new year's
mood: 
content
music: Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray
A lot of people are really cynical about New Year's resolutions, but they've always been important to me. How exciting is it to go back and see what you've accomplished in 365 days? Last year, I wanted to...
Stop deprecating myself/my lack of abilities and talents stop whining about not being the best and just enjoy it; be a better friend and instead of only providing an ear and "aww"s, try to give advice/comfrot/assurances; stop lying and trying to get people to think I'm great; and a bunch of other stuff I can't think of at the moment. And then of course there's the practical ones, like practicing more, learning PHP, and writing like crazy. Will I achieve them? Doubtful. Some things are easier said than done, yeah?
And I can hardly believe how much I've achieved. I'm so much more confident now, thanks to my friends' support and encouragement (thanks especially to Mark, Jayne, Kelly for always believing in my abilities and pointing out my good qualities--and of course, Diana and Mag for putting me down when I've needed it
). Never did I think that I'd live to see the day that I didn't actually think that I was an ugly piece of shit who was talentless, worthless, loveless. But thanks to my friends, schedule mix-ups, MySpace (sadly enough), and reviewers from all over the world, I'm finally aware that though I may not be an overachiever with straight A+ grades and a 2400 SAT score or a gorgeous, popular girl everyone loves to greet or an Internet-famous author people worship fandomwide or an incredibly talented webdesigner who does commissions for millions or a master musician or artist or even just somoene with a more conventional family and a lot of money... I'm Elaine, you know?
I may not be the most popular and adored person in the world, but I have wonderful, hilarious friends who are oodles of fun, who truly do love me, who aren't afraid to put me in my place, but who always support me when I need it. My family members and I may be all kind of estranged from one another, but at least I know that they love me and that I can get along with them if I put in the effort. My grades may not be the best and I may not be the most respected student at my school or even in my group of friends, but at least I get A's and my friends and some others respect that. I may claim to suck royally at math because it's my worst subject (significantly), but at least I'm in high-level math classes and have managed to pass them (so far!)--and at least I make up for it in a way with my strength in English (or at least my love for it!). I may not write the best fanfiction in the world and may only be celebrated in small fandoms, but at least I've got that (Mistletoe! All my Cars fics!)--and besides, I write for the pure joy of writing, not for the attention or the compliments. That's why I've always continue to write RL fiction that I know I will never be able to publish online. I may not be a supertalented PHP expert or an amazing Photoshop guru, but my layouts are pretty and well, I have fun doing it. Hobbies don't have to be things one is good at--they just have to be things that one enjoys doing. And I enjoy writing and webdesigning immensely, so that's enough. (Until it college, anyway!) Maybe I'll never get into Symphonic Orchestra and maybe I'm only Principal Second Violin in the lowest orchestra at school, but at least I have that, right? It could be worse!
Plus... If I were just another anonymous Asian in Symphonic... I would never have become this confident. Gosh, who would've thought that leading a not-so-talented orchestra could change one's life completely--and for the better, at that! I can't even describe how it happened, but I mean... I've had to take on this leadership kind of role thing and it really forced me to gather my act together and improve. Plus, being forced to teach freshmen things and helping them to improve and set a good example and all that stuff... It's really altered me. Plus, I've changed a teacher's opinion of me! I now feel so much more comfortable around Mr. V. ...Well, except for the whole he thinks I'm Jayne's lapdog thing... But still.
If nothing, I've proven my abilities to myself!
And becoming confident has helped me in areas outside of school as well. Instead of fearing getting on the nerves of my friends or bothering them, I now am much less tentative about IMing them, calling them, making fun of them.... I also care a lot less about impressing them. I mean, I'll always have that complex, but I know I've become way better this year. Like, I used to care so much about Kelly's opinion of me. I needed her approval, her acceptance. But this year, I realized how stupid that is--and besides, we have a ton of fun now, now that I've let go and just let myself be me--a total dork who may not be the smartest, funniest person ever but definitely tries hard. And instead of being afraid of giving crap advice or voicing my opinions, I now try my best to help troubled friends in addition to offering an open ear. And judging by how little Mark and I have argued lately, and how little Mag has upset me lately, I'm way more sensible now. I know I can't always be right. I hate it to death, but I know it. And maybe it's okay to concede and admit defeat once in a while.
You know, I really do think that in this past year, I finally grew up. No more little Elaine always whining about everything and seeing the glass half empty and being a total hypocritical backwards bigot--though I guess I'm still pretty damn melodramatic!
And as for the other resolutions... though I did end up quitting piano, I guess at least I'm practicing violin more now. Can't have a section leader messing up on bowing, especially, which is my weakness. So that's something. And I may not have mastered PHP, but at least I can work with it now. A little. It just takes a ton of patience, that even a pretty patient person like me finds frustrating. But I'm working on it. And I've definitely accomplished the "writing like crazy" resolution. I can't remember a more prolific year--except for that amazing 2002 (or was it '03?), of course. That's been a ton of fun for me, especially experimenting with so many fandoms and getting positive feedback (mostly... Damn Defeat wasn't very well-received--I guess my old Darkshipping friends have gotten way more elitist than ever before. Damn).
I've learned so much this year. And my relationship with Jayne has definitely taught me a ton of things I would never have learned otherwise--things about myself, about relationships, about my friends, about the world. I'd always called myself an independent person (in some aspects at least; I'm kind of dependent on support from others), but I never realized how much independence I need. I used to talk about being anti-social a lot, but I never realized how much of an introvert I really am. I've also learned a lot about how stubborn I am: very, haha. I really don't... I mean, everyone's always talked about how easy I am to order around and how much of a doormat I am and how my future husband (apparently I have one)/boyfriend will probably beat me and stuff. But the summer taught me that if I don't feel like doing something, and then am bothered about it repeatedly, I'll just like...get super stubborn and just refuse to do it. And well, I'm terrible at compromise. I guess I already had already known that I have a hard time giving in, but I really...really have a problem with it. I know that'll probably get me in deep trouble in future relationships (...if any, ha ha...), but I'm working on it. The first step is always admitting your problem, right?
I also learned a lot about what I really want from a relationship: mainly independence and understanding. Independence to do what I want to and understanding about why I do things, why I don't do things. I guess I ask a lot. And I guess what we wanted wasn't the same, and that's why it bombed out? She wanted like...this lifelong forever chick flick true love thing... Like most (stereotypical, at least) girls, I guess. I just wanted...like for it to be like a really close friendship, but more, I guess. And well, I guess I just have to find someone who thinks like that, too. Joseph was talking to me about his girlfriend and about how she keeps asking him to just treat her like a friend instead of babying her around and using sappy endearments and stuff, and how he was so annoyed and confused by that--confused about what the point of going out was, if they were going to act like friends. It was interesting.
And I... I don't know, it's kind of interesting how after this, I became closer with my friends. Maybe that's a completely unrelated change, maybe it's just 'cause I was so distant those first few months, but...yeah. Except for... I guess I lost Kristine. I hate to think about it, but I guess... She never really fit in with us? She was always so popular at PV, always hanging out with the cool kids, always talking to all the guys and... I was so happy when she started warming up to all of us, especially all of us as a cohesive group. I was so afraid she'd think herself too good for us, but I mean, it worked out fine... For those awesome months, anyway. Jayne was a "stranger" in that sense, too, kinda... I know she felt out of place very often. That's why I thought it was so great when she and Kristine were so close... But I guess when Jayne and I got together that just kind of isolated Kristine and it... She found other friends, I guess. Friends that she fit in with better, who were just as cool as her... And while I'm glad that she's found her niche at IHS, it breaks my heart that she rarely comes around the Amphitheater anymore. Gosh, I miss those times Di, Kristine, Jayne and I would hang out. We were so vulgar and lusty and crazy and it just... It's never going to be like that again, yeah? I used to always be afraid that our whole group would collapse and each of us would drift in our own direction, but I never really thought that one person would slowly depart while the rest of us became even closer. I know we get upset sometimes that she only visits us periodically now and that we seem to be able to count on her absence nowadays... But really, things ain't the same without her--whether she was sitting at the edge of the group listening to music or sitting with us and making fun of Mag about Mytchel or calling Diana names or even just giggling with us over some inside joke... She was there. And it really does upset and confuse us that she's not anymore. But at least she does still visit us. She hasn't ditched us completely--and I sound like a clingy whore, but I'm glad. And that's why we still invite her to our outings, why I still count the Amphitheater Kids as a group of eight.
And about my other friends... It's like, I learned about how much they really love me; how much they are willing to tolerate from me. Diana knew from the start that it would never work out, but when she saw how much I wanted Jayne to be my girlfriend, she advised me to be patient and wait out the storm. I will always remember that. Mark knew as well, but he let me ramble on and on about love and about forever. Mag, Kelly, and Erin never accepted my sexuality, though they tolerated it, and I guess seeing me involved with a chick opened their eyes and made them face what they really thought of certain things. But shit, we got over that hurdle. There were definitely some hard times--the ranting entry Maggie wrote still sears my mind and the words I wrote to her in that late-night response letter still evoke a myriad of emotions within me--but damn it, we conquered. I am now more aware than ever of how deep friendship runs, of how deep my friendships with everyone run. And Amanda... Damn, Amanda accepted it right off bat. I knew she supported same-sex marriage--she's a romantic--but it's like... I wasn't sure if she'd support such things if faced with it, ya know? See, it's like... I knew Diana and Mark wouldn't give a fuck about her gender 'cause they're such logical people. But romantics dream and are often smacked in the face by reality, I guess. But Amanda continued to support me throughout it all. And for that, I'll always be thankful.
It always kind of amazes me how much I always have to say about my first relationship, but I mean... It was definitely life-changing. I know it was for her, too. I apologized for bringing her into this mess--I realize that whole thing was my fault and I fully accept that--but you know what she told me? I shouldn't be sorry. 'Cause she experienced the best thing that ever happened to her. And I'm still sorry--but I'm glad we had that. I'm glad we were able to share those wonderful months, those wonderful moments, those wonderful feelings. And besides... We're so much closer, now. If it was a test of friendship--we definitely aced it.
And my family... Well, we're still pretty messed up. But Jessica a lot less so. I mean, she's still...messed up kinda, but at least we can talk civilly now. More than civilly, in fact. Today, we spent the whole afternoon playing games: Speed, Sorry, Uno, Cars... And not a single time did we argue, not a single time did she cheat/lie/cry/get angry. I'll even go to say that we had a great time, laughing together as well as at each other. I'm... Mark mentioned last night how it's good that I'm trying to be a good role model to her. And I realized, yeah, I am trying. I do try. I know a lot of the times I don't reach her the way I want to, but if I can't teach her things... At least I'll teach her not to hate her sister. Which I know she used to. And I know... She once mentioned somewhere that she missed the way we used to play together and how she was upset that I dedicated all my time to my friends and my crushes and stuff. So... I played with her for hours. I know she enjoyed it, and I'm glad that I did, too. I'm glad we've bridged our differences (through Cars, haha...) and can do this kind of thing now, especially without it ending in hate.
And I... I'm no longer so indifferent to them. I try hard to not be so grouchy and snappy around/at Mother anymore. She works so hard and is so unsatisfied with the way things are, and it just... It's heartbreaking, really. I'm even tearing right now just thinking about it. Today, she, Jess, and I ate at Panera Bread, of which she is totally jealous because like... When she expanded the Bakery to include the Cafe, she wanted it to be like Panera. Sandwiches and soups and breads and salads and like... Totally Western style stuff. But my aunt kind of ruined it for her with all the Chinese stuff and the Chinese attitude and... I just feel so bad for her; she's always being overshaddowed by my aunt and like... Nobody thinks of her as the boss. We were talking about work permits today and I was talking about how I got the form but never finished it because I was too lazy to get my aunt's signature, since I needed the signature of my employee. Mother was like..."You know, I'm the boss too. I could've signed it." And I felt so bad because even her own daughter didn't think of her as the boss... And how sad is that?
Jayne asked me why she doesn't start her own business. She's always wanted to. She's talked about it for years, ever since she was first dissatisfied with the way my aunt does things. But she's waiting until I graduate and Jess enters high school, because she wants to spend as much time as she can with us, especially Jess. She's already missed out on so much of Jess's life, and it's not like the other parent's there taking care of her, even...
Today we were talking about the whole Father-throwing-tantrum-in-restaurant thing, and she was all, "He's changed so much because of all this time he's spent in China, away from us.... But we've changed as well. The reason this never happened in the past is because we always listened to him and abided by his wishes." And I realized what she meant and it was kind of depressing. It's like...we've become so accustomed to his absence that it's become jarring to have him there. And we're so much more independent now. So I guess that's why he upset us. It's kind of depressing but I sometimes think of the three of us as like... I dunno, it's as if my parents were divorced, except that Father is still working to support all of us, and that he lives in our house once in a while. But you know what? It may be tough sometimes, but...it's okay. Father's just trying to earn money for us. Mother at least gets to spend some time with us. And... We may be kinda dysfunctional, but at least... At least we love each other, right? And that's not something to be overlooked.
...Wow, I, uh, digress. Kind of. Anyway...
2006 was a year of happiness. It was definitely the best year of my life. There were ups, there were downs, there were upside-down twists! But I rode that damn roller coaster and when I got off, I was damn thrilled.
I know everyone says it, but I really can't wait to see what 2007 what has in store for all of us. I hope it brings more laughter, more fun, more love, more memories I'll treasure for the rest of my life. I hope it brings more happiness.
This entry is over 3,200 words. Am I fucking psycho? Yes, I think so, too. ...I also realize it's not the 31st yet. OH WELL! This way I get to discuss my resolutions in another entry! Hooray.
contentmusic: Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray
A lot of people are really cynical about New Year's resolutions, but they've always been important to me. How exciting is it to go back and see what you've accomplished in 365 days? Last year, I wanted to...
Stop deprecating myself/my lack of abilities and talents stop whining about not being the best and just enjoy it; be a better friend and instead of only providing an ear and "aww"s, try to give advice/comfrot/assurances; stop lying and trying to get people to think I'm great; and a bunch of other stuff I can't think of at the moment. And then of course there's the practical ones, like practicing more, learning PHP, and writing like crazy. Will I achieve them? Doubtful. Some things are easier said than done, yeah?
And I can hardly believe how much I've achieved. I'm so much more confident now, thanks to my friends' support and encouragement (thanks especially to Mark, Jayne, Kelly for always believing in my abilities and pointing out my good qualities--and of course, Diana and Mag for putting me down when I've needed it
). Never did I think that I'd live to see the day that I didn't actually think that I was an ugly piece of shit who was talentless, worthless, loveless. But thanks to my friends, schedule mix-ups, MySpace (sadly enough), and reviewers from all over the world, I'm finally aware that though I may not be an overachiever with straight A+ grades and a 2400 SAT score or a gorgeous, popular girl everyone loves to greet or an Internet-famous author people worship fandomwide or an incredibly talented webdesigner who does commissions for millions or a master musician or artist or even just somoene with a more conventional family and a lot of money... I'm Elaine, you know? I may not be the most popular and adored person in the world, but I have wonderful, hilarious friends who are oodles of fun, who truly do love me, who aren't afraid to put me in my place, but who always support me when I need it. My family members and I may be all kind of estranged from one another, but at least I know that they love me and that I can get along with them if I put in the effort. My grades may not be the best and I may not be the most respected student at my school or even in my group of friends, but at least I get A's and my friends and some others respect that. I may claim to suck royally at math because it's my worst subject (significantly), but at least I'm in high-level math classes and have managed to pass them (so far!
)--and at least I make up for it in a way with my strength in English (or at least my love for it!). I may not write the best fanfiction in the world and may only be celebrated in small fandoms, but at least I've got that (Mistletoe! All my Cars fics!)--and besides, I write for the pure joy of writing, not for the attention or the compliments. That's why I've always continue to write RL fiction that I know I will never be able to publish online. I may not be a supertalented PHP expert or an amazing Photoshop guru, but my layouts are pretty and well, I have fun doing it. Hobbies don't have to be things one is good at--they just have to be things that one enjoys doing. And I enjoy writing and webdesigning immensely, so that's enough. (Until it college, anyway!) Maybe I'll never get into Symphonic Orchestra and maybe I'm only Principal Second Violin in the lowest orchestra at school, but at least I have that, right? It could be worse!Plus... If I were just another anonymous Asian in Symphonic... I would never have become this confident. Gosh, who would've thought that leading a not-so-talented orchestra could change one's life completely--and for the better, at that! I can't even describe how it happened, but I mean... I've had to take on this leadership kind of role thing and it really forced me to gather my act together and improve. Plus, being forced to teach freshmen things and helping them to improve and set a good example and all that stuff... It's really altered me. Plus, I've changed a teacher's opinion of me! I now feel so much more comfortable around Mr. V. ...Well, except for the whole he thinks I'm Jayne's lapdog thing... But still.
If nothing, I've proven my abilities to myself!And becoming confident has helped me in areas outside of school as well. Instead of fearing getting on the nerves of my friends or bothering them, I now am much less tentative about IMing them, calling them, making fun of them.... I also care a lot less about impressing them. I mean, I'll always have that complex, but I know I've become way better this year. Like, I used to care so much about Kelly's opinion of me. I needed her approval, her acceptance. But this year, I realized how stupid that is--and besides, we have a ton of fun now, now that I've let go and just let myself be me--a total dork who may not be the smartest, funniest person ever but definitely tries hard. And instead of being afraid of giving crap advice or voicing my opinions, I now try my best to help troubled friends in addition to offering an open ear. And judging by how little Mark and I have argued lately, and how little Mag has upset me lately, I'm way more sensible now. I know I can't always be right. I hate it to death, but I know it. And maybe it's okay to concede and admit defeat once in a while.
You know, I really do think that in this past year, I finally grew up. No more little Elaine always whining about everything and seeing the glass half empty and being a total hypocritical backwards bigot--though I guess I'm still pretty damn melodramatic!
And as for the other resolutions... though I did end up quitting piano, I guess at least I'm practicing violin more now. Can't have a section leader messing up on bowing, especially, which is my weakness. So that's something. And I may not have mastered PHP, but at least I can work with it now. A little. It just takes a ton of patience, that even a pretty patient person like me finds frustrating. But I'm working on it.
And I've definitely accomplished the "writing like crazy" resolution. I can't remember a more prolific year--except for that amazing 2002 (or was it '03?), of course. That's been a ton of fun for me, especially experimenting with so many fandoms and getting positive feedback (mostly... Damn Defeat wasn't very well-received--I guess my old Darkshipping friends have gotten way more elitist than ever before. Damn).I've learned so much this year. And my relationship with Jayne has definitely taught me a ton of things I would never have learned otherwise--things about myself, about relationships, about my friends, about the world. I'd always called myself an independent person (in some aspects at least; I'm kind of dependent on support from others), but I never realized how much independence I need. I used to talk about being anti-social a lot, but I never realized how much of an introvert I really am. I've also learned a lot about how stubborn I am: very, haha. I really don't... I mean, everyone's always talked about how easy I am to order around and how much of a doormat I am and how my future husband (apparently I have one)/boyfriend will probably beat me and stuff. But the summer taught me that if I don't feel like doing something, and then am bothered about it repeatedly, I'll just like...get super stubborn and just refuse to do it. And well, I'm terrible at compromise. I guess I already had already known that I have a hard time giving in, but I really...really have a problem with it. I know that'll probably get me in deep trouble in future relationships (...if any, ha ha...), but I'm working on it. The first step is always admitting your problem, right?
I also learned a lot about what I really want from a relationship: mainly independence and understanding. Independence to do what I want to and understanding about why I do things, why I don't do things. I guess I ask a lot. And I guess what we wanted wasn't the same, and that's why it bombed out? She wanted like...this lifelong forever chick flick true love thing... Like most (stereotypical, at least) girls, I guess. I just wanted...like for it to be like a really close friendship, but more, I guess. And well, I guess I just have to find someone who thinks like that, too. Joseph was talking to me about his girlfriend and about how she keeps asking him to just treat her like a friend instead of babying her around and using sappy endearments and stuff, and how he was so annoyed and confused by that--confused about what the point of going out was, if they were going to act like friends. It was interesting.
And I... I don't know, it's kind of interesting how after this, I became closer with my friends. Maybe that's a completely unrelated change, maybe it's just 'cause I was so distant those first few months, but...yeah. Except for... I guess I lost Kristine. I hate to think about it, but I guess... She never really fit in with us? She was always so popular at PV, always hanging out with the cool kids, always talking to all the guys and... I was so happy when she started warming up to all of us, especially all of us as a cohesive group. I was so afraid she'd think herself too good for us, but I mean, it worked out fine... For those awesome months, anyway. Jayne was a "stranger" in that sense, too, kinda... I know she felt out of place very often. That's why I thought it was so great when she and Kristine were so close... But I guess when Jayne and I got together that just kind of isolated Kristine and it... She found other friends, I guess. Friends that she fit in with better, who were just as cool as her... And while I'm glad that she's found her niche at IHS, it breaks my heart that she rarely comes around the Amphitheater anymore. Gosh, I miss those times Di, Kristine, Jayne and I would hang out. We were so vulgar and lusty and crazy and it just... It's never going to be like that again, yeah? I used to always be afraid that our whole group would collapse and each of us would drift in our own direction, but I never really thought that one person would slowly depart while the rest of us became even closer. I know we get upset sometimes that she only visits us periodically now and that we seem to be able to count on her absence nowadays... But really, things ain't the same without her--whether she was sitting at the edge of the group listening to music or sitting with us and making fun of Mag about Mytchel or calling Diana names or even just giggling with us over some inside joke... She was there. And it really does upset and confuse us that she's not anymore. But at least she does still visit us. She hasn't ditched us completely--and I sound like a clingy whore, but I'm glad. And that's why we still invite her to our outings, why I still count the Amphitheater Kids as a group of eight.
And about my other friends... It's like, I learned about how much they really love me; how much they are willing to tolerate from me. Diana knew from the start that it would never work out, but when she saw how much I wanted Jayne to be my girlfriend, she advised me to be patient and wait out the storm. I will always remember that. Mark knew as well, but he let me ramble on and on about love and about forever. Mag, Kelly, and Erin never accepted my sexuality, though they tolerated it, and I guess seeing me involved with a chick opened their eyes and made them face what they really thought of certain things. But shit, we got over that hurdle. There were definitely some hard times--the ranting entry Maggie wrote still sears my mind and the words I wrote to her in that late-night response letter still evoke a myriad of emotions within me--but damn it, we conquered. I am now more aware than ever of how deep friendship runs, of how deep my friendships with everyone run. And Amanda... Damn, Amanda accepted it right off bat. I knew she supported same-sex marriage--she's a romantic
--but it's like... I wasn't sure if she'd support such things if faced with it, ya know? See, it's like... I knew Diana and Mark wouldn't give a fuck about her gender 'cause they're such logical people. But romantics dream and are often smacked in the face by reality, I guess. But Amanda continued to support me throughout it all. And for that, I'll always be thankful.It always kind of amazes me how much I always have to say about my first relationship, but I mean... It was definitely life-changing. I know it was for her, too. I apologized for bringing her into this mess--I realize that whole thing was my fault and I fully accept that--but you know what she told me? I shouldn't be sorry. 'Cause she experienced the best thing that ever happened to her. And I'm still sorry--but I'm glad we had that. I'm glad we were able to share those wonderful months, those wonderful moments, those wonderful feelings. And besides... We're so much closer, now. If it was a test of friendship--we definitely aced it.
And my family... Well, we're still pretty messed up. But Jessica a lot less so. I mean, she's still...messed up kinda, but at least we can talk civilly now. More than civilly, in fact. Today, we spent the whole afternoon playing games: Speed, Sorry, Uno, Cars... And not a single time did we argue, not a single time did she cheat/lie/cry/get angry. I'll even go to say that we had a great time, laughing together as well as at each other. I'm... Mark mentioned last night how it's good that I'm trying to be a good role model to her. And I realized, yeah, I am trying. I do try. I know a lot of the times I don't reach her the way I want to, but if I can't teach her things... At least I'll teach her not to hate her sister. Which I know she used to. And I know... She once mentioned somewhere that she missed the way we used to play together and how she was upset that I dedicated all my time to my friends and my crushes and stuff. So... I played with her for hours. I know she enjoyed it, and I'm glad that I did, too. I'm glad we've bridged our differences (through Cars, haha...) and can do this kind of thing now, especially without it ending in hate.
And I... I'm no longer so indifferent to them. I try hard to not be so grouchy and snappy around/at Mother anymore. She works so hard and is so unsatisfied with the way things are, and it just... It's heartbreaking, really. I'm even tearing right now just thinking about it. Today, she, Jess, and I ate at Panera Bread, of which she is totally jealous because like... When she expanded the Bakery to include the Cafe, she wanted it to be like Panera. Sandwiches and soups and breads and salads and like... Totally Western style stuff. But my aunt kind of ruined it for her with all the Chinese stuff and the Chinese attitude and... I just feel so bad for her; she's always being overshaddowed by my aunt and like... Nobody thinks of her as the boss. We were talking about work permits today and I was talking about how I got the form but never finished it because I was too lazy to get my aunt's signature, since I needed the signature of my employee. Mother was like..."You know, I'm the boss too. I could've signed it." And I felt so bad because even her own daughter didn't think of her as the boss... And how sad is that?
Jayne asked me why she doesn't start her own business. She's always wanted to. She's talked about it for years, ever since she was first dissatisfied with the way my aunt does things. But she's waiting until I graduate and Jess enters high school, because she wants to spend as much time as she can with us, especially Jess. She's already missed out on so much of Jess's life, and it's not like the other parent's there taking care of her, even...
Today we were talking about the whole Father-throwing-tantrum-in-restaurant thing, and she was all, "He's changed so much because of all this time he's spent in China, away from us.... But we've changed as well. The reason this never happened in the past is because we always listened to him and abided by his wishes." And I realized what she meant and it was kind of depressing. It's like...we've become so accustomed to his absence that it's become jarring to have him there. And we're so much more independent now. So I guess that's why he upset us. It's kind of depressing but I sometimes think of the three of us as like... I dunno, it's as if my parents were divorced, except that Father is still working to support all of us, and that he lives in our house once in a while. But you know what? It may be tough sometimes, but...it's okay. Father's just trying to earn money for us. Mother at least gets to spend some time with us. And... We may be kinda dysfunctional, but at least... At least we love each other, right? And that's not something to be overlooked....Wow, I, uh, digress. Kind of. Anyway...
2006 was a year of happiness. It was definitely the best year of my life. There were ups, there were downs, there were upside-down twists! But I rode that damn roller coaster and when I got off, I was damn thrilled.
I know everyone says it, but I really can't wait to see what 2007 what has in store for all of us. I hope it brings more laughter, more fun, more love, more memories I'll treasure for the rest of my life. I hope it brings more happiness.
This entry is over 3,200 words. Am I fucking psycho? Yes, I think so, too. ...I also realize it's not the 31st yet. OH WELL! This way I get to discuss my resolutions in another entry! Hooray.
Posted on December 30, 2006 by Elaine
envious but complacent
It's the dorkiest thing, but I've always wanted one. So yay! Onto the LOVELY WONDERFUL SPECTACULAR AWESOME YAY presents...
WOW!), and ate. God, I love break!
Haha... Embracing homework. I was so dumb. Well, they were good times while they lasted. Running to the bathroom after just saying "Hey!", with my heart beating 23580328 times fast and skin crawling with optimism was definitely fun. Nerveracking, but fun.
We always somehow end up meeting each other accidentally, haha. I remember that happened at the Palm Springs outlet, too! Pretty neat. Anyway, I almost won at the horse-racing/camel-racing a ton of times before deciding I was spending way too much money on it. So I tried for the game in which you toss ping pong balls into the little plates. And won a TON. It was awesome! I've never even been good at that, but apparently I was having a lucky day. I even got a ball in the blue plate, which is the highest-scoring plate. On a victorious high, I watched the trapeeze artist show, cheering and clapping a lot. I felt like a total dork, but it was awesome. No matter how many times I watch that thing, I'm still struck speechless every time.
Then we played poker and Diana cooked spaghetti for us. After we ate that, we played Halo/DDR and watched Little Nemo and (Kelly) packed and we did some crafts. Then we just fooled around. I got massaged, w00t. Then we played some BS and Spoons. By then, everyone but Di, Jayne, and me had left. Nina picked us up and dropped us off. It was a fun day. 
hazy
helpless
Ugh, so ridiculous. I just want to change my fucking schedule. I don't think it's going to work out, though. I'm going to end up with like three opens. Freaking ridiculous. And then my senior year's going to be crazily busy. How stupid. I'm considering taking PE next semester, just to get it over with. I dunno, maybe training/running with the freshmen will be good for me.
I think it's about time to finally buy the rest of the songs from Yourself or Someone Like You. 
I guess I was just feeling brave today. Plus, what Diana was doing seemed kinda fun. So I drove. Albeit slowly, but god, who cares--I drove! I even made a bunch of right turns! Apparently I'm really good at making turns and driving close to the curb. That encouraged me. Nina is a good teacher because she's calm and doesn't yell or anything, but isn't afraid to give advice and say what I'm doing wrong.