mood: 
fucking angry/crying
music: Doc At Willy's Butte - Cars
Today was crap.
My orchestra sucks. The first stand guys infuriate me. Our Concertmaster, is always complaining about his solo, whining when Mr. V asks him to play something, and talking to the second chair. Today, Mr. V asked the Second Violins (my section) to play something and then asked as what we did wrong. I said that our playing was "kind of dragging". The Concertmaster really rudely laughed and said, "Hah,
kind of?!" and I gritted my teeth. Also, the two of them are always laughing when other people/sections play and aren't in perfect tune/rhythm/style/etc. And the third chair is cute, but kind of weird; he keeps giving me these looks and ignoring what I say whenever I tell him that I don't need one of the books that he's passing out. Today Lala said that she didn't like music and it was kind of sad.
I got mad in U.S History, too. I can't stand the people in that class. They're mean in that really dumb way; like, their stupidity is the kind where they don't know any better. Also, I've caught a cold of some kind, and felt really miserable sniffling throughout the entire test.
Bio was kind of fun, though; Kelly, Anderson, and I talked about PV and stuff. I felt funny gushing about Michael in front of him.
--
Last time I said that "if I'm lectured" one more time about my blog, I'd do something drastic. Well. I haven't been lectured--not directly, anyway--and I'm just as angry. So I think that if I hear about one more argument/complaint about me blogging publicly and how everyone can read this thing and people can get hurt and I should use LJ and friendlock everything, I'm going to move again. And this time I'll go back to my old cowardly ways and won't tell
anyone the URL. I've done people the kindness of leaving out names when I complain about them, if we aren't close. I miss writing whatever the hell I wanted to in my journal.
It's kind of funny, like, people used to complain about me being too arrogant, then too insecure, and now too hypocritical. But you know what? I've fucking had it with everyone. You said I was too arrogant and vain, so I tried to tone it down and then began to doubt myself and everything I did. You said I was so insecure that it was annoying so I tried to see my good qualities and take people's praise to heart. Now, apparently I'm just a hypocritical bitch who's so lazy she just sits on her ass and complains and refuses to take action? Well. Okay. I'm really happy with myself now, so while I'm not necessarily over caring (nobody can change
that much), I'm over caring so much about it that I have to change myself so that people like me better. So hypocritical!Elaine shall remain hypocritical!Elaine, and if you don't agree, then maybe we aren't meant to be friends.
I removed the link to this site from my AIM profile. Mark and Jayne argued about me and how I complained about people on a site that people could easily see. He always uses that argument.
Always. And you know what? I've taken it off Myspace. I took it off my profile. But then he made me put it back because he wanted to read it but didn't know the URL. So this time, I don't care. I took it off and I'm going to leave it off.
Why I don't just friendlock everything:
1) That would be like giving in. I have this weird complex where I giving into people kills me.
2) I find it cowardly.
3) Nobody is compelled to read this.
4) The only things I friendlock are like things about crushes or something, where I mention specific events or names.
5) I don't mention people's names when I complain about them. I do them this courtesy.
I'm so tired of this argument; I don't understand why it keeps being brought up. I suppose both sides are to blame. Sure, I still complain about things randomly. But you know what? Maybe I just want to see where I stand with everyone. Who will support me, who won't. Who finds friendship more important, who finds morals more important. Who is double-faced, who is rational. Who is fair, who isn't. Who likes me better... Who doesn't. Maybe I'm just trying to fill in gaps of conversation. Maybe I'm just trying to tell people things I think about, things that happen to me, before I blog them. Everyone's always like, "Oh, Elaine, it's so depressing that I tell you everything and then I have to find out about stuff from your blog". Yeah, well, maybe there's a REASON for that. Maybe I don't talk about my day, complain about people, etc. because I know how others will react and I don't want to deal with that shit.
I think that it's ironic that sometimes people who like to argue are terrible at it. They end up having to repeat their arguments too much. Apparently I'm "constantly" complaining about a certain someone. Uh, hello? Talk about being stuck in the past. The last time I devoted a paragraph to her was when I was looking through my yearbook and saw what she wrote for me; I commented about feeling happy,
guilty, scorn because I was nothing special to her, jealous because she's so popular, and then
indifference because all that stuff is in the past.
I don't think that's "constantly complaining".Friends bother me sometimes, but I suppose everyone's do. Sure, I'm pretty double-faced. But the difference between me and you is that I'm not afraid to admit to it. I'm hypocritical? Okay. I know it, I admit it, I'm nothing but a hypocritical, whiny, jealous bitch who tries to fool herself by finding flaws in the people I envy. What are you all?
The most important element of friendship is understanding.
Two wrongs don't make a right. Two wrongs don't make a right. Two wrongs don't make a right.
I'm not even going to proofread this, because it'd just make me too angry. I think I'm going to go rant in a journal entry. One that NOBODY CAN READ, so that you lot will get over yourselves.
I hope that this weekend will be much better than today.