Why do I try so hard to get good grades?

Because I feel worthless when I fail to meet my own standards.

Being confident is a little bit annoying, now. None of my achievements, none of my A's, feel like accomplishments anymore. I feel satisfied and glad but not excited and happy anymore. It makes me sad.

I looked at majors on some art college sites. I know I will probably end up doing one of them, but I somehow don't really want to do them. I don't want to teach English, either. Wouldn't it be convenient to die in college? Convenient, but stupid. You're over that shit, Elaine. Not really. But kind of. Okay.

I can see me in twenty years, graphic designing and cranky 24/7. I'll be a hermit, staying in my apartment on Friday and Saturday nights to write fanfiction for a bunch of fourteen-year-olds to read and eleven-year-olds to flame. Suffice to say, I'm not looking forward to becoming an adult.

I keep mixing up Arralee and Avanna in my story. That was stupid, picking two A names. But it would be so difficult to change their names now--they were created when I was twelve and have evolved so much and developed into such people that changing their names would be sacrilege, in a way. But damn, is it annoying.

Mark directed Mr. Jacobs to ask me for FTP help and I was so pleased but I could not help him. I was very sad. I had wanted to impress him.

It's odd not liking anyone.

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The other day, this one skater kid in my U.S. History class was like, "That's so GAY" and the teacher said exasperatedly, "I know." I remember doing the usual--stiffening, frowning, and glaring--but I just told myself that she was just annoyed at him. I forgot about it soon afterwards. After school, Kristine IMed me and said that she'd wanted to ask me after class if I was okay--because of that incident. She said that she had expected better from the teacher, who is a nice lady. Her concern was the nicest thing anyone had done for me in a long time. If that makes sense. The fact that she worried if I was all right when I myself forgot about the incident... It makes me feel really special.

I so failed my essay on Hemingway today. I don't think that I even answered the prompt correctly. Plus, I had trouble finding a synonym for the word "duty". Hemingway is an interesting author. He's so...terse. Plus his chicks are psycho. Thank god for SparkNotes because man, I am so bad at analysis. We had a discussion at break about his writing and it was interesting and cool. There should be a book club.

The Spanish presentation Kelly and I did was definitely a success, though. It was fun, plus everyone liked it and the food that we taught them how to make. Yay! Kelly was kind of the main star, and I'm not even jealous. I'm getting so good at this. It was interesting because I felt like I was tagging along-ish as I do with most of my friends, and it was okay. I can't explain it, but it was really okay.

So... When I was younger, I hated Taito. Well, not hated. Avoided at all costs. When I was still OMG TAIORA MIMATO TAKARI YAY ^__^ (haha... I still remember being sad that I couldn't be DAIKEN MIRA MIYAKARI YAY ^___^ because it was slash)--those days I got my sister into pairings, which is beyond weird to think about now--I was like "Hmm, Taichi/Yamato" and not "ewww boys together" at all (I honestly never had a sense of any vaguely homophobic feelings at all as a kid, for which I am utterly amazed at and very proud of) but more "Ehh, not attracted to it." When I started getting into yaoi, I avoided it a lot. It was just one of those boring best-friend pairings. Like Sirius/Remus or Harry/Ron. Ugh, boring. Or so I thought.

This past week, I have been rediscovering it. I cannot believe what silly little me missed out on, but I'm so glad because I get all this new material. It is beautiful. And the best-friend thing only makes it even more so. I've read some magnificent pieces. Man. I really love fanfiction. Like, unbelievably so. The only thing that is just as good as immersing myself into a gorgeous story is probably drowning in laughter with my friends. I get so lost in the stories I read. People are always saying they like to "lose themselves in books" and it sounds so stupid and fake, but it's so true. That's what happens to me whenever I stumble upon something good. Even wrenching myself away from the screen to go to the bathroom or to grab a bite to soothe my shouting stomach is painful. Fanfiction is really one of those things in my life that I don't know what I'd do without. It's right up there with friends, my computer, family, praise, happiness, and all that jazz. So hooray for fanfiction. Without it, I don't think I'd be the happy person that I am today. I'd probably also be even less cultured than I am now, heh. As if that were possible.

We watched Tuskeegee Airmen in U.S. It was a good movie. Depressing, yet uplifting. I really loathe discrimination.

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I think this horrid cold weather brings forth more reviewers.

*hugs* Wow this was good. :-D You are a very talented writer! I didn't think many others really like Doc/Lightning. You wrote their characters very well and I would like to see stories about these two from you :-)

Have any more ideas for this couple? ^_^ I can't wait to read more!

~Jenny~

Nobody I've heard from is satisfied with their SAT score yet. It saddens and frightens me. I hope that I will be satisfied. Knowing me I'll probably take it again just because I'm a goddamned perfectionist. I just registered for January and it took 38503982 hours. John is right. The ETS tries to confound us into paying them a shitload of money. Third most profitable non-profit organization? Freaking crazy. But I still think he's a maniac.

A cute, grammar-savvy maniac.

I need to do SAT class homework. ...And finish reading 200 pages of Hemingway. Oops. I kind of took a ten hour nap yesterday, from 430 in the afternoon to 245. Woke up for a bit and then slept at 4 ish. I felt so awake today that it wasn't even funny.

It's really, really cold in my room. Curse my beautiful blue walls and my room that never receives sunlight. I love the sunlight and despite this winter chill that deceives us with its brilliant sun and blue skies.

I feel like I have no hair. What a terrible time to cut it all off. I have lost a layer of warmth. Damn frozen fingers.

Today Kelly and I worked on our Spanish presentation! Her sister made me delicious hot chocolate and served as tasty chocolate wafers.

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IIIIIIII HAVE THE CHICK DIECAST AAAAAAH I FEEL SO FULFILLED

Can you tell I'm trying to avoid studying Bio? Gah.

6 Comments

mood: content
music: Me & U - Cassie

So... I just spent the last hour playing tennis with my family. Yep, I have a AP Biology test tomorrow. Am I crazy?

Maybe a little. But... It was my whole family. As in... Father came, too. It was the strangest thing, but...so nice. All four of us just rallied and it was really fun. We haven't done something like that since like... I can't even remember. I hope we'll be able to go again sometime.

So ya know what? If I fail this test because I missed out on an hour of studying... I'll bitch and whine and complain... But I hope that I will look back and remember this day, and forgive myself, because ultimately, family time means a lot more than one AP Bio test, yeah?

I have two bottles of Starbucks mocha frappuccino sitting on my desk, waiting for me. ...Let's go read some fanfiction!

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mood: not bad
music: Waiting On the World to Change - John Mayer

So yeah, I passed my Driver's Permit thing on Wednesday. I missed three, but I don't care. Diana narrowly passed by one and poor Amanda didn't. But they got way harder ones than I did. I think that I got the one that Jayne did 'cause it seemed really familiar. Heh. Lucky me. Oh well, at least Amanda's picture looks really pretty. I look oddly manly. But it's just the permit, so whatever. I'm just glad that I got that over with.

Afterwards, we went to Buca and played Twenty Questions while waiting for our food. After the meal, Amanda left and Jayne came. We wandered around TMP for a while and tried on atrocious shoes. Yay. Then Nina picked us up and we dropped Jayne off, but not before I gave her mom and Nina pumpkin pies. Then I went to Carter's with Nina and Diana to pick out stuff for her cousins. I bought the two cutest things ever:



Everything was half off in the store, so it only cost under ten dollars! So freaking cute.

Then Nina went to Ralphs to buy Thanksgiving salad supplies/ingredients while Diana and I shopped at Planet Beauty. She bought a pair of sunglasses and I bought some nail polish. Iridescent blue! Or, well... The bottle says "Sonic Bloom" but that's lame. Then we went to the cosmetics aisle at Ralphs and looked at stuff. I explained a bunch of makeup stuff to Di, haha. She was like, "Wow, you feel so smart for once, huh?" Hee.

Thanksgiving was pretty cool. Jess and I helped Mother prepare stuff for the first time in forever. Then little Mark's family came, as well as my aunt's family. And we ate. A lot. I love sushi! And turkey. And ham. And mashed potatoes and gravy. And Mother's special black pepper mushroom sauce. And yams. And salad. And carrots and dip. And rice noodles. And salsa and chips. And pumpkin pie. And cheesecake. And a bunch of other stuff I probably forgot. It was a very multicultural Thanksgiving. Oh man, now I'm hungry.

After I ate, I played SSBM and Mario Party 4 with Jess and little Mark. I also fiddled with his Nintendo DS. Wow, that sounded sexual. Anyway, it was fun.

On Friday, Mother took Jess and me to Boomers so I could practice driving but I still couldn't do it. Yep, burst out crying again. So fucking stupid. Jess sucked at it but it still didn't bring her down. The first time she went that day, she couldn't park it correctly either (like my first time). But she just laughed and then left it there. Why couldn't I be like that? I wish I were more like that. Then we went to Mervyns and I saw Mary and Kristin there. I asked Mary if she ate a lot on Thanksgiving and she was like, "Ew no, I don't want to get fat." And I was like, wow, what a loser. I hate girls like that. But more importantly, I bought MORE CARS DIECASTS OMFG. Check it out:





Afterwards, we went to Tropical Smoothie. I think I've been drinking Jamba Juice too much because the smoothie didn't taste as great as I remember it tasting. Oh well. Then Jess had a tennis lesson while I sat in the car and ate sushi and then slept. That night, we went to see Happy Feet. And by "we" I mean Mother, Jess, and I. Yeah, Father's home. Yeah, Mother told us, "He probably won't want to go, but if I say that I want to see it he'll go." Nope, he didn't go. He's really out of it nowadays. Actually, the first time we went the tickets were sold out so we saw our usual late-night showing. Came back home and asked Father if he wanted to join us. Still no. I mentioned my craving for Vietnamese food. He instantly wanted to go. So we went to Thanh and had a yummy dinner. Sigh. Like I told Mark when he asked in concern... I don't really care about his constant absence in my life unless I really think hard about it. But I try to avoid that at all costs because then I just get too sad.

I read Digimon fanfiction all that night and stayed up until 530 in the morning, oops. Heh. Woke up at 3 PM. Did some Bio. Read more Digimon fanfiction. Then Diana called and talked to me for a gazillion hours trying to avoid reading her Hemingway novel. Then I read some more. Mother came home at 730, which was REALLY unusual. We were supposed to go play tennis but Jess was glued to the television. She ended up sleeping at 10. I don't see Mother very often either. But at least... It bothers her, you know? And at least I talk to her. Anyway. I ended up staying up until 430 watching Digimon episodes. Yep, I'm rediscovering my luuuurve.

I was sad when Jess said that she didn't remember anything from it. I still remember the days when it was our life. I still have my fifth grade journal that talked about nothing but what episode was premiering that weekend and OMG marathon and pairings and fanfiction and all this cute stuff. It makes me sad that she doesn't remember that simple joy. But... It kinda makes me smile, the fact that I'm still kinda like that. I still get giddy over silly fandoms that others might scoff. Fandom stuff still makes me incredibly happy. I'm glad that I'm like that. I went through our old cabinets of VHS tapes and found my old recorded episodes. Thanks to the wonderful YouTube and the wonderful people who upload episodes of stuff on there, I don't have to watch VHS tapes, but it was just nice to hold them, remember them. I couldn't find the movie, though. It's confounding.

Anyway. This is going to be a really busy week. I have a Bio AND Spanish test tomorrow, two books due on Tuesday (I finished Down and Out in Paris and London but I still have to finish Hiroshima), a lab after school on Wednesday, and a Spanish presentation AND A Farewell to Arms due on Thursday. AAAAH! Plus I still have to finish SAT homework. AAAAAAAH! [cries]

Oh. Also, I got a haircut today.

Before:




After:




Okay, it's really just going to look the same as my usual hair tomorrow. Hairstyles that the salon people give you never last, anyway.

I secretly would like a new camera.

Oh, also. The layout. Like? Hope so. I spent forever working on this other layout, but then I couldn't figure out a good background color and a font. And you know me, I've gotta have everything absolutely perfect. So I hated it. But loved the image so much! Gah. Anyway. So I discarded it. But if you check out the Site page, you can check it out. Tell me what you think. Maybe I'll figure out what to do with it in a month or so. Anyway, this is the first time I've ever done a gradient background, so I hope that it looks okay. Resolutions larger than 1024 x 768 might mess it up, but...gah. My design skills are worn down at the moment and I'm too tired to do anything more with it.

Now off to studying. After I go play tennis. Oh, curse you, procrastination.

3 Comments

It amuses me how much Taito fans exaggerate the few fights that Yamato and Taichi had to make it all dramatic.

2 Comments

mood: hungry
music: Ocean Avenue - Yellowcard

Happy Thanksgiving!

I haven't eaten anything all day but a handful of Pirate's Booty.

SAT classes weren't bad, though I got a depressing 1870 on the first test. 550 on math. How depressing is that? I'd expected it but I was just trying to be pessimistic. I feel deflated, now. Diana laughed outright when I showed her my score sheet and seemed surprised that I'd done that "badly", which was depressing but nice at the same time 'cause I guess that means she thinks a little highly of me. Even Jayne couldn't help laughing when I told her my score.

Maybe I should stick to looking into art schools.

I'm glad Mother knows nothing about the SATs. She went around the Bakery asking everyone if they knew that 550 was good.

At least I got a 10 on the essay, I guess. 680 on grammar was nice, but 630 on reading just made me angry. What's happened to me since middle school to make me suck?

I have a crush on the English teacher at the Princeton Review, though. Well. He's just the kind of guy I'd want to marry if I had to marry someone. A total dork who is fun and makes me laugh. Plus, he admitted that he's a total grammar nerd. Heh. Also, the class isn't bad--well, if you don't count the whole two-months-of-no-hanging-out thing--because the teachers are pretty cool and we get a break where we can go outside. There's a lot of food in the plaza, so yeah. I like food.

Speaking of food, today is Thanksgiving. In U.S. History we had to write three cards to people that we were thankful for--I wrote six. Erin wrote a really sweet one to me. I wrote one to Kristine even though she doesn't really hang out with us anymore. She looked happy, so I guess I wasn't being too much of a loser.

I am thankful for my continual happiness, for my health, for my house. For my friends and my family. For my family having enough money to live comfortably. For the income I earned during the summer. For my love of writing, for my love of webdesigning--because they make me feel that wonderful feeling of accomplishment and being appreciated unlike anything else in my life. I am thankful for being hardworking--if I weren't, I wouldn't have any straight A's or 100.7s or 98.5s to brag about. I am thankful for my perpetual perkiness and my knowing how to have fun and my talent for listening to others because without them, I would not have any friends. I am thankful for what looks I have and what brains I possess. I am thankful for my talent for endurance, which helps me when my friends pelt me with insults and when Mother or Jessica yells at me.

I am thankful for my never-ending love of fandoms--just today, I watched at least seven episodes of Digimon, my beloved fifth grade obsession. I am thankful for my reviewers for boosting my self-confidence when I needed it. I am thankful for tolerating--if not accepting--friends who oppose homosexuality and GLBT rights in every way, but remain close friends with me nonetheless, even though I openly champion GLBT rights. I am thankful for supporting friends who may shout at me to shut up when I complain about test scores, but who encourage me to stand up against people, who feel sorry for me at the right times, who try to cheer me up when I'm angry or upset, who convince me that I'm not completely worthless. I am thankful for fun friends who make me scoff those suicidal/angsty moments and who make me believe that life is worth living.

I am thankful for learning to appreciate my family and realizing that I will miss them an awful lot when I go off to college. I am thankful for Cars bringing my sister and I so close together--we have gone from rarely ever speaking to one another despite always being home together to Mother having to yell "Jessica! Stop talking to your sister and go to sleep!"

I am thankful for becoming even closer to my friends. I am thankful for the Internet, for my beautiful laptop, for my iPod, for my camera, for my clothes, for my makeup, for my jewelry. I am thankful for being able to go shopping, for being able to go to Disneyland, for being able to get an education at a school in Irvine.

I am thankful for many things.

I am thankful that I am thankful not only on this day of thanks, but year-round.

And this year, I have learned to be thankful for being just the way I am.

P.S. I am also thankful that I passed my Driver's Permit test yesterday! But more about that after the dinner adventure I am about to embark on.

4 Comments

Seventh-grade-Elaine:



How on earth did Michael not fall in love with that?

3 Comments

mood: content
music: All I Need - Matchbox Twenty

Not a bad day. After school, Mother got pissed at me because I didn't have my phone and couldn't reach her (her cell was off) but let me go hang out with Erin and Jayne anyway. We went to Sushi Boy and insulted me (everyone's favorite pasttime, yay!). Then they took me to Trader Joe's (my first time, heh) and then Erin treated us to Starbucks. Yay! Good times.

My friends are the bestest! Diana bought me this Cars plate with Lightning, Mater, and Doc on it , two ducky candles, and a mini rubber duck toy; Erin got me this uber cool Lightning memo notebook. For no reason at all!

Watched a school play with Diana and Kelly; wasn't really all that impressed. It was supposed to be a comedy but some of it was kind of ridiculous or just...not funny, haha. Well, at least the set was lovely. I don't know if it's the fact that our most talented actors graduated last year or the not-so-captivating plot (or perhaps a little of both), but I didn't think it was all that great. A couple of the actors, though--damn good eye candy, man. Heh.

Afterwards, Nina took Di and me to Thai Spice to see Aimi again. Yay! Was kinda nervous about Mother getting mad because I'd told her that I didn't need dinner, but I got home before she did. She still hasn't said anything to us, though. I'm not sure what's up with her these past few days--she's barely said anything. Hrm. I hope everything is okay.

Today, Amanda asked me to help her figure out how to tell her mom about her boyfriend and I was kind of pleased. She talks to me about some of the more major arguments between she and Duy, but a lot of the times when I ask her how everything is, she just kinda stays closed. I try--I do, but I... sadly enough, I don't know her well enough to know whether she wants me to pry or stay the hell out of her business, ya know? I felt useful when I tried giving her advice. She didn't end up doing it, though--lost her nerve--and I heard she's really upset. I hope that everything turns out okay.

Tomorrow I have my first SAT class (oh god we're taking a test; I'm going to die a brutal death) along with Pride Day (which I am attending with Jayne), where we go to the school and help clean up and "beautify" the campus. NHS hours, yay. Doing NHS stuff without Kelly feels so weird!

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mood: good
music: Pump It - Black Eyed Peas

Yesterday was a-w-e-s-o-m-e. Went shopping at Mainplace with Jessica. We bought so much stuff; it was awesome. I got two pairs of jeans, a yellow tube top (yeah, I actually found a tube top that would stay on ; plus, it's long so I don't feel like too much of a slut), a striped cami, two t-shirts (green and white), and last but not least, a CARS T-SHIRT! Eeee! It's awesome. Plus, I keep staring at it in wonder because it's size 7-8 for little boys and I can fit it without any trouble. Man, guys wear their shirts big. I also bought a pair of earrings, three headbands, and a pair of sunglasses. Oh, and this awesome peppermint lotion with menthol in it. I love menthol!

Am I crazy? Yep. But my excuse is that it's the last time I'll get to go shopping before SAT classes start (and end in February--oh, kill me now), excluding holiday shopping for mis amigos y mi familia. Also, that Mainplace literally has all of my favorite stores. Nonetheless, it was great.

Today in Spanish there was a discussion about cultural differences and homophobia. Austin is so... Yeah. Chris, too. And Elaine F. I hate teenage boys. Mrs. Kustin-Mager kept trying to convince them that America's just a lot more homophobic than other countries (though, some of those South European/S. America countries she was talking about probably punish homosexuality with death, even though they're much more tactile/touchy-feely), but they just kept talking how weird and gross and... Sigh. Kelly looked at me towards the end of the discussion and I gave her a look of despair.

Mark has been a lot more touchy about Asian jokes lately. I was exasperated until I realized that that's pretty much the same way I am with homophobia. Oversensitive, overanalyzing everything, really...righteous? Yeah. So I won't roll my eyes anymore. I only wish I had his courage to speak out when I am offended. Diana has become as bad as sixth grade boys lately, with her "You're a fag" she's throwing everywhere. The only reason I haven't said anything is because I know what her views on gay rights are and I like them--plus, she'd probably just say "Shut up, fag" and laguh in response if I protested. And then hit me and call me a stupid bitch.

Today Jayne walked into Bio and was like, "Whoa, he's hot." Duh, Mr. Jacobs is super sexy. And it was funny because at lunch, Diana was like, "You know, the other day I walked into one of your fourth period labs and... Dude, he's really hot." Yay, converts!

In U.S. History, we were sorted into groups to give presentations about the culture/society of the 1930s and one group was assigned "Car". Kristine looked at me from a few seats away and whispered, "Cars!" and I squealed. Hee.

Mark just said "when gay marriage is legal" and it made me happy. Not all boys suck.

Also, I have a 100.7 in U.S. History. HAHAHA. I don't think I've ever gotten that high of a grade in anything. It's also kind of depressing that that's the highest grade in the class (I think).

0 Comments

mood: okay
music: All For You, Sophia - Franz Ferdinand

PHP and all this sophisticated CSS is so complicated. Working with them is both frustrating and enjoyable in that "yay a challenge" way, and the results are always extremely satisfying. Obviously, I've been working on something. Yep, installed Coppermine Photo Gallery and have been working on it all this weekend. I'm not done (still experimenting with everything and trying to figure out how to customize everything), but here's a plug: CyanGlass. w00t. I think I've had enough of that for today. This weekend was actually supposed to be dedicated to designing a new layout for this site, but I tried to figure out a theme for like an hour--to no avail. Cars, gay rights, equality, winter, contrasting weather, hope, friendship, blah blah. Tried all of them. None fell through, nope. Being a perfectionist sucks sometimes. Then I wanted to do a "writer" kinda theme in honor of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). I actually wanted to participate, but gah, with all this Biology studying... No way in hell. Sigh. And this time next year will be spent writing college admission essays. Great. Maybe in college. I guess. A Cars novel would've been so cool to write.

Yesterday Mother and I had lunch at Hokkaido (sushi, yay!), which was yummy. I miss Yen, though. Mother has become very thrifty recently. She never used to care about whether something was "cheaper" or more "worth it", but nowadays... It's all about the money. I guess... At least I spent a happy, pampered childhood, in a way.

At night, Kelly and I went to Letty's concert for an NHS hour. I donated money to the Epilepsy Foundation and felt nice. My cousin has epilepsy, and it's pretty scary. It's saddening to think of children who have to struggle with it. Letty was...your classic good pianist, really. I especially liked her expression of dynamics, though her pedal releases during the song could've used some work. I miss trying to elicit a grand sound of a piano with my meek little fingers. I remember feeling so powerful when I achieved it.

Afterwards, I went to eat at Thai Spice with Kelly, her dad, and her sister Sara. Her family is so lovely and quaint. The food was yummylicious. Oh, and I got to talk to Aimi, who was one of my best friends in elementary school/middle school. She was the A in our DREAM thing. Diana, Erin, Elaine, Aimi, Maggie... Sigh. Good times. She was so shocked to see me; it was quite hilarious and cute. The customer looked at her funny when she gasped, haha. When we said goodbye to her, she told me to call her. I feel bad, though. I don't call anyone. Maybe I'll be brave and get her number from Di, though. It'd be nice.

Aimi, Ridts... I'm so bad at keeping in touch with friends, staying connected with people who move away. Well. Before snail mail became untrendy, anyway. I still have a box of all the letters I used to exchange with my friends from first, second, and third grade. I kept in touch with my best friend from second grade until freshman year, solely through letters. They're right: there's something about handwritten letters that e-mail just can't capture. From your correspondent's handwriting to their choice of paper to the little goodies they include in the envelope to the stickers they paste all over the flap... It's just not the same on the computer. Plus, all the P.S. stuff. On the computer, you just click and insert something you forgot, but on paper, it's just...different.

On Friday, I went to the last football game of the year. I danced, yay! Half of the time I was in a bit of a sour mood, though. Diana has become like the eighth grade!Maggie, and it didn't bug me before even though she keeps bragging about it (out of sight, out of mind), but it was just kinda... I dunno. No jealousy at all, honestly; it was more irritation that she was all having a great time with them while Amanda and I entertained ourselves. Meh, I'm always like that. You would think that I would've been used to that kinda stuff by now, but I guess not. And it wasn't just that, but... They were saying some things about Mark that were making me really angry and defensive. Amanda's right: David is a homophobic bastard. I really despise ignorant teenage boys. I think I snapped when Joseph--the one who tried competing with Tom for me in freshman year...and tried to feed me (like, EW)--said "fag". Man. Maybe Jayne's pent up rage and urge to punch somebody is contagious. I got the craziest urge to just turn around and slap him. So I quickly escaped to the other side, haha. Amelia is a really good person, though. She protested when I didn't have the nerve to. I don't know. Would it have been weird to yell at a group of people--half of whom I didn't even know?

Afterwards, Diana, Amanda, and I tried to go play tennis but the lights were turned off already. Amanda and I giggled in the parking lot and I went home exhausted.

Three-day weekends are great.

0 Comments

mood: spooked and paranoid
music: The District Sleeps Alone Tonight - The Postal Service

Nightmare.

The Amphitheater Kids volunteering at Plaza Vista. I'm walking down the hallway, escorting some little boys to the restroom. I wait for them outside in the hallway. A few seconds after they go inside, they run back out, crying and screaming at the top of their lungs. They're obviously terrified. I manage to get a hold of two of them, put my arms around their necks and hug them. I ask what's wrong.

Someone was murdered in that bathroom. His mangled corpse is still there, lying on the floor. There is blood everywhere, they say. Horrified. Traumatized for life.

I bring them to the staff lounge, where all the teachers are already gathering. I tell a teacher about it and she tells me that it was a homophobic attack. The boy who was killed was gay. A seventh grader. Threats and accusations and yelling about his being gay were heard by nearby classrooms, but the teachers and kids were too scared to do anything. I'm horrified and frightened out of my wits at the same time. Jayne arrives and seeing me distressed and pale, tries to take my hand. I quickly pull away, terrified that this homophobic murderer will target us next. "We can't," I whisper, and she looks hurt and confused until one of the teachers explains the situation again. She tries to give me a hug but again, I turn away. Helpless.

Parents are arriving to pick their children up and take them away. In a strange moment, I am reminded of Harry Potter. Mother takes everyone home. Jayne comes over, and I loudly discuss the murder with her in my room, puposely leaving the door open. I am trying to guilt the person I suspect to be the murderer into confessing: my sister.

I am right.

She comes to stand in my doorway, with bloodshot, crazed eyes and a weapon in hand. It looks like a spatula, but the edges are razor sharp. They are apparently sharp enough to kill a person.

I did it, she croaks.

Tears filling my eyes, I cautiously edged towards her, keeping a distance. Why? is all I can bear to say. I'm scared. I'm startled but not shocked, for some reason. I'm confused--I'd always thought that she had nothing against gays.

It was Alex, she says. He was being really annoying. And so I...got rid of him.

I picture a small seventh grade boy, talking to her. Saying something that she didn't like to hear. Shut up, she'd say. He would persist in saying it. Shut your little faggot mouth, she'd say. Stop being so gay. Why are you so gay? I hate you, you're so gay! she'd scream. And then she'd kill him.

She grips her weapon tightly. I reach to touch a comforting hand to her shoulder but think better of it. I ask if I can tell Mother. Because this isn't right, and we need to get help. She remains speechless. I slowly call for Mother. We call the police but they let her go, for some reason. Life goes on as if it had never happened--for everyone else, anyway. I am constantly on my edge, watching her, terrified that she'll lose control again. Terrified that I'll be her next victim.

After a bit, I find myself in the boys' restroom where Alex was murdered. There is a custodian's cart there; you know, the yellow thing filled with water to mop the floor with. Blood is splattered on the side. It's Alex's blood. I flee the bathroom before I puke.

When I wake up and see my sister walk by in the hallway, I feel my heart speed up in fear before I realize that it was all just a dream. A terrible dream that has been haunting me all day. I have a feeling I won't sleep very well tonight.

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Mother's right: It's sad how everything in the world seems to be about money.

Her family's been broken up because of money. She doesn't trust Father anymore because of money.

I swore off sodas when eating out with family because of that. I watch for sales; I used to scoff sales. I don't buy those pretty $20 shirts. I go to Wet Seal because of their 2-for-$12 deals. I don't buy jeans that cost over $25. I do what I can to save. Because I too, am afraid that one day that image of Father leaving us for another family will become a reality, and the only money we'll have is what Mother earns and what I earn from my summer job at the Bakery.

I envy Kelly and her naivete of how significant it is that she can just ask her parents for money and get it without feeling guilty or anything. I wish I could eat three-dollar meals every day without feeling terribly guilty. I wish I could spend $700 shopping for clothes like Diana. I wish I still trusted people enough to lend them money.

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On Saturday, I saw Borat with Diana, Jayne, and Nina. Had a good time for sure. Quite a good comedy movie--a lot of the stuff that the audience found hilarious was tasteless (I like double entendre humor because it requires wit) and I just kinda sat there, disapproving (vulgar humor is so...I dunno, I'm perv to the extreme, but it's just really stupid to me), but there was some other stuff that was pretty laugh-out-loud funny--as well as social commentary. I liked that it was a satire on America, and that the scenes with the interviews were all real. The "What kind of gun would you recommend to shoot a Jew?" part was shocking--the guy seriously answered! That disgusts me. And the part where he's like "homosexuals in my country are put in jail" and stuff, and the rodeo guy nods along--OMFG. And then there was this one video on YouTube (deleted scene, kinda) where he meets these wine-tasting guys in Mississippi and they have this black guy working as the butler. Borat asks the guys if the black guy is their slave, and when they say no, it's against the law, he comments that they'd rather he be their slave--AND THEY SAYS YES. Americans kill me some time. Man. The ending was great, though.

Anyway. Had Jamba Juice and looked at The Dog Dialed 911 at Barnes & Noble, which was hilarious but bizarre.

Ended up going to Boomers randomly. Bought tickets for the go-carts since Jayne's been wanting to go since forever and then freaked out in line. These twerpy little teenagers counted the number of people allowed to go each time and then asked if they could cut us. Thank god I have aggressive friends, 'cause I totally would've been pressured into saying yes if it were not for them, heh. Jayne is our awesome bodyguard/protector/angry guy friend, w00t. Got into my car, couldn't figure out how to put the seat belt on and thought that the cars would be starting soon... And so I started freaking out, screaming, "Diana, Diana, I can't!" and got out of the car. Jayne, totally exasperated, motioned for me to sit with her in her car (they were the passenger ones) but then the guy came over and said I couldn't. So I told him okay and that I wouldn't go on them at all, then. He was like, "OMG, what are you afraid of? Just go! What do you have to lose? When are you going to live?" Haha, it was an all-too-accurate assessment of me and my plethora of fears. Partly convinced but still scared, I ran out. Sobbing, I went to get my money back. The girl looked at me like I was crazy when I told her my story.

Anyway, then I followed Jayne and Diana around while they played a bunch of shooting games, including Jurassic Park. (That's the second time I had to sit through that thing, gah!) I got to go off by myself and win some tickets, though, which was fun. Boomers is so unsanitary, though, gah. Nina got a TON of tickets, and with hers added to ours, we had like 550. OMG, though. The guy was just like, "Okay, you have 1000 tickets!" and pretended to calculate it on the calculator. And when we told him we wanted three Disney princess yo-yos, he was like, "What?!" And so we were like, "Fine, how about those macho man yo-yos over there?" They were like 375 tickets a piece, but he just gave us three of them! What an awesome guy. I still have to put mine together, hehe. I suck at yo-yos. But they're uber cool.

It was about ten when we left. Then we got some CPK, YAYAYYAY MY FAVORITE! This creepy guy there kept talking to us. Along with the usual Spinach & Artichoke Dip and Portobello Ravioli, we decided to get a slice of the pumpkin cheesecake. OMG YUM. I liked it a lot. So getting that next time.

Afterwards, we dropped by 7Eleven for Bawls and then we got dropped off because Mother wanted me to go home.

Though I'd expected/wanted to spend the day by myself, I have to say that we definitely had some fun. Shake your moneymaker like somebody 'bout ta pay ya!

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mood: tired
music: Move Along - The All-American Rejects

Man, even when I barely have any homework, I barely manage to get anything done. Always, "Oh, if I do this homework ahead of time, it'll make it easier on me tomorrow," but I still end up staying up until 2 AM the next day.

At least today I got to play some Eternal Duelist Soul. Yay, Yuugiou! I beat both Ryouta and Ryusaki. I was excited because I'd struggled to beat them before. Then I realized I'd been twelve. Heh. No wonder.

I need a vacation.

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mood: ashamed, discouraged, and like a failure
music: Rough Landing, Holly - Yellowcard

You forget yourself, Elaine. You forget yourself with this whole confidence, high self-esteem thing you've got going on.

You forget that you aren't one of the big guns.

You forget that all those positive reviews you receive might be from people who aren't exactly English professors. You forget that your writing is not drop-dead amazing. You forget that just because you love to do something does not mean that you are superb at it. You forget that your writing is slightly above average, at best.

You forget how much you hate constructive criticism. You forget the feeling of being discouraged. You forget how down on yourself you were a few years ago, when you realized that you weren't as great as you professed to be.

You forget the real reason you turned away from the English/Creative Writing field and began perusing multimedia art fields: you knew that you simply weren't good enough to please a crowd, much less make a living.

(I wrote a Darkshipping drabble at 3 AM and posted it to FF.net. The responses have been dismal and critical. I was going to make it into a multi-chapter story, but I guess... I guess I'm just not good enough. Maybe it's time to go back to the Cars fandom, where at least I'm appreciated. It makes me really sad that just a few days ago I was bragging about how much of a success I was back in my twelve-year-old Darkshipping author days.)

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mood: peaceful
music: All I Need - Matchbox Twenty

someone to lean on / until i don't need to

She keeps wanting to spend more and more time with her, but I can't. First of all, it's so awkward around her family sometimes because they know about us. She says it was when we started going out that her mom started yelling at her more and more. Every time I say hi to her mom, I wonder what she's thinking. I feel so paranoid about being judged by her. Second of all, she's already coming over so much. I don't want to end up being tired of her. When I spend too much time with people, I always end up being super annoyed by them. And third, the more time I spend alone with her, the more confused and jumbled up my feelings get... And I don't want that for myself. Things are already so unclearly cut, and for me to start feeling regret would be folly.

Folly folly folly!

Anyway. That's been bothering me for a while.

Mag's birthday is coming up and I'm wracking my brain for what to get her. It has to be something fantastic! It's been a tough year for us (not as bad as eighth grade, though...) and I really appreciate the fact that we're still so close. And also 'cause she got me such wonderful Cars gifts, heh. I think I might've made a mistake though. I kind of blurted out "Mag's birthday party" during lunch when maybe I shouldn't have. I forget myself sometimes. I'm so used to referring to all of us as a unit that I forget that some people think of some of us more as a unit than the others.

I realized recently that I'm a pacifist. Never thought of my avoiding all arguments and hating war as being pacifism. Yay, another label.

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mood: angry as hell
music: Axel F - Crazy Frog

So I check my LJ, see a post to the Carsslash comm, get excited because there ain't been any action there for a while, and then see something about someone making fun of us on Something Awful. Frowning, I go to check it out. Ah, I see. It's the usual bullshit. Oh, plus they've even included a picture and a fanfiction. What little shits, degrading somebody's work like that. I feel anger building in me. Hey, I recognize the art--I remember lavishing the artist with compliments. Scroll down to read the fanfiction excerpt. Now wait a minute. This excerpt sounds strangely familiar.

Wait, what?! Lightning and Chick?! That's my fic. That's Someone to Care About. That's my hard work--my stay-up-'til-4 AM-figuring-out-plot-and-writing hard work.

The anger explodes in me and I feel an intense urge to punch someone in the face. No, not just anyone. The person who submitted the link and the author of the post.

Then the sadness and hurt sinks in. Flames like the ones I've randomly been getting for that story (now I understand why) and the millions that I got for Mistletoe don't bring me down. I can handle them by just laughing it off and feeling good about myself because at least I'm not an ignorant bigot. But being singled out to show how "disgusting" and "wrong" an entire community and idea is... There's some deep pain there.

So, I did the brave thing and wrote an e-mail to the author that pretty sums up all of my feelings, minus all the swearing...

I could start this e-mail with a bunch of swear words and irrational demands. Instead, I am doing my best to suppress my anger right now.

I am extremely offended by what you said in your "Awful Link of the Day" about the Cars Slash Livejournal Community. Usually, I would fume about it and then just let it go because people can be ignorant bigots, and I am above caring. However, the fanfiction excerpt you used to demonstrate how wrong Cars slash is--is mine. That's right: I'm the author. I don't know if you understand the work I put into that particular piece. I don't know if you understand the hurt that I felt when I saw that it was my hard work and effort that was being degraded. I don't know if you even considered my feelings or the feelings of the artist who drew the picture when you ridiculed us, our work, and our community.

But I do know that what's much, much more wrong than Cars slash is degrading another person's writing. Flames I can handle, but being singled out to prove that an idea is disgusting--this is unacceptable.

I do not ask you to remove the link because this is the Internet and you have the right of free speech. However, I do believe that I deserve an apology, as does the artist. Nobody likes their hard work to be degraded.

- Amphitrite

Well. At least it's free fic promotion, right? Too bad they didn't even bother to give me any credit.

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mood: pleased
music: Axel F - Crazy Frog

I still tear up sometimes, when I talk to her. I still sigh at the awkward moments and when she jokes about me being a bitch it still kind of hurts, but it's all right. I still avoid mentioning anything involving the word "summer". We're dealing with this unfinished business in the proper Elaine fashion--shove into a drawer and blatantly ignore. Does it bother me? It bothers me that I'm so divided about it all, all the time. It bothers me that a break-up didn't really end anything, didn't make the feelings go away, and yet it caused her so much pain. It bothers me that I still think of us as something, while she refers to me as her ex. It bothers me that what we have now is what I'd wanted all along, but what we had before is what she wanted. I still believe that the decision I made during the summer was for the better. I just wish it didn't have to come to that. Now really, who am I to laugh at dysfunctional couples?

On a happier note... I got an A+ on my English presentation! Oh my god! I don't think that I've ever gotten an A+ on a major oral presentation that I was nervous about before! So ecstatic. She liked the prop I made/brought:



Hee. Also, Halloween was pretty fun. I was a police officer! A French one. Haha. I got so many compliments! It made me unimaginably happy. I'm a sucker for people's opinions like that. Mr. Jacobs stared at me and said that it was a really cool costume, and asked if I put it together myself. Then he said, "I see you have handcuffs, too," which was a little creepy. But he's sexy, so . Mrs. Kustin-Mager is still calling me "la policia", haha. It makes me giggle. I heard some girl say, "I wouldn't mind being arrested by her," or something. It was...odd.

After school, Jayne came over to help and stuff, since she wouldn't have a ride later. We bought some sodas (lemonade, Squirt, and Sprite, my favorites! ) and some Martinelli's. She broke my handcuffs by trying to get out of them without using the latch. Then, I had to call in to order the food, but I always get the jitters before ordering stuff on the phone. Like pizza. Jayne got exasperated and ended up ordering it for me, haha. We ended up running late to go pick up the Pat & Oscars food, and to make it worse, we lined up in the wrong line. I was SO panicked because people had already started arriving. Stupid me had told them to come on time so that the food'd still be hot when they ate it. Well, never doing that again! On the car, Mother, Jess, and Jayne laughed at my panicking. And when we arrived at my house, everyone was already there, waiting. OMG, I felt so incredibly guilty. I hope nobody was mad or anything. I'm so not a hostess type of person.

Anyway, the food was good. Erin bought pie, too, which was so nice of her. Plus, it was tasty. Janine ended up coming, too, which was nice. At around 730 we started out. People are so stingy with their candy distribution nowadays. We got three pieces max. Plus, there was almost no Starburst/other fruity candies. I'm so tired of chocolate, so I was really forward to some of that stuff, but to no avail. I didn't go through either of the haunted houses/uber scary decorations, haha. I think that I get wimpier and wimpier every year. Oh well, I'm satisfied with Tower of Terror conquering, haha. Maggie was scared shitless, which was pretty cute and funny.

We sang random songs at the top of our lungs, which I always love. Heeeeeeey, heeeeeey baby! I wanna knoooooow, if you'll be my girl! Stupid little middle school boys (you know the type: arrogant, ignorant, blurting out "that's gay" all over the place because it's "cool") were like, "Isn't it weird for a bunch of girls to be singing 'be my girl'?!" And I said, "No." And they were like, "Yeah, it's really weird!" And I was like, "No, it's not." And they were like, "Are you saying that [it was "you like girls" or something like that, I'm not sure]?" and I was like, "Not necessarily." Swear words and other angry words were at the tip of my tongue, but I thought, No, Elaine, you're above this kind of petty thing. They're just stupid kids and so we just walked away. Then we sang it louder than before.

I fucking hate kids at that age. They're so ignorant but they think that they're the shit. It's that kind of attitude that I cannot stand. But hey--I'm better than them. Way better than them. So... At least I'm way better off and smarter than them.

At 845 we headed back to my house and traded candy and played SSBM. YAY! Diana came over, too, since she'd finished writing up her presentation. Jayne died a lot and I laughed. I died even more and laughed even harder. Yay. I was so tired afterwards, though! But it was fun.

Then yesterday I went to Band Spectacular. Jayne came over after school (again) because she didn't have a ride (again) so she watched me eat fried fish and we discussed uber cool/interesting statistics in TIME Magazine. We drew funny pictures and wrote funny stories while the band warmed up. OMG, and Mark was the sweetest! So like I was wearing Jayne's backpack because I put my stuff in it for easier carrying. It's the same color as mine, but mine has a rubber ducky keychain that I adooooore. So Mark saw me with it, and was like, "OMG, where'd your duck go?!" And aah, it was so nice! So I gave him a big hug, haha. I was pretty bummed because we didn't go first, so I missed Northwood's Fantasmic field show. Oh well.

Pictures tomorrow!

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