CalArts would be awfully nice, wouldn't it?

It's too bad I'm not artistic enough. It's too bad I didn't take AP Art and Computer Art. :( I should've taken Physics during this summer.

Stupid stupid stupid.

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Ah, fanfictioning. Nothing beats that. Was skimming through some old works... You know, those old pieces of rubbish. Well, maybe not that bad, but not exactly stellar either. But that's okay. I know I've come a long way and have improved a ton.

I was looking at my stats page, and WHOA. Somehow, my most controversial fic has become my most successful. I'm talking about The Magic of Mistletoe, of course. It was a 2,300 word one-shot. It garnered 36 reviews, although a few were silly, stupid flames. But heck. It got 1591 hits. OVER A THOUSAND! The most I'd gotten before that was 639 for Worthy of You (the fic that made me popular), and that was over a span of twelve chapters. Fly With Me got 111 reviews for seven chapters. Man, that thing was successful. It somehow put me among the Darkshipping elite (I miss those days). I'll even go so far to say it was a staple for Darkshipping fans. The number of people who put it on their Favorites list almost beats that of the people who did for Mistletoe, which is ridiculous. Mistletoe was two thousand words while Fly was over ten thousand! But then again, they were written three (!!!!) years apart. I guess that's proof that I really have improved. :) (Or maybe TSL fans are just nuts.)

Mistletoe really is my most controversial, though. I'd always thought that authors were dumb for saying they would laugh at flames, but god were some of these hilarious!

I didn't think that the story would attract too much attention (slash sticks out kinda awkwardly between the KAJILLION OCS IN THE GODDAMNED FANDOM) but I guess it really was worth posting! Plus, it taught me to not care about other people's negative opinions toward my hard work because hell, they're just narrow-minded assholes. I think that's really important in the world of fanfiction, when anyone can be a critic. Also, it's always really important to write the way YOU want to, not the way your reviewers dictate. I've almost made that mistake many times, being a person who likes to please others, (I sound like a whore) but luckily I stuck with my own ideas.

And oh my gosh. FF.net makes me so angry. I wish slashouts were allowed. I want to post Breaking Point so bad. I guess I'll just do some lame symbol to notate it... Mrgh.

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Yay, finished Parallels and uploaded it today. I don't think the response will be too great but I don't care all that much. Just writing for the enjoyment, you know? There's no greater feeling than just sitting down with my laptop or handy dandy notebook (heh) and typing/scribbling out paragraphs after paragraphs of thoughts, dialogue, and character interactions. It gives one this amazing feeling of accomplishment.

Ah, but after reading the other four fics in the Cars section, I felt a little deflated. My stupid ego hates that there are always authors that are so much more amazing than I am. But I love them nonetheless, ego be damned. If there weren't such great writers in the world, what would I spend the whole day reading? So it all works out in the end, haha. I've also taken to leaving reviews that I hope will make people happy. I know that reading reviews and looking at my stats page cheers me up on any bad day. :)

I have another plot bunny in my head already, so I'm still excited, haha. But god how I admire everyone's characterizations. I am terrible at keeping characters IC. It's so freaking difficult. I always worry that if I CTRL + F-ed this story, replacing the characters' names with other people, the story would still work. Which is a sign of AWFUL characterization. -_- I'm pretty crappy at dialogue, too. Because of the characterization thing, along with the fact that I'm not very...culturalized, haha. My dialogue's usually pretty bland. Oh, and I can't write kisses for shit. But I can do emotions alright, I think. I do like me my angst. At least I'm great being at dramatic lines and I've been told that I use line breaks very wisely. I'll have to agree. I've always loved dramatic line breaks. Yay.

(Stupid commenting system I can't seem to fix. I have no clue what's wrong with it.)

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Daily blogging is fun. I've really missed this.

I am so weird, really. I'm on a crazy Puppyshipping streak that started this morning at 230, and like it's just... I don't know, it's really odd! I can't figure out what the heck I am. Okay, so things like Aragorn/Arwen in the FOTR, that lovey scene between V and Evey, romantic comedies, and the sound of sappy stuff like the Titantic and the Notebook make me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit, but they're just annoying and stupid to me. And yet I bawled for over fifteen minutes after Brokeback that first time. Not to add that I tear (and sometimes cry if it's really well written) at fanfiction all the time. For a long time I hated even the thought of het fic. It was really weird. And even when I got over that phase, I thought that I was just...partial to homosexual relationships in media and stuff. Just because.

But today I encountered some of what used to be my favorite ships/stories and I felt sick! It was just so...FLUFFY and SAPPY. And I realized, that heck, it has nothing to do with the gender of the people involved or their sexuality. I mean, what really makes any romantic story enthralling, captivating, and beautiful? The struggle. I cried just as hard at Love Actually as I did Brokeback. And the former was about a million het couples. But it was about struggle, compromise, endurance. It was about love.

I read this gorgeous passage recently and was struck by how much truth it contains:

"True love is about not getting what you want," Snape continued in a deadly whisper. "It is about living without the person you desire." Lupin held Snape’s gaze unflinchingly, making Snape suddenly uncomfortable. But he plunged on, blood hammering in his veins and emotion coursing through him. "It’s about watching the person you most desire, watching him toss his life away with another, another who is not half the man he is… it’s about watching all of this, watching it for fucking years, and doing nothing."

"Love, Lupin, is not about joy. It’s about endurance."

What was Love Actually about? A man cheating on his wife, a man in love with his best friend's wife, a boy in love with a girl who has no idea and is leaving the country, a woman who is obsessed with co-worker but cannot be with him because of family issues, and more. What was Phantom of the Opera about? A man desperately in love with a woman betrothed to another. What was Brokeback Mountain about? Two men who fall in love but cannot spend the rest of their lives because of society and the homophobia deep-seated in one of the men.

What pairings do I adore? Those of enemies, rivals, and the such. Those with one party being scornful, cold, hateful, loveless and the other party melting their heart. I'm not really into best friend pairings because they're just so...easy. I like the passion, I like the fighting, I like the heartbreak, I like the desperation, I like the hiding of one's true feelings underneath a mask of stone. I like struggle. I like struggle before the happy ending, because nothing in life is easy. I like struggle before the happy ending because it makes the end result--the happiness--even more special.

I suppose I'm just a complicated kind of sap, haha.

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Speaking of money, I hated it when Mark was like trying to prove to me that I was rich or something. He kept saying, "I know you don't act like snotty about it and you don't care, but look at what cars your parents drive" blah blah blah. And kept talking about how he and Jayne were talking about how well off I was and how they weren't. What was the point in telling me that, huh? Make me pity them? Make me feel ashamed? I don't fucking get it.

It made me so mad. It felt like the two of them were trying to put some kind of stupid shallow barrier between us or something.

So I'm not two bucks away from the poorhouse, but it's not like I'm freaking Bill Gates either. It's funny how one can actually feel offended by being called rich. Ah, irony.

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I don't care what they say, I'm not fucking SPOILED.

I wanted to buy some Cars toys but Mother said no.

Jayne was like, "It's not like my mom lets me buy everything I want to buy. You're so spoiled, Elaine."

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT it was with MY OWN FUCKING MONEY, which I CAN SPEND HOWEVER THE FUCK I WANT. BECAUSE I FUCKING EARNED IT BY WORKING! The only freaking PROBLEM was that Mother'd scolded me before for ordering stuff without asking her beforehand. And so I asked. Well what's the point of telling me to ASK you if you're just going to SAY NO. Here I was hoping that I could try to get along with her this summer, but god now I want to be cold to her just to spite her. I don't want to go to the stupid concert with her next week and the only thing that makes me still want to go see Cars with her is the FREAKING MOVIE. Swimming? Fuck going with her at night, I'll just go by myself.

I really really hope someone will be able to order them for me. Jayne offered but I don't know if her mom will let her or if she'll think it's too much money. I'm hoping Diana will but it's kinda the same problem as Jayne. Maybe my cousin. Please please please please please let me have this. I'm even willing to give up the $160 straightening/curling iron I've been wanting for a year from my parents for my birthday in exchange for a bunch of Cars merchandise.

She was like, if you're going to see the movie so many times why do you want to spend even more money on it? I hate how nobody understands how wonderful and amazing it feels to be obsessed about a fandom.

Mother had better at least let me buy the fucking game and poster.

Maybe Father will be more reasonable. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

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I was just researching for my next layout and found that the styles vary so much nowadays. Blogging has really died down in the past two years, and with it many of the most talented webdesign artists. It's a shame, really. They were my heros. Now what we have left are some amateurs, some of the really talented oldies, some people like myself who just do it because they enjoy it, and a bunch of Xanga/Myspace whores who think they're the shit but couldn't freestyle if their lives depended on it. Great. But I was surprised to see that some people are still designing in the style we all did in '02. That was comforting to see. :)

I miss the old days. I miss when blogging used to be about the creativity and beauty of the layout and just expressing whatever you felt, whenever you felt it, on a page that no one you knew in person would ever see. I miss when blogging used to be about venting frustrations and being lovesick and updating readers on every single thing that happened in your life, every single thought that crossed your mind. I miss when everyone would have links to everyone else and people from all over the world would read your thoughts and offer advice, comfort, or maybe just say hi. I miss when it wasn't about trying not to say anything that would offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings or make anyone angry. I miss not having to hold myself in check. I miss it being safe. I miss ranting about whatever the hell I wanted to without people becoming hostile, without people being hurt, without people chiding me or trying to change my views. I miss getting twenty hits a day and not having them all be myself. I miss my old Internet friends. I used to have more Internet friends than real-life friends, you know?

And while I'm on the subject, I miss the FF.net days. I miss being Internet popular. I miss the days when I thought higher of myself and just chucked out whatever story I could wrench out of myself out there for all to read. I miss updating at least three times a month! Now I'm lucky if I finish one story a year.

It all ended because I started being afraid, I guess. Afraid people would be angry if I expressed my thoughts, afraid people would think I was a terrible writer if I wrote a certain scene a certain way, afraid... Worried... I don't think I've ever realized that I didn't used to be like this. I didn't used to be so insecure.

What happened to me? With age comes wisdom, I guess. And the more you know, the more scared you get.

But I guess it's no use missing the past.

"If you can't fix it, you've got to stand it."

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And I totally forgot to say:

I'M DONE WITH CHINESE SCHOOL ONCE AND FOR ALL!

Hello sleeping in on Sunday! Hello sleeping in at sleepovers! YAY! :D

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YAY SCHOOL IS ALMOST OVER FINAAAALLY
but I'm kinda sad about that too. :( I can't believe an entire year is already over! God, so much has happened this year.

• Giving up on Michael for New Person.
  
• Four times...
  
• Being asked out at Christmas, and then being in my first official relationship for nine hours before being dumped.
  
• Giving up New Person because it was just stupid to think that it would ever work out.
  
• FREED HOMEWORK/ESSAY/STAYING UP ALL NIGHT AAAAAGH
  
• Stressing over AP Euro tests, finals, essays, the AP test, etc.
  
• BORING CHEM CLASSES WITH JAKEL AAGH.
  
• BORING SPANISH 3 WITH RUNDLE AAGH.
  
• October 13th... :D Still one of the best days ever.
  
• Pretty Girl unofficial rivalry/drama.
  
• Homecoming!!!! :D That was a night of fun!
  
• Dancing at football games!
  
• Social life improvement. YAY. Accepting lack of popularity because I'm just so damn happy without it! Yay!
  
• CRAZY HALLOWEEN NIGHT :D
  
• Seeing the fantastic plays!
  
• Eating out a LOT! Great food, massive amounts of money wasted. Oh well, I guess. Fun times at BUCA!
  
• Hanging out before and after AP Euro review sessions!
  
• DISNEYLAND
  
• Vegas and Dana Point vacations with la familia. :)
  
• Appreciating everything I've been gifted with, even though I don't deserve any of it.
  
• Christmas presents! Gift-giving and gift-receiving. :)
  
• Playing Telephone and Truth & Dare. YAY.
  
• A LOT of stressing out about grades and being more Asian than ever. But not achieving. But that's okay. I don't need them to keep me happy. :)
  
• My Girl. ♥ :)
  
• Getting closer to everyone, really. This year was a good one for that. ♥
  
• A lot of NHS and CSF hours/points volunteering and dinners!
  
• Getting in some fights/arguments with people.
  
• Birthday parties! Kristine, Erin, and Jayne, yay!
  
• Being more open with my feelings and being less afraid to state my opinions. :)
  
• Picking a field to go into, once and for all.
  
• Just having a bunch of fun and being happy in general. :)
  

I think this was the best year of my life. ♥

I LOVE YOU GUYS TO DEATHHH :D

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Euro project presentation on Monday, and I'm going to have to do IMPROV. Oh god, I'm terrified. My grade hinges on this, I swear. It's worth so many goddamned points! Argh. And I'm terrible at both public speaking AND thinking on the spot. At least we're going to go first, so Ms. Peck will go easier on us. Thank god. Damn all them cool people groups. I wish we were all in one class. Then this might actually be kind of fun, and I wouldn't be afraid to argue! Grr. We're meeting tomorrow after school, and then againon Saturday. Gah! I'm going to be so glad when this is over. Sooooo nervous! Plus, I have no idea how the fuck I'm going to answer the topics, since I'm Franz Ferdinand, and well, what the fuck do I care about religion, education, or technology?! Mrgh.

Chem grade is super borderline A (90.0!!!!), and I got an 89% on the last test, so it's probably going to go down? We took a quiz today that I'm hoping I did all right on. OMG, I have to get an A in these two classes! Math is hopeless, and well, since I can't do anything about it, it's kind of a comfort. At least I don't really have to worry about any math thing anymore. So much for my hard-earned A, damn it. Mrgh, I guess at least I got an A in Freed. Mindy keeps telling me that I can still make the A. Sweet girl, but eh. But anyway, I'm going to do as much Chem extra credit as I can. Ehh, a poster is better than a presentation any day.

I need to talk to my aunt about my summer job... I kinda want to get a job like, somewhere outside of the Bakery, but I'm kinda terrified? I guess I'm not going to take the Flash class. ...Hrm. Still have second thoughts. Really don't know, but I think I'm going to need to get the Admission Form signed... Gah. I don't want to talk to no stinkin' counselors!

Mrgh. Off to look for job openings now.

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Yesterday was pretty awesome. SmartMusic with Jayney in the morning; Mindy came and visited. :D Then Joe Sill (!!!) came in. I was half expecting Ryan to say hi to us like he did that one time! That was really sweet. I never know whether or not to say hi to him, though. Shy. :( Classes were short because of late start, yay! Spanish is so terrible now that I like CHEM better. CHEM. With JAKEL. Yikes. Lunch was lovely fun as usual. In Orchestra we got to hang out for like twenty minutes, which is always fun.

At night I picked up Jayne and we went to the concert. Yay! Concerts are fun. We played...all right. Not fantastic, but not terrible, either. The solos were dumb. Neil is still unbelievably cute, though. Oh, and Nam blew a kiss at Jayne! Life is so not fair. ...Damn it, why are the freshmen all so cute?! Grr. I wish I were a cute boy! Man, I'd have it good, with all the girls crowing at my feet. ...Ahem. Allow me to indulge in my fantasties. :) Anyway, we hung out with Mark for a while (yay!), then Kelly, Jayne, and I watched the concert with Erin. Cheered a lot. Wendy Peterson, hahhaa! Then Kelly left, and after the whole thing was over, Maggie and Erin left with Kelli. Jayne and I had to stay a while, waiting for Beth to finish cleaning up so that she could give us a ride home. I suppose Jason and I are acquaintances, now? Jayne made me take a picture with both Mr. V and him. And Mark. I put my arm around Mr. V's waist. Heh.

Today after school Jayne spotted Ray shirtless in the parking lot, and Di and I ran after her. Holy fuck. That boy is sex in a bottle, I swear. Diana was melting over his abs, hahhaa. That was fun.

And tomorrow Kelly's dad is taking us to Disneyland for Kelly's birthday! And almost all of us are going this time! Amanda has another engagement : but hey, there's still summer! I'm super pumped. It feels like we haven't been there in forever, even though it's only been like, two or three months or something. I hope it'll be awesome. We'll be dying under the heat, though! But hell, we're park-hopping this time! :D

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