mood: not bad
music: Do Somethin' - Britney Spears

So Microsoft is trying to keep up with Google. The new "Windows Live Mail" thing they have going on is a large step up from Hotmail, but it's still nothing compared to Gmail. Reading articles about how Microsoft and Yahoo! are failing depresses me. Business is a nasty thing.

I had a nice weekend. Well, a nice Saturday, anyway. I woke up at noon, watched lots of Ranma, read fanfiction, wrote a random story, ate lots and lots of food (we went grocery shopping on Thursday), played Cars with Jess, and talked to people on IM. It was just really relaxing and nice. I feel like homework and events take up a little too much of my life now and I really need a bit to rest and recuperate. Spring break should be nice.

Monday morning, I woke up when the first bell rang because Jess is on break already and therefore didn't run around hollering for us to get up. Mother came to my room and was like, "Elaine, it's eight!" and I was like, "What?! Why is it eight?!" and got ready within five minutes and arrived at school five after eight. I've never been tardy in my life, so it was like...scary. But greatest coincidence ever: Mr. Jacobs was even later than me, haha! Imagine my surprise upon arriving to school in a flurry and seeing all of my classmates standing outside of the classroom chatting, heh. Unfortunately, in my five-minute-rush, I'd forgotten to put in my contacts, so I kind of had trouble taking notes. And it just had to be right after the one day I take out my glasses (to play Cars) and forget to put them back in my backpack. Oh, well. It happens. And that night, I stayed up until four preparing for my English presentation. Fun stuff.

The presentation went pretty okay, I thought. It was on Lord of the Flies, which is a lower reading level, but I've wanted to read it for the longest time, so I thought, what the hell. I really liked it and its lesson, but it...scared me. I'm still kind of creeped out. After reading the presentation fifty times, I had to watch an episode of Ranma to get my mind off the scary parts of the book. I'd never truly realized it before, but murders really terrify me. I think that, for once, I didn't speak too quickly. (Usually, I unintelligbly zoom through my speeches.) And after my presentation (I was the fourth one), Mr. Giuliano was like, "Wow, I can tell some people really prepared themselves well for this presentation; well done!" or something like that. I wonder if he was referring to mine? I hope I do okay. If not, at least I still have the comfort of the A+--A freaking plus!--that Harwood gave me last time. I felt like a total nerd when Mr. Giuliano was like, "So, did any of these presentations make you want to read any book?" and everyone was like, "Haha, yeah right!" Book report-type presentations always make me want to read like, every book. It's overwhelming!

Then, last night, I stayed up until 430 studying for an AP Bio test that I completely failed. Like...completely and utterly failed. No joke. Upon receiving the essay prompt, my entire mind went blank and I seriously just...started to make shit up. The prompt was about the menstrual cycle and hormones involved in it, yeah? At one point, I seriously wrote, "Follicle-stimulating hormone and luteinizing hormone are involved in this cycle." HAHA. And then I actually laughed at how ridiculous the essay ended up being. My studying habits suck; I was clueless because I'd reviewed the first two essays on the car on the way to school/at school, but I hadn't been able to memorize the last one thoroughly--or at all, really. Wow, and my scantron was abysmal. At one point in the test, I just started choosing random answers because I honestly had no fucking clue. Ugh. I'm really dreading seeing the results of this one. And I'm really mad because I finally got that dumb 88 up to a 91.5! How stupid.

And to make it worse, I got a B (83%) on the PreCalc midterm that I'd thought that I'd aced. I'm not mad about the score; I'm mad that I was so excited to see how great I'd done, and now I'm really disappointed. And there were 23 A's in the class. Again. Just like the first test. Ugh, way to make someone feel stupid. Oh, well, I guess. At least I got a 96% on the last test. I haven't given up on that A yet!

And SAT scores came out a little early--I got a 2020, which is 150 pts down from last time's 2170. Disappointing, but not surprising so much, I guess? Well, the score breakdown makes me mad, though. 720 Reading, 700 Writing, 600 Math. 700 Writing?! Why me?! I wanted that 800 so bad. Mrgh. And I thought I'd done so well on the math, but apparently it's back to 600. And Reading, just...what the hell happened?! Sigh. I guess I should've practiced more. Ugh, I'm a lazy idiot. Oh, well. I'll dwell on this another day; this one's been too disappointing without this to bring me down even farther.

But, I realized that my friends really do make my day. Even after that terrible Bio test, just laughing with Mark and Mag in TA and being silly with everyone at break cheered me up significantly. I told them that they were the sunshine that brightened my every day. And after school, Jayne came over and I cooked yummy spaghetti and we talked to Di on the phone for a bit. Then, we gave her a ride to Northwood and I dozed off and read Catch-22 in the theater (OMG, it's so my kind of humor; I love it!) while she rehearsed. Going there early actually saved me five dollars (since I was already seated by the time they actually started selling admission tickets!), so I must remember to thank Jayne for that!

Mark saw me and asked me to sit with him in the back, which was really nice. After he had to leave to get ready, I sat with Jayne, who was flirting with Michael Sears. Nah, he was just being creepy and she was being super friendly while giving me "help me!" looks--it was amusing. After the Wind Ensemble played, we went to the warm-up room to meet up with Mark and Erin, and then we all went back to the theater to watch the last two groups. I really want us to hang out; we have fun. Or, I have fun. I dunno about everyone else, hahah. And Jayne brought up that Jason's graduating this year, and I was sad. I will miss his hugs! And even his creepiness.

Today, in Orchestra, I listened to Matchbox Twenty songs on Jayne's V and played them on the violin. OMFG, so awesome and fun. I want the piano book of More Than You Think You Are. Oh, tomorrow is Festival! I hope we do well. My name is on the program this time, yay!

Hrm. I think I had something profound to say, but I seem to have forgotten. Damn.

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mood: pleasant
music: Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off - Panic! At the Disco

Yesterday was Amanda's birthday! After finishing math homework/studying for the test during our open first, Erin and I walked to Ralphs to get a balloon and cupcakes for Amanda. We had a fun time struggling with the self-serve machine and the massive balloon.

In English, we wrote school-required persuasive essays in the library and Kelly 'shhhh'ed Jayne. It was startling. Halfway through, I realized I was using the conditional and asked Kelly what kind of tense she was using. She had no clue. I felt like a nerd. But I changed all my tenses anyway. Jayne mentioned that her essay was like one of her blog posts, which was amusing (she was arguing for electives). After class, Mr. Giuliano expressed concern about Jayne using me to proofread her essays. (She'd told him that I type hers up for her, since she's grounded.) In retrospect, how amusing that he thinks that she'd use me, and that I'd let her use me in the first place. The fact that I do edit/proofread essays for friends is irrelevant. It's great writing practice, and I kind of...am compelled to fix errors when I read things, anyway.

Oh, we did the mile run for the freshmen fitness tests (upperclassmen are forced to participate, too) and I got 10:30, which I'm okay with. At least I wasn't sick with a runny nose, a bad cough, and no tissues like last time, when I walked most of it and got 12 something, hahaha. Kelly got 8:55, which is crazy, in my book. Oh, well. I'm probably the least athletic/fit person ever. You know how they always talk about lazy people who sit on their asses all day? Yep, that's me. Seriously, all I ever do is sit in this chair in front of this computer screen. Except for meals, getting dressed, and cleaning the room. But that's nothing. Well. I guess at least I'm getting out pretty often now. Now I just need to actually exercise. It's too bad my tennis skills are abysmal. I feel bad, because I think I'm weighing Angela down--we must be the worst team of our class. I hope that she doesn't care too much. She's a fun partner, though. Sometimes, I really like that many of the middle classies are so simple and ungirly. And somehow, I just... I feel less pressured around them. I feel less insecure. I dunno. My complexes are dumb.

In Orchestra, I got up the nerve to tell Andy that I liked his shirt. I'm still really regretful about what went down last year. He sat behind me in Orch, and left me a number of MySpace comments requesting that we talk more. I said okay, but neither of us ever got the nerve to say anything. He continued inquiring about why we never talked, and I kept saying that I would try next time. I was always too scared to start a conversation, though, and too scared that if I said anything, Mr. V might get mad at me. Eric and I know each other and say hi to each other now--and he sat behind me too! Why couldn't Andy just have said something! Why couldn't I?! And now he's like...Jayne's uber buddy. He really likes her. [sulk] And he totally knows who I am, and I totally know who he is, but we still don't say hi. It's always still really awkward. I wish I'd just freaking said something last year. I could've had another acquaintance. (A cute, well-dressed acquaintance, at that.)

After school, I rushed home to change--into the same outfit I wore for the Jazz festival, haha. But I like it a lot, and it worked with both the color scheme, the dress code we'd been given, and my love for my new tie. Mother was late as usual, and we had to pick Diana up, so we were like half an hour late to BJs for Amanda's birthday dinner. I hate being late! At least Diana spent the entire ride complimenting my outfit (and, of course, dissing my earrings), which is always really special. I had a yummy bowl of clam chowder, which was supposed to be a plan to save money. WELL. It turned out to be the one freaking day that the others decided to split the freaking check! What the hell! Diana and I were like, "...The one day we order cheaper things..." OMG. Oh, well. Maybe the tides are changing. Interesante. Kelly was really...adamant on getting to school at exactly 545 (her indignant, must-follow-every-rule is a little exasperating sometimes, but I guess we all have our idiosyncrasies), so we devoured the Pizookie we ordered within less than five minutes. Mmm, delicioso. Kelly made us pay the bill crazily fast and run outside to meet Dale, who we ended up waiting at least five minutes for, anyway.

At school, we wandered the theater and didn't really do anything for a while. At first, Hotaru split Kelly and me (we were ticket checkers) up so there would be an upperclassman at each door, and I was very...clingy, all of a sudden. It was...unprecedented. It was... Very... Startling. I think I am going to weep for days after Graduation. Well, I dunno, now that I think back to it, it's more like I was depending on her to show me what to do? I'm not sure. Anyway, it was kind of...gross how I started freaking out. At least she was like, "I don't want to leave you!" and asked Hotaru if we could work together or something. I dunno. Then, it was confusing because Avni started collecting everyone's tickets and then we did, before realizing that they didn't last year, and that it would make more sense not to. ...And also, now I have a huge stack of Benefit Concert tickets in my purse, because everyone gave them to me after we were finished. It's...blindingly green in there, haha.

The concert was lovely, though I'd seen half of the acts already. I had a good seat, even though it was on the stairs. I felt bad for all the people who'd paid and were forced to sit in the aisles, too, though. I hope that they at least enjoyed the show. I realized that although I may not have much talent, I really enjoy watching performances of the arts. Seriously. I mean, I go to all these concerts and stuff to support my friends, but I really enjoy just watching them, too. Unfortunately, this is an expensive hobby. Anyway, it's just really cool to see what my peers can do. And sure, I get a little jealous of their skills, but I can still appreciate their talent and admire them for achieving what I never could. Like Mark, for example: sure, I wish I was as talented as he is in so many areas, but mostly, I'm just proud of him and proud to be the friend of such an amazing person, because I know that he's worked really hard to have and be everything that he has/is today.

That reminds me: I'm mad at myself for being a... I don't even know what. During intermission, I reminded everyone to cheer for Erin during her saxophone performance, because that's just what I do. I was bracing myself to yell for both Erin and Mark, since Jayne couldn't make it, and I was really hoping that it would turn out well, since all of my previous attempts to cheer on my friends ended up...really feeble. Literally. Just...squeaking. I was so ready. But then the moment didn't come. Or maybe that's just an excuse I'm making up to cover up the fact that I lost my nerve. I was so mad at myself. I'm sure Kelly wondered what the heck happened, since I'd been making such a big deal out of it in the first place. Sigh; I'm an idiot. In the end, I yelled for Mark twice, which was fun. I felt very achieved, which is really sad, but exciting at the same time. Hooray for me.

After the concert, a lot of the SSR members left, so I was like "..." and convinced Kelly to help clean up. I even lifted two-chair stacks up and down stairs, which is nearly impossible for a weakling like me. But I felt like a good person, which was nice. Chris seems cool with me now, which is different. (It's a long story for another day.) Erin asked if I needed a ride, but I didn't want to leave yet, so I got a ride with Kelly. It ended up that Erin left the same time with us, so that was dumb. Oh well, Ty is so cool and nice, and Sara is, too. Man. All these kids with cool dads. Kelly even has two! And I'm...rather envious (not jealous, just...I wish I had it) of Kelly and Sara's relationship. Sigh; they're like... I dunno, they're so lucky to love each other so much and be so close. The entire intermission, Kelly kept saying, "I want to find my sister," and was looking frantically for her. I, on the other hand, was searching desperately for Mag, Amanda, Duy, Erin, and Mark. I still remember that one time I asked Kelly what she'd do if she won a million dollars, and she said she'd take all of us on a trip to Europe. Then she added that she'd take her family first, though.

It's always interesting to see people's priorities. Ever since moving to Irvine, I've been known to everyone to always choose my friends over my family. Mother uses it against me very frequently, but it's not something I can really deny. To me, it's just different that you, like... choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. I love them, but I don't love them the same way I love my friends. I love them because I just do--I can't really explain it because it's just in me; I love my friends because they have supported me, comforted me, and made me feel indescribably loved and appreciated. Maybe it's not the best philosophy, or the most logical one, or the morally correct one, but I've felt like this for many, many years.

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Jessica is getting a piccolo for her birthday. And two Chinese instruments. Because of her talent. I'm not jealous of her instruments at all; I'm jealous of her talent. I know Mother (sadly but) blatantly favors me over her, but it just struck me the other day--wow, she's got a lot of things that I don't have. She's got confidence, for one. She's constantly challenging the people in her band and has fought her way to the first row. For another, she's got talent. She plays flute well, is becoming pretty good at tennis, types faster than I do (though I think I've been fooling myself and everyone around me regarding that ), has always been able to figure out Photoshop and PHP and Flash and Dreamweaver and shit before me (which I don't like to admit either, because it prompts her bragging)... She's got popularity, which I hardly care about anymore, but I mean, I wanted it terribly badly once upon a time. And she's got it. She's also got the admirers flocking to her, which I also once wanted. Hell, she's prettier than me, taller than me, has a better figure than me (skinner legs but more of a shape--including more of a chest than me, though I guess that isn't hard), has better hair than me...

Wow, this is depressing, hahaha. Jayne's always said that I'm prettier, but I don't think so. I guess I've got more "cute", but I'm not exactly hot. Hmm, I dunno. At least I've always got my schoolwork, and I'm smarter (she's kind of clueless/ignorant), and well... I'm kind of a better person, haha. And, well, what matters most is that I'm happier than she is, and that's ultimately more satisfying than being better than her in anything else. It's not like I'm super jealous of her or anything. Hell, I'm not even jealous at all, really. The only thing I'd really be jealous of is the skill with computer art/design programs. It's just more...a strange sort of dismay? Like, how come she gets all that stuff, kinda? I dunno. I wonder how my friends compare with their siblings, and if they ever feel...less worthy than them.

Anyway, yesterday, Jayne's mom took us to Lee's Sandwiches again and then to shop for Amanda's birthday gift. Jayne and her mom...are quite frightening, really. They spend most of their time together arguing and her mom tells her, "I don't like you at all," very often. It's...really disconcerting. And it's like...not even a kidding tone or anything. I dunno. I don't really know what to do or say around the two of them when they're together, except laugh nervously. They are similar, kinda. Both are very volatile, at least. I told Jayne that there wouldn't be so much yelling and arguing between the two of them if she just not let herself be provoked by the slightest criticism from her mom, but the both of us know that she can never bite her tongue when provoked, so I guess it's something of a lost cause. I don't know. I don't really have any right to evaluate their relationship, I suppose. I told Jayne's mom that they're like Di and Nina, only Diana is way meaner to her mom, and Nina is a total doormat, and well, their bantering is like...affectionate, somehow. I dunno. It was interesting. But awkward sometimes, though that's expected when going out with a friend and their parent.

Jayne and I went into Hollister for the first time ever. It was freaky. We were both like, "No, you go in first! No, you!" and then we both went in and liked the clothes there. ... At PacSun, she tried on girl pants and a miniskirt! ...It was a size 0 skirt. And she fit in it. Freaking psycho. I don't think I can fit into that--but then again, I don't really want to, haha. OMG, there was this entire table of shirts that were totally me. $15 each, though. And then there was this perfect pair of black capris that looked awesomely sexy on me--40 something dollars?! Stupidly overpriced PacSun sucks. Lucky Jayne got the girl skinny jeans from there--for $9. OMFG. I want $9 jeans! But clearance racks hardly ever have anything my size. It sucks. Also, I wish my feet tolerated being in pain more. I keep seeing all these cute shoes everywhere that either don't fit my wide feet, look stupid on them, or hurt like hell. But I guess at least I prefer comfort over beauty. Though that probably just means that all shoes that I wear are just going to be really expensive, ugly, or both.

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What is being a good friend and kind person in high school, where the only things praised are popularity, talent, achievement, and beauty?

Today, I realized that I am inferior to my peers in many ways.

It is a startling revelation.

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mood: pleased
music: Ever the Same - Rob Thomas

Jazz Festival! Was on Saturday. Woke up at five in the morning, got to school at 630, and spent the next hour and a half wondering why the hell Mr. V told us to arrive then when there was clearly nothing for us to do. So I taught Jennifer about the whole judgerunning process (oh man, I hope I'm never a teacher; I stumble with giving instructions so badly) and then went to hang out with Mark in the SLG, the venue of which he was in charge. Judgerunning was pretty cool. I ran around and looked sexy in a green shirt (St. Patrick's!) and my brand new white tie, yay. I'm sad that I missed both IHS Jazz groups play, though! At lunch, Erin, Jayne, Kelly and I hung out on the floor of the theater. After Kelli arrived with food, Erin and I went to the SLG to hang out with Mark and give him his food. Yay, Wendy's. I tried tortilla chips with barbecue sauce, which was interesting.

At 130, the performances resumed and I laughed at Mark for sucking at some game on his calculator. After he left at 2, it was pretty boring. I even dozed off for a while. I adore Jazz, but after listening to it for six hours... Let's just say I'm still avoiding my Jazz playlist. I ended up going to hang out with Jayne, Jason, Benny, and Lane in the Student Center, which was amusing. Jayne kept trying to make them poke my super-padded boobs, heh. At 5, Jayne came over to the SLG and helped us clean up. Then, everyone else left while we remained in the room to watch Marbin's bike, and Mr. V came in and was all amazed and told Jayne and me that we were his favorite girls [for cleaning the place up perfectly], haha.

After a bit, we went back to her venue to help them clean up. Jason let us blast our music through the speakers. Jayne played Bright Lights and The Difference for me, which was so incredibly awesome! Jason asked me what genre Matchbox Twenty was, and I told him Alternative. He said it sounded like a cross between Rock and Country, which is interesting. But OMG, Rob Thomas's voice is so sexy. Jason was sad when I rejected him when he asked me to slow dance (It was You and Me! That's special! It'd be sacrilege!), so I ended up dancing with him to some other random slow song. Then, Jayne and I ballroom-danced while Jason's dad taped us all, haha. Then, I was lazy and just sat there while they cleaned up, though I eventually felt bad and picked up trash and stuff. Craving food, we went to the concessions area to find free food and ended up sharing a huge dish of nacho cheese with a bunch of random bandos. Tasted great, but was so unsanitary, haha. After leaving them with that and helping Erin and Gilda in the theater, we all collapsed in the band room. There was a disagreement about what to eat for dinner--everyone had different requests, though I was just kinda like, "I don't care"--and so Beth ended up just dropping us off. A little after getting home, I slept. It was only ten. Miracles of miracles! I ended up getting fourteen hours of sleep, which was great.

Monday was rather interesting and nice. In English, Mr. Giuliano immediately took Cody and Ray outside and talked to them about the "fag" and "faggot" shit they're always spouting, as promised. I beamed excitedly at Jayne the minute the door closed, haha. When they came back, they muttered to each other about how ridiculous it was and Ray immediately made a joke about how he was doing Cody last night. Mr. Giuliano was like, "Do you even hear anything I say?" (I hate that for some reason, guys doing each other is always used as "gross" humor.) Anyway, I sit between the two of them (lucky me), so I got to hear all their quiet conversation. Cody wondered who it was that had reported them, and Ray said, "Obviously it's Jayne; remember she yelled at me last time," and then went on to make some comment that included "fag". Tired of sitting quietly and letting them get away with their shit, I was like, "Don't ever use that word again," and then had to repeat myself because I can't speak, so I was even more annoyed. Ray replied, "Geez..." and I rolled my eyes.

Throughout the class, Tarun continued to make comments to Cody and when he was like, blah blah so gay blah, Jayne and I simultaneously told him to shut up. Cody kept saying shit, and noticing that I was obviously listening to their conversation and glaring at them, Tarun was like, "Just drop it, Cody; I'm serious." And to make things even awesome-r, Ray freaking apologized to me at the end of class. He suddenly turned around and was like, "Hey, when I said that word, I didn't mean it that way," and I was like, "I don't care how you meant it; it's offensive," obviously annoyed and condescending, and he was like, "Sorry, I won't say it again," and I was like, OMFG SCOOOREEE! (But more like, "Thank you.") It was damn satisfying. I suspect he only apologized because he wants to borrow my pens and paper and essays, but even so, he'd better keep his word. Well. I'm not so heartless as to not at least appreciate the apology.

Today, Bio was fun; Mark, Jayne, and I joked around and ate the cookies I brought while Mr. Jacobs lectured about embryos and fertilization and other boring things. I had to shut Jayne up a few times as to make sure Kelly wasn't annoyed, but she's always very obnoxious in all her classes. Oh, Mark was wearing a button-up shirt! I'm seriously a sucker for those. Hmm, I need to wear my blouses more. After trying on all of them for the Jazz Festival, I realized that I have a ton that I never wear. I want to get some with vertical stripes or something? Also, I wore my new black Bermuda shorts, which I really like. Seeing my flabby legs will hopefully motivate me to exercise more.

Earlier tonight, Kelly, Jayne, Jayne's brother Ryan, and I went to go see the District Honors Concert to cheer on Maggie's brother Paul, Ryan's friend Thomas, Mag, Erin, and Kelly's sister Sara. It was pretty cool. Oh man, I am so freaking jealous of those...nine-year-olds who can play better than I can. But we had a good time, so yay!

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mood: tense
music: Billie Jean - Michael Jackson

There are some things of the past that I do not like to delve into. I don't read the conversations Jayne and I had when we were going out; I don't read the arguments Mark and I used to have; I don't read my journal entries about New Person; I (usually) don't look at pictures of The Girl; I don't open Jayne's box of letters and other mementos; I don't actually open the stalker box anymore, either. It worries me a little that I am uncomfortable with these things. But I don't like the feelings that come with them, whether they be anger or sadness or annoyance or exasperation or resent or hopelessness or anything else.

Jessica found my white visor. It's sitting on my desk right now. It's the one that Diana bought me to remind me of Michael, who used to wear one all the time. I wonder if he'll even remember me, five years from now. Probably not, huh? How stupid.

I had a good day. More about it tomorrow?

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mood: hopeful
music: Irreplaceable - Beyonce

Hello, my name is Elaine, and I enjoy finding underappreciated treasures.

Today, Jayne mentioned something about me thinking really highly of myself. I was startled and told her that a lot of the time, my conceited comments are just for fun. She agreed, but then said that sometimes I really mean it. This worries me. Does everyone think I'm a conceited bitch? I really did only start saying things like, "OMG, I'm so awesome!" or "Wow, I love myself!" for entertainment, but I guess it became a twisted habit. And, well, since everyone was always getting annoyed at how insecure I was, I thought that I'd tip the scales and go in the opposite direction. But her comment made me think: maybe I've been going too far with it. I'd thought that my friends all understood the motivation behind my words, but maybe not. This makes me fear that my friends think I'm an arrogant, stuckup bitch. It reminds me of what people said about me in eighth grade.

It's funny how a few words can change your world. After that discussion/fight with Maggie, I just... I just became someone different, yeah? Oh, sure, I became a better person, but man, my self-esteem died. I find it odd that it took breaking up with someone to boost it up again.

Sometimes, I fear that I've become boring, now, though. I dunno. I used to be poor, abused, insecure, indecisive, antisocial, fearful, jealous, pessimistic Elaine. Now I'm still abused, indecisive, antisocial, and jealous but I've just...mellowed out, somehow. My friends have been too good for me. I've been too good for me. Now I'm just so...complacent and happy and optimistic and genuinely chirpy and it's just... I wonder if I'm not interesting anymore. I dunno. It's just that you'd think that a person with a lot of problems and personality flaws would be more interesting to be friends with and to talk to than someone...without them. I've always claimed to be the listening friend, but I find that recently I talk about myself way more. In fact, I feel like people don't really tell me things anymore. Or maybe it's just that recently, there aren't really things to tell. I don't really know, but I've just realized that if I don't make conversation, others often don't either, so it's not like I'm stealing the spotlight or anything. I'm not certain as to whether that's a friendship change, a people change, or just...me not being open enough to everyone? I don't know. I hope that everyone still knows that I'm here to listen if they want/need to talk.

I dunno, it confuses me. Once, I was telling Amanda something, and she was like, "So? Why are you telling me this?" or something. It was disconcerting, at the least. And Erin's become my new gushing friend, but sometimes she's very... I don't know. Her entire family is very defensive, somehow. It's kind of sweet, but kind of startling. Oh, well. I guess I just get confused by the dynamics of my friendships with everyone.

Also, it feels like some of my friendships have become static. Mag and I don't talk much anymore, and even when we do, I feel like we're both searching for topics. I dunno. Maybe I'm just paranoid. It's not like we've drifted or anything. I just feel like I've become closer to everyone else but remained the same with her. I think part of it is because of her schedule--since she misses lunch with us every other day because of her super early dismissal, we haven't had as much to talk; and since I have absolutely no classes with her, we don't get any new inside jokes or anything. It's been cool hearing about her new house, though. She says she likes a change of environment, so I'm excited for her.

Di and I have become kinda static as well, though it's more like the we've-been-friends-for-X-years-and-we're-close-enough kind of static. She still calls me for homework help, though, which is very sweet. She even calls me for math homework, which is just kind of dumb. Heh. But still very sweet. I wish I felt comfortable asking her for help, but... I still have a hard time asking for the help of people too far above me. I've become a lot better, but it's still difficult for me. Jayne and I became a lot closer during Winter Formal season, but now we're just kinda static again. Amanda and I are pretty static, but at least nothing's receding. It's cool having Comparative Religions with her because she kicks me when I start dozing off.

Mark and I seem to be interacting more in person now, which is cool, though our online conversations are pretty static. As in, like, not very existent anymore. I wish more interesting things happened to me so that I could tell him. We seem to talk the most when we have something to do for AP Bio, which is pretty sad. At least we're not drifting like we were last year, though, so I'm thankful for that. Though I have to say, I worry the most about him thinking that I'm boring.

Erin and Kelly I just seem to be becoming closer and closer with, which is interesting. I dunno. Kelly is very interesting to talk about personalities with. And just, like, idle chitchat. We ask each other how we are, how our days are, how our weekends were, what we're going to do next weekend, this funny thing one of our sisters said, how we're feeling at the moment, etc. And it's not a bunch of awkward conversation fillers like it was with Melissa, my tennis friend (who still greets me happily, which is always cute); it's enjoyable. And she genuinely likes me! It's exciting. I dunno why I feel that way, but it's just...different, in some way, to have someone think that I'm intelligent, fun, pretty, and enjoyable to be with. All the time. I dunno. I'm not giving my other friends enough credit. I think I just go through phases in which I think a certain friend is a saint for the mere act of liking me and showing it.

And Erin I've been talking to a lot lately. I'd always thought that there was some limit to how close we could ever be, considering our differing opinions on a ton of controversial things, but it's actually been pretty cool. I was sad that I no longer had US History with her, but now I have an open first with her, and it's pretty great. She keeps telling me that she loves me. It's very endearing. I've been hugging her a lot lately, which is nice. I think I've been starved for hugs. (Diana looks at me weirdly every time I initiate a hug. It's very odd.) I'm trying to hug Erin, Mark, and Amanda a lot more often. Erin is very receptive--she's initiating them and asking for them now, which is nice. Mark is pretty receptive--tolerating, at least. I hope I'm not being too...hug-gy or anything. He's a difficult one to read. Amanda just kind of stands there, but I guess that's okay. I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable or anything. Next up, Kelly! I don't know why it's kind of awkward to hug Kelly. But I'm going to work on it. ...I hope she doesn't hate hugs or something. In fact, I hope none of my friends hate hugs. I would feel so bad for intruding in on their private...area. Hahahhaha. ...Comfort zone. Intruding in on their comfort zone.

...English homework now. Blogging about the Jazz Festival later.

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mood: pretty
music: All At Once - The Fray

I freaking adore this song! What a lovely, universal story it tells. And the upbeat music is pleasant to bounce around to. "Sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same / We'd never know what's wrong without the pain"...

"So, are you an item now?" Haha. Phuong asks funny questions. But the romantic endeavor is going nicely--in that I am so blessed to find happiness in such little things so easily.

On the ride to Disneyland, somehow the topic got to Jayne thinking negatively, so I said, "Come on, you've gotta always look on the positive side of everything!" and then challenged them to give me situations of which I had to find the positive side. I admit it's kind of odd to be so optimistic and positive and yet so pessimistic at the same time, but I do kinda live with dueling feelings about everything. It's more like... I try so hard to protect myself by being pessimistic and expecting the worst because I really, really despise being disappointed, and yet I don't like to complain too much and weigh myself and the people around me down, so I also always try to find the positive side of not-so-great situations. I guess that's kind of weird, but it works for me. Perhaps the newer optimism is some obscure training to comfort my friends in their time of need.

Mark showed me the Benefit Concert program so that I could proofread it, and it's so exciting to see my name credited for something. Not very often am I acknowledged like that, so...yeah.

The Jazz Festival is on Saturday, and I'm excited! I'd wanted do a shift with everyone individually, but I guess that's not possible. Beth signed me up for the judgerunning in the theater, but I'm going to be there all day anyway. I have no idea what I'm going to do for the rest of the time, hrm. I need to talk to her about that. She said I could be a supply girl and run errands for everyone if I ended up with nothing to do. Hopefully, I'll be able to finish my NHS hours that day. Aww, it's too bad Mark and Kelly won't be staying the whole time! I was looking forward to that.

I just realized that I'm done with SATs. OMFG YAY! I feel like I should get an award or something. I'd always thought of them as these huge obstacles that prevented juniors from having fun and now it just feels like...nothing at all. I hope I did better than last time. Kelly is really anxious about her scores and keeps talking about them. It's kind of funny yet kind mildly exasperating, haha. But that's okay. School is really a huge thing to her. When we asked her what she'd salvage from her house if it was burning down, and she said...her backpack. Her reason: "'Cause you know, what if there was an essay due the next day?!" Our reaction: "...Kelly, if your house burned down, I think an essay would be the least of your worries." Ah, she's so amusing, heh.

...Okay, I'm done procrastinating. Time for English homework!

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mood: optomistic
music: This Fire - Franz Ferdinand

It feels like it's been forever since I last blogged! I suppose that's kind of sad, considering it hasn't even been a week yet. Oh, well.

So Friday night, Jayne and I went to eat with Erin and her family at Benihana's for her birthday dinner. Holy fucking hell, that stuff was so freaking expensive, and Erin and her parents wouldn't let Jayne and I share, grrr. We felt so bad, but they kept saying that it was part of Erin's birthday gift. Di and Nina say it's rude to protest too much (something about how it's disrespectful to make it seem like they don't have the money to pay), but it's hard for me to not feel bad! At the end of senior year, I'm going to organize some nice, big gift for Erin's parents, 'cause dude, they've been more than kind to us. Anyway, it was pretty cool. We told them it was Erin's birthday and sang to her and she got all embarassed, heh. They took a cute polaroid of us! I'll have to ask Erin to borrow it so I can scan it. After dinner (shrimp and scallops and calamari and California rolls and green tea ice cream!), we went back to Erin's and just chilled. We just lay around and talked, which was nice.





The next morning, I woke up bright and early to go to UCI to take the SATs for the second time. Wow, the desks really do suck there. We got to our classroom before everyone else, so we took all the big/middle-sized desks, heh. The test was okay. The essay prompt was less weird this time, so I hope my Writing score will be higher. That 800 would be nice to make up for my math score. Math seemed easier this time, but I hope I'm not just delusional. Also, the restroom there was really weird. It was this huge room with only one stall that took up half the room, and the weird twist was that the sink and everything was inside the stall. So there was just this huge empty space. It was really strange. Anyway, after the test, we split to go home for a while and well, to do homework, in Kelly's case, hahaa.

At four, we headed to Erin's for her supermega birthday party, yay. We played WiiSports for a little while and then they played Trauma Center while I shrieked, grossed out by the stitches and wounds and well, the whole surgery concept. The entire time, Kelly kept saying, "I wonder if that's the thyroid gland? Oh, look, it's the stomach! Is that the liver?" and I realized how nerdy she really is, hahah. We played with the stuffed animals that we all brought and Diana scorned us for being four-year-olds. Kelly made a bunch of hilarious "Pooh" jokes and whenever I'd say, "Where's Pooh?" about her stuffed Pooh bear, she'd be like, "In my rectum!" and then I made fun of her for saying "rectum" instead of like, asshole or something.

Then, Jason joined us and around six-thirty, we went to Pizza Hut for dinner. Diana won a bunch of rubber balls, which brought upon a ton of double entendre jokes, yay! After dinner, we got dropped off at Boomers and Erin's parents bought us Twilight Passes and a huge bag of tokens. I did the go-karts for the second time ever (finally, I didn't cry!) and was...really slow, hahaha. It was kind of frightening still, but not too bad. We ran around earning tickets and playing arcade games and attempting DDR and getting our money eaten by the stupid machines. Before we left, Jayne, Kelly, Maggie, and Jason rockclimbed and then we all played Laser Tag. Jason creeped Amanda and Mag out and hit on Jayne, me, and probably Di and Erin. He said that me cracking my neck and this thing I did with my mouth were hot and I was amused so I made fun of him and Jayne being all over each other some more.





After dropping Jason off, we went back to Erin's and she opened her gifts and we had yummy cake and stuff. We watched Borat, which was kind of awkward since it was with Mag, Amanda, Kelly, Kelli, and Erin. Wrong crowd, much? Oh, well. At least Erin fell asleep. Jayne, Di, and I giggled even though we'd seen it already. Then, we talked for a bit and then had to sleep because we'd have to get up early the next day. Since they've both been after busy days, the last two sleepovers have had no juicy revelations, oh no! Haha.





The next morning, we woke up bright and early and had breakfast in bed/on the floor and then got ready. This was one of the coolest parts of the day: getting ready with everyone. There's an amusing hierarchy of girliness for us: Amanda went to get ready first, then I went, then Mag and Kelly went, then Erin, and throughout all of this, Jayne was still sleeping, ahaha. And when she finally woke up, Amanda and I were still getting ready, heh. It was cool to see what everyone did in the morning. It was even cooler to use Amanda's straightner, which had a large plate that worked awesomely with my hair. It was so straight and gorgeous! So maybe I don't need some super expensive iron after all; I just need one with a wider plate!

We ended up heading to Disneyland, where we met up with Duy, at around eleven. It was crowded and hot, though I wasn't drenched in sweat like that time for Kelly's birthday last year. Since we were on a limited schedule, we only hit Mulholland, Screamin', the Rapids, and Haunted Mansion. Mag and Jayne went on Tower of Terror but Erin and I chickened out at the last minute, which exasperated Mag and Jayne. We got Jamba Juice, though! It's exciting to get discounts with my annual pass! Jayne and I shared a tasty mango smoothie. Erin's dad picked us up and then we went back to her house and watched part of Howl's Moving Castle. I missed the end because I fell asleep, oops.





Oh man, what an exhausting but nice weekend. On Monday, I hardly had anything to say to my friends since I'd spent over twenty-four hours with them, haha.

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