mood: reflective
music: Can't Make You Love Me - Britney Spears

Bio was a little startling today. Mr. Jacobs let us get into groups to work on this packet about labs (prep for the AP test), and the groups were...interesting. First of all, Lala came over to join me and Kelly. That was random. I suppose they talk during Pre-Med or something. Second of all, noticed that Jenny was with Henry and Tarun and Furai and them, instead of with Mark and Hotaru. High school politics are fascinating. But.

It makes me sad, to see that group dissolve. Noticing how Jenny's started to move way out of it makes me wonder about how fickle friendship can sometimes be. It also is kind of jarring to me, because... Well, I don't know. I tend to take for granted that my friends and I are like...glued together, to this circle, this clique. But, you know, I say that, but... Kristine, left, didn't she? There was a lot of sadness and then a lot of resentment and then just...resignation and forced apathy, I suppose. Hrm. Yeah, I've been trying to understand how Mark can be so "whatever" about it, but I suppose I finally get it. I don't know what to say about her, though, not really, because, I mean... It was my fault, wasn't it? Our fault? Jayne and me? Driving her away? Well. I suppose it might not have been that completely, but it must've been the catalyst or something. I still remember those days, guessing everyday when the lunch bell rang whether or not she'd be there in the amphitheater. Now, it's like, "Oh, what a nice surprise!" when she's there. This makes me sad.

What's worse is the distance between us now. How is it that friendships can fade away so quickly? Not talking everyday, and suddenly we're only acquaintances. We laugh together, we joke together, we giggle, we talk about cute boys (or rather, I think we both try, to salvage what things used to be like), but we're nothing close to what we used to be. How can somebody jump from being a great friend to a mere acquaintance so quickly? When did I become distant from her and become so close to Jayne and Erin? (When I was with Kelly and Kristine at the play on Friday, and I was laughing at stuff Jayne and Jason were saying on the phone, and Kelly and Kristine were like, "I think she should've gone with them," and I felt really bad and hung up immediately.)

I think...friendships really have a lot to do with how much effort the parties involved invest into maintaining them, furthering them. Diana calls [used to call, when she was still attending school! ] me daily just to talk about anything in the world, Jayne either calls or IMs me daily just to listen to me ramble about my thoughts and my life, Mark IMs me daily just to fool around and talk about random things. Lately, Kelly and Erin have both been just talking to me a lot more, and they've even called me just to talk randomly, and it's really nice. I mean, we're hardly close to the point that we don't ever have to think of topics to talk about (like Di and me), but it's just...nice. And it makes me happy to know that these people like me enough to want to talk to me for an extended amount of time, yeah? Hrm, epiphany. I guess this could be one reason it always bothered people that I never like...call or IM first; I always wait for them to contact me and then open up. Maybe they misinterpreted it as like...that I didn't care about being friends with them? That I didn't want to talk to them? I dunno.

I keep trying to change that; I keep trying to call and IM people, but it's just become a habit, now.... I dunno. In the past few weeks, I've called both Diana and Jayne, and it's...nice. And it's nice how they appreciate it. Diana was really touched; I told her I was just calling 'cause I was bored, and she was like, "Awww, I'm so happy that you would do that! 'Cause I'm always calling you when I'm bored, but you never called me," and I was just like... Wow, I didn't know she cared. I'm still a little iffy about IMing Mark first, but lately I've been IMing Mag and Amanda randomly, just commenting on their away messages or even just saying, "Hi! What's up? How was your day?" ...Come to think of it, I've come a long way. I should be proud! But I should also keep working towards becoming completely comfortable with initiating contact with my friends. The day that I feel comfortable calling Erin or Mark to talk will be an amazing one, haha. I wouldn't be able to call Amanda at all; her line is plugged up with Duy all the time! With any luck, I'll be able to do so by the end of this summer. I'm hoping to spend a lot more time with everyone this summer; I really... I really despise thinking about it, but we only really have a little more than a year left. I want to milk it for all it's worth, because these are truly the greatest people I have ever known.

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mood: relaxed, though I should be stressed about SAT subject tests and AP testing...
music: La Almeja Pequena - Gordon Goodwin

So on Saturday, I went to South Coast w/ Jess to look for a dress for prom. Luckily, I was successful. Dress shopping is exhausting. And yep, I really like it, so it's cool. OMFG, blue. ^___^

 



It cost a little more than I'd wanted (which was like, 50 or lower, heh), but I'm just going to use my own jewelry (maybe borrow pearl earrings from Di or Amanda) and borrow a sweater from Amanda, so I feel better. And yesterday, I got silver strappy heels that I'm going to die in, but that make me tall and sexy, w00t. And a randomass bag, because Mother said that my idea to just bring any old purse was stupid. I got a new pair of sandals, too, that look really good on me. It's really weird. I'm so done with shoe shopping for the summer. For like...the next six months. Honestly, I am so tired of shopping. I need to not go shopping for like...until October or something. Oh, and I got two new eyeshadows from MAC, which was not exactly the smartest thing money-wise, but damn, I really like their eyeshadows. I experimented with what I could do for prom (I really want to do wavy hair but I might just end up borrowing Amanda or Jayne's straightner to save money), and I really liked how it turned out. If only my eyelashes weren't always in the damn way.

Yesterday, Jayne came over after they came back from Reno, and I taught her the two math lessons that she missed! I taught Jayne, the nerdy math-lover, math! It was exciting. Haha. And then this morning, Beth picked me up, and we met up with Jayne at school, and I taught Erin the two lessons! And they both understood it! Okay, it's not like they were really difficult concepts or anything, but still. Yay! I've missed Erin these past few days; we really have a lot of fun. Oh and in the middle of the "lesson," Jason came in behind me and was all molesting my neck as usual, and Erin and Jayne said I had a pleased expression on my face for a moment before it turned into weirded out disgust. LOL. I swear I was just in the middle of laughing and then just froze. He gave me a nice hug after Bio, though. I really like the hugs that aren't just like, yay hug! for like three seconds. Long hugs are nice. I think he's the only one who does that to me anymore. Di's been gone for so long, and I think Jayne prevents herself from doing it to me, or maybe I prevent her from doing it, somehow. Oh, but it's nice that Erin and I are hugging so much now, though! I really like hugs.

I forgot my contacts so my eyes kinda ached the whole day, which was kind of weird, because I usually only wear them during school hours/when I go out (and still then, sometimes not). In math, I had to use my glasses to get the notes, and they felt really heavy and made my head hurt. That's not a good sign. Hrm. Anyway, I put my head down to rest since my head/eyes were aching, and fell asleep. So I'm having this nice, not so uncomfortable nap in math class, and suddenly I hear this wrangled yell that sounds like some crazy foreign language, and my eyes snap open and my head jerks up in confusion. The entire class laughs, and everyone's looking at me. Apparently the yell had actually been everyone yelling, "Elaine!" Oh man, I haven't got that much attention from that many people in forever. It was pretty funny.

And tonight Amanda, Jayne, and I attended this presentation at school given by a Buddhist monk, and it was pretty cool. He mentioned homosexuality and told us about how it's "just another way of suffering," no different from heterosexuality or asexuality. I liked that. No distinctions, you know? We're really all just the same at the core of our beings. And about abortion, like... They teach to not kill, so what do they think, yeah? But he said that it's your responsibility, your choice, because you're the one who has to deal with the consequences. I liked that, too. And the stuff about sex and lust and not owning stuff but just using it was really cool, too. I really do like learning about religions; it's really interesting. Another thing that's really cool about it, though, is like... I dunno, I just feel more affirmed in my atheism. Not like, "Oh, that's so stupid, so I don't believe it, awesome" but more like... "Okay, that's pretty interesting that you believe that, but I don't, and that's okay with me, too," and well, it's a very nice feeling. It's always fascinated me (sometimes in a mean way, in the past), the things that people believe.

Comparative Religions is a class that is sometimes a bunch of tedious work and sometimes gets a little rambly and boring, since it's Mr. Antenore, haha, but really, I think everyone needs to take some kind of class like this. All those kids in all those other schools w/o it are really missing out. I feel so much more worldly, and, well... You learn that really, you like things from all the religions, little things from each, no matter how much you disagree or even dislike about them. Makes me feel good. And, well, helps you see life in a billion different ways. I still really want to do that Hinduism thing, like, sit back and think about yourself and your life in third person. I think everyone would learn so much if they just sat down and took the time to do that. Sometimes we get so caught up in ourselves that we just don't see our own flaws or even our admirable traits.

Interesting question: If you started a religion, what would your basic teachings be?

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mood: some strange mix of relief, pride, guilt, and just the tiniest bit of disappointment
music: Supposed to Be - Jack Johnson

maybe it's up with the stars
maybe it's under the sea
maybe it's not very far
maybe this is how it's supposed to be

So today at lunch, I was telling Mag about how Jayne asked Andy to Prom and somehow the topic got to me asking Mark (who is in Reno). I told them that he wasn't going, but they said that I should just go for it anyway, just for the hell of it. I pondered it during Tennis and remembered him telling me the other day about how it's shame when people don't take risks because of their fears/insecurities. And I thought, oh, what the heck; I don't take enough chances in life. It's about time to start doing so. Then, after school, I went to go see The Shadowbox at school (much better than I'd expected; I even cried at the scene during which Maggie yelled at Joe about what they could've had) and got its message about how sometimes there really isn't a tomorrow so we need to like, embrace today and live it, yeah? (I want to write a story about what people would do if they knew they were dying tomorrow but could do anything in the world today, except save themselves.)

Everyone was all saying that I should, even Diana. And I dunno, everyone is so nice, but Di just...gives her honest opinion w/o caring about the niceness, I suppose. I'm actually really sad that I didn't save the conversation, because she was all...into it. It was really cute. (She's been absent from school for months. I miss her so much.) Anyway, I called him a few times but he didn't pick up, and then Jayne and Erin went all crazy and ran to his hotel room to make him listen to me. I was going to hang up then, but I suppose that would be a little weird. So I made him get paper and copy down what I dictated, which was essentially doyouwanttogowithmetoprom in phonetic Chinese. Halfway through, he was like, "Oh, I know what this is about," and then, "No." No. It was interesting, being rejected on the spot. It was so simple, so easy. Why do they say it's hard to say no? It's so easy. Then he kind of rambled, in a random mix of English and Chinese, so I didn't catch everything he said, but he said he didn't have enough money and something about the people in the room? I think he was really exasperated, so I felt really bad and apologized.

I just remember I kept saying, "It's cool; don't worry about it" and he kept trying to explain and then I tried explaining why I'd asked even though I knew he wasn't going and I tried to smile but kept getting choked up and couldn't speak, which is really quite embarassing, in retrospect. I thought about it, a little later, and mused on how interesting it was that he'd responded exactly the way I'd expected him to respond, which I'd been adamant about to my friends. I find that kinda funny, like, well, of course I know him better than my friends. I could've just listened to my first instinct and saved the trouble. But I mean, it's not that big of a deal. I'm totally cool. See, you damn optimists (...hrm, I suppose I'm kinda one now, though; how weird), expecting to not expect anything is a fantastic self-defense mechanism. And, well, I dunno. I feel pretty damn good about myself. For once in my fucking life, I went out there and tried to get something I wanted. Unsuccessful? Pah, that's the way the world works! You just can't have it all. And hell, Winter Formal is still like some insane battery charger keeping me all lit up. ...Yeah, I don't do analogies.

The friends were all sympathetic, though, and I had to laugh and tell them I'm fine. Overall, I'm totally cool. And feel damn successful, which I suppose is kind of ironic in a way, but yep. Hooray for being brave!

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mood: jealous/sad before, but kinda placated now, I guess
music: But It's Better If You Do - Panic! At the Disco

And isn't this / Exactly where you like me?

This is annoying. I'm like, really jealous, which makes me feel really lousy, which is pissing me off and making me feel even more lousy. The Jazz kids, Erin, Mark, and Jayne (and Jason), are in Reno, performing and having fun. I dunno, I was all sad in the morning when Jason and then Jayne hugged me goodbye, and couldn't stop thinking about everyone. And maybe it's really presumptuous, but I kinda think of myself as part of their group? I dunno. I actually like fucking cried when Jayne was telling me about what they were doing! WTF?! Man, I'm such a messed up wreck sometimes. Sigh. Jayne's so mean for taunting me. Nah, this is just me being really stupid. I always get like this when I think too hard about missing out on something. Erin and Jayne think I'm being stupid and should stop whining and just join band. Not an option, though. I hate being bad at shit. And, well, I'd feel like I was intruding/imposing on their "thing", anyway. I'll stick with being a groupie. Next time, I'll be a stowaway groupie. Hrmph.

I suppose I'm jealous that they're like hanging out and stuff, which they've done a lot, but I'm never there, so I always feel like we never get to hang out as a group, which I just realized is totally untrue--except for the me part, I guess. I'm still sad about the pool that one time, and they even called me! Hrm. Wow, I disgust myself sometimes. I'm not the fucking center of the world, gosh. I really am being really presumptuous. How unattractive. I HATE IT WHEN I KNOW WHAT I'M FEELING IS DUMB AS SHIT BUT I CAN'T STOP IT! AAAAARGH. Oh what the fuck, now I'm getting teary. This is pathetic. But oh well, I feel less weirdly sad when I don't think about it. So yay, distractions! (I miss them!)

So, today. I missed like 2385032952 on my Bio final. 84-88%, depending. Hrmph. Hotaru got -2 and Kelly -4. Sigh. Hello, B. Nope, still hasn't sunken in yet. There's another assignment, though... He said he'd forgotten about it. Something about labs and yucky stuff, but if it'll help me get an A... I hope my grade is still salvagable, sigh. Ican'tbelieveI'mgoingtogetaB. We took a practice AP test. It was so boring that I just fell asleep. Oops. I'm curious to see how I did on it, though. The AP test essays sound scary.

Then I slept during Religions, too, accidentally. Some guy came into the class and asked his girlfriend to Prom w/ flowers; it was cute. Mr. Antenore told them to come to him in four months (they've been going out for three) because if they were still going out, that'd be something really special. He said seven months is remarkable and totally means you're meant to be, which was cute. Hrm. Jayne and I made five months, huh? Amanda was so happy at that; it was adorable. I was like, "Yay, Amanda!" and she was like, "Two years!" and again, I was like, damn, she and Duy have really impressed me. When we went to Spectrum (oops, didn't blog about that yet), I saw a TON of guy clothes that I totally wanted for myself, but was sad because they were all way too big for me. Amanda saw some, too, and bought a shirt for Duy! It was so cute. I was like, "Damn, Amanda, you suck; I want a boyfriend to dress up and for whom I can buy stuff for!" Hehe.

Lunch was lonely. A not-so-great band was playing in the Amphitheater while I tried to entertain Kelly and Amanda but ended up doing math homework. During Orch, we had a sub since Mr. V's gone, and Kevin "conducted" us for like ten minutes, since he only made us play each song once and then just sat there, not even keeping time for us or anything. [rolls eyes] Then, we had sectionals, and everyone just hung around outside. I wanted to play, though, so Kelly invited me over to play with the violas, half of whom ended up slacking off halfway through. In the end, it was just Kelly, Chris, Sarah, and me practicing for realz, which is good, at least. I was suddenly very conscious about my pitch, since I was the only violin. Ew. My intonation is disgusting. I need to work on that this weekend.

Math was kind of exciting. I really understood the lesson and actually finished all my homework during class--by myself--for the first time in a long time. Kelly remarked, "Yeah, you seemed to really get this one." Sigh. I hate that I always like math when I understand it but hate it when I just don't get it. Though I guess that's understandable. Anyway, yeah, that was kind of cool.

Shopping for prom dress on Sunday. Sigh. Hopefully the fat will help this time.

Oh, I got a letter thingy from the National Merit company recognizing me for my PSAT score (just 201, so I'm really surprised), which was nice. It's like approximately the top third of the nation, I think. It was encouraging to see myself being called up alongside people like Mark and Tiffany and Neeraj. I suppose I don't give myself enough credit, sometimes. I guess I just have too many people to compare myself to. I told Mark when he called today and he said he was really happy for me, which was really nice. Mother was all excited, because she thinks anything I get reocognized for is like the greatest thing in the world. If she wasn't my parent, I'd probably think that it's cute how much faith she has in me and how she's always even happier than me about my academic achievements, and I get pretty damn excited. It ends up being exasperating a lot of the time, though. When I told Father, he seemed kind of disappointed about my PSAT score (he thinks I'm some kind of genius ) but was cheered up when he asked me about my SAT score again--though, thinking back, I think it seemed kind of reluctant, like he wishes I'd achieved some WOW! score. I guess I'm lucky that my parents think so highly of me.

Speaking of WoW... Diana and I have a date. I'll blog about yesterday later!

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mood: relaxed
music: Sanseneon - Robert Frost

I pulled some neck muscle really weirdly yesterday when I was stretching and was suddenly in immense pain. I could barely lean to the left. Showering was a pain. It's harder than you'd think to wash your hair with only one hand! Mother gave me some medicine and I tried massaging myself and then just hoped that it'd be gone in the morning, but nope. And of all the nights, it had to be the night that I had to study like crazy for the Bio final. I ended up going to sleep earlier than I usually do before a Biology test because it hurt and it was annoying me. I think I have a higher pain tolerance than a lot of people though, but that might just be my weird conceited side talking, I dunno. Anyway, when I woke up, it still hurt a lot. I went to school with my head cocked to the side, heh. The test was kind of painful to take, literally. It's kinda interesting, though; everytime I'm sick or something hurts really badly or something, I just...end up really appreciating what it's like when I'm not in pain/sick! Which is a good thing, I suppose. Jayne gave me about a million massages, of which I am very grateful. She and Di are lovely masseuses. The pain finally died away at the concert, thank god! Well, it still aches if I bend my neck a certain way, but at least I'll be able to play tennis tomorrow.

So in Orch today, I wasn't able to play because I couldn't bend my head to left, much less hold it there for a long time to hold my violin up. But in the middle of one of our songs, Mr. V was talking about how the violins were so unenthusiastic about the part of the music in which we snap, and you know what he said! He was like, "Come on, Jayne and Elaine are rockin' it back there and dancing, while the rest of you are just...mrgh," and that just totally made my day! Jayne and I have always been really into like...cool beats and have always bounced in our seats/moved with the beat and stuff, 'cause we're dorks, I guess. ("Sanseneon" last year was so awesome!) Anyway, getting compliments/recognition from teachers has always been so special to me, so that makes me really happy. 'Cause hey, maybe if we don't have the skills, at least we've got the spirit!

Oh, and at one point during the class, Mr. V'd been like, "Oh, it was Jayne who played that note so loudly? I'd thought it was Elaine. No instrument!" (It was actually Kelly, hehe.) Anyway, I really care about what Mr. V thinks of me because I dunno, he's probably the closest any teacher in high school has come to actually liking me, like...not just "oh, she's nice" but actually...likes me, I guess, and so yeah, I care. So I went up to him after class and explained my neck pain dilemma and instead of brushing it off as a stupid excuse or something, he was like, "Oh, well, thank you for telling me; I was wondering why you weren't playing," and I was like, "OMG, I love Mr. V!"

Sigh, it's a nice contrast to Mr. Jacob's... I don't even know. Last week, I was exhausted from the change of sleeping time from spring break, so I took a nap in PreCal. Later, Jayne was like, "Yeah, Elaine, don't sleep in math class!" and Mr. Jacob gave her a Via Vaquero for saying that! When I went up to his desk to get my test (83%, sigh ), I tried explaining why I was so tired, but he didn't seem to really care. The next day, I wasn't able to get my homework done (because I'd stayed up having that convo w/ Jayne and finishing an essay, blagh). When he came around to check, he'd actually thought that I'd done it, but I shook my head because I'm too fucking honest nowadays. And you know what he did? Full on yelled, "Wake up and do your homework! Sheesh!" and I was just like... I don't remember ever being yelled at by a teacher! It was scary. And it made me sad. But the worst was the next day, when the first thing he did when he saw me was ask me if I'd done my homework. I hated that feeling of like...being a slacker in the eyes of a teacher who I'd actually thought was really cool. I still think he's really cool, which is part of the problem, I suppose. If I didn't like him, I wouldn't care so much. Sigh. Anyway. It's a really yucky feeling knowing a teacher doesn't trust you. He hasn't said anything this week, though, so maaaaaybe he forgot or something. (Yeah, right.) ...A in PreCal. A in PreCal. This needs to be my mantra from now on. Sigh.

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mood: thoughtful
music: Supposed to Be - Jack Johnson

So, these last two weeks have been pretty damn busy and exhausting. Recap time! ...the beginning of it, anyway.

Monday night, Jayne and I started talking about the relationship and how she is now and how it ended and why it ended and just...everything. It was really good. I think she was more reluctant to dig up the past than I was, but I was persistent. I tried talking to her in a much more clinical matter, as if I were a friend trying to help her through a tough breakup. Which I suppose I am, in a fucked up circular way. Anyway. Asked her a lot of questions, trying to get her to get some epiphany or something, or at least just some understanding of herself. 'Cause really, that's the first step to any kind of healing. So yeah, she said she was really angry and volatile and fucked up, and I agree. Jealousy is a major part of it, but I suppose we all knew that already. I tried to get down to the base of that feeling, but it was pretty much just the fact that I like someone who isn't her, who doesn't reciprocate my feelings, which is a bitter pill for her to swallow because she would give me everything.

Finally, I asked her, "Are we going to ever be a couple again?" because she's expressed that sometimes I do things that make her think that I still like her. She said no. But I replied, "That was quick. Do you believe it?" And she said no. Because it's a case of fucked up denial and hope and rationality. I said, "Okay, so it's partly 'Okay, I know she won't ever reciprocate, but MAYBE SHE WILL, YOU NEVER KNOW' and partly 'Well, it's not impossible; there's 50230/3284389 chance of a relapse or something'" and she agreed. I added it probably wouldn't change her mind if I just said it wasn't going to happen, huh; she said, "You say no everyday!" and I'm relieved that at least I've done that part right, if nothing else. But then the key question: I asked her why she thought there was a chance of a relapse at all, when I tell her I'm not interested every single day. She said, "Because there was a relapse once."

This startled me. It hadn't even occured to me that it was that mistake of mine that kept or so fucked up. Because after summer, it was just like... I didn't want to be with her anymore; I knew I would never venture into a relationship with her again. But...it's so stupid, but my heart was still attached, I suppose. It's so much easier to deal with things that aren't right in front of your face, and I suppose that's why it was so easy for me to just break it off during the summer. Never once did I have to face her. Oh, how that fucked up two-month long (wow, was it really that long?) relapse annoyed the shit out of me, though. I didn't want it to go on. I'd ended the fucking relationship already! Why weren't the feelings gone! I never blogged about it, I think, because I didn't want people to think that I was weak, that I felt sorry for her in any way. I suppose I wanted to deal with it by myself. But I did feel very weak. Fortunately, I finally found the will and the power to just stop. We just stopped seeing each other, and that was when I truly started to feel in control of my life.

When I told her this, she asked me, "What about what I wanted?" And I pointed out that my new life philosphy dictates that I'm not going to let people rule my life anymore. And besides, there is something very wrong with any relationship in which one party is extremely fulfilled the other extremely annoyed. She asked if I'd felt anything ending that brief...thing. I said no. I didn't. If anything, I was proud of myself for having that self-restraint and for stopping being so selfish so that she could let go too--because I didn't recede for her. It had nothing to do with her, really. I did because I couldn't stop myself, which is disgraceful.

We learned some interesting things about each other that night. She asked me again why she annoyed me so much during summer. I told her she kept wanting me to do something that didn't want to do, which (petulant child that I am) just made me want to do it even less. And the layer beneath that annoyance was the fact that she couldn't live apart from me. She told me something interesting: she was going to break up with me, all the way back in April! But she ended up falling in love with me, which blew that plan, I suppose. She said that it was already getting stale then, which I find interesting. I don't think I was really annoyed until mid-May or something, when we almost ended it together but she ended up saying that she'd try, and I supposed that it was only right to give the thing another chance. I realized, though, how sad it is that we both tried. I tried, she tried--but I'm not very compromising, and she's too compromising.

She apologized for "being like this", and noted that she thinks she's more addicted to the idea of me loving her than she's addicted to me as a person. That's interesting, and it caused me to re-evaluate my past feelings. Michael... I think I was obsessed with being in love with him. The boy himself? Not exactly the most magnificent nor impressive person, but the extent to which I loved him, just the feeling of loving him... That was magnificent. With the Girl? I told Diana once that I thought I might be in love with my idea of her. (She never measured up to the idea.) But thinking back, I think a lot of it was like...me loving the idea of her being my girlfriend. I think that applies to Jayne, too. And with this current thing, I think it's the idea of us together. I'm not sure what it used to be--although, I think it may be the closest I've come to just...like, just the person, you know? But I suppose I'm biased at the moment, so I dunno.

I cried at one point in the conversation. She said it was actually really hard to love me, but she misses the person that I was when I was with her.

Jayne: and i say that with a smile
Elaine: oh
Jayne: she was great
Jayne: she made my heart melt
Elaine: she was fat LOL
Jayne: she sucked a lot more at math
Jayne: but shew as so timid sometimes
Elaine: oh
Jayne: i miss her
Jayne: and you cant ever be that person again
Elaine: no, i can't
Elaine: and i wouldn't choose to be
Jayne: it's okay
Jayne: she grew up

I dunno. It made me sad, thinking about like...how I used to be. I mean, since the summer, I've thought of that person as weak, insecure, whiny, dependent, irrational, hypocritical...all these bad things. But only a few times have I ever thought of that person as like...somebody that people would miss, somebody that people might prefer over this new happy, confident Elaine. I suppose it's just that I feel so good being the person that I am now, I don't really think about how maybe others liked the old Elaine. But sometimes, I feel like... After the summer, I lost all that was Elaine. Jayne said that I "grew up fine," but agreed that I'm not so much Elaine anymore, as I was before. I sometimes fear that I've lost my connection with some of my friends by becoming so much more confident and happy. I dunno... It was insecurity that got Mag and Mark to like... I dunno, I just feel like it was frequently a topic of discussion, and like...they'd try to help me gain self-esteem and stuff, and now that I have it, I wonder if I've lost that connection to them? I don't know. I guess my coaches made me too perfect, haha. I feel closer now to almost everyone than before, which I suppose is a good sign. I do hope so.

Oh, yeah. About a week ago, Diana asked if Jayne and I were still seeing each other. I was like, "...WTF, no!" And once, I was talking to Mark and he was like, "If you ever get together again..." and I was like...amazed. I think it's interesting how my friends think of me. Like, I'm not sad about it or anything; I just think it's really intriguing. It reminds me of how like...apparently, when Jayne and I first got together, Mag, Kelly, and Erin all thought that she'd break up with me and that I'd end up heartbroken. Wow. The irony is almost amusing.

Also, I was reading archives the other day and found that entry about the whole, "I HATE LESBIANS" chalking in the amphitheater where we eat lunch. Hrm. I still wonder who that was.

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mood: frustrated
music: Spin - Lifehouse

I'm going to get a B in AP Biology.

Nope, still not sinking in yet. But yep. Studied my ass off for the final, took it this morning, and I just... I didn't do badly. In a class with any other people it'd probably be deemed a pretty good test. But no, this year just had to be the year during which all the curvesetters took the class. The curve for the last test? -1. What the fuck kind of curve is that?! (We got -7, which is narrowly an A-.) Ugh. It's so frustrating. And now everything's pretty much locked. This was the last test, the last thing we're going to be graded on.

I'm going to get a B in a class that isn't even math. I don't have any excuses, except that I'm just not as smart as some people. I studied so fucking hard for this class, for every freaking test, every freaking quiz. I cannot believe that that one unit caused my grade to go down the drain. My high school career! Nope, still hasn't sunk in yet.

Mother said, "It's okay, Elaine... Don't worry, and don't pressure yourself so hard," or something. Jayne noted how she wished her mom said nice things like that, and well, I guess I'm lucky that she's so open now. (Took years of training, that. ) But I dunno, it's never been about pleasing my parents. It's just... I didn't meet my standards. I put so much fucking work into this one class, and I...don't even have an A.

Now I have to work my ass off in Pre Cal to make up for it. Unfortunately, I got a B- on the test we took yesterday. Fun times. School pisses me off. I don't even get my achiever's joy/pride. All I get is this stupid fucking feeling of just being fucking dumb.

But. I guess it's not the end of the world. Worse things could happen, I guess. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn here. Not to try harder, for sure. That it's not the end of the world to get a B? Pfft. Maybe. Though I don't think I'm learning it correctly.

A in PreCal. A in PreCAl. A in PreCal.

YAAARGH!

Much more to blog about, but I have an essay due. Bleck.

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This is interesting. Very opinionated, but I suppose to be a leader of any kind of activist group you have to be pretty damn opinionated, haha. I like this part:

Why do you hate us so much that you will not permit us to legally love? I am almost 72, and I have been hated all my life, and I don't see much change coming.

And:

Courts rule against gays with hateful regularity. And of course the Supreme Court is not going to give us our equality, and in the end, it is from the Supreme Court that such equality must come.

Soooooo, domestic partnerships established in Washington! Yay. This year has been looking up, with New Jersey and all. Apparently the New Hampshire governor is trying to get a bill legalizing civil unions (which would recognize marriages from other states! (Massachussets's law doesn't, although they've been debating it lately, I think)), so good luck to him! I just read an article about that, though--one that opposed the bill and said this:

Nor has the governor or anyone calculated the fiscal cost to the New Hampshire taxpayer and to its relief system when these [married gay] couples start demanding their welfare and health benefit rights.
- UnionLeader.com

Wow! 'Cause you know, sparing some money to make sure people get equal rights, what a blasphemous idea!

Jayne and I were talking about controversial topics and our opinions on them in Bio on Friday, and it was pretty interesting. I noted that it seemed to me that of all the controversial topics, gay rights and gay marriage were the easiest to debate. I dunno. Like for a lot of the other domestic stuff, I can see and understand the other side's POV and like...why somebody would believe that, but for gay rights, it's just like... I dunno, the other side seems so illogical to me. But then I added that maybe I was just biased or like...it's just 'cause I know so much more about gay rights issues than other topics or something. I dunno. I thought that was interesting.

Day of Silence was on Wednesday. I'd thought it was earlier in the month, since last year it was on like April 6th and the year before it'd been early April too, I think. Jayne said Kujo'd told her a few days previous, but she'd forgotten. Mark participated in half of it and said he was going to copy the sticker for Jayne and me, but the copier had been broken or something. Aw, man. But I think that's so awesome that he did it. I have fantastic taste in friends.

I have a lot to blog about and too much to do! Aagh! Jayne said she hated school today. I don't hate school, but I sure to wish it was significantly less stressful! Maybe I'm just going to stick with my extremely empty schedule for next year and just give myself a break. Thank god I only took two AP classes. It's a good thing I knew myself well enough to know that I'd somehow end up working more/getting way less sleep than my friends who are in like three APs. Sometimes, I wonder if I work too hard. It's not even like I'm trying to maintain some fantastic standing with my classmates or something. I just... I dunno. Sometimes I think I push myself too hard. I was reading the archives and came across something about how like... Mother was concerned about my lack of sleep but I said that was stupid because I had an entire lifetime to sleep and only four years to perfect a record to send to colleges. And I dunno, I read that and thought, "Wow, how stupid," and I guess that's another part of how I've changed. I really need to watch my health more and get some more sleep. This four-hour thing can't be good for me. I will be glad when I don't have to study so hard for Bio anymore. ...Unless I don't end up with an A. Then I will probably be very upset at myself for not working even harder.

I am wishing hard for Jayne's baby brother, who might be taken off of life support tomorrow.

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mood: placated
music: Shame - Matchbox Twenty

So. Virginia Tech shooting. It scares everyone, but it scares me a little more because, well. I spent my early childhood there. Father taught at Virginia Tech. So it's not just crazy, it's... Hits a little closer to home, in a literal way, kind of. I don't know how to explain it, but yeah. I even remember the campus. There was a duck pond right next to the school; that's where I developed my love for ducks. We used to take walks there. So it's pretty hard and pretty scary for me to imagine a tragedy like this occuring there, in a place I associate with comfort and family and childhood and simple happiness.

Mother's worried about the possible racist backlash, and I agree. Even here in Southern California of all places, with its immense racial diversity, there are so many people who are still very ignorant and very racist. Back in Virginia, it's... It's way different. I moved away after kindergarten, so I don't think I was subject to any racist jabs back then, but like... Hearing about the shooter makes me wonder: how would I have been treated had I remained there for elementary school, for middle school, for high school? Would life be different for me than for my classmates? How are the minorities there treated today? Hrm.

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mood: I was bummed, but now I feel a lot better
music: All At Once - The Fray

I want you to believe in me
I want you on my side
- Downfall, Matchbox Twenty

Today Mark was telling me about a book he has about becoming a better person, and he showed me a list of really good points from it. It made me really happy to see how many of them applied to me. At this point, the only thing I'm very confident in is my ability to be a good friend, and I'm really proud of how far I've come as a person. Now, you say, not being confident doesn't sound like NewHappyElaine! Well, it's like... I acknowledge that I may be relatively good at English and layouts and stuff, but I'm perfectly aware of the fact that there are a ton of people way more talented at those things than I am. And hey, I'm just glad that I have even the tiniest amount of talent. But being a good friend is like... I dunno. I don't really believe that you can ever have it all. There seems to always at least one thing a person excels at, and maybe more than a few things they're not the best at. I quelled my inferiority complex (mostly, anyway; it's really at the basic core of me, the part that nothing can really change) with that realization. 'Cause you know, as hard as I try, I never seem to achieve the same academic levels as Kelly and Mark, but maybe that's okay, because I... I've come to think of being a good friend as my talent. Maybe it's an unconventional one. But hey, it helps people, yeah? Well, I sure hope so, anyway.

I suppose I used to always have this concept of myself as not being a good person. Maybe it was how quickly I dismissed homophobes; maybe it was how quickly I found myself disliking people who didn't like me--and a lot who just emitted an aura I wasn't comfortable with; maybe it was how fastidiously I avoided arguments and how quickly I was to fall to tears if they couldn't be avoided; maybe it was how I had become so alienated from my family. But after the past summer, after I transformed into a new person... I finally realize that I'm not a bad person. In fact, far from it. Kelly's helped me realize, that too. Especially how like... I dunno, Kelly's always been the righteous, moralistic, fair, just...good person of our group. And talking to her so much this year, I realized that even though maybe I'm so good that I won't let people copy my work or cut in line or follow my teachers' instructions down to the very last word, but... I'm not bad.

I think I've blogged a lot about my complimenting thing. I compliment people a lot. I compliment people as much as Diana criticizes me! It even like...bums me out when I can't compliment somebody for something. Like today, I really liked Denice's skirt and wanted to tell her that, but I didn't want to interrupt Mr. Giuliano. I just think... I dunno. I always feel so happy when somebody compliments me, and I want to make other people feel that brief, proud moment of joy. And I always compliment people on their handwriting, which led Kelly to ask me if I just say that to everyone, and well, no, I don't. But I think...little things like that brighten up people's days. I hope so, anyway. That's one thing I've noticed that Sarah and I have in common. And, well, I dunno. I always remember the compliments that I get. Like, I still remember that one time at Disneyland, the lady who handed me my bowl of clam chowder told me she really liked my nails. And like a few weeks ago, Amanda told me she liked the color of my shirt, and I was really happy. And Di's compliments, especially, just really make me feel great.

And there was also something about showing respect for other people's opinions and never telling them that they're wrong. I am really proud of how far I've come in this aspect. It's amazing what a friend's words can do to you. Whenever we've discussing controversial topics, Diana's always had such a fair, logical stance (moreso than Kelly, who is sometimes less logical and more moral--I'm not sure if I said that the way I mean it, but yeah) that I've just...really admired. Oh, she has her opinions and what she believes is right, but she's just so...fair. We've discussed gay rights and marriage and stuff a lot, and she's always acknowledged the other side's good points, but then makes the rational choice on her stance. And I mean, that's why I have so much respect for her, and partly why I have that worship-complex for her. And when I rant to her about some controversial thing/argument with someone that upsets me, she always like... She truly sees things so well, I don't even know how to explain it. Anyway, she and Mark (who once reversed an argument on me by bringing up gay rights) inspired me to try to acknowledge the other side. And now I really do. I really try to understand the opinions of other people: why they feel that way; how can they not see my opinion; would I believe the same thing if I were put in their place? And it just... It's amazing how things like this make me feel like such a better person.

Anyway, Mark was talking about how Sarah seems to have mastered all of the points on the list and about how good of a person she is, and I dunno, it made me kind of sad that like... I don't think I'm ever going to be anyone's epitome of a good person, and I don't think my friends think of me as one at all. Okay, fine, it made me really sad. But after being emotional, I pondered it, and I realized, well... It doesn't really matter if anyone thinks of me as a good person, right? What really matters is that I continue to try to be one. And hey, at least I myself know. That's more than I could have said a year ago. And, well... Nobody is perfect, yeah? I've come a long way and have improved so much in the past few years, and that's what really matters--not what other people think of me.

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mood: relieved
music: Say It Right - Nelly Furtado

This song is fun to dance to. Must thank Jayne for the rec. So Amanda, Jayne, and I are debating prom. Amanda sounds like she wants us to all go, but I doubt that will happen. Four (plus Duy) is better than nothing, though, right? The problem is, the AP Bio test is on the Monday after it, which is kind of scary. Man, talk about relaxing before a test, haha. I suppose we'll see.

I'm mad at myself for being stupid. So I studied like crazy for the Bio test. Like. Crazy. Man, I knew the material so unbelievably well. Memorized it well, anyway. Except, like, I didn't actually have to work that hard and should've concentrated on the final (or like, sleeping!) more, 'cause it was a group test, and I had Mark and Yassi, who are like, smart, gah! I pretty much just wrote the essay; I should've just memorized that and gone to sleep at like two instead of four! I'm an idiot. They consulted me on the ones they didn't know, though, which was kind of nice. I felt very prepared. And...well. I felt appreciated, and it was really nice. Recently I haven't really shone in anything except maybe English, so...yeah. I hope we did well. I really need it! There is no way I'm ending this semester with a B in the class I work my ass off at! But uh. I need to study for the AP test. Heh. I should right now, but... I think I deserve a break for surviving this week. x_x Which I will blog about laterrrrrr.

Now it's time to get out my math homework and tell myself I'm trying to do it while I'm actually just watching Ranma, playing WoW, or reading old blog entries.

I'm so glad Erin and Mark are back, though! I missed them a lot. Mark said he got me a postcard, which is so nice! And Erin got me a button that says, "I ♥ me". HAHA. Everyone's been saying, "OMG, that's so you." Hee! My friends are the best.

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Hrm. Disadvantages of staying up late: people try to cheat off of you. This is very strange. Earlier, Anderson asked for the graphs of my labs. I'm a nice girl. I gave 'em to him. Elaine-logic? If he's ever unkind to me, I can have something to bitch about. But then like two minutes ago, Neeraj just asked me for them. Okay, now I'm a little irked. Not upset, just kinda like... "What the hell; have they even tried?" Though I guess Neeraj said he didn't have Excel on his comp. The coincidence is just kind of funny.

I'm a nice girl.

I'm also a terrible pushover.

Hrmph. At least they were grateful. I like being thanked.

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Competitive Exclusion Principle: two species competing for the same limiting resources cannot coexist in the same community.
- One will use the resources more efficiently and will therefore reproduce faster & eliminate the inferior competitor.

Lessons on life right here in my AP Biology notes.

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mood: relaxed but not looking forward to Monday!
music: She Is - The Fray

Hrmph. The one thing that sucks about the Ranma fandom is that it's very, very het oriented and there is hardly any diversity in its fanfiction. Don't get me wrong; I'm enjoying all this Ranma/Akane fanfiction thoroughly, but I mean, today I got in a Soun/Genma mood and perused both FF.net and MediaMiner, but there was nada. I've seen a few Ranma/Ryogas, but not very many. Hrm. I guess it's because Ranma is a more shojo manga so it has more girls, and therefore there isn't the lack of females to pair up with males (like in Yu-Gi-Oh! Ahahaha, I love it; the dynamics are so fantastic!--though it really narrows the field and makes it really difficult to write yuri). And well, the whole thing is kind of centered around two things: 1) Ranma's uber martial arts skills, and 2) his and Akane's rocky budding romance, so I guess it makes sense that the entire fandom is overloaded with het. Wow, now that I think about it, this might be my first fandom in which like...the slash doesn't overpower the het fiction. No wonder I find it so strange.

Also, the numerous crossovers are kind of a pain to sort through. Nothing wrong with them of course; they're just not my thing. I dunno, I think they're pretty implausible and well, I'm not exactly familiar with half of the animes that are frequently crossed over, so yeah. A pet peeve of mine? Anime/HP crossovers. So strange. But hey, whatever floats your boat, I suppose.

On that note, I'm still receiving random reviews for my stories. It's nice, seeing all the nice things people say about my work. It's also kind of funny sometimes, because, well, I feel that the shitty work is receiving way more compliments than the real gems. But that's okay. It's also kind of funny because I'm like, "Why would anyone think that this really cliched, horribly written story I wrote when I was twelve is any good?" and then I remember, "Oh yeah, because the reviewers are twelve, too!" Heh. Oh, it was so nice! Today, Kelly and I talked for a while on the phone, just about break and random things, and she asked if I'd written any fanfiction over this break. OMG! The fact that she acknowledged that fanfiction was a huge part of my life made me feel so happy. Everyone but Jayne (and she still does, sometimes, but out of pure jest, I suppose) has always kind of just ridiculed it, so I'd thought that she thought it was a weird hobby--well, I guess she might still, but it's so nice that she asked.

This spring break was very shopping-filled. I went to the Spectrum with Jess on Easter Sunday. She insisted that all the stores were open and that she'd checked online, but nope, the stores we'd aimed to visit--PacSun for me and Hollister for her--were closed. But I still managed to spend of bunch of money anyway. I got a new pair of flip flops (and they actually look really good!), two new shirts, two pairs of earrings, and I re-bought the Anchorblue necklace I wore to Formal, heh. Mother actually gave me money this time, since she'd gone to South Coast w/ Jess earlier in the week and had paid for the large amount of stuff Jess got, so it was "fair". Then, on Thursday, Mother took us to the mall near where we used to live, and I got a ton of stuff. I'm too embarassed to even list it all. But that's my shopping for the next six months, I think. I felt so bad spending so much of Mother's money, but at least she said that she was enjoying herself. This stuff'll definitely last me a while, though. (I hope.) Being a girl is a pain in the ass sometimes. And extremely expensive.

And on Wednesday, I saw 300 and Blades of Glory with Di and Nina. 300 was kind of plotless and the chicks weren't the hottest, but it wasn't as gory as I'd expected. A lot of it was pretty sexy, especially the graphics! Like, wow. Pretty kickass. The scene with the queen in the chamber and the traitor, though, that was damn sexy! The first sex scene was pretty hilarious, though. Oh, and there was this one moment in the movie in which I think Leonidus said something about family values or was it something lovey dovey? I don't remember, but Di and Nina simultaneously burst out laughing. It was adorable (and hilarious at the same time). Man, they really are the ideal like...really good mother-daughter relationship. Okay, maybe not ideal, but they come pretty close. It was kind of funny; we didn't even movie hop to see Blades of Glory. At first Nina was going to movie hop and Di and I were going to shop, but then Di decided we should check out what else was out, and the three of us decided there was nothing (we'd only checked on one side as to not be too suspicious) so we went outside to make sure. Then, we decided to watch it and had to pay to get in again, heh. I offered to use my free tickets (we have like 300 of them! I want to use the damn things!), but well... Diana once gave me a serious talk (Nina was there, too) about how disrespectful/rude/offensive it kinda was, like, how I always offered to pay, 'cause it's like suggesting to the parent that I think they can't afford it/would let me do that. Nina vehemently agreed. I can see her point, but I dunno, I still think it's much more polite to at least offer, and well, I feel bad about having someone else pay for me! So I still try to offer, but I try not to push it too much with Nina. I sure don't want her to be offended.

Today, Mother took us, plus her college friend Charles, to Todai and Diamond Plaza. Todai was delicious, but since it was like four hours before my usual dinnertime, I didn't eat as much as I would've had we gone later. At least I tried, I guess. I was reading my WoW instruction manual when I was done eating, and Charles kept looking at me funny. Finally, I flashed him the cover and then there was a dinner convo about WoW, ahaha. He was like, "Yeah, there's tons of people who play that," to Mother, and then added, "but to be a girl and be playing it is pretty weird," or something, and I sighed. I think with the exception of Amanda, we're all pretty in touch with vid games. I grew up thinking that was the way everyone was, and didn't even realize that it wasn't that way until when I was first becoming close with Mark and he was all shocked that we played and loved SSBM. Haha, oh well. We're awesome. (That reminds me; I wish there was more quality Fire Emblem fanfiction like Fubuki no Kaen!)

Anyway, we then went to Life Plaza and I spontaneously bought a gift for Di. I dunno; she's always buying random things she sees that she knows I'd like for me, and she's been doing that for years. So I got her something really cute. I hope she likes it. I also got a new pencil case, which is exciting. Yes, I'm a dork. After that, we went to Vanille Bakery and checked out their sexy cakes. Wow, talk about overpriced. Who the hell wants to buy an 8" cake for $34? I have to say, their designs are gorgeous, but I mean, seriously. Apparently, their stuff isn't very good, though. I dunno; Mother bought a bunch and they ate it there but I chose not to get anything (so expensive!). So I was kind of bored and annoyed, since I wanted to go home and do homework. I didn't want to make a fuss in front of Charles, though, so I just sat silently and read the WoW manual. We got home at like, 11, ugh. Eh, oh well, I guess. I'll just stay up late. Heh, it's kinda funny, though, Mother keeps telling me about how Charles is so handsome. I call him her boyfriend in my head because she's always asking him out to dinner and stuff. She says that she thinks that she's like a mother figure or something to him, because he's always saying how she's so like his mother. Apparently, he's really like me, which kinda freaks me out. (I can see it, though. He's definitely the listening type.) It's like everytime I see Tina the Cheerleader. She's this popular, white-washed senior who looks like me, and it's like...freaky. I think I'm cuter, but maybe that's just my vain side talking. Heh.

I miss Erin! And Mag! I've talked to everyone else over break, but I've had like zero contact with them. And Erin won't even be here on Monday since they're in Hawaii. Mark, too. Poo on them. I hope they're having a great time, though! They deserve it.

Now, back to Ranma and studying. I don't want to go back to school!

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mood: relaxed
music: The Scientist - Coldplay

How is this song so pretty?! I dunno, I think I have like, a love/hate relationship with slow music like this. Sometimes, I'm just like, "Agh, stop whining!" But then I think, every single Matchbox Twenty song is sad, so am I being a hypocrite? But then again, no, because, I dunno... There's just this spectacular emotion their songs have, and it just gets me every time. Slow-Coldplay-like/(emo music?) music, it just...doesn't seem to have very much emotion. I mean, some of its songs have lyrics and melodies sad as hell, but I just don't... I don't feel the anguish, the sadness! Haha, I dunno. I think I may be a little biased. [waves MB20 flag]

Break is fantastic! Oh man, I have needed this break. Recently, it seems like my life has just been homework, homework, studying, and maybe a little Ranma on the side. I'm not complaining, because I know a lot of people have it way worse than I do. But I've been very tired, and though this break is all-too filled with homework, I'm very relieved to be able to have this free time. I haven't been sleeping as much as I usually do during break--just 7-8 hours instead of 10-12--but I suppose that might be a good thing, in that I'm getting more done. And yeah, I haven't been procrastinating at all! I'm done with the two syntax analyses (wc?) and my half of the Bio extra credit (Mark is a life/timesaver!). I still need to read for Religions, write three paragraphs about the syntax analysis stuff, do a 40-min AP writing (yuck), do a Bio study guide for the test and the final, prep for the quiz on Monday... Oh dear, that doesn't sound as easy as I'd thought it did. Damn it. This'll be a short entry, then. (Who am I kidding?)

So I'm officially a nerd now! Last week, I mentioned a strange urge to play WoW, and Di and Jayne went freaking psycho, but I made them wait until break. They let me borrow their games to install over break, and I played for a few days on Diana's account. It was awesome. It's a really sexy game; expensive as hell, but really sexy. I really like the graphics, and I'm very impressed by the intricacy of the places and stuff. And well, most of all, it's fun! Ah, I always forget how I really like video games/computer games, but I just...really suck at them. And yes, I really. Really. Suck at them. (Wow, that was really sexual.) And we got Jayne her own account for her birthday, so I'm now playing on both of theirs, so that I can play with them. And...it's kinda pressuring yet really nice that they're so eager for me to play. I dunno, I've always been very protective about my fandoms and have always resented having to share that love with someone else. And if it's something that somebody else introduced to me, I like the love of that thing to remain between the two of us. I don't know. I've had an awful problem with people copying me in the past, but I'm getting a lot better. Anyway, it's nice that they're both really excited for me to play and to play with me. And more importantly, my characters are really hot! I keep dying, though, HAHA. I died within like three seconds of entering the game, I died jumping into water, I died on an elevator, I died trying to play with Jayne... Heh.

Okay, more later!

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So I'm looking through my random notepad files (no, seriously, that's what the folder is called), and I found this gem from the day after Flashback:

Erin: How was the dance?
Elaine: GREAT
Elaine: i danced with M
Elain: =P
Erin: ...
Elaine: yep.
Erin: AH!
Erin: LIAR!!

[snicker] I love Erin.

I also found the conversation in which Amanda first told me that she liked Duy and how she was so excited 'cause he told her he wished that she was his girlfriend and how she was planning to hug him and was worried about awkward conversation and stuff. OMFG, adorable. He hasn't talked to me in a while, though. I hope that means that they are doing well. It was so cute; at Tropical Smoothie, she was like, "It's Duy's and my..." and then she had to count how many months it was (27!!!), "27th month anniversary on Saturday!" and I gushed a little, and then she said something like , "Yeah, he's the best boyfriend ever! He always does what I want him to do; and more importantly, he always eats with me!" LOL. I thought that was hilariously cute.

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mood: relaxed
music: Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again - Phantom of the Opera

Friday was pretty cool. Classes were only 50 min. long, which was fun. After Erin practically did my homework for me (I didn't want her to, but she kept telling me the answer of her own accord!), we went to get some donuts, my treat, since she didn't have the money she thought she did. She felt bad, but hell, she and her family have spent so much on me that it's only right. Not that I wouldn't treat any other friend, though. That was yummy.

During second, we got put into discussion groups and I was with Kelly, Frank, and Cody. Kelly and I got color imagery as a topic and came up with a bunch of stuff. (Mr. Giuliano decided to make it a contest this time, for 5 extra credit points on the "A & P" quiz.) Well, we actually didn't think it was all that great at the time, but Mr. Giuliano was really impressed. It was kinda funny: before we started, he was like, "Well, this should be an interesting group: two people I know haven't read the story, and two who definitely have," heh. I was pleased because, well, he hasn't said anything directly to me about me being smart or a good writer or a good student or anything. Apparently he's told Jayne that I'm write well, though, which is always nice to hear. He told us later that both of us were definitely MVPs. This made me feel absurdly fulfilled. I suppose I'm not often put on the same level as Kelly, no matter how hard I try. And this time, I'd tried to talk and add stuff, though it was pretty nerveracking. I don't think that I'm ever going to be a public speaker, but I still haven't given up. I still have that weird secret liking for reading aloud in class that I developed this year. It's really weird. Anyway, Mr. Giuliano was like, "And that thing about naivety, how you interpreted the white as naivete instead of innocence--ingenious," and Kelly was like, "That was Elaine," and I was just so pleased! It's not often I interpret/analyze something well, so...

At break, Amanda was crying and wouldn't (couldn't?) tell me why and I felt very helpless. Jayne said it was because she had to talk about her grandma (who passed away on her birthday... ) during Psychology. If only comforting people about deaths was less uncomfortable and ten times easier... Sigh. I'm really glad that she has Duy to help her through her times of need. Anyway, Kelly and I talked and did homework during third (we didn't have to dress out for PE). It's always really nice to talk to her, 'cause, I dunno, she seems to actually be interested in everything I have to say. I'm not sure who else would really want to listen to me analyze my own personality aloud for long periods of time. I think Jayne would listen to it out of courtesy, but be totally uninterested, haha. Regardless, it's nice. It's interesting to hear her talk about herself, too. It always amazes me when I find like...similarities between my friends and me.

After school, Beth and Dale gave us rides to Crossroads, where I got some delicious Panera for lunch! Oh man, their Bacon Turkey Bravo is so yummy. And the bread is really good bread. Mmm. After some confusion, we all got our food and ate at Tropical Smoothie, where Diana let me borrow money for a smoothie. I'm so bad. Even when I'm at my most broke/need to conserve money the most, I can never resist food. Why do I love eating so much? I don't mind being a pig in regards to my body, but must it cost so damn much? And why do I have to adore things like sashimi and smoothies and crepes? They're so damn expensive! Anyway. Lunch was fun. (Dale gave Jayne money! It's nice that they got to hang out, though. Too bad I'm not cool enough to hang out with my friends' parents! [<-- I just realized what a weird sentence that is. But a lot of parents are actually pretty cool.] I think it's really cool how close she is to Beth.) Diana was the center of attention, which was nice. I laughed a lot; I've really missed her being with us. No matter how much we laugh without her, it's just not the same as just bursting into laughter at the hilarious things she says.

Afterwards, Erin and Kelly went to Aaron Brothers and got a little gift for Di, which was nice. Mag, Di, Amanda, and I went to Tilly's. Erin and Mag ended leaving early (Jayne'd had to leave even earlier) and the rest of us stayed behind and watched Kelly try on a bunch of clothes. Diana bought underwear. We were going to buy some for Jayne for her birthday, but they were all too cute. [shudder] The idea of buying underwear in front of other people still kinda freaks me out. Hooray for buying them online. Then, we went to Payless and tried on a bunch of shoes. I found some that I liked, but Di wouldn't let us borrow money. It's good that she's finally learned her lesson about giving people money, but damn, she's so frugal now about lending any out at all! Oh, well. She did let me buy a shirt at FashionLand, which was nice. We saw Saide, who worked there, and Amy, Lindsey, and Angie, who walked in later. Oh, man... Amy is so freaking adorable. I told Amanda about liking her (it was the like...OMFG, I want to be like that kind of liking) at Erin's birthday party, and I... It was really nice. Like, she didn't even flinch at her gender or anything (on the surface, anyway), and just laughed at me. Anyway, when we went out of the store, I was like, "OMG, Amanda, she's sooo cute" and she just laughed at me. Kelly was really curious, but I don't remember if I told her why I was so squeeful or not.

On that topic... Sigh. I'm becoming so close to Kelly, and I'm practically telling her everything that happens in my life, and a lot of my feelings, and all about my personality and what I think about stuff and just...a lot of stuff. It's not so much that she listens. Mark and Jayne and Mag and sometimes Diana are willing to listen, too. But... She just... She's actually interested. She always seems so enraptured in what I have to say. In fact, when I don't tell her something, she keeps asking. And she told me that she really enjoyed our conversations. I dunno, a lot of the times I tell the others about some feeling I had that day, or some epiphany I randomly had, and it's just like... "i don't care" or "lol" and "ok" or just "cool" or just "oh really?" and I dunno. It makes me really hesitant to tell them things unless I'm sure they might be interested. I think that's kind of why I blog, too. It's like... I'm not saying my friends don't want to hear what I have to say, 'cause that's probably not true. I just sometimes feel like they don't really care about the things I say, maybe just at the times I say them or the way I say them or something. But everyone seems so in love with my blog and always says like, "Oh, that's the only way we find out any of your thoughts" and I guess...at least this way, they know my thoughts at the times that they are interested? Which is nice. Anyway. My point was... I tell Kelly so much, and it feels like about everything, except for about Jayne--Jayne as my ex Jayne. Oh, how mixed up I am about whether or not to tell her, too. On one hand, I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable if I don't have to. And I don't need to talk about it with someone; I already have people for that anyway. I just feel kind of like I'm leaving her out, in a way? I'm not sure. But I dunno.

So Diana got me to work on a new edition of the Amusement Files, and I'm like... Sometimes this gets so tedious and I feel like nobody really appreciates it, but I mean, it's really heartwarming to see all the funny things we said and interesting to see like...the dynamics of my friendships change as the years go by. Haha, I found a lot of gems in the Files, too. Like, when Mark started calling me Yilan, and a lot of conversations about New Person, and some nice conversations with Ridts, and some hilarious conversations Jayne and I had that just show that we never really change, and stuff like that. Actually, it's kind of interesting following like...the conversations Mark and I had as we became better and better friends. It's weird to me now, but I really...told him a lot of stuff that I'd never told anyone else. And you can tell by my tone that I was like...really surprised myself to be so honest about random things, but kinda relieved and glad that I finally trusted someone enough to tell all those things to. Sometimes, I forget how honest he made me! It's interesting to think about how my friends have changed me. Like how Mark's made me more honest, Kelly's made me more fair, Diana's made me more rational, Jayne's made me less afraid to oppose/disappoint people, Mag's made me more optimistic... Wow. That's really neat. I love them so much. I would be so much less of a person without them.

OMG, I was telling Dale and Kelly about Stephanie and all the drama with Tom and how she called me a bitch and then lied to him about me lying to him and how she cheated on her boyfriend with Tom, who was freaking psycho about her, and all that shit, and you know what Dale said? "Wow, this girl sounds like a slut." HAHA, it was awesome. Dale is great.

Also, this makes me want to cry, a little:

(before the first day of sophomore year)
Kristine: are you buying lunch?
Elaine: umm
Kristine: ehh i think i have to buy lunch
Elaine: nope
Elaine: ah
Kristine: mmmm
Kristine: yay amphitheater!
Kristine: <3!!!
Kristine: we really need to find a new place
Kristine: haha
Elaine:: <3!!!
Elaine: hahahaha
Kristine: its hard sittting while EVERYONE tis watching
Kristine: JFKFDJ!
Kristine: but i like it
Kristine: SHADE!

If it was really Jayne and my relationship that alienated her, then I'm forever sorry that things turned out that way. If it was just a gradual diminishing of interest, then I'm sorry, too. Friendship is a funny thing. Jayne's not the only person who's lost friends. Reading all these conversations that I had with Ridts is kind of depressing. We're probably never going to talk again.... And I used to think of her as one of my best friends. I wonder if she ever thinks about me at all. I don't really know what to feel about her. I'm kind of angry at her, but I... I dunno. The fact that she was so mean about Jayne, how she so insensitively blurted out that I went out with a chick to my mom...and what she said to Diana about "not tolerating homosexuals anymore" is more than a little heartbreaking. I mean, from Erin, from Mag, even from Kelly, it's... it's hard enough. But Ridts... She used to be my GLBT rights ally. I used to think of her as that, anyway. She even signed up for GSA with me when we first got to high school. She'd always ask about lesbians and she was so... I don't know. It was so nice. She totally got my OMG, homophobes suck thing. And the fact that she changed so much... It breaks my heart. Diana says maybe she was all like, OMG, I love gays, because it was morally the right thing to do. I can see that, I guess. I wonder what it really was that made her change her mind.

It's late (430, heh); I need to read my bedtime fanfiction now. More tomorrow!

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mood: relatively excited
music: Measure of a Man - Clay Aiken

is that how you measure a man?
he never gives up, lets go of his dreams
is that how you know?
is that what it means?

would he walk on water?
would he run through fire?
would he stand before you?
would he give his life up, to be all he can?

Clay Aiken is so underestimated. His lyrics are quite lovely, and I think everyone who ridicules Measure of a Man needs to give it a listen. I really like what it says. Note to self: must get Invisible, even though it's kinda freaky and stalkery. (Though I suppose that's my kinda thing!) Jayne said that she and her friends created a Clay Aiken Fanclub in middle school, hahaha! Awesome.

Mother said she talked to Father about how the signs in this city all say, "Live. Work. Play," and how he only lives and works, but never plays. He told her that he can only do so much. If only he would tell his boss that. He seriously spends his entire life working. Even when he's home on the weekends, he's either working or sleeping. Well, except for the late night television with Mother, which I find really cute. I dunno if that's weird, thinking that your parents watching TV together is cute, but Mother is always so... She always seems so much happier because of that little time they get to spend alone, together. Even though she always complains that Father just falls asleep in the middle of conversations or makes her stay up until four in the morning. Sometimes, I wonder if Father is happy. I know Mother isn't very. I...feel very mean, all of a sudden. All this time, for Lent, I've been wishing for the happiness of certain friends, but I haven't spared a single one for my parents, who definitely deserve it.... I won't exclude them from now on.

Wasn't exactly a great school week. That terrible Bio test? Yeah, I gota freaking 76%. 57 on scantron and 15/25 on the essay. I don't think I've ever gotten more than one point off for the essay. I am very disappointed in myself. : I had a nice 91.5 before, but with the embarassingly terrible quizzes from last unit and that terrible test, I probably have something like a solid B. Ew. I'm supposed to be doing really well in that class, too. And this is the last unit, with the final following right after. I'm terrified that I'm going to end up with a B. A B in math I can deal with, since I expect it. A B in AP Bio? Oh, man, I would be devastated. So I'm studying a lot harder for the quizzes and am going to freaking ace the test and final if it kills me. It's kinda cool, though, 'cause this unit is like...a group unit. Like, we're in groups for the quizzes and test. Luckily, I got put in a group with Mark and Yassi, who are smart and agreeable. And I feel like I'm contributing, too, which is nice. At first, I was kind of terrified of disappointing Mark since he's really counting on these quizzes to up his grade, but we got 10/10 on our first quiz, which is encouraging. Hopefully we'll do just as well on the other stuff. I cannot get a B! I don't think I would ever forgive myself. I really don't understand how or why I did so badly on the last unit!

Math has been a real struggle as well. This last chapter was really hard for me. I'd feel so discouraged and moody every day during fourth period, just because I didn't fucking get the lessons. When we took the quiz, I seriously felt completely clueless. Got a 11/15, which is sadly better than I'd expected. The test wasn't exactly easy for me, either. It was just... I felt so clueless and lost and behind. And I feel bad because I didn't turn in the Linear Programming Project (I did try to finish it, though....) and Mindy gave me credit. I don't know when I became so honest. I remarked to Jayne the other day about the irony of my feelings--I've become much more honest and good than I ever was before, but to the extend that I feel guilty and kind of...tainted and dirty for being so. It's kind of odd. Disconcerting. Oh, well, I suppose. I really hope that this chapter will be much easier. I...I don't know if I will ever be able to even attain an A in that class, but despite how often I've felt like it, I will not give up! I want that A really badly, to show myself and everyone around me that I'm not stupid, and that I can do really well if I truly apply myself. And, well. An A is so much prettier than a B! [/ditzy]

I've been watching Ranma like crazy, and it's really awesome. I really like how it's just...really light-hearted, and it's all for the sake of humor. I'm so used to anime that's like...OMG-save-the-world!drama. Cute stuff like this is kinda nice. And I laugh at random things, which is always fun. And besides, I'm crazy about Ranma/Akane. Their awkward, I-totally-like-you-but-I'm-going-to-pretend-I-don't moments are so freaking adorable. There's this one episode in which Akane plays Juliet and Ranma Romeo in a play competition, and Ranma has to kiss her in order to win the prize (a trip to China, for Jusenkyo), and he's really hesitant/nervous. She says softly, "Do you hate me that much?" and he says, "It wouldn't be so difficult if I hated you," or something really cute along those lines. Eeee! And, well. Ranma is really hot sometimes. :D

Anyway, I went on a field trip to a Hindu monastery for Comp Religions on Tuesday. I had to miss Bio, which sucks. It's my favorite class, since I get to talk to Kelly, Mark, and Jayne, and I dunno, I always feel pretty peppy and talkative and cheerful in the morning, so I always seem to have fun. And, well, Mr. Jacobs is hot, and I used to like feeling triumphant about my awesome quiz scores. Except not anymore, not after this last unit was such a dud. So I sat w/ Amanda on the bus and we made idle conversation and looked at the scenery and stuff. There may have been an abundance of silence, but it was the comfortable kind of silence. It was nice. Kristine hung out with us, too, which was nice. First, we went to the lecture hall and listened to a monk tell us about Hinduism and life at the monastery and stuff. It was semi-interesting, but semi-not-so-interesting as well. I dozed off for like, five minutes? I felt really bad. But it was interesting to hear about what life was like there. It's amazing how different a religious life and a non-religious life are. Mr. Antenore said he was kind of dull, though, and that he wished that we'd gotten the one guy that is really inspiring. Oh, well.

After listening to the monk, we went to the meditation room to, well, meditate. The room was dome-shaped, and made so like... I dunno, it was so awesome. All sounds were magnified like crazy and like, projected to the other side of the room. I could hear people breathing and talking behind me, even though I was sitting against the wall. It was really cool. And meditating was actually really relaxing. I felt very...at peace. It was nice. After that, we went on our hike of the shrine trail, on which there was a monument to each major religion of the world. The shrines were really cool, but the hiking not so much. It was kinda scary a lot of times. There was this one point during which we had to walk this really narrow path right next to a really deep ravine, and Mr. Antenore was like, "Please don't fall down there." OMG, I was so freaked out that I'd fall down there and not be able to be rescued. Eep! And then at the end, we had to climb this crazy hillside to get to the shrine to Hinduism. Damn, what a workout. Here are some pictures:


This was at the front of the meditation room.


Islam.


Buddhism.


Judaism.


Christianity.


Hinduism.


Native American...ism.

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mood: not bad
music: Sunday Morning - Maroon 5

I'm rediscovering Maroon 5! I really did like them a lot back when they were mainstream, but their songs were just so overplayed on the radio that they were just plain annoying to listen to, despite their great quality. Their lyrics are pretty good, and the style is a pretty cool Alt Rock kinda sound. I love this line of She Will Be Loved: "It's not always rainbows and butterflies / It's compromise that moves us along". That's such a great line to sum up all relationships. Also, Jayne got Eminem's Lose Yourself for me. Man, I freaking adored that song when it first came out, and I still do. I've wanted it since forever. I used to just really like the tone of the rap, but now that I actually pay attention to lyrics, I realize how fantastic his opening words are: "Look, if you had one shot--one opportunity / This is everything you ever wanted / One moment--would you capture it? / Or just let it slip?" I know it's like, that thing that everyone knows, and it probably means nothing to most people, but it's like... Wow, what wise words. (Alliteration!) It really reminds me of myself and how my indecision and pessimism always leads to regret for the things I didn't do, the words I chose not to say.

So we were hanging out in Kelly's garage on Saturday and I had put O-Town's All or Nothing on. Listening to the chorus, "Is this how it ends? / With a simple telephone call / You leave me here / With nothing at all," Kelly mused, "That's so sad! Does that actually really happen?" And then was like, "Oh yeah, isn't that what Mytchel did to Maggie? But it wasn't on the phone, right?" And I laughed and said, "Yeah, e-mail," and Kelly was like, "Wow, who does that?!" and I was like, "Ehehe... Hi." And she was confused, "You did that?" and Jayne snorted and was like, "Yeah, she broke up with me over AIM. She didn't even have the decency to tell me in person," and I was like, defensively, "Well, you were kinda far away! And it would've been stupid to wait," and Kelly was just like, "Stop it; I don't want to talk about it anymore! This makes me too sad," and so we stopped.

Yeah, so I am a fucking bitch. Why did I have to save face in front of Kelly and tell her that things just "didn't work out" and that Jayne was "kinda blagh over it, but she's going to be fine"? Well, it wasn't like I lied, at least. I really did believe that she was going to get over it. I just can't shake the feeling that maybe Jayne's right in that she might have healed more easily had someone been on her side, sympathizing with her. And yeah, Kelly may be rational, but she's also not afraid to call a friend mean and is, well, very kindhearted and tries hard to empathize with all sides. Though, I don't know how comfortable Jayne would have felt talking to Kelly about that back then.... Well, I dunno, I always remember we were once out to lunch at Culver Plaza when Kelly asked me to call Jayne so she could talk to her (before the breakup) since she hadn't had a chance to all summer, and they just like, talked about what was up and stuff.

I think she is getting better, but that she still needs to like...I dunno, talk to someone. She's been talking to Jennifer a lot lately; I hope they can become really close. I think talking to people about feelings makes the feelings seem very superficial and worries very trivial, which may be what she needs right now. I think like...keeping feelings/thoughts inside just lets them fester and lets things get stronger and worse. She has been acting way less attached in the obsessed kind of way, though I notice she still seeks contact. I always pull away when it's really obvious. I know it's so fucking hypocritical because I'm always searching for contact as well, but I want to be sure that I am not sending the wrong signals. She's mentioned wanting to "talk" several times, and that it's difficult for her because I am so easily made uncomfortable when she brings certain things about the past up. But if talking will help her and heal her, I am more than willing to clench my teeth and bear the sour thought of annoyances long forgotten. I want her to be happy--but just not at the cost of my happiness.

Anyway. Sunday afternoon, Jayne needed to escape from her family so she biked over. Jess was having a birthday party, anyway, so it was cool. We played DDR and watched Ranma and ate and just hung out. At 530, Mother gave us a ride to CVS, where we ran in, bought posterboard, and ran out within two minutes, and then dropped us off at Kelly's. With Kelly, Mag, and Erin, we worked on campaign posters for Mag and Jayne, who are running for Senior Class Council (Mag for Secretary/Treasurer and Jayne for VP). It was fun thinking up ideas for them. I'm really proud of coming up with Jayne's "All Your Vote Are Belong to Jayne" tagline and the idea of a YouTube poster (which Erin created to a freaking perfection). w00t. It was pretty fun. I really like doing arts & crafts activities, but since we're teenagers, we now go see movies and go out to eat and shop and stuff instead of like, doing fun art projects and stuff. We should do them more often. It's a nice change. And Wendy ordered Stonefire Grill for us, including this delicious pasta that I couldn't get enough of! And then Sara served us some really good chocolate cake w/ ice cream. OMG, I love chocolate ice cream w/ vanilla ice cream and chocolate cake w/ strawberries--I wonder if they'd taste even better together?

More later! But first, here are some pics:









Oh yeah, I'm so sad: at Kelly's, I was getting up excitedly to play something on the keyboard, and the necklace that I was wearing--the one that I wore to Winter Formal and that I really like--freaking caught on the knob of the pinball machine, and I accidentally yanked it, and it just...broke. It's not fixable, either. I wonder if AnchorBlue is still selling it.... Though it wouldn't be the same, I'd still have a nice necklace, I guess... It's so annoying; I always somehow manage to break all of my favorite jewelry. Seriously, there have been at least four incidents when that has happened. And this time, it wasn't even like I'd worn it a million times, either! I've only worn it three times! For five minutes after "the accident," I was in tears and whining about being a total klutz. Mlagh!

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mood: smiley
music: Vertigo - U2

I'm so not an oldies person (The oldest stuff I usually like is like... the late 90s/early 2000s pop. I'm so loserish, but it's awesome ), but I love this song!

My Internet is dying slowly. My own freaking site won't load on my own freakign computer! But it's fine at school... Gah. I'd thought the pictures I'd uploaded were just flooding the server or something, but even after I started to use Photobucket again, it was yucky. Sigh. Father's right; we need to get a new provider or something. I dunno, though. Everyone else's Cox seems to be working well. HAHA. Everyone's cox. ...Anyway. It's frustrating. But I really am thankful that at least it works... I seriously die everytime it seems like I can't fix it and that I will have to live w/o Internet.

Festival was okay. I was in the program this time, yay. I'd squealed about Michael and dressed up nicely and all, but I hadn't really expected anything to happen. Imagined, sure. Expected, no. But, well... Michael was there. And I waved at him. OMFG. It was like... I saw Victor in the room we were unpacking in, and I was like, "Victor!" and it was really losery to do so, but I wasn't really thinking clearly. Sometimes I forget how unpopular I was in middle school; it's really bad. Anyway, Michael looked over at that, in the midst of smiling his fucking adorable smile, and I was like, OMFG [dies]. And in my shock, I waved and grinned stupidly. It was totally dorky and I knelt down and was blushing up a storm immediately afterwards. Though his look was pretty blank/emotionless, I later realized that from his point of view, I must be really lame. Sigh. I forget, sometimes, that I really was his freaky stalker. I dunno. Love does funny things to you.

He looked exactly the same. I think he has braces, even. He looked like he'd walked straight out of my memories. Once upon a time, my journals were completely filled with him. I've grown up; I've grown distant. (But the picture of us is still on my desk.) While watching his orchestra play, I wondered at how funny it is that someone can change your life completely, and yet, you can still mean absolutely nothing to him. I can't believe it's been three years...

Later that night, I thought, "Today's theme is futility." All those years I spent madly in love with him, and my efforts were completely futile. I probably nearly equate Seraphina in his book. And that's... That's a little heartbreaking. I would have given him the world, and yet, I meant nothing to him. I wonder if he was too afraid of me for his ego to even be boosted by my mad crush on him. I dunno.

Unfortunately, I didn't play all that well, and Mr. V said we only did an average job. And then Jayne got mad at me 'cause I kept flip-flopping on her. At first, I'd wanted to stay until the end of the concert, but then Kelly was leaving, as were the Michels, and Northwood was playing the same music as Irvine (but lengthier?), and all this stuff. I...I really have this fear of missing out on stuff. I'm trying really hard to get over it, because it's really annoying being annoyed at being left out. I don't want to be like that. Anyway, it got me all fucked up and I spur-of-the-moment decided that I didn't feel like staying. Jayne went along with it "because I was her ride", but then did her like...after-the-moment anger thing, which pissed me off. It really bothers me when she does like... She goes along with something I say, and then later guilt trips me about it. Or I dunno, maybe it's not consciously guilt tripping me, but it's kinda like complaining about it in a way that makes me feel guilty. (Though that is a little of my guilt complex mixed in there and making things worse.)

But you know what? I was pondering about it later that night, and I realized... I think that I'm like that sometimes. Sigh. I hate finding out all my hypocritic characteristics. I really need to correct them. Anyway. So despite seeing Michael, I wasn't having a great night. It wasn't just Jayne, though. I was kind of disappointed that we'd split up into two groups; the bandos and then Jayne, Kelly, Mag, and me. Oh, well, I guess. Can't be helped. Oh, hrm... It kind of happened during the musical, too.... Oh, well. It happens.

Friday... I don't remember. Oh, yeah. Friday wasn't that fun, either. Kelly made a comment about it being sad that everyone hated David Chang, and it put me in a really bad mood. I guess it's just my inferiority complex kicking in. She is such a "good" person sometimes. Like, so righteous but so good. I'm hardly evil, but I'm only a good friend. And after Festival night, I realized that I was hardly even that. I didn't really care that Jayne wanted to stay and watch the remaining two orchestras--I just wanted to leave and hang out with everyone. So when it comes down to it, I'm really just...conceited and insecure, I guess.

I wouldn't say that I'm jealous of Kelly--sometimes too much goodness is not a good thing in this world of such terrible things and terrible people. It leaves people naive and vulnerable. But cynics are too skeptical, too hateful. Where is the happy medium? I keep trying so hard to find it. Once, Mark was talking about some religion and I think he wanted me to be entertained by their views, and I was just kinda like, "Wow," with very raised eyebrows, and it would have been so easy to ridicule it, but I... I was trying so hard to be a good person, and you know, be respectful of religion--all religions. But I felt so...fake. Because that wasn't how I really felt at all. To this day, the way that conversation went still bugs me. I dunno. I think that to me... I mean, I don't think that I should actually be as good of a person as Kelly. I don't truly believe in my heart that the people of this world deserve it. The trying-to-understand people who think and do bad things is good. The sympathizing with them? Not so much. I dunno. I'm not really certain about my philosophy in this matter.

Anyway, I was all pissy and tired, and Jayne got mad at me for turning down Kelly's offer to hang out at her house. I got annoyed at her for not going and then blaming me for it. I was really in a bad mood, but I got home and watched Ranma, which helped lighten things up. Talking to Beth and Jason made me feel better, too. Jason was in a bad mood, and yelled, "No!" at the Wendy's drive-thru person. It was funny. We high-fived for being in pissy moods. Yay.

Saturday afternoon, Kelly woke me up and asked me to an Angels' game with her family, Mag, and Jayne. Tailgating was fun. We talked about colleges and SATs and careers and crushes and food and random stuff. It was pretty fun. Dale made me a grilled cheese sandwich--with Provolone cheese and a hot dog bun, hahaha. It was awesome. Jayne devoured Wendy's potato salad, which sounds kind of dirty now. Hrm. And then we ate this really tasty chocolate cake that one of Dale's friends bought, and put strawberies on top of it. OMG, IT WAS SO YUMMY! Anyway, then we went to the game and the seats were pretty good, which was cool. It was my first game; I'd never been invited before. It was pretty awesome. They had fun looking through my camera and then rummaging through my purse. Mag kept trying to get us to explain to her how tampons worked...which was super awkward 'cause it was a freaking baseball game! And well, I'm rather uncomfortable with topics like that... Ahem. It was funny, though. Also, Dale gave us money to get DIPPIN' DOTS! Well, they weren't the same brand, but OMG SO GOOD. I love those things so freaking much. Wow, I like desserts. I never realized that before. Cool. Anyway, I engulfed a whole cup, and then ate half of Jayne's. I'm a pig, and it's awesome. Yay!

After the game, Mag had to go home to practice, but Jayne and I went to Kelly's and we hung out in her garage. We played pinball and messed around with the drumset and I had fun showing them my music on their really sexy iPod speakers and then playing random songs on the keyboard. We talked about music and it was pretty cool, since that's like...the one cultural thing I actually know even a little about. We were just chilling, which was pretty neat.

Anyway, Mark is rushing me, so I'll talk about the other stuff and today tomorrow. Haha, today tomorrow! Okay.

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