mood: bleary
music: Billie Jean - Michael Jackson

So Orch concert was on Tuesday the 17th. Went well; definitely one of our group's better performances. For "Mock Morris", Mr. V had us in a bizarre seating arrangement, with the Second Violins where the Firsts usually are, so Jayne and I sat third row on the edge ('cause we're third stand). But Jayne chickened out and was too scared to sit on the very edge, so I did, and man, did it feel good to like... I dunno, feeling so conscious of everyone's eyes on you just...is such motivation to do well. I can't describe it, but I felt so powerful and into the music--and I was really flushed, I think, although that may have been for other reasons altogether. After we played, put our stuff away quickly and then hurried to the theater to watch Symph Orch. The Messiah was really cool; it was fun watching Mr. V sing, hehe.

Wednesday's Choir concert was nice; always do love those holiday songs. Sadly, Jayne had no money (they charge $5 for admission), but luckily, the Michels were going, so I got a ride from them and tagged along. Officially met Lauren, who's really cool. Sat next to her and we were talking and stuff, which was nice. She asked me, "So how come you're not in anything?" and I was like, "Oh, I'm in Orchestra, and I was in Marching Band, and I'm the Jazz II vibist" and she was laughed and said, "Oh, well, that makes up for it," haha. I felt very musical. Ended up getting there too late, so we didn't get great seats, but Mark ended up singing to us anyway, which was cool, haha. Messiah was still pretty cool second time around, and I had fun joking around with Mr. Michel before it, as they were moving everything onto the stage. We laughed at Mag, who looked really pissed the whole time, hahaha. Asked to switch seats with him so that I could see better, and he made fun of me. He used to scare me shitless, but now we get along really well, and I'm not so paranoid about him judging me, and I really like him a lot. It's nice. I chased after Mark to congratulate him after the concert, but he was in a rush and wouldn't give me a hug. Hahah, got to talk to Mag afterwards for a bit though, so that was cool. Usually she leaves super fast!

Thursday night went to Jess's concert at PV, which was...extremely long. I kinda had a lot of homework and stuff, so I kinda regretted going, but Jess's solos were pretty cool, and it was interesting to hear middle school ensembles. PV has a jazz ensemble now! So cool. And they have it zero period, too. Pretty chill. Their Orchestras were amazingly good; the lower one had a really strong cello section and THE most adorable Concertmaster. He was so freaking tiny, but so freaking adorable. I wanted to snatch him up from the stage and take him home. I hope that if I have kids, they end up as cute as that little boy, omg. Their upper orchestra was really good, like better than our lowest, which isn't saying much, but still, they had a really strong violin section. That was pretty awesome. Oh, I put Jess's main solo song thing on YouTube here. I'm proud of her.

Although I have to say... Oh, man. Mother and I were so embarrassed when her band walked onto the stage, because she was, frankly, dressed like a total slut. Everyone was wearing like normal, conservative concert clothes, but she had on like a top with spaghetti straps that crossed in the back (mine, ahem) and a skirt and it was just...a hell a lot of skin, especially since she's so big. Oh, man. It was...amusing, to say the least.

Okay, it's way too late to be up (for a winter break, haha), so good night!

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mood: vaguely disappointed
music: So Close - Enchanted (LOL, I hate Mark for introducing me to this song; I feel like such a sappy girl listening to it and actually liking it.)

Jealousy is so petty! I wish it'd go away!

The same thing seems to happen every year, mrgh. But I won't cry this time. Because I cry enough about school nowadays; I don't need another reason to, hahaha. Besides, I finished The Golden Compass (first time since I was like eleven?) tonight, and I really, really enjoyed it. (And I'm so freaking proud of finishing a book without school obligations--I'm still trying to get to reading The Other Side of Paradise...) I never noticed all the religious elements before, but man, is Pullman anti-Church, hahaha. So freaking good though; I remember finishing the series and like...not putting it on my favorites list just 'cause it seemed to be missing something. But man, I'm reading the series now, and it's like... This is so freaking good! Love it love it love it. Now I want to see the movie again (saw it with Di last week) to compare, haha. Mag said she was just going to wait until the DVD comes out, and Erin said she's going to see it with Kelli, so maybe Mark and/or Jayne will see it with me. Usually, I'd take Mother, but it wasn't good enough for her to see, and I don't think she'd really get it, even though the movie's totally watered down. Or maybe Mother'd finally let me freaking go see movies on my own... I'm seventeen, for god's sake.

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On Saturday, I wanted to plan an outing for everyone to go see The Golden Compass, but... I got lazy and ended up just going to Di's with Jayne and Ryan for Di and my annual viewing of the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Hot stuff, man. Some of the stuff was really cute, and well. The girls definitely were. Alessandra was beautiful as always, and I finally found out who Miranda Kerr is, haha. And it was definitely fun to gush about how hot all the girls were with Jayne and then gush about how cute (or uncute) the outfits were with Diana, LOL. Best friends ever. Totally have the best of both worlds. We ordered pizza and meatballs and cheeseballs and stuff, too, so that was cool. And then Nina came home with like five different sorts of cake/pie and this yummy thin mints ice cream, mmm! Good stuff.

The next day, I went to the Spectrum with Jess to do Christmas shopping. Bought a ton of stuff, including three things for myself: two cropped sweater things that I am totally in love with because it's a cute new look and a cute necklace (THAT I PROMPTLY BROKE THE NEXT DAY WHEN I WAS MOVING THE VIBES AAARGH). Oh, and like, a smoothie, haha. ...And sushi. I can't afford my own Christmas gift this year (I usually buy something uber for myself), so... Heh. I indulged a little. But anyway, Christmas shopping was...as always, exhausting. Spent at least an hour in Target, and it wasn't a methodical hour, either. I labored like crazy over what to get the teachers and parents. And then like I was about to pay when I realized I hadn't chosen something for Mark's mom, and she'd like...given me a lot of rides and had even taken me out to dinner and stuff, so then I had to run around the store again looking for something, haha. I don't want to step foot in there again for a very long time, haha. Bought a ton of things there, though; I think I spent $60? Eek. Well, it was exhausting, and I wasn't even finished yet! The rest of the week was spent finalizing stuff... Christmas is so stressful.

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Because the other times, fanfiction is truth.

Truth so true that it hurts.

It's not easy to relate to the villain.

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mood: indecisive
music: Do You Only Want to Dance? - Mya

So Friday the 14th, went to TMP with Mark and Jayne to watch Enchanted and August Rush. Was enjoyable, and I was very happy that Mark really liked both movies; means that I actually have a sense of his taste! Yay. Got Dibs and a Sprite, which they both enjoyed, yay. Mark asked to sit in the middle, which was cool, and he and Jayne talked a lot, and I felt a little left out, especially since I really need to talk during movies, but I like both movies so it was okay. Although later Mark went to the restroom and Jayne complained to me about similar feelings, so I was just confused, haha. But it was cool; I amused myself by trying to stay warm. Mark shrugged me off his shoulder so I went to go sit by Jayne, who let me lay in her lap and use her jacket as a blanket. God, that theater was cold. But then I spilled stuff, so I went back to my original seat, hahha.

OMG, funniest thing ever though: In the middle of Enchanted Jayne started complaining (loudly, as usual) about how ugly Idina Menzel is, and this old lady in front of us (there were like 3 couples in the theater besides us) totally randomly turned around and was like, "I know!" and then they discussed how ugly she was for a few minutes. Mark and I were like, ""..." LOL, it was hilarious. After Enchanted, we couldn't find the August Rush theater, LOL. We ran around suspiciously for a while, before we realized that it was in the theater at the very front, hahaha.

Watching August Rush was my third viewing of it, since I'd seen it once after Mag's birthday with my mom. But it still made me all happy. And melty. Freddie Highmore + Music = Lovesick Elaine.

After the movie, Mom dropped Jayne off and then dropped Mark and me off at Erin's. I felt bad that we were late, but it didn't end up being a big deal. Mr. Michel took Erin, Kelli, Mark, and me to this "Madrigal Dinner" thing at UCI, which was like a reenactment of a dinner Henry VIII would have for Christmas or something. Anyway, it was cool, and Mark entertained himself by repeated "Huzzah!" and "Indeed!" incessantly, like a little kid, hahaha. Sat with some chick and two guys, who were nice enough. They served cheese and crackers (that I happily ate with an insane amount of butter, LOL) and salad and this yummy potato soup and some good cider and bread and slices of roast beef or something. I don't remember how, but the other people at the table found out that I don't eat meat, and assumed that I'm a vegetarian (which is totally reasonable, haha), so when they started to serve me the meat, they told the server that I was a vegetarian, and the server (really nicely!) was like, "Oh! I'll get you a vegetable platter right away!" and I was like... "Oh shit" LOL, because I don't eat vegetables...

So they served me the plate, and it had... Carrots, cauliflower, asparagus, and broccoli. HAHA. Man, how embarrassing. I tried to eat the stuff, I really did. It was...interesting. Carrots with tons and tons of salt sprinkled on it to disguise the flavor? Not as good as it sounds. Finally, I gave up, and Mark took some of my asparagus, and Erin helped me disguise my plate to look like I'd really eaten stuff, hahaha. (I teased her for being a little too good at it, hehe.) I felt so freaking bad. But then there was a lot of singing, so I was distracted. The music was pretty cool, and I liked the costumes a lot. How fun!

Mark was exhausted, so I let him sleep on me on the ride home. Mr. Michel tried to make him walk me to the door, but I said no because he was so tired. Poor thing. But yay for a fun day (albeit quaint).

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mood: hot and bothered yet a melting puddle of sappy goo...huh?!
music: The Game of Love - Santana & Michelle Branch

love is
whatever you make it to be

---

Sometimes, fanfiction is just as bad as chick flicks.

Clouds your mind; makes you think there's more to love and sex than there really is.

But only sometimes.

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I should really refrain from reading old conversations about unpleasant topics...whether or not I'm trying to clean out files. Just uncovered one that just about killed me when I had it, and well.

It's funny reading conversations that you know you were crying in.

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mood: relaxed and excited
music: Get It Shawty - Lloyd

jeans tight, high heels
this is how you make me feel
lips glossed teeth white
apple bottoms let me bite
spend the night catch a flight
we can do what you like

One of the questions Di asked at Mag's party was whether we would be really hot or really smart. After much debate, I chose intelligence, but man, it's always such a hard question 'cause like... I just think about how much power pretty girls have over me, and it's like, oh gosh, how great would it be to have that kind of power over guys. But I think it'd get old after a while, and, well. I know what it's like to have people pursue you just for your looks, and it's...unpleasant. But, still. I am such a sucker for pretty girls.

And yet, I usually fall for guys. It's pretty interesting.

So, you have to meet Miranda Kerr, my new love...





She reminds me of Jayne's Gemma Ward, a bit. She looks hideous when she smiles, and she's actually not that photogenic, but man, watching her on video... Oh, gosh. This is the first pic that I ever saw of her (from the Victoria's Secret online catalogue), and I totally fell in love, but I couldn't find her name until I saw the VS fashion show...



She makes me feel hideous, haha. [dreamy sigh] There are a lot of rumors of her dating Orlando Bloom, though. Why does he like to steal all my women?

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mood: pervy
music: Get It Shawty - Lloyd

I know I'm a total perv, but god, I love showgirls, and god, I love skankily dressed girls. I still remember walking through Stardust and being very, very interested in the showgirls walking around in their sequins and feathers and, well. Not very much else. That was when I was, what, nine? And I always forget how hot the chicks are here in Vegas--today, we were walking around and, man, seeing the casino waitresses walking around in their cute little leotards and their firm, long legs... Oh, man. I want to take one home!

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mood: excited, kinda
music: Damn - Matchbox Twenty

So on Wednesday the 12th, Mark, Jayne, and I stayed after school until Erin got out, and then Mr. Michel drove us to Mark's house to work on the Marching Band card for Mr. V and Mr. A. Mark served us dip and hot dogs and orange juice while we worked, yay! He was kinda snappy, but Jayne and Erin were kinda slacky, so I guess it worked out in the end. He didn't have to be so mean to me, though. He lectured me for a while because I asked him what color paper he wanted me to cut out. Oh well, I guess. At six, we dropped Mark off at work and then went to Costco to go buy an iPod Nano for the gift.

Picked up KFC (made the decision for everyone to go there--the choices were Costco, leftovers, or KFC--just to prove Mark wrong) and then went to Erin's. Mark was supposed to meet us there after his work, but he didn't end up coming. We basically wasted hours and hours watching South Park and Futurama and Robot Chicken and stuff, and now I know what Erin does at home that lets her not do homework, haha. I was a little annoyed because I kinda needed to go home and do homework, but I didn't want to push it too much. So I just reminded her at brief intervals to work on the card. Unfortunately, we didn't finish before we had to leave, but Erin promised to finish it by the concert the next day.

When I got home, realized that we didn't mount the extra pics that we had onto the card, so went over to Erin's again the next day to help her with that (and coloring the card). We had a good time. Then, Mother picked me up for calltime. Performed in Jazz II, which was fun, even though I could barely see my music because the outdoor lighting was really bad. We didn't sound very good, but I had fun. At least my solo at the beginning of "Open Country" sounded good! Then, hung around the band room until Wind Ensemble went on. I'm still really mad that I missed Percussion Ensemble's performance, grrr. I was so excited to see it (I am every year), and I was even more excited because I know like everyone in there! But argh, I forgot to pick up a program and was hanging around my friends and gah! So stupid; I'm so freaking mad at myself.

Wind Ensemble's performance was awesome. Mark had a lot of solos, yay! Oh, but before, I went into the theater with the card and the gift bag (that I bought at Ralphs at lunch, hahaha) and sat randomly on the ground with it, waiting to go on stage to present the gift with Mark, Jayne, and Erin. Mark was really cool for letting us go up with him; I mean, obviously it was fair since we'd done a lot for it, but it was still really nice of him. I felt very special holding the stuff, heh. But anyway, Mrs. Nelson nudged me and told me to go up on the stage with her and that we could go after her. I was so shocked that she recognized me! How awesome. Mr. V and Mr. A were really excited about the iPod, which was cool. It always gives me such a great feeling when someone likes a gift I give them.

After the concert, Mr. Michel took Jayne, Erin, Kelli, and me to Denny's, which was quaint but enjoyable. Got to talk to Mr. Michel a lot; and I learned about his past and stuff. It was pretty cool. The food that I ordered was good, too! French toast and bacon and...something else, but I don't remember what, haha. But it was tasty! Yay.

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mood: lazy
music: The Hardest Things - 98 Degrees

So December 8th, went to Disneyland with the Symphonic Orchestra/Wind Ensemble/advanced Percussion peeps. Were supposed to go at like nine, except Nina was giving us a ride, and, well. Diana is very...slow. And Nina isn't much better. So we (Tiffany, Amanda, Di, and me) didn't get there until noon, LOL. But we told everyone that we'd been there forever, going on all the rides, and they believed us, HAHA. Got some passports renewed and then met up with Mag, Kelly, Jayne, Erin, and Jinling at the...Mexican food place; I dunno the name, haha. Erin, Jayne, and I got Fish N' Chips and joined the rest of them at a big table. Lunch was quaint.

Don't really remember the order of everything we went on, but we hit Matterhorn, Space Mountain, Big Thunder (well, the others did; Amanda and I went to California Adventures to get her new pass), Astro Blasters (I pwned alone, LOL, even though my arms were exhausted by the end of the ride from holding both guns up) Star Tours, Indiana Jones, Jungle Cruise... Unfortunately, in the middle of the day, it began to rain. Heavily. Ran for shelter in indoor rides and then hung out at the store outside of Star Tours for a while. Tiffany and Di and then Mag, Jayne, and I did the Star Wars face editing thingy where they put your face in a Star Wars promo pic, and oh man, was it hilarious. I was Anakin, LOL. With like. Makeup. My makeup looked really good, too! Hehe.

Had dinner at Pizza Port, but Di, Jayne, and I went to get stuff at the Buzz Lightyear because we don't like the stuff at Pizza Port. I got this really yummy turkey club sandwich, mmm. Stayed in Pizza Port for a long time, too, because it was still pouring outside, and we'd hit all the big rides. We had a lot of fun talking about random things, and there was a lot of laughing. It was fun talking about sleeping in class with everyone, ahaha.

I think we went on Space Mountain afterwards, and it was really, really fun; Amanda, Erin, Jayne, and I screamed our heads off the entire time, OMG. I feel so sorry for everyone else in that car, but man, that was pure awesome. Then, we stopped at the arcade for a while and Kelly and Amanda did DDR while Tiffany, Di, and I attempted the Soulja Boy dance, HAHA. Fun stuff. Then, we watched Alex Tsai be one of those insane DDR players, and then Tiffany and Di got this...weird purple ball thing from the plushie cranes. Or maybe that was before Space Mountain. Hmm. Oh, well. Then, Mag and Jayne and Kelly argued about what time they had to be back with the school people, and while they called people to ask, Tiffany, Di, Amanda, Jinling, and I went to the dance floor at the Buzz Lightyear place, LOL. It was both fun and hilarious to dance there. We should do that next time, haha! God, I want to have a party with blaring music and dancing.

Jayne called and demanded we meet them at the entrance of Tomorrowland, so we ran there, except we realized halfway that we'd lost Jinling, LOL. So we ran around searching for her for a while, and ended up finding her on the way back to the entrance. Oh man, how scary! I felt so freaking bad. It was really dumb to not exchange numbers, but it's hard to remember to do responsible things at Disneyland, haha. Oh great, now it sounds like I go there to smoke weed or something.

There was some more epic arguing between Mag and Kelly and Jayne about whether they had to go before fireworks or after fireworks or what, and then Jayne yelled at us, and then it was just all very exasperating, so I yelled at them to shut up and just split up if it's that big of a deal. They didn't listen, so in the end I just gave up and went to join the boy-crazy tittering Di, Amanda, and Tiffany. Eventually we split up because they decided to leave (later I was told that Mr. A didn't meet them until like 10, LOL), and Di, Amanda, Tiffy, and I went on Indiana Jones and Jungle Cruise and stuff. I don't remember what else we did, but Mother picked us up at like eleven something, and man, were we exhausted. I fell asleep on the way home, haha.

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mood: relaxed
music: Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely - Backstreet Boys

Grrr, I lost my first draft of this. :( Stupid ghetto blog. I need to learn Wordpress. Well, I think Wordpress has an automatic draft saver. Anyway:

Picked up Amanda and Jayne, and Father drove us to Mag's house, which is nice but is in the middle of freaking nowhere, haha. I felt bad making him be our taxi, but he didn't seem to mind too much. Hopefully. Then Mag's dad and Ty drove us to Spectrum. I really like Ty; he's really cool. Wendy seriously has good taste in men, haha, and she gets them, too! And she's smart and pretty and successful and has two smart daughters and wow, I never realized how lucky she is, hrm. At Spec, watched August Rush, which is now one of my favorite movies! The plot was kinda cliche and totally chick-flicky, but OMG, Freddie Highmore plus a movie about the power of music with a message of never giving music up? Oh man, I'm so there. I freaking adore that movie. Took my mom to see it, then took Mark to see it, whee. And man was that kid beautiful. I hope Kristine saw it, and if she didn't, what a shame! The scene at Juliard where he refuses to go with Wizard? I was so melting in my seat, OMFG.

After the movie, got in the queue (hehe, WoW battleground queues) for Cheesecake Factory and then went shopping a little. Kelly freaked out about the sensor range and went back early with Erin to check on our reservations. Mag wanted this pair of earrings but it came in a three-pack with two pairs that she didn't wnat, and since it was her birthday, I offered to pay for the other two pairs. One was a nice pair of hoops and the other was something that I figured Jess would be able to work into her outfits. Walked back to Cheesecake and got seated outside, which nobody initially wanted, but ended up being really nice since we were so loud and obnoxious, hahaha. Dinner was really, really fun. I don't really remember any of the conversations that we had or anything, but I remember a lot of laughing, and I remember that everyone was involved. It felt really good. It always does, when we're all together and just having a grand ol' time--I love feeling like part of something bigger than me. Had this yummy shrimp scampi, too, mmm. Oh! I do remember that Di and Jayne argued over some character in Grey's Anatomy's name, LOL. And they asked like a bunch of random people walking by and even like random waitresses, LOL. I ended up calling Mark to settle it, and Diana won. Hehe.

Shopped around until ten, yay. Bought Mag's gift card, and there was some dispute about how much it should be. Kelly really, really wanted it to be $20, but I was kinda like, "No," and she really pushed it (not forcefully but like whinnily?) and I was kinda annoyed 'cause it was like... Well, you know, that's great that you can afford that Kelly; I wish I could give her $20 too, but I don't have that much money! Eh, oh well. I don't really remember the verdict; I just remember being kinda exasperated. Ty and Mr. Wang picked us up and drove us back to Mag's, where we sang Mag "Happy Birthday" and had cake...from the Bakery, LOL. Then, we went downstairs and partied. Played Rummy-O, Brain Academy, took crazy pics, texted boyfriends, played Zelda, you know the deal. At one point, I made everyone shut up because I heard someone's phone vibrating, except it ended up just being Jayne snoring, LOL.

At like 2 or something, we set up the sleeping bags and mattresses and stuff and settled down. Obviously, we stayed awake, though. Had an intense heart-to-heart session, which was really enjoyable. We talked about death, love, family, personality, beliefs... Everything. It was really, really enlightening, and I learned a lot about both my friends and myself.

One question was "Who's the first person you would die for?" Di, Mag, and Amanda all said their moms. I awkwardly said Diana. She was very touched, but I was a little embarrassed, haha. And then there were a lot of like... Who would you rather die in this situation, blah blah, which was really interesting, too. We also talked about like abortion and what we would do if we got pregnant in this situation and what we would do if our spouses had an affair and sex before marriage and how religion ties in with all of this. And we shared our biggest flaws and insecurities and our dream spouses and our first kisses and everything. It was really great. And we even talked about how glad we were close enough to be able to talk about all of that and not feel uncomfortable, and how it wasn't awkward at all.

One of the most interesting questions came at the end, when Kelly asked us how our families have influenced us. Kelly told us about how after her parents' divorce, there was a period of time when her mom struggled with a lack of money, and it was really hard on Wendy, not being able to buy them what they wanted. And Kelly said that that's why she's so frugal, which actually explains a lot. I thought she was just like that, haha. Di talked about her relationship with her mom and how ever since she was little, Nina's really influenced her to like...not be like her, haha. Like to be really strong and opinionated and not a pushover in any way, which is really interesting, too. I talked about how my distance from my family has really influenced me to be really independent and like...not needing family contact and develop my own opinions about the world, which is pretty much what my college essay was about, haha. But it's also influenced me to be really susceptible to my friends' opinions and really dependent on my friends, kinda. Erin went after me, and said that she was pretty much the opposite of me; she's always been really dependent on her family, so this year she's trying really hard to not be like that, and she's getting a lot better, even though it's hard.

Finally went to sleep at like 530/6, haha. Woke up at 9 because Mag had to go to church. Erin and Kelly left, too, and then Nina picked Di, Amanda, Jayne, and I up a little later (Mag entrusted us with the house key). Decided to go have breakfast, so we went to Marie Callender's for brunch, which was very quaint. After that, Nina dropped us off at home.

It was definitely one of the best birthday parties we've had.

















The mannequins were sexy. My arms slipped around the girl's way too easily, but mmm, that boy's outfit was hot.

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mood: accomplished
music: Everybody - Britney Spears

The dreams get more and more intimate, and sometimes I'm scared that I want this too much. It was Extended Lunch and we walked to this Asian Smart & Final while the rest of my friends drove in someone's new Lexus, and I looped my arm in his and he took my hand. He gave me an assignment and told me that he was counting on me. And on the walk back, he kissed me.

In other news, I am finally done with freaking gifts. Just finished doing my family's, and I feel so freaking good to finally be done, haha. This Christmas season was somehow really, really exhausting. And now I have to pack, woo. And I think I'm going to write my family cards this year. If I'm in the mood, I guess.

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Because this is a classic, and I stayed up last night reading it, and loved it. All from Yamato's POV:

Don't you just hate those kind of people who go around baring their souls to the world, peeling back every layer of themselves to show everyone exactly who they really are? I do. They cry all over you when they're upset and they jump around squealing when they're happy, and they want everyone to *know* them so well.

---

I used to look down on people who got jealous easily and sneer, because they were letting their emotions control their actions. I ruled my feelings, not the other way around.

---

I hated every moment of it, because I knew he would never feel the same way for me. I was just making myself miserable, but it isn't as easy to fall out of love as it is to fall into it. With Bikiro - I forced myself to think about it - there had been this *something*, I dunno what, an instinct telling me he liked me too. With Tai it just wasn't there.

---

I opened my eyes to look at him, and smiled sleepily. He was so - okay, no, I guess nobody's perfect. Tai least of all. But he was so... right. And yet the whole thing was so wrong. I sighed, gazing longingly at the smaller boy. If only...

---

I wanted to sing, I wanted to dance. But I just sat, very quietly, and basked in the marvellous feel-good rush that was pouring over me in waves. Just... just WOW, you know? Maybe you don't. I tell you, everyone should get a chance to feel this good. If you're not in love, find yourself someone NOW. It might be hard work getting yourself noticed, but it will all be worth it in the end.

---

There was another thud sound, which I took to mean that Taichi had slumped to his knees. The unmistakable sound of a sob being wrenched out of a person by force came to my ears. Taichi was crying… for me? I struggled for a better grip, but my fingers were too sweaty. I dug the toes of my shoes into the wall to try and help. Perspiration ran in rivulets down the side of my face. If Kelimon found me now, she might not cast me down. She might throw Takeru into the pit, or Taichi. I couldn’t let that happen. I’d rather be killed.

"He’s my best friend," Tai said, in the same hoarse voice he’d used earlier. Had he been crying then, too? I’d made him cry. God, I felt so guilty in that moment. "You can’t… you can’t just kill a guy’s best friend, just…" He broke down sobbing again.

---

Yamato shook his head. "But either way, Taichi is a wonderful person! He's been the best friend I've ever had! I can't risk all that because I *might* be a little attracted to him!"

---

"Taichi... deserves someone better than me." Yamato said softly.

"No, he deserves to have someone that he loves!" Mimi said happily. "And he loves you!"

"Just because your ego is tiny doesn't mean that Taichi doesn't love you, Yamato."

"You think I could make him happy?" Yamato asked slowly, blushing.

<3

God, I've missed having time to read fanfiction! There's nothing like it.

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mood: relaxed
music: You and I & I - Matchbox Twenty

I'm skipping Mag's birthday for one entry because I wrote this huge long thing and it got lost accidentally when I was reading fanfiction and clicked on something and refreshed the page, so now I'm mad and I don't feel like writing it over yet.

So Jayne and I went to Mark's house after school this one day to help him with Denice's Secret Santa gift, and it was fun. I got to wrap stuff (this was before the chaotic week of wrapping--after which I never want to wrap a single thing ever again) and Mark reprimanded me for being too much of a perfectionist, hahaha. We watched Aladdin, which was one of my favorite movies when I was little, yay! He's so cute. It was the first time that I'd been at Mark's (like actually came over), so that was cool. We looked at his childhood picture albums (so cute!), which is always interesting. You learn a lot about people that way. I never knew that he was so attached to his sister when he was little. Drank the potato soup Jayne made, ooh. His mom asked us to stay for dinner, which was so nice! His dad didn't want us to, though, which is totally cool, so we went out for Pho, yum. I like his mom a lot (then again, I pretty much like all of my friends' parents --the ones I see, anyway), and I'm glad that we actually know each other this year.

Okay, more later, time for lunch!

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mood: helpless
music: This Time - August Rush

Physics A - Sacks
D-
Warning: D or F Grade Possible
Missing or Late Assignments
Poor Test and/or Quiz Grades

Time to emo. I'm like. Beyond crying. This is just... I don't know. WHAT THE FUCK ELAINE WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM A D-?! AND YOU FAILED YOUR TEST SO NOW YOU ACTUALLY HAVE AN F. LIKE. AN F. IN A CLASS. NOT EVEN AN AP CLASS. NOT EVEN AN HONORS CLASS! JUST STANDARD FUCKING PHYSICS. YOU ARE SO FUCKING DUMB, WOW. AND ITS NOT EVEN LIKE YOU DON'T CARE LIKE HOW ERIN'S FAILING GOV AND FAILED CHEM UNTIL SHE STEPPED UP HER GAME. YOU JUST DON'T FUCKING GET IT.

WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO MAGGIE AND DIANA? WHY? WHY?!?!?!

YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TAKEN CALCULUS EITHER. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TAKING CALCULUS FOR?

SO STUPID

SO FUCKING STUPID

I should've followed my instinct and dropped both of these classes the first day, when I sat there with everyone and just was like..."No." Now, I want to follow my instinct and drop both of them, but... Is that the best decision?

Mark always rags on me about being indecisive. Well. Whenever I do make decisions, they always seem to be the wrong ones.

AAAAAAAAARGH A FUCKING F

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...LOL, I really should finish my essay. But I'm like...learning about Amanda and stuff! [/excuse]

1. Who is your hero?
Diana and Mark

2. Who's the last person you had a sleepover wit?
Amphitheater kids! Yay!

3. Do you swear often?
Hahaha, I'm your typical teenager...

4. Are you crushing?
Very much so.

5. When was the last time you cried?
Last week when I missed Jazz again :(

6. Do you use lyrics to express how you feel?
Like obsessively, hahaha.

7. Are you ashamed of your past?
No. Although I'm embarrased about certain elements of it, hahaha.

8. Where does your grandma live?
Taiwan

9. Anyone close to you ever died?
Not super close, but close enough.

10. Who's always there for you unconditionally?
Honestly, I wouldn't say that anyone is there unconditionally. But one of my friends is always there, for which I am more than thankful.

11. What is your favorite TV show?
What's TV?

12. What was the last song you downloaded?
August Rush stuff!

13. Who was the last person you yelled at?
Jayne and Mag and Kelly at Disneyland

14. What was the last compliment you recieved?
Jayne said that my hair looked nice today, but it wasn't even straightened! Blegh.

15. Do you have a laptop?
Yessir, and it's like...my life. No joke.

16. Are you going on vacation in the summer?
Senior trip, baby!

17. Do you ride roller coasters?
To a certain extent, haha. Disneyland FTW.

18. When was the last time you saw your best friend?
Mark this morning; Di on Saturday; Jayne like four hours ago.

19. What's your full name?
Elaine OH NO I CANT DISCLOSE IT :)

20. Have you ever thought about turning gay?
Have you ever thought of turning straight? OHHHH BURN! And WTF, you don't turn gay. -_- Oh, and I am gay.

21. Do you have good memories with old friends?
More than good. :) ...That sounds kinkier than I meant it to.

22. Have you ever been to Hollywood?
Yes

23. Are you wearing a necklace?
Haha, I had to look down for a moment, but no.

24. What jewelry can you not live without?
I think I could actually live without jewelry, but earrings are the closest things.

25. Would you date the person who posted this?
Umm. Awkward, LOL. I don't think so; Amanda's not really my type. But I love her fashion sense and her hair!

26. Are you happy right now?
Happy enough.

27. Do you regret anything that you have done?
Yes, immensely.

28. What are you doing tonight?
An essay, and hopefully starting on tomorrow's HW.

29. Do you trust people?
It's hard for me, but I do.

30. If you were someone else, would you be friends with you?
YES, SO FAST

31. What is something you say when you're mad?
"Wow"

32. What family member do you look like?
None to me, but everyone says I look like either my mom or dad.

33. What friend will be coming over to your house next?
Everyone, hopefully, haha.

34. Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Like a thousand times, haha.

35. Who is number 1 on your top friends?
Mark

36. Why is this person first?
Because he's my best friend, and we've become so much closer this year, I really feel like there is an incredible connection between us. :)

37. Do you like messages or comments better?
Both? What a sad question, LOL.

38. What is your favorite beverage?
OMG SMOOTHIES.

39. Have you ever seen your best friends cry?
Yes

40. What kind of vitamins did you take as a kid?
LOL, Flintstones.

41. What is the last thing you ate?
Tostitos chips and french onion dip! I'm trying really hard to gain weight, haha.

42. Did you get any compliments today?
Yes, Jayne said that my hair looked nice. Although Mark told me that my perfume was unpleasant, so does that cancel out?

43. What are you going to do after this?
Finish my essay, heh.

44. Are most of your friends guys or girls?
Girls

45. Are you friends with your neighbors?
No, they tried to sue us, haha.

46. What do you do before you sleep?
Write in my journal! Yay.

47. Where have you lived throughout your life?
Virginia, LA county, here...

48. Last piercing you got?
Ear piercings for Christmas in 2004!

49. When was the last time you drove more than 30 minutes?
Like May, LOL. I'm terrible.

50. Do you get distracted easily?
On my computer, yes.

51. Do you have kids?
...Yes, five of them.

52. If so where are they?
In your pants. Give them back, please.

53. Where was your default picture taken?
...LOL. Disneyland.

54. Is there anything silver near you?
Tons! A spoon, my mouse, my cell phone, this random cord...

55. Have you ever tee-peed someone's house?
Nope

56. Have you ever had a crush on your sister's/brother's friend?
LIKE A WEIRD ONE LOL IM SUCH A PEDOPHILE

57. Have you ever gone to a beach?
Yessir

58. What do you usually do first in the morning?
Convince Jayne that I'm awake, hang up, attempt to get up, and then fall back asleep, LOL.

59. What were you doing at 1 AM this morning?
Physics homework. I'm so exciting.

60. Do you have any enemies?
Not that I know of?

61. Would you ever want to swim with the sharks?
LOL NO THANKS.

62. Would your parents get mad if you got suspended from school?
No, they would throw me a party.

63. First prom date?
Jayney!

64. Do you wear contacts?
Yes, but only when I go outside of my house.

65. How do you get to school?
Via Mother in a car, haha.

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mood: awake
music: Give It To Me - Timbaland

Because surveys are sinfully fun, and you learn a lot about people by doing/reading them.

1. Name something that made you frown today?
My Physics test score. ...WAH.

2. What were you doing at 7:00am
JAZZ!

3. What were you doing 1 hour ago?
Wrapping gifts

4. What is something you will never forget?
Winter Formal

5. What was the last thing you said aloud?
Does singing count? "Would you date me on the regular?" ...LOL.

6. How many different things did you drink today?
I accidentally finished Amanda's apple drink, LOL.

7. What was the last thing you bought?
Lip gloss for Kelly's gift.

8. What color is your room?
BRIGHT FUCKING BLUE

10. Vanilla or chocolate?
Vanilla AND chocolate! :)

11.What are you excited about?
Friday; party!!!

12. Are you random?
Quite. Do you like cookies?

14. Do you have plans tomorrow?
TONS. CPK, Orch concert, Barnes/Target for more Christmas stuff, finishing wrapping, rough drafts for cards, homework... Gah!

15. Are you ticklish? Where?
Definitely, but I hate being tickled. :(

16. Are you typically a jealous person?
Unfortunately, yes.

17. Who's the 1st person on your received calls list?
Mark

18. What's the 5th text in your inbox?
"jessica alba :(" LOL, from Jayne.

19. Do you chew on straws?
Nope

20. What is the next concert you're going to?
Tomorrow! Orch.

21. What's the biggest disappointment to you lately?
Not being able to wake up in time for Jazz

22. What do you think of the person who did this survey?
She's a lot of fun to joke with. :)

23. Is success in your future?
Who knows?

24. Do you have a nickname?
Sure. Laine, Lainey, Elainey, slut, whore.

25. Are you a heavy sleeper?
Sometimes I am, but sometimes I'm not.

26. When was the last time you used a skateboard?
Oh god, I don't even remember.

27. When was the last time you said I love you to a parent?
Sometime in this past year, I said "OMG, I love you," in a random moment to my mom, but it wasn't like...omg confession, it was more like conversational.

28. Was today a good day?
It wasn't bad.

29.what are you listening to?
Golddigger - Kanye West

30. How is school going?
...Let's not talk about that, please. (Terribly. I'm failing everything.)

31. Are you upset about life right now?
Nope

33. Every year, how do you like to spend the holidays:
All I ask for is an abundance of free time.

34. Do you currently have feelings for someone?
Yeah.

35. How many phone conversations do you have a day:
Probably like an average of three or something.

36. Who was the last person you kissed?
Jayne, a while ago.

37. How is your hair?
Dirty.

39. Where do you keep your money?
...Somewhere you can't get it.

40.What was the weather like on your bday?
SUNNYLICIOUS DEFINITION MAKE THE BOYS GO CRAZY

42. What messaging system do you use?
AIM

45. Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex you loved them and mean it?
Yes.

46. Is there anyone that doesn't like you because of something you didn't even do?
Haha, I doubt I'm important enough to be disliked.

47. Do you miss someone?
Not like...OMG badly. But I miss Kristine. And I miss Ridts.

48. When is the last time you laughed?
Maybe three hours ago?

49.what do you hear right now?
Get Low - Lil Jon and the Eastside Boyz

50. How are you feeling?
Well.

51. Have you kissed anyone on your top friends?
Yes.

52. Where did you go today?
School, Korean tofu place, Barnes and Noble, Bath and Body Works

---

1. Name and middle name?
Elaine ___ :(

2. What holiday is your birthday closest to?
Independence Day? Hehe.

3. Favorite flavored Pie?
Pumpkin cheesecake

4. Does it bother you when someone says they will call you and they don't?
Not really, haha. I'm so guilty of it myself it'd be dumb to be mad about that, heh.

5. Are you allergic to anything?
Mold? LOL. Like actually.

6. Is there something special you want for Christmas?
I want to be with him.

7. When was the last time you went swimming?
End of the summer, at Di's.

8. Do you like cheesecake?
Not more than anything else, but yes, it's tasty.

9. How many of the U.S. states have you lived in?
Two: Virginia and Cali.

10. Have you traveled outside the country?
Yessir

12. Does anyone like you? Anyone?
Yes

13. Do you have any strange pets?
Sometimes I like to pretend that my computer is alive... LOL, no, not really.

14. What is your dream car?
Mmmm. Anything sexy. I really love the Lexus SC whatever, though, yum.

15. What did you do today?
School, Christmas gift shopping, wrapped gifts, read a book.

16. Are you bipolar?
Not particularly.

17. What is the main ringtone on your cell?
Some dance thing that I made with the ringtone creator thingy, hahaha.

18. Have you ever kissed anyone who's name starts with a D?
On the cheek? I don't remember, actually. Maybe Di.

19. When is the last time you were hugged?
Today, yay! Jayne and Ebun.

20. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?
Does it count if it's recorded? Mark made me a music composition for a birthday gift once, hahaha. Hmm, I'm not sure where it is; I should ask him for it again if he still has it.

21. How important is romance?
Like...romantic love? Essential. The fluffy lovey dovey stuff? Not so much.

22. Have you ever bungee jumped?
Oh hell no.

23. Have you ever been white water rafting?
Nope

24. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?
YES EEK

25. Are you a cavity free kid?
I hope so.

27. What song are you listening to right now?
What Goes Around / Comes Around - Justin Timberlake

28. What is your favorite song at the moment?
Bright Lights! Matchbox Twenty. <3

29. What was the last movie you watched? and with who?
August Rush with Mark and Jayne.

30. Where was the last house you went besides your house?
Di's

31. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone elses property?
Not seriously

32. Have you ever been punched?
Yes

33. Whats the first thing you notice about your preferred sex?
Preferred? What does that mean? LOL

34. Can you open a beer bottle with a body part other than your hand?
I can't even open like...a water bottle with my hand.

35. What do you usually order from Olive Garden?
Some seafood pasta thingy.

36. Say something totally random about yourself?
I'm licking the lipgloss off of my lips because it tastes so damn good.

37. Do you have an mp3 player?
iTouch (you), baby.

38. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
YES, NANDHU IS WEIRD. KATIE LEUNG? WTF?! Oh, and Diana, too (Lucy Liu, LOL).

39. Do you have freckles?
Yes, boo. But I've come to terms with them. Okay, that's a lie; I've come to terms with having traces of freckles on my face when I cover them up with makeup. But that's improvement nonetheless.

40. Are you comfortable with your height?
I'm okay with it, but I'd be more okay with it if it were like... Wah, just three more inches and I'd be so much hotter.

41. Do you love someone?
Yes. Very much.

42. How tall are you?
5'2.5"ish

43. Do you speak any other language other than English?
Chinese and Spanish-ish

44. How do you like your steak cooked?
NONEXISTENT

45. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
Not really, really close, but close enough.

46. Do you watch MTV?
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo

47. What is something that really annoys you?
Being bitched at for something that is not my fault

48. Have you talked with your parents about the birds and the bees?
HAHAHA EW.

49. What is the best thing in your refrigerator right now?
FRENCH ONION DIP!

50. When is the last time you had professional pictures taken?
Senior pics! Oh shit, I need to call the place, LOL.

51. Do you have a crush on someone?
Yeah, a big one. (Cue a penis joke by Jayne)

52. Does that person like you back?
I don't really know.

53. Do you drive when you go on long trips?
No

54. Whats the latest you have ever stayed out?
Like 2?

55. Have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die?
Hmm, I think so.

56. Were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
Eek, no.

57. Have you broken a bone or had stitches?
No

58. Anyone on your mind right now?
Yes

59. What color is your hair?
Burnt.

60. What did you do last night?
YOUR MOM.

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mood: not bad at all
music: Glamorous - Fergie

The Monday after Thanksgiving was a B day, and Mark, Jayne, and I stayed after school until six, when Mark had Jazz Choir. We convinced Mark to stay after school, and I don't know what we did to occupy our time (lawl), but we managed to stay amused until like four, when Mark decided to go take a nap in the uniform closet, LOL. We joined him soon after and then played with the Internet on his phone and my iTouch. At five, we walked to Wendy's to get dinner, and had a quaint meal. Walked Mark back to school and got picked up. Was a nice day; had some good laughs. Most hilarious moment was probably when Mr. V saw that we were all in the closet (...HAHA, not likely), and it was just like... LOL, awkward.

Then, that Friday, the two of them came over to my house and we ate pizza and munched on snacks while playing SSBM and watching Ratatouille, yay! Such a fantastic movie, though I didn't cry this time, haha. It was a lot of fun, even though Mark couldn't stay too late because he had an audition the next day. It was weird to hang out and be downstairs, though, like, as opposed to in my room. Usually the first thing we do is shut ourselves in my room. So that was interesting. Also, Jess played her various flutes for them, and I was assured that I'm not insane; Jess really is very talented. Yay! I'm proud of her--in that respect, at least, haha. Mark tried to convince her to switch to sax. So not going to happen, LOL. But you have to give the guy credit for effort. If Mark is one thing, he's relentless, hahaha.

Unfortunately, the day took a sad turn when Jayne and I were hanging out afterwards and her mom called to yell at her about college apps and stuff. She was crying and stuff, and I felt really bad for her. I just held her and rubbed her back and gave her a lot of tissues. And then her mom called again, and it was just like, Wow, give her a fucking break, woman. Her mom is...daunting, to say the least. Mother overheard downstairs...and yelled at Jess because Jess was asking for like $80 jeans or some shit, and Mom was just like..."Wow, Jayne is upstairs crying because her mom's upset she spent $300 on college apps, and you're complaining because I won't buy you expensive jeans?" Jess acts like such a spoiled bitch sometimes. But yeah. How awkward. I went downstairs to get the food that Mother made for us, and she asked if Jayne wanted money--she'd help pay for the apps if it was necessary. I was...very touched, because I know that Mother really would've dished out the cash. What a sweet woman.

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mood: awake and accomplished!
music: Ridin' - Chamillionaire

So Thanksgiving weekend was all right. Not the best, but it wasn't bad.

Sat around and played WoW happily while doing Calc notes/Spanish homework as usual until our "feast" at like..eight or something. It was very tasty: turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, salad, corn, pumpkin pie and chocolate pie, Mommy's special and delicious black pepper sauce, and a bunch of other stuff. "Tastey, tastey!" Hehe. The dinner itself was...remarkably quiet. When I was younger, we used to have these big, crazy family dinners with everyone on my mom's side and it'd be like...omg, World Event, you know? Everyone would be there, everyone would be talking, all us kids would be running around and playing games, and everyone would just...be having a great time. And then the Bakery drama started, and now, there are no more big happy family dinners. The family's like...divided into two branches that are now estranged from one another, I never see my cousins anymore because my mom is so estranged from their mom now, nobody gets along... And now even the kids of the aunt who runs the Bakery with my mom are gone... One is living in Taiwan now, and the other is in jail. I don't think about what this family has gone through very much, but when I do, I feel very, very sad. Once, we were all so happy together. Now... Who knows the next time we'll have a family reunion? Probably when someone dies. Maybe someone's wedding. Probably not even then, huh?

So the dinner was only with my family and my aunt and uncle. It felt...wrong, somehow. At least some conversation went on. Although most of it was just about college applications, ew. Father talked to me a lot about UCs and privates and college in general. It was...probably the longest we'd talked in a very long time. I told him about the Statewide Eligibility thing? Guaranteed admission? He was...beyond happy. It was...really strange for me. He kept asking to see the letter, and he kept asking why I hadn't told him before, and he kept asking the details about it, and he just... He told me that he was so, so proud of me. The warmth I felt at that was indescribable. Mother...Mother thinks I'm a saint, so her compliments are like... It's hard to be proud of what she says because she thinks so highly of things that aren't even true, so it's like... I don't know how to explain it, but Father... I'm just... It feels good to know that he is proud of me, and that he isn't sad anymore about me not applying to privates. I felt very thankful for that.

I actually went to Black Friday, believe it or not. With my family. As in, Father and Mother both came, and it was...the four of us, hanging out at the mall. It was...pretty amazing. Got some three new shirts, two new long necklaces (saw Elaine Fang at Wet Seal!), some new cover-up and perfume (because I'm a VIP member of Sephora, I got a free full-size blush thing! OMG, so cool!), yummy chocolates, and...an iTouch! OMG, so happy. So weirded out, but so happy.

So Father and I were sitting outside of Abercrombie waiting for Jess, and I asked him if he thought an iTouch was worth it and if I should maybe ask for it for Christmas. You know what he said? "Let's go get it right now." LOL, WTF? He's so weird. And we actually went to the Apple store and got it, LOL. And he got an iPhone. My dad is insane. (If you can't tell, I'm trying to transition between endearments and the formal titles for my parents... Hard habit to break, though.) I was really, really hesitant about the whole touch screen thing because I've never liked touch screen in the past, but OMFG, this is a real sexy piece of technology. I still can't believe how hot is, and every time I hold it, I just want to like...make love to it. Slow, loving, tender love. So hot. I can't bear to part with it in the morning, but I get so paranoid when I take it to school on B days. I'm kind of embarassed that it's kind of a big deal to people, though; people randomly ask, "OMG, is that an iTouch?!" and I'm really paranoid about being like...show-offy, because that's really not how I feel about it at all, haha. I'm just...wowed by its sexyness. If you can't tell, I really, really appreciate it, haha. And it wasn't like I just randomly wanted it, either; my poor little Generation One iPod mini was like...dying slowly; it kept freezing randomly and would run out of power really quickly and it was just like, grr. But it's like four years old, so I mean, it's due for a termination, haha. But for the time being, I've decided to use it in the bathroom, LOL, for shower music, yay!

Went home around five to change and then went to school for the second CIF game, this time against Valencia. Like nobody was there, since it was Thanksgiving weekend, but I enjoyed myself anyway. For Pit, Jacky, Sean, Joe, Hao, and I came, and we had a lot of fun despite there only being five of us. I talked to Hao a lot, about all kinds of stuff, and it was really enjoyable. He may be kinda conceited, but he's a good guy, and I like him. Unfortunately, I was still sick, so that ruined the fun a little, but not by too much. We had a lot of fun switching between the 20938530 different instruments we had because nobody else was there to take them from us, hahaha. Jacky left to go play on the drums a lot, though, and Alex told me afterwards that apparently Mr. V and Mr. A were mad at us and Drumline for our inappropriate behavior and because we kept switching instruments. I have a feeling they were talking about Jacky, because we always switch the toys anyway, and it's not like any of us specialize at them, so yeah. I dunno, though. Oh well, I had a good time, and Jacky said that my makeup looked really good. Oh, I was sad that Helen couldn't come, though! We would've had even more fun with her. And Joe and I gushed about the iTouch for a bit; it was cool talking to him.

Afterwards, Mark invited me to Denny's, and Adam drove us there, where we met up with Paul and Cory, and then were joined by Erin and Kelli. Had a quaint late-night meal, yay. Oh, Mark ate some packets of jelly obscenely, LOL. Pretty hilarious. We didn't fit in Mr. Michel's car on the way back, so I was going to sit in Mark's lap (I was really surprised he volunteered because he's always been so phobic of things like that in the past), but then Erin climbed into the back and ruined my fun, boo. It was a once in a blue moon thing, too! Hahaha.

Then, on Saturday, I took my family to watch Enchanted, which I figured they'd enjoy. It was a cute movie, and I do love parodies. Definite man-candy, mmm. And the music was...beyond catchy, hahaha. It was stuck in my head for the rest of the week, and I downloaded it onto my iTouch immediately, LOL. Although I dunno, that might've just been an excuse to put a video on it, hee. Chick's definitely a good actor, though; acting fucked up like that has to take some skill, haha! But god, I hated the ending. I totally wanted her to get back with the prince, not that switcheroo nonsense. I feel like the prince totally got jipped. Hot guys shouldn't get ripped off like that! (But their shirts should, rawr. LOL.) But it was a cute movie nonetheless, haha. I'm very picky about endings, anyway, so...

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mood: stinky
music: We Like To Party - Vengaboys

Had our...fourth? WoWover, w00t. Nina picked us up and brought us to the new Ralphs in Woodbury, which is like...scarily organized and clean. It was like...heaven, but...terrifying at the same time, hahaha. Pretty cool, though. Got munchies for intense computer-game playing. At one point, I was texting and walked to the wrong cart, and Diana was like, "Dude, that's not our cart!" and this creepy guy looking at vegetables or something said, "You can drive my cart anytime." OMFG SO CREEPY. I gave Di, Jayne, and Erin horrified looks before running away, hahaha. People can be so weird.

Went to Di's house and ate the potato salad, pasta salad, and chicken that we bought, yum. Had some hilarious conversations, and they made fun of me for being the next Amanda for texting the whole time, haha. Good times. Then, we...played WoW! w00t. Ran Erin through BFD (pretty! Albeit confusing) and then went through Ramps, yay. My necklace dropped, whee! Then I guess we quested and stuff? I really don't remember, hahaha. But we ate a lot and WoWed a lot and had a lot a fun. Yay! Oh, now I remember; I worked on my Major Works Data Sheet for English while everyone else quested, haha. Then I collapsed kinda early for me, boo. But I was exhausted from the game the night before and stuff.

The next morning, we woke up at like nine and played...more WoW, ahaha. Diana slept through the entire thing and was so mad when she woke up three hours later and found out that we'd been playing the whole time. Apparently she thought we were just talking about stupid things and being annoying. Haha, sucker! So then I stopped playing and did homework and prepped for my meeting with my group for an English project, ew. And then I fell asleep when I was supposed to go meet them, LOL. Luckily, they didn't do anything, so I just texted Jennifer and she told me which part they'd assigned to me. Then, I just worked on homework the rest of the night while everyone else played WoW, haha. It was kind of a bummer to go sleepover at someone's house and just do homework the whole time, but it was like... Somehow, having everyone there helped me focus. Like, usually I need to take breaks between crazy studying/homeworking, but I get distracted sometimes. Well, having them there to talk to was like... I didn't get tired of the homework because I got to talk to them and stuff. It was cool.

We got Daphne's at like eight and then Nina dropped us off at home. Mmm, Daphne's.

Unfortunately, I was sick the entire weekend; I suspect having to run through the sprinklers after the game the night before. The symptoms were wimpy little coughs, and everyone made fun of me for them the whole time, hahaha. They evolved into gross phlegm-y painful coughs, though, plus a stuffed nose/runny nose. That bout of sickness lasted...like two or three weeks. Thank god it's over! But yeah, it really sucked. I was really miserable. I hate being sick. Luckily, I'm only ever sick like once a year (and it's always around a holiday! So mean. This time it was Thanksgiving), but it's always really bad and lasts like...three weeks, yuck. I had to miss Jazz once, too, boo.

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Wishlists get harder and harder to make every year! This year, I actually didn't buy some stuff so that I would actually have a wishlist for the end of the year, haha! How smart am I?

Immaterial Things

1. to get into a first-tier UC
   
2. for the rest of my Senior year to not be so stressful
   
3. to pass my driver's license test
   
4. a nice job
   
5. to never lose contact with my friends
   
6. for this romantic endeavor to be...reciprocated and successful
   
7. lots of free time to blog and webdesign and write
   
8. to spend even more time with everyone
   
9. a happy year for everyone

Material Things

1. new iPod
   
2. new cell phone + unlimited texting
   
3. Transformers DVD
   
4. Transformers score
   
5. Transformers poster (reprint preferred b/c cheaper + smaller than originals)
   
6. Bridge to Terabithia DVD
   
7. Disneyland Annual Pass
   
8. whistle w/ black lanyard
   
9. Exile on Mainstream by Matchbox Twenty
   
10. random duck stuff for my collection
    
11. Earrings
    
12. Scarves
    
13. Long silver necklaces
    
14. A giftcard for any of the following: Sephora, M.A.C., iTunes, Wet Seal, Tilly's, South Coast Plaza, Spectrum, Jamba Juice, etc.

What do I want most of all? I want cards. I want cards from everyone, with nice messages that I'll keep forever and take out to read in college and later, if I lose touch with everyone somehow, be able to remember, remember my most favorite people in the world--and know that they loved me.

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mood: tired but happy
music: This is The Night - Clay Aiken

College essays gave me a strange boost of self-esteem. Everyone was asking me to edit theirs for them, and the way they said it was just so... I dunno, something about their tone just made it seem like they really cared what I did to their essays, what I thought of them. I keep remembering that, remembering feel so...in my element, feeling so respected, feeling like my opinions really, really mattered to someone--it was a good feeling. I was especially encouraged when Mark rambled on to Jayne about how elegant and beautiful my writing was--his opinions on my writing (esp. his love of it in Sophomore year and his continual faith in it Junior year) have really helped me to choose whether to pursue the multimedia or English path. Honestly, I still don't know. Honestly, I know that I would make a lot more money working in Advertising or something, but... I don't know. I don't really remember when I made the decision. I keep telling myself that it's not such a big deal yet, that I can always change if I don't like it, but Jayne reminded me that that's not exactly cheap, and, well. I still don't know. I applied for English as my major for the UCs, though. I guess we'll see.

Anyway, so that Friday was the CIF football game, a.k.a. my Senior game. Except that it was a really like...not very senior-game-ish. But it was still like...the best game of the season--or one of them, anyway. Sadly, Jacky couldn't go because she had a Yearbook deadline, poo. So she made me section leader for the night, and boy, did I have a great time with it. It's not even like I did anything really different from what I'd been doing the whole season--basically serving as the assistant section leader--but there was just like...I don't know how to explain it, but I felt so powerful, and there was all this respect directed my way--the respect-for-authority type of respect, and it was...wow. I really regret not joining before.

But anyway, we loaded up all the stuff in the truck and then got on the buses. Pit finally got to stick together and actually have seats, which was cool. Although there was some drama when Drumline wouldn't frickin' double up in their seats, even though their bus was the only one with empty seats. That was really stupid, but the bus driver and some chaperons managed to convince them to move. Sat with Jayne (Erin was sitting in the front again) and the Pit kids. And there was OMG drama. Drumline was yelling fag fag fag all over the place, and Jayne yelled that she was going to kick the ass of the next person who said that or something. The entire bus went silent, and then Mrs. Mastrionni threw a fit and gave a lecture about appropriate language (to both Jayne and Drumline) and punishment and some shit about how nobody on the bus was going to say a word and she'd get them if they did blah blah blah. And then Drumline was all rebellious and just sang at the top of their lungs the entire trip. Typical. She got so pissed that she went to go sit back there with them, but it's not like they paid her any heed. It was...interesting, haha.

When we got there, I had way too much fun directing unloading the Pit equipment and stuff, heh. Mrs. Nelson and Beth managed to pin a cape and a flower thingy on me; they're miracle workers who had to use this enormous pin because I had a Pit uniform, hahaha. I felt so awesome and special with the decorations! And the title! w00t.

Wheeled our shit over near the stands and then found seats in the stands (we were spread across like three rows, haha). On the bus ride over, I'd realized that I'd forgotten to get the "toys", LOLOL. As in, what we played during the stand tunes--tambourines, shakers, cowbells, and the like. As in, OMG, worst section leader ever, LOL. I felt so bad, but I made them stand up and clap and dance anyway, and it totally was fine. Lots of fun, too! Although my palms were stinging by the end of the night, haha. Had a lot of fun in the stands, yay!

When it was time to start setting up, led the group down to our instruments and put up everything and distributed mallets and all that jazz. Was kind of annoyed by Mr. V's indecision because I kept asking him questions about where to go and what to do about the...drop thing between the curb of the track and the curb of the field, and he just dismissing it, like, "Oh, we'll worry about that when the time comes," and I was kinda like, "Okaay, well I kinda want to know now so that I can tell everyone where to go and what to do..." but in my head. Mr. A told us where to go and wait before the field show, but when we went there, he came over and was all mad at us, except he was speaking to Olivia and Laura, the two fobbiest fobs of Pit. And they didn't really nod or say yes or anything, so he was just like, "Oh, you don't speak English; never mind," really bitchily and it was just like... Wow, what a fucking asshole. I felt bad for them so I went over to them and said, "Sorry about that; he can be such an ass sometimes," but honestly, I don't know if they understood me, LOL.

The show was...chaotic. We played after Astancia's halftime show, since their band was so tiny it hardly made a difference. Miraculously got everything on the field, despite that weird ditch between the two curbs. Had to problem solve with the big timpani cart, haha; realized that we should just lift the stuff off, haha. Mr. A read the seniors' names at a lightning fast speed, and I was sad because the Pit kids had arranged to do a complex thing for me, and there wasn't enough time for it, boo. But they all cheered really loudly for me, and I was really, really touched. I love those kids a billion times over, and I miss them so much! Disoriented by the senior "ceremony", we could not play our show, and John couldn't conduct it, either. It was really, really sad; worst show ever. Mr. A yelling at John didn't help, either. During Spain, he totally fucked everything over by trying to tell John that he had to be prepared to blow the whistle and get everyone off the field, since we were on such a tight schedule. Totally mystified by Mr. A's yelling and gestured, John did a variety of things: stopped conducting, blew the whistle in the middle of the song, conducted totally fucked up-ly, blew the whistle again... LOL, it was funny but sad at the same time. And then the song ended, and the band got off the field, and Pit went like...into crazy supermode to get everything off the field in thirty seconds. Whew, how exhausting!

Third quarter, we were allowed to get food, so Jayne hired me to go get Kayla and her some hot dogs (there was some rumor about 10 for $1, except the sale was over by the time we got there), and I decided to take Sean and Caleb with me, too. Ended up borrowing five bucks from Beth and buying them two to share between the three of us. They kept trying to give me extra because I'm a senior; it was so sweet and cute. I told them to eat it because I knew they were hungry, but they refused to. We went back to the stands, where the hot dogs were passed around to like everyone, LOL. So gross, and the hot dogs were really ghetto, too, but we were freaking starving. Everyone saved the last bite for me, and kept saying that I had to have it because I'm a senior, and I was just like... Wow, hahaha. So sweet! I love my section.

Unfortunately, the referee came over and told us to stop playing. Grrrr! So Mr. V let us do all the dances (OMG, we even did "Jump On It"!, which was banned this year), since they're just with drums, which I guess he figured wouldn't be as distracting. OMG, so fun! I was so happy to finally be able to do all the dances, yayayay! After the game ended, we sang "Hey Baby", too, whee!

Yuckily, the sprinklers went off as we were unloading back at school, and I had to run through them with the instruments, ugh. But other than that, that night was really, really fun!




My cape was awesome.


I love them so much!


My favorite boys. :)

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You know what I was saying about how Mark used to be so indignant on my behalf and stuff regarding how my friends treated me?

I think I need a friend like that right now. It's like... I have someone to go to about everyone; I know there's someone who will sympathize with me for every person who upsets me. But the problem is, they themselves are so quick to turn around and criticize me in return, and it's just... It feels like a tradeoff or something, and I dunno. It's a stupid thought. I don't need anyone else; my friends are more than enough; they're better than better. But... Eh, I don't know what I'm saying. I'm still kind of upset, so I'm just...saying dumb things I don't mean or something, I don't know. I was just thinking because I'm talking to some online people and it's really liberating, and it reminds me of how easily I opened up to Melissa last year, and when I asked Mark if it was weird that I think I like talking to strangers, Mark said "You used to like to talk to me" (like when we weren't friends yet), and I thought back on that feeling, how great that felt--that kind of unconditional support, that kind of...belief and just...judging things through me, you know? I don't know how to explain it. But, well. Unconditional support is really hard to come by, I guess. But even that's not that true, and I don't know! I don't know what I'm talking about; nothing's coming out right; I'm not very coherent today.

I'm going to go take a shower and make myself some chocolate chip waffles. I don't get the Chem homework. (Calling Physics Chem makes me feel less stupid. I got an A in Chem. I have a D- in Physics.)

P.S. I think Jess just made my day. She said, "Good night! Good luck," to me. Good luck? Good luck? Good luck?! I'm glad someone acknowledges how hard I work and how it's not my fault I can't wake up at the right times.

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A stray thought: Sometimes, I think we're not good enough for each other, and that's why we are not inevitable.

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mood: like a failure, a little
music: Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes

a seven nation army couldn't hold me down

Jayne wants me to be the Elaine she fell in love with (insecure, quiet, wishy-washy); Mark wants me to be some flawless Elaine that he doesn't have to condescend (gutsy, social, opinionated); Diana wants me to be a bitch with no qualms and attachments (shallow, cruel, independent); Father wants me to be a smart engineer who goes to Stanford (mathy, smart, achieving)

Things like this don't bother me as much as they did two years ago, but...

I don't know. I try. I do my best to put myself first, but I still try so hard to satisfy everyone. But isn't that worse?

I don't know. The past week has been... I don't know. Sometimes people say things, criticize you, and in the heat of the moment, you just listen to them and then shrug and put it aside, because, hey, let them say what they want to about you; you're not going to let it affect you, you're not going to be hurt by their words or change yourself because you know better, because you don't believe what they say, what they imply.

It's later that the criticism sinks in and cuts you deeply.

They said I don't deserve the title of Good Friend. They said I'm a hypocritical puppy. They said that I'm a ridiculous pansy.

(I'm shivering.) I'm honestly really glad that my friends feel comfortable enough with me to tell me my flaws when they see them, but sometimes... Sometimes what they say just makes me feel lonelier than ever.

The other day, I was telling Mark about remembering a time when he used to be really indignant about the way my friends treated me and was like...the sweetest person I knew. He said he remembered, too, but was like, Okay, how do her good friends treat her? and took their example. It's sad, but I guess it worked.

Yesterday, in a bout of deep, personal conversation, Diana asked me what kind of person I could actually see myself spending the rest of my life with. You answer all those girly surveys about your dream lover and all that stuff, but you don't really ever think of what would actually work--not what you want, but what would truly last? I thought about it and said that a vague answer would probably be someone who really accepted me and treated me like an equal. She commented that a lot of people do that, but I'm not going to be spending a lifetime with them anytime soon. I was surprised she said that. I replied that I'm very easy to condescend, yet very easy to put on a pedestal. And how true that is.

She told me that she hopes that I find someone like that, and then told me that she was really glad that we're friends. Jayne's been saying that a lot, too, and today, Mark was talking to Hotaru and Vincent, and then Jayne and I came back from the restroom and walked past them, and Mark...said bye to them and joined us. It warmed my heart like crazy. And Mag and I have been talking a lot randomly, and Amanda's been coming to me with her problems and stuff, and it's... It's great. Sometimes they hurt me deeply, but other times, they make me feel on top of the world. Well. That's the risk you take when you accept friendship, yeah? They hurt you and rip you apart and you just... You just have to faith that something keeps them friends with you, yeah? That there's something in you that they find special, that they love you with all their heart, that you are more than just a random stranger to them. And maybe friendship isn't about acceptance or forgiveness or understanding or comfort--it's just about faith.

I know it's silly, and it's not like anyone ever writes three-page essays like I do, but I'm really looking forward to Christmas cards.

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Haha, did I say six months?

Maybe three.

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She called me a puppy yesterday.

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mood: slightly exasperated but relatively pleasant
music: Wonderwall - Oasis

So lately, Jayne and I have been spending most of our open 4B periods with Mark, and it's been...indescribably great. I don't think anyone understands how desperate I've been to hang out with him since we became friends. For the past three years, I've felt insecure, upset, indignant, and occasionally even mad about our lack of face-to-face contact. It wouldn't have been such a big deal if he'd just not been the type to want to hang out, or something like that, but it always hurt a little, seeing him ask people to hang out or listening to him talking about how much fun he had with someone, because it was like... We were like...best friends, right? But why did he never want to do anything? And I made the effort, too, all those years, until this summer, when I...I must've blogged or something, because he told me out of nowhere that the reason he didn't hang out with me was that one, neither of us had cars, and two, he had become accustomed to hanging out with big groups and I wouldn't fit in with his new group and he'd feel awkward with my group. Okay. Obviously I had my grievances, but I kept my mouth shut and accepted his reasons. Because at least they were reasons, at least it wasn't just... It wasn't just what I'd feared for three years, that I just wasn't interesting enough and that I only came in handy when he wanted to talk about problems or something.

But anyway, the point is... It's because of all that confusion and insecurity and sadness that I appreciate what we have now more than ever. Because I know what it's like to not see one of my closest friends for like a week straight when we go to the same school, I treasure what time we spend together now more than ever. I have a feeling we wouldn't hang out if Jayne and him hadn't patched things up, and if his graduated friends were still here, but... But I am so, so grateful nonetheless. It's really like...the thing that's made up for how shitty this Senior year has been in some respects. And when I'm complaining about how stupid and horrid this year is, it's always this--that I finally feel like I am really a best friend of Mark's--that prevents me from declaring this "the worst year ever".

And it's not even like we're having an adventure everyday, either. Sometimes, we just chill in the music room playing/practicing random instruments, or we just watch Mark sightread random music or practice random piano things, or we just lounge around the music room, but whatever we do... It's always enjoyable and just...fills me up with an indescribable warmth. A few weeks back, Mark thanked even thanked us for helping him by just spending time with him while he relieves stress by playing piano and stuff, and it was just... It made me really happy to know that I wasn't the only one really pleased about us hanging out.

Anyway, this one random day, Mark asked if Jayne and I wanted to accompany him to Souplantation for a choir fundraiser, and we were like, Sure! So we went, and it was a lot of fun. On my Facebook quiz, one of my questions was what I liked doing best when hanging out, and the answer was "Eat", although I don't think anyone got that one, haha. Restaurants are seriously a great place to chill. Shame they're so expensive. But anyway, we had a lot of fun talking about random things, and there was a lot of laughing, and I felt on top of the world. Oh, and a fly flew into my soup and Mark's mom screamed, hahaha. Also, I flirted with some random guy at the frozen yogurt machine. Eek! I didn't even see his face! What a whore, Elaine, what a whore.

That was a Wednesday. The next day, Kelly, Mag, Di, Jayne, and I went to see the play, although Kelly and Mag had tickets for a different area because they bought theirs earlier. It was a production of The Curious Savage, which I found interesting but not like...gushing-worthy. But I dunno, everyone else was really, really lauding it, so I feel a little harsh, but I dunno, it just didn't capture me as a lot of the past plays really have. It just didn't have a certain pizazz for me; it was enjoyable but didn't stand out? Oh, now I'm just making up euphemisms or something. But anyway, Di and I had fun giggling over Jayne being totally ga-ga over Jenny during the first half of the play.

During Intermission, we found Mag and Kelly and talked to them, and then we found Mark, who invited us to sit next to him. Poor Di didn't fit in the row and had to sit in front of me, boo. (Either Jayne, Mark, and I were all hallucinating or Patrick enjoyed that a little too much...) It was amusing sitting between Mark and Jayne as they were starry-eyed over Jenny. I have to say, although I wasn't fainting in adoration, she fit into and played (man, I don't even know how much of that was acting; she's pretty spacey without stage directions, hahaha) her part very, very well. I couldn't resist bursting out laughing when everyone "oooh"-ed and "aah"-ed over her makeover with the baggy silver dress at the end, though, hahaha. It was like that time in Spanish class, oh, hey, that was Jenny too--the class was writing some kind of story together on the overhead, and it was about two lovers in the desert watching the stars or something, and Jenny suggested, "And then he named one after her," and all the girls in the class went, "Aaaaawwwww," and I snorted and burst out laughing, which caused everyone else to burst out laughing, too. It was a great moment.

Anyway, after the play, we chatted with Jenny and Sarah, and then Nina took Di, Jayne, Mark, and me to the plaza on Jeffrey (the name escapes me) and Di got yogurt and Mark got boba. Coolios.

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mood: stressed and distressed
music: If I Fall - Matchbox Twenty

and if i fall
don't let me go
you've got to be my strength
and guide me

Yesterday was unpleasant. I felt very...

Very, very, very alone, and it's been a long time. It's been a long time since I wanted to talk to someone but found a dead end. It's been a long time since I had to think of blogging as my outlet--my only outlet. I don't know. Everything was going so well, too... I was feeling...a lot less like a failure, even though I've gotten a 69% on a Calc test and a 48% on a Physics one. After the closeness we had at Mag's party and the fun we've been having at lunch, after spending all this nice time with Mark and being warmed by all the nice things he's said, after the not-so-familiar feeling of...of some kind of family connection with Father Dad being a health nut and coming home early and Mom coming home early to cook for him and... I dunno. Grades didn't matter so much for a bit, yeah?

I don't know why everyone keeps assuming things about me and what I do. It's rather upsetting, and I feel so indignant, but I have a feeling people aren't really...like they're kinda like, "Well, you're just saying that," or "Well, you don't know how you feel," or "That's not true," or I dunno.

In Physics, when I tried talking to her about why I was so sad and distressed, Jayne just said, "I know I've been giving you a hard time," and left it at that. I cried right then and there, and I didn't even have my bangs to cover my face. I'm glad Mr. Sacks didn't make a stupid comment. And, yeah. She's been giving me a hard time. At first I didn't let it get to me that much because I figured she was just using me as an outlet for her anger about everything else, but... She's repeated some things, and well. They're the kind of things that make me wonder why she's still friends me if she feels that way about me. I dunno. I thought--well, I still think--it was so stupid that she was mad at me for not waking up when she called to wake me up, and how she bitched about me making her call her a billion times and how it was because of having to wake me up that she couldn't get enough sleep or some shit like that. Then Mark called me like twelve times to wake me up and I didn't even hear it, and then he got annoyed and blah blah. And then they both got on my ass for bitching/whining about not getting enough sleep and not having enough time because apparently it's because I take naps that I don't have enough time, but then it's because I take naps that I don't get enough sleep or something? What?! I don't know, but I was really hurt by that.

All these years, all anyone's ever wanted me to do is open up and talk to them instead of blogging/keeping stuff inside of me. Especially Mark and Jayne. That's why I was like...wow...when they said that thing about me having no right to bitch. The reason I didn't tell people things that bothered me and my feelings and stuff was because I thought it would bother them and they would think that I was stupid for complaining. So for fifteen years, I didn't do it. And then wow, I become so open, and this is what I get? Yeah, well, fine, I'll just go back to not saying a word about it. Today at lunch I wanted to talk about how exhausted I was but how proud of I was for staying awake in class and stuff, but I didn't; I just smiled and laughed and didn't bring it up. It's not so much being fake as just not complaining. I don't know. Them saying that really kind of...fucked me up. No, that's not what I mean. It just...confused me, I guess. What do they want me to be?!

Speaking of that... Jayne won't shut up about me changing. Anytime she gets upset at me, she brings up how different I am and how "recently" I'm all...whatever adjective/phrase she's in the mood to describe me with. And oh, everyone knows my weakness is pleasing my friends, so it's like... Okay, what the fuck do you want me to do? I don't want you to hate me, but it's not like I can stop changing--okay, I can, but I am not going through a backward process of what I've already been through too many times. I'm not going to stop changing to please someone. I dunno; it's like... Wow, if you hate "who I've become" so much, then get yourself a new friend. If you're looking for some Elaine of the past, then stop looking for her in me; go find her somewhere else. Or, I don't know, just stop freaking complaining that I'm so "different"--or at least freaking stop complaining about it to me. What the fuck do you want me to do about it?! ARGH. I dunno, Jayne is so angry and suicidal lately; it's just really hard to deal with, because she says such hateful things, and it's hard to figure out what she really means and what she's just saying to be spiteful.

I told Mag about how Jayne and Mark were mad at me, hoping that she'd sympathize, but...she just lectured me about going out too much. Sigh. Unfortunately, that's probably the most logical thing I've heard in a while, but. I know I'm not at home as much as I should be; I know I shouldn't stay after school when I can go home and get homework done. But I also know that if I go home, that's all I'm going to do. And it really is all I do all day now. I am so fucking tired of it; do you know how fucking behind I am on my blog? Do you know how long it's been since I've written fanfiction? (Other than a few sentences of my own fiction written before bed or in class?) Do you know how long it's been since I've just sat in front of my computer, cleaning out my files or Favorites or something? Shopped online? Read pointless reviews on random things I'll never buy? Really cleaned my room? Photoshopped?! It's been fucking forever. It's been at least three months, because since fucking school started, my spare time has been like fucking nonexistent. AND I HATE IT. I thrive on contact with my friends and spare time. I'm getting the contact--I'm not getting the time. And I feel it. I feel it in my bones, I sense it in my smiles that are a sad echo of the brilliance they were last year, I see it in the mysterious bags that have appeared under my eyes (I've never had them before; I don't even know how to cover them up with makeup!)

I don't even talk to anyone on the phone anymore. Di and I and Jayne and I and Di and Jayne and I used to talk for hours every day... We've barely talked on the phone this school year, and it's all my fault. I miss it. I fucking hate school; I fucking hate myself for choosing these classes; I fucking hate myself for taking Mark's advice instead of Diana's; I fucking hate myself for not knowing myself well enough--but I knew, didn't I? Second day of class, and I knew. I knew I was going to bitter and pissy this entire school year because of Calc and Physics. I felt it, just sitting there those first two days. Why am I so stupid? I thought I could do it--no, I didn't think I could do it, but I really hoped that I could. And now, I have a D in Physics and a C+ in Calc, and it's just like... Wow. It could be worse, but... It's already more than halfway into the semester, and I'm doing...terribly, really. At least I have an 88% in Spanish and 89% in English now, but even those grades are abysmal compared to what I usually get in language classes... I don't even want to talk about Government; I really have no motivation to do well in that class, and I don't know why.

And then I've already missed Jazz twice, and it's been, what, three weeks? Wow, Elaine. Mr. V put so much fucking faith in you--even though you obviously couldn't play for shit--and was so enthusiastic about your "attitude", and you just...let him down by not waking up. That's what happened yesterday. I didn't wake up until 715, and it was just like... God, I disgust myself sometimes. And then I didn't realize until Physics that I had a solo that morning... The previous morning, Mr. V'd asked everyone (including rhythm section) to solo, but I hadn't been able to do it; I'd totally wimped out. That afternoon, I stayed after and practiced vibes, practiced improv. And he stood there for half the time (I didn't notice) and was really encouraging and showed me some other stuff to do and it was just like... Wow, he really loves me, and I felt so good. And I was even a little excited to solo the next morning. But no, I fucking overslept! AARRRGH!

And regarding Mr. V... I dunno, we were talking, and Mark was talking about the people most likely to get an award at the end of the year, and it was sad because you could just...feel Jayne and me sulking in the atmosphere, and I dunno. He said I might get an award from V, but I think it was really just to placate me, but it made me realize that... I dunno, I've been working so hard, really, really hoping to win something at the end of the year, but... The names Mark was spurting off made me realize that, wow, I'm not really all that special. I mean, I worked so hard for Marching Band (I deserved the title of ASL and everyone knows it, and I don't care how conceited that sounds because it's true), and I try so hard to participate in Orch and I dunno. I really wish I had more time to practice violin, because I really... I really wanted this year to be the year that I... I dunno, surprised myself with my skill, but I... Sigh. But my point is, I realized that...that award is not guaranteed for me. And all this time, I really was so confident that it was, and I was working so hard to maintain that status, and it just... It's not like I'm going to stop working hard because I won't get an award. It's not like I was only doing stuff for the award. But I've been looking forward to that all year, and well. It's just... I don't know how to explain it, but I'm...really sad about that epiphany.

To make things worse, Diana--for once--isn't reading my thoughts. On Tuesday, Erin and Amanda ditched English to go watch Beowulf with Beth and Di--so random, but so cool. They invited Jayne and me, of course, and I was distressed because we had plans to go to Mark's to help him with his present for Denice. As in, Mark invited us over! To his house! Crazy stuff. But happyful. Anyway, he wouldn't be able to leave school until 4 because of the meeting for the spring musical. Or at least, that's what he told us. So we calculated (the movie was 1:54 hrs and started at 2) and were unsure; and then Mark said he didn't want to be alone at school waiting for us, so I debated whether or not we'd make it throughout the entire Orch period that followed lunch. On one hand, I felt bad about him not wanting to be alone at school, and plus, we'd made plans with him first; on the other hand, Erin and Amanda ditching and them going to a movie on a weekday was like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I didn't want to miss it.

But really, my inner turmoil ran deeper than that. I knew that if I calculated how close the movie would run to the time Mark was dismissed and then still went despite that, Mark would remember and say something about how like... I don't know, but I said once that I had to rush to break because I had to be there to spend time with my friends or something like that, and that was like, what, two years ago? And he won't stop bringing it up still. So I knew he'd say something to that effect; something that would be totally untrue but that would make me feel guilty for the rest of forever. But just as bad was the thought of... I knew Erin, Amanda, and Diana would think of me staying at school instead of going with them as a sort of...abandoning them. They--we, I suppose, since I've been guilty of that too on several occasions--are touchy about that kind of thing. As in, I'd rather stay with Mark than hang out with them. And that wasn't the case at all.

Oh, it sounds so paranoid and giving my friends too little credit, but lo and behold, the next morning Diana made a jab at me for ditching them to be with Mark. Oh, I was so fucking mad. And of course, she wouldn't listen to my explanation of why I stayed. Of course, everyone just dismisses Elaine's reasons as illogical and stupid and just excuses. Ugh. And then, you know what? Mark's meeting was until 430 (though he got out at 420), as in... We could've made it safely. I told him and then he got really defensive, so I felt bad and backed down, and then Jayne sniped about how I'd been so mad one moment and then so eager to placate him the next and it was just like, wow, that's what being a good friend is, jeez. And then to top it off, Diana told us the next day that the movie had ended well before 4, as in, we could've made it even if it'd been at 4. WOW I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO TO BLAME FOR THAT, BUT I SURE AM MAD!

The one thing that made me feel better was that they hopped to Enchanted after Beowulf, so at least like... Us not being there allowed them to see another movie, which makes me feel good.

Haha. This is such a frustrated entry. I have a lot of frustration inside me recently, begging to be expelled. Will somebody listen? But no, yesterday, Jayne asked if I wanted to talk about it, and I talked to her--crying the entire time--and well. It helped, for a bit. But really, some of this stuff is kinda deep-seated, and I dunno how to truly expel it. For now, I guess I'll just distract myself.

Starting with studying Gov! At...3 in the morning! Whoo, Elaine, that'll really get you an A.

Oh, and then there's Mother and the Physics tutor. I think I'll talk about that later. I'm wiped out. This entry was exhausting, but at least it was a little relieving. Not tons, but... I feel better, a little.

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My Last.Fm account makes me happy (I find it hilarious that my sleeping music is my second most listened to artist). This was in my shoutbox:

whauw, varied taste of music girl :) But someone who likes Death Cab For Cutie can't have a bad taste :D Cheers!

Haha! That's right. Once, we had to vote for what kind of music we liked for some yearbook survey, and I raised my hand for pretty much every genre, LOL. It felt good.

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mood: spacey
music: My Love - Justin Timberlake

i've been around the world
but i ain't never seen myself a girl like you

This afternoon, I woke up from a spontaneous nap feeling on top of the world. I dreamed of stubble and yellow lighting and inevitability and satisfaction and a lovely kiss that I initiated.

I'm at the climax of my feelings--

I have so much hope it almost hurts.

Yesterday, we talked about our feelings about love, sex, and death, and all I could think, was

All I could think was

Nothing but.

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mood: surprised because just found out we have Gov HW, ew
music: Greensleeves - Greg Yasinitsky

So, Capo Valley Tourney. Last tournament of the season! I was sad.

Had a sectional at 1030, but Jacky asked us to go at 9 to practice visuals--how and when we put up mallets, plus this new fancy thing to do before the time change. Brought leftover Halloween candy for the kids, and they totally engulfed it. Helen went psycho and started putting eyeliner on everyone, LOL. That girl is hilarious. And I always feel so bad for Sean; everyone's always calling him gay and shit, and it's like... Ugh. After he got made fun of so much for having eyeliner on, I told him I'd help him take it off, and then somebody was still making fun of him, so I told him, "It's okay; I think you're really awesome; you know how to have fun better than them". I've really forged a bond with all of Pit this year, but Sean and I definitely have something special. I really like him; he's so funny, and we have a lot of fun together. And he isn't so like...Caleb, who is just your average Asian boy pretty much--spurting "gay" all over the place"--although he has a really cute laugh; or like Hao, who acts too cool for everything and is kinda conceited (although once you get to know him, it's less conceit than just...pride; I dunno how to explain); or like Joe, who is just so into himself and too cool for everything and everybody it's not even funny--even though he's cool to talk to once you get past that. Jayne said that I flirted with him a lot, though, and I felt bad because it's so totally unintentional; that's not exactly the image I wanted him to have of senior girls, haha.

Anyway, we just basically chilled on the balcony outside the band room for a while; it was nice and relaxing, and we had fun. The sectional was okay, too, and we rehearsed with Drumline for a little bit. Got let out half an hour before call time again, but this time, Jacky told us to take all the stuff out to the truck first, so that we could have a little more time to run to Wendy's and grab some food. Plan didn't work out; we ended up just taking the whole half hour lugging stuff out to the truck, and then we helped load, and then by that time it was already way too late to go grab something to eat. So we left school on empty stomachs, boo. And we were like...absolutely starving for the rest of the night and throughout the entire warmup/performance. Blah, bad thing to feel when you're trying to play well.

Sat with Mark on the bus, with Jayne and Erin in front of us, although maybe Erin and I should've sat together because Jayne and Mark just talked to the guys around us. But it's okay. Seriously, though, Jayne is such a slut. She was offering up blowjobs to everyone and we (they?--I was kind of involved in that) were discussing her cheapass prices. Pfft, L2Charge. Oh, she turned around randomly was like, "Whoa, why are you so pretty today?" and Helen, who was sitting across the aisle from Mark and me with Sean, like shrieked and was like, "OMG, that's what I was thinking! And Sean thinks so too," and it was a really cute moment that made me feel really happy and proud about/of myself; Helen told me once before that she thought I was really pretty, and that Sean had told her so, too. Anyway, then Jayne felt up my leg inappropriately as usual, and after a while, Helen asked if she was a lesbian, except she asked it without the "a" (it reminded me of Mag, somehow, haha), and all the guys laughed at her. I felt really bad for her. But OMG, awkward moment when she asked, "So you like Elaine?" (She says my name really weirdly, but it's really cute) and there was just this really awkward silence. Mark cut in and said, "She used to," and I looked at him funny. Was he just placating her or did he actually think...huh?! How mysterious.

Anyway, got off the bus and went to warm up for like...hours while the band just chilled under the shade. Performed at like 430. The stadium was tiny, wowww. Their visitor stands were minuscule! 'Twas interesting. As we were going onto the field, somebody was moving the worn black xylophone onto the grass and tipped the whole thing over. It was funny 'cause Skye'd just told me about doing that like three times in the past, like a few days previous, haha. And, well. The fucking pipes fell during the performance, and the keys were all unaligned. It was... Yeah, I don't even know, haha. After the performance, we had to pull the big cart up this steep hill, and it was...exhausting. But we felt very triumphant when we succeeded, hahaha.

After we changed and loaded, got some dinner--a hot dog and a big potato--which felt very, very good, haha. Then headed to the stands to watch the awards. The stands were...pretty pathetic. Everyone was acting crazily and there was shit everywhere, and people were throwing shit all over the place, and it was just...a madhouse, really. Jayne yelled at the people who were doing it, but they didn't stop, and the band director from two schools down actually came over and told us that they're weren't going to stop because they'd been doing it and acting inappropriately since they arrived. And he said that we were really sad and that he was making an example of us to his students. Dude! So fucking ridiculous; I can't believe we were that bad. So Jayne yelled at everyone and told them what the guy'd said, and they were...slightly better, but still pretty wild. Jayne, Erin, some other people, and I picked up the trash that everyone'd thrown.

After the awards ceremony (I don't think we won anything; well, second place out of two, haha), headed back to Irvine. Mark and I rested on each other again , but Drumline was too loud for me to actually fall asleep.






I love this because it's cool seeing everyone's attention on me, haha. I feel special!


Trademark Elaine storytelling hand motions. Ooh, kinky.




Me and Sean with his eyeliner, hehe.


I look like a hobo in Jayne's jacket. A well-dressed one.


Mark is so funny, hahaha.

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mood: cold! Is it possible to be in a cold mood?
music: Tiny Vessels - Death Cab for Cutie

Mark's choir concert was a few weeks back, and I really enjoyed it. Went with Jayne and was joined by Chris at the Northwood theater, which was interesting, haha. "Cloudburst" was pretty freaking awesome, as well as the other songs. Mark had a solo, too! Coolios. After the concert, talked to Jacky (who was there to be percussion for "Cloudburst") and realized how we're like...really cool with one another. Then, since Mark was swamped over by admirers (not even kidding), Jayne and I talked to his mom for a while, which was nice. It was probably the first time I've really talked to her, and I felt bad because it was Jayne propelling pretty much every element of the conversation. I am so damned shy sometimes, grr. But yeah, it was nice. We talked about colleges and stuff, and she told us that she wished Mark could go to UCI so that he wouldn't have to leave, because she really doesn't want him to leave because she loves him so much. It was the sweetest thing. She gave us a ride home, which was cool.

The next day, Ryan drove Mark, Jayne, and me to Heritage at lunch so that we could buy Mr. V's birthday present. Mark gave Jayne and I the responsibility of filling the gift basket up with candy from Ralphs during our open fourth, so we got Mrs. V's number from Erin and called her to ask him what he liked, haha. Managed to buy a bunch of stuff without spending all the money Mark allocated, which was cool. But then, Mark put me in charge of putting it all together. Actually turned out pretty awesomely (I didn't know we had such awesome gift wrappping supplies, hahaha), and Mother helped me do a basket wrap. Mark invited us to a concert, too, because he was going to see Northwood's choir concert to see his friend, but he was going alone. How nice! Irvine's was more impressive, haha, although I loved the top choir's blue dresses! So pretty. But kinda weird. But still pretty. After the concert, Jayne and I checked out NHS's musical bulletin board while Mark socialized with Northwood kids, and then Mother gave us a ride home.


Chris and I look bizarrely cute together.


Jacky is so pretty!

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