mood: pretty awesome, considering I'm stuck in a flying box 209385038 mi above sea level
music: Manha De Carnaval - Dextor Gordon

I like Stan Getz's version better, but oh well.

So on Wednesday, Erin called to ask if I wanted to hang out, and I said sure. Erin almost never organizes events, so I was like, wow, cool! (She later said that her mom'd encouraged her to, haha.) She called Mag but wasn't able to reach her, and I called Mark, who said that he could do something but it depended on what we were gonna do. Called Erin back and she suggested the pool, and I said okay. I was already on the phone with Di, so I asked her if she wanted to come (since she'd been dying to go to the pool the day that she'd bought her new swimsuit), and she said yes. I called Amanda (she's been wanting to go to the pool for a long time) but she said it was too late (she likes swimming in the sun), which I expected, but I thought it'd be nice to ask just in case. Then, Jayne called and said that she was back in Irvine for a day before they'd head out to NorCal again, and she asked if my Internet was working enough for me to play WoW. When Mark said he couldn't go, we invited her (I am trying my best to make this all work the way that makes everyone the most comfortable/happy, and I hope I'm doing it correctly. Oh, I still need to blog about it all, heh ), and Beth picked us all up and dropped us off at the pool.

We had a good time fooling around in the (piss) water and ridiculing Diana for continually drowning in the five feet deep area (she's like 4'9", hee) and talking about WoW and racing on kickboards and playing silly games. It was quaint, but we had a good time. Beth--with Tina--brought us CPK, too! Tasty. (With an E!) Back at Erin's, Beth dropped Tina and Jayne (curfew) off while Erin showed Diana and me Oblivion, her RPG comp game. When Beth came back, she dropped Di and me off. I'm glad I went; I would've spent the whole day worrying about packing and stuff if I hadn't gone out. And it was good to see Jayne again before she left. And to see Di! And Erin! Yay!

Dear god, I need to use the restroom, but there's been fucking "turbulence" for like three hours!

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mood: refreshed
music: Cupid's Chokehold - Gym Class Heroes

OMFG. Bridge to Terabithia! I totally forgot how freaking fantastic the book was! I think I read it when I was like nine or eleven or something, and dude, it was like the first book to ever make me cry. (Other books include Animal Farm and Night--both of which are my favorites.) Di said that she cried at it, too, when she read it. We were all excited to see the movie, except we never did. So it was on the selection of movies on the plane, and I was like, "OMG, Jess, let's watch it!" Jess didn't seem to like it that much, but man, I bawled. Like. In an airplane. For like the whole last third of the movie. LOL, I'm such an emotional girl sometimes. But damn, that was a fucking awesome story, and I think the movie wasn't bad. It's going on my favorites! I'd forgotten how good it was. You don't see too many protagonists in PG movies dying, so I mean... Man, love love love. I have to get the DVD!

Back to recapping! 'Cause I've got like thirteen hours to blog, haha! And the airplanes have freaking electric plugs now! Am I totally behind the time or something? The last time I rode an airplane was 2002, I think! Holy shit, that's a long time. But yeah. PLUGS! How freaking awesome is that! This is like Elaine heaven. Without the sexy dancing girls boys and the hot boys girls at my disposal. As you can tell, I'm in a great mood. I love crying at movies!

So on Saturday, got a ride from Beth to Kelly's. Wendy drove Kelly, Erin, Amanda, and me to Anaheim stadium, and we tailgated! Which is always fun. And really yummy. It was like a party 'cause Dale/Wendy's friends came, along with their relatives, and Sara brought two of her friends, and it was just a bunch of people. It was fun. Wendy got this deLIcious spinach dip from Costco that we put on bread, and I swear I ate half of the jar. It was so freaking good. OMG, I seriously have to get some when we get back, aah! We also had yummy chips and hummus and a bunch of random hor...dev... however you spelll it. (No Internet to look it up. ) Then, Dale and Jim grilled these huge hot dogs (they were like double the length of the ones you ordinarily get, and Erin instantly said, "Jayne would have a field day with these," LOL). Dale told me that he'd been ready to bring me some grilled cheese like last time (hehe, white cheese in a hot dog bun is so funny but surprisingly good), but that Kelly'd told him that I eat hot dogs, and he was all surprised. Awww, Dale is so sweet, seriously. Wendy always forgets that I don't eat meat, but he's always making me special stuff, like that time he made me mashed potatoes and the grilled cheese last time, and it's just very nice and considerate. There were cookies and cake for dessert, but I was way too full.

After we cleaned up, we went inside the stadium, getting a free Angels cap on the way. Cool, free stuff! We had good seats again, and I had fun taking a billion pictures of myself. After a while, we got the fake Dippin' Dots, and I orgasmed over the deliciousness of it. LOL, I got vanilla and chocolate mixed, but then I got a craving for strawberry, and was all like... "Why didn't I just get Neopolitan?" Haha. Erin taught me how to cheer (I've always had trouble cheering; I always have to shout stuff), which was fun. Whooooooo! And we yelled, "Yea-yuh!" a lot, in honor of Jayne, LOL. But OMG, there was this little kid--he was like five--who kept shouting everything his dad yelled, except like...four times. It was really cute, until... At the end, the dad started yelling, "Take us to Hooters! Win so we can get free wings at Hooterse!!"... And then the kid started yelling, "Take us to Hooters!" and it was just... freaking hliarious! ...And I have to say, quite inappropriate, LOL. But hilarious all the same. I was expecting it to be kind of a hassle trying to entertain Kelly, Amanda, and Erin (kind of a ragtag group), but it was a really fun night. I liked my outfit, too! A white t-shirt over a red tank and denim shorts, with Jayne's red jazz tie that I borrowed because I thought it might be fun to wear--though I didn't think that I'd be using it so soon! But yay. Ooh, and it was funny looking back at the crowd behind and seeing like...hundreds of the same hat that I had on my head, haha. (They were free with the ticket.)

Theeeeeeen, on Monday, I went to the Spectrum with Di. We movie-hopped and watched Shrek the Third (I watched it again for her) and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Fantastic Four was so not as good as expected. And it was really short, too. Kind of weird. LOL, Di and I walked into the wrong theater during the tensest moment of the movie, and everyone was really quiet, and we were like, "Umm, I don't think this is the one!" and "But this is totally the beginning!" I feel bad, haha. We pigged out on a hot dog, a pretzel, Dibs, and a slushie. ...I love hanging out with Di. ^__^ After the movies, we went to V Generation and tried on like fifty different outfits. I found the skankiest skirts; OMG, they were so fun to wear! Except like, I couldn't bend over even the slightest bit, 'cause it would totally be flashing my underwear to the world. But seriously, I was wondering where some chicks (certain chicks, ahem) get their really tiny mini skirts when they're like stick thin (grossly so, ugh), and I was like, "Oh, look, skanky skirts." Haha, I have to admit, they are really fun to wear. Make me feel both totally fat and totally slutty, though, which isn't cool. And then Di and I tried on this piece of like...really skanky metal, and I laughed my ass off. Even funnier were these two really long, shimmery shirts, and I was like..."Dude, this could be worn as a fucking dress," and then... "Dude, I swear someone actually wore this as an actual dress to Prom." Then, I said, "What do you think Mark would've done if I had worn this to Winter Formal?" She replied, "I don't thik he would've had a choice." LOL.

After Diana bought like billion pairs of jeans and camis (which I introduced her to ), she treated me to smoothies. Like I said, I love hanging out with Diana! Haha. Nah, she's loads of fun. Especially when she like...has fun with me. I dunno, I still have some fucked up worship complex of her, and it's just always so amazing to me that she considers me her best and closest friend. Diana, who scorns everyone and everything in the world, finds a solid companion in dumb, lameass Elaine! I'm Asian, I read and write fanfiction, I make websites, I adore things like Yu-Gi-Oh! and Cars, I like boys way above my level and...girls in general--hee--... I dunno! I'm just not very cool. Aimi and Whitney, on the hand, are. And they're pretty and popular, too. So...yeah. I believe that I'm very, very fortunate to be so close to her. I mean, she calls me every freaking day! Like...multiple times a day! I hope she knows how much I really do appreciate her friendship, even though I always forget to call her back, heh. And you know, people may scorn WoW or whatever, but seriously, it's really brought the two of us together. I dunno, even though it feels like we're at this plateau of friendship that like... It's like we can't really get any closer than we already are, as friends? But it also feels like WoW has brought us even closer together lately. I'm really fortunate for that. Anyway... Enough preaching. Back to recapping, yay!

After smoothies and resting (I asked how she was feeling, and she said that she was dead inside, haha; poor dear ), we walked to H&M and Forever 21 and poked around. Not finding anything she liked, Di proposed we eat dinner. I got sashimi, yay! Di tried some, and she said she likes it better than imitation crab meat, so she tried to make avacado-salmon rolls, haha. Then, she got a cookie, and the creepy guy at the store was...really creepy. Meep. Then, we went to Aeropostale, which was having a humongous sale, yay! I love sales, except I always end up buying the items that aren't actually on sale. But not this time! I bought a new pair of white shorts (I've been looking for some for months!) with the twenty dollars I had left, and then I borrowed seventeen dollars from Di to buy this really cool green halter. (I showed it to Jess, and she fell in love with it, haha.) Which I feel totally guilty about. But but but. So cute! Wah. Di got some more jeans and some guy board shorts, and then we went to H&M so that she could find a bikini top to go with it, haha. I was extremely bored by then, since my feet were killing me so I was just sitting in the store, staring into space. I kinda wanted to call someone, but Jayne's phone hadn't seemed to be working in the Grand Canyon, and I didn't want to bother Mark by calling him too much. After Di got her top, we met up with Nina, and she dropped me off. Yay, new outfit.

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mood: okay
music: Nothing Better - The Postal Service

Friday morning, got up nice and early and headed to Kelly's house. Dale drove us to Disneyland, and on the way to pick up Amanda, he swerved like crazy to avoid this person who was backing out of some driveway! It was freaky! After Mag and Jayne got their blackout tickets (We all helped pay for Jayne; it was very sweet how nobody protested ...I paid for Diana's bit, but she ended up not coming, so I paid twice my share even though I have the least money.... Why does this always happen to me?), we waited for Duy (commenting on how he's always waited hours for us). Then, we headed off for our usual morning--Space Mountain fastpasses, Astro Blasters (Jayne pwned got some super crazy score, as usual), Star Tours. Amanda and I got turkey legs for lunch while everyone got Pizza Port stuff, and I shared with Jayne and ended up sharing with Erin, too. Sharing is caring. Jayne and Erin talked about Drum Major stuff some more, and Maggie and Kelly mutilated Amanda's turkey leg and then ate it with their hands. How barbaric! Hahah.

We did Space Mountain and Big Thunder Railroad and Indiana Jones and Haunted Mansion (for Jayne; Maggie screamed as usual, and we laughed our asses off). We had pineapple floats (yummy yummy yummy), and I swear that it's one of my favorite foods/drinks now! I wanted some when we were leaving, and I was almost to the front of the line, but Erin made us leave 'cause her mom was waiting, poo. Then, I chickened out on Splash Mountain (even though I've been on it before! Why does this keep happening to me? It's just... Everytime we walked by the ride, and I watched the drop, I got more and more scared!), but Kelly went on it for the first time and said it was okay, yay! While they went on that, I went on the Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh, LOL, and it was kind of embarassing when the dad in front of me in line was like, "Oh, do you need to go ahead to catch up with your party?" and I was like, "Oh, uh, no, I'm here by myself, haha." Haha. Didn't really know what to do after that so I called Mark and luckily caught him on a walk, and we chatted, which was nice, since we rarely talk on the phone. Then, we had dinner at the New Orleans place, and Jayne and I shared some clam chowder, yay. Maggie dared her to put her face in the soup bowl and gnaw a hole through it--for a dollar--and Jayne did, and it was fucking hilarious. She had bread all over her face when she was done, hee. Sadly, Mag had to go. We got in line for Pirates and called her so she wouldn't get raped and then tricked her by pretending to be each other, haha! Pretending to be Jayne, Erin said, "What the fuck, Maggie?" and called her a cunt. It was pretty hilarious.

Then, we split up so that I could go with Jayne on Tower of Terror, and I tried to spell my name with the big CALIFORNIA letters, but people were sitting on/using the L and the N. Tower of Terror... Mrgh. God, I've been on it multiple times, but the past few times, I keep wimping out! I was terrified out of my wits--the thing is, I just always remember my only thought during the ride being "Oh god, please let it be over, oh god, please let it be over now" and being really relieved when it is over, and well, that isn't exactly a feeling I'd want to repeat, yeah?--but I wanted to go on it because Jayne said she hates going on rides alone, and ToT is her favorite D-land ride, and it was her last time there for two months, so... God, I was trying really hard to go on it. I wanted to. I wanted to, but I was seriously scared to death. I tried to overthink about it in line so it would seem insignificant, and it was totally working, until we got close to getting on the actual ride, and I just...couldn't force myself to do it. I ended up bawling on the rail, and some lady (I actually thought it was a kid at the time) had to ask if I was going to be okay. It wasn't a terrified sobbing. It was the self-deprecating type... I was so fucking ashamed of not being able to do this for my friend. God damn it, I was just trying to be a good friend, but noooooo, my fucking phobia of everything in the whole fucking world has to override that! Ugh. So I didn't go on it. Mark said that at least I stood in line with her, 'cause that's the worst part. Yeah, I guess. And at least she seemed to be pretty happy when she got off; she was laughing her ass off because some girl screamed the whole time or something. She said I'm never going on it again, in that voice, the fucking guilting voice. (I swear it's the voice that makes me do a bunch of shit I don't have to do; it's the one that makes me keep stupid promises when I shouldn't.) Hrmph. You never know.

Then, we went on Matterhorn, and Jayne got everyone to go on It's a Small World for me (it was my favorite when I was little). I still think it's really cool, and I discovered that the rooms are vaguely organized by continents. But I looked up and the ceiling was just...a ceiling with spotlights, so it kind of lost its magic there. After that, we went on Thunder Railroad again (and Indiana Jones? I really don't remember), yayy. And the carousel! I got a pretty white horse with a blue and yellow saddle.

I was kind of bummed that we didn't really go to California Adventures, but oh well, I guess. We had a good time. Too bad Di felt too sick to come, though! And Duy and Amanda were kinda off. But overall... I was so tired afterwards, though!

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Who the hell would buy a seven dollar straw?!

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mood: good
music: Too Close - Next


How slutty am I? :D


The beach picture, one year later. Jayne is much less happier. I am much more confident. A lot can happen in a year.


Man, Su's beauty seriously dwarfs the tiny bit that I have!


Elaine is a slut and Kelly is not.


Layout picture, much?


Elaine and Elaine! We are awesome.

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Mark and I hardly have any pictures together, so yay!


Sorry, Kelly.

Yay! I adore pictures. My memory's been getting so bad lately, and I just...really like how pictures remind me of all the great times I've had with my friends. And it's always fun to see how everyone's changed over the past few years. Which reminds me, Mark asked me to tell him my life story (again) today, and it was kind of interesting like...picking out the important parts of my life. We've been talking a lot more, and I really like it. I mean, it's just...very nice knowing that he's interested in all these random things about my life that I don't tell everyone because I don't think that anyone will really care. But when I said, "I didn't think you'd be interested," he said I was making assumptions, and I guess he has a good point. I'm still paranoid about boring him to death, but I'm working on it. But I guess I shouldn't worry about that too much. Diana's told me about a million things I did not care a thing about, but I still listened to her, and I don't think any less of her 'cause of it, yeah? He was sad when I told him I was leaving on Friday (although he doesn't think ten days is very long! I think it's a lifetime!), and he was sad. This makes me happy. I like knowing that I'm important to people.

I called Jayne today! Oh, the irony kills. Last summer, she couldn't stop trying to keep contact, and this summer, I can't even reach her. I assume she's still in the Grand Canyon, though I don't know why her cell doesn't pick up and why she texted me (to ask for Di's address and when I'm leaving) on Ramiro's phone. Di couldn't reach her either. Aw, I miss her. I miss Erin and Kelly, too! But I've been talking to Mark and Amanda and Mag online, so hooray for AIM. And of course, I've been talking to Di on the phone.

OMG, almost done with recapping the week. More tomorrow!

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mood: not bad
music: Yeah! - Usher

Soooooo. Thursday! Religions final wasn't so bad, due to some last-minute studying with Tiffany, Gilda, and Amanda. Pre-Cal...wasn't as fantastic. Oh well, I would get a B regardless of how I did on it, so I guess there's no point being too bummed over it. Yeah, I'm getting the B. Again. I promised Mark I'd get a 96+ in this class! What is my problem?! It's not even that I just completely suck at math, because I did get high-end A's. But I also got C's. Hrm, I don't really remember getting solid B's on the tests/quizzes. How weird. Sucks.

After the Pre-Cal final, I went to go hang out with Mark and sign his yearbook. He was playing viola. I still think it's so cool that everyone seems to be able to just pick up an instrument and attempt playing it. I just can't. I guess I'm too afraid of failure. This is bad. I also sold my Lit book to Jillian; how awesome! Uh, I hope I didn't lose her e-mail, though, oops. But yeah, that was enjoyable; better than trying to write something and being annoyed at the Venadies people who talk a lot for being loud while others try to concentrate on their finals.

After school, Jayne and I went to congratulate Sara for graduating from middle school and then walked to Jayne's house. I helped her clean the house and attempted to wipe her 'fridge, hehe. Then I played WoW while we waited for Mother to pick us up. I got dressed in a flurry, and Jayne and Mother made fun of me taking too long to decide on an outfit. We picked Kelly up, and then Mark called us to ask us to pick up some cards from Hotaru's house. I giggled at her street name because it sounds like something from the old princess stories I used to write, and we found our way there. Unfortunately, Hotaru's mom and brother couldn't actually find the cards, and both Hotaru and Mark's cells were off, so we were kind of at a loss. Luckily, they did find the cards after a while, and we headed off to the beach for the SSR beach party thing. I felt bad about making Mother wait when she was kinda busy, but yay for helping SSR, haha.

We stripped down, (or, well, I did, yay) and after chatting with people a bit, went down to the water. It was just me and Kelly and Jayne (who had like almost all our second semester classes together, so we've gotten pretty damn close ), and it was kinda nice like... We didn't talk that much, and it just didn't feel like we really had to. I often feel like I have to carry the burden of trying to keep everyone engaged and the conversation going, so it was...relieving. And it was fun. I love playing in the ocean water. It's so simple, but so entertaining, haha. And it was kinda cold, but not as cold as last time with Kelli and Erin and Kelli's friends, so yay. Then, we walked across the length of the beach, near the tide, and I had fun being a ditz/pretending to be sexy as I walked the sand in a bikini. Heh. Except I was super-aware of my flabby thighs, and Jayne kept saying that my ass was really fat. How unsexy. I'm a damn pear! Kelly and I had a fun time trying to secretly splash Jayne on the way back, hahha.

We went back to the SSR area--greeting about fifty million people along the way, since everyone from school was at the beach, too--and played cards with Angela and talked to Crissy and Chris. I'm glad Chris doesn't think I'm a bitch anymore. Then we had hot dogs, yay! Yum. LOL, Hotaru dropped her batch of like ten hot dogs in the sand and then went to the bathroom to wash them off, hahahaha. It was hilarious, but she was so cute about it, haha. After we ate, we just hung around and stuff. I don't really remember what else we did, actually, haha. But I took a bunch of pictures with everyone! At around nine, we helped clean up and brought stuff to Mr. Antenore's car. I gave Mark a goodbye hug even though he spoke like two lines to me the whole time, and then we waited by the restrooms for Wendy to pick us up. Oh, Dale had introduced Jayne and me to Kelly's grandparents as his and Wendy's favorites, hahaa. I doubt he seriously meant it, but it was sweet. I'm really glad I've become close to Wendy and Dale and Beth and Mr. Michel and Nina. It just... I dunno. They're just really cool, haha. And it sounds kinda stupid, but I consider them acquaintance-friends. I hope they like me.

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mood: a little melancholy and anxious
music: You're So Real - Matchbox Twenty

If only love were easy, and everyone was in it, and it was with the right person. But if love were easy, where would all our writers go, all our hope, and what would all our shooting stars and pennies thrown in wells be wished on? Love is never easy, and a few fleeting moments of blurred hair, a beautiful face, and a smile that defies everything is all that's needed to make us fall to our knees.
- Jayne

I've always loved this. It just sums everything up so well. If it weren't for love, where would all my hope go? Wishing on the night sky, on fireworks, on 11:11 (1:11 before Winter Formal), on pennies tossed into fountains and pools of water at Disneyland--hell, wishing on stupid chain letters in the old days when I needed all the hope I could possibly get--it's just...part of who I am. At Disneyland on Friday, we were watching the fireworks show while in line for Matterhorn, and I said to Jayne sadly, "Firework wishes don't work." We (all) went to Disneyland once when she and I were going out. We held hands as she watched the 50th Anniversary fireworks show for the first time, and as golden-red lights glimmered in the night sky, I wished that we would be together forever. This is one of the few memories about the time during which we were together that I remember very clearly. Obviously, that wish didn't come true. I try not to wish naive wishes anymore.

In fact... Giving up wishing for myself for Lent really changed...my life. I spent that entire time hoping that the problems between Mark and Jayne would be resolved. Practically every fucking minute of the day. Am I bitter about how that one didn't exactly follow through? No, just sad, I suppose. But really, giving myself over to wanting their problems fixed instead of just thinking of myself and everything I want all the time... It just...felt really good. Maybe to other people, on a scale of selfless acts, wishing for other people doesn't rank very highly. But for me, it's really a huge change. One step closer to... I dunno. Being a less selfish person in general, I guess. But seriously. After Lent, it was like, oh, time to wish for myself and my problems and my crush endeavors and stuff like that again! Except I found that I had a hard time coming up with stuff. Which was very exciting. I dunno. I feel like such a better person. (After Winter Formal, wishing for love stuff just seems greedy.)

I think I might start hoping for Amanda and Duy, though. Yesterday, they broke up. And it seems more official this time. Okay, so I've said that a million times. But they seemed really rocky at Disneyland (Duy seemed kinda pissy?), and Duy called me yesterday, sounding really distraught. I felt really bad because he asked if I was busy and I said I was shopping and then he said bye and hung up. He seemed eager to win her back when we talked last night, but I don't know if he'll be so successful this time. I...I've always said so much about admiring them and how long they've lasted and how they've tried to compromise and make things work and all that, but lately, I've just gotten the vibe that it's over. I dunno. Something just makes me feel like they're dragging the end on and on... Like Jayne and I did last summer, I guess. Duy's major flaw has always been how overprotective he is, and I think Amanda's had the last of it.

But this is all just theory. Neither of them would talk to me, but I told them both that I hope that things work out the way they want them to. Maybe it's not really my business, but I'm worried. I dunno. When you have that long of a relationship--two years and half? That's how long I liked Michael--it becomes integrated into your life, into your being. It becomes part of you. And that's where the danger lies. When it ends--what do you have? Who are you anymore? How do you cope with the sudden loneliness? I'm worried about how each of them is going to come out of this. Not unscarred, definitely. I mean, shit, Jayne and I bear scars that go damn deep, and we didn't even last half a year. But I guess it's quality over quantity. Duy's been Amanda's best friend in all of the ways that I tried but could not, so I really hope that if this breakup is THE breakup, they'll remain close. And Duy's so dependent on Amanda and her love; as his friend (because I do think of him as a friend now), I hope that he'll be able to stand up on his own two feet without too much difficulty.

Friends' problems always make you think. Everywhere I go, the happy couples are screaming their content at me. This stopped after Jayne and I broke up, but I guess it's starting up again. Great, I'm getting naive and hopeful and longing again! Doesn't that just scream Elaine getting hurt over stupid things? Ugh. Is my cynical side dying, or is my sappy side just returning after a long hiatus? Either way, after seeing a billion of those "happy" couples walking together, holding hands, at South Coast yesterday, I got kinda sad and wistful. Maybe it's dumb, but... Sometimes, I find myself starting to feel a little lonelier. I don't like it. I don't think I deserve to feel like that, when I am surrounded by such fantastic friends, when I have a loving family. But I guess I can't deny it. After you get something and then lose it again, you find yourself longing for that thing. There are many aspects of being in a relationship that I am happy to be without, but I miss the warmth. I miss knowing that I am on someone's mind as they go to sleep. I miss being someone that a person feels lucky and proud to have. Little things, I guess. But they were nice to have.

If I don't get in another relationship before senior year ends, I guess I'll just be glad that I was able to get the experience. I mean... It would be a shame to get into a relationship in college and be totally naive and hesitant to talk and all that. And you know, I'm really glad that it was with a friend so close, and that we were able to make our friendship last through all the tumultuous...stuff. I just... It would make me sad if it was with some random person that I didn't end up remaining close to, and I just... It would be really depressing to me if I lost my first boyfriend/girlfriend to high school, you know? I mean, just... I wouldn't want to look back and be like, oh hrm, yeah, first boyfriend? Yeah, Steve, hrm. Wonder what happened to him. I feel fortunate that it was with someone that I held dearly before we dated and still hold dearly now that we're no longer together.

I didn't really mean to go into all of this, but I guess better out than in. Now, back to trying to recap the past few days. Too much is happening!

(I wonder when I stopped proofreading my entries.)

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Damn, I'm exhausted. And I'm still going to an Angels' game with Kelly this afternoon.

So... Tuesday afternoon, we got lunch at Heritage (I splurged on a sandwich at Quiznos, oops...) and ate at Wendy's. We'd waited after school for the Drum Major results, so the entire lunch was pretty much spent discussing those. ...Vehemently. I felt bad for Kelly, who probably felt awkward about all the complaining. Jayne and Erin were throwing hissy fits! I kept trying to call Mark to get his side of the situation, but he wouldn't pick up. Of course, I didn't mind listening to their venting, and I felt sorry for them. But happy for Mark at the same time. It's very confusing, haha. One thing made me really happy though; Erin kept saying that Jayne should've gotten it. It was just really sweet. Seeing a friend supporting another like that... It was just really heart-warming. And especially lately, I've been noticing how supportive Kelly, Erin, and Mag (depending) are of Jayne in light of these recent matters (later), and I just... I mean, regardless of the issue at hand, I'm just really happy to see the friendships they have formed. I still remember a time when I felt like I was bearing the burden of everyone's connections to one another, but this year, I've really felt a difference, and I'm really happy about it.

After lunch, Mag left, and Kelly, Jayne, and I walked back to school with Erin to get her instrument. Kelly got picked up, and Erin, Jayne, and I walked to Jayne's house to hang out. Beth came over and--after talking to the two of them for a while about the Drum Major thing--ended up hiring Jayne and me to help Erin with studying for the Pre Cal final. So we did the math review sheet for like a billion hours--well, Erin and I did, anyway; Jayne just helped us with the ones we had no idea about. When she started working on it, she finished two-thirds of it in like fifteen minutes! Mark called (twice, actually) somewhere in there, and we talked briefly about the Drum Major thing, and he helped us on one of the problems and quizzed me on some Calculus stuff. Before and after all the studying, we Wii-ed for a little bit and played cards and helped Jayne pack. Yay for being productive while having a good time.

On Wednesday, I didn't have a ride home so I asked Mr. V if I could help with anything regarding the band playing at Graduation, and he said sure and that he'd holler if he needed anything. I asked Mr. A if he wanted me to help him carry the PA stuff to the stadium, and he said that it'd be great, so I did, and I'm damn proud of it! ...Yeah, I am extremely weak regarding physical strength, so it was quite an achievement. Mr. A scares the shit out of me, though. He was like, "You can't even open [the tripod]?" when I went up to him to ask something, but really I was just trying to ask him if he wanted it as tall as it would get. Then, I was embarassed as hell because I couldn't put the PA thing on the damn tripod (I'm too short and too weak to lift it like that), and some random clarinet guy had to help me. Then, I helped some guy (Aaron?) with some percussion stuff and then Mr. V said there wasn't really anything else for me to do, so I was kind of lost. Even though I was already in the stadium, I didn't want to pay $5 for admission, and I'd feel bad about just going to the stands without paying. But I didn't know where else to go because my stuff was in the band room, and I wanted to get coffee, except I wouldn't be able to get in without paying if I left. So I just sat under the tree, half in the blistering sun (the grass was wet) and watched the ceremony from a distance. It wasn't exactly the most entertaining activity, but oh well.

After the ceremony was over, I gave Jason a huge hug (last one! I like Jason's hugs because he holds people pretty closely and tightly) and then carried the thingy back to the band room. Mark walked with me, and we talked a little, but he left when I started talking to Erin and Jayne. Oh, well. Erin, Jayne, Gilda, and I went to lunch at Red Robin's with some parents, and I felt bad because Beth treated us. She'd already bought us In-And-Out the day before! Though I only got a milkshake then, yay. There was more discussion about Drum Major business, and we had some good laughs. Erin saying "motherfucker" in her squeaky martian voice is hilarious. Unfortunately, Gilda cluelessly accused Jayne of being jealous (though not of the right thing, I suppose), and there was an uncomfortable tense moment. But overall, it was cool, and the shrimp and onion rings were tasty. AND THE LEMONADE OMG. Freckled lemonade, to match my face, haha. It was really tasty. Yum, strawberries.

After lunch, Beth let us chill at Barnes & Noble for a little bit, and we looked at video game strategy guides because we're nerds. Yay! I read up on some WoW stuff, which was enlightening. It's too bad those things are like $25, because they seem easier to read than the fifty million pages of WoW Wiki online. Beth wanted to buy them for us as payment for tutoring Erin, but we absolutely refused. Erin convinced her to give us money for Disneyland instead, and while I wish she hadn't paid us, I'm at least glad that it was for a good cause. Then, we went to Erin's house to help her study some more, except I fell asleep for like an hour, and after watching the first ten minutes of Gladiator, we went home 'cause Beth had a dinner to go to.

Okie doke, more later!

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mood: trying really hard to be content
music: You and Me - Lifehouse

Gosh. An hour ago I was like super upset without even knowing why, and now I'm like...so damned happy, haha. I dunno. A lot of all of this started with Winter Formal, yeah? I mean, that was the catalyst, I guess. And I just... It's hard not to think of it as an evil thing when thinking about how it fits in with all of this. But I watched the yearbook vid and I just... I don't really know how to put how I feel right now into words, but... I have nothing to whine/complain about. Nothing. I'm going to be fine. I am fine. And I'm going to try to help everyone be just as fine--even more so than I already have. I keep thinking about myself and how I fit into all of this and I just... Gosh, it's not about me! It's not about how sad I am or any of that bullshit. At least, not right now. It's about eradicating the confusion between two friends. It's about helping friends deal. It's about trying to do everything that I can to relay my love to two of the people I care most about in the whole world.

Hope or no hope--in my pants or out of them...hehe--I've gotten what I wanted--what I wanted so badly for even longer than I'd thought. This is what matters. Awards, promotions to advanced groups, recognition--whatever, right? What I care more about--I've gotten it. Asking for more is just being greedy, yeah?

C'mon, get over yourself, Elaine! This is not the time for self-pity. This is the time to be a good friend--whether or not that is recognized. This is the time to step out of your idealistic fantasies and step into goddamned reality!

This is the time for me to stop trying to inspire myself and just go to sleep, clinging onto the good warmest memories I think I'll ever have. I'll deal with the problems when tomorrow comes.

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Maybe it's time to private this thing.

Who knows who else is going to be hurt by my thoughts?

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mood: excited but sad
music: Beautiful Girls - Sean Kingston

you're way too beautiful, girl
that's why it would never work

Too many things have been happening; I can hardly keep track of them all. With all these damn problems, I seem to have completely lost interest in school. Pre Cal final? What's that? This is terrible. I tried working on Religions today (in prep for the final), but . We got our Othello prompts today but I honestly couldn't care less. Ugh, I may be really sad that Junior year is ending, but I'm going to be damned glad to be completely free from even thinking about homework and waking up at seven.

So Michael friended me back on Facebook. Seeing pics of him going to formal dances... Damn. I seriously forget that he's just a normal guy, living out his normal life--I still have that weird complex that thinks of him as like... Like, no way he can exist out of my head! I guess that makes me sound a little cuckoo, but yeah. It's always tough when I realize he's actually...real. And he's talking to girls and liking them and maybe flirting with them and I... I dunno. Just looking at these recent pictures of him brings all these emotions bubbling to the surface. You know, I think a lot, what the heck was so special about him anyway? He was pretty damn ordinary as far as people go. Nothing. Nothing really made him special. I just made him into this fantastical being in my head. Funny how that works. It's also funny how now that I'm way more confident, instead of being like, "Oh gosh, I hope I made an impact on his life in some way and he won't forget me!" I'm like... "Haha, the idiot missed out on a damn good chance. Sucker!" Yay for confidence.

I was talking to Jayne about The Girl earlier today, and I started getting all defensive about her, and I just...really remembered how much I loved her. It was kind of startling.

Eh. Too tired to finish my thought.

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mood: stressed, helpless, hopeless
music: Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5

i need something to believe in
'cause i don't believe it's true, anymore, anymore
i wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
i still don't have a reason
and you don't have the time

Jayne said that I've been unhappy recently. I told her that that is both an understatement and an overstatement. It would be wrong to say that I am in a depressed, agonized state, because I'm not. I'm still laughing with my friends, I'm still asking about everyone's days and wishing everyone good luck on everything, and I'm still acting hyper and bouncy and stuff--or at least, I try to be. But I can't claim to be completely carefree and happy either, and there are times during which everyone expects me to be cheerylaughingdorky!Elaine, during which I just stare into space sadly, thinking about how everything seems wrong, during which I start to tear and want to just go home, sleep, and hope that all the problems will go away when I wake up. I suppose it's just a suppressed sadness. Not suppressed because I want to pretend to be happy or fine or any of that shit that the people around me seem so keen on, but just suppressed because I'm trying not to let it get to me. I'm not hiding my problems--I'm trying to convince myself that they're not worth stressing over, that I need to just focus on the happy things, that I need to remain happy.

Remaining happy has been my main objective ever since I broke up with Jayne. Ever since that night, I have been making decisions that will make me happy. Not anyone else. Me. I did what I needed to to truly end and get over the relationship. I didn't let her guilt me into spending more time with her than I wanted to/was comfortable with. I refused to let myself get mad at Mark irrationally before trying to explain/compromise. I rediscovered a hopeless crush and let myself indulge--and even hope--even though I knew it would hurt Jayne. I joined Jayne in talking to Mr. Giuliano about the homophobic shit Cody, Tarun, and Ray spouted on a daily basis and I told them to stop when they kept doing it. (I even received an apology.)

I didn't challenge anyone when I reentered String Orch, even though I know that I could've gotten a higher seating. I said yes when Mark asked me to WF, and I supported him when everyone decided to get on his case about things that weren't his fault. I didn't give up when I easily could have, because having hope was making me really happy. I tried to find time with the friends I wasn't as close with, the friends that were harder to hold onto, even when they weren't very forthcoming. I tried to follow Mark's advice but stopped when it was clear that nobody was happy with that. I asked him to Prom even though I knew he wouldn't say yes. I asked Jayne to Prom even though my friends voted 1-2 for that one.

And now it is all coming back to haunt me. And unfortunately, I don't think there is a solution to this current issue that would make me happy. I honestly don't know what do to.

Part of what's bothering me is that... Is that the one thing I did that truly set Mark off--it was based on a decision inspired by his actions. How fucking ironic is that?

I have so much acne right now. I don't like it very much. Why does the school year always seem to have to end on such terrible terms?

Last night, I dreamt of a sweet, warm closeness that, at this point in time, I don't think I will ever have.

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mood: sad and moody
music: Umbrella - Rihanna

you have my heart
when the sun shines, we'll shine together
told you i'd be here forever
said i'll always be your friend
now it's raining more than ever
know that we'll always have each other
you can stand under my umbrella

*

i'm standing on the edge
and i don't know what else to give
- Do You Know, Enrique Iglesias

I wore black today. Kelly asked me why. I said because I was sad. I am sad. I am very sad. For all of us. Also, I didn't wear makeup. People actually noticed. This is new. (I'm thankful, too. I started crying in Orchestra and Math, and smeared eyeliner would've been a pain to hide.)

Last night wasn't much fun, and today wasn't much better.

Mag and I talked for a long time, and I'm very grateful for it. We tried to figure some things out. She sympathized with how I'm in a tight spot, tried to help me analyze/figure out some things I've been confused about, and gave me some advice. Of course, I cried. But I suppose that wouldn't surprise anyone. She made me see everything in a different light--a light that I'd seen before, but that I had just suppressed and discarded as too irrational.

Then, I talked to Mark. Or, well, I tried to, anyway. About the same old stuff. And this time, I tried to... I tried to really talk about it. But no. I didn't speak up when he would've let me, and now he just wants to avoid the topic altogether, giving me absolutely no chance to explain myself, to try to make him understand my point of view. Because I understand his viewpoint--I may not understand his motivations, but I understand his viewpoint. Maybe I agree with some parts of it, maybe I disagree with others--but I get it. He doesn't get mine, though. And I think he misunderstands a lot about the situation. And yesterday, I wanted to explain it all, but he didn't give me the opportunity to. He just...cut me off or shot me down everytime I tried to say something. Wow, the one time I want to solve a crisis instead of evading it!

He says that the more we talk about it, the more annoyed I'll get. But I'm not annoyed. I haven't been annoyed all the times we've talked about it. Maybe frustrated a little, but with the situation, not with him. Well. I haven't been annoyed until last night. And that wasn't because he was talking about it--that was because he refused to talk about it! And when I even told him about how I'd been following his advice, he was just critical and then tried to drop it again and I just... I asked him if this issue was going to be this stupid fucking void between us forever. He said, "That's your call, isn't it?"

...

No words--and certainly no emoticon--can express how that statement just shattered me. Completely broke me.

I looked like shit all day, felt like shit all day, and all the laughing I did felt so fucking strained. My eyes hurt from crying throughout both of those conversations, from crying in the shower, from crying myself to sleep. I am so fucking sad, and there's nothing anyone can fucking do about it.

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mood: confused
music: Upside Down - Jack Johnson

My cousin and his parents came to visit yesterday. I was afraid that it'd be super awkward, but we both had a good time. (It's the cousin who said he really admires me.) We were able to talk a LOT, and well, okay, mostly I talked on and on, but he didn't seem to mind. I was actually kind of apalled/surprised at how much I had to say, haha. I guess it's just, like... The people I talk to pretty much know everything about me; there's never that much to talk on and on and on about, unless it's about something that happened or something like that. So it was pretty interesting. We talked a lot about school and standardized testing and high school and friends and the good old times and stuff. I found that no matter what we were talking about, I always mentioned my friends or a friend or...yeah. I became super-aware of how my life revolves around my friends, and how big of an impact they make in it.

We were talking about the stupid, crazy things we did as kids and like family events/gatherings and stuff, and he said that whenever he feels stressed or down, he thinks of those times, and he feels a lot better. I think that's the sweetest thing. We really did have a lot of fun, huh. I told Mother I was really glad that we were able to talk so much without it being totally awkward or anything, and she was really happy. She said something about how it's always been to her like... The family split, the dysfunctional rivalries... She's always believed that that's the adults' business, and that it shouldn't involve/affect us kids at all. She apparently told my aunt to see when my cousins Tim and Billy (the kids of the aunt who owns the huge chain of bakeries) were available so all us cousins could maybe have something akin to a reunion. It's not going to happen, unless someone passes away or something. I can feel it in my bones. Makes me so sad, though--I practically lived with them when I was younger. Family gatherings were so fun, so loud, so busy, so warm. Adults can be so stupid. Now we're never going to have any of that again. And anyway, what kind of mid-twenties guys want to hang out with their teenage cousins?

We talked about relationships, too. He was the first one in my family to know that I'm bi (well, I'm not sure about Jess). And he barely batted an eyelash. I was telling him about Jayne, and I stumbled for a moment because I had to correct him when he used a male pronoun, but all he said was, "Oh, that's right." I told him about the breakup and Mark and Winter Formal and Prom and everything, too, and I felt...stupid, somehow. I dunno. When you talk about liking someone to someone who doesn't know the person you like--especially when you don't use a name--everything just seems so... I dunno. Stupid to get so hyped up about, I guess. It was like when I told Duy about Winter Formal, and then asked him afterwards what he thought, and he was just so nonchalant about it, and I was like... "Oh."

But he said something that made me feel sad. He said he hates being single because he's an only child and gets really lonely. Apparently, his girlfriend (they'd been going out for almost a year) got mad at him because he was trying to balance hanging out with his friends and hanging out with her this one time, and after that just pretty much just assumed that the relationship was over, even though he didn't want it to end. He said that when he tried to talk to her about it, she just said, "My decision is made." He said he was over it, but that he misses it. That makes me sad. Hearing that, it's just... More reason to want to embrace the now, you know? The other day, I was talking about how people will regret missing out the glorious thing that is Elaine (just what I try to tell myself in the hope-less moments), and Kelly said, "Yeah, like the guy in The Sun Also Rises who regrets [something about lost love or something]," and it made me think. I dunno. I'm trying very hard to live by a "no regrets" rule. It's why I asked Mark to Prom, yeah? Unfortunately, the "no regrets" decisions just seem to lead to other regrets. How stupid.

Speaking of no regrets, I'm really considering joining Marching Band. Erin has been trying to recruit me ever since even before she was in it, but I've always fought back with the fact that 1) I have no rhythm for Pit! and 2) I stay up so late; waking up an hour earlier would only make me even more exhausted all the time. However. I do attend pretty much every single band event--I swear I'm there more often than the band kids are. Erin and Jayne were really persistent about it this year, and then Mark (separately) said that I should just join Pit, and Gilda and Jason both said I should... Everyone pretty much said, "You're there for everything anyway!" Aah, I dunno! I'd like to join, but I'm afraid that 1) I wouldn't get to hang out with everyone as much, and 2) I still have no sense of rhythm.

Today, Jayne announced to Mr. V that I might join, and he was really excited, which was kind of hilarious. He too said "You're there for everything already!" which totally made my day. I dunno. I like to be acknowledged. He wanted to stick me next to Jayne on the trumpet (oh god, he seriously thinks I'm her lapdog or something), but thankfully Jayne was like, "She was thinking more like...the triangle," and he laughed kind of scornfully, but it was funny. But haha, throughout the class, he kept saying that I should join. He pretended to play the trumpet, and then was like, "Elaine, the Marching Triangle!" when I was leaving and stuff like that. Haha, I laughed a lot. I love Mr. V; he's hilarious. Anyway, I dunno, but I think I have to make my decision like...now, haha. Agh. No regrets, right?!

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mood: disappointed but happy
music: Give It To Me - Timbaland

So the music awards were yesterday. Kelly picked Jayne and me up and we met up with Jason, Erin, and Mark at school. The ceremony was entertaining. Sadly, half of the people who received awards didn't actually attend it. How sad is that? And they were voted/selected by the directors as Most Valuable, Most Service, Most Outstanding, etc. Special my ass, haha. But we were all there, 'cause we're awesome. (Except Mag, who suckssss. )

Jayne received the Most Improved award for Orch and Most Service for Symphonic Band; Mark got a cool Drum Major trophy and Best Junior; Erin got a Director's Award for Wind Ensemble; and Jason seriously got eight awards. Crazy stuff! He deserves it, though. Sadly, his grades aren't exactly the best, and I'm glad that there's something he excels at and loves. I got to cheer a lot, which was fun. Again, I realized how lucky I am to be friends with such talented, wonderful people. Not everyone could brag that the majority of their friends have received some kind of award this year!

However, with the proud-ness (wc?) comes the disappointment and jealousy. Because after all, I am still Elaine--maybe not the same Elaine who cried when her peers implied that she was dumber than her friend, but still Elaine nonetheless. I really did want some kind of award. Did I deserve it? I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. But I think I deserve some kind of acknowledgement, at least. But nope. Nada. I kept deliriously hoping Mr. V would bust out some random thing for me, but I guess I give myself too much credit. I have to say that I am very disappointed. As I pondered it last night after the ceremony, I felt very sad that like... Well, I've done a lot of things I didn't have to do, and I just... Well. I suppose that's stupid. I should just be happy that I'm good enough of a person to help when help is needed. (I still have this kinda pathetic dream of receiving one of those award speeches in which the teacher calls me enthusiastic and says something corny like how I always walk into the classroom with a smile that brightens up everyone's day or something. )

However. My friends made me feel a thousand times better, and I didn't even have to tell them about being disappointed. I guess either I'm really transparent or they just know me really well. Jayne said, ": i'm sorry you're not ever recognized with any awards or anything elaine" and "i wish you won something too though". Not recognized with any awards or anything. That pretty much sums up my academic life, huh? Well. I guess not everyone is fortunate enough to receive awards, so I'm not exactly the minority. I guess I just want it more than other people, and that's why it always hurts so badly that I never get any.

And Mark said, "Maybe you'll get one next year, Elaine," and "seriously, i think you should've gotten a most service or something, at least in my opinion". Now I've talked to Jayne briefly about believing that I deserve an award, but not to Mark. I was really surprised when he said that--and really happy, too. I didn't think that he'd think that I deserved anything, but he recognized how I'd always helped and stuff. (Come on, over twelve volunteer hours for the Jazz Festival? And I'm not even in Jazz! And I didn't do it for the hours, either.) That makes me happy. And he said Mag said something to him about overlooking my talents. That makes me feel really special, too.

And when I was kind of sad but happy after the ceremony, Kelly said that I deserve the Best Friend Award, and I hugged her. It's... Recognition from friends isn't the same as recognition from teachers--but it still means a lot. Maybe even more, in a different way. At this point, I'm just thankful that they recognize the efforts I've put into something. And what Kelly said... I hope that my other friends think so, too. Because I really do try so hard to be... And you know, even though I can be really flaky, like Jayne keeps telling me... I try to always come through in the end. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But I really try. And that's what matters more than anything, right?

(Jayne made me her own award, hahaha. )

I had a good time at the ceremony, though. At the beginning, Mr. V asked for all the people who were section leaders this year to stand up, and I forgot that I'd been one, haha! But then I saw Jillian, and I was like, Oh, right, I led a section! I stood up, and I felt...very satisfied with myself. And very proud. Lower orchestra, whatever. I led a section!!! That, among other things, made me really happy.

After the ceremony, Mark's friend Kasie came up to me to ask if I knew where he was. I was surprised but happy. I dunno, I've always had this thing like...wanting people to know that I'm friends with certain people. It's kind of hard to explain, but like... I mean, it's always been easy to tell that Mag and I and Jayne and I are close. Everyone's just always known. But it always bothered me that not many people knew how close Di and I are. I dunno why, really. But it's kinda like that with Mark, too, so that was cool. Hrm, Su asked me about how Di is, though. That's interesting. I wonder if like... People that Di talk to more like...know? Like, I guess you can always tell who's closest to a person by the names someone mentions when they're just talking. Hrm. I'll have to ponder it further.

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mood: tired
music: Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5

So the party was a lot of fun! Nina dropped us off at Kelly's, we ate our KFC, and then Dale and Wendy drove us to the TMP EdCin for POTC3 (which I saw opening weekend w/ my family). They made me sit shotgun. I don't like to sit in the front very much. It's always scared me. Anyway, everyone put Jayne, Di, and me at the end of the row because we talk too much, hahaha. Jayne even warned the lady next to her that we'd talk a lot, but the lady said she didn't care. I hope we didn't annoy her too much. Oh, I had so much fun watching it, though! I spent half the time explaining the plot/the past movies to Di and the other half laughing with the two of them about randomass things. Also, I was able to anticipate the like...two slashy moments, and I got all pumped up and excited and stared at the screen with big longing eyes. (Okay, maybe not big.) The high emotional point end scene is THE slashiest thing in the world! Adore adore adore. LOL, someone onscreen said, "This is madness!" and Jayne burst out, "This is Sparta!" Funniest thing in the whole world. I laughed a lot.

After the movie, we walked to Buca and met Kristine, Dale, Wendy, and Sara there. Yay, we were all present! We got the same table that we had at Winter Formal, hahaha. So we all sat in the same places, except slightly altered. Jayne drew Mark in a tux for me, LOL. Dinner was yummy! And so was Adam serving us. Man, he is so cute! Erin and Mag were talking about how gay he was, and I was just like, "Who knows, but who cares; he's so hot!" We had a lot of fun, especially making fun of Mag about Mytchel and her other admirers, hehehe. Afterwards, we went to Kelly's house and played "Would You Rather...?" Ahahaha, Jayne had to come up with a question and we had to all answer the same answer, except I was the odd one out. She asked if we'd rather date Michael Embree or Alex. Everyone said Michael except for me, LOL. Oops. I'd put down Michael initially, but...Alex is in music! I love musicians! And then Kristine asked what kind of underwear we would wear if we could wear any kind, LOL. So random. Everyone said bikini except Di, who of course said no underwear, and Kelly, who said, and I quote: "wholesome panties". HAHAHA. Good times.

Oh yeah, Kelly's parents got her a bag of tissues, candy, and gum, hahah. I laughed. The Kelly necessities! And the expression on her face when she saw the thong was freaking hilarious!

Anyway, then Wendy told us that "the fire was ready" (I told her this sounded extremely creepy, hahah), and we went outside to make s'mores on the firepit! Pretty cool, even though I still don't really like marshmallows. The chocolate was good, though. Then, Jayne and Erin stayed outside while Kelly, Amanda, Mag, Kristine, and Sara watched House and Di and I went through the Would You Rather cards. That was pretty cool and thought-provoking. Then, we went through the cards as a group, which was even more thought-provoking. Sadly, Di and Kristine had to leave. So we then played Cranium, which was hard but pretty interesting. Jayne, Amanda, and I won! Yay!

There was a random ugh moment when we drew the factoid card, "Homosexuality is listed as a mental disorder under the American Health Organization" or something. It was a true or false question, and Erin was instantly like, "Well, it should be" or "If it isn't, it should be" and Mag was all agreeing, and I was kind of mad, but I held it in and just let them answer the question. They said true, but they were wrong (it was removed from the list in 1973). After a moment, I went to the bathroom to cool off, and when I came back, I wrote Erin a note that said something like "Please don't say things like that out loud. It's very saddening and offensive. :(". I'm glad I didn't throw a fit or anything, 'cause she was like, "Huh?" and I said, "The mental disorder thing..." and she was like, "Oh no, that's not what I meant at all!" and explained what she'd meant, something about what you'd expect the card's answer to be or something; I didn't really get what she meant, but she apologized profusely. I thought that was very nice.

I proposed we play Pictionary-Charades, and so we did. Wow, Kelly and Jayne are really good! They tied as winners. It was so fun though, hahaha. Jayne had to act out a clam and a poodle, I had to act out Jack Sparrow (it was so fun reenacting scenes from the movie, haha) and a wedding, Kelly and Mag acted out about a million things... Haha, it was a great game. We should totally do that more often. After that, we lay in bed (on the ground, whatever, haha) and I asked everyone random questions. Kelly and I were the last to fall asleep.

In the morning, Wendy made a yummy breakfast, and after eating, we looked at the pics I burned for Kelly while Jayne played controller-DDR. Erin's dad gave me a ride home, and I ended up spending the rest of the day at the Bakery because the Internet at home is acting up even more than usual. So yeah, I had a great weekend.

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mood: relieved
music: Do You Know - Enrique Iglesias

This is my new song! (I just typed "knew," ew. Heh.)

This post is dedicated to Mark, since he was so insistent on me posting something. And because he claims he's going to try typing the actual URL to this site--like normal people--instead of Googling "kaleidica lei" like a weirdo. I'm very proud. ...LOL.

...Oh god, I have a lot to talk about. Uh, let's go in sporadic order! What's the name of the type of organization that is completely random and not acutally...organized? Hrm.

So, what a fun weekend! Friday night, Erin, Jayne, and I attended Mark's choir concert. We bought tickets during lunch, and then after third, Mark came in to ask me if I'd gotten the tickets, and I was like, Oh shit! And he was like all exasperated 'cause he'd told me a million times to get them and I was like, oh no! ...And then Jayne was like, "WTF, Elaine, we already got them at lunch." And I was like...Oh, yeah. ...LOL. My friends are right: I'm a complete idiot. I mean, there's being a ditz, and then there's just being stupid, hahaha. But the concert was amazing. And fantastical! And splendiferous! Seriously, though, it was amazingly awesome. Man, our school is really lucky to have such great singers, and we are really lucky to be able to watch them perform! Mark performed a solo song and one with Amy, Alex, and Brandon, along with Chorale and Singers, and he did fantastically. Man, I still am amazed by his talent all the time. I was like, dude, that's one of my best friends!

I'm really glad Mark invites us to the choir concerts, 'cause I would've been so bummed to know that I'd been missing out on all this great stuff. And seriously, there's just something so amazing about like...I dunno, just the whole, making music with your voice kinda thing. Like, you are the instrument. That's just really cool, somehow. And I had the most random epiphany during the concert: I was suddenly like, "OMFG, I want to date a singer." Haha. But really, just being any kind of musician is already like so freaking attractive to me. It's kinda weird, I guess, but yeah. You know, everyone (except Kyle) that I've really, really liked has been a musician. I think that's pretty interesting. Maybe Mother does know what she's talking about with the whole...air of a musician thing.

Haha, during the concert, Jayne started conducting to the music, and then Erin joined her, and then I laughed at them for being total nerds. And Erin bursted into laughter during the last song, and I had to whack her to make her shut up. Which of course, she didn't, haha. We went to go congratulate Mark (unfortunately, I lost the bet I made with Jayne that we would only say hi) and I hugged him, and then LOL, these two little kids came up to him and were like pointing at him all excitedly. And then they asked for his autograph. OMG, SO FREAKING CUTE! After I squealed like a total girl, Jayne and I asked for his autograph, but he refused! But we're like his biggest fans! Wahh. So we want to buy a note thingy for a program next year, but we'll have to investigate to figure out how. Hee. Then, Mark left, and we talked to Mary for a while, which was cool. I've always liked that she actually made an effort to get my name after seeing me around so often.

After a while, we left for the front of the school to wait to get picked up, and I started humming one of Jazz I's songs, and Erin joined in, and we had fun. I felt very fresh and fun when I passed the popular Asian girls. And then, Jayne was doing Tai Chi, and this random kid stopped and was like, "Why are you doing Tai Chi in the parking lot?" So...random. Anyway, Erin's dad dropped Jayne and me off at my house (her sister was having a sleepover), and we worked on our author projects until three. Of course, she finished hers completely (she'd started off with less than me!), while I only completed a page. But it's okay; we were really productive! Pretty cool.

The next morning, I spent what seemed like an eternity trying to decide what to wear for Kelly's birthday party. Diana said that the outfit I'd chosen was too similar to a Sprite commercial. I was close to tears from frustration--nothing looked good (for once! haha, kidding)--which is so ridiculous but so believable, haha. Finally, Diana announced that she was on the way (I didn't have an outfit, my hair wasn't straightened, and I didn't have any makeup on), and I freaked out and threw on something random. It actually turned out pretty damn well, I must say. Diana said she liked it, too. So we went to the Spectrum to buy Kelly's gift. We walked like three feet into Tilly's, looked at the purse wall, and bought the present. No kidding. Diana was like, "Hey, how about that one?" and Jayne and I were like, "Yep. Let's get it." Hahaha. Pretty awesome. Then, Diana bought another ugly thong for her (it's a tradition, now! ), and we bought a pink shirt that seemed very "Kelly". I love how easy she is to shop for! She's the only person I would dare buy clothes for. Then, we had to walk really slowly because Diana couldn't keep up, but we eventually made it to Hallmark to buy a bag and tissue paper. The guy convinced me to get a card, so now I have an extra thing on my keyring, cool.

Okay, I'm really tired, and I think I need to sleep soon, even though it's only ten to one. So weird. I'll continue this tomorrow.

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mood: relaxed, kinda
music: The Indian Palace - Charlie & the Chocolate Factory

So, lots to catch up on!

So, my tumultuous Bio grade. Man... I am so incredibly lucky. So Mr. Jacobs posted the grades, and I went to check my grade, curious to see how I'd managed to get an A (as my progress report had claimed). Upon seeing the 89.4%, I started freaking out--he rounds at 89.5%! And grades were waaay closed. So I was like, OMFG NOOOO. Kelly managed to convince me to go ask Mr. Jacobs if there was anything I could do for that .1%, and he was like, "Yeah, that kinda sucks, huh," and told me to go look at my lab thing to see if there were any errors, since Skye'd graded them. Instantly, I spotted an error, and I pointed it out to him. He input the new score into the computer, and it raised my grade to an 89.5%! YAY! So crazy, haha. It was nice how Kelly and Mark were all sympathetic, though. Mark even gave me two hugs. I love hugs! That was very nice of him.

The other day, Jeff asked me about English homework, and said, "fucking GAY" when I told him what the homework was. Mrgh. Strike two. Again, I (lightheartedly) told him to not say that. He'd said "nigger" over and over again earlier, too, so I told him not to say that either. He was like, "Oh shit, I forgot I'm talking to you, and I can't use those words"...and then he said, "Fucking retarded." ...LOL. I was like, "Yeah, don't say that either". And I added, "Maybe you just shouldn't talk to me, hahaha." I said, if you mean stupid, then say stupid, but he claimed that he didn't mean stupid, that he needed a stronger word. I was going to start listing a bunch of appropriate words, but eh, not worth it. Well. I try. I guess some people just... Sigh. It's interesting, though. I think I will treasure that memory of Ray apologizing to me for using "fag"--and all the times he's apologized to Jayne--for a very, very long time.

Kelly? What does Kelly mean? And "change"? ...Yeah, I'm going down a list of things I wanted to blog about, LOL. I think that I get dorkier by the minute.

I dreamt that Mark had perfect pitch and that Mr. V/Mr. Jacob (somehow the same person?) gave me a citizenship award. How strange. I didn't know I wanted an award that much.

A few weeks ago, my cousin IMed me to ask about SAT prep and stuff. He said... He said that he's looked up to me ever since he was a little kid and that he's always found it amazing that I can do so much. It was... It was one of the nicest things anyone in my family has ever said to me. Definitely one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me (a long list that includes Mag's eighth grade graduation card message, Mark's Thanksgiving comment, and Erin telling me that I'm a really good friend). It's just... I dunno, there's just something so special about being told that you are respected, that you are admired, that someone aspires to be like you in some way. I will keep his words close to my heart for a very long time.

Speaking of nice things... Friday was the Jazz In-Concert. Erin's dad picked us up, and he asked me why I hadn't been at the Heritage Awards ceremony. I told him about Mother not allowing me to go and how she said I was hanging out too much and stuff. But then he said, "Oh, you mean you didn't get an award? I would've thought that you would have gotten one!" I laughed embarassedly and explained that I don't really stand out in any subject. Kelli was like, "What about English?" And Erin was like, "Yeah, I was surprised you didn't get one for English!" I shrugged and said, "I guess I'm just good, not like, stellar, you know?" And Kelli was like, "Mark says you're a really good writer. And you edited my essay really well!"

The whole thing made me really happy. It was so nice of them...and just, I mean, I don't think they were just trying to be nice or anything, you know? I mean... I don't know how to explain it, but it was so genuine that I just... I was very touched. And you know, maybe that's enough. Maybe I'm not stellar, maybe I don't stand out--but I am acknowledged. And even if it's only by a few people, it's something. And the other day... Mark said that I'm a good writer even if I didn't get an award. Maybe he's right. I suppose it's just... It's sometimes just difficult to feel very confident in my writing skill when overachievers who write just to get that A(+?) receive higher grades than I do. Well. If I enjoy writing, that's my business. Just enjoying something doesn't mean that I'm the best at it. It just means that it shouldn't matter whether I am the best at it, yeah? Hmm. I like that.

More about the Jazz concert, Jess, and Kelly's birthday later!

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mood: relaxed but tense at the same time
music: Breathe - Michelle Branch

I like catharsis-inducing things. Like showers. I always feel like a new person after taking a shower. It's rather pleasant. The shower is a great place to think, to daydream, even to study. No distractions. Too bad I can't do my homework in the shower.

The closest friends are those you argue with the most, yes? I thought about my best friends and the dumb things we discuss heatedly and couldn't help but be totally amused.

Diana. Oh, what a piece of art. Beautiful but terrible at the same time. Cutting. Once, we argued about how Jayne didn't like to play WoW with her. Jayne'd been upset because Diana hadn't helped keep her from dying a few times, and Diana had been adamant that she shouldn't be expected to be able to help, since she belongs to a solo class. Or something like that. I said that even though I thought it was mean, I could kinda get Jayne not wanting to play with her, since Di randomly ditches me just to amuse herself watching me getting killed. That evolved into an argument in which she made up a bunch of excuses for herself and was just mean. I don't remember what she said, but I remember being annoyed at her. It's been a while since that's happened; we've been getting along so well lately that it's just eerie. Although, I think, how well we're getting along balances with how unwell Jayne and I seem to be getting along, and how sporadically unwell Mark and I are. I suppose I'm just glad that I don't upset her.

She keeps calling me her best friend. It's... It's so touching. I mean, it's like, I've always known I'm her closest, but she used to say something about it like, what, once every two years? Not that I minded. I was absolutely sure I was her best friend in everything but title. But it's just nice, and it gives me a pleasant feeling of warmth and security. Surprising, too. And, well... I really appreciate that she's interested when I tell her about my frustrations. And the way she looks at everything... It just helps me to distant myself from my problems and realize how ridiculous it is to be upset about whatever's bothering me. Which is always really helpful. I still have this worshipping complex for her, though. I don't mind so much; it's just kinda weird when I think about it sometimes, I suppose. It's way behind me now, but Freshman year really was hell. I hope that never happens between us again, or rather, between any of my friends and me.

She said something interesting yesterday, though. It made me kind of sad. I was complaining about Jayne being mad at me for not feeling like hanging out, and Di said... She said that it's always bothered her how like... She said something about how I let Mag borrow money, but never let her borrow any when she needs it. I didn't really get that part. But she also mentioned how Jayne's always over, but I always say that she can't come over. I never knew she felt like... Like she was treated unequally. I felt terrible, and I still feel terrible thinking about it. Jayne said I don't let her come over because she steals stuff, but that's only half of it. I dunno. Di coming over has always... I always feel like I have to be a really good host to her, and I'm really bad at that. And she used to order me around and stuff, so I didn't like feeling obligated to be her slave.... And, well. Di...is always kind of a troublemaker when there's a doormat involved. Said doormat getting angry at her doesn't stop her, for sure. That's the main reason why. And well, I guess Jayne seems to come over a lot, but it's usually because it's more convenient for Mother (if we have events that she needs a ride to), and I guess Di only thinks that Jayne comes over so much because she did when we were going out, so it seems like she comes over a lot. But she doesn't come over that much. I really don't like hanging out every weekend; it makes me feel like my life is moving too quickly and that I'm not in control of it. Need the time to just sit back and relax and spend time by myself.

Which leads to my next point. (Yes, I actually made an outline of this entry. Am I sad or what?) Yesterday, Jayne threw a fit because after the SATs, I didn't feel like doing anything. Apparently, I've "always felt like doing stuff" after the previous SATs, so she just assumed that I would want to this time, too. I said not really, and she got all pissy, and started to blame me for making her think that I'd want to hang out, so that she hadn't gone out with her family. Wow. Most ridiculous thing ever. That is not even close to being my fault. I never even said I wanted to do anything. Oh, I was annoyed, but just like, Wow, I don't even care anymore. She's been doing this practically every other day, and I'm getting to the point where I don't even bother being upset about having someone angry at me. Thursday afterschool, she'd gotten mad at me for not feeling like having people over when her mom'd said yes, and Friday she'd gotten mad because her mom had said no and I hadn't said yes the day before. Wowwwwww. And then when I reached over to give her a hug when her mom'd said no, she shoved me away and said, "I don't want your damn hug."

Oh, I can take a lot, but nobody fucking shoves me. So I just ignored her completely, letting her annoyed words bounce off of me. Oh, so what was that about how she can't even hug me anymore? You don't want my hugs, then you don't fucking complain about not getting them. And you know what she said? "It's not like you haven't ever done that to me before." Shoved her? I don't shove people. I certainly don't shove anyone who's trying to comfort me. Didn't even bother replying. And if she meant it figuratively, well. Ha. That's quite a different situation, isn't it?

Sadly, the people who are the easiest to be friends with are always the people who aren't fanfreakingtastic friends. Jayne, for all her outbursts and guilting (this I cannot stand) and trying to always get her way and being pissed as hell when she doesn't get it, is still the unique friend who is interested in pretty much everything I have to say. This I appreciate very much. This sounds weird, but... Sometimes I wish she'd compliment me less. While it's really nice, and it's not like I'm one to turn down compliments, it's just...really jarring. My friends don't compliment me too often. Crazy as it sounds, I like this. It just makes the times when they do even more special, ya know? Like how Di's always calling me a stupid, calling me ugly, calling me a whore... But yesterday, she said, "You're pretty for an Asian right? I can't really tell, but I think you're Asian pretty." I mean, that's not like OMFG compliment in most people's standards. But to me, that's like... Wow, what a gem. Just 'cause Di doesn't do compliments like that, you know? It's just like... When we were going out, and Jayne used to say "I love you" all the time, it made me kind of sad. Things said too often just become so trite, you know? Meaningless. So it always makes me kind of sad that I always feel so happy when I think about my other friends complimenting me, but hardly ever dwell on Jayne's compliments, only because they come so often. But still, I'm not complaining. I guess it's a refreshing change? And it's very nice. Sometimes, they make me a little too aware of her worship-complex for me, though. But I guess that's inevitable.

And oh gosh, apparently what's also inevitable is Mark and I being upset at one another. I am terrified that this issue is forever going to be this huge void between us, a rift that neither of us can rid of. Why do things have to be so complicated? I see his point. I acknowledge many of his points. But, I don't know. Not enough to do what he asks of me, what he expects of me. I discussed the on-going problem with Kelly, and she said, "But, it doesn't have to always be that way," and that was interesting. But I don't know. Yesterday, we got in a stupid tiff over whether I was optimistic or pessimistic. I said something about my new philosphy on life, trying to cling to all the happiness that I can get, and he said that I'm not consistent for someone so pessimistic. He brought up how my saying "whatever" to not getting a Heritage Award is pessimistic. I still don't think that's pessimistic; I think it's just making myself not care so much. That was interesting, though. I wonder what he's holding back about what I said about the awards. That he didn't say anything after the post just made me assume that he pretty much accepted what I'd said. I guess not.

I thought about him being upset at me, and I realized how much he tries to help me in the areas he thinks I need help in. It's like...different from how when my friends sense that I'm upset (when I don't hide it, I guess), they ask what's wrong and try to dissolve my worries. But Mark... It's like he sees something wrong and tries to fix that. I guess that's a real friend. And, well... I really appreciate him caring about something that seems to bother him more than it does anyone else, including myself. (But I suppose that's the problem, haha.) And I mean, it doesn't really have to do with him, you know? One thing that I noticed, though... He seems so tentative to speak his mind with me, so afraid to upset me; it makes me feel really guilty, since I guess I caused that hesitation, with all the times I got angry at him for just saying what he was thinking. I feel really bad now. I wish I could go back and resolve those dumb arguments so that he wouldn't feel like he had to censor himself. I hope that he doesn't try to hold back his tongue too often, because that's not what friends like what we are to each other are for.

Another thing I noticed: everyone seems to always be so bothered when I say I'm giving up on something, or even when I merely allude to it. It's so strange to me. 'Cause I dunno, to me, giving up on something is kind of like...relieving. Like, giving up on Michael wasn't like... Oh, how sad I'm giving up on the love of my life! It was like, oh thank god, I'm free! Giving up on trying to compromise with Jayne when we were going out wasn't depressing, it was relieving! Whenever I claim to give up after getting low grades in math--that's not oh, how sad and pathetic to me. It's just...a relief. But everyone seems to always be so upset by things like that, just by the words "I give up". It's just interesting, I guess.

This entry took a total of 209802853 hours during which I should've been doing homework. Self-reflection is exhausting. And I still have a ton to blog about. But, well... Blogging is the most cartharsis-inducing thing of all, so yay!

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