darkshipping oocness
Okay, so I am loving all these Darkship fics I'm finding, but oh god, the OOC-ness kills. And then I feel like a hypocrite because all of my YGO fics are disgustingly OOC as well. I mean seriously, Worthy of You... What a hoot! Fly With Me is slightly better but still...heh. Umm, I was twelve? angel
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Posted on October 30, 2006 by Elaine
halloween impending
mood: dorkygrin excited
music: Move Along - The All-American Rejects

So, stayed up 'til three practicing for presentation on Handmaid's. Lolz. I'm such a writer. Everyone either did really enthusiastic, to-the-point presentations or rambling-about-the-plot presentations, but mine read like...an essay, haha. Oh well, it's over! dorkygrin

Today was kinda fun. Diana and I are having fun insulting each other like crazy (even more than usual, can you imagine!). At lunch, Erin gave us all Smarties and Mag, Jayne, Di, and I drew all over the ground where we were sitting with them. It worked surprisingly well! Like chalk, except it was used up faster, haha. Then one of the custodians or something drove by and yelled at us and made us wash it off. It was fun, though.

Also, my Tennis friend Melissa randomly gave me a pretty fan today. It was so cute and sweet of her. I gave her a hug. happy

I suppose one of my greatest accomplishments is becoming an established author at twelve years old. happy I miss my Darkshipping days like crazy. Benig one of the elite in the ship was probably one of the best experiences in my life. I suppose it's like Jess's graphic design reign at Illusen's Glade Guild, where she had requests coming at her 24/7 and people ten years older than her worshipping her. (She was nine.) I wish there were more Darkshipping fics! Aah, I need to write. Oh! I did dole out this random drabble at four AM the other day, though! I might even make it into a one-shot, who knows! Also, I miss Yuugiou. I want to buy all the DVD boxes that I'm missing but I don't know where to get them. Maybe Ebay.

Tomorrow is Halloween and I'm excited! I'm going to be a police officer, heh. Kinda French-ish, 'cause my sexy hat is like a French policeman's. Party at my house! All of the Amphitheater Kids, plus Mag is bringing her brother and Kristine is bringing Millie. w00t. I'm going to be pretty annoyed if Kristine just hangs out with Millie the entire time, though, like she did that time at Lamppost, even though I gave her a ride there. Hopefully everything will be okay. Also, I hope that they don't mess up my room too much, because that's the reason I don't invite everyone over more often. Oh, plus there's nothing to do at my place, haha. I'm making Erin bring her GameCube and Mark return her controllers to her. Pat & Oscars dinner! Oh god, I'm going to die playing hostess for nine people. Wish me luck! Hopefully we'll get a lot of pics. happy
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Posted on October 30, 2006 by Elaine
midnight musing
mood: happy mellow
music: Better Together - Jack Johnson

Yesterday Jayne came over and we played The Sims. I got her together with Mr. V! It was cute. Then we went to dinner with Kelly and Mag at In-And-Out and saw Erin working! Too bad she was busy and didn't get to really talk to us. But she called me afterwards and we talked for a little bit. happy

Today I spent most of the day reading Puppyshipping fanfiction angel and finishing up The Handmaid's Tale, which I quite liked. It dealt with environmental, religious, and gender issues. Plus, dystopian novels are love. There is just something so captivating and fascinating about a future world gone wrong. Definitely a recommended read.

Next I'm reading The Winter of Our Discontent (Steinbeck), then the newest Artemis Fowl (Eoin Colfer), then Catch-22 (Joseph Heller), then Slaughterhouse-Five (Kurt Vonnegut). Then I have to finish Farenheit 451 (Ray Bradbury). I want to check out Philip K. Dick's The Man in the High Castle as well. happy Oh, how I wish I had more time to read. Damn homework interfering with other educational pursuits.

On another note, reading Handmaid's made me think. I remember Diana and I once discussed being mildly annoyed by avid/extreme feminists and their "Girls are better than boys"s. To be honest, I'm far from a feminist. Women aren't better than men any more than white people are better than black people or Christians are better than Muslims or heterosexuals are better than homosexuals or the wealthy are better than the poor. They're equal. Women are better than men in some aspects; men are better than women in others. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. And we should all have our equal rights. Sometimes I muse to myself that if I lived a century and a bit ago I might have been a supporter of Socialist ideas. Equality for all sounds good, doesn't it? It's too bad that it never really happens like that.

Daylight Savings Time is ending tonight and I'm sad. I'll miss seven o' clock sunsets. sad
3 Comments
Posted on October 28, 2006 by Elaine
just a daaaaaaay just an!
mood: happy at peace
music: Move Along - The All-American Rejects

Graphic!

So not my best work, but I like the bottom. I think I'll have to do a remake soon.

It's only the second day but my hair already feels disgusting. I hope it's not my miracle shampoo that's weighing it down.

Biology test is over! Thank god.

Going to take my permit test on Friday, two months after I finished the class, heh. I'm kind of nervous because it's been so long. I'm terrified that I'm going to be a terrible driver.

Orchestra concert is on Thursday and I'm kind of excited. I haven't sat in the first row for a concert in very, very long. I'm kind of sad that probably nobody will see me, though. Jayne and Mag will probably be warming up and Kelly and Amanda aren't in Orchestra anymore. And Erin and Mark are in band. For some reason, the bands aren't playing at this one this year. No idea why. Man, I was looking forward to listening to everyone. Oh well. Mr. V likes me now, which makes me happy for some reason. I "auditioned" to play Hopak with String Orchestra and after about thirty seconds he told me yes. dorkygrin This section leader thing is really boosting my confidence. It's great. I even walk standing straight up now. Though that might be because my sister is embarrassingly taller than me now. shock
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Posted on October 24, 2006 by Elaine
stained biology notes
mood: cry empty
music: Escape - Enrique Iglesias

What do you want to be when you grow up, Elaine?

I want to stop caring about what other people say, what other people think. I want to be the president of the Human Rights Campaign. I want to champion GLBT rights. I want feel like I can speak my mind to whoever I want. I want to have friends who understand me and support me no matter what. I want to stop being that person that everyone rolls their eyes at when she cries. I want to feel in control of my emotions. I want to feel like I am loved for every part of me.

I want to love the people for every single part of them.
2 Comments
Posted on October 22, 2006 by Elaine
psat and band tournament
mood: devil annoyed
music: Muy Carinioso - Mediterranean Nights

Woke up at 640 this morning. PSATs! Got to school at 730ish and waited outside the gates with Erin, Jayne, and Di. Started the test at 8ish. It was...better than I'd expected. I already know of two problems that I've gotten wrong, but that's okay. The writing skills section was awesome because I'm super pro at that stuff. Er, I hope I wasn't overly cocky during the test, though. The math...wasn't as bad as I'd expected. I actually finished all the problems except for two multiple choice ones that I had no idea about, yay! Critical reading was all right. I really hope I at least improved from what I got last year, even if it's only by two points or something.

After the test, we walked to Sushi Boy and had a yummy Japanese lunch. Yay, salmon! dorkygrin Was tasty, and we had fun. Then Kelli dropped us off at school and we volunteered for the band tournament my school is hosting. It was hot, but that's okay. Jayne put caution tape all over herself, along with a "No Smoking" sign that I drew, and I told her she could be Cautionman. I wrote "Flammable!" and "Touch Me!" and "You know you want this" with an arrow pointing to her crotch and laughed a lot.

When we went to get sodas and say hi to Beth (Erin's mom), she and the band moms freaked. Blah blah inappropriate blah blah not right blah blah. One asked if Jayne knew what it meant. The fuck? I felt really bad because they were scolding her for what I'd done. I got really annoyed, too. Parents like that really bug me. I don't know. It really bugged me that they were scolding her for something like that. I don't think it's right for parents to tell a kid that's not theirs what to do. It's just ridiculous. I also hate people who are like "Oh, it offends me when you swear" or like make innuendo jokes. Fucking get over it. Annoy, okay. Offend? Whatever. It's not like it hurts them in any way. Derogatory terms like "fag"? Yeah, that's offensive. Being offended by "you know you want me"? What, does sex offend you? Not like you never had it, god.

Funny how a lot of the same people are "offended" by any mention of homosexuality, not to mention anyone so inclined. Yesterday, actually, I was semi-lecturing Erin and Kelly about things like the word "fag" and the whole "OMG, how gay" thing. I was telling them that I don't like Jake anymore because I heard him say "fag". I don't know. It's not only rude, but also rude and offensive. I think I hate it coming out of middle schoolers the most. It really depresses me how society's raised them to say such hateful things while acting like they're so cool to be doing so. I was telling Erin and Kelly, you wouldn't say "That's black" whenever your teacher gave you a detention or "You're so black" when your friend is acting stupid, right? Because then you'd be a racist.

I think I never liked Mr. Antenore more than that day he gave us that lecture about never wanting to hear "That's gay" ever being spoken in his classroom.

I have to go back to school to volunteer AGAIN, but I really don't want to. I hate peer pressure. I'm way too nice for my own good.
10 Comments
Posted on October 21, 2006 by Elaine
just a daaaay, just an--ordinary day
mood: tensed okay but busy
music: Bent - Matchbox Twenty

I have the greatest friends in the entire world.

At break:
Jayne: That's because Elaine has Mark's semen in her mouth.
Everyone: OHHHHHHH!
Maggie: Whatever, Jayne, you have Michael Embree's!
Everyone: OHHHHHHH!
Diana: Haha, Maggie, good one!
Maggie: Hey, you have Patrick Sears's!
Everyone: OHHHHHHH!
Me: Cough Priyam cough!
Everyone: OHHHHHHH!

star

On the way to Orch, Erin and I talked about how most of our conversations (us amphitheater kids) involve us making fun of each other, and how most of our conversations (Erin and I) involve her making fun of me, heh. dorkygrin

I fell asleep doing my prelab and so I was almost half an hour late for my Bio lab! Mother completely forgot about it, too. Aah! Since Kelly had already joined a group of six, I joined Mark's group. Aw, Venadies are so nice. Hotaru said I was smart (!!!); also, when they were gathering at a desk while I stayed at the lab table trying to answer the questions on the previous lab, she asked me if I wanted any of the food they were sharing. That was nice. happy They kind of disagreed a lot and yet seemed so cohesive, if that makes any sense. I wonder if outsiders see us like that? I wish we could all be in a class together. That would be so much fun. They're lucky because they all take the same things. We're so...diverse, haha. I'm hoping for Physics but it'd be folly to count on it.

Heh. Folly. I've been waiting to use that word all day.

I'm kind of worrying about the PSATs but not really. I don't think I'll even be able to manage a 200; my practice tests have been so absymal so far. Damn, I really am crap at math. Oh, and I'm volunteering for the Marching Band Field Tournament that my school is hosting. Hopefully I'll get to work with Jayne and Kelly!

Today the first stand guys in Orch were dumb again. They laughed at me when I was singled out to demonstrate how to play something. I'm not upset because of that, but because of the fact that they laugh at everyone. So much for setting good examples. Also, I was annoyed because one of them said all rudely, "Your bow's too tight." I should've said thank you, but... I don't know. They bother me. It was nice when Jayne and Diana offered to go beat them up for me. And how Mark was indignant on my behalf. Friends = ¢¾ happy

Mag and I are vaguely talking about religious stuff and it's cute.
3 Comments
Posted on October 19, 2006 by Elaine
republicans and bio teachers
mood: undecided okay
music: Suavemente - Elvis Crepo biggrin

I got an A on the Yellow Raft paper I wrote last time, what? I thought that I'd done terribly, but wow, I guess not. Also, today my new partner and I got up to the second court. w00t. In Spanish we were practicing requests and Kelly made me run around the classroom counting in Chinese. Aah!

In US History we compared World War I with the war in Iraq. We discussed the lack of public support for the Iraq war and Bush's low ratings. Erin, who's family is firmly Republican and who is quite touchy about politics, got really mad. I felt really sorry for her and gave her a big hug. I may disagree with nearly all her ideas/opinions, but I know what it's like to get really angry at a class/teacher/person (haha, teachers aren't people!) for something that other people might find completely inoffensive. Once Mrs. Kustin-Mager said that "fag" wasn't a bad word but only an impolite one, and I got really pissed off. "Faggot" is just as bad as that derogatory term that begins with an N that nobody but stupid teenagers use. But not everyone sees it that way. Sigh, the problem with Erin is that she's very sheltered, and she just kind of absorbs what her parents tell her without thinking about the other side, checking out other POVs. It's not completely her fault. What I've always admired about Jayne is that while her family is Catholic, she didn't just accept that. She took initiative, read The Bible, and came up with her own opinion. Now that's something you don't see everday.

On a less serious note... At the Bio lab today, Mr. Jacobs asked if anyone wanted any of the leftover cotton balls. (He had like seven bags of them.) I instantly raised my hand and went over to get them. At first he handed me an open one, then exchanged it for another, saying, "Oh, here's an unopened one." So I took it. And turned it right-side-up. And all the cotton balls promptly flew out of the bag and all over the floor. He turned around to see me sitting amidst a sea of cotton balls and was like, "Oh no, what happened?" Sheepishly, I defended myself: "You said it was unopened!" He laughed and said, "Oh, did I? Oops." Oh, I adore him!

Today Mother took me to Barnes & Noble and I bought four new books. I'm really looking forward to reading them. I miss the days when homework could be completed within fifteen minutes and the rest of the day spent reading a book. Sigh.

Also, I'm going to miss long days and late evenings when Daylight Savings Time ends. Did you know that it was put into use in World War I to conserve energy?
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Posted on October 18, 2006 by Elaine
busy weekend yay
mood: angel pleased
music: Best Looking Guy In Town - Natural Born Hippies

Busy weekend!

Friday afternoon I bought my Homecoming ticket and then promptly lost my newly-bought ASB card on the way to the aquatic center, where I wait for my ride. The situation was so ridiculous that I cried in anger. I had owned the card for only two days previously. So stupid, gah. Now I have to go in again and be like, "Uhh, remember me? I'm that girl who came in early last week for an ASB card. Uhh. I kind of lost it already." bored

Went to Homecoming football game later that night. Everyone (plus Duy) but Kristine was there, so that was pretty fun (it would've been better with her, though!). It started pouring like mad mid-game, so I huddled with Kelly under her umbrella. Then I danced with Mag and Jayne, yay! Dayum, Mag can shake it! Talked to Mark for a bit which was nice. Diana and Jayne sang "big vagina" and "big cock" over the band music but he remained oblivious through most of it, hahahah. After the game, stayed to hang out with Erin and Jayne. Acted like a ditz around Mr. V; I hope he doesn't think I'm really dumb now! Went to sleep a midnight. What a miracle! good

I woke up a million times on Saturday. My body/brain's so accustomed to sleeping for five hours that I woke up at five in the morning. Went back to sleep but ended up waking up every hour. sneer Picked Kelly up at 745 and then went to the Homecoming dance, yay! Jayne and I had Subway sandwiches in the lounge before heading down the dance floor, hehe. Devastated and angry because I got tapped on the shoulder for freak dancing. What I was doing was nothing compared to some of the other girls, but noooo, it just had to be me. And it couldn't have been some security guy who tapped me; it just had to be the principal! Gah. That made me even more against this new "no freaking" rule at our school that's supposedly going to be super enforced from now on. The Welcome Back Dance was way more fun than this; we were allowed to do whatever then. They're stupid if they think this is going to make more people want to go school dances because they'll feel more "comfortable". It's just going to deplete them of the crowd they got last year.

On a brighter note, I got to slow dance with Jayne twice. Superman and I Don't Want to Miss a Thing! I was super excited about the latter because now I have a memory associated with it. (The other is of how it played after dancing with Michael, of being in bliss yet kind of jealous/angry because he asked Amanda without hesitation and only agreed to dance with me because my friends were annoying him.) I'm glad she and Michael are the only ones I've danced with. It wouldn't mean the same if I'd danced with others, yeah?

Disneyland yesterday, yes!!! Called up Jayne last minute to invite her because we had an extra ticket, heh. Met Kristine, Amanda M., and Duy at the park. Mag and I went through the line to get into Disneyland twice, since we were trying to save a place for those of us who were buying tickets. (We, along with Di, Erin, Kelly, and now Amanda, have annual passports.) Since they took a while, we stood at the front of the line and let the people behind us go in before us. So when they met up with us, I asked this guy who looked nice (appearances can be deceiving! devil) if we could slip in before him because we had been waiting for a while and had already gone through the line twice. He just flat out said no. Disappointed and annoyed, I turned around to complain to my friends that we had already gone through the stupid line twice! (And it was a lengthy line.) So this bastard says, out of nowhere, "If you have a problem with me, go talk to the management. Don't you dare talk back to me." Scared shitless and really annoyed, I nervously snapped (haha, what a paradox) back a "We weren't talking about you" and then went to the back of the line again. I despise people like that who act like it's a matter of morals and that people who save spots for friends are rude. God, whatever, get over it. It's not about morals/impoliteness, it's about you being an impatient little shit. What fucking bullshit.

Matterhorn is closed for renovations and Kristine and I missed Big Thunder Railroad because I wanted a Sprite and she wanted a churro, poop. Jayne and I shared a turkey leg for lunch and I talked to Amanda M. briefly about her cousin's funny name. Space Mountain twice, hooray! The second time I looked adorable in my picture, hee. We made Kelly do a "Don't do drugs" sign. Went on Screamin', yay! Kelly went on it, too! Now Erin has to. I'll bet you twenty dollars that Mag will play the "It's my birthday; come on!" card to make her go on it the next time we go, haha. Jayne and I had a great time; I screamed my lungs out the entire time without a single pause and she laughed at me the entire time. It was great. We did Haunted Mansion this time for the new decorations, and it was hilarious. Mag screamed half the time. Oh, and Peter Pan was really cute, too! Put my arms up in the air for Indiana and yelled at Mag for doing her hair the entire time. I did Tower of Terror again, though I was so scared. Not as bad as I remembered, though, w00t. Well, not as long, anyway.

When we came out of the Golden Screams thingy, the Cars Pre-Parade was going on! I was so excited OMGDJSF:Dkj;!!!! Lightning and Mater were sexylicious! Luckily, I got a few pics in before the battery of my camera ran out. I hope Mag doesn't forget to send me the pics she took. Kristine and Amanda M. watched Fantasmic! while the rest of us had dinner. Hooray for clam chowder bread bowls. "Wee-wee sucker" was repeated throughout the waiting line/meal. Jayne's dad (with his sexy voice) called and Diana called him by Kelly's dad's name, haha! Then Duy threw his tray into the trashcan, NON-plastic plates and all, haha! It was hilarious.

Jayne slept over because Mother invited her to lunch. Yay, sushi! After we dropped her off I slept for four hours.

And now for an extremely stressful week from hell. Hip, hip, hooray. I do love my three-day weekends, though! happy
2 Comments
Posted on October 16, 2006 by Elaine
angry day and stupid fucking redundant argument
mood: mad fucking angry/crying
music: Doc At Willy's Butte - Cars

Today was crap.

My orchestra sucks. The first stand guys infuriate me. Our Concertmaster, is always complaining about his solo, whining when Mr. V asks him to play something, and talking to the second chair. Today, Mr. V asked the Second Violins (my section) to play something and then asked as what we did wrong. I said that our playing was "kind of dragging". The Concertmaster really rudely laughed and said, "Hah, kind of?!" and I gritted my teeth. Also, the two of them are always laughing when other people/sections play and aren't in perfect tune/rhythm/style/etc. And the third chair is cute, but kind of weird; he keeps giving me these looks and ignoring what I say whenever I tell him that I don't need one of the books that he's passing out. Today Lala said that she didn't like music and it was kind of sad.

I got mad in U.S History, too. I can't stand the people in that class. They're mean in that really dumb way; like, their stupidity is the kind where they don't know any better. Also, I've caught a cold of some kind, and felt really miserable sniffling throughout the entire test.

Bio was kind of fun, though; Kelly, Anderson, and I talked about PV and stuff. I felt funny gushing about Michael in front of him.

--

Last time I said that "if I'm lectured" one more time about my blog, I'd do something drastic. Well. I haven't been lectured--not directly, anyway--and I'm just as angry. So I think that if I hear about one more argument/complaint about me blogging publicly and how everyone can read this thing and people can get hurt and I should use LJ and friendlock everything, I'm going to move again. And this time I'll go back to my old cowardly ways and won't tell anyone the URL. I've done people the kindness of leaving out names when I complain about them, if we aren't close. I miss writing whatever the hell I wanted to in my journal.

It's kind of funny, like, people used to complain about me being too arrogant, then too insecure, and now too hypocritical. But you know what? I've fucking had it with everyone. You said I was too arrogant and vain, so I tried to tone it down and then began to doubt myself and everything I did. You said I was so insecure that it was annoying so I tried to see my good qualities and take people's praise to heart. Now, apparently I'm just a hypocritical bitch who's so lazy she just sits on her ass and complains and refuses to take action? Well. Okay. I'm really happy with myself now, so while I'm not necessarily over caring (nobody can change that much), I'm over caring so much about it that I have to change myself so that people like me better. So hypocritical!Elaine shall remain hypocritical!Elaine, and if you don't agree, then maybe we aren't meant to be friends.

I removed the link to this site from my AIM profile. Mark and Jayne argued about me and how I complained about people on a site that people could easily see. He always uses that argument. Always. And you know what? I've taken it off Myspace. I took it off my profile. But then he made me put it back because he wanted to read it but didn't know the URL. So this time, I don't care. I took it off and I'm going to leave it off.

Why I don't just friendlock everything:
1) That would be like giving in. I have this weird complex where I giving into people kills me.
2) I find it cowardly.
3) Nobody is compelled to read this.
4) The only things I friendlock are like things about crushes or something, where I mention specific events or names.
5) I don't mention people's names when I complain about them. I do them this courtesy.

I'm so tired of this argument; I don't understand why it keeps being brought up. I suppose both sides are to blame. Sure, I still complain about things randomly. But you know what? Maybe I just want to see where I stand with everyone. Who will support me, who won't. Who finds friendship more important, who finds morals more important. Who is double-faced, who is rational. Who is fair, who isn't. Who likes me better... Who doesn't. Maybe I'm just trying to fill in gaps of conversation. Maybe I'm just trying to tell people things I think about, things that happen to me, before I blog them. Everyone's always like, "Oh, Elaine, it's so depressing that I tell you everything and then I have to find out about stuff from your blog". Yeah, well, maybe there's a REASON for that. Maybe I don't talk about my day, complain about people, etc. because I know how others will react and I don't want to deal with that shit.

I think that it's ironic that sometimes people who like to argue are terrible at it. They end up having to repeat their arguments too much. Apparently I'm "constantly" complaining about a certain someone. Uh, hello? Talk about being stuck in the past. The last time I devoted a paragraph to her was when I was looking through my yearbook and saw what she wrote for me; I commented about feeling happy, guilty, scorn because I was nothing special to her, jealous because she's so popular, and then indifference because all that stuff is in the past. I don't think that's "constantly complaining".

Friends bother me sometimes, but I suppose everyone's do. Sure, I'm pretty double-faced. But the difference between me and you is that I'm not afraid to admit to it. I'm hypocritical? Okay. I know it, I admit it, I'm nothing but a hypocritical, whiny, jealous bitch who tries to fool herself by finding flaws in the people I envy. What are you all?

The most important element of friendship is understanding.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Two wrongs don't make a right. Two wrongs don't make a right.

I'm not even going to proofread this, because it'd just make me too angry. I think I'm going to go rant in a journal entry. One that NOBODY CAN READ, so that you lot will get over yourselves.

I hope that this weekend will be much better than today.
6 Comments
Posted on October 12, 2006 by Elaine
brokeback
Looking at Brokeback screencaps and reading reviews on Amazon.

Jack and Ennis's story makes you want to believe in The One.
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Posted on October 9, 2006 by Elaine
material girl
mood: sad stressed out and disappointed
music: Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden

Went shopping at South Coast yesterday and got four new shirts, a pair of earrings, a necklace, and silver eyeshadow. Delighted. It's so pathetic, but it makes me so happy when Diana compliments my outifts. She said she likes the way I'm dressing now. happy We talked on the phone for a bit today, which was nice, and made metaphors about people and cookies.

Was kind of depressed during classes today because I had an epiphany this weekend/today. I keep trying to fool myself so that I'll be motivated to do my very best, but I'm really nothing compared to the Venadies. Beating their scores doesn't really make a difference, except in my fucked up head. It doesn't make me better than them. It doesn't change anybody's perceptions of me. It doesn't do shit, except make my ego soar and me feel happy and triumphant. I thought that I was so great at the PSATs but a hell of a lot of people did way better than me. Plus, I've been doing practice tests and my scores have been abysmal. Significantly lower than what I got last year.

Elaine F. got 203 and she called it low. After that, I kind of felt like shit. Also, Jenny's GPA is 4.5 something?! That is so far from mine that I don't even want to think about it. Mark's brag-sheet is so chock-full of stuff that he had to figure out which font would allow him to fit it all on one page. Mine just looked pretty. Apparently some people are really trying to blow up their acheivements/make up stuff to impress colleges. That disgusts me. It's one thing to wish you had more stuff to put on there, but it's another completely to put things that don't really deserve recognition, things that everyone else could put. If I worked in a college admissions office I would definitely disapprove.

Stop comparing yourself to others, Elaine. Yeah, well. Tell that to the college admissions offices.

I fell asleep for three hours today. I think I'm going to be up until four doing Bio. I wish I could actually be as happy about awesome Bio score as I act like I am around my family.

--

Just a material girl living in a material world, trying to be something that she's not.

--

Jess wants to take Mother to Rowland Heights for dinner tomorrow since it is her birthday. I feel terrible because I don't have a card and/or gift; also, I don't think that I can go because I have to do homework.

We got a new seating chart in U.S. and I hate my seat. She watches me like a hawk the entire time. Oh well. I don't care all that much; I'm still going to do the homework for all my other classes in that class.

I'm thinking of taking P.E. next semester instead of senior year.
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ambition for recognition
You would have fit well in Ravenclaw, if you weren't so eager for recognition as well. That ambition to be known for the development and application of your talents is what sets you apart from the scholars, I think.
- Wicked Game II

Hmm. See any similarities, anyone?
0 Comments
Posted on October 5, 2006 by Elaine
and there were januaries spent in bliss
mood: sad sad
music: Chocolate - Snow Patrol

all of these places / feel like home

My heart broke a little today when we passed by the classroom. So many great memories, fostered in that one little room. So little happened, and yet I always went home with my heart full and fit to burst. An arm on your chair, an extra smile thrown your way, a comfortable sharing of a single chair. And how I wished that it were real. We have lost so much. I have lost so much.

The emptiness makes me feel numb.

Harwood liked my critical review a lot, thank god. I worked on thing for so long. I'm glad that the hard work I put into school actually pays off. Maybe I'm not as smart as him or her or her or him or him or her but I mean, I try really hard. Who else takes hours writing up AP Bio notes and actually studies for U.S. History and Spanish? And stays up until two in the morning working on homework, and not because of procrastination?

Everyone made fun of my lisp today, haha. It makes me feel good that they can exaggerate without me feeling like shit. I told Jayne and Erin that I'm sometimes weirded out/annoyed by compliments if they come too quickly and in abundance at me (which explains the aversion to suitors--heh, suitors) but am used to friends making fun of me so I don't mind it. It... It makes it all the nicer when they support me, because I don't expect it of them.

I did well on the U.S. History test. For the short answer questions I wrote so much! I hope it's okay. I keep asking questions now. I think she likes me. Not as much as Erin or Mariah, since they answer questions and stuff, but even though I don't participate she knows my grade, I suppose. Why else would she have let my forgetting-to-bring-my-notebook-on-notebook-collecting-day go and give me full points? (I seem to be liking rhetorical questions today.)

Today I watched this flash movie on hospital visitation rights. It's like three seconds; watch it!!! It really depressed me.

I took a nap for a long time today, and briefly discussed evolution with Mom(that's so weird to type) and Jess. The Time magazine topic story (what's it called again?) is on the whole how we evolved from apes and stuff. Mom told me to read it and tell her about it. I asked her if she believed it and she very firmly said yes. I asked Jess and she said, "Of course; it's science." And I asked, "So you would believe anything science and scientists said?" And she said yes. She's twelve years old. That was pretty interesting. I remember it was REALLY interesting when Mom and I were discussing Christianity's perception of heaven/hell and she asked what we were talking about. I explained it to her, and then she instantly was like, "That's so stupid! How could anyone believe that?!" And she was what, ten? And that was without any anti-religious indoctrination on our behalf or anything. Like I said, she didn't even know about it until then. It was just, wow.

Mark knows my student number now and it really bugs me. I hate all this "everyone knowing everyone else's grades without asking" thing the Venadies have going on. It's unnerving and now I'm going to feel like I have to work even harder so he doesn't look down on me or some shit.

I'm glad that tomorrow is Friday but these weeks are passing by so quickly. The PSATs are coming up so I'm going to do workbooks with Jayne and practice tennis with Diana. (That sentence didn't really make sense. Oh well.) Oh man, I sucked at tennis today. I was all dejected, haha.

I need to write. Badly. Everyone asked me to edit stuff last week and that makes me happy. Diana said I'm "not as smart as Kelly but still smart" which was kind of insulting and yet complimentary (coming from Diana) at the same time. Odd. I wish I could just let it go.
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Posted on October 5, 2006 by Elaine
flaky friends and stuff
mood: grin annoyed

It's kind of funny. When you complain about someone, everyone always reacts differently, depending on who you're complaining about. It's like everyone is a flake. It's funny.

Got excited and complained about somebody, and everyone reacted differently. Maybe not so much as complain, really. More like, regaled a tale because the only thing I said that wasn't part of the story was, "And I was like dude, oh my gosh! Isn't that mean?!"

There are always those friends who will support you and even if they don't agree, they try to see your side of the matter and admit you are right in some aspects. Then there are those friends who just loyally support you and are on your side no matter what the situation is. These are the most dependable to talk to. Then there are those friends who vehemently agree with you when somebody actually does something rude/mean/bitchy and just ignore it whenever you totally melodramaticizing over nothing. These friends make you happy when they agree with you. Then there are those friends who act all rational when it's about somebody that they like and then turn right back around and irrationally bitch about somebody else (whom you may or not like). These are the flakiest and worst to talk to. Then there are those friends who try to rationalize everybody's actions. These aren't so great to complain to either, because you just end up feeling like a total bitch yourself, which doesn't help.

Okay. Just had to get that out of my system.

Is the disclaimer not extremely sexy? If I'm lectured ONE MORE TIME for expressing my own thoughts on my JOURNAL that I PAY TO HAVE that just HAPPENS to be on the Internet, I am going to just snap and do something drastic. If anyone reading this is going to get angry if I say what I feel here, then LEAVE. If you have a problem with me openly expressing my thoughts, then LEAVE. If you have any other objections about me or this site, LEAVE. I don't blog for anyone but myself. That said, thanks a billion to those who support me on this. If I said "Bless you", I would say it now. ♥

Now back to trying to sleep again.
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Posted on October 4, 2006 by Elaine
triumph and parents
mood: happy okay
music: Are You Gonna Be My Girl - Jet

Triumph. My AP Bio grade is higher than my regular U.S. History grade. The hell?! I'm doing crazily awesome in that class. So great that I did like three double-takes (sex-a-takes? Heh) when I saw the gradesheet. Dude. I haven't gotten a grade like that since like what, my fourth grade days? It's awesome. It still awes me. I hope that I don't bomb this next test. I thought that I did really bad on the quiz two classes previous, but I got full points, what? I'm doing better than some Venadies--score! To be honest, their "competition" doesn't motivate me much anymore. I think I'm the closest to "not caring" as I'll ever be (which is not that close, but...yeah, haha). But I'm trying really hard to rally myself into caring enough about them to want to beat them because I really want my grades to be fantastic-al this year! I'm off to such a good start; it'd be such a shame for things to go downhill. [crosses fingers] happy

Also, Melissa and I got into the second court for the Tennis ladder tournament today! Last time we were in last place. I was able to hit a lot of balls today; that made me happy. Perhaps I'm not as athletically challenged as I'd thought I was. And I'm actually having fun. Jess explained to me all the point stuff and scoring and it really helps when Melissa calls out the score, haha. She complimented me a lot today and said I improved a lot. I'm really proud of myself. happy Maybe I'm not so hopeless after all!

Dad told Mom (yeah, I'm going to go with the familiar pronouns now... Unless I get mad at them, I guess) that he hoped that I wouldn't go back to the East Coast for college because he would worry a lot about me. That really warmed my heart. It's amazing how we barely talk--he barely knows me, what I'm really like--but we can still love each other. It's kind of funny. I didn't think I would get that "OMG parent-child-relationships are sacred" epiphany until maybe after college. I guess that with graduation so close--I don't care what they say, two years is so short--I'm subconsciously realizing that I'd better buck up and appreciate my family daily while I still can.

I'm nervous because we have sectionals again tomorrow, and as the leader of the second violins, I had to figure out what we're going to work on tomorrow. Last time, Mr. V said that I was a "MVP Section Leader" or something because I did a really good job directing them. I glowed with praise. Praise from music teachers has always made me so happy, since it's not exactly my forte, ya know? I feel so bad, haha; I'm so terrible at sight reading so when we kind of sight read something on Friday, I was flailing and had no idea where we were and if I was doing something wrong or the rest of the Orchestra was. I'm so not used to not having someone to look to for bowings or listen to for where we are. This is going to make me a much better player, though; I'm practicing every other night! Compared to like, only the night before a concert, hahah.
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Posted on October 3, 2006 by Elaine
mother
mood: cry sad
music: Chocolate - Snow Patrol

I think that Mother is a stronger woman than I could ever be. She is so good at coping with the terrible situations that she is so unluckily put in. If I were her, I would've snapped a long time ago.

Today Father called while she was driving me home. She has that crazy Bluetooth-car-cell-phone thing so I heard their entire conversation. He'd called because she'd called earlier when he was talking to someone and was asking if something was wrong. She'd called him because my aunt had told her that he had gone to the Bakery looking for her, and was asking if anything was wrong. Haha. Anyway, at the end of the conversation, she said, "Hey, come home on Friday night, okay?"

How ridiculous that sounds, right? Wives tell their husbands to come home earlier, not... Not "come home". He asked why. WHY. I thought that she was planning some crazy party or something, but she said "It's the Moon Festival." And he said okay.

Here I was, sitting in the backseat of the car, already feeling depressed by what I'd heard. But then it struck me... Why would she tell him to come home earlier on Friday today--it's only Monday! Couldn't she just tell him later?

And then I realized... She doesn't fucking see him until Friday--if he even remembers about Friday. Usually she doesn't see him until Saturday night. That thought was what made tears well up in my eyes. They've been fucking married for twenty-five years (this year was their silver year), and she sees him twice a week. And it's not even every week of the year!

It's fucking bullshit, and it makes me cry to think of Mother after Jessica and I leave for college. Mother, lonely and friendless, a complete hermit, spending her days gardening, playing piano, and regretting the past. Mother, sitting alone at the dinner table at fifty-five because her husband is a workaholic and only sees her once every two months, for only a week at a time. Mother, crying because she's found out that she has developed a cancer, and she has no idea how to contact her husband and tell him, because she doesn't have the number of his phone in China and he only calls her once every three weeks. Mother, alone in a big empty house because the people she's given her life for, the people that she loves more than anyone in the world are too busy for her. Mother, sick with sadness and loneliness and wistful wishes, because Father is swamped with dealing with his two major international businesses, Jessica is busy studying for a teaching degree, and I'm directing major new animated kids' movie.

I really hope that things will turn out okay for her, because she really, really deserves it.
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Posted on October 2, 2006 by Elaine
cells
Michael's cell is in his AIM profile.

I used to know that number by heart. I used to know it better than my own.

Just in case, you know?
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Posted on October 1, 2006 by Elaine
lazy sunday
mood: grin not wanting to go back to school
music: Shame - Matchbox Twenty

Jayne's mom bought me this awesome Cars lunch box, and now I can put all my Cars stuff in it when the maids come over instead of cramming them onto my makeup table slash bookshelf! Super neat.

I finished Cannery Row, which was pretty good. It was pretty funny reading a story with a Doc and a Mack. CARSSSSSSS!!!! Anyway. Man, Steinbeck is a genius at imagery and character development. And at the same time, his writing is hardly stuffy. Now I remember why I liked his writing so much in The Grapes of Wrath. Reminder to self: buy a bunch of his other books the next time I'm at Barnes & Noble. happy

I finally put up Papercolors today! Yay. I really like the format I decided on, though making thumbnails of everything took forever. They look really nice, though. I need to make more graphics. Damn school. I still need to finish Ellipsis, heh. The layout there is ingenious as well. biggrin

This has been a nice, relaxing weekend. Sometimes I just need that time a lone. These times seem rarer and rarer as years go by, though. I haven't been bored enough to look at things I can't buy on Sephora/Wet Seal/Forever 21 in what feels like an eternity. Speaking of eternity, I never did get around to writing that entry for that contest. Failure, much? At least I'm getting A's in school. I suppose the progress report that is supposed to be coming this week will compensate a little.

Kristine said that I should be an editor, and I (and Mark and I as well) told her that I really wish that I had joined Journalism. My previously discarded dreams of being an editor for some big-time company seem to be coming back to haunt me. Maybe there's still hope. Maybe there isn't. Maybe I want it. Maybe I don't. I don't know. I hate thinking about the future.

Still need to read/study Bio material and practice violin. Mark was talking about the National Merit Scholarship thing for the PSAT and it made me sad. I wish I had a chance at that kind of thing. I found my PSAT scores and was disappointed. Delusionial, I had remembered my scores being higher.

My ego would make the wildest roller coaster.

P.S. Why do I not have a link to my domain here? sneer
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Posted on October 1, 2006 by Elaine