I'M SUFFOCATING.

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I was crying in Spanish today, debating ditching periods 2 and 3, when I realized that I really am like Erin, only liberal. I'm stubborn, close-minded, and I can't back up my stances the way I'd like to. Also, I get upset (whether I keep a neutral face or not) when conservative opinions are expressed. I suppose the only difference (besides our political stances being on opposite sides of the spectrum) is that I preach tolerance, which really only makes me more of a hypocrite, with all my shallow loathing of homophobes. Oh, and that she is "fueled" (that's so the wrong word, but I don't know how to say it) by her family/parents' avid beliefs, while I am "fueled" (grr) by the Internet. That sounds so strange, but yeah.

Strange coincidences (There are no coincidences, only the illusion of coincidence. ¢¾) are in the air. This weekend I re-read Scott Bidstrup's Gay Marriage: The Arguments and The Motives (the most amazing, information-filled essay on gay rights I have been fortunate enough to read, and that I think that everyone else in the world should read). Last night Mark sent me an article on the striking down of Georgia's ban on same-sex marriages (YES!), and so I started looking at more articles and stuff regarding GLBT issues. There was a lot of stuff about Mary Cheney and her new book. Today I opened up my newest TIME and well, would you look at that, it's Mary Cheney! Then arguing with friends about some issues on gay marriage and adoption.

Frankly, I almost fainted in horror when Maggie said that adoption by same-sex couples is illegal, and was really kinda surprised when we said it wasn't so. Only Florida totally bans adoptions by gays and lesbians. She disapproves of it, though... She said that it wasn't the ideal climate for children to grow up in... I think that was what really brought me to tears. I don't know. Well, actually, yes I do. Aren't love, affection, and commitment all that really matter in raising a child? And gay parents are just as capable of loving their children as anyone else. I know people talk about the whole OMG bad role model thing. Being gay isn't a lifestyle choice; it's a sexual orientation. Kids don't just start falling in love with people of their own gender because that's what their parents did. Uh, hello, there's a lot of gay kids who have straight parents. Where the hell did they come from? It's a preference, in a way. Like, I don't eat meat because I prefer to eat things...other than meat. Does that make me a disgusting persion, does that make me a sinner? Should I not be allowed to raise children because they'll turn out to be non-meat eaters as well, and threaten society, and soon the world will fall into sin, because everyone will decide that refusing to meat is the way to live? That's just ridiculous. Some people prefer to hang out with people of their own ethnicities, most likely because they understand each other better and maybe share a common background; this is seen most frequently in high school cliques. They prefer to hang out with a certain type of people. Is that wrong? Does that make them bad people? Should those people not be allowed to have children or adopt children? No. There are plenty of Asians with conservative fob parents, but end up white-washed. There are plenty of white people who turn out to be Japan-o-philes. Children of gay parents are no more likely to become gay themselves than children of heterosexual parents are. And there have been a ton of studies that show that children raised by gay or lesbian parents/couples turn out just as well as the children of heterosexual parents.

And I mean, really, think about the whole argument. Setting a bad example? Look at the people who are allowed to get married and raise children. Murderers. Rapists and all kinds of convicted felons. Okay, even known child molesters are allowed to marry and procreate. Does somebody see a flaw in society's logic now?! Now, compare those terrible people with loving gay parents that want nothing more but for their children to live a happy life. Yeah. Setting a bad example my ass. Are children really the priority here? Or are people just blatantly homophobic and holding prejudice opinions? Funny how our country works, isn't it?

You know, I used to think that homophobia was so ridiculous, and faced all anti-gay sentiments with incredible incredulity. When I was thirteen, I wondered, How could anyone be so stupid to be so prejudice, to discriminate against people who have done nothing to harm them?! But I suppose the people around me have opened up my eyes. Furai once said that she is disturbed by gay couples. Furai, who also read and liked slash. How confusing. Maggie has told me (multiple times) that she disapproves of it. Why? I don't know. I'm kind of afraid to ask. I know Erin is like, fiercely homophobic (she refuses to even discuss it), because she thinks that it's disgusting and wrong.

You know what I respect about Amanda? I respect that she supports gay marriage because she understands that love between two individuals is what qualifies them for marriage, not their gender nor sexuality. I believe that no matter what, love is what is most important. Until like, last week, I couldn't understand how anyone could think that love could be irrelevant, that love could be less important than anything else. It's interesting how fanfiction really does affect my life, because then I read this, in The Mad Lori's Two Crows Joy:

She met Liz's eyes, confusion evident in her gaze. "I don't understand how anybody could... they're both men." She looked away, shaking her head.

"They love each other." Alma's head snapped around again. "You know that, right? Isn't that what's important?"

"No," Alma said flatly. "Ain't more important than doin' what's right."

"They are."

"It is against God's law, miss. You can dress it up all flowery and romantic all you like, it don't change nothin'."

Isn't it interesting how people's minds work? And how, to some people, love matters not, in some situations, but matters a lot in others?

In other news, yesterday was our three-month anniversary. :) We spent lunch together, since she wouldn't be able to come over after school. It was really nice and quaint. I wish the world were different. It's especially difficult to deal with in high school, because you see all these amorous couples making out all over campus, while you have to look around to make sure certain people aren't there before you kiss your girlfriend on the cheek.

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Got ignored by Mark in favor of Sarah again. Sigh. I know it's not intentional, it's just...you know. I hate losing to her. He walked by and I was like, "Hey Mark, how was the [AP Chem] test?" but he probably didn't hear it, so I was like, oh well, I guess I'll ask him later online. But then Sarah was like, "Mark!" and he turned around and they were talking, and blah. Damn my squeaky voice.

We got new seats in Spanish, and I'm no longer sitting next to Mag, Amanda, and Mindy anymore. Well, Mag, Mindy, Ann and I are still relatively near each other, but it's not the same! Meh. Now I can't constantly talk to Mag anymore. :( And it was our bonding time, too! Damn Rundle. I liked it when we were sitting in the weird debating group tables that first day, so I could talk to everyone! Oh well, at least I can do math homework again, since I'm no longer in the first row. Speaking of math... I got a D on the Algebra 2 Final. Not even an omg-almost-a-C kind of D+, just a solid D. My grade just dropped from an A to a solid B, oh gosh. There'll be no salvaging there. Fuck... Another solid block B, just like Geometry. And I was doing so fucking well in that class, too! I hadn't gotten an A in math in forever, and I was so proud, but now-- Goddamnit. Sigh. I feel like giving up on life, really. What is there out there for me if I can't even pass a goddamned Algebra 2 final? :'(

Oh, and I thought that I'd been locked out of this, but it turns out that I just kept trying the wrong passwords. Oops. But yay, I'm glad that this is working so well. It's so freaking awesome! OMGyay. But damn it, Sand Dollar won't be up for a while because the server/domain on which it was located has expired, and the owner isn't going to renew it. Maybe I'll just put it up here or something, since it's really not that massive a site anyway. Hrm. Yeah, that would work. I'll do it during the weekend or something. Which is coming up soon, hooray! This week feels like it's going by so incredibly slowly, especially since we're all kind of moody for some reason. I do adore the rising temperature, though! Hooray for summer. (She's going to be going away, though, and I'm going to miss being able to see her... :()

I'm planning to sign up for an ROP class in either Computer Graphics, Multimedia Communications, or Web Design, to take up some time and build a foundation for you know, eventual college stuff and blah. And since I won't be doing much (they're not sure if there's any room at the Bakery/Cafe for me to work, so yeah, I don't want to just waste time lazing around the house), it'll be good to occupy my time with something. Hopefully I'll get into (and like) the class, be able to work maybe two days a week, and spend some time with everyone when I can. Oh, and of course I'm going to Plaza Vista to volunteer with Kelly and Diana, for community service hours, yay! I do love recording and grading papers, for some reason. Oh, I have no money to spend on lunch, though! Better start saving now, eep.

So I'm trying to finish Virtually Normal, this book by Andrew Sullivan that I started about a year ago but never finished. It's kind of a little too academic sometimes, but it's really interesting. It's about homosexuality and various opinions and arguments on it. This is an excerpt that I liked:

Throughout life, for many homosexuals, the panic of uncontrol periodically returns: when the subject crops up and the throat becomes intolerably dry; when the insult is hurled across the street, and shame mysteriously returns; when an understanding straight friend makes a friendly gay joke, and the hackles involuntarily rise. What's worse is that one is complicit in such moments: without a sense of embarassment, there would be no loss of power, no handing over of autonomy. But the trauma is real nonetheless. It is the sense of asphyxiation you feel when someone defines you without your consent.

Anyway yeah.

Yesterday, Kristine posted a confusing entry about us and how she has issues with us? I don't really know anymore. But I'm worried about her like you wouldn't believe. I hope that it's just a random phase and that we haven't done anything (or is it that we've neglected to do something?)... I hope she knows how important she is to me and how I've always considered her as a vital part of our circle.

Maggie and Erin came up with the idea to go off-campus today to avoid someone (it was extended lunch, so yeah), which I thought to be kind of really mean and unnecessary. I mean, the person they were avoiding isn't exactly my best friend either, but gosh, did they have to take it to such extremes? It just strikes me as kind of...well. Really cruel, to be honest, but sometimes they've got stone-cold hearts, when their minds set them to it. I guess nobody's perfect. It just... gosh, I don't know. They've always been into this, since middle school when random people tried to tag along with us. I guess I should be grateful that they were willing to take us along with them, instead of just straight up ditching us as well.

Anyway, Kristine had left at break before they'd informed her of "The Plan", so she hadn't met up with us. Well, thank god that I have a friend with a heart and concerns similar to mine, because Diana instantly suggested that we go scan the school for Kristine first, before leaving campus. Jayne was like, "Whoa, Diana actually cared?" afterwards, but I mean... I don't think many people see it, but deep down, she really is a good friend. A dependable one, at least? Unfortunately, Maggie was all paranoid about not having time (we managed fine, though?), so she, Kelly, Erin, and Amanda went on ahead while Diana, Jayne, and I went to find Kristine and we agreed to meet up later. And I mean, Diana isn't exactly the most warm-hearted person around, and I would never have expected that she be the one to be so adamant to include EVERY ONE OF US (I'm usually that person, but I never have the courage to stand up to Mag and Erin...), but gosh, when she was so firm about going to find Kristine to ask her to come with us, first, that's when I... I mean, she's always been my hero, but that moment, I just... Like, OMG WORSHIP, you know? Because she'd voiced what I was thinking (gosh, no wonder Kristine has issues with us... You guys are so readily ditching her... I'd probably be irked by you guys too, if I were her... :() , and she'd wanted to act on it, and she'd argued for it, and she had. And when we'd gone to ask Kristine to come with us, she'd been the one talking, and she'd spoken all the words that I was thinking. ♥ In the end, Kristine had wanted to do her homework instead of going off-campus, and so that was that. Anyway, yeah. Very mixed feelings about it all.

P.S. I'm so excited to see The Da Vinci Code! I hope to god that they don't butcher it (too badly)!

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So the AP Euro test is over, once and for all! OMG, am so relieved. Don't think that I did all that well, but hell, at least it's done and over with. Went to dinner at Marie Callendar's with Mag, Di, Jayne, and Kelly afterwards, had a good time. :) Had to leave early to go to a school play for my sister, meh. PV Carnival is next week, hooray! Ah, any excuse to hang out with friends is lovely. But this year will be so different from the last, as last year it was all about seeing Michael, and this year I have my girl, and it's just...really different. I wonder if he's going. Maybe I'll see him. I wonder how it'd feel. Like if I saw The Girl right now... Hrm.

Am finally learning PHP as I've been meaning to for years; recoded Sand*Dollar last night. Am super proud, yay! And am even more proud of this: I installed cutenews here! Actually, I'm using it right now! I do love manually coding everything, but nowadays I just don't have the time to sit there and code an entry and proofread and blah blah blah, so hopefully this will work out! :) OMG, am so proud of making it look exactly like my manual coding as well, even though it's all...different. Hooray for webdesign. :D Having spare time without obligations (i.e. STUDYING NONSTOP ARGH) is awesome.

It's been a while since I've been able to have a weekend to myself without being obliged to studying or go to four-hour long review sessions at eight in the morning, so this last weekend was pretty nice. Although I will miss those, having the test done with is a huge stress reliever.

Am planning to redecorate/remodel my room (and the rest of the house, but it's not like I ever go anywhere other than my room anyway, haha. Except maybe to pig out, randomly, when I get bored, heh), which I'm excited about! We've been talking about it for like three years, but I wasn't all that eager before because I didn't want to take down all the stuff I have on my wall just so the people could paint it--stuff I'd worked hard on putting up, and all that shiz. But recently I realized that while everyone else's rooms have been changed around some time in the past, mine has looked like this for like the whole seven years I've lived in this house. So yeah. Time for a room makeover! Plus, seeing Kristine and Diana's new rooms made me crow in jealousy for a new design, with colors that actually match. What a concept! So hopefully...yeah!

My cell phone had been broken for like three weeks, and Cingular finally shipped me a replacement one. :D So I get a brand new phone for FREE. Man, warranties are awesome. ...That word looks ugly. I hope it's spelled correctly. Anyway! My taste in music just keeps getting weirder and weirder and well, randomer. During the weekend I bought a CD of like...Mediterranean music with the Spanish guitar and stuff, and OMG j'adore. My iTunes gift-card balance has been depleted, though. I have like...a dollar left. Wahh. And my cash supply has been kinda depleted too, so I probably won't be getting any new music for a while. Unless I steal Jayne's collection or something, I suppose. It's not like I even care about whether the downloading is legitimate or not; downloading programs just all either 1) have tons of adware/spyware, 2) don't work for me!, or 3) all of the above. Grr. So yay for iTunes. At least it's cheaper than buying CDs. -_-

P.S. Fort Minor's Where'd You Go is awesome. :)

P.P.S. To return to the main page, click "xdelight" on the top image!

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