mood: stressed out
music: All I Need - Matchbox Twenty

Any attempt to make anyone happy is sabotaged, demolished, crushed, by the upsetting of another.

I'm so freaking tired of all of this.

sometimes you can still lose
even if you really try

I lose.

*

Thank god for Diana. Thank the fucking lord for Diana.

So I talked it out with her (online because it's way safer, heh) and we've got a plan. And this time, it's a plan that the both of us agree on; it's a realistic plan; and if anyone drops out or doesn't pay her now, she's going to just cancel it.

We talked very rationally and she said the one thing she's a "little ticked" about is not that I'd "rather go with [Mark]," which is "fine," but that I'm "willing to go with him, and leave [them] with a big huge bill that [she's] going to have to pay for," which is "rather inconsiderate". I get that. I totally get that. And I've felt really bad for Di all along, since she's been so good about everything. So we figured out a compromise:

Diana: its not that youd rather go with him
Diana: thats fine
Diana: but your willing to go with him, and leave us with a big huge bill that im going to have to pay for
Diana: which is rather inconsiderate
Diana: but
Diana: ...
Elaine: how about
Elaine: i pay
Elaine: and leave
Diana: is there really no chance
Diana: oh god elaine
Diana: i mean
Elaine: i'm willing to do that
Elaine: if it'll fucking end this shit
Diana: is there really no chance that hell come in teh limo for free?
Diana: if hes so liber why cant you and i pay for HIM
Elaine: i don't think there's a chance he'll go in the limo if you GIVE him money
Diana: hahah
Diana: jaynes the only one thats mad though!
Diana: honestly!!!
Elaine: no, jayne's not even mad at him for that anymore
Diana: well maggie too but shes always pmsing about something
Elaine: but the damage has been done and stuff
Diana: ..
Elaine: eh he thinks its a waste of money anyway
Diana: well yeah but cant he just waste our money that we girls who have earned it in this chinese dominated feminist world want to spend!
Elaine: hahahhaha
Diana: byarg
Diana: well
Diana: heres the thing
Elaine: seriously
Diana: i mean
Elaine: do you want me to pay
Diana: heres my plan
Diana: if less people come
Elaine: cause i undestand its bitchy to leave
Diana: i can just make people pay more
Diana: and if they arent willing to pay like 60 dollars
Diana: ill maybe need some money
Diana: i feel like a stinge but 50 is alot right?
Diana: but then again i might find three people
Diana: ...
Diana: hmmm
Diana: ok so
Diana: go ahead and cancel
Diana: meet us at buca
Diana: do your thing
Diana: and ill get back to you on the 50 dollars thing
Elaine: ok
Diana: how are you goign to explain this to your mom?
Elaine: uhhh
Elaine: it'll be my own money
Elaine: so she wont know
Diana: .
Diana: but thats ridiculous!
Elaine: ugh
Elaine: i'm willing to do it if it'll just shut people up and end this shit

It feels good to be diplomatic. It feels good to find a solution to a problem that was upsetting everyone--a solution that hopefully everyone will accept. I am going to pray so freaking hard tonight that everything turns out well. And the money thing? Fuck yeah, it's a lot, but I can skip D-land a few times (or maybe go later so I won't need to eat lunch); I can borrow money from Jess or something; I can save save save after Chinese New Year's. I know people are going to object, but their objections aren't going to do shit, because I don't know if anyone knows how much this shit has been upsetting me, and I'm going to make this work out and have the least number of people pissed off as I can. And if there's a solution underneath all of this, it's worth the money, even if it ends up being the price of a seat. I'm sure I'll learn some huge lesson from all of this as well, and that's worth more than money.

So Di's going to tell all of the Venadies while I break the news (news that I've already broken like what, at least twice?) to the "Amfys," as Diana called us. (It was cute and made me smile, hehe.) And we realized that since Jinling dropped out yesterday, it would've been more than $50 even with Mark and me, so I mean, $60.... If Jayne'd been coming with us, then it would be $64, but she's not, so yeah. And $60 is if the recruiting efforts are unsuccessful. For everyone's sake, I really hope that they are. I wish I knew more people!

I think the best part of the conversation (second-best, I guess, since coming up with a plan was pretty great) was the part in which Diana told me, "Thanks for being cooperative." I've never been a very cooperative person, in my opinion, so this meant a lot.

I think I'm getting too excited too soon (breaking the news will be no fun at all, oh god, dreading like crazy) and I'll be disappointed by many people tomorrow, but fuck, I'm going to deal with that tomorrow. At least Diana and I have come to a consensus. And unless Mark has a random change of heart, I'm going to freaking execute this plan if it kills me.

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mood: resigned
music: Smack That - Akon

Funny things that happened on Friday:

Rubies: Kelly said, "Let's get some Ruby's!"

Diana's reply: "No, I need garnets."

Elevator: We all (except Kelly) got into the elevator at the end of the bridge. I pressed the button for level 1. Instead of stopping at the floor we wanted to stop on (2), the elevator kept going downwards. Everyone screamed and screamed, and when we reached level 1, which was actually the parking garage, everyone rushed to press the button for the second floor.

Diana commented later, "That was fucking scary! I thought we were going to hell or something!"



I told Jayne that I wanted to help Diana to find a group that would like to go in a limo but doesn't have plans of doing so, and then maybe I could take Mark, Jayne, Mag, and Erin, and then maybe everyone would be at least slightly happier. She told me that I'm a good friend. This made me really happy. She said that throughout all of this, many people would freak out, drop everything, and run, and just say, like, "You guys figure this out and just tell me what you come up with," especially having to deal with both sides. She also said that she admired my personal strength. That means so much to me. I'm trying really hard to make everyone happy, but I really don't think it's working. I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm falling.

Catch me.

*

Happy January 30th. Can you believe that it's been four years?

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mood: irritated
music: Bad Day - Daniel Powter

So, D-land again yesterday! I'm loving this Annual Pass thing. (Thank you, Father's gambling skillz!) And the Park-Hopper price has gone up to $83 (eighty-three fucking dollars! Dayum, I was already bitching about it going from $69 to $79 in August for my birthday party), so it's so freaking worth it. ...To my I-can't-do-math-for-shit brain, it's really worth it, anyway. Anyway, Jayne purchased her Pass with the giftcard we gave her for Christmas and told the lady that the bestest friends in the whole world had gotten it for her. It was funny when the lady asked if any of us lived with her (so we could give verification that she was a SoCal resident), and she was like, "Uhh, they live...near me?" Anyway, we met Duy and then headed over to Matterhorn.

Then we had lunch, Jayne and I sharing a turkey leg and a drink. Yay for saving money! Except for the drink part. Then we waited for Mag to meet us in front of Space Mountain and I showed everyone my hilarious hitting joke. I was totally psycho after having taken some sips of Kelly's orange soda-lemonade mix, and it was super fun. (Orange soda gets me on this awesome high.) Then we played Twenty Questions and I won a few games, w00t. I thought the new Rockin' thing was pretty cool. The music was good, and totally made the seats vibrate too, which Jayne and I thought was hilarious. We'd actually gone quite late this time because Kelly and I had wanted some sleep (I'd slept until 930, oops) and had arranged for everyone to meet at 945, so we didn't hit that many rides. We did Indiana Jones, the line in which I got pissed off during more limo discussion. I remained quiet most of the time, trying to understand their POV, but interjected at key moments when they were just wrong. I hate the way people twist things, especially when they twist things that I told them. Jayne defended Mark rationally and tried to end the discussion. I told her later that I appreciated it.

I was still annoyed when we got off the ride (hell, I still am) but the delicious Pineapple floats cheered me up a little. Then, off to California Adventures. Amanda hit Duy in line for Mulholland Madness when he was talking about what he does when he likes a girl and was like, "You never did that for me!" It was amusing. Kelly and Erin listened to Jayne's music, which was kind of odd, but cool. Then we went on the Ferris wheel and I screamed a lot and Maggie tried to scare me, hahaha. Amanda and Duy took the one that didn't move and we wondered why they sat on opposite sides and then laughed when they came around again and were sitting on the same side. Heh.

After some of us got delicious hot dogs and fries (I had a sudden craving for them), we then watched the Aladdin show, in which the genie made me laugh a lot and very loudly. I thought he was hilarious. The Britney/K-Fed joke, the Borat impression, the Chicken Noodle Soup rap thing, "more friends than Tom on Myspace"... Hee. Plus, Aladdin was one of my favorite Disney movies when I was little (I used to love "Never Had a Friend Like Me," heh, and I need to download it now). I bet I had the hots for him. The guy was Asian, which was pretty cool. I liked the set. And sexy Jafar. And the carpet. Heh.

Afterwards, we made Erin go on California Screamin' for the first time, and she loved it. It's my favorite, heh. So we went on it again. And then Kelly, Amanda, Mag, and Duy went back to the other park for dinner while Jayne, Erin, and I went on it again, hehe. I had to sit with this creepy asshole who kept telling me to scream louder and flip off the camera (I was like, "No, I don't want to") and then told me that I "have talent". And then he got our picture taken off 'cause he flipped the cam off. What an asshole. Teenagers are dumb. After that, we got free tortillas and Erin chased around a cat that she thought was a raccoon. Then, Jayne and I shared a bowl of clam chowder and another drink. Fucking hell, Disneyland is expensive. Blah. Then, we got more tortillas and headed over to the other park. We got some really tasty hot chocolate and Erin shared her yummy chocolate croissant with us. Jayne was limping, so we met the others in front of Star Tours. They tricked us and told us that Mag was in the bathroom, which Mag had put them up to, hahaha. Jayne was like, "I bet Maggie went home!" and she was right, hehe. Even with Kelly and Amanda laughing nonstop, they totally got me! Hee. We ended up going on Star Tours and Erin, Jayne, and I waved our hands around in the air and Jayne's watch hit my teeth. Ow. Then, we did Big Thunder Railroad, yay. We wanted to do Haunted Mansion (since we'd already skipped Jayne's other favorite, Tower of Terror), but the park was closing. Poo. Oh well, it was fun. And...food-filled. Why do I like to eat so much?

*

where is the passion when you needed it the most?
you kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

This limo drama and the resulting Mark/Jayne shit are killing me. They're all I can think about, all the time. I have the strangest urge to bury myself under a pile of blankets and just sleep until this is all over. Can I even trust anyone at all anymore, to not react badly to anything?

Also, Father's chocolates are stale. As usual.

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mood: pissed off and disappointed
music: Look What You've Done - Jet

Are we dreaming again, Elaine?

She asked if I was at least happy now.

I couldn't say yes.

I hate all of this.

All. Of. This. Stupid. Fucking. Shit.

Is there some rule in life that says that as I get happier, I also get more upset, more frequently?

I feel like. I feel like everyone around me is disappointing me.

At least Jess found her bag and I get to return the one I got.

Maybe I'll go play Uno with her or something. She went to a school dance on Friday. She was really worried about the theme and about her outfit.

I wish things were still that simple.

Though I guess nothing in life is easy.

Father bought me a one-pound box of See's Candies. A big gold box with a pretty white ribbon. I guess we just all try to do all that we can do.

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mood: resigned
music: Here (In Your Arms)

I wish I could slap Big Bad Drama Wolf in the face. Yep, that's Jayne's term for all of this.

The other day, it was brought to my attention that the limo costs as much as the ticket. Then, Mark mentioned how he'd be paying $50 to listen to screaming girls and I felt really bad. I don't believe in this oh blah blah obligated to do blah shit at all. Nobody is freaking obligated to do nothing for anyone. I mentioned the whole issue to Mother, who kindly offered to drive us. Jayne calculated all her money--she'd forgotten to factor in money for the Hawaii band trip in spring--and realized she's falling way short. I offered the solution to the both of them, with the only problem being that they'd be stuck in a car with each other for a while. They said okay. I discussed the matter with Mother, and she told me that if it weren't for them, she'd just tell me to fuck it and just pay the damned money and get "the experience", but that she understood and that it was fine, just that she's a little bummed that I don't find the limo that important and that she thinks that I should. But she said it'd be fine, and that it'd be a nice excuse to have a day off anyway. Diana and I got in a silent argument (the type where she does the angry-but-calm-voice thing and I cry a lot) because I'm doing this all after she's booked it and it's going to make the limo price soar--and I feel really, really bad. I keep crashing her dreams. Stupid stupid stupid. I hope that she can find some people to fill in for us so that things won't be too terrible. After Mark kind of ignored her today, Jayne is a little uncertain about whether she'll come with us or go in the limo after all, so I hope that it'll all work out.

I feel like a terrible hypocrite because half of the time, I'm telling Diana that it'd be fine for me to pay a little extra for the limo to work out and convincing her to just collect the money she needs from everyone; the other half of the time, I'm complaining about the cost and everything and ruining her plans. Why couldn't things just be a little easier?!

I really hope that day/night will be worth all of this trouble. And if it isn't, well, at least I've gotten enough happiness.

The girls next to Jayne during the SAT thing were complaining about limo drama, too. I find this hilarious.

I'm getting more and more frustrated by this stupid fight between Jayne and Mark. I hate arguments. Why can't we all just get along? She wrote an apology letter to him, which I thought would definitely mend things, but I guess not. I realized today that I've been giving her bad advice--well, not necessarily bad, just...untested, since the disputes I've had with him are always me getting upset at something he said, instead of the other way around, so I guess I don't really know what to do in this situation. I feel so helpless and confused. Her family told her to just drop it, but I think they should still try. I dunno. I guess it's not really my business what they do.

I'm tired. Sleepy time.

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mood: tired but happyish
music: Smack That - Akon

Continuing from where I left off yesterday!

We watched some Discovery Channel documentary on aliens and stuff with Mother and then showed Kelly the "Shoes" video that we recite every five seconds and just hung around. At 330, Beth picked us up and dropped us off at South Coast, where we met Erin and Mag. Shopping, w00t. We spent most of the time at Macy's, where there were some great deals and some...not so great ones. Jayne bought some $27 shoes that got reduced to $17--how freaking awesome is that! at a department store, too!--while Kelly bought $88 shoes, HAHA. Her dress was uber expensive, too. She's definitely splurging like crazy for Winter Formal, but at least she goes to a lot of parties and formal occasions so she'll be able to reuse stuff, unlike the rest of us. We helped Di find shoes that were better and cheaper than the gorgeous $80 ones she fell in love with. (She ended up getting these really cute $30 ones.) Poor Amanda is looking for white/cream ones, which are virtually nonexistent at the moment because white isn't in season. How dumb. I found a jacket that went from $40 to $26. I'm glad that I got it, 'cause it's a blazer I can wear for a lot of other special occasions. Hooray for sales! Macy's is cool. Also, I used the gift card I got for Christmas, so yay. I also got a $20 purse that I think I'm going to return. I'll either use my sister's purse (if she finds it) or Diana's.

Then we headed to Claire's and got a bunch of jewelry for everyone--including clip-ons for Erin, Jayne, and Kelly! They're going to look so pretty. I also got these really cute clip-on pearls...even though I have pierced ears, ahaha. Oh, well. Earrings last a long time (as long as Jessica doesn't lose them, which she has a tendency to do, grrr), so yeah. Then we ate at Ruby's and now I owe Diana (and Jayne, too) money because I'm broke until Mother pays me back for my shoes and my jacket and I return the bag. I nearly finished my plate, though! I was proud. Fish & chips is so yummy. And our waitress was very nice, which is always cool. After dinner, we headed back over to Nordstrom's. Diana purchased her shoes and I made everyone try on this super, super comfy $70 pair of sandals I've wanted for a long time. Beth gave me a ride home and told me the schedule for Winter Formal day. Dear god, it sounds hectic and really, really tiring.

When I got home, Mother helped me do my hair and OMG, I looked so cute. It made me happy. I hope that it'll look good and that it'll stay that day, though. (I also hope it won't cost as much as Beth says that it will.) I'm sad and mad because my dress doesn't have a zipper, so when I put it on, I'm going to end up messing up both my makeup and my hair. How stupid is that! Damn flat chest. I'm also mad because my outfit is too black and way too slimming. Oh well. I'm working on it. Watch me eat tons now and then not be able to fit in my dress on the day of, hahaha. I would laugh. A lot. And then cry. Heh.

Friday morning, we all went to play tennis, which was fun. It's cool to get exercise while having fun. Everyone laughed at me because I sucked and then tried to hit me with balls. Diana got smacked twice, once by Mag and once by Jayne. Then she hit Jayne in the face. Then everyone tried to hit me some more. Kelly said sympathetically, "Wow, Elaine, you really get abused a lot, huh?" and I laughed. Diana taught me how to ride a Razor! I feel accomplished, though way behind the times, haha. Then, everyone admired my brand new racket (well, I've had it for at least two months but hadn't opened it until that morning, heh) and complimented it, while asking me, "How the hell can you suck so much with this nice of a racket?" Hehe. When we were all starving, we walked to Kelly's and saved money by eating some frozen stuff for lunch. I had fundraiser pizza, though I wanted to cook chicken noodle soup. Then, we watched music vids on Kelly's new TV and just discussed random stuff. Yay. I'm disappointed about the popular music right now, though. It's all like...slow and/or boring stuff. I want thumping music; I want party songs; I want songs I can dance to! Or like, deep, pretty songs. Mrgh. I miss the music of the late 90's/early 2000s. That's so funny to say. Early 2000s.

Today, I took the SAT. ...And I can't believe that it's over! Oh, man. I didn't do fantastically well or terribly bad, I don't think. I prayed and prayed for a 2200 beforehand, but we'll see. It was pretty cool seeing a bunch of people from PV and stuff there. Dude, Esther looks exactly the same! I also socialized with Erin from SAT classes, which was cool. I like knowing people, hahhaa. It happens so rarely! Dude, though, after the first break, I randomly needed to use the restroom so freaking bad and just sat there thinking, "OMG, when's it going to be over!" Mark ran during the one-minute break but I was too scared to, haha. I was mad at the essay prompt though, 'cause I didn't get to use my trump card, the Treaty of Versailles. Damn ETS. I was all excited about it, too. And then I realized halfway through the intro that I should take the other side of the issue, but it was too late. I actually finished, though, which was good. For the last minute, I sat there debating whether or not to add another sentence to the conclusion, but I was afraid that the proctor'd call time while I was still writing it and I'd end up with an incomplete essay. So yeah. I really hope that I do okay.

Afterwards, Nina treated Di, Jayne, and me to CPK. I had some of the chicken in Di's salad and then got addicted, heh. It's been a while since I've had that stuff and I really liked the CPK ones. Next time I'm getting some, w00t. (Heh.) We didn't get Spinach & Artichoke Dip because we were running low on time, poo. My love the ravioli is still scrumptious, though. Then, we watched Night at the Museum, which wasn't bad. Diana and Jayne gushed over the Pharaoh while I admired the Civil War soldiers and Jed & Octavius. (I really can't listen to Owen Wilson without thinking "Lightning!") So cute. "I ain't quittin' you!" ala Jed. It was really annoying how Diana kept hitting me any time there was something that could be twisted slashily, though. Even when I didn't even flinch or smile or anything at all, she'd hit me. God, why the fuck did I have to be hit when she was the one who was twisting shit? Ugh. So I was kind of pissed off and wanted to go home aftewards, but then she was like, "Let's go to Boomers". We ended up going bowling, which was okay. I kicked ass in the first game, so that was cool. Jayne and Diana have gotten way harsh, though. It was insult after insult. Oh well, I'm cool with the whole bashing thing, but it just gets kinda tedious after a while. Seriously, how many times can you call someone ugly? Oh well.

Umm, pictures?











Disneyland tomorrow! Goddamn it, I really need time to myself. We're hanging out so often lately, and it's been really fun, especially since we suddenly like are all available at the same times and can like...all hang out together. That's always the most fun. And I love it and it's great and a lot of fun, but omgosh, I just need a freaking day to myself! I haven't had a fic/writing/graphic/layout/reading marathon/day since forever (though that may be due to outside factors as well) and just... Just one day, man! Aah! I suppose things'll calm down after WF. We'll see. And hopefully D-land will be fun!

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mood: kinda anxious but not really
music: Here (In Your Arms) - Hellogoodbye

It's been too busy lately. I need some alone time. This song is awesome.

Biology final and the unit test that came with it were way awesome. Didn't even study as much as I'd expected to, though Mark and I split up the study guide, which might've helped. Went over the unit test stuff with Kelly, as well. I got 62/65 on the unit test and 35/42 on the final, which should be okay. 96.4 in the class! I don't think I've gotten a 95+ in a class for a really long time, so I'm really proud. Also, I got an A in English! Like, not even an A-! A solid freaking A! Yay! I may be taking fewer advanced classes than everyone else, but if it helps me to get grades like this, I'm totally cool with that. I'm really nervous about Pre-Calc next semester. If I somehow manage to get an A- in that, I am going to explode in happiness. I think my friends are going to spontaneously combust from all the questions I'm going to have to ask them and all the explanations I'm going to have to ask for--repeatedly. Also, the U.S. History final was pretty difficult, so she randomly made it open-book, which was tedious but awesome, haha. I think I could've flunked that and have gotten an A in the class anyway, though, so when I got bored of the test (it was really long), I just left the entire last page blank, hehe.

So yesterday I didn't really have any classes. In Spanish, we walked to Seattle's Best for coffee. I discussed introverts and extroverts and other types of people and friends and all kinds of deep stuff with Kelly over hot chocolate. Yum. And in U.S., I drew fancy letters on the extra credit video worksheet while we watched Forrest Gump, which was sad. Dismissal was a relief! It's great having no homework. I'm not all that excited about next semester, but I guess it won't be terrible, at least. Mr. V said that I got into String Orchestra, which is great; I hope they did the other schedule changes as well. It will be lovely to have open periods again! That will definitely free up some time for myself, whether it be after school or during opens. That sounds good.

After school, we went to Lamppost Pizza for the NHS fundraiser. We oohed and aahed at the sight of Addy and Josh--he'd just asked her to Winter Formal during fourth period, with a really pretty rose and all. She looked so pleased-happy, hee. So cute, hehe. Diana was on cloud nine because she'd been trying to set them up since school started, haha. Kelly told me later that she got the impression that Amanda wanted Duy to ask her like that. She (Kelly) wants me to talk to him, but I'm not very comfortable being the pushy girl friend, so I don't know. It would make her happy, though, so... Yeah. Anyway, Mag came and picked Erin up and they went to the musical rehearsal while the rest of us went to Ralphs. Then we did some exercise and walked to my house.

Wow. I just looked up my old house in Virginia on Google Earth and Google Maps and like... Damn. That was some quiet, rural life. I really would have grown up so differently had we not moved here. We all would have. Wow. It's so weird to think about.

Tomorrow, I'm taking the SATs. It seems like all my life has culminated to this moment, and yet, it feels so...anticlimatic. I spent freshman and sophomore year dreading this, and yet, here I am, thinking, "Ehh, it'll be like the practice tests I've taken." The hell? Aren't I supposed to be worried as shit right now? Totally freaking? Tearing my hair out? I must have too much faith in myself, haha.

More about yesterday and today tomorrow. I need to sleep or something.

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mood: studious
music: Symptones - Stan Getz

Hrm hrm. We went to lunch after the 120 dismissal today, crammed in Dale's van. Satisfied craving for Vietnamese food (takeout is never as good as dine-in, though) and fun. Jayne shared with us a piece of gossip about Chris and Seraphina going out and Diana freaked out for the rest of the meal (and the day ). Amanda's expression was hilarious as well--I didn't know her eyes could get that big! I'm merely...really, really amused. Ah, Seraphina. What a character. And Chris. I'm glad we're semi-cool now. I think Spanish 1 totally ruined any acquaintance-ship I could've had with him, though. Damn, I was dumb as a freshman.

Anyway, lunch was fun. Also, I shouted, "I should buy tampons!" on the way to CVS, which was fun but strangely out of character. I hate any talk about periods and stuff. Shudder.

We mentioned how cool it was that we were all there, and then said, "Well, all of us now" and this was a little saddening.

So, Winter Formal update, since that's all anyone's talking about these days: I have no clue what to do for makeup/hair. Well, I have clues, but no solid decisions. I want plans, damn it! I bravely told Diana that I'd be skipping getting my nails done tonight, and she actually agreed. That was pretty cool. I dunno, I've always thought of manicures/pedicures as so excessive. Just buy the damn polish yourself! Obviously the salon people do a better job, but no beautiful nails are worth $20. It's not as if Jess doesn't have the freaking biggest collection of pink nail polish, anyway. So hooray for saving money! Though I do have to say, shit, the limo is expensive. I think a lot of people are going to bail when Di tells them how much they'll have to pay. She'll murder them, of course.

I didn't do as well on my English final essay as I could've. Gah. I hope I wasn't borderline so it won't collapse my entire grade, but knowing my past luck, I probably was. If I get a B in English, I'm going to complain for YEARS.

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On Sunday, we played vocab games for the last day of SAT class and my team kicked ass. It was fun. Being thought of as smart again is glorious. When Diana, Erin (a different Erin), and I were waiting for the pizza we ordered for the class, Diana even said, "Nah, they won't dare start without the two smartest people of the class," and she meant Erin and me. It made me happy. I miss the days when Diana would tell me all the time about how smart I was. But the other day, she did tell me again that I'm dependable and a good friend because I'm smart and I'm not totally righteous and all like, "You can't copy my paper." And Pauline called me the "most apt person in the class". Good times.

There was one point at which I was the contestant for my team and when I went up, I looked down and realized that my shoelaces were untied. I said (loudly!), "Uhh, can I tie my shoe first?" And John laughed and was like, "Okay, you can tie your shoe first." And then I blushed really badly because everyone was staring at me and I said, "...Can everyone not look at me while I'm tying my shoe?"

I will miss the people I met there, Pauline and Erin especially. They were pretty cool. Nice girls, definitely. We exchanged phone numbers and AIM screennames and talked about what we want to do and where we want to go for college and stuff. What a bummer that I'd just made friends, just to end up probably never seeing them ever again. Oh well, I'll wish them luck on Friday night. Oh god, I'm taking the real freaking SAT on Saturday. Oh god. Save meee! Also, I need to register for March. Blah. Also, I'm never going to see John again! Man, I'll miss him. What a fun guy; his girlfriend is so lucky! Heh. I got to give him a semi-hug, though!

Jessica said that today, Mr. Miller asked her if she was Elaine's sister and told her that he "saw the resemblance". Then he asked her how I was doing in high school and whether or not I was freaking out about finals. Heh. He's awesome. And he remembers me! People don't remember me! How cool.

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mood: helpless
music: Back 2 Good - Matchbox Twenty

Life is strange. It's like, when life started, there were little stations for each quality and a limited number of tickets. Some people got the ticket for attractiveness but missed out on the one for intelligence. Some people got the academic ticket but missed out on the for friends. Some people got the popular ticket but missed out on 'best friends' or 'family'. Some people got the wealth ticket but missed out on 'compassion'. Some people rushed to get 'benevolence' and thus missed out on the wealth ticket. Some people ran to get 'love', but weren't able to get 'happiness'.

Some people were quick and grabbed multiple tickets.

And some people were unlucky and didn't get any.

Friends suffer, and all you want to do is help, but you feel so helpless, because nothing seems to assuage the damage that has been done to them, the wounds inflicted upon already thin, scarred skin.

You wish you could give them your tickets. You wish problems were that simple to fix, that injuries were that easy to heal. But all you can give them is an open ear, a thousand sympathetic words, a few words of guidance, a comforting hug, your friendship, and your love. And all you can hope for is that this is enough.

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mood: relieved and excited
music: If I Ain't Got You - Alicia Keys

So here's the scoop on the last few chaotic days. ...A very long scoop. Brace yourselves.

So Thursday morning in Bio, everyone was talking about Winter Formal--dates and dresses and dinner and all. The idea of combining groups (a bunch Venadie girls + Amphitheater Kids) had been suggested, so the Venadies were discussing that. Combining groups was like, you know what, whatever works, since Mark would've felt really out of place if it'd just been Amphitheater Kids and I wouldn't want that--and besides, Di, Jayne, Mag, and Kelly seemed pretty enthused about having a huge group and going with them and stuff. I felt really bad about Erin, though, since she was like, "Guys, I don't think I'm really comfortable with this whole going in a limo with the Venadies thing... 'Cause I don't know them at all." And she really doesn't. That made me feel so bad I kinda didn't want to go either (I'm not really a socializer anyway), but then in Spanish, Kelly was talking how she was cool about going with the Venadies and how she loves big parties and big groups, so then I was all confused. Diana did assure Erin that it wouldn't be a problem and that we'd end up huddled in our own respective cliques anyway, but Erin was still worrying about it on Friday night.

The idea of going with the Venadies wasn't what bugged me, though. Damn, I've become a much better person. What did irk me was that the entire time they were all talking about discussing it with Diana and figuring stuff out from there. I was annoyed because, well, Kelly and I were sitting right there, right in front of them, and they were still all, Diana this, Diana that, Diana blah blah blah. Sure, Diana's the real Venadie diplomat and all, but I mean, how rude was it to just completely ignore the fact that Kelly and I were sitting right there? It just would've been nice to have been included in the discussion at all. Kelly told me she was kinda annoyed and confused by it as well, and even Diana was like, WTF?! I did talk to Mark about it and he explained and I understood and all was well, but yeah. It's just, Kelly and I are accustomed to being the planners for every big Amphitheater Kids event that occurs, so it was kinda...unsettling? I dunno. It's okay now, but yeah.

Okay, so, the whole thing started like... Diana'd planned for us to get a limo. Then, it ended up that neither Mark nor I could afford it, and Mag thought that it was unnecessary anyway, so Diana was all resigned and just like, okay, fine, whatever. At first she said she'd just pay for him, but then I realized that I wouldn't be able to afford it anyway, plus Mark felt uncomfortable letting her pay for him like that, so it was like...yeah, let's just hitch rides from Beth and Wendy. Then, the Venadies and Di/Mag/Jayne talked about combining groups and all and then the limo idea came up again.

INTERMISSION! Okay, well, like on Tuesday night or something, Mother came in my room and actually yelled/lectured me about thinking that I had to pay for everything for Winter Formal myself. ...How freaking weird is that?! She was like, "How could you think that I would make you pay for it?!" And I was like, "Uhh, 'cause I have to pay for everything else myself?" And she was like, "Yeah, but that stuff is all just stupid pointless junk! This is a school thing!" And I was like, "Umm, it's not required or anything, you know..." And she's like, "Yes, it is! There are two important events in your high school life, and they are Winter Formal and Prom! It is required to go!" Then, I just stared at her in disbelief and meekly said, "Umm, okay, thanks.... Would you like to see my shoes, then?" Haha. Mother is really strange, sometimes. Anyway, I'm really pleased that I won't have to juggle the costs of dinner and hair and makeup and shoes and blah all by myself.

Anyway. That night, Mark asked me what the plan was. I told him about people planning the limo again, so he talked to Hotaru about it and I discussed it with Di and Jayne. They were all very adamant about getting it, so we were kind of stuck in a rut. ...I kind of don't really remember what happened in detail (my computer crashed and I lost the conversations, which made me really mad!), but I remember Jayne getting really frustrated and me thinking it was Diana, since she was at Diana's house and Diana had taken over the keyboard for a bit. And then Jayne and Mark got in a major argument about money and stuff--in which a lot of suppressed frustration was let loose, I think--and then I didn't exactly help things by accidentally sending Mark what Jayne had said because I'd thought that it'd been Diana. Oops. Then, I discussed the entire thing with Jayne and ended up crying a little bit, for some reason. Neither of us remember what we discussed, which is kind of sad, hahaha. Anyway, Diana ended up talking to Mark about the money issue and they figured out that Diana'd try to get eighteen people for the limo so that the cost would be like $35 and he'd pay as much as he could, with her assisting him with the rest. We believed--well, I believed, at least,--that it would be settled there. Oh god, was I wrong.

Funny how I'm always right [I just realized how stupid that transition was, haha.]: things are never perfect for too long. It was an obstacle I'd never expected, though.... So I signed on at 10 PM, after hanging out with Di, Erin, Jayne, and Kelli. Mark IMed me, distraught, and told me that I should just go to Winter Formal with Jayne because he didn't really feel comfortable about being around the people who would be in the limo. I...literally burst into tears at that. It was...startling, but not unexpected. Then, he said that he was being melodramatic and that he didn't know, and then explained. He said that Mag had yelled at him, getting on his case about paying for the limo, and had told him about how they've been bitching about him in Spanish for days for not being able to pay. And then he said that he really wanted to go with me, but that he didn't want to go to WF anymore if he would have to hang out with a bunch of people who'd been calling him cheap. This killed me. I was so fucking happy and on a optomistic, excited high (and I haven't gotten mad at him in forever), and then it all just blew up in my face because other people ruined it. He did say that he didn't want to cancel on me, but I told him I wouldn't want him to go and have a terrible time anyway. And then I sobbed for half an hour or so and even took my Cars toys out and played with them a little. Diana called, and Maggie offered to call, but I told them that I was in no state to talk. I was really upset. Everything was going so well, and that made the whole thing even harder to swallow. I was really happy that he told me he really wanted to go with me, though. Thank goodness it all turned out all right. ...Or so I hope. Anyway.

Saturday afternoon, he IMed me and told me that he still wanted to go with me, but gave me two choices: I could go with him, Jenny, and Dominic in a car and still do dinner and everything with everyone, just with separate transportation; or I could go with everyone in the limo and he'd just go with Jenny and Dominic in a car. He said that if I went with him, it'd be more like...well, we are going together, and it'd be kinda not-date-ish to go separately, but that my friends might get angry. And if I went with everyone else, I'd get to escape the possible awkwardness of the car and have fun, but it'd cost money and I'd end up feeling really guilty. I asked him what he would prefer, and he told me that it didn't matter. And then he admitted that he would rather not have people pissed at him, but that he would "really like" me to go with him. So I told him I'd go with him. Nobody got mad or anything; Jayne said that she was only disappointed, not mad, and Kelly told me that she would miss me. That was odd. I was like... It's like... It's not like the ride would be hours long.... I'm sure nobody will die without me in half an hour of their lives.... Oh well, it was really sweet. I felt really bad about Diana, though, since the plan took away four people from the limo head count, and so the cost-per-person would go up and people'd probably drop out and her limo dream would fall apart. Again. And she's been so good about all of this.... Luckily, it did work out, so it's okay.

INTERMISSION! I hate hate hate all this talk about money. Everyone keeps focusing on the fact that he's not paying for my ticket. Oh my freaking god. And whenever I say, "I don't care!" because I really, honestly, don't give a flying fuck, everyone's like, "Oh, but it's tradition! It's just the way it is! If he asks you, he has to pay for you!" 'Tradition' arguments piss the hell out of me. They are the basis for opposition against gay marriages, are they not? God, who cares about tradition? Why do things always need to be done a certain way, just 'cause that's the way things have been done before? And besides, I'm really not into gender roles. Why should the guy be forced to fork up a bunch of money to pay for the girl when she can do it herself? Ugh. Jayne's the most upset over it because she thinks he should "do things right" and that she could "do better". I was trying to explain to her why the whole thing was ticking me off and to understand her point of view, and I told her that if I had asked her, I wouldn't have paid for her ticket. Because I really would not have. I wouldn't have even thought of it. And even if I had, I wouldn't have paid. I don't really think it's right to like...I dunno, why does one party get to not spend money while the other has to pay double? Makes no sense to me. She was like, "What's the point of asking someone if you're not going to pay for them?!" This confused the hell out of me. What the hell? Isn't the point of asking someone, like...wanting to spend time with them?! Anyway, neither one of us conceded, blah. Thank god for Kelly: I was telling her about how like, if I don't care, I don't understand why anyone else should, since it doesn't involve them at all--though I understand the whole, being defensive for me as friends, I guess--and she said, "Plus, like you said, you're not really into gender roles" and I was happy that somebody had listened to me.

Okay, so everything was planned. Ish. Mark even asked me today in Bio if I'd like to go bowling with them afterwards, and if the Amphitheater Kids would, too. That was really nice. But then in Spanish, Jenny told them that she felt bad about ditching us, but she would be going with Dominic and their Drama friends. So it ends up that Mark and I will be going in the limo after all. ...Well, knowing the way things've been going, nothing's really a sure thing and everything seems subject to change. But luckily, Diana did manage to find seventeen people, so the price will be lower. I really hope everything works out. What's been exasperating me about all of this is how little I've been involved, but how much I've been affected. Oh well, that's the way life goes.

I'm still just really happy that he asked me and that he wants to go with me.

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mood: frustrated and disappointed
music: Vienna - The Fray

there goes the downpour
this is the distance
and this is my game face

Within a week, everything has gone to shambles. Funny how the world works.

My hand hurts from copying IM conversations into my journal. My head hurts from trying to remain understanding everyone and quailing my heart. My heart hurts from disappointment and helplessness and attempts to remain optimistic.

I'm trying so hard to get my stories straight before I jump to conclusions. It's so hard when everyone's really emotional and angry and annoyed or just...not involved. I don't really know who to believe anymore and this bugs me.

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mood: helpless
music: Too Much To Ask - Avril Lavigne

Group projects suck. Thank god for Rachel and Aly and our awesome topic, of course. Down with the FMA! I wrote a paragraph about how legalizing same-sex marraiges would actually benefit society and had a hard time trying to not sound extremely biased, heh. Trying to write an impartial introduction was even harder! ...Oh shit, I forgot I was supposed to finish that. Oops. I have to say, it's pretty cool having Neeraj think I'm smart. Then again, I feel like I'm lying, somehow, even though I do have an A in the class. Hrm. I'm going to end this semester with fantastic grades and it kind of scares me. Since when did I ever get 97.5%'s in AP classes?! I'm glad all this dedicated studying for daily quizzes really does pay off.

Sometimes I wonder if I leech the happiness and all the other positive feelings out of the people around me. It just seems that as I get happier and happier, everyone just...gets sadder, more frustrated, angrier.

I wish I could help.

2 Comments

mood: placated and optimistic
music: Something to Be - Rob Thomas

So here are pics from Friday...

















And I took some pictures of the concert hall as well:









So yesterday I took another practice SAT test. I finished the essay for the first time, even though I'd arrived late. What the heck? I left like seven blank in the first math section, though, HAHA. Thank god I had my calculator with me this time. I think I'm going to get like a 400, though. The reading seemed easier than usual, which was odd. There were a lot of math ones I knew how to do but also a lot that I didn't, which was odd. I hope I did all right. I should sign up for the March test soon, in case I forget. I'm anxious to see what this upcoming one will be like. Eep. I'd spent all of freshman and sophomore year dreading SATs, and now that the time's almost here for me to take them, it feels so...anti-climatic. I wonder if it'll be like that for college apps, too. Blah. I don't like to think about that stuff, but I really should start doing so. Sigh. Time moves way too quickly.

OMG YAY! They just sent out my scores. At first, I was all bummed out 'cause I got a 10 on my essay, but dude, YAY! I got a 630 in Math! WTF?! How awesome, though! I never thought I'd ever hit over 600, ahahah. Wow, I really do royally suck at math. And 710 Reading! YAY! And and and I got 790 Writing! That's with 80/80 Grammar and 10/12 Essay. OMG, ecstatic. I know it's not like Venadie level at all, but god, who cares! (Except for colleges, but oh well? ) I've improved! I'm so glad. This really is a great week!

Anyway. I realized that when went to the Spectrum, it was all of us, which rarely happens because someone always seems to have something to do. And then I realized that I'd just excluded Kristine from "all of us". I don't really know what to think anymore. She doesn't wait for Erin and me after U.S. History anymore, or even say goodbye at all. I rarely ever see her outside of that class (and we don't even talk in that class anyway), and when I do, I just don't know what to say anymore. I don't really know about her life anymore, and I don't know if she knows about mine either.... I wanted so badly on Thursday and Friday to tell her about Mark asking me, but I was too afraid to. Afraid she wouldn't care, afraid she'd think I was being stupid, afraid... Afraid of realizing we're not close like we used to be. But I also realized... If she really has left us for better, cooler friends, then I'm glad that she found them. 'Cause she deserves to have friends with whom she feels like she belongs--I know she probably never felt that way with us. We laugh too much, have too much, share too little interests, are too pervy, are too silly. We're just not her type, and well... Even though I'm really sad that she's not really part of us anymore, I'm happy for her if she's finally found people that she feels like she fits in with.

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mood: excited but slightly disappointed
music: Bed of Lies - Matchbox Twenty

On Friday, we all went shopping at the Spectrum for Winter Formal. Kelly and Diana got dresses, Jayne and Mag found two that they liked (though when Jayne went back they'd lost the dress and Mag decided that it was too expensive so she got another one), Amanda didn't find anything she liked (she's going to order two online and return one, which is SO smart), Erin just hung out, and I'm done! I found black shoes with a not-so-tall, relatively thick heel (I look fantastic in high heels, but I cannot wear them for the life of me--I also hate uncomfortable shoes) that aren't anything special, really, but they fit and aren't too uncomfortable and fit my needs, so yeah. I would've liked a little more elevation--though these will be easier to walk in--so I still kinda want to try out my concert shoes, but those are like two sizes too small (though they still miraculously fit) and might be too painful after a while. I need to get rid of the gross abrasion on my ankle. (The medicine is helping, though, I think!) I think it's funny how everyone's like...physical appearance is suddenly becoming a huge deal. There's all this talk about back acne, acne, shoulders, arms, feet, height, hair, etc. I'm mainly worrying about my weird skin problems (go away, damn it!), my hair (I can't wear it up 'cause my face looks really stupid without hair framing it), and my skinniness. Lack of a chest is a pain in the neck, too; I hope the whole strapless deal won't be too much of a problem. If only I had just a little more, damn it! I dressed up to practice and realized how skinny my arms really are. How unattractive. After WF, I swear I'm going to try to gain like...at least five pounds. Somehow. Blah.

I also got a long, pretty necklace and fancy earrings. Diana and I realized we have really similar taste, which is weird since she's always criticizing mine, haha. We kept reaching for the same jewelry and dresses at the same time. Diana reached for the necklace like two seconds before I did, so she at first told me that she'd let me borrow it but I was afraid that I'd ruin it and then she'd beat me up, so I bought it myself. She was randomly really nice and helped me pay for it and the earrings, though. I was touched. I didn't realize I needed a bag (I don't really want to carry around a clutch 'cause I'd like my hands to be free...which sounds really sexual all of a sudden) until afterwards, so I think I may just use one of my own, if any of them go with the outfit decently. The hairstylist Beth is talking about is really expensive, though, so I'm hoping to save for that. I'm too scared to ask Mother to help 'cause she might just yell at me for not doing the hair myself or going to the guy who cuts my hair, so that's a last resort. If I find her in a good mood, I might talk to her about giving me a little for the shoes. And maybe convincing her to give me the money she owes me for doing the laundry. Note to self: pay Diana back for the shoes she helped me pay for. Di gave me the studs that came with the earrings that she bought, too, which was really nice.

We had dinner at CPK and I bemoaned the way I had to save like crazy. I tell myself I don't mind the way Mother doesn't pay for a lot of my stuff 'cause it's good training for the future and has taught me a lot, but god would it be nice to be asked by Mother how much I would like for an outing. It's okay, though. There are a lot of people worse off than me, and I probably deserve to be taught a lesson anyway, what with all the food I always can't resist buying. Yesterday was the first time in a long while that I didn't eat crepes, sashimi, or smoothies while at the Spectrum and didn't order Spinach & Artichoke Dip while at CPK. (Tonight Mother is taking me out for sushi! )

Some drama later that night, though. So Jayne, Mark, and I had been planning on hanging out this weekend for a long time. Like...since Christmas Eve. The night before, I'd asked Mark if we were hanging out on Monday and he talked about tie shopping with Kelli and didn't mention Jayne at all, so I was like, okay. So on the way home, I called him and we made plans to go tie shopping. On Monday. Without Jayne. So Jayne called him and yelled at him; she was upset because she'd been reminding him all week. He said fine, we'd hang out with her in the morning and then Kelli's pick him and me up to go shopping. ...meaning she'd go home. So now she's really frustrated and pissed and sad. Part of it is 'cause he blew her off even though she'd told him she didn't want to go to WF with me so that he could ask me. I feel sorry for her 'cause she was I'm just really confused (I have a text message that says he was the one who asked us to plan something?) and trying really hard to not talk about him so much with her. And she's already so jealous of... Yeah. Oh man, the irony; Back 2 Good just came on and it always reminds me of the three of us:

and everyone here knows everyone here is thinking about somebody else
and I couldn't tell if anyone here was feeling the way I do

...And I just got in an argument with her. So we were trying to figure out what to do and I said she could come over, though there isn't much to do at my house and she'd have to make sure to leave by a certain time. Then I proposed a movie, like we had originally planned with Mark. Her mom'd apparently have to drop her off early (I said 11 would be okay 'cause Mother lectured me about sleep and going out again today) and then she'd have to walk home. She said fuck it; she apparently "knows" I don't ever want to hang out with her alone. What the fuck? I never said anything like that. I just always feel bad for not asking everyone. I know everyone does this whole, let's invite a single friend or a few friends over thing and it's totally normal, but it's hard for me to purposely exclude people. It's 'cause I myself hate being excluded or missing out. Anyway, she has this fucked up idea that I don't want to hang out with her anymore because I'm not going out with her anymore. Argh, I know she's just really frustrated and upset this weekend (the Mark thing already got her fired up, plus something else familial-wise that she couldn't tell me happened), but I can't stand it when people point their fingers at me or tell me I'm thinking something that I'm not. Sigh. ETA: We're okay now, but she's still really upset. She said she's slowly getting over me, which is good. She signed off angry on me because she was talking about some night she was at my house while we were still together and I didn't remember what she was talking about, ehh. Oh well. I can't believe it's been six--seven?--months since I broke up with her. Wow.

Anyway, onto happier things... Kelli, Mark, Erin, and I went tie/flower shopping yesterday. Kelli picked me up at nine and Mark showed me how to use my graphing calculator and sent me stuff. He told me this one thing could save Word docs on it, and I asked if that meant I could read fanfiction in math class. We checked out the ties at Mervyns' and I admired several ties while he was indecisive. (Erin said she'd buy the white one I liked for my birthday! She's so sweet; whenever I like something and act all stupidly attached to it, she always offers to buy it for me for my birthday or Christmas or whatever. ) He kept asking me questions about whether certain ones would work and I kept having to tell him and Kelli I didn't know and that it should be up to him since he is wearing it. Also, I didn't really know his style. I felt bad for not being much of a help. After discussing some other outfit possibilities, we decided to check out Men's Wearhouse. We looked around and then asked the dude what would work with my dress. (I got to say "We're going to Winter Formal together". !!!) After the guy helped us choose the one, we looked around for another tie just 'cause there was a 2/$35 deal. He got a pretty blue one that I liked and I told him he looked good in blue.

And so, it's platonic. Just friends. Well. At least I know. Kelli was talking about how the price of his tie was nothing compared to what I'd paid for my dress and he talked about how it's 'cause guys have to buy the tickets and pay for dinner and stuff. Kelli asked him if he was paying for my ticket and we both said no. He was like, "It's not like we're going out or anything" and "'cause it's platonic" and I said "Yeah" softly and looked away and out the window. I feel like a complete idiot and am totally embarassed for even thinking that...yeah, but I later realized... If it's platonic, then...how sweet! That sounds dumb, but 'cause it's like... Like he did a big thing when he could've just asked me online or something, even though he didn't even mean anything by it. No motivations, yeah? Just...to make me happy. And it's definitely worked. The huge smile I feel rising upon my face every five minutes is definitely a clear indication of that. So...I'll be okay.

Anyway, we then headed over to Tall Mouse to get flowers for the corsage and boutonniere. Man, this stuff is complicated. I really just sat there and held flowers while Erin chose a bunch of ones that would match. After Kelli helped me eliminate a bunch of them, we got ribbon and stuff. Erin and I were too scared to speak to the lady to tell her to cut the ribbons for us because we stood there for a while and she just totally ignored us, but I eventually did it. Talking to salespeople is weirdly fun. Then, Mark and I sat on a shelf under another shelf and dicussed earthquakes and Chinese while Erin looked for watercolors and black construction paper for the stained glass window project she's doing. Kelli made us get up and on the way to the cash register, Mark ate a bunch of random snacks they had out, hahah. I wanted deli meat but was too scared to take any so I had a slice of cheese. Man, I love cheese! And afterwards, we went to Daphne's and I had yummy calamari and rice pilaf. I introduced Erin to the calamari and she ended up getting her own, hehe. We went back to Erin's to eat and then played SSBM, yay! Mark plays with Roy as well, so that was confusing. I met Erin's grandmother on her mom's side, whose name is also Elaine (and so is her mother's, and it's Beth's middle name too, heh). At 110, Kelli dropped me off at the Bakery. I'd been terrified that Mother would be angry at me (she lectured me the night before about not calling her about planning to stay longer than I'd told her) since she did call me at like exactly one, but it ended up that she wasn't even at the Bakery yet, so it was okay.

I got to stay in John's class the entire time that day, since Emily couldn't make it. Oh man, he's almost run out of stories so he isn't as fun anymore, but he's still so cute. (I want to get that damn 800 Writing!) I doodled and wrote on a Wynn Las Vegas notepad and drank Diana's Sprite and had Craisins and pita bread. It was freezing! Yeah, I think I'll stay in Cali. Damn getting used to such mild weather. We played this game where we had to solve a bunch of math problems, and then answer a bunch of reading questions. The other team got all of the easy problems and we got all of the difficult ones, but even so, I managed to solve at least three of them when nobody else could! I was so proud. I actually did two out of six wrong on the reading thing, which wasn't so cool, but oh well. Yay!

Mother picked me up and I got ready for the concert we'd be attending, featuring Pacific Symphony/Cho-Liang Lin, this famous Taiwanese violin player. Mother and Jess had planned on eating at Souplanation, but the lines were way too long so we had...McDonald's, hahaha. It was a pretty nice and clean McDonald's, though. Then we headed over to the Performing Arts Center. Oh my god, it was cold. (I heard it snowed in Ontario (Calif.) that day? ) The concert hall was so pretty, but since we had seats in like...the fifth to last row on the highest level, my acrophobia kicked in and I was so scared. The violinist was amazingly good and the orchestra sounded great, but I was so tired that I kept dozing off in the beginning. And every time I snapped awake, I'd be like, "OMG, they're so good!" and then fall asleep again, haha. After I took a nap during Intermission, though, it was okay. He had a million solos in the last piece and afterwards, Mother kept raving about how well he played as if he were two violinists instead of one. I have to say, that two-part thing was pretty cool. Am inspired. I need to practice the String Orch music today.

But moreso, I need lunch. Since this entry has been in the works for like two days, I shall post it now and continue later. Along with pictures!

(YAY WINTER FORMAL and YAY CONTACTS)

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mood: ecstatic and excited but slightly upset
music: Ever the Same - Rob Thomas

Best day ever. Yesterday, that is. Well, okay, nothing can compare to Flashback, but... !!!!!

In Bio, Mark asked me to Winter Formal!!! Eeeeeeeeeee!!! Oh man, so fucking happy! :) :) :) I couldn't keep the smile off of my face the entire day--and I still can't.

Sososo, when we went to get our scantrons for the daily quiz, I saw him stand up but he wasn't at the table with the quizzes. I looked up and saw him at Mr. Jacobs's laptop. Puzzled, thinking that he was looking at his grades or something, I looked for his quiz, which Hotaru had already gotten, got Kelly's and mine, and returned to my seat, completely oblivious. I was just doing the usual, copying notes from the board--Mr. Jacobs has his notes typed up and does the whole projector-overhead thing--and loving being able to see the board with my new contacts...when something different came up. I saw "Ou Yilan"--my Chinese name spelled phonectically, a name he likes to call me just because he's crazily into Chinese stuff--and was like OMG YOURE KIDDING ME OMG OMG!!! Mr. Jacobs scrolled down agonizingly slowly (or so it seemed, anyway!) and eventually the entire message was on the board.... It read, "Ou Yilan, will you go to Winter Formal with me?" (With caps and boldfaced and underlined text and all that.) <3 <3 <3

OMFG, the smile on my face was huge. Super shy and not having a clue as to what the heck to do, I stared at it with a huge grin for a moment before turning back and nodding yes. Aah, my smile must've looked at least slightly maniacal! He was smiling too, and it was really cute. I keep remembering and reliving his smile and the way those magical words looked on the board. And how my face hurting from smiling, hehe.

Apparently Mr. Jacobs kept saying, "Make a scene!" And it was funny because everyone was asking each other who it was that was being asked and I just sat there, glowing and grinning. Mr. Jacobs kept asking about what the answer was and I only grinned ecstatically while Mark got all flustered and was like, "She already said yes!" and Mr. Jacobs was like, "I didn't see!" Mark, "It was discreet! Now can we move on?" It was cute. Hee. Everyone was still buzzing about it, and I was literally quivering with joy, so I leaned over/stood up and hugged him. !!!

Then, Mr. Jacobs slowly erased the message and the lesson continued, though everyone started talking about WF. I was still shaking with happiness and actually had trouble copying the notes! Hee. And of course, I marked the place on the notes where the message had been. Later, I organized my organizer to write "!!!!!!" and to remind myself to study for the chapter (it was really long and I'd barely paid attention since I was way too distracted... Heh), Mr. Jacobs came up to my desk and peered at what I was writing--"study", LOL. Sadly, Kelly rushed Jayne and me out after class, so I didn't get to hug Mark again. I did write him a small note that said, "Thank you. :)), though.

Jayney told me some stuff after school. I'd thought that he only chose AP Bio as the class to ask in because we were conveniently both in it and the computer...yeah. But being more than aware of my incredible jealousy of many of the Venadies, he chose that class because a lot of the Venadies are in it, and he wanted to show that...yeah. !!!! Isn't that the sweetest thing ever? It is the sweetest thing ever. I'm so touched and amazed. I'd totally underestimated him.

I'm...I'm like, beyond happy. All my friends are tired of hearing about it already, and it's only the second day. Is it platonic or...more? I don't know, but at this point I'm just going to not think about it. Normally, I'd say that something this sweet could never be platonic, but with Mark, you never know. I've had...I've had a thing for him for a long time, but I'm not willing to get my hopes up. I'll just take what I can get. And I am already beyond happy. I don't know how to thank him enough.

More about everything else tomorrow, but I just wanted to get this up. Even though half the stuff is probably incomprehensible and confusing since I'm half-asleep. Much more later!

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mood: vaguely disappointed and nervous
music: Escape - Enrique Iglesias

So on Sunday, I felt terribly sick but Mother made me go to SAT classes regardless. I don't regret going, though. I fixed John's cell phone for him! Well, he had his phone in Silent Mode for two years and had no idea how to change it back to normal--apparently nobody else he asked could figure it out either. I told him I'd "fix" it for him. And I did--plus I taught him how to switch from Silent Mode to Normal. Not exactly a clever deed, but helping him made me happy. Also, I got a 770 on the Writing section of my practice SAT! I am so thrilled. John told me privately that he hopes that I'll become his sixth/seventh 800 Writing student. I'm going to miss him! What a fun guy. Haha. "Fungi." (My other two scores went down--570 Math (haha, stupid lack of a calculator) and 650 Reading (this Reading section was especially difficult for me; I was rarely sure on any of the answers, which sucked.)

Diana didn't go, claiming that she had to finish her homework for school, but it was kind of nice because I got to talk to Pauline and Erin and stuff. It was cool because they were willing to talk to me--they saw me as part of their group--even without Diana there. A lot of times, I know people through my friends, and it's just awkward whenever said friend isn't there. So I'm glad they thought of me as part of the group. It was cool talking to them, though we mostly just discussed the SAT and school and stuff. Also, despite the whole I-felt-deathly-sick thing, I got frozen yogurt and gelato. Ha ha! I'm so bad.

I managed to sleep at midnight that night, but still ended up tired as shit the next day. I hate how sleeping at midnight does that to me. It's so weird. Anyway, the first day back...ehh. I slept all through Spanish and U.S. History. Just put my head down and slept. I felt terrible. Being sick probably didn't help. Mark saved me a seat, though, in English, which made me happy. It always amused me that I'm such a loser/loner that in a class that I had with one of my best friends, I chose to sit alone. Anyway, I tried to take a nap after school, and managed to get some sleep in. I had plans to go to dinner with Kelly for our Spanish cultural project, though, so I kept waking up every fifteen minutes in case she called. (She kept postponing it because her mom was taking a business call.) Dinner was fun, though. Wendy (her mom) drove us to Felix's and we had some yummy Cuban food. I was surprised to find that it was pretty good. I'd never thought that I'd be really into Hispanic food, since I thought that they'd be big on meat--something that obviously wouldn't work for a not-meat-eater like me. I had some tasty fish--Sole stuffed with crabmeat, with a Hollandaise sauce. The Ranch dressing on the salad was amazingly good as well. And the vanilla pudding was good, too. It was kinda funny, though--Wendy kept talking about how good the prices were and I kept thinking, "Twelve dollars a dish isn't cheap!" But I guess she meant since we all took leftovers home.... Or maybe they're just filthy rich. (You know, shouldn't it be "filthily"? Hrm.)

School on Tuesday wasn't much better than school on Monday. I was still tired as shit, which sucked. Plus, Mr. V kept scolding the orchestra for not answering his simple questions, and I felt really bad because I really wanted to answer but had totally lost my voice. Blah. After school, I talked to Jayne on the phone because I was feeling chatty and worked on my Spanish project.

Today was a good day, though, relatively. In English, we're doing research papers on controversial issues. Ever since the end of sophomore year--when we received our agendas for this year's English class--I've bene looking forward to this. I had fun writing about gay marriage and the 2004 proposed Constitutional Amendment that would've banned it. Unfortunately, it's a group thing--I hate group projects with a passion--and my group is dominated by people who are fiercely conservative. A person who is pretty consistently liberal, I felt really lonely and outcasted. At first, we were going to do something on the ACLU, but it was too broad. Then we said we'd research illegal immigrants for our topic. I was the only one who supported it! I was proud of the confident way that I said, "I support it," though, when they asked incredulously, "Is anyone in this group pro for this?" And then they drilled on me on why I was on the pro side and ugh. I quailed like fuck. David Ding is intimidating like no other, and I'm terrible at defending my opinions aloud. Ugh. So I was having a terrible time. And then we decided to change issues again. Rachel proposed gay marriage (I was like Yes!), but that was too broad. So then, I got really pumped up and started totally joining in and giving ideas--I mentioned adoption and the Federal Marriage Amendment. They chose the FMA! I was ecstatic. Now this is something I know how to attack as well as I know the back of my hand. w00t. Do none of them know about me being totally openly bisexual? I wonder if Amelia does? Hrm. Odd. I'd kind of just assumed that everyone did, but haha, stupid Elaine, you're not that interesting. Or even that well-known, hahaha. Oh well, whatever. I'm just glad I'm going to get to write about something I'm really passionate about. Mark got his Affirmative Action topic, too! We rock, w00t. Part of our assignment over winter break for English was to pick any topic and imitate the style of one of the passages given. I find it hilarious that we both wrote on prejudice, and we both imitated the same passage. His was way better than mine, though, haha. Oh well, that's nothing new.

Speaking of Mark, today we were walking to class together after Advisement, and he asked, "Don't you have to go see all your friends? I thought you couldn't not see them" or something to that extent. And I told him the truth: "They're much more connected now, so they don't need me as much." And it's true. Maybe we're not all each other's best friends, but we're so close now. I think back to us at the beginning of high school and compare it to us now, and man, there's a big difference. Maybe there's still slight hostility, slight bitterness, blah blah blah. But damn, we've come a long way. At lunch, we're sitting in circles now, something that I adore. We know each other's strengths and weaknesses and bad habits and idiosyncrasies and it's just... I feel very accomplished. No longer the golden thread that helps to keep everyone together, I am now a link in the chain. I'm really glad.

I managed to stay awake in Spanish and History, which was great. And then after school, Mother took me to the optometrist for my appointment. Apparently my vision hasn't changed at all in the last three years! How awesome. And then I tried contacts--and was successful! OMG, so excited! The last time that I'd tried was sixth grade: that time, I'd sat in that damned seat for over two hours and ended up bawling; the next day, I'd gone in to try again, with the same results. It sucked. But this time, I just struggled a tiny bit with removing them. Putting them in was easy as pie. It was so exciting to see the world clearly! Kind of daunting, too. Traffic lights hurt, haha. I really hope these work out. It'd be really cool to be able to see all the time.

I even wore them to the basketball game I went to tonight with Jayne. We went to see Jazz I play. Eeee, I love their music! I love music that makes me want to get up and dance, hehe. The game was cool to watch because I actually understood the game, unlike football, which is way too complicated for my tiny brain to comprehend. Oh, and Jayne participated in a contest they held at Half-time to see if anyone could shoot a basket from the...half...something line? Eh, the middle of the court. The prize was an iPod she said she'd give to me, hahaha. That was amusing. Then, we played sexual!MASH and laughed.

Jason jokingly kissed me on the cheek when we were helping to clean up, though, which kind of made me mad and sad. My inner romantic screamed, "He stole my first kiss on the cheek from a guy!" Blah. I'm very... I dunno, I have all these "firsts" that I like to be special. It just bothered me that that first was only a joke. I'm stupid, yeah yeah yeah.

More profound stuff later! I have a lot to write about and hardly enough time to write it!

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The prompt on the practice SAT discussed whether or not it was true that we often don't appreciate things until they're gone.

In an instant, Matchbox Twenty's Bright Lights blared up in my head. I am awesome.

some things you can't see
until it's too late

and some things you don't need
until they leave you

I should get their piano book.

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mood: nostalgic and anxious
music: Move Along - The All-American Rejects

I found the pictures Patricia took of Michael and me dancing. After--how many years? I can finally look at them without dissolving into giggles and having to cancel the window (This always happens whenever I like someone and try to look at pictures of them. It's really strange). Dear god. That zit on his nose that everyone wouldn't stop talking about really was horrendous. But what really got me was my...face.

My cheeks are hideously white, incongruous with my tan forehead and chin. Badly applied makeup is to blame. My eyeshadow is way too glittery and is a random color that does nothing for my eyes. My eyelashes are way too long and uncurled. My hideous costume--oh, man, I can't believe I managed to put that thing together, stare at it in the mirror, and love it. But the part of the pictures that pervade the entire thing is my ecstatic smile. It's not a huge grin; it's not a shy upwards curve of the mouth. It's a happy smile, one that speaks of satisfaction and "This is all that I've ever dreamed of. And it's enough."

I miss him, sometimes. I hope he's happy. I hope that he hasn't forgotten me. That would be a shame. I wonder if he's been seeing anyone.

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mood: disappointed but anxious yet full of dread
music: Papercut - Linkin Park

So Father just asked me what I received on my last SAT practice test. When I told him 2000, there was a moment of hesitation--a moment in which his face fell almost imperceptibly--before he said, "Oh," his disappointment evident in his tone of voice. I hate that. I always complain about how Mother delusionally thinks I'm this super smart overachiever, but the reality of it is that Father does, too. When I was younger--when I was looked upon as a smart overachiever--he was there, monitoring my progress, checking my homework every night when I started failing in fifth grade math. Maybe he's missed out on so much of my more recent years that in his mind, I'm still that person. That smart little girl who received straight A's and never, ever struggled to keep up with the curriculum. That smart little girl who would become big things, like a 2300-achiever and a world-famous mathematician.

He has always encouraged me to go into fields that not many women choose, wanting me to have the glory of being the first woman to do something. When he finally realized that I have no interest in math because it is definitely not my forte (as it is his), he encouraged me to become a lawyer. When I told him I don't really think I'd walk that path, he just looked really disappointed and assured himself that I could become a bestselling author. I hope I never have to see the look on his face when he realizes that I'm not going to be anything really great. If I'm lucky, I'll be some fairly well-off graphic designer for some big-name company, living in an apartment in some suburban city, dealing with a crazy crush on my co-worker and listening to Matchbox Twenty's Bright Lights in the car. Now don't get me wrong, that sounds like a fine life for me. But it's not anything fantastic. Mother has that whole, "I just want you to be happy" thing down. Does Father? Will he ever? It's not that he gets angry at me for being the best or anything. I'm not annoyed or exasperated at his high standards. I'm just saddened that he really does believe that I can meet those standards, while I sit here with my not-good-enough-for-a-UC 2000, knowing I never will.

In semi-related news, I forgot my calculator when I went to take my practice SAT today. Oh my god, I am a fucking idiot. In addition to that, I was (and still am) sick. Spending five hours answering tedious, confusing questions, cracking my neck at every other even number, trying to figure out how to do a radical on a cell phone calculator, and stuffing myself full of cough drops... Trust me, it sucks. Blah. Glad that's over.

In happier news, we're going out for some Vietnamese food tonight. I begged Mother, since I've been craving it ever since we had those scrumptious eggrolls in Vegas. I've been craving Asian food like crazy lately. It's very odd.

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mood: anxious
music: Only One - Yellowcard

So Mark came over on Wednesday! It was the first time we'd really hung out together, since last time Kelli was there. To be honest, I'd expected awkwardness since the foundation of our friendship is like almost completely online, but I was proved wrong. It was fun.

We watched Cars and I tried very hard to resist squealing and demonstrating my extremely awesome memorization of the script. It was...difficult, but I was pretty successful--well, except for the times when I silently mouthed the words. Heh. Mark predicted a bunch of scenes and didn't know about cow tipping. Odd. Halfway through, I sat on the remote and had to find the scene again. We ate the Goldfish crackers he brought over. They were red and green. They amused me, but I hate it when stuff gets stuck in my teeth! Gah. Hmm, I have the strangest craving for yogurt right now, but I digress. Sadly, I missed out on the best part (the last race!) because Mother called and wouldn't cease talking.

Then, Mother came home and instead of being like, "OMG, A BOY" like we had anticipated, she was just like, "OMG, A GUEST!" and was more mad about me not telling her and the house being "messy" than about said guest. I suppose Mother is pretty cool sometimes. Then, Mark and I (well, he mostly made it while I just stared, amazed, at everything) made iced coffee/tea drinks, which were tasty. Then we worked on the SSR program thingy and I felt incompetent and uncreative. But that's okay! I found a punctuation error in the program from last year and was pathetically proud of myself. (Maybe I could work at a publishing house?) We got distracted while working on it and started talking about people and politics, haha. But that was interesting. Plus, he inadvertently taught me all this Photoshop stuff I'd been clueless about before. I really need to get out of this website stuff and work in other mediums.

After he forced me to draw out a page (oh, the agony! I hate this dumb must-impress complex I have), we watched Titan AE, which was pretty cool. It was interesting to see 2D + 3D animation combined. I giggled at the romance-y parts. We finished at eight-something and his dad picked him up. Hooray for a successful day. Also, I now know how to use our blender! w00t.

Today I went to the optometrist for an eye exam and to try contacts again. (The last, very unsuccessful time was in sixth grade.) It ended up taking too long, so Mother rescheduled the appointment, postponing it until the upcoming Wednesday. After a quick lunch at the Cafe, we went to see the family doctor, whose office is like thirty minutes away. Mother wanted the my weird skin problems diagnosed. Apparently I've just caused abrasions 'cause like... I frequently use my laptop with my elbows on the desk. Also, the back of my knees are usually against the edge of my chair. So I'm supposed to get rid of those two habits and use the medicine prescribed and see if it goes away within two weeks. If not, they'll send me to a dermatologist and...scrape skin samples? It sounded scary in Chinese, so I hope it doesn't come to that.

The doctor also commented on how I was too skinny. It made me sad. She asked me if I was dieting. Yeah, right. This whole weight business is so... I dunno. Complicated. My whole life, it's kind of just been my thing. It's never been, "You're so pretty, Elaine!" but it's always been, "You're so skinny, Elaine!" I've always been so proud of it, in a twisted way. I dunno, it's like... Seeing all the gorgeous girls be super conscientious about their weight and feeling triumphant that I at least have one thing they don't, but... Argh. And I'm always scorned the whole...diet thing. I remember that on the day after Thanksgiving, I asked Mary if she'd eaten a lot the previous day and she gave me this disdainful look and was like, "Ew, no, I don't want to get fat." And I was like, "Ew, not talking to you anymore." Earlier in the year, I started to gain significant weight. My stomach actually had substance! It was shocking and honestly, pretty damn frightening. So I freaked out. Refrained from eating all those random meals in between meals that I was accustomed to. Mark and Jayne both commented that there was a period of time where I seemed almost healthy, and then became way skinny again. Hrm. I didn't even really think about it until I weighed myself in Vegas and the scale read "98.5" and I was like "EEP!" So I guess I'm going to try to fatten myself up again. Apparently I'm also supposed to drink more milk. Sigh. It's not that I don't like milk, it's just that it doesn't go with some foods and I don't usually drink outside of meals, so the milk Mother buys always ends up expiring and I always end up feeling really bad about it. Blah.

Ew, I can't believe school is starting in a few days. I don't want to stay up late doing homework. Also, Amanda just reminded me that we have a Spanish project due on the tenth. Aagh! And I don't even get the weekend to relax; I'm taking a practice SAT test tomorrow. Five hours of relentless torture! I hope I at least get to see John. Now, I'm off to do a bunch of SAT math practice (mlargh) and finish the English assignment. I despise homework.

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mood: restless
music: Pretty Baby - Vanessa Carlton

Sososo, went to Disneyland yesterday. We had fun, though we were missing half of the usual Disneyland Crew. It was Mag, Mag's brother Paul, Kelly, Kelly's sister Sara, Amanda, Duy, and me. I felt a little like an outsider/third wheel at some points in time since everyone was kinda paired up, but that's okay. I was still able to make them laugh, which made me happy. Originally, Diana was supposed to go but...

Okay, so, we arranged for Diana to give me a ride and for Kelly to take everyone else there (Sara's friend had planned on going, so there wouldn't have been enough room for us in the car). We planned to meet at the park at 930. I wake up at 8 in the morning and get ready. At 845, Diana calls me (having just woken up from two hours of sleep) and tells me that she'll probably be late (she'd told me that she'd pick me up at 9). I expected this, since she's terrible at waking up and being on time in the morning. I also expected her to come at, say, 945. Not wanting to bother her, I waited until 10 to call and check up on her. ...Her mom tells me that she's fallen asleep again. I spend the next half hour trying to get her to get out of bed and get dressesd. She resists, goes to do other stuff, blah blah blah. In the end, Mother wakes up and, totally confused about what the heck I'm still doing at home when I'd told her I'd be gone by 9, takes pity on me and drives me to Disneyland on the way to work. I wasn't so upset by the fact that she went back to sleep or that she was taking so long; it was more how she didn't apologize or feel bad at all that irked me. She did tell me that she appreciated me talking to her and waiting for her, and she did call me later to make sure I'd gotten to Disneyland okay, so I guess at least that's something.

Anyway, I got there at 1115-ish and joined up with everyone at Pirates. It was kind of cool navigating the park and going through the motions by myself. I want to bring Jess someday. After Pirates, we had lunch. Hooray for delicious clam chowder! At the rapids, I barely got wet while everyone got drenched. w00t! That was fun. We got the boat to ourselves for once! (We usually always get stuck with a single rider.) Swings, the ferris wheel. For the wheel, Amanda and Duy went on the stationary one while we went on the swinging one. Paul and I screamed and screamed and screamed, though I had fun while he hated it. Sara laughed so hard at us that her stomach hurt at the end of the ride, hahaha. While we were in line, Maggie hilariously wondered why the red gondolas weren't so rocky while the orange and purple ones swung like crazy. The red ones were the stationary ones, ahaha.

Then California Screamin', which Mag and I had loads of fun on. I screamed my lungs out (so much fun!) and halfway through the ride, Maggie just started laughing at me. Last time, Jayne did the same thing, except she laughed the whole time. Mag later told Jayne that she totally understood why she kept laughing last time, hahaa. Then we went on Mulholland Madness, for which the line took forever. I sat next to a strange Asian man with a blue beret. Then, I had a turkey leg for dinner while everyone got food from Plaza Inn. I fed Amanda and excavated the turkey leg with two forks, which apparently amused the heck out of everyone. No idea. Then, we went on Space Mountain. OMG, Duy is like super!nice guy. Since I wasn't there when they got the fastpasses in the morning and the guy wouldn't let me in without a fastpass, I couldn't go on it. It's my favorite ride there, but it would be okay to skip it once--it's not like I wouldn't go a million times this year anyway. But everyone started offering to give up their ticket and I refused. Duy was adamant and gave me his fastpass. We were all telling Amanda how nice her boyfriend was, and she was just like, "Hehe, I know," which was cute.

Then we hit the Haunted Mansion and Big Thunder Railroad. Maggie screamed a lot in the former (Maggie screaming is pretty damn hilarious) and I did a lot in the latter. Hee. Then, Mag took Paul to watch the fireworks while the rest of us got in line for Indiana Jones. When we'd gotten in line, the wait had been 45 minutes, but then the people operating the ride made announcements about extending the time. Kelly was really tired, so we just decided to leave. It was only ten, but my feet did hurt and I was still living on only four hours of sleep, so yeah. Now, pictures!


Mag and her brother!


Meeeeeeee. I love my hair here.


Kelly!


Amanda! She was in the midst of cracking up.

We took pictures of how we looked from the back. In order from the straightest hair to the curliest...


(Amanda, Me, Kelly, Mag)

We hate Amanda and her gorgeous hair. I look better from the back than I'd thought, but even in a picture you can see all my gross ends.


Mag and me! I liked my hair yesterday a lot! I like this headband thing I've got going.


Amanda and me!

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Dum de dum. Jess and I were playing with her camera. I hate the way ponytails make me look really boyish. I envy the girls who look perfect with their hair tied up. My face is shaped weirdly, I guess.








Don't my features look extremely Asian in this one? Hrm.

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mood: content and excited
music: Billie Jean - Michael Jackson

Taking a break. I've been maniacally reading RPS all day. I discovered the joys of Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert! Man, they have a solid fanbase. Not bad writers, either, and the whole...everyone-is-a-liberal thing makes it kinda interesting as well. So my Taito reading was sadly taking a backseat to boredom and random crazy thoughts running through my head. I read some boywholives/dracolicious, but the sugary sweetness domesticity can only last me so long. So, inspired by TIME Magazine's awesome, kickass issue on YouTube and the Internet, I browsed YouTube and watched some of The Daily Show. At first I amused myself with the thought of fangirls pairing them up. ...Then I found THE KISS (well, really, the two kisses) and it was all just too cute! I know I usually hate bestfriend pairings, but I think it's been catching on lately. I can see why it appeals to people. I used to say that it's just too easy, but I mean, even if there's no OMG CONFLICTING I WANT TO KILL YOU BUT NOW I WANT TO DO YOU, TOO OH NOEZ conflicts, there's the whole like, omg shy omg what about our friendship thing. So yep. New fandom. I've been having a great time. Note to self, though: Don't discover new fandoms at three in the morning! I stayed up until six reading, hahahaha. There's some really good stuff out there.

Staying up 'til six wouldn't have been such a problem if I hadn't had to wake up two hours and a half later for my driving lesson! That's right, I went driving yesterday and today. Oh man, I'm definitely not the World's Best (Backwards! ) Driver, but I have to say, it's pretty fun. Stoplights are so boring, though. I want music! The instructor is nice. He had to pull the emergency brake today, heh. I didn't brake quickly enough at a stoplight and would've rear-ended the car in front of me. Oops. Heh. Also, my perception or something is really bad, because I have a hard time telling which lane I'm going to enter once I cross the intersection. At this one junction, two roads split to the left while two proceeded on straight-ly, and I was supposed to go straight but thought the left curvy lane was mine. Oops. And it's not so bad wearing the glasses. I did it for two hours today, which might be like, the longest time that I've ever worn them continuously, haha. That's kind of sad. Mother said she'd make an eye appointment for me this week, but she hasn't, so I guess it won't be a while until I get to try out contacts again.

Disneyland tomorrow! I'm excited, but I hope it won't be too windy. The wind outside is crazy right now: Mister Weather is throwing a tantrum, roaring, making our wind chimes sing, playing toss and catch with the innocent plants in our graden. Father gave me $230 for renewing my Annual Pass! Oh my gosh. I am so thrilled. I'd thought that I'd have to be in debt for like six months, but I'm ecstatic that he's sharing his Vegas winnings with me. Earlier tonight he came into my room and gave me two dollars in spare change (he's always given me his spare change--ever since I was little, I've seen the worth in collecting change) and told me it was for lunch tomorrow. After thanking him, I laughed to myself at the ridiculousness of that statement. As if two dollars could even buy a drink at Disneyland! But tomorrow I'm only bringing $23 dollars, which is like...monumental. I hope it'll be enough to eat. I usually bring something like $65, so it's quite a startling drop. I really don't like not having very much money! But well, at least I have the money that I have. I just won't buy clothes or cosmetics or unnecessary food for a few months and it should get better. Thank god for movie certificates. Oh yeah, I still have to sell them to Jayne's mom. Hmm, I need to remember that.

2007's been pretty cool so far. A new fandom. Braving one of my fears--driving. Talking and laughing with friends. And it's only the first day! Disneyland tomorrow should be great. And Mark's supposed to come over on Wednesday, so that should be cool as well. Thursday will be occupied homework and SAT practice tests--and if I know me, which I do, even more fanfiction. w00t. Friday will be occupied with more SAT practice probably. Well, it'll probably be occupied with the SAT practice I didn't get done the day before. Man, I know myself way too well. Saturday is another SAT test thing at Princeton. Oh man, I get to see John again! Hee.

Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl!

Dancing to this song is addicting, I swear.

Now, resolutions for this new year...

1. Get a 95+ in Pre Calc! (Credit to Mark. If you laugh at my abysmal math skills and/or at the impossibility of achieving this, I will slap you. It's good to aim high? I can do anything! ...Heh.)
   
2. Master WordPress!
   
3. Sleep before 2. (...HAHAHHAHAA. It's a good goal? )
   
4. Manage money better. I've improved drastically in the past year, but I think I could be even more thrifty in some areas. Clothes should come before makeup, right? ...I really hate being a girl, sometimes. And loving sushi and sashimi sucks as well. So expensive, aah! And the whole smoothies = favorite drink thing makes me spend extra money everytime I see Tropical Smoothie, Jamba Juice, or Juice It Up! Gah. I like to eat too much.
   
5. Practice violin mooooore. Master bowing. Because damn it, girl, your bowing is crap, and what kind of section leader has terrible bowing?
   
6. Play piano. Because I miss it. I'm always too lazy to go down there and even just tap a few keys, but I mean... I did like it. I really did.
   
7. Master commerical graphics. I want to learn how to do practical stuff instead of just pretty website stuff. I need to get up off my ass and learn this shit.
   
8. Personality wise? I'm pretty damn happy with the way I am now. I suppose I'd like to try to be even more reasonable and way less jealous of everything. Talk to more people? Try to be more open-minded and fun with people outside my "comfort zone". I think I'm doing pretty well in the initiating conversations with friends area, but I'm still afraid of annoying them. Hopefully I'll get over that stupid fear this year.
   
9. Speaking of fears... I never did talk about how proud I am of going on the Hollywood Tower of Terror at California Adventures. I really, really am. Though everytime I ride an elevator I freak out and think I'm on the ride, it's worth it to know that I...well, not conquered yet, but am on the way to conquering that fear. I think I'm brave enough to go on Maliboomer this year!
   
10. Read more! Novel wise. I'm really disappointed with the lack of novel-reading I did in the past year. There's a lot of dystopian/must-read stuff I want to catch up on.
    
11. And of course, I want to try to eat more healthily. I need to build up a vegetable tolerance, that's for sure.
    
12. Oh, duh. I want to get a good, solid score on the SAT.
    
13. And decide where I want to go to college, what I want to do, all that...stuff I should know by now. [dies]

I really do hope I get as much accomplished this year as I did last year. But more than that, I really hope that I have at least as much fun this year as I did last year. How strange it is to call yesterday "last year"!

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