mood: at peace
music: Problem Girl - Rob Thomas

but where you're going now -- you don't know

He chose the best day ever to break my heart. Twice.

Things feel resolved, in a way. Well, except for two, anyway.

I helped Mother do her crazy orders at the Bakery and spent time with Jessica yesterday. I've made so many green tea pastries that looking at that shade of green makes my eyes hurt. And I sealed an infinite amount of pastries/cookies. Although watching my mom use that new spray tool they have for the kids' cakes was pretty neat. I want that Cars cake.

Mark and I briefly talked some things over, especially about the dilemma I had early this year about Winter Formal/other things involving him, and things seem to be better in that department as well. It always bothered me that we just kind of shoved it into a drawer and locked the issue away. I suppose discussing things really does make a difference.

Kelly IMed me this morning (er, two in the afternoon, HAHA) and we had an entire conversation in Spanish. It was pretty awesome.

Last night Jessica and I wanted to go play tennis (I need to practice SO bad; my partner and I were last place in the tournament, all because of me, hahah) even though it was eleven-thirty. Oh, because Mother took me to Yen for sushi as a thank-you for my help! I was ecstatic. The sashimi was so delicious! Man, I love that place. Anyway, we went to the courts by Kristine's complex (which were REALLY nice), except there was just one little problem: we couldn't figure out how to turn the lights on! Then we drove to Heritage but it was too dark and Mother's really paranoid about muggers/rapists/etc. So we went home. Hopefully we can go tonight, because I really need practice!

I'm looking forward to Homecoming! Dancing with friends is always so delightfully fun. I need to get that ASB card. I hope they'll let me get one. I mean, I doubt they're going to refuse $40.

Oh man, I need to finish Cannery Row and practice violin.

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mood: content
music: Back 2 Good - Matchbox Twenty

The week's almost over, yay! Got lots of results back today. Got an A on the Bio test, though I felt disappointed for some reason. Dumb inflated ego wanted to be a curvesetter. But it's good to take a fall once in a while, especially since this next unit sounds terrifyingly difficult! Well, I felt that odd disappointment until I realized that I have an A in the class! Now that's something to be happy about. So yay.

I got principal second in Orchestra! So I'm in the front row, and I lead the Second Violins! Not being a First Violin is a bummer, but being a section leader is wow! I ranked fifth in the Orch, which isn't that embarassing. I think our Concertmaster has a crush on my tennis partner. Mark kept wanting me to get Concertmaster, though I think I would die (of both sheer terror and ego inflation, hahaha), but I'm really glad I didn't because the first stand has to play this solo for one of our songs. I'm happy with the seat because I get to all learn to lead people and shit (and work on my terrible bowing/sight reading, agh!), but more because I get to put it on my brag sheet.

Corrected our Spanish tests, but I'm not so happy with how I did. Everyone around me was whining about their scores as well, so I hope that I'm not alone, but still. Gah.

My history grade went down! ...From a 97.7 to a 97.1, hahaha. So it's okay.

P.S. In Spanish today, I wrote a poem about Michael. In Spanish! We were practicing metaphors. I put that he is my sun and shooting star. ♥









w00t.

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Personality tests are always fun, except that whenever they tell me to choose whether I am...I dunno, two polar opposites like "quiet" and "talkative", I never know what to choose. I'm very, very talkative around people I know well, but really quiet around acquaintances/strangers. So my results are always like...kinda funky.

Anyway, here's the cool analysis:

ISFZs are responsible, caring, reserved, and cooperative. As an ISFZ you have a modest style of helping others in orderly and practical ways. You believe it is important to follow rules and laws; similarly, you adhere to routine and prefer to see traditions preserved with little change. You are prone to worry about things beyond your control and may appear to be less confident because of your tendency to become stressed or agitated and not ask for help.

You like to be with a few close friends and family members and to offer personal support wherever and whenever needed. You are good at coordinating tasks and activities for everyone but may become overburdened by taking on other people's problems. Likewise, you don't ask for the recognition you would like to have. You are quietly loyal to family, friends, and groups and institutions that are important to you, and you hope others will be as loyal in return. You avoid interpersonal conflict at all costs.

As an ISFZ you are an organized and focused learner who is good at memorizing facts and details related to people. You reliably meet deadlines and obligations. You excel at coordinating and scheduling your own activities and keep yourself and your belongings neat and in good order. You prefer to work on projects and tasks that are useful in a practical way.

ISFZs are most often found in career fields where they can support the needs of people in an orderly and caring manner. As an ISFZ you will be most satisfied and productive when you're involved in work that is practical and free from excessive ambiguity and conflict. You are most interested in jobs that allow you to work quietly toward your goals one project at a time.

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mood: kind of pacified but not really
music: One More Chicken - Bruno Coon

So I'm composing this brag sheet for AP Lang (and for colleges, blah blah blah ), and I suppose it's not AS bad as I'd pictured. My awards section is embarassingly scanty (yeah, 'Laine, that's what makes you not as good as the Venadies--you should've accepted that when Kelly won three Heritage Awards), but at least I can fill up the extracurricular section with some stuff. Even if it's stuff that I've quit/finished. Regret quitting piano now. Anne (my teacher) was right: they only care about it if you did it throughout your entire high school career because that means that you juggled extracurricular stuff with your academics. Gah. Mag and Kelly are lucky for having spent all that money on going to summer programs that they can inflate on their sheets. Hooray for Link Crew!

I should probably join SSR, sigh. Then I can be all ditch-y with Kelly while Diana whines about not going to the meetings, hahah. Hmm, doing that Benefit Concert program with Mark sounds more and more appealing by the minute.

Now off to talk about all this SAT shit with Diana. This college stuff is so depressing. Better be fucking worth it. I have a mind to just forget all of this and just sit back and enjoy what are supposedly the best years of my life. But no, the perfectionist insists! God, I hope with all of my heart that I'm happy with wherever I decide to go.

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mood: kinda tired
music: Ocean Avenue - Yellowcard

Today was a relatively good day! I got full points on my Bio lab (thank god, since I struggled with it for like four hours!) and Janine liked my writing! Admired Erin's 100-eggs-picture at break (ovaries!) and smiled for a picture she took with her cell. Practiced the whole period for Orchestra. The other Orchestras all already have their seating; I want mine! I'm really scared, though. At least I know who's gonna be concertmaster--he's pretty good. Show-offy, but good. Grr. I really hope that I get a seat that's not too embarassing, or else I'll be complaining about it the entire semester. Argh.

Finished Il Postino in Spanish and only teared a bit. It was so slashy towards the end! Uber cute but tragic. I want to learn Italian in college. And French! Eee. Luigi and Guido! Que se cosi? Then in U.S. History we took an easy quiz and then Erin and I joined Kristine in the back of the classroom to do homework and listen to music. (Or in Erin's case, draw a picture of a tiger.) Listening to SexyBack while the rest of the class is watching a boring history video is great. Now I get why Kristine and Jayne constantly have their headphones on! Although I still think it's kind of rude. Oh well, teenagers will be teenagers, I suppose.

Ryan said hi to me as we crossed paths in the band room today! Ohhhh, how I smiled for the entire period! Then, after lunch, Ray passed Erin, Kelly, and me and our eyes met and we smiled at each other! And there were many, many sightings of Jake today! Squee.

Spent last night frustrated at Mark because he wouldn't help me on my Bio lab, which I was REALLY struggling with. Frustrated because I'd given him study guides and stuff before, and when I asked him for help, he said no. In TA, when Mag asked him for help on AP Music Theory stuff, he refused as well. God, some people... Then he complained about how little awards he had for his brag sheet that we have to do for AP Lang--and then said that he only had eight. I couldn't stand it; I was already fucking pissed, so I yelled at him. "And one of them is principal's honor roll?" Whatever. That's the ONLY fucking award I have. Sometimes he complains about things that are so VENADIE, and all I can think is, "Wrong crowd, much?!" Gosh. Talk about making somebody feel terrible about themselves. I'm shelving it away (wow, Jayne is right: when I feel angry or frustrated, I just file the thoughts in a drawer in my mind and eventually forget about it until the topic is brought up again), so it's not a big deal anymore, but yeah.

On Saturday, I had salmon sashimi TWICE ($$$$ but so delicious), a Double Chocolate Chip Frappuccino, crepes (!!!!!!), and Jamba Juice. I also got two new shirts (blue!) and a new black skirt. I saw a shirt at Aeropostale that I liked but I convinced myself not to spend the money. Hooray for attempting to be frugal? Although I like the food there WAY too much. Thank god there was no time for Golden Spoon. -_-

Diana called today and it made me happy! Haha no, I'm kidding; no hearts. I was just afraid that she was pulling that weird "if I don't talk to you I might get better grades". She's really stressing out about SATs and stuff. She's planning on doing Princeton Review, which I wanted to do originally but after looking at the price... I flailed, haha. We can afford a thousand bucks, but I mean... That's so much. Do I want to put my parents through that kind of... Gah! I don't really know. I guess I'll see. I bought a workbook; I really need to work on it and take all the practice tests. I'm so bad at the math parts.

I'm glad that Harwood extended the Steinbeck due date to Tuesday, so I have the weekend to read in case I don't have time the rest of this week. Hopefully, today I'll be able to finish studying for Spanish (plus a review worksheet) within an hour and I'll get a chance to do some Bio ahead-work and maybe do some practice test stuff.

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I love to take pictures with friends. Not because of my vanity, but because I love to look at them after the fact. Each picture holds a memory, however mundane. A picture can make me laugh at a long-forgotten inside joke; it can make me smile in fondness; it can bring me to tears.

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mood: sad
music: One Year, Six Months - Yellowcard

There is a certain magic about reading people's personal journals. I just found my sister's blog and my god, she says some of the saddest things. There's this one entry about Mother... This is part of it.

I feel bad for my mom. Okay, so it’s like an inside joke between my family with the..”So…how was your day today?” thing. Soo I ask my mom that every day a few times. It’s never: “Good”. “Great”. It’s always: “Bad.” “Tired”. “OK for now.” I feel like helping her, so I was thinking of making a mini-website or a catolog that describes cakes and stuff; but then I realised. My mom’s not craving for more money from the bakery-cafe. She’s just wishing to be less tired and not work as hard. If those things made the bakery-cafe have more business, it would get my mom even MORE tired; so I resisted against that. But how can I help her? Even if I help her with cake-making or helping when the cafe is busy, she’s still just as tired when we’re on the car ride home.

That brought me to tears. How can... How can a child who Mother is always nagging and yelling at care so much about her? What a heart Jessica has. Because the truth is... Never once have I pitied Mother so much that I want to help her. How terrible is that? Her prize child--caring so little for her happiness. I don't know if I've ever felt more ashamed in my life. When I was little, I stopped helping around the age of ten. I was just too lazy to do the work. But I mean, now that I'm sixteen, I should know better, right? I should act like an adult and help her. But I haven't. The worst part is, I haven't ever even thought about helping her. Even the days when she came home, exhausted, at midnight, I never gave her a hug, never offered her any comfort. I just told her to go to sleep.

You have no idea how much of a bitch I feel right now. And the thing is... It'd be easy to promise to myself that from now on, I would help her. But I hate breaking promises. So I'll just promise that I will try.

I wonder if it hurts Mother at all that I'm always going out while she's slaving away at the Bakery?

It’s very very lonely at home…My sister’s out more often now and she stays in her room anyway. Even if there are people I don’t really know at the cafe, I still just HATE being lonely.

This breaks my heart.

Next weekend will be one Jess and I will share. Even if we just hang out around Culver Plaza or go on our laptops at the Bakery, at least we'll be together. She's right: I don't spend enough time with her. It's because she used to yell and argue with me so much, I just... I assumed that she hated me and would rather me stay out of her life. Plus, I hated the arguing. So, I hope that nobody asks me out next weekend, 'cause the answer'll have to be no.

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mood: tired
music: Maneater - Nelly Furtado

shot me down / as i flew by

So, the Bio test was what I'd kinda expected. Easy as long as you study, which I definitely did. (TEN HOURS!) I went to sleep at four last night. Oh, how familiar the routine seemed! The multiple choice portion of the test wasn't all that bad, although there were a few questions I wasn't sure about. Also, I forgot one of my main points in the essay, which I am quite annoyed at myself for. Mrgh.

During Orchestra I went to the office to see if I could get a schedule change for the next semester. Hung out with Mindy for a while because I didn't know what to do. Then the lady at the front desk told me to go back next week, when I could make an appointment with my counselor. WHYYYYYYSDKjfld?! Mrgh, maybe I'll just take Mark's advice and wait until December. Then I ditched Orchestra for like half an hour and hung out with Erin in the Amphitheater. It was fun and really nice.

Oh, I won the crossword puzzle contest in Spanish! Mrs. Kustin-Mager complimented my handwriting. I got a 96% on the quiz because I read the stupid questions wrong, argh. And we got doughnuts in U.S., but the guy in front of me got the last chocolate one and I had to settle for glaze, boo.

Jayne invited me to the Spectrum tomorrow. I'd promised myself that I would spend this weekend to myself, but I couldn't resist the thought of getting new clothes and jewelry. And salmon sashimi. I swear that I will reject anyone who asks to do something next weekend! I need to spend time to myself! Damn it. I'm going to spend over a hundred tomorrow, just you watch. Sometimes I hate how Mother never has time to take us shopping, and refuses to pay for the clothes that I buy. It makes matters so complicated. But I guess I should be thankful either way.

Today Kristine waited for Erin with me after U.S. And she IMed me tonight, just to make conversation, and she really made an effort to keep the conversation going. That made my night. Maybe this can be salvaged after all. I won't give up! It's too bad things aren't the same between her and Jayne anymore, because that friendship was so cute and perfect. Also, Mag and Jayne seem to be talking more, which is great. Except they talk about things like Winter Formal dates, WTF? Heh. Oh, man. Just the thought of all the angst I was feeling around Winter Formal last year makes me shiver. Yuck.

Oh, I finished Falling Leaves for AP Lang. Man, the family drama in there is intense. I should write a book about my family drama, haah. Bakery feuds.

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Sifting through pictures. I can't seem to make myself drop it; she ain't never gonna stop making my heart leap. Sometimes I think that it is solely my fault that things soured between us, but she didn't do anything either. Maybe that means something that I just don't want to acknowledge. I wonder if she cares about me at all, sometimes. If she's ever cared about me.

e.e. cummings and clay aiken and nervous voices and soft hands and the gsa and burnt hair and warm arms.

for love: the foolish things we do, the stupid things we say, the lost words that we never said

for love: the time we spend together, the time we spend apart, the time we should've made a move, the time that slips past tan fingers like grains of sand

for love.

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Taking a break from studying Bio. First test tomorrow and I'm terrified! At least it'll be over with in the morning, though, I guess. I really hope that it's do-able. I've been doing well on my quizzes (only -2 so far!) so I hope that counts as something. I've studied ALL DAY nonstop. Well, except for when I collapsed around five and slept for two and a half hours. What a waste of time! Poo. At least I'm awake enough now to study, though I'm like... Well, I've reached that point in my crazy studying where I'm just like "OMG, I am so tired of studying; screw this". Except I can't do that, because this is ZOMG THE FIRST AP BIO TEST. And I really want to try for a high A, instead of my usual lousy A-'s. Well, not lousy, but... It'd be nice.

I have a 97.7% in U.S. History. Ahaha. The only reason it's not 100% is because I accidentally skipped a question on our first quiz. I kinda wanted to retake it so I could get a perfect score, but that would be a little TOO perfectionist even for my taste. So it's okay.)

Yesterday, I begged Mother for sashimi so she took us to Taiko and we got takeout. While waiting for the food, Jess snuck off to Kitty House. She came back with five capsules from those machines the Asian stores always have (I think Colleen called them gachapons or something?). Guess what they were? Yep, CARS TOYS! Oh my gosh, they are so tiny and adorable! It's like a little plastic car and a setting for it. We ended up getting all of them except for Chick (GRRR, I need Chick merchandise! ). The tractor makes me laugh. Jess kept a Guido and a Luigi and I got all of the rest of them, YAY! We played with them, and then I took pictures of all my Cars stuff becuase I like to show it off.


All my Lightning stuff! Plushie, the toy from the Cars cake, diecast toy, keychain, random little toy, and picture frame!


Diecasts, yay! Doc, the King, and Lightning!


Plushies! ^___^ Lightning, Mater, Doc, and Guido on top!


The little toys from the gachapon machines! Lightning, Tractor (lolzz!!!), Luigi x 2, Flo, Guido x 2, and Ramone! You can kind of see how each of them have their own little background and prop. They're so cute!


Everything except for my poster and the video game! Stuff unlisted above includes the Sticker Book, a Lightning spiral notebook, the coloring book, The Art of Cars, the sprinkles and a sign from the cake, a Strip keychain, and Sally and the Sheriff cell phone charms!

YAY! Isn't the collection so pretty? Chick, where are ya?!

Am looking forward to writing this wekeend. Hopefully I can get Someone to Care About done and start writing the entry for the contest.

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The days are passing quickly, yet so slowly. I cannot believe that September is nearly over. It's crazy!

Did my Orchestra seating auditions yesterday. I actually signed up for third (I wanted to get it over with, and hoped that he would be kinder to people who went more towards the beginning), but since the none of the dumb freshmen wanted to be second, I had to go sooner than I expected. I'd wanted to play this other song (he said that playing another song would add points), but I didn't have the time to go over it (I would've, had someone gone before me), so I decided not to risk playing badly. Oh, regret! Everyone else seems to have planned to play something for him other than the audition piece. I desperately hope that it won't factor too much into my seating. He said only good things about me, like about my "sound really coming out" and other stuff. It's always funny talking to him because I can't think of anything but "Hahahaha, my friend has a crush on you, hahahaha".

Mrs. Harwood wasn't there today so I couldn't give her the Disneyland paragraph. Oh, I got this ad in the mail about D-Land's Halloween Time thing, and I want to see it! Whee.

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mood: transparent
music: Lonely No More - Rob Thomas

Did you know, I still think of myself as "taken"? That night, when I was dancing with Royce, I was about to say, "Hey, I gotta get back to my girlfriend, now" but caught myself in time. It's a funny feeling. I don't think of her as my girlfriend, but not my ex either.

Maybe Amanda and I can bond, now, for each breaking someone who would've given us everything.

I'm so not-up-to-date with Kristine's love interests now. I miss the days when she would squeal to me about her Percez, and come to me about Vagina Face. I wish Amanda would tell me about stuff with Duy. I hope it's just that she doesn't want to talk about it, not that she doesn't think that I'll care.

Today Jayne and I teased Erin extensively about Hair Boy and she didn't deny any of it! Hee. Erin = ♥! :D

Why can't we just try? / I don't want to be lonely no more / What if I was good to you? / What if you were good to me? / What if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you? Sigh. Why do I have to make everything so complicated?

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mood: mentally/emotionally tired
music: The District Sleeps Alone Tonight - The Postal Service

Can't eat dinner; have no time. Jessica yelling at me about wasting Mother's money, scoffing at my meek "I don't have time; I have so much homework to do". Tears welling up, because I am tired, I am fucking tired of being tired, of being stressed, of trying to stay awake in class. School isn't worth the trouble; it steals the afternoon away (homework) and the nights, too (more homework and then studying); it forces five-hours-a-night sleep on me; it causes me to see the bonds interlinking us together all the more clearer.

Diana hasn't called me in forever; no, wait, it's only been two days. It feels like forever. But I'm too busy to have idle chitchat with her anyway, and I bet her dilemma is the same. Amanda and Duy have broken up for good? There goes the world as we all know it. It's true that when couples that are together for a long time split up, it's just...weird. Makes you feel out of it. Kristine walked me to the aquatic center today; that was really nice. I'm clinging on, I'm clinging on, because I'm not going to lose her the way I lost Ridts. I'm not going to give up. Mag's signing online all the time now, and I wish I had the time to talk to her. We haven't had some deep discussion about our feelings or even a lighthearted conversation filled with "LOL"s for a bit. I brought egg custard thingies for Mark today and he seemed happy. I like to make people happy.

Stressed, body, heart, and mind. I'm back to listening to melancholy but lovely Matchbox Twenty songs and James Blunt and Clay Aiken. I don't know what that means. Still searching for that heartbreaker song. Bed of Lies: "Just like me / You've got needs", and I'm sorry I couldn't address those needs. Cowardly and cold, that's me. I have my eyes on a certain boy but it's nothing more than lust. I have a newfound loathing for New Person, The Girl ain't the same anymore, and I singlehandedly broke the heart of my own girlfriend. I used to write about characters who broke up with people who they'd been going out with for a long time because they felt too restrained; but it would always turn out that that wasn't the real reason; there was always some other secret reason. I never thought that I would turn out to be that character, and in this story there's no secret reason for me. Michael seems to be the only stable memory now, and every day I look at the picture of him and me on my desk (it's been almost three years since the day that picture was taken) and try to remember what it felt like to be so crazy about a silly boy. I don't think I'll ever love anyone with that desperate intensity again, or with the happy adoring way I loved her in those two months. It wouldn't be right. It would be too hard to.

We spent the weekend like we were together, and her arm wrapped securely around my waist nearly made me choke with despair, with missing, with regret that I'm not a stronger person, with the pain of knowing that it will never be like that again. I complained loudly about the cold, but maybe it wasn't the air that I was complaining about. Saturday would have been our seventh month anniversary. A sappy chick flick and dinner at my favorite restaurant, like a bleak carbon copy of what our first date would have been like. She was doing so well, but I think she's faltering, and I'm sorry. Mark pleads me to not mess her up again, and I said okay. I wish it were that easy. I sobbed unrestrainedly against the doorframe when I waved goodbye to her on Sunday. It's funny thinking back on something that made us both so happy, our friends so upset, and still hurts us so much now. I have a box of all her stuff, and I'm afraid to open it because I'm afraid that I will falter.

We talked about the future and what all of our lives will be like, and I couldn't see anything but a grossly made-up Elaine clubbing every other night, wearing a top that showed off too much bone and trying to bed some pretty blonde but failing and going home feeling empty and sad and writing a journal entry about it.

Stressed, because it seems that in the absence of Kristine, Jayne is the one sitting in the corner listening to music. I wish I weren't always the one trying to hold us all together, the one so into us being a cohesive group of Best Friends Forever And Ever and never neglecting anyone, the one trying to make everyone love everyone else equally.

Jessica just blatantly ignored me. "Good night, Mom." I promised her that I would play Cars the Vid Game with her last wekeend, but Jayne stayed the whole time so I couldn't. Then, she went to the Bakery on Sunday so we couldn't then either, and I had Bio anyway. I think we're going to fall apart again.

The other day, at Denny's, I hung up the phone after asking Mother and her what they wanted me to get for them, and I found my eyes filled with tears. "I'm going to miss them so much when I leave" and Jayne and Erin thought I was being ridiculous, but two years is going to pass by so fast.

I got an A on my parallel paragraph and Harwood wants a copy of it. I'm very pleased with myself. Got an A on the notecard, too, and a 6- (a B+/B, I suppose) on the Falling Leaves essay. Also, I think I am doing better than some Venadies in Bio. What a nice feeling. Is it wrong to think that I deserve all this ego-boosting I'm suddenly getting?

Orchestra seating auditions tomorrow and I've barely practiced. I fell asleep twice today in the evening, and lost two hours or something in the process. Mother is worried. I wish she would get the hint and take me out for sushi. I miss those bonding times. The dim lights, the idle conversation, the delicious food; talking of the Bakery, our friends, Father and Jessica, school. Maybe tomorrow for lunch?

I have seven pages of AP Bio left to study. I fell asleep in Spanish today, while doing a puzzle. And here I was, hoping to break a record.

I know it's bad to blog when I still have so much to study, but I'm glad I chose to do so. My mind feels that much clearer. I suppose that's something.

(P.S. I watched a lot of Suite Life today, which was really nice.)

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mood: exhausted
music: All I Need - Matchbox Twenty

Just posted the second chapter of Someone to Care About, yay! I refuse to stop writing, despite how busy school is keeping me. I will not succumb! I still really want to do that Carsslash competition, but I'm really worried that I won't have time. I can't decide whether to work on SCA or to focus on that first and finish SCA later. I'm very hesitant about juggling two projects at once, since I know from experience that I'm very bad at that. Desperate times call for desperate measures, though. I would like to win a contest.

School is tedious but not torture. Bio is my favorite class. Mr. Jacobs is incredibly attractive and I like how our homework is studying for daily quizzes. It's like Euro, but better because scantron = yay! My class is chock-full of Venadies, but that's okay. Second period sounds/looks boring. Knowing everyone is always nice, you know, in case I get put into random groups. Lit is okay so far, too. Timed in-class essays stress me out during those thirty/fourty/fifty minutes of writing, but she grades pretty easily, so it's not as gut wrenching. As long as I can come up with something to write about, it's all pretty okay. I only wish I had one of the Amphitheater Kids in my class, because it's pretty damn lonely. At least I know a lot of people there, too, though.

Orchestra boosts my ego like whoa. Mr. V is constantly complimenting me, which is a nice change from the freshmen year's "Ladies, stop talking" and last year's "Some people need to listen to directions" or whatever he said when I screamed when Amanda accidentally stabbed me in the eye with her bow. Hanging out with Amy, Vincent, and Ashley; quaint. Auditions are on Wednesday. I hope I'll get a decent seat. The freshmen in that class are so boring, though!

Let's see. Went to the football game on Friday; went an hour early so I helped carry stuff and got in for free, yay! Jayne and Kelli were helping, too. Amanda came after the game started and I ate a hot dog with her while laughing at Jayne standing in the middle of nowhere on the field with the thousand-ton box in her arms. I mistook this random guy for Mr. V, which was hilarious. "That's not Mr. V! That's Mr. V!" ala Amanda. Hee. After losing the game horribly, we just hung around. Amanda went home while Jayne and I waited for Kelli at the front of the school. Saw the sights, oh yes. There are some sexy people out there. Then Jayne, Mark, Kelli, Erin, and I went to Denny's. Asked the cashier for crayons, drew CARS on my placemat, took an agonizingly long time eating ham, discussed pancake-eating habits, and almost paid Erin five bucks to send me this one picture of me she had on her phone. Afterwards, Kelli dropped Jayne and me off at my house and we just hung out and Jayne stayed over.

Nina picked us up and we played tennis with Diana (Subway and dead baby sandwiches!) for a few hours. Exhausting! I took a run around the courts and encountered a rabbit. I screamed. We lost a tennis ball. At five, Nina drove us to TMP, bought Jayne and me tickets, took Di and me to Jamba Juice, and then dropped Jayne and me off at the theater. Watched The Last Kiss, in which Rachel Bilson was a major bitch. What a sad movie. What a chick flick. Chick flicks aren't my thing (they're too predictable--fanfiction is much, much better), but I cried throughout the entire thing anyway. Jayne bawled at the end and I laughed at her and shoved napkins in her face.

Then we went to Barnes & Noble. Saw Jane there and talked to her for a while; also saw Jayne's mom, which was funky. Bought Cannery Row for AP English Steinbeck novel thing. Then Tower Records and dinner at CPK and loitering at Best Buy (Jayne played Guitar Hero and I was reminded of Elendraug's Guitar Hero-playing Mike Teavee ♥) and more Barnes & Noble. Went home and Jayne stayed over again. The next morning, woke up late and ordered pizza and watched Love Actually, but then she had to go in the middle of it, poo. Man, that movie is great. I cried again! And then I watched all the deleted scenes again, which were lovely. There's a really sweet/sad one about this stern Headmistress (of Bernie's--Harry's son--school) and her bedridden, fun-loving lover--a woman. In it, you can see how love really touches everybody--this stiff, strict Headmistress cracks a genuine smile and looks at her lover with such adoration that it's just... And then the lover passes away, and it's just... Aah, it's just such a great movie!

...Anyway, I'm exhausted. 'Til another day!

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mood: proud and hopeful
music: Long Day - Matchbox Twenty

Got some papers back in English. Got an A on the letter (her comments make me so happy! ) and she said that it flowed well and that I have a good voice, and that I should keep it up! I wrote a bit about how hard I worked for Freed, and she put a heart around the "A" in "In the end, I was right: I did receive that A." Hee. She used a sparkly pink pen! Got a B+/A- (in-between) on the in-class essay I was freaking out about. I'm ECSTATIC. That kind of grade for an in-class thing for me is like, wow. I'm really pleased with myself. She asked, "You got an A in Freed?" to me today. I hope it wasn't like, "You got an A?" Haha. Oh, and she called on me to read! Like, she SAID MY NAME. Oh my gosh! A teacher who knows my name?! Maybe I won't hate this class as much as I'd anticipated that I would.

PE was... Oh god. We ran a bit for warm-up and it actually wasn't too bad. I'm so out of shape! It was good to get my heart rate going and all that stuff. Stretching was nice, too. I'm still really stiff lately. My neck is a pain in the...neck. Heh. But the actual Tennis bits... ARGH! I think I'm going to actually be the worst player there, haha. We did some drills and I just COULD NOT do them. I mean, I could bounce the ball like...seven times. Everyone else was like, "Whoo, I did over thirty!" And I tried to hit the ball twice. HAHA, wow. I don't think I need to say any more. Going back to the locker rooms, I thought to myself, "Ah, so that's why I always exaggerate my un-athletic-ness!" Or well, I'd thought that I was exaggerating. Diana and I are planning to maybe go hit some balls. Hopefully I'll get better and I don't have like, an I-Can't-Play-Sports-For-Shit disease.

Kristine gave us Pirate's Booty at lunch but then left. We ate almost all of it and I felt really bad. I wish we were cool enough for her to hang out with. I miss her. Even if she's sometimes just sitting there and listening to her iPod, it just doesn't feel the same without her. I hope she will come with us off-campus tomorrow?

In Spanish, Kustin-Mager said "Wow, you guys must've had a really good Spanish 3 teacher." Our Spanish 3 teacher was the joke of the century. Nice lady with good intentions, but bad teacher. Anyway, Kelly and I looked at each other and smirked, hahaha.

U.S. History was boring as usual. Did my Spanish homework. As usual. God, the people in that class are amazingly dumb. I have a quiz tomorrow. It's answering questions?! Kinda scared but at the same time, it's that disgusting scorning Honors side of me saying, "Oh my god whatever, it's just regular U.S." I'm really sad that AP US is so tough. I think U.S. history in itself is pretty interesting and would have liked to learn about it in depth.

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mood: tired
music: As the Rush Comes - Motorcycle

"The smaller aperture of the lid has been designed to prevent hedgehogs from entering the McFlurry container in the unfortunate incident that the lid is littered."
- MCDONALD'S, in a statement on its decision to redesign its cups after protests by teh British Hedgehog Preservtation Society, which says the animals get stuck while trying to eat leftover ice cream, then starve to death.

Time magazine never ceases to amuse me.

Ordinary day. Bio is pretty cool. Kelly is funny. "There are so many...Venado people in our class. It's really...weird."

Jayne: I HATE ADRIAN I WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE
Kelly: Ohh... [nods]
Erin: And?!
Jayne: AND I'M GOING TO RIP HIS BALLS OFF
Erin: And legs! Cut off his legs! You have to get rid of some limbs. [sounds really serious]
Me: ...Okay, I hope I never get Erin mad.
when the bell rings and we're going off to class...
Kelly: [to Jayne] Just try to ignore him, okay? And if he really annoys you, just block him out.
Jayne: ...What? Who? ...OHHH!!!

Gotta love Kelly.

OH! Orch was... I dunno. The freshmen in that class are SOOO boring. I'd be laughing/smiling at Mr. V's jokes (I mean come on, they were at least amusing!) while the freshmen just sat there, looking braindead. At the beginning of class, Mr. V asked us to talk to someone near us and tell them something we did over the summer. I turned back and talked to Irving about dropping, since I'd heard him talking to Mr. V at the beginninng of class about dropping. But then Mr. V called on him and asked him to tell the class one thing about his partner, and he said, "Uhh, Elaine wants to drop this class." HAHAHA. I was SO embarrassed. All the freshmen were like 0_0!!!! and Mr. V was like... [blink]. Eeep!

Good news, though, I lined up with the sophomores to talk to Mr. V and suddenly I heard, "I need to talk to Elaine; her schedule was messed up." I was like OMGOMG WHAT HI IM RIGHT HEERE. The first thing he said was, "I really don't know what you're doing in this class, honestly." And I was like, "YES!!!" Apparently he put me in String Orchestra with all the other upperclassmen, but I guess the office fucked it up and put me in Concert. Well, isn't that just lovely! And he asked me what my 3B was, and I told him that I have solid block Spanish, a class with a teacher I actually like. He was like, "Oh. Well, we'll be going over a lot of basic stuff so you can build a stronger foundation for yousrelf" or something BS-y like that. I was like, "Damn, he's assuming I'm not going to drop this class. Oh well." So I'm staying. For this semester, at least. He said (very enthusiastically ) that I could join String Orch next semester. So I'm pretty happy about that, I guess. I hope I don't get a really embarrassing seat. The orchestra is tiny: 30 people. Man, oh man.

Spanish and U.S. were...same as usual. U.S. was BORING. We're skimming past all this important stuff like BAM! Poo. And I like that stuff. I hope I'll be ready for the History portion of the STAR tests in May. The student teacher is such a freaking ditz. I can't stand it. The slide said "capable" and she kept saying, "I know it says 'capable', but I like 'awesome' better. Awesome!" And I was like GOD SAVE ME! Mrgh. At least I got all my Spanish homework done in it.

AND I AM DONE WITH LITERARY TERMS ONCE AND FOR ALL YESSSSSSS!

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mood: tired
music: Since You've Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson

Okay day. We had to write an essay about the memoir we read over the summer for AP Lang, and I did really bad. She's giving us fifteen more minutes to finish on Wednesday, but I already finished mine and well, I pretty much said all that I could think of. Mrgh. I'm really worried. Timed, in-class essays are really not my thing. And I always have to keep glancing at other people's papers to see if I'm timing myself properly. Grr. But we got the summer assignment stuff that we turned in back, and I'm pretty happy with what I received! An eight on the memoir, fours and four-and-a-halves on the Fred Doug responses/evaluation, and an A- on the essay. She wrote "good analysis". I hear I beat some of those achievers that I despise. Ah, triumph. Although it's not as sweet as it could be, since they're only the first assignments, and the horribleness of the in-class essay kind of drowns out my pride, but still. It's nice to know that Mark, all my reviewers, and myself are not too deluded to think that I'm a good at least decent writer when I'm really a terrible one.

Chose locker and stuff for PE. Ew, I don't want to change in front of freshmen. At least PE doesn't have homework. Spent rest of the time reading the Falling Leaves book we're reading for AP Lang. Am on Chapter 6, so that's pretty good. (We have to read 1-7 by Friday, when we're doing another writing.)

Spanish was just easy stuff, which is always nice. And in U.S. we just watched a video on 9/11, which was pretty depressing. At one part, one of the interviewed firefighters said something like, "And it was just horrible to think, how bad was it up there [on the towers] that they would rather jump?"

Studied Bio--which took the entire afternoon--and took a fifteen-minute nap in the middle of it because I was tired, did Spanish, and have been doing my Lit terms since nine. Oh my god, eight to go. I have to finish those tomorrow. Argh. I want to get it down to like, four, but I'm having trouble finding examples. I really hate BSing homework. I wish I were more insightful and analytical.

How come everybody come 'round my London, London bridge? I hate that song. Stupid radio. But I can never concentrate on homework when my own music is playing because I always feel compelled to sing along. And what's with the whole "Me love you long time" thing that everybody's now using? Hip-hop chicks saying something fobby-sounding is so weird. Both Nelly Furtado and Fergie have it in their songs. Although Nelly Furtado's is 1205020938x better, in my opinion. She's a maaaaaneater! Heh. SexyBack still beats all, though.

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mood: worried/confused
music: Candy Shop - 50 Cent

One more kiss could be the best thing
One more lie could be the worst

How can this love be a good thing?

Did nothing but homework the entire afternoon. Finished five Lit terms, wrote a summary of a 9/11 article, transferred notes to a notebook for U.S., did a worksheet about the Constitution, and am currently re-reading the memoir and taking notes. I have such a short-term memory. I can never remember what the books that I read are actually about, other than a very, very vague summary. Mrgh. I'm on page 85 out of 212 and waiting for my hair to dry. I'm pretty worried about the in-class essay that we're doing tomorrow in English. At least I found my clothes and lock for PE.

Relapse.

Sometimes I hate how I can never really get over anybody. I'm sorry I keep fucking her life up and screwing her over. I'm sorry I miss some things and don't miss others. Like I told Mark, it's... It's complicated. And like I told her, I don't know what I want. I suppose I've never really known.

I get a big hug tomorrow.

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Jayne came over and we just hung out and talked and listened to my music. Did you know that I have thirty-four Matchbox Twenty songs? Man, that's a lot of songs. And I still don't have all the songs from the first album! We walked to Sushi Boy and had some yummy Japanese food. SALMON YAY! She knew the chick who was working there so we got free food! Well, she gave Jayne a fully stamped card that let her get a free sushi dish, and she let me use it so I didn't have to pay. Awesooooome. Thanks, man! 'Twas yum! Except apparently this guy behind us kept checking me out? Aaah! Saved money and DIDN'T get frozen yogurt or Orangina or Starbucks like I'd wanted to. Ohhh, the pain of being frugal. We were going to go somewhere but we ended up not being able to decide where to go and exasperating each other, so we didn't do anything, haha. At least the food was good.

My thighs hurt like fuck from the dance or something? I ache all over. OHOHOHO. I was getting clothes out of a drawer and then I hit my freaking jaw against it. Now my lip is all swollen up and I have a cut on my face. Ouch. I cried a lot today and my voice is all hoarse so now my mom thinks that I have a cold.

I finished my Spanish homework and my letter to Mrs. Harwood. I really need to finish my goddamned Literary terms, but I'm really tired. Getting some fresh air and walking in the sunshine was nice, though.

This city is so freaking green. Like not environmental, just...GREEN.

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mood: hyper
music: SexyBack - Justin Timberlake

she wanted something just like the real thing
he needed love,
it all worked out somehow

It's quite easy to fall into the routine of school again. Surprisingly. I mean, I still hate classes and homework and stuff, but it's all so...familiar, somehow. Except for the whole I'm a junior thing, and the massive amounts of freshman kids. Being with friends at lunch and after school and break and stuff is so...nice, though. Fun. Easy. I just...I get this feeling of fitting right in, ya know? A lot of people don't have their own circle of friends, and never get to feel that, so I know that despite anything that happens after high school, I'm going to remember these girls for the rest of my life. I'll remember Diana, the hilarious one, and Kelly, the righteous one, and Amanda, the hungry one (HAHA), and Jayne, the loud one, and Maggie, the cute one, and Kristine, the quiet one, and Erin, the randomly crazy one. And I'll look back and think, man, I was the ditzy, girly, silly, bitchy, loud slut, but damn did I have fun. And you know what? That'll be all that matters. I don't want to look back on these days and think, man, I should've appreciated them more. 'Cause I know I'm so, so lucky. I love my friends so much. So much. ♥

Anyway, school.

1A. AP Lang & Comp sounds "hella" scary, with all the timed in-class writing, but I hope that I'll improve a lot and do well on the test. (SATs OMG! ) My class sucks because of all the good writers that are in it. And none of my friends! Poo. Oh oh oh, but we did this random questions thing, and I chose 37 so she asked me, "What do you think is an underrated book and why?" I hesitated for a REALLY LONG TIME, even though I had the perfect book in mind. But god, I gave my H American Literature class a frickin' speech about supporting gay marriage, and fuck, since when did I care about anyone judging me because of that kind of thing? Never, that's right. So I said, "Brokeback Moutain." And she seemed really pleased. Yeah, I feel sorry for the teachers sometimes. Kids these days are so freaking MEAN and PREJUDICED and RUDE, with their "OMG, how gay" and "You're retarded" and "What a fag" and "Ew, fat people". WHATSWRONGWITHPEOPLE!!!! ARGH! Anyway, she was like "Oh, good!!! Why do you think that people don't read it?" And I was really flustered because I could've given a huge speech about that, but I said, "Because people are really prejudiced and mean and everything." And she was like YES! Did I get weird looks? I don't know, and I don't really care. People are so dumb for judging a movie like that, anyway. A fucking love story is a fucking love story. IT'S BEAUTIFUL AND IT MAKES PEOPLE CRY. Fuck gender. Anyway, it made me feel really good about myself.

1B. BIO! I like it so far. He's cute and funny and not too serious but serious enough. It sounds like a huge workload, but I hope I enjoy it. I'm pretty familiar with everyone in the class, so that's comforting. And Kelly's in it, yay!

2A. Tennis. Boring because we didn't do anything, but I'm pretty scared about the actual thing. The teacher seems pretty cool, though. I'm terrified about when it comes time to pair up and stuff, and I hope that I'll have enough initiative to go up to this one girl I know from Homework Lab, who also doesn't have anyone in that class. I'm the only junior, I think!

2B. So, I got put in the beginning orchestra. BULLSHIT. I'm the only junior, and there's two sophomores, and a bunch of freshmen. I can't change my schedule because my third is a solid block and I quite like it. I want to drop it and then switch to String second semester. I'm quite pissed, but I don't know what to say to Mr. V.

3. Honors Spanish 4! Kustin-Mager is so cool! And man, she speaks a lot of Spanish since we're advanced and all, and I actually understand it! Coolios. Spanish homework is fun because it's so freaking easy. So far, anyway. Essays are going to be scary. I keep forgetting vocab words! Aah! But the other Elaine is in it, so we get to talk now, yay. It's funny being called Elaine O. all the time.

4. US History, it vanished from my schedule so I had to go and get a schedule change and so I got switched out of Jayne and Kelly's class! And it had EVERYONE in it! But at least I'm still with Kristine and Erin, though the class sucks. Dumbass psychology teacher and her student teacher. I think Imma do a lot of writing in it, hahaha. Or sleep.

Went to Link Crew barbecue (ate three hot dogs! ) and football game today. Kelly said somebody behind us said, "Man, I have the best view" when I was dancing with the band? Awkward, but flattered I suppose. Weird. Everyone ended up being there, actually! Although Kristine didn't sit with us ! And Amanda had to sit above us.

Henry and Cody and Adrian and their arrogant little posse were LITTLE FUCKING BASTARDS WHO I HOPE WILL CHOKE AND DIE today. This one white kid (I didn't know him, I don't think) tapped me as I was going back to my seat and was like, "Hey, do you know him?" And pointed to Cody. I was like, "Me? Yeah." And he was like, "Do you think he's gay? Homosexual?" And fuck, if I was a violent person, I would have PUNCHED HIM RIGHT THERE AND THEN. Jayne said that if I'd stayed a minute longer she would've. ♥!!! Anyway, then Henry was like, "Say no!" and grinning and stuff. I looked him in the eye, skimmed the rest of them, and said, "Fuck you guys." AND I FUCKING MEANT IT. I DON'T SAY THAT TO PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW. I wish I could've mouthed them off right then and there, but there were people pushing behind me. I said fuck you, and turned away and walked up the steps. I told Phuong, and she was like, "How did they know that you are...?" and I don't know, they might not even have meant it that way. I'm not sure the guy didn't just single out a random person from the crowd. But either way, I don't TAKE this fucking homophobic shit said to my face. I'm overreacting? WHATEVER. They didn't mean it in a rude way? YEAH. THAT GROUP IS LIKE HOMOPHOBIC TO THE FUCKING EXTREME. Last year in Freed, watching the vids? I didn't laugh. Maybe I'm the bigot, but you know what, I don't WANT that kind of attitude around me. And maybe they didn't even hear my fuck you, but hell, I said it, and I'm really proud of myself for not being stupid and just letting it go. Last year, I would've just said "no" and left it at that. But you know what, that's OFFENSIVE, and I'm not letting stupid boys go for that. Especially since I've wanted to say that to that group for so long, since they started their little "fag" thing. Hmm, Cody was in my English class when I said Brokeback. I wonder what he thought. Probably something that would make me want to punch him in the face.

Went to the dance afterwards, and it was the highlight of the night. After they FIXED THE GODDAMNED ELECTRICITY, anyway. It kept going out after each song played for like a minute. I was afraid everyone was going to want to leave, but they fixed it and it all turned out okay. Royce asked me to dance (I kinda had a crush on him last summer or something) so I said okay. 'Twas better than stupid Dan Pham of course, but still kinda boring. Not that he's bad or anything, it was just...not much other than swaying back and forth. But I suppose I feel triumph somewhere in there. Danced with Jayne the whole night afterwards and it was much more fun. There's a thing about guys like... They're always in control, somehow. You gotta do what they want you to do. I hate that. I hate stupid gender roles. But I mean, you dance with a chick, and it's different. You don't feel so uncomfortable or awkward, and maybe it's because I know Jayne, too, but I mean... Well, I can't really explain it. But it's really different. Oh, plus you don't have to deal with them rubbing their fucking hard-ons against you. Penises are worth less than they seem. Ain't never needed them, don't need them now. And maybe it's also that I've ALWAYS wanted to dance with Jayne (I kept hinting last year at Homecoming but I was too shy to really make a move), and finally got my wish. It was a lot of fun, although I kept stepping on Amanda's toes and feeling REALLY bad about it. THEY PLAYED SEXYBACK. That was part of the reason I wanted to go at all, hahaha. Gotta always dance to my favorite songs of the moment, ya know? They did play Promiscuous! YAY. They should've played Golddigger and older Missy Elliott stuff, but those are just my old favorites, haha.

Walked to Starbucks afterwards but it was closed (Jayne and Amanda thought it was 24-hours, WTF?) of course. Chatted a bit and then got picked up by Mother. I was crazy in the car. I'm always crazy around 9 to 1130 at night. Heh, I was singing, "I'M A LITTLE TEEEEAPOT!" Yay!

Now I want to have a party and blast my music and have everyone dance. I should do that for my next birthday party. Hahaha. Nobody would come. I wish there were non-alcoholic/drugs parties with booming music that I'd be invited to. Fucking teenagers and their dumb habits. I just want to dance. And hell, is that so weird? Dry humping don't damage anybody's life the way that shit might. Except for maybe anyone watching some of the sluts who were dancing there, all with each other, might get brain damage. Some of them were like, WOW, YOU'RE A SLUT! I use the term quite freely, though. Bitch, not so much. Oh, I wish I'd gone to the Heritage dances! Amanda says raunchy and I say jealous! But oh, I'm really excited about Homecoming. I hope they will play good music and a lot of people will go. And we're going to Winter Formal and Prom this year, I think! Amanda and I, anyway! Am quite excited. Not exactly one for dresses and heels (yuck, though Diana and Kristine said that I look good in heels), but the dancing and stuff will be fun. I hope that it all works out, and that everyone will join us! It sounds like fun.

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mood: accomplished
music: Ordinary Day - Vanessa Carlton

Oh my god, I'm done with my Fred Doug essay! Wow, I promised myself that I wouldn't sleep until it was finished, and I actually finished before three AM! I've only been working on it for, you know, eight hours. Holy shit. That's pretty sad. For a one-page essay. Not double-spaced, though.

Still, pretty proud. :) I was feeling REALLY frustrated earlier, but I mean, once all distractions were gone and I just focused on doing the thing, it just started flowing out from my fingers. I still hate essay writing, though. Blah.

Tomorrow I'm planning on editing my memoir to include a lot more stuff and take out a bunch of excess junk. I really hate it right now, so I hope that it'll turn out all right. Then I'll be done with what's due on Thursday! YAY! And I still have to finish my Lit Terms (oh god) and take notes on the memoir, because I've forgotten half of it already. Oh, I feel like I could take on the world right now! Maybe I'll do some terms before going to assemble my bedside table. (Which I adore, BTW. )

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mood: dreading school
music: Crazy - Gnarls Barkley

Woke up at seven today (a killer) and did the whole Link Crew orientation shabang. Never called my kids so only two of 'em showed up. Was really boring and awkward, but DAYUM some of the incoming freshman are cute. There was this guy in my partner's group that seemed to have it all--he was in Honors classes, played basketball, and was CUUTE. Then there were a bunch of little-kid looking guys who were SO FRICKING EATABLE. Aah! And a BUNCH of hot girls... I mean, DAMN. Made me feel like THEY were the upperclassmen. I wish I was taller. Anyway. It was kind of nice meeting new people that I had an advantage over. I mean, the whole leading them around and directing them and helping them and stuff. Then again, it was boring as shit. At least we got free food for our troubles.

There's a barbecue, football game against our omg!rivals, and a dance on Friday. Maybe people will want to go?

Am really nervous about my English class. Why, oh why, did I not take Chem? Why, oh why, did I end up in the class with all the overachievers? If I get a B in that class, I am going to brutally murder something. Mag gave me this disdainful look today, when I brought that up. Jayne just keeps saying that she doesn't care how great those people are. And Mark admitted that he's not exactly thrilled, either, but it seems wrong to complain to him, when I count him as one of the achievers. I can't complain to Mother either, because she thinks that I'm one of those achievers. I dunno. I guess I'm just going to whine about it a lot here. So if you don't want to read about it, then don't! A part of me worries that people will rag on me caring too much about academics/what people think/blah blah whatever everyone's always bitching about, but well. They should know by now that that's just HOW I AM, and fuck, if I could choose, I wouldn't choose to be so fucking dependent on the opinions of people I don't even like.

...whoa, calm down Elaine. Okay.

Back to writing this essay. I have two unfinished sentences so far. I'm so staying up late tomorrow. Stupid fucker.

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mood: sad
music: Crutch - Matchbox Twenty

Sometimes it's like growing up with a single parent. Mother wakes us up in the morning, takes us to school, picks us up, drives us to events, cooks three meals for us, packs lunch for me, takes care of us when we're sick, worries about our grades, worries about our health, buys the groceries, helps us move all the furniture in our room, listens to our dumb stories, takes us out to dinner, fixes broken appliances and plumbing, takes care of the garden, takes care of bills, takes out the trash, washes the dishes, sits in the audience at our musical performances, worries about money, worries about college. Father buys us gifts from foreign places and comes home for a few weeks before leaving again. I love him. I know that now. The little things he does or says let me know for sure that he loves us more than anything. And then I ask, but then why doesn't he stay home more often? Why doesn't he spend time with us, the little time that he's home? He's always holed up in his room, either sleeping or on his laptop.

Mother says we're already grown up now, and we don't need him anymore. Maybe she's right. Because it really doesn't make much of a difference to me whether he's home or not anymore. Sometimes he's home and I forget that he's even there and freak out when he walks out of his room. Sometimes he's away and I open the room to his door to ask him something but nobody is there. I don't not care about him. He just doesn't really have any impact in my life anymore. He at least used to be the parent I'd ask about homework, about going out (he was more lenient than Mother, about random questions I had about random things, about buying things. The one who would take us to Palace Park every Saturday to play mini golf and silly arcade games. That Father is gone. He won't even go out to lunch with us anymore, opting to stay home and sleep.

He doesn't even try to fix his jetlag anymore. When he's here, he wakes up in the early afternoon, goes to work, comes home at SIX FUCKING A.M., sleeps, and repeat. I don't see him during weekdays. EVER. So you can see why him being here and not being here doesn't make much of a difference.

The big difference is that when he's home, Mother is a lot happier. She misses him a lot when he's gone. She's always talking about it. I feel so sorry for her. Whenever she complains about how much he travels and how he's always neglecting our family, he always retorts that he's working so hard so that he can earn a lot of money for us. And that's true, I acknowledge that. I really appreciate the hard work he does so that we can have money. He works REALLY hard, and he's always really stressed out and really tired. But he's not paid on an hour-by-hour basis! He doesn't need to spend SEVENTEEN FUCKING HOURS at the office to earn money for us.

YOU'RE A DENSE FUCKER SOMETIMES, FATHER. You just waltzed into my room, telling me that I should go to sleep because I have school tomorrow. When I explained that school starts on Thursday, you just commented that it was weird and didn't even notice my FUCKING RED EYES AND STUFFY NOSE AND SNIFFLING. My red eyes, Father, because I'm crying! About you!

Sometimes, he says the sweetest little things, like today... I asked him to carry the box with the parts for my new bedside table upstairs for me, and he did. He said, "You're going to do this by yourself?" And I said, "Yeah, sure! I assembled the entire bookcase by myself!" And he told me to be careful, because I could easily get cut by the wood. It was... It was really sweet, him caring about such a little thing. And I wonder, if he's so thoughtful, why doens't he ever think of us missing him, of how he's become absent in our lives?

Today he commented that Jess looked different today. More like a teenager. OF COURSE SHE LOOKS LIKE A TEENAGER. In half a year she'll be one! Doens't he understand, the next time he blinks, I'll be out of here and in college? Two years is a short time when one is gone every few weeks. And Jess will be buying $200 dresses for parties? And when he comes back from all those foreign countries, maybe we won't be here anymore? Maybe the next time he turns around, Jess will be bringing home this wonderful guy she met at work and is engaged to? Maybe I'll come home for Christmas or something, and he'll be reading the newspaper while Mother and I cook dinner for everyone, and I'll suddenly point out the advertisement that I designed for some big, famous company?

He watched Click with us, and wasn't affected even the tiniest bit by it. HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO BLIND? How can such an intelligent, hardworking, kind, warm-hearted, kid-loving, good person be so blind? Sometimes he's so here, sometimes he says the sweetest things, sometimes things he does the sweetest things... But sometimes, I watch other kids interact with their fathers and listen to them talk about where their fathers took them last Saturday and haha, how their dad did something so hilarious, and I just... It used to be like that. It hurts more when you know what it's like having it. It used to be like that.

Yesterday, we were having a family dinner (yeah, it happens once in a blue moon) and the subject of the gifts he most recently brought back was brought up. He made a comment about the See's Candies box that he always brings home for me. Clearly airport bought. Probably from the SAME FUCKING STORE IN THE SAME FUCKING AIRPORT EVERY TIME. He said that he did it because it was a tradition. It's such a sweet thought, but...

Why doesn't he ever think that maybe I would take him being more involved in my life over a lousy box of chocolates that aren't even the kind that I like any day?

I can't stop crying. I'm fucking sobbing. I can't breathe. And yet... I know that I don't want it enough to wish on it. Just... Be there at my graduation, at least, please, Father? Help me move into my dorm/apartment when the time comes? If I bring home the person that I think might be someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, please be there to give me your approval, because it does matter to me? If I ever get married, be there to give me away, please? If I get in a car accident and am wounded almost fatally... Please come home and hold my hand in the hospital? If I'm dying of cancer, please forget work and come home to spend my last months of living with me and take me to all those places I've always wanted to visit?

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Oh man, now I get why Diana does this everyday. Find a bunch of random stuff online that cracks her up, I mean. I was looking up examples of double entendres, and found a bunch of those "ridiculous newspaper headings/signs/etc." sites and I mean, I find this funnier than Engrish. I lurve my sense of humor. I adore double entendres because, I dunno, it's funnier when it's not so obvious. I really don't like stupid humor (the guy runs into a wall--OMG HAAHHAHAHA) and vulgar humor. Some of the more tasteful gender/racial/sexuality/hair color jokes can be kind of funny too, but only if it's not too malicious.

In front of a secondhand shop:
We exchange anything--bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Sign on motorway garage:
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants, please stay in your car.

Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor. (HAHAHAHA)

Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Sign on a repair shop door:
We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work.)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order please use floor below.

In a laundromat:
Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

On a plumbers truck:
Don't sleep with a drip - call your plumber.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. (HAHAHA)

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. (HAHAH)

Okay, I'm done. I am so amused.

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mood: happy and proud
music: Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is - Jet

So I posted it last night, and first thing I did when I woke up was check my inbox. Four reviews!!! It's only been seven hours since I posted it! A huge smile appeared on my face after reading them. Especially Basil-Ovelby's. She's become something of a friend. You know, that fanfiction writer friend I find in every fandom, who squees about my writing and I squee about hers. Love her reviews. ...And WTF, two favorites already? These people are insane! And 35 views. Holy shit, a lot of people read this stuff. ^__^

Man, and I'm getting sushi for lunch! Awesomezzz.

Oh, and I love this song! The beat is so great. And these lyrics--

I'm the same old trailer trash
In new shoes
- Girl Like That, Matchbox Twenty

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mood: fanfiction-y
music: Do You Want To - Franz Ferdinand

Will post first chapter of Someone to Care About on FF.net tomorrow, if it'll let me log in! Yay! I really hope I'll be able to finish it, despite school and stress and all. Fanfiction'll be a good thing to keep me sane with all the dumb school angst. Or at least, I hope so! It's Chick/Lightning, and it's a KILLER to write. Grr for keeping them in character. Lightning keeps getting really mushy on me. Mrgh. And then Chick gets sad too often. I really like the ending, though, so I hope it'll turn out all right.

Also have a couple plotbunnies:

The King/Chick: Strip and his wife get divorced. He doesn't know what to do, where to go, so he goes to Chick, his long-time friend. They haven't been on speaking terms since The Crash, but they talk it over and Strip forgives him. Strip stays at Chick's place. Chick's totally dying because he's had a mad crush on Strip since forever. Strip finds out? Weirded out at first, but eventually feels the same way. They're all like, together forever and stuff. (That's the one for the contest, or at least, that's what I'm aiming for.)

Ramone/Flo: Het, what?! I know. I'm pretty daunted by the fact that it's not slash, but I mean, I really like them together. It'd be a good challenge for me, anyway. And those two are so perfect for each other. Flo's character bio says that it was love at first sight and they've been married ever since, which sounds adorable for those two. And there are the cutest pictures of those two in the Art of Cars book, and it's just eee! Haha. Me writing a canon couple is pretty weird, too. I thought it'd be a good how-they-got-together story, though. And aww, isn't the thought of a starstruck, hood-over-tail in love Ramone just the cutest thing?

Sushi tomorrow for lunch, and then maybe Ikea and barbecue? :) I guess Jess and I can go to D-land some other time. But ew, I'll be doing a bunch of homework.

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mood: stressed and annoyed
music: Girl Like That - Matchbox Twenty

I have 13 out of 39 of my Literary Terms done. I was planning to take Jess to Disneyland tomorrow, but I guess that won't be happening. I WANT TO SEE LIGHTNING, GODDAMNIT! Sigh. I hate homework. And I really don't want to go back to school. This summer has been so good for me, and I feel so...at peace with myself. And happy. But with school will come so much stress and angst (I have a BUNCH of overachievers in my English class--it'll be like sophomore year, only worse, which = even MORE angry angst from me), and I just... I don't want to feel upset all the time again. I love being happy. But it's hard for me to be happy when I feel like a COMPLETE FUCKING FAILURE AT LIFE BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THEY MAKE ME FEEL. AAAAAAARGH.

The LJ Carsslash community is having a fic/art contest for the theme "Eternity", and I already have a plot bunny in mind. The deadline is the end of this month though, and I really hope I'll be able to finish something in time for it. I already submitted an icon for the LJ Cars community Icontest, and although I'm not like OMG I HAVE TO WIN, it's just...nice and kind of fun to participate in contests like these. And I usually hate competitions and contests. Know why these are different? Because these are areas where I feel like I am actually have some kind of talent, where I can prove myself worthy. Where I feel like I actually am worth something. Where I actually have a FUCKING CHANCE. School used to make me feel more confident in myself, but now it just depresses me and makes me feel frustrated and angry and JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Sigh.

Today's my last day at work.

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I recognise the way you make me feel
It’s hard to think that you might not be real

What awesome lyrics. So fitting for my love interests.

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