This chick next to us was totally being done doggie-style by her date, ahahaha. And like 23850239 couples were making out on and off the dance floor. It was hilarious. What was funnier was seeing people like John freaking, LOL. So incongruous.

Anyway, we had a great time, and I amused myself by placing us next to the Feeg Squad crew and flinging our gay selves in their faces. Jayne said Henry kept looking at us, heh. He also like, full on stepped on my foot and then apologized. It hurt, but I was just amused. Actually, what was the funniest was probably how all the popular Asians were having such a lousy time. The weird as hell dates, the guys being bored as hell and then going to dance with white girls, the girls being mad and running off by themselves... Heh. Only things that sucked were, well, the fact that we didn't have a group (everyone kept asking if we were the only ones from "our group") and the dumb new songs that the DJ played. He played all the good old stuff at the beginning and didn't even put on "My Humps"! Poo. Oh well, at least there were some of my other favorites.

My shoes weren't as uncomfortable as I'd expected they'd be, which was pretty cool. I did end up changing into my flip-flops anyway, since it was difficult--balance-wise--to dance in heels! Oh yeah, and I was like...total arm candy, which is ironic since I asked Jayne! The socializing was mostly just Jayne making jokes/saying hi to the 935203539 people she knew while I sat there and laughed and looked pretty (hopefully). Oh man, I never want to marry some really hot, really rich, really popular guy and be his arm candy! Haha. It was okay, though, I guess. We spent most of the time alone, so I didn't feel left out or anything really. Oh, Marie tried to separate us! It cracked me up because dude, first of all, neither of us has a penis so it's not exactly sexual (girls can't exactly have sex like that), and dude, like everyone around us was full on dry humping each other--and making out. Heh.

We were the last ones to get picked up, haha. Ghetto prom! So the teachers kept asking us why we were still there and where our ride was and blah blah. It was funny overhearing their conversation about the freaking and what to do about it and all that. Taping everyone and sending pictures to their parents? That's so stupid; nobody will want to go, then. They'll throw their own damn parties. Anyway, I still totally disagree with their no freaking rule (not that anyone follows it, anyway).

So yeah, I had a great time! Other than the whole going back on my word thing, I'm glad that I asked Jayne. There was zero awkwardness, zero clinginess, zero exasperation, and it was great. Except for all the ugly dresses. (...and Dan Pham. [shudder]) Oh, and the camera guy was like, "Cutest couple ever!" and it was really nice. And we danced to "All My Life" for the second time!

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I'm this close to giving up on Bio. Everytime I try to study, I end up not absorbing the information at all and then just falling asleep. I don't want to think about the AP test anymore, or how NOT well I'm going to do on it. I want to write blogs and watch Ranma and play WoW and write fanfiction and read Harry/Draco and watch Cars and sleep and eat and go out without feeling guilty. Gah!

If I don't study, I really am going to fail, though. There is absolutely no way I can write an essay about anything in Bio at the moment. (Though I'm not sure studying is really going to help.) I can't write about concepts; I can only memorize words about them. This is... Sigh. I don't want to kill myself over one stupid test. But I don't want to sit by and fail and get all angsty and jealous while Kelly and Mark get 5's, either. Long term studying just doesn't work for me.

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mood: at peace
music: Symptones - Stan Getz

I go around parading how much I love to write and graphic design, but sometimes I look at myself from an outside perspective and wonder if it's all just a farce. But then I look deeper, and realize, no, it's definitely not just a front. I really do love it. Today I was looking at my FF.net page, and it just... made me feel really pleased with myself. I mean, I'm hardly Cassandra Black or Frances Potter or Veronica Rich or MadLori or Aja or McKay or LFangor or Borath (and the list goes on...), but I'm Amphitrite, and I'm damn proud of what I've written. Mistletoe has a total of 66 reviews. Sixty-six fucking reviews for 2,000 words. That is insane. Ironically, that's hardly my best work. Thirty-five people favorited it, though. Regarding the more recent fics, the one that comes closest is The Perfect Date, with fourteen faves. ...Damn. I'm really proud of myself. And I was reading some of my stuff today, and I really like my style. It's very... I dunno, my writing style is very distinct, fanfiction and otherwise. Jayne and I laughed that from the first sentence of anything I wrote for the Benefit Concert program, it was just...so incredibly obvious that I'd written it. That makes me happy, somehow. I remember a lot of English teachers emphasizing how like, to be good writers, we need to establish a style, and that's always seemed so like... kind of bizarre, I guess? Like, how the hell do you create a style? Doesn't it just come to you? And yeah, it just comes. And it's great. Though I'm still working on the wordiness, blargh!

Today was pretty cool! I think it's amazing how like...how I look really affects how I feel. I wore a skirt! And pink! And sleeves! It was a new experience, heh. I liked it, though. I felt very So-Cal. History STAR testing was...haha, I don't even know how to describe it. I felt like I only applied the knowledge I earned from U.S. History to like...seven questions, and I merely used logic to guess all the other ones. I have this, "Oh, well, who really cares about this test," attitude, and it's really bad! Gah. TA is amusing, though. Vin and I talked about our bitchy sisters, examined each other's wallets, and then I insulted his genitals. Mark borrowed my iPod and said that he liked the Matchbox Twenty String Tribute stuff, which is really cool. And then he said he liked my music! How awesome.

In Bio, we played another tournament game thing and I got to the semifinals again. This time, I had no clue about my question, though. Oh, well. It would've been cool to win, though. At least I beat Hotaru and Jenny and...I forgot who the third person was. But yeah. Mark was like, "Elaine's beating all the Venadies today!" Well... I suppose the only time I ever will is in AP-review competitions, haha. But that's okay. I don't really feel inferior to them anymore, which is a huge relief. Oh yeah, Jenny and I matched, color-wise, which was kind of odd but cool.

The amphitheater is killer to eat in in this heat, but I love how none of us has suggested moving. It makes me happy. The other day, somebody was like, "Remember at the beginning of every school year, a bunch of groups always try to sit here, but we just keep coming, and they all eventually move out?" and it was just...amusing. And I'm really glad we have that, to be ours, in a sense. But even better is that we're not so attached to it that we can only hang out there. Today, during break, we all somehow managed to meet up in front of the restrooms. Every single one of us. It was kind of cool, I thought. And just standing in a circle, with me hopping around, Jayne insulting someone, Amanda craving some food, Kelly giggling, Erin talking enthusiastically about something, and Mag repeating something over and over again... It made me think, man, these are my friends; these are the people who have stuck by my side for what feels like a million of years, and well. I adore them to death. ...Damn, I miss Di. I played WoW with her yesterday, though. She taught me how to fish and we just sat there, fishing. OMFG, fishing is so amusing. How sad am I?

Everyone looked so nice today; it was so random! I was in a skirt (and kept accidentally flashing people my underwear, oops), Jayne was in her sexy monotone thang, Mag wore her cute drapey top. Mark spiked his hair [dies] and wore the clothes the Venadies got him for his birthday, and he looked really good. It was kind of funny because Jason came at lunch (he came yesterday, too, and we have fun) and I was like "OMG, you spiked you hair, too!" and hugged him, hahaha. (Can you tell that I really like spiked hair yet? ) Jane was wearing a cute dress thing, Priya was wearing the most gorgeous shirt/dress, Ashley was sporting her cool sunglassses.... Hrm. Can you tell I really like people looking nice? Heh.

After school, we dropped Kelly off and then Ramiro brought Jayne and me to the Spectrum to get her Prom clothes. She bought a sexy shirt and I bought a sexy tie that matches my dress but that I wanted to buy because...I want it. Turquoise + black = hottest thing in the world. [dies] OMG, we were at Macy's and I saw like...fifty different outfits that I just absofucking adored. There was this really hot ensemble like... This pretty blue shirt, darkwash jeans, and a sexy black jacket. I said to Jayne, "This is what my dream boyfriend dresses like!" and then she said, "Dude, that's what I'm going to dress like when I'm rich" and the absurdity of these two juxtaposed statements didn't strike me until five minutes later. It was only then that I realized how hilarious it is that I'd said my boyfriend and then she'd said she would dress like that. Hee, amusement.

Jayne let me borrow money to buy a new pearl necklace/earrings set to go with the dress, and she also lent me money for lunch, which was nice. Ugh, more money to owe people! We have no idea what we're going to do for dinner for Prom; we're both super broke and in debt. Sushi Boy? Eh, I should just make miso udon or something, hahaha. I'd wanted to take her to my favorite sushi restaurant, but it's kind of pricey. Gah! I need a job, now. I need to start applying for summer. It's too bad I can't drive. I need to take that test, or, well...learn to drive well before taking it, oops.

I keep seeing all these guy clothes that I really like. If I weren't so skinny and boobless, I'd get a bunch of guy's button-up shirts [dies] and wear them with jeans or something, because djafldkaf I see so many that I love. It's too bad I'm not a guy! Then I could spike my hair and buy sexy clothes and ask girls out and be hot! But instead of a sex change, I should just need lots of money and a boyfriend who will let me dress him up. Lucky, lucky Amanda.

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mood: conflicted
music: Girl Like That - Matchbox Twenty

Sure, I've grown up a hell of a lot, but I still need a lot of work. Especially on resolve.

I asked her.

I dunno. Oh, no feelings; no feelings at all. She asked why I changed my mind. I hate that. "Changed my mind". I told her I thought I could relate. Ridiculous? Maybe. I dunno. I thought, if he could do that, then I should be able to, too, right? I don't rightly know. I suppose another part of it is some bizarre form of paying a debt. She used to bring up how grateful I should be that she told Mark she wasn't going to ask me to Winter Formal a lot, and I hated the thought of owing her anything. Though I just realized, giving her a slow dance was payback enough. Hrm.

I asked Di. "I shouldn't ask her right?" and was so confident I wasn't going to. After I asked, I was...terrified about what she'd think. But you know one thing I love about Di that I always forget? She knows me. She fucking knows me like the back of her hand, and I never surprise her. My flaws never surprise her. She knows I'm dumb but try hard. She knows I don't just have healthy crushes, I get tided over by my affections and love for people. I guess what's always been special about Di is how aware she is of my imperfections, and how she seriously just...accepts me, despite them. She's known me at my very weakest. She's watched me pine over hopeless crushes, watched me act like a spineless wimp countless times, watched me struggle with myself and the people around me. And she's stuck with me. She's referred to me as her BFF a lot of times in the recent six months. I was terrified she'd be ashamed of me, but... The other day, she called me and merely amusedly said, "You're so mean to Jayne."

I know I am. Sometimes, it's on purpose. In situations like these, it's not. It's more like...a disregard for her feelings, I suppose. It's...very confusing to me. I wanted to make a friend happy. That's all. Or is it? Do I feel bad about how bummed she was at Formal? No, not really. That wasn't my fault. But did I have to try to keep her so close? I suppose not. I was a fool; I was trying to resurrect the connection she, Mark, and I used to have. How tactless. I find that I am not very skilled in tact. I've always prided myself on thinking about people's reactions before I say something, but I find myself often blurting out insensitive things to her. Or just...what-the-hell? things. Like at Kelly's that one time, I was talking about how successful I've been at warding off suitors, and I said loudly, "Yeah, see, nobody likes me right now!" and then hit myself on the head because Jayne was right there, LOL. Oops.

One heartbreaking thing: she told me how sad it makes her that everyone seems to enjoy this current thing so much, but was far from that when we were together. The injustices in this world are many. But you know, thinking about it now... I suppose there's the difference in that we were together, and there's less to tease about that, yeah? But knowing the kids, they'd do so anyway. I dunno. I have to give them credit; they did tease me when I was chasing after her. "You know you like it." "I'm not Jayne!" Sigh. Time sure does pass by quickly.

Duy's got me pegged as more of a romantic than I really am. This is disquieting. The guy's deeper than he seems, though. I told him yesterday that I really admire that he and Amanda have lasted this long, and he told me about how it's all about trying, trying no matter what. He said that a lot of people break up with each other like it's nothing, but you just have to realize that relationships are "a swing". Sometimes you feel like you hate your partner, or that you're bored of them, but those feelings are just your own fault. I thought that was interesting. And boy, don't I know it.

Today, I had lunch with Erin, Kelly, and Angela. It was quaint. I owe about a million people money. I despise my lack of self-control.

I'm totally not studying. This is terrible. I'm going to fail the AP Bio test! Jayne and I are going to Spectrum tomorrow to get her clothes for Prom, and then Kelly and I are going to study labs on Wednesday. I'm thirsty for alone time. Alone time during which I'm not compelled to study. I wish I didn't care so much.

Mr. Giuliano loves Jayne, Kelly, and me. It's great. I find it funny that being known for being friends with Jayne makes teachers like me more. Mr. Giuliano, Mr. V, Mr. Jacob... It's so very amusing.

I got a 107% on my math test! 97% without the extra credit (we brought tissue boxes for the math department), which is fantastic compared to all those stupid 80s. Getting an 85 up to an A is nearly impossible, though. Sigh. I think I will either cry or vomit if I get my report card for this semester and it has two B's on it. And that counts as three B's, because of damned block scheduling... Sigh.

I try hard not to think about it, but I really am really disappointed in myself regarding AP Bio. And I can't even blame it on the class, because Kelly gets fantastic grades in the same class. It's so frustrating to not be the best, sometimes. It's so frustrating to not even be near perfection.

Do I ask too much of myself? Why I must be such a perfectionist? It's not even that I'm so worried about college admissions or anything. I don't try to get A's for that, not really. I just expect a lot of myself. Why?

I would like that A in Pre Cal. I would like that very much.

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mood: okay
music: Chocolate - Snow Patrol

Apparently the other day, Mag and Jayne were talking to Kristina about Diana's boobs (and how much she adores them) and Kristina randomly said, "You know who's really flat? That Elaine girl in my Bio class."

...

LOL. Sure, I'm flat as all hell, but I've never thought of myself as the epitome of no-chest-ness. [cough] Keira [/cough] This is puzzling.

Also, we did a "tournament" in Bio to review for the AP test, and I got all the way to the semifinals! As Jayne said, I pwned Tarun, haha. All the achievers got kicked out of their beginning rounds, which I found incredibly ironic. ...And a little depressing for me, I suppose, as it put me in the other category.... Haha. I'm mad at myself, though; I was totally going to pick the answer to the one I missed, but I waited too long for the other person to say it wrong. Oops. Oh, well, I suppose. Getting that far was pretty cool. There was this randomass moment during which Furai was like, "Did you win, Elaine?!" all excitedly. Sometimes I forget how we used to to talk, how she used to come to hang out with us at lunch. How she's bought me Christmas presents for the past two years. Thoughtful ones too--CATCF poster (that's hanging on my wall right now) and Cars merchandise. Sigh.

In TA the other day, I was complaining/whining about Kelly not telling us about the Heritage Awards and I think Mag said something about people sometimes keeping things to themselves, and Mark said something like, "No, it's just 'cause Elaine tells everyone everything," and I suddenly felt incredibly self-conscious. I was all freaking out and asking if that was a bad thing, and he said that it wasn't, but I dunno, I'm kind of hyper-aware of that part of me now. Everyone'd always been all...like always pointing out how I didn't tell my friends things, I just blogged about them, so I'd assumed that that was a plea for me to tell them everything so they wouldn't have to hear about it from my blog? Maybe I misunderstood. I dunno, it used to be like... Oh, I'll only tell the people who seem like they really care, but then I felt... I felt like it was wrong to tell this friend this thing about me, but not tell this other friend, who is no less of a friend. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but yeah. I dunno. I hope nobody minds. I dunno. I still try to only tell people who are interested, kinda, but... Well, I'm kind of unsure about that, since Jayne used to only "lol" and "oh" at everything I said, but she was really adamant that she really did care about what I was saying. So I dunno. (Also, apparently people were telling me to shut up during this conversation. Oops.)

On Friday, Mr. V said that our row had the best rhythm. w00t! And when the snapping part of "Tudo Bem" came, Jayne, Ashley, Warren, and I were totally into it, totally jamming. It was awesome. And the other day, Mr. V was saying that whoever moved (since Joe, our Principal Second Violin, is like a freaking rock) during rehearsal would automatically get Joe's seat. Jayne and I high-fived (to the amusement of our classmates and Mr. V, hee) and now we move a lot, except it's kinda funny because in "Cole Porter Classics," we have a lot of eighth rests and I move slightly up but she moves down, so it's like a wave! Whee. Anyway, I've been having a lot of fun playing in Orchestra lately. Other than the crappy Sectionals, of course....

Sometimes, it's quite depressing how little people appreciate music. During the recent Performing Arts Assembly, which is like one of my favorite school days every year, the applause was scattered, the chattering nonstop, and the appreciation at a pathetic minimum. I welcomed Jayne's snarky anger for once. I thought everything was magnificent, I thought the music was great fun, I thought everyone was so talented. But everyone else just wanted to go to lunch. Jayne said to me afterwards, "Elaine, I'm really glad we go to all the Performing Arts concerts, because after seeing this from our peers, I think everyone deserves way more appreciation," or something to that degree, and I totally agree (rhyme!). It's just too bad. I really am glad that I go to all the concerts and games and everything, though. I mean, first of all, I go to support my friends and their hard work. But just as important is the appreciation of the music. And as I've said a billion times before, maybe I ain't got the talent, I ain't got the skills... But what I do have is that I really enjoy music, and maybe that's more than a lot of people can say.

Yesterday, Erin and Mark were lamenting how the audience for their in-concert thing would only consist of adults, since the SAT IIs are the next day. I told them I'd be there, tests be damned. I support my friends; I enjoy the music. It's that simple. Mark mentioned how the Venadies never attend any of his events (and he's got a ton of them), despite his invitations, and that makes me so, so sad. Well, I don't know. Am I an alien species of a friend, or do people just care less than they profess (omg, rhyme again!)? I don't know. I've always just been aware of the fact that witnessing a friend's achievements, the products of a friend's hard work, is just as important being there when he is troubled, when she needs comfort. It's...it's just an affirmation that you're there for them, no matter what the circumstance. You're there for them when they want you to be there. Hrm, I'm preaching.

Did you know that 90% of South Korea is Christian? Fascinating. It continues to bewilder me.

...I need to go read 300 pages (and write six analytical paragraphs), now. Yuck. More later! I think one more entry will sum everything up.

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mood: pleased
music: Goodbye to You - Michelle Branch

What a beautiful day. I have a lot to blog about, so let's go backwards, shall we?

Yesterday was definitely one of the better days of my life. I mean, you'd think, oh, ew, SAT IIs, yeah? But hell, even those weren't so bad. Math IIC was just... LOL, I have no words. I left about a million blank and didn't get to finish. Though I have to say, its "easy" problems were way easier than I'd expected. I thought I'd go into the test and be stumped on like, the second problem, but I was able to make it until like...#20 (and be pretty sure about my answers, too!) before I was just like... "Oh god, save me!," hahaha. Bio was pretty doable, though. I don't think I left enough blank, but I hope that it'll be okay. I hope I get a nice score for that one; when I took the practice tests, I got 730 (E)! It was weird, since Mark and Kelly'd gotten high 600s on the first try. Maybe I calculated wrong. But I'm pretty confident about that one, so I really hope I won't be let down. ...And I hope the Math score won't be too embarassing. I mean, I'm expecting it and all, but...heh.

I got to talk to Denise a little in between the tests. We discussed how the standards are going up like crazy, and how everyone's trying for that 2300 this year and bashing 2100s and hating their 2250+s. (She got 2280, I think.) Man. People are impossible. And Irvine is so freaking competitive. It really makes you feel like shit sometimes. But you know, I just laughed it off and don't really feel all that bitter. I think I've finally come to the point in which I'm just like... Hey, let the overachievers have their glory, yeah? Let them be competitive if they want to be competitive. I can't keep up, and maybe that's okay. I've got a lot of other things going for me, and I don't need a fantastic academic track to be a good person and a good friend. They do it all for college or their parents; I've always tried to achieve stuff just for myself; I work so hard just to satisfy myself. And you know, satisfying myself used to be about being #1, being The smart person, receiving recognition. But I've come a long way, and it's evolved--de-evolved?--into just...doing my best. Giving everything all that I've got, and, well... Being happy with the results if they exceed my expectations, and being disappointed when they fall below them. I dunno. There's a certain complacency that's settled over me about most issues, I think. Popularity, recognition, beauty, achievement, talent... All of those things I used to be so jealous of everyone for... Sure, it's still there. It'll always be there. But it's more just... Oh, well! now. I know nobody else may recognize it or even care, but I'm really proud of myself of growing up.

...Wow, tangent. Anyway. After the test, Mark needed a ride so we talked for a while while we waited for Mother. It was nice. I dunno, we don't really ever get to just talk in person, so it was different, but...familiar and exactly the same at the same time. I really hope that he gets the musical next year, and that his talk with Mr. Messenger will go well. He deserves it. Anyway, Mother dropped him off and then Erin called to invite me to go to Horn Improvement with Mark and her. How random, but nice! So they picked me up (after an outfit change, because sometimes I'm a total girl ) and then we got lost for like five minutes, trying to find the store. Mark claimed he had a fantastic sense of direction, except he was wrong. Ahaha, it was amusing. Since they were having a big sale, we had to wait in line for like, an hour or something. We had fun and talked a lot, though. It was pretty cool 'cause I don't get to spend that much time alone with the two of them. And Erin's dad still scares me, but since he likes me now, I'm a lot less intimidated, so it was cool talking to him. Last time, he told me that he missed us and that we're welcome to come over anytime we want. I felt really bad, and I hope that we can party at Erin's after the AP testing and all that. I want to hang out with Jason a lot before he graduates. Erin's birthday at Boomers was fun.

Everyone kept calling me about the plans for later, though. It was kind of funny. Anyway, after they got their stuff [I called Jess to ask if she needed anything for her flute and felt like a good person ], we went to Del Taco for lunch. Wow, it was a nice place. I didn't think I'd get anything, since I don't really eat Mexican food (it's all meat and vegetables!), but I got a fries and a shake, which was pretty cool. Yay, childhood memories of dipping fries in vanilla milkshakes! I've always loved mealtime conversations. I dunno, somehow everything just seems funnier when you're eating. After that, Erin and I got dropped off at the TMP movie theater--and tried one last time to convince Mark to come with us--to meet the other kids.

Everyone was sitting on the benches, and it just... I dunno, seeing all my friends there was like... I felt so fortunate, so lucky to be a part of this group. Sure, my friends are hardly saints, and damn, they've got their flaws, but... They love me for who I am, and I fucking adore them. When I see groups of people at school, I just think, "Man, you've got nothing on us," in terms of how much fun we have, yeah? Well. I'm just really fortunate, and so damn thankful. I whined about wanting pictures some more, so some people tried to placate me by taking a few. Yay! We waited for Di for a bit, and then just went into the theater to line up to get in to see Spiderman 3. After Di came, it was... Man, it was all of us there. Even Duy was there. It was fantastic. We've only hung out as like...a complete group, what, two times? The times that we saw The Da Vinci Code and Cars. Someone always seems to be missing, to not be able to attend, so it's really special when we're all there. I'm glad Kristine [and Diana] was able to come, too. Things felt incomplete without the two of them.

The movie was pretty sexy. I mean, during parts of it I was totally lost because I haven't exactly seen the two previous ones, but it was pretty cool. The romantic storyline was so amusing; I snickered a lot. I actually liked the drama between the two of them. Jayne was like, freaking out. Vocally. I kept having to pat her on the head, hehe. I teared at a lot of parts, but only cried at the part when Aunt May asks, "But you were so sure... What went wrong?" and it was just like...really deep, somehow. 'Cause sometimes love just isn't enough to base a relationship on. Just because two people love each other to death doesn't mean that they're going to work out, yeah? The villains were damn sexy, though. Diana pulled an Elaine and was slashin' it up throughout the entire thing. Okay, I was totally doing the same thing in my head, but come on, best friends are always so obvious. Ooh, Venom, too. Love/hate! [dies]

After the movie, we took a fountain picture (yay, with all of us!) and then went to eat at Pat & Oscars. $4 dinner, hooray! This is a huge improvement from $12, so I'm placated. Jayne and Erin got in an almost-fight thingy about Jayne wanting to get a fountain drink with her water cup. Erin wouldn't let her. Amanda had snuck away already, though. Diana ended up getting Sierra Mist for Jayne anyway, so it worked out. I felt bad for Jayne though, when she again brought up how stifling it sometimes is to have friends who are so good. Me, I'm just like... About things like that, I really don't care what people do. I don't think I have the right to impose any of my morals on other people. When people tell me about the bad stuff they do, I just laugh and say, "You're so bad!" I dunno. I just think it's people's own business to choose to do stuff like that. Maybe I wouldn't do it myself, but, doesn't mean I'm going to stop them from doing so? Like Kelly always gets mad at all the people who cut across the grass when we run the lap in PE. I always tell her, "Whatever, it'll be their problem when they're old and immobile and we're crazily fit!" Shrug. I can just see what Jayne means. It's tough, sometimes, and I'm sure it's tough for Erin and Kelly sometimes, too.

We sat at two booths, and I sat with Di, Jayne, and Kristine, and it was like... It was like old times, almost. It was kind of nice but kind of sad at the same time. I'm sorry that we don't hang out like that anymore, and that I seem more attached to the Band group now. It's funny how much friendships can change. Anyway, we walked over to Barnes & Noble later, because we're nerds, and it's awesome. Amanda had to leave, but Duy stayed to hang out with us, which was pretty cool of him. He talked to Kelly and Erin about anime and manga and stuff, which is cool. I think it's really nice of him that like... I dunno, to hang out with us all the time. I mean, I can totally imagine not wanting to hang out with my girlfriend's idiotic friends or something, but he's always come to Disneyland (he even bought a pass!) and random outings and it's just, I dunno, admirable? And well, it's nice to talk to him randomly. I feel like I helped him sort out his feelings and stuff a lot when he and Amanda used to break up and fight all the time, and it's just... I dunno, I consider him a friend. It's a good feeling.

So yeah, great day. I just had a good time, overall. And, well... SATs? What are SATs?





 



Yay!

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mood: confused and annoyed
music: Say It Right - Nelly Furtado

She wants me to ask her to prom, and it's the most obvious thing in the world. Today at break, Mag asked if I'd asked Jason yet, and I said no, I didn't want Jayne to be a third wheel since Andy said he didn't have enough money and Jennifer already has a date. Mag then asked why I didn't just go with Jayne. Oh, come on. As I keep saying, it's the principle of the thing. If she weren't so crazy and so obviously not over me, then I'd ask her. If I was just a best friend to her, I'd go with her. But the thing is, I'm not. I'm some deity that she's damn in love with, and I can't give her hope that I'm "relapsing" by asking her. I have to make sure I'm sending the completely opposite message--that I'm not interested at all. I try so hard to be bitchy to her and act unlikeable so she'll stop loving me so much, but it's just so...futile. And hey, it'd be great to go with her; we have fantastic fun together. But it's stupid to ask an ex to a dance when you are perfectly aware that she's still crazy for you--especially when you were the one who broke up with her.

But the obviousness of her wishes is just getting on my nerves lately. Hasn't she learned? The more she shows that she wants me to do something, the less I want to do it--the more I'll go out of my way to avoid doing it. Maybe it's not right, but if she'd been over me, I would've asked her after Mark rejected me. She's wrong; her being in love with me doesn't make me feel uncomfortable--more like, it just kind of annoys me. Why does it have to get in the way? I'd been so optimistic that our talk would totally just...get her over me. I was so excited; I felt so successful and helpful. I guess I forget that other people can't get over others as quickly as I can. She keeps bemoaning not being able to let go of me, and all the while, I just keep thinking about how easy it would be to let this current one go, with only the fact that he makes me ecstatic stopping me from doing so.

I dunno. Sometimes I'm rolling my eyes at her or lecturing her or something, and I feel like a total hypocrite. But I'm not always one--sometimes I just feel guilty because I'm exasperated at her for something that I used to do/feel. Like how she has been searching frantically for a date, and it's just like, "Why do you even want one so badly? What's so great about going with some random person?" and her answer is always something like, "It just is!" I suppose I could relate that to how before high school, I kept wanting to date someone, just wanted someone to want to be with me, simply because I was so insecure. Yuck. But now, I dunno. Other than the ego factor, it'd suck to be asked by some random person! But that's just because I'm so bad at conversation with people outside of my group of friends (hrm, you know, I always say that, but I've gotten way better this year; I feel good about myself, yay!), so I suppose someone like Jayne'd have fun getting to know some random person.

Anyway, I dunno. I... I firmly believe that I should not go with her as a date, but I can't help but... I dunno, Mark humored me, didn't he? And I got that much happiness. Would it be so wrong to give her that? But then I think, the situations are different because I've gone out with Jayne before, and I broke up with her. But then again, I dunno if I'm just making excuses for myself. I'd like to make a friend happy. The only problem is, I'm terrified that said friend would interpret it (if not consciously, then somewhere in her heart) as more than an act of kindness. Because I know for a fact that I am not the only person in the world prone to overanalyzation.

"Akane... think carefully before you answer this. Would you rather be right... or happy?"
- The Taming of the Horse

What's worse, spending a night with a dejected, moody friend while feeling proud of doing the right thing, or spending a night with a bittersweetly happy, clingy friend while feeling ashamed of giving into the soft, sympathetic part of yourself?

Also, it's a lot of money, and she thinks it won't be worth it without a date. I'm not sure whether or not I should be offended, haha.

Father came home today, and he bought me a Dior makeup palette. Dior. OMFG. And he bought Jess a Dior nail polish set. Awwwww... It makes me happy that he knows us at least that well. I always try my hardest to like...tell him thank you a million times and show him how much I appreciate that he thinks of us on his trips. ...I'm crying now. He almost always gives us something, and maybe sometimes I misinterpret it as him trying to buy our love, but I mean... He really does love us, and I guess this is just the only way he knows to show us that.

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