But I got the tears out, I vented like mad, I wrote down my feelings in about four different places, and I did that marvelous thing where I brainwash myself into believing in a total lie. I'm happy. Happier than I've ever been. So she deserves her happiness, too. And if that comes from a source other than me, then, well... Who am I to object? It's the ends, not the means, that matter, right? And her happiness is all that matters, in the end. Yeah.
Oh man, she fucks me up so badly. She was like, "I'm sorry I make you so fucked up...." and I assured her that it's all right and that life's tough and I just have to learn to deal, but she still feels really guilty, I know. Yesterday, she came over, and during a quiet moment where she was lying down and I was sitting next to her and making gentle circles across her back, she said, "I'm sorry I can't love you like I love her" and it just...broke my heart. My eyes actually teared up for a moment before I whispered, "It's all right." And it's a lie. She knows. But it's okay. She told her friends from her old school that I'm her girlfriend and that I'm hot. :) That makes me happy beyond belief. (Today marks our three-week anniversary.) It sounds so strange to say, but I... I'm happy. Me, Elaine, happy. Goddamn, girl, you are amazing. ♥ She breaks my heart. And I won't--can't--even do anything to stop her.
Thursday was our one-month anniversary. We went to Ruby's for dinner with some friends and held hands between the aisles in the bookstore. It was lovely and fun. Can you believe that, though? It's been a whole freaking month. I've been happy for a month. Happier than I'd ever imagined being. Unfortunately, she's grounded, so I won't be able to see her outside of school, for a while, but I guess we'll just have to deal. She's worth it, anyway. (She's more than worth it.)
Volunteered at my school's Invitational Jazz Festival today. FOR TEN HOURS. And I'm not even related to Jazz at all! Hooray for helping (and receiving hours for National Honor Society. ...Heh.) Judge-running wasn't as scary as it sounded! Hooray for practicing my speaking skills by directing about five million people to the restrooms. The judges were nice as well, which was comforting. Yay. Worked with Kelly for three hours in the morning, then five hours with Jayne in the afternoon. Then Jayne, Erin, Gilda, Kelli, and I cleaned everything up. I usually hate cleaning things up, but it was kind of fun. (Probably 'cause I'm really weak so I just stood to the side and made dumb jokes and served as entertainment, haha.) After everything was put away and organized to the extreme (I am super anal retentive!), Beth (Erin's mom) and Mr. Michel (Erin's dad) took us (Erin, Jayne, Mark, Kelli, and me) to Denny's for a late (or early, in my case!) dinner. Mashed potatoes, yum. It was a fun day. And what makes it even better? I had ten hours when I woke up this morning, but I'm going to go to sleep with TWENTY. That means I only have five to go! Hooray!!!
The only other thing that's been bugging me is the issue of friends drifting. Kristine and Mark, mostly. Kristine hangs out with her coolkid!friends a lot more, now. I miss gushing about cute boys and crushes and stuff. At least I'm going to go see V for Vendetta again with her tomorrow, although Diana and Jayne will also be there. Hopefully, it'll be like old times. I miss that. I miss a lot of things, like being silly with Erin when she gave me rides home three days a week, and being in almost every class with Mag and fooling around in Spanish and Euro, and staying up all night with Mark doing Freed homework and telling "stories", and doing the whole OT3 (hahh) shebang with Jayne and him, and late nights out with Kristine, Diana, and Jayne. I hate change. :( But I guess it really is a good thing sometimes. If things hadn't changed, I would still be lonely and angsty right now. I can't thank the world enough for that. ♥
It's been a month and fifteen days, and I still can't keep my thoughts off of her. Things are still as intense as ever, and I never tire of seeing her smile, and the feelings only get stronger. When this began, it was supposed to be purely physical. Well, mostly, anyway. But now... Oh god, how things have changed. (And how I love it. How I adore her.) She still loves Her, I know (to what extent I am clueless, though, because she never brings Her Girl up anymore... Probably out of consideration because she knows I'm jealous, I guess), and honestly, I don't care so much anymore. Like, not even jealous. The things she confesses to me, the things she does, the way she takes my hand voluntarily, the way she smiles when I kiss her on the cheek... Oh gosh. kajfljdadkfjl;dk She told me she thinks she's in love with me. The leap of my heart when I saw that Instant Message... Indescribable. I hope I don't let her down. She's so wonderful. She's the best girlfriend I could ever ask for, and I'm so afraid she's going to leave me when she realizes that I'm not attractive, that I'm too fucked up to deal with, and that I'm not worth the trouble. When she compliments me, I feel on top of the world. Sometimes I hate her because she makes me feel like I'm special, when really I don't matter the least. I hope I never let her down.
Brokeback Mountain, a.k.a. the most heartbreaking film in the entire world, comes out on DVD in three days. I am so excited! Hello, gorgeous plotline! Hello, knife-in-heart! Hello, half-hour of bawling! Yay! :)
P.S. I know I've been neglecting my blog a lot. I've also been neglecting my LJ a lot, and my written journal hasn't had a single word written in it for weeks. I think I'm getting better at avoiding concealing my feelings. I guess it's a good thing. Just strange.
We met at the railroad tracks between our houses and walked around aimlessly for a while. The path was deserted but for us, the sky was blanketed in grey clouds, and only the spreads of grassy fields were witness to our clasped hands. It was like something out of a goddamned storybook. But so much lovelier.
She told me something today. She said, "I love you more than her, you know," and I swear my heart broke. I actually started crying when she said it. I was in love with Michael. I was crazy for The Girl. But god, nothing compares to this. Nothing compares to love for someone who loves you back. And I thought, "I've never loved anyone this much," and I sobbed into her shoulder. She held me and wiped away the tears. Why does she always do the right things at the right times? I don't deserve her, I don't deserve her. I think what she said... I think that it was the best gift she could have ever given me. Because more than anything, I just wanted... Well. I just... I didn't think that she would ever say that to me.
I walked home with a smile on my face. I almost hoped to be run over at the intersections, just to die happy, content, and feeling so, so special and lucky. But then I thought of what she said when I wondered aloud about being run over, that she'd scream and cry and run over and get hit by a car as well, so that we could die together, and I just... God, how does she always say the right things? The sappiest, tackiest things melt me instantly when they come from her mouth. She's amazing. I could spend hours preaching about how perfect she is, and it would still be barely touching the tip of the iceberg. I love her so much. So fucking much. I hope she knows. I hope she knows that I never thought that I would ever be this happy. I hope she knows that she makes me feel like the happiest, luckiest girl in the entire universe. I hope she understands that I am so, so afraid of losing her, and that when I hug her, I never want to let go.
Screw school. Screw grades. With success does not always come happiness. And real happiness is so rare in our world today that I just... I'm going to do the right thing and embrace it while I can. Because sometimes, love like this only comes once in a lifetime. And I can only hope that it will last a lifetime. ♥
P.S. Ironically, I'm super giddy about having done fantastically well on my AP Euro test that I'd believed I'd totally bombed. I even got full points on the essay, which I've never been able to achieve in the past. Today was a good day. :)
P.P.S. I'm going to fail my Chemistry test tomorrow.
We promised each other forever last night. That mere act is so completely against my principles (to never make promises to people, because I most likely will not be able to keep them), but I... I want to spend forever with her. And I say that with all my heart. (We talked about adopting a child today. I don't know if I really want to raise a kid, but the thought of doing it with her makes me glow with happiness.) The tiny sliver of a rational side of me questions, can we really make it? Maybe. Maybe not. But to be honest? I feel such an incredible connection with her... And whether this is the kind of connection between friends, or best friends, or teenagers infatuated with each other, or friends-with-benefits, or lovers sans commitment, or amorous newlyweds, or married couples, or old married couples... Well. She makes me believe in soul mates.
Anyway. It's spring break and I have nothing scheduled for the week but doing some spring cleaning, writing posts, talking to her on the phone when I can, and eating a billion meals a day. Hopefully I'll get a haircut sometime, because I really need it. My ends are gross. I want side-sweep bangs but I'm afraid that I'll look terrible in them. I want to go shopping, too, for new jeans and new makeup, but my money supply isn't as up to par as I'd like it to be. I spend way too much when I go out with friends. Mrgh.
Just had a long conversation with Di on the phone. It was great. Everytime I talk to her though, I wonder at how I reveal different sides to different people. People always accuse me of being fake when I tell them that, but I dunno, they just don't understand that it's not fake per se, it's just...not always revealing all of myself. It's like... With Diana, I'm a bitch, and I insult everyone in the world, and I'm just pretty damn mean in general; but you see, I feel comfortable doing that with her, because it's those times when we really bond, and well, she's a huge bitch herself, so I don't feel bad. And I trust her to not tell anyone. With Jayne, I'm silly and emotional but honest about my feelings? Kind of the same with Mark, but I'm more like Good Faithful Friend to him. With Mag and Erin I'm a dumb and ditzy, and like...eccentric but in a more toned down sort of way? With Mag I'm kinda more emotional, and with Erin I'm kind of more just pervy, but in a way that makes her laugh. With Kelly I'm a studious but forgetful worriwart who giggles a lot, and with Amanda I'm dumb and ditzy and girly and a total gossip-mongrel. It's kinda messed up, I guess. Well. I think after laying all that out, I can see why people call it fake. Because I'm whoever my friends like the best, have the most fun with, huh. But I don't feel empty or unloved or taken advantage of or anything. It keeps them all happy. And I'm happy. So everyone's happy. And happiness is what really matters in the end.
I can't stand red gummy bears. I've taken on the habit of picking them out of the package. I wish she were here to eat them.
P.S. There has been talk of her mother sending her back to live with her dad, on the completely opposite side of the state, hundreds of miles away. I've been praying for her to be allowed to stay here. I don't believe in God, but I believe in miracles and the power of wishes. Please don't let them let me down.
Kelly and I volunteered at Sage Hill today, and helped out at the multicultural fair thing there. It was pretty cool, especially since we got National Honor Society hours for it. I'm done with my 25 hours once and for all! Hooray! That's one accomplishment to be proud of, at least! :) Now to study for the AP European History exam. Shiiiiit. Blargh. The test is in...two weeks from yesterday. Ohmygod, that's only fourteen days, holy shit. Dear god, I hope I do well. Mrgh. I hate stress. I don't want to go back to school. But I do want to see everyone. dkjaf;lkdj; Ironically, to avoid studying for Euro, I'm actually DOING my Chinese homework and studying for my midterm. I had a nightmare about it. In the dream Mother told me that my GPA (a 3.94 something or other) was terrible and a shame to the family and that she hadn't drilled me when I was younger for nothing. I woke up sobbing. Asian parenting trauma, hrm.
Shame that Mag had her competition today, because I wanted to go out with her! And Kristine too, damn it. Stupid too-short spring break. (And yet too long at the same time! Mrgh.) We need to go to the Spectrum. Like, seriously. It's been aaaaaages.
All that I've accomplished this break is like... Studying the TINIEST amount of Euro, a few LJ/blog posts, reorganizing some of my bookmarks, beating a few chapters of FIREEMBLEMMYLOVEEEE, watching two movies (Brokeback Mountain ♥ [I cried again :)] and Memoirs of a Geisha), buying some new clothes + makeup (argh, $$ = gone), and cleaning my room. Blah, I need to do the laundry. I've been neglecting it for forever. I need to write her a letter, too. I want to get her a gift but she won't let me. What do you want, lovely! Grr. (OMG TWO MONTHS :D)
(She mentioned getting married. OHMYGOD ♥. I love her so much. I wish I could show her off to the world. How did I get to be so fucking lucky?? I thank the stars above for gifting me with her love. She's utterly incredible and breathtaking.)
Oh, and Andrew Irvine was there. He said hi to us and introduced us to his random friend. Awkward. Extremely amused. What a shame that Di wasn't there.