mood: sad and paranoid
music: Unwanted - Avril Lavigne

Sometimes, in the quiet moments, I wonder if people ever think that my friendship is not worth the trouble.

I wonder who I annoy. I wonder what parts of me people dislike. I wonder what annoying habits I have. I wonder what I'm oblivious to.

What do I do that is just part of me that annoys everyone? Does it annoy anyone when I look in the mirror? When I gush about stupid things? When I squeal? When I laugh? When I talk? When I hug them? When I say, "OMG, OMG!"? When I tell people my opinions? When I tell people my secrets? When I tell people my problems? When I ask for help? (I don't.) When I celebrate my grades? (Do they think of it as bragging?) When I giggle and say, "OMG, I'm like, so sexy!" When I say stupid things like, "Half of 43 is 11.5!"? When I try to tell everyone about everyone else?

How about when I can't offer them any advice or comfort when they're down? And when I can't help them with homework? And when I don't know what to say? And when I purposely don't say things so that I don't anger anyone?

And when I'm insecure? Unsure? Scared? Happy? Paranoid?

I wonder if anyone ever thinks, "Elaine is the best friend ever." I wonder if anyone has ever hoped that they would never lose my friendship. I wonder if those friends I've lost ever miss me at all.

Does it annoy Kelly that I can never answer her Bio questions? Does it annoy Erin that I blatantly express my annoyance at discrimination? Does it annoy Mark that I'm not as smart as he thinks I am? Does it annoy Maggie that I snap silent at "fag" and "gay" so quickly? Does it annoy Diana that I know what I do wrong and yet I continue doing them? Does it annoy Amanda that I keep telling her that she can confide in me? Does it annoy Jayne that I know what a conceited bitch I am and yet I continue being one? Does it annoy Kristine that I keep talking about missing her and yet when she comes to visit, I don't know what to say to her? Does it annoy Jess that I go out so much and don't talk to her about feelings or anything and that I laugh so loudly and am constantly on the phone? Does it annoy Mother that I love my friends so much? Does it annoy Father that I didn't score full points on both the PSAT and SAT and that I don't have a 4.3 GPA? Does it annoy Beth that I tell her things? Does it annoy Nina that I always need a ride really late when I'm over? Does it annoy Wendy that we always seem to invade her house? Does it annoy Mr. Michel that my voice is so high and that my shirts reveal a lot of skin? Does it annoy my teachers that when I talk, they have to strain to understand what I'm trying to say?

I try not to think these things anymore.

But sometimes it's hard to ignore the fact that somewhere out there, somebody doesn't like me. I have only so many friends. I only know so many people. At least one of them must secretly dislike me.

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mood: optimistic
music: Irreplaceable - Beyonce

More pictures here!


The Amphitheater Kids at our best. We all look so lovely: Maggie is cute!pretty, I'm today!pretty, Jayne is tomboyomg!pretty, Erin is classic!pretty, Kelly is rocker!pretty, Amanda is gorgeous!pretty, Diana is Hollywood!pretty. Yay!


Mark and veryhappy!me.


Courtesy of Jayne's polaroid cam!




The best friends in the entire world.


Shorties!


...Tall people?


Jayney and me! Slouching a lot.


The classic stairs picture, except done wrong. :D




Jayne, Mark, and me! Oh, what we have lost. This picture makes me wish that there was no such thing as change. (and everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking about somebody else)


Where's Waldo? Not among the millions of Asian faces, for sure! But there is sexy!Elaine!


Me, Mark, Jenny, Dominic. With the splendid backdrop of...vending machines.






Duy and Amanda are so OMFGperfect together.


Kelly and Mag! This cracks me up.


Kelly pimping her "That's right, bitch" expression. Diana is the devil. And Jayne..."OMG, shoes!"


Winter Formal makes for a very pleased Elaine. ...And a very tired Duy.


The after-party, w00t w00t!

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mood: ecstatic
music: A Moment Like This - Kelly Clarkson

Oh my god oh my god oh my god. February 10th, 2007 = Best. Freaking. Day. Ever. It kicked Flashback's ass, hands down. OMGdakfd;k. It was perfect...absolutely lovely and fun and oh my god! I can't stop smiling; I can't stop thinking about it. It's been three days and I'm still composing my journal entry--I don't want to forget a single detail. Mark--or really, anyone--would be wise to skip this entry. All that drama, all that frustration culminated in this one night. This one night, in which I felt almost like I got everything I've ever wanted. I don't think that anyone had as lovely of a time as I did, and I don't know if anyone feels the same as I do, but... The downpour? So worth it.

I want to recount the night before anything else, because it just... It just outshone everything else, by far. So at approx. 410, Mother dropped me off at Kelly's. I asked her to help me with my bags (I had brought my sleeping bag and stuff since I'd be sleeping over), expecting her to leave right after dropping them off, but she actually ended up staying to partake in the parents-taking-pictures madness. Jayne said that she even waved at her, which is really weird. Anyway, Amanda arrived at the same time as me, and Kelly, Erin, Mag, and Mark were already there. After nervously complimenting everone, I hugged Mark and we confusedly exchanged flower things. I think I forgot to compliment him, in my nervousness. I felt really bad afterwards, since he looked so nice! Also, I couldn't put the boutonniere on him because I was afraid of the pin, heh. Mag ended up having to do it, though she did it wrong, so Beth had to fix it later. Oops. Heh.

We all went to the backyard to take pictures. Dale made us stand in the grass and we shrieked a lot in protest. ...Or maybe that was just me. I'm sad that I wasn't able to get individual pictures with everyone! We all looked so fantastic, too. After taking a billion pictures, Diana and Jayne arrived, so we had to take about a billion more, ahaha. I do love pics, though they all just kind of look the same. They're really nice and pretty flattering, though. There was a funny moment when I asked what the firepit thing was, and Mr. Michel (I think) said it was either a firepit or a barbecue. I walked around it and then was like, "Oh, well, since it says 'FIREPIT,' it's probably a firepit!" and we laughed.

Then, we piled up in Wendy and Beth's cars and drove to school. Wendy used the term "Venadies," which startled me. What is with everyone adopting my lingo? It's kind of freaky. Anyway, we met up with the other Amphies and Duy, who looked nice. A few weeks ago, he was like, "I'm so excited to wear my suit!" Hehe. After Mark and I and Amanda and Duy got our pics done (I'm going to look like a whore, damn fuck it; they took my bad side ), the popular kids started arriving en masse, so we laughed at them and at their tasteless/slutty/short/all of the above dresses. One of the chicks' dates was a guy with brown hair that Diana said was Kyle, but I don't know if it really was. That would be...beyond weird. Wow. I still remember being totally grossed out about being attracted to him and being really sad when I found out that he was leaving PV for Lakeside in sixth grade. (He was the first guy I ever liked.) After a while, the rest of our group showed up and we did the group picture, though one of our tickets got lost along the way, which was really weird.

Mark and I discussed European geography (and I was totally embarassed as usual because I'm always really interested in all these things that I'm not good at) and got stuck on capitals of the Scandinavian countries, so Jayne had to call her stepmom to ask her to google them for us, ahaha. Nerds at heart. When we got in the limo, we sang Fergalicious at the top of our lungs and Jayne slipped Mark some condoms as a joke, ahahah. At Buca, pretty much the moment we sat down, the argument over money began. Oh man, what did I say. I tried to argue to split the check for each "group" and let each group deal with it from there to save conflict, but after I was ignored/shot down, I just sat there, silently playing with the ribbon of my purse, letting them argue to themselves. Mark at first argued, but then gave up as well, and told me that he wasn't going to say anything 'cause they'd probably just get mad at him again. So I told him about how this happens every time we go out and how it sucks.

In an effort to keep our end of the table (Erin, me, Mark, Kelly, Mag, Amanda, Duy) entertained, I asked the server for some pens. When I got up to do that, Diana was like, "What the hell are you doing?" and maybe I was just being paranoid, but when I said that I was going to get pens, I felt like I could feel the weird stares. The entire night, you could just... The Amphitheater Kids and the other girls, we were like oil and water. Even put in close quarters and compelled to mix, we unconsciously resisted. I felt very alienated in that moment, and realized how true all that stuff Diana says about me only having best/close friends is. Later, Diana and Jayne (our two resident extroverts) expressed their disappointment about our lack of socializing throughout the entire night--I asked them if they had really expected us (especially Erin and me) to mingle with the Venadies so readily, especially when we were there as a group. I was exactly right in my predictions: it was Amanda, Duy, Erin, Mark, and me keeping to ourselves; Maggie trying to console Erin/socialize at the same time; Kelly switching between the two groups; and Jayne and Diana socializing with the Venadies more than with us. I hardly got a word with Di at all the whole night, which was disappointing, but not surprising. Oh well. As long as we both had a good time.

Anyway, Mark and I shared a raspberry ice tea and he realized too late that I hate tea, ahaha. It wasn't bad, though. I had ravioli, which was delicious as usual, though after a bit, my gag reflex started to kick in every time I swallowed. It was really weird. Everyone was so worried; it was really sweet. Mark told me not to talk or eat for a few minutes, so we exchanged notes on his placemat, hehe. Oh, and on the way to Buca, he told me that he was paying for dinner. Awwww... I felt really bad, but really touched at the same time. I'm glad I got to contribute $2, at least. (At first I only gave a dollar because for some reason, 11 + 11 added up to 21 in my head, HAHA. I really am crap at math.) When we were leaving the restaurant, I accidentally opened the door to the bathroom on Diana. Oops!

When we got to the dance, Security was disaposing gum/checking bags, so Mark had to hold the condoms, ahaha. Jayne says that they noticed them in his pocket when they checked him, but they didn't say anything. This amuses me like crazy. Anyway, at the dance the two of us switched between walking around with our arms looped & talking and dancing (in the relative vincinity) of everyone else. I tried to freak with the group, but just gave up after a while, so I danced with him and a few of my Amphies. I discovered that it's really difficult to execute Elaine!Dance moves in a dress. Though my makeup was whorey enough, a shorter dress would've been easier to deal with. I was still able to get low, at least! I did not feel very hot, though. At one point later into the night, I actually got stuck on the floor and had to be pulled up, ahaha. Oh, well. Mark held my jacket for me for a while, which was really nice. When I was telling Jayney about how he'd talked about helping me into the limo and holding the door for me, she said that I was super lucky to get a date with the last chivalrous guy on the planet, hahah.

Slow dance? Yeppp. One of my favorites--Lifehouse's You and Me--too. It sounds so stupid typed out, but it was a beautiful moment. There is an indescribable loveliness to holding and being held by someone you treasure. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. After it was over, the DJ played like five seconds of All My Life, so I was like whoa, two in a row? Awesome. Then, the DJ made some announcement and Amanda and Duy came up to us and I was like, "OMG, aren't you going to dance to your favorite, Amanda?!" but she said her arms were too tired from reaching up since Duy towers like a foot over her, which I found hilarious. After the announcement, Mark was leaving the dance floor, so I was like oh well and decided to keep my promise to Jayne to dance with her while simultaneously not being a clingy bitch and making him dance. So I grabbed her and she was like, "You don't have to," but I said, "I promised," and we danced, though it wasn't very serious. I felt like it was kind of a waste because we were kidding around half of the time and she didn't seem very into it, but she told me later that it was the highlight of her night, so hey. Then she said that I was really stupid to keep that promise and that she wouldn't have said anything disparaging about it (I was afraid she'd always be like, "Oh, well, why should I trust you since you didn't keep your promise that time"), since it was like, I had a date but I was slow dancing with my ex? Mark implied something to the same degree. I feel bad. I'm so dumb.

At one point, Mark and I went to use the restrooms and I laughed at him because he went the wrong way, and when I went in, the bitchy sophomore whores there mocked me shrilly and then were all, "Oh, sorry we're blocking the mirror, hahaha" and wouldn't move. The fuck? I just ignored them, though I wanted to say, "Yeah, well, fuck you, you're ugly, and you can stop trying to fix your makeup 'cause ain't nothing gonna make you look pretty!" But eh, two wrongs don't make a right, so whatever. And well...wasn't going to let anything get me down, yeah? Not with the best date ever. He even held my hand a couple of times throughout the night. It was... I know it's fucking stupid, but I couldn't stop smiling. (It made me really happy.) He tried to teach me how to swing dance, too, but I have terrible coordination, so I can't do dance steps for shit and felt bad, haha.

A lot of the last fifteen minutes we spent dancing around Erin in an effort to get her to join us. I felt really bad for her; she was totally excited about that night but ended up really disappointed. At least Jayney was expecting to have a not-so-great time... Poor dears. I feel really guilty that I enjoyed myself so much while they were both kinda just like..."Bleh." Sigh. I guess you can't please everyone. Before we left, Mark and I went to look at the ocean one last time and talked about our eyes and the light playing tricks on us. I was sad that it was over and tried to savor the moment as best as I could. After we got our stuff, Kelly asked, "Do we get our gum back?" and was all upset because it'd been a brand new pack, haha. I guess I would've been a little upset, too, but it was pretty funny.

On the way to Buca, I'd thrown caution to the wind and had laid my head on his shoulder. To my surprise, he'd put his against mine in kind, but soon after, had told me that Jayne was watching us. I felt bad so I stopped, disappointed but pleased at the same time. In the limo on the ride back, I gathered my nerves up and laid my head on his shoulder again, and he laid his on mine. We remained like that for the rest of the ride. It was one of the best moments of the entire night. At one point, I lifted my head up and he pushed it back. When we arrived at school, we separated and he gave me a hug. I grabbed him nervously and really flustered-ly kissed him on the cheek. I kind of aimed incorrectly and then looked away quickly in embarassment, but...

All I could and can still think about is how lucky I am. Even if everything was platonic... He still asked me and said that he really wanted to go with me. He still slow danced with me and held onto me the whole night. He still took my hand and cuddled with me. But most importantly, he showed me what a good friend I have in him. And for that, above all, I'm really lucky. And even if he doesn't feel attracted to me at all, I'm still going to remember this beautiful night for the rest of my life.

<3

3 Comments

mood: excited as fuck
music: Dirrty - Christina Aguilera

Basketball game last night! Wow, I've been doing a lot of spontaneous hanging out lately. I guess it's not as bad as I've made it out to be in the past. Okay, that's a total understatement. It's pretty cool. Also, I love how Mother's being way more reasonable lately about me going out--esp. since I just kind of tell her what I'm doing instead of asking her for permission. It's interesting. Anyway, Beth picked Jayne and me up and we rushed to school to hear Erin's solo (the first one of which we missed anyway, haha). I did my hair in pigtails! It was cool. I didn't think it looked all that great, but Jess and Jayne both said it was really cute. Yay! I like that I can actually follow basketball, hahah. At football games, I'm always just cheering whenever the entire crowd is cheering, heh. After the game, we stuffed Erin in the back of Beth's car and partied. Well, okay, we got Wendy's and then sat in the parking lot of Heritage Park eating it. But it was fun. For once, it wasn't Amanda or Kelly who'd brought up Disneyland--it was Jayne! Hopefully we can go some weekend when Kelli is coming back, and Mark can use the free ticket Erin got from doing a band event for D-land (since she has an annual pass, she doesn't need it anyway). And we'd be like, omg uber group! Maybe next Sunday? If it works out. Or something. I love Disneyland. And I adore my friends.

Let's see... On Wednesday, Jayne's mom let her ditch first period, so she hung out with Erin and me. We got a dozen donut holes for a buck (WTF?)--it was the first time I'd had donut holes--and then Beth picked us up and took us to Erin's house, where we played WiiSports and laughed at the Miis. God, that console is awesome. Everything hurts like a bitch after playing, though. We walked back to school and they made fun of me for various things, as usual. We saw a dead rabbit on the side of the street, and it made me think about how short and unpredictable life can be. We also passed by the shed at which Jayne told me that she loved me more than Jane. Good memories.

The day before yesterday, Mother took me to Kohl's to look for something, but I ended up buying a bunch of other stuff. Oops. Umm, at least everything was on sale? And I satisfied my craving for new clothes by buying three shirts for only twenty dollars? I think I'm going to return two of the things, though, since I feel really bad because the total was a LOT. Somehow. Sales are deceiving!

Oh my freaking god, I can't believe Winter Formal is tomorrow! I'm going to be really tired tomorrow night, hahah. Hopefully really happy, too. It all seems so... I dunno! I can't believe it's actually tomorrow. After it's over, it's probably going to feel really anticlimatic. Or just...I dunno, weird! (And then I get to await the arrival of my SAT scores, hooray.) Tomorrow is going to be so tiring. Getting up for a hair appointment at 10 is going to be a pain in the ass. Struggling not to mess it up for the rest of the day is going to be even harder! Especially when putting my dress on... Stupid, stupid me didn't even think of a lack of a zipper as being a problem--I was seriously just so focused on getting a dress that would actually not have three inches of empty space around the chest! Ugh. Also, I hope that it will stay up, haha. And that my feet won't hurt that much. OMG, I'm excited to see how everyone's going to look! I bet someone is going to be unexpectedly really gorgeous. Not me, for sure! Oh, well. I just hope that I won't look too ugly or slutty. And besides, it's not as if looking fantastic is the most important part, right?

Poor Duy. He told me that Amanda is mad at him for getting a suit instead of a tux. She really wanted him to wear a vest. He was sad because she was making it to be her night instead of their's. I talked to her and though she didn't seem that upset, I think she has a habit of understating things, so I dunno. I told her that it was okay that he didn't have a vest, since it's not about the clothes, but about them being together at a special event. I hope the message got through.

I got my report card yesterday. And loved loved loved it. I think that it was the best that I've ever done--straight A's, but with a twist: not a single A-!!! I'm so proud. :smile: Especially of Harwood. I still wonder what I got on my final essay.

I've forgotten what it's like to struggle in Orchestra, but now I definitely remember! I can't do fast notes for shit, aagh. After all this WF stuff, I'm going to try to practice a lot.

Father left on Tuesday, after only a week of being here. If it wasn't already there before, it's getting to the point that like... He really is away more often than he is here. He's changed a lot, too. But I'm just grateful that he still cares and comes home to us. I always wonder what it's like for Jess, to not have really grown up with a father who is absent from her life a lot. I realized only a few months ago that he doesn't come to our concerts, even when he's here. He used to. He used to leave work early and drive for 40 minutes just to see us play, but we don't even tell him about them anymore. It makes me sad that I don't even consciously not invite him.

Before he left, he came into my room, actually sat down, and told me that he really thinks that I should do the portfolio program thing. And that he thinks that it would be a great opportunity for me and that he really thinks that I have the ability to get into Art Center. Hah... And that the money doesn't matter. And like... The last thing he said before walking out the door was "Elaine, please think about it, okay?" I... I feel very strongly about leaving my weekends free to hang out, but I feel so guilty just thinking about letting him down. I could say, he's been letting me down ever since he started traveling, but that would be a lie. He just wants the best for us, the best for me. I wish we wanted the same things. I wish he knew me better.

Well... Happier thoughts, think happier thoughts. Winter Formal tomorrow! !!!!!

ETA: My GPA is finally a 4.0, I think!

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Saturday's Schedule: (at the moment)

10:00 Hair (transpt: Beth)
12:00/1:00 Makeup @ Nordstroms (transpt: Beth)
> lunch? <
2:00/3:00 Return home (transpt: Beth)
?:00 Struggle to put on clothes, jewelry, etc.
?:00 COMPUTER/probably phone/hopefully study Bio (HAHA YEAH RIGHT)
4:00 Kelly's house for pics (transpt: Mother)
~
5:00 Meet everyone @ school for photos (transpt: Wendy/Dale)
6:00 Limo pickup
6:30 Reservations @ Buca
?:00 Leave for the dance
?:00 Dance
12:00 Limo drop off @ school
~
?:00 Kelly's house for sleepover (transpt: Wendy/Dale)
> gush <
> pass out <

OMFG I STILL HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT WHAT TO DO WITH MY HAIR

AGHH

ETA: To-Do Before Saturday
- paint fingernails
- get rid of skin problems/blackheads
- figure out what to bring
- figure out what to do with my hair & makeup
- wash clothes
- pack for Kelly's
- ...and lots of other things I can't think of.

2 Comments

mood: impatient
music: Talk of the Town - Jack Johnson

So, the guy-buying-tickets issue is so dead. Still, it's really annoying to see how like...how this modern society still adheres to ridiculous traditions like that. Today, I heard about a girl complaining about her date not paying for one thing of hers. It's not even her ticket or anything. I am, frankly, very disgusted. I'd expect people to be more sensible, but I guess not. I don't understand how any girl's conscience could let her let another person pay over $50 for her (and without getting anything in return!). Wow, I've always been jealous of guys for being...not-girls, but I mean, this whole thing is so discouraging. Why would anyone want to pay $2350238 for someone else, thus letting her attend the same event as him, but free of charge? How the heck is that fair in any way?! And it's like, oh, but it's because he gets to take a date to the dance! ...So does the girl, but she doesn't have to pay? Hrmph. And, well, I dunno. It reminds me of the whole, like...men taking care of the women blah blah women = submissive housewives blah blah. In other words, stupid, outdated gender roles that don't apply to us anymore. It's not as if we're not capable of coming up with our own money. It also reminds me of prostitution, but maybe that's a little extreme. Though if the rule is "you ask her, you pay for her," then it is not that different from getting a whore....

Another thing it reminds me of is this discussion I once had with Amanda. We were talking about relationships, and I was telling her about how this guy was telling me about how he was really confused because his girlfriend kept wanting him to treat her like they were friends, instead of like...omg!mushy gushy attached-at-the-hip couple. She was like, "That's so stupid. What's the point of going out with him, then?" I thought this was very interesting and revealing. Some people yearn for that stuff, and some don't. Some people are romantics, and some people just aren't. Some people adhere to tradition and customs almost religiously, and some people really don't. It's very interesting.

Ew, my three huge blackheads are really gross. I just squeezed the smallest one out today (finally), which is a relief. The other two are way too deep and almost completely hopeless, though. I'm going to use Mother's steamer thing and steam my face tomorrow, which will hopefully help. I want to go to Formal completely acne/blackhead-free! Blah. Ooh, and I got nail polish and false eyelashes today! The polish is lovely; I really like it. It's like a silvery pink, so I don't feel too boring/girly/bland. The eyelashes are so fun, too. I had to trim a lot, though, to make it not look monstrous, and ended up messing up one of them a little, oops. Applying them is hard, though. Well, it's just that I can't seem to make the ends stay down. Oh, well. Practice makes perfect. I think I'm going to ask whoever does my makeup to put false ones on me, and if they don't have them, I'll run over to the MAC counter and get some or something, and maybe they'll help me put them on. They're so pretty!

Mother also randomly splurged and got me two pairs of shoes today! One is an super cute pair of peep-toe heels (you know, the kind that kill your feet after five minutes--the kind I never buy, haha) and the other just comfortable sandals.

In math, Anthony called one of his friends a "faggot". It's funny how I wasn't even listening to their conversation, but that word stuck out like the devil. I wasn't in a very fantastic mood for the rest of the period. It was awesome how upon hearing the word, Jayne instantly turned around and patted me assuringly, though. It's nice to have a friend who really understands. I guess nobody's perfect, though, 'cause last week, she said "faggy elf" when she was talking to Diana. I was very disappointed in her, but I suppose that can't be helped. In English, we had to write essays about how our experiences have made us different from our peers, and Jayne and I both wrote about being bisexual--and we both put "fag" in the paper! I put "whore" as well. I hope that isn't bad, haha. I wrote about unofficially coming out of the closet and what it feels like to be discriminated against because of who I am attracted to and scorned because of the ideas I advocate. At one point, I went off on a tangent about how teenagers are so ignorant, and yet so vicious.

I'm tired, now. More tomorrow.

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How do you balance fun and living in the now with preparing for the future?

The more I think about it, the more it seems impossible. The Venadies are like...so uber prepared, but do they have fun? I dunno. Do they hang out? I dunno. It's hard to imagine people having as much fun as we do, but I'm sure it's possible. And then you have the people who go out every day and party after school and drink and do drugs and all that shit--sure, they have tons of fun. But their futures ain't necessarily too bright. It's the ticket thing, again. Sometimes, you've just gotta give up one for the other. Life's funny like that.

Jess spilled Gatorade on the cam she got for Christmas. Mother took her to the SonyStyle store in South Coast today to fix it. Since the computer was broken or something, they ended up just giving her a new camera. It was black last time. It's white this time. Pretty cool, though a little impractical.

My weird skin abrasions are going away. This makes me happy. My gross sock tan ruins the look, though. Oh, well. I'm also eating a lot in an effort to grow a chest within five days. It's impossible going. Amanda's doing falsies, and now I want to too, because it sounds so cool and pretty, but also really scary. Surgical glue?! This one website had a warning to not apply the glue to the eye because there is a risk of gluing your eye shut. How freaking terrifying is that! Aagh!

2 Comments

mood: all funned out but excited
music: When You Were Young - The Killers

So, Mother was randomly in a good mood this afternoon and didn't even flinch when I told her I was going to Erin's house after school. Awesome. We went to Jayne's first and helped her clean her house and watched music vids and stuff. I love her polaroids! Erin and Jayne made fun of me for not being able to lift things, but it's okay. Then, Diana and Jayne went to Thanh for some yummy Pho while Erin and I headed over to her house for warm cookies. I pigged out, yay! After Di and Jayne arrived, we watched Avatar and I ate like twelve flavorless tofu thingies. Then, we watched South Park (ehhh--well, haha, at least I didn't fall asleep) and Diana made fun of me for reading Erin's Ranma 1/2 but I retorted that at least I didn't watch Naruto. Having Diana as a friend is so fun because we can both slam each other like crazy and totally get away with it. Today I told a great joke: There was some shirtless guy in the gym and Di was like, "Ooh, shirtless guy," and I couldn't see him; when I did, she made fun of my bad vision, but I said that I "just look over ugly people" and then I looked around above her head and said, "Diana, where'd you go?!" Oh man, that was good! Hee.

Anyway, I talked talked to Jason for like ten seconds and explained my zoophobia. It's always funny to talk to Jason alone, since I'm usually screaming or yelling around him when there's other people around. ...That sounded so sexual. Anyway. We played with Erin's Wii and made ourselves; then we played WiiSports, which was super fun. OMG, I kicked everyone's ass at Boxing. I beat Erin, then I beat Diana, and then I even beat Jayne! It was awesome. I don't ever win at anything! My arm and leg ached so badly afterwards, though (and my arm is still sore, heh). We played Tennis, Bowling, and Baseball too. They were t3h awesome. Mark and Kelli were there too, but they had to bake a birthday cake for Mark's mom, so they didn't get to play with us. Some other time, maybe. These Friday night at Erin's things are becoming more and more frequent. Erin made me mac & cheese for dinner, but it ended up soggy because we distracted her and she forgot she was cooking it, hehe. Oh well. The apple-grape juice was really good. We didn't get any of the chocolate satin pie that Erin promised us! Aw, man.

Anyway, we played until we were super worn out, and then we just made a ton of people on the Mii thing, including the rest of the Amphitheater Kiddos, Jason, Kelli, and some guys Jayne/Diana are hot for. At 11, Erin's dad dropped us off and frightened me with his driving. Dude, he didn't freaking stop at ALL at the Stop signs, and he swerved like crazy! Aah! Well, it was an exciting end to a fun day, I guess. Haha.

Yesterday, Father took me to some lecture thing in El Monte about design and art portfolios and stuff. There was some cool stuff, but I mean, it was mostly just about how technology's shaping and changing the world and how design fields are at a high right now. Nothing I didn't know before. Then, some Asian chick talked about how Asian parents were narrow-minded in wanting their kids to go for medical/law jobs blah blah needed to expand horizons blah blah. Father was really into it. It was weird spending like four hours with him. He scheduled an appointment to meet with a counselor, and I was like, okay, whatever, it's free. So today I went to the appointment (in freaking Arcadia) with both Father and Mother (how weird is that), and ended up being really annoyed. They didn't even like...ask me if graphic design was the way I wanted to go before they started talking to the annoying lady about enrolling me in classes and shit. And Father... Oh gosh. The lady was showing him the list of courses for Graphic Design, and upon seeing "Drawing I," he was like, "Oh, she doesn't need drawing. She's taken art classes before. And she's very good--she even won first place in a national competition before. Oh, we should've brought the plaque!" OMFG. I already hate it enough when Mother says things like, "Oh, but if you can't handle this class/figure this out, the other kids in your grade must be struggling like crazy!" Sure, it's nice that they're so confident in my abilities. But it really pisses me off. I don't deserve that. None of what they think is true. They think I'm like, some great prolific writer with fantastic essays and fascinating stories, and some web guru who is the master at computers. I'm freaking nothing like that. And he even told the lady that I had a 4.2 GPA. The hell?!

Ugh. That competiton was nothing. And I won statewide, not nationally. And just because I took classes for a long time doesn't mean that I'm any good. When I told the lady/Father this, Father was like, "Oh, haha, she's so modest. Too modest, I think. She blah blahb alh BLAH BLAH BRAG BLAH OMFG I WAS SO ANNOYED YOU HAVE NO CLUE.akdjf;lak So annoyed that I was tearing and nearly crying. And then they started talking about picking target colleges and all this prestigious shit and ugh. They started talking about classes, which would be like...every Saturday AND Sunday until like...March Senior year or some shit. I was like, fuck no. On the freaking spot. I just finished SAT classes. I'm not doing this weekend stuff again. EVER. To be honest, I don't care enough about my future and all of this stuff enough to give up my weekend fun time/alone time. Plus, Mother never lets me skip on any kind of class, so I'd be stuck with classes 24/7 on weekends since it takes so long to drive there and the classes are super long, and I'd never get to hang out or anything. No way in hell.

Again, Father kept talking about skipping the drawing class because I was already educated in that. I was like, "No, I don't think that's right 'cause I'd probably need it" and then ugh, just... We talked to this other, more-in-charge lady, too, and she was all, "Fill in all of these forms for me, please!" And they were all enrollment forms. And I was like fuck no, but I filled them out anyway. She showed us a sheet of paper with the course prices on it. I almost freaking fainted when I saw the "total". $6000 something. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?! NO. NO. AND NO. We don't freaking have that kind of money to spend, and even if we did, I would NEVER let us spend it anyway. Father's all, "If you get a scholarship, it'd be worth it," but yeah, right, like I'll be able to get one with my utter lack of creative skill. Ugh. So when the lady was like, "Okay, now pay," I was like, "Can I go home and think about it first?" And she was all startled. She annoyed me a lot. Adults who are too nice and way too flattering (she kept sucking up to my parents, I swear, and Father totally ate it all up and was like...making conversation with her and asked for her namecard and stuff) bother me a lot. He even like...told her a bunch of stuff about my supposed personality that wasn't even true. I couldn't help but think, "What would you know? You hardly ever see me, much less talk to me and learn about my personality." But in the end, she let me take the stuff home to "think about". What is there to think about? That's a lot of money I'm not willing to make my parents spend, even if they are willing.

Besides, what happened to being an editor? Does that require creativity? Hrm.

Also, she made me do some "Art IQ" test, and started telling us about my personality and shit. It was all just crap, but my parents ate it up. They kept asking, "Wow, Elaine, is that true?" And I was just like, "No." Both before and afterwards, she kept assuming these things about my personality. It bothered me. I hate it when people tell me what they think I'm thinking/feeling. Ugh. Anyway, it was just a really annoying afternoon. And sure, I'm a total drama queen, but ehh, whatever. I was really annoyed. Afterwards, the three of us went to eat Korean BBQ, which was good.

Oh, I went driving this morning! Ahaha, I'm such a bad driver. Like, not a dangerous driver, but just a bad one. I swerve in the lane a lot, apparently. I'm too tense. I have a bad perception of stuff. But I got way better today! Parking is really hard. Also, red lights are boring. I can't wait until I'm allowed to listen to my music on the car. But my worst problem is the speed limit. I drive way below the limit. Oops. Heh.

OMG, it was so awesome when in Bio, I was like, "Kelly, guess what I'm going to do this weekend! You'll never guess." And after a brief pause, she's like, "Watch Cars?" And I was like OMFG, WTF?! How awesome is that! I'm sad, though, that I didn't have time to watch it like I'd planned. I didn't get to play the video game with Jess, either.

I'm looking at old Myspace pics, and I kinda miss my old hair. Not the gross dryness or super weirdly kinked...wave-thing, but the color. I dunno. I know it didn't look all that great on me and that it made me look like a wannabe Asian slut, but it made me feel...special, I dunno. Different. But that's all Old!Elaine and her need to impress everyone and look fantastic 24/7 (which failed!), I guess. New!Elaine has black hair. And is proud of it? Not really. But at least it's clean and soft?

Winter Formal is in...five days? Five days! I'm glad everything worked out. Or well, I hope that it will. Mother returned my purse for me today. I have to now decide between Jess's black bag with the pink ribbon and Di's black bag. Damn. I hate decisions.

I fell asleep halfway through this entry. This is why it is so choppy. Oh well. I'm tired. I've been really tired lately. I haven't stayed up until dawn in forever!

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mood: not terrible
music: Our Town - James Taylor

Diana has been liking my new makeup style! This makes me happy. She even said yesterday that I have really good taste, and that I just can't put my stuff together correctly, hahaha. Yeah, she's pretty right. Lately, Jess has been wearing my clothes more and more, and she always looks like...five times better than I do. And they're my clothes! Oh, well. Mrgh, Di did totally bash my outfit on Tuesday (esp. in comparison to Amanda's--my favorite her outfits, actually, but yeah) and on Wednesday morning, I suddenly totally lost like 20958930 bars of self-esteem and went through about fifty outfits before just saying, "Screw it," and throwing on a random cami.

Outside right now, it's like...completely grey. Grey clouds completely blanket the entire sky and cast grey shadows down on the grey concrete. Kinda scary. I hope it doesn't rain.

In English, he put us in alphabetical order by last name, and it's like...Jayne [person] me [person] Kelly, which sucks, but I guess at least we aren't at like completely opposite sides of the room. Today we discussed MLKJ's "I Have A Dream," which is my favorite speech. The writing is magnificent. It was pretty cool, though I didn't really speak up in the discussion like I wanted to. Damn. It's weird not having any Venadies in my class. It's also a little annoying to have Ray in front of me, Cody behind me, and Tarun next to Cody. Oh, well. I still don't really know how to act around guys. I think I still do like...a third that superior!Elaine with total attitude, a third ditzy!Elaine, and a third suckup!Elaine.

My hair feels really soft today. I'm washing it everyday, now, which is supposed to be really bad for it, but it feels healthier than ever, so I'm just kinda like... Oh, well. It's 'cause the slight oiliness of the second day after it's washed randomly began to really bother me. And every day, I'm like, "Oh, I'll wash it tonight and just won't do it tomorrow," but I always manage to find some excuse to wash it daily. The only problem is that I keep waking up to really messed up hair and have to straighten it daily as well, which is probably terrible for it. Blah. I wonder if I'm ever going to get that $100+ T3 straightner/curler/waver.

I've been calling and talking to my friends way more recently. Well, mostly Jayne, because I'm kind of still terrified of bothering or annoying my other friends. Diana and Mark, especially, I'm still really afraid of annoying, but I'm getting there. Slowly. I did IM Mag on Tuesday, though. Also, since Kelly and I have every class (but one) together, I've been talking to her a ton lately, esp. telling her a bunch of random thoughts and feelings and stuff. She said that she likes to talk to me. Amanda has been online more as well, and we haven't talked about anything significant really (we never really do), but talking at all is good. I miss U.S. History with Erin already, but we both have 1A open, so hopefully we'll get to talk then.

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mood: nervous
music: You're Beautiful - James Blunt

I feel bad because I spent the entire night/morning worrying about how people would take the limo thing, and this morning when I saw Kristine, I forgot to wish her a happy birthday until Mag reminded me. I was even thinking of calling her at midnight last night/this morning, but I forgot this morning, after all of the limo stuff. At least I gave her a hug.

I told Jayne first, and she took it...just kinda stoically. Well, at least there was no protest. I'm bloody freaking terrified about telling everyone else. I was going to tell Mark, but he left to save a seat for English. Oh well.

I saw Melissa, my freshman tennis friend, today on the way to library and said hi. I feel weirdly exposed to her, now. It's odd to have people who are not in my ring of friends have insight to my life and my thoughts and my feelings. I even told her about Mark asking me. I won't see her anymore, though, since I'm in a different PE and Orch class. It's kinda funny, like, I realized that I would always tell her about my life and my thoughts and stuff, but she'd always just remark on random, trivial, vaguely interesting things. My sentences always began with "I" while hers always began with "Isn't it interesting that..." Haha. Ah, insight into Elaine's self-centeredness.

Math sucks. I fell asleep yesterday in class already, and it was only the second day. Also, I struggled with homework the first night. Who the hell struggles with the first lesson? Well. At least I wasn't the only one. The small portion of Pre-2007!Elaine that still exists within me wryly comments on the fact that there are a bunch of people that I know in that class--and no uber Venadies 'cause they're all in the class above us--and yet it's the one class in which I won't be able to show off my madskillz. That sucks.

Okay, now I should actually do homework. Heh.

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