mood: stressed
music: Surfin' USA - The Beach Boys

I'm stalling. I'm supposed to be evaluating Fred Doug, but I don't know how to start. Goddamn. I forgot how much I hate doing homework. I should also be sleeping, but I need to finish the evaluation thing first. ...Yeah, I'm going to die when school starts. No sleep at all. Oh man, I cringe just thinking about it. I wish school wasn't so tough. I wish there was like, FANFICTION SCHOOL.

I want to read Cars fanfiction. Only, THERE ISN'T ANY. ARGH. I hate movie fandoms because they just STOP a few months after the release. I'm still crazy about it, and I know other people are too, but it's just... I dunno, creativity dies down when people can't see the movie every week anymore. Well, except for the bootleg people, but it's just not the same. Wah, I hope someone writes something soon! I need inspiration! I'm still working on that Chick/Lightning, and man, it's tough. I thought that Doc was hard to keep in-character, but Chick... Yikes! And uke!Lightning is REALLY hard. And it kind of bothers me that I'm writing an established relationship fic when I never wrote a get-together fic. I'm really weird like that. I did start one, though, but then trying to get them together without making them little femme "I LOVE YOU TOO" boys gave me a headache. Grr.

Summer assignments are depressing. I'd wanted to post Breaking Point this summer, too. Well, I mean, I did accomplish so much (four fics! And one was a 7,000 word multi-chaptered one!), but if it weren't for all this damned homework, I could've done more! And once school starts, I'm going to be so swamped over by homework that I'm not going to get the chance to write all the stuff I want to.

Tomorrow I have to wake up at seven to go to the Link Crew training (four hours of BORING SHIT, hip hip hooray ) and then Kelly's birthday party is at five-thirty. I hope I'll get stuff done in the hours between that, but knowing me, I'm just going to end up spending the entire time packing and choosing an outfit that'll be appropriate to wear in front of her parents. I really, really hate school. I don't even want to think about college. Ever. KSDJFKLddalkd;ds

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Man, these Amusement Files really drag out all these memories. Am reading the conversation I had with Mark after I had that OMGSUPERSQUEE conversation with New Person, and I just... Man, I miss how I used to think of him.

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By the way, I love my ID card picture. This year, they put the yearbook photo on the ID card, so I'm really excited. I hope I look good! Especially since this year's yearbook pics will be in COLOR.



w00t.

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mood: stressed
music: Cold - Matchbox Twenty

Summer assignments are a pain in the ass. I'm dreading the coming school year; my English class doesn't sound like very much fun. So far, I've got Mark, Furai, Hotaru, Sarah, Henry, and Cody? I hope a middle classie I know will be in it too. First days are always the scariest. Oh, why oh why do I have to be alone in that class, of all classes? I think my ego is going to die this year. Mark, Jenny, and Jane are in my Bio class? Man, my mornings are going to suck, haha. I hope Tennis will be okay, too. And Orchestra. Eep, seating auditions. I hope my stand partner will be someone nice. Spanish with Kelly sounds good, though, although my ego will probably take a beating then, too. But having someone there will make up for it. (I hope.) And US History sounds good so far. (I got a 516 on history for my STAR test. )

I'm really glad I managed to convince them to change my Pre Cal class. I think it's with Diana and Jayne? Oh man, my ego's going to suffer then too! Hello Blog, get ready for some hardxcore angst. I really hope that a lot of people will drop out of third period English when school starts, 'cause I want to take Comparative Religions. And it would work so well with my schedule! Computer Art sounds nice; hope it won't be too much trouble.

Now, back to the hell of summer assignments. Wah.

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mood: annoyed
music: Long Day - Matchbox Twenty

It's sitting by the overcoat,
The second shelf, the note she wrote
That I can't bring myself to throw away
And also
Reach she said for no one else but you,
Cuz you won't turn away
When someone else is gone

I'm sorry 'bout the attitude
I need to give when I'm with you
But no one else would take this shit from me
And I'm so
Terrified of no one else but me
I'm here all the time
I won't go away
It's me, yeah I can't get myself to go away
It's me, and I can't get myself to go away
Oh God I shouldn't feel this way

Reach down your hand in your pocket
Pull out some hope for me
It's been a long day, always ain't that right
And no Lord your hand won't stop it
Just keep you trembling

And the tears let me know that I haven't changed too much. I guess I just needed the right moment and the right song to match it. Mascara really does smear like the devil.

She still looks pretty as ever and it was so much easier to push the memories and regret away when not having to face her. Everything seems to be a reminder now, and it's a funny feeling, knowing that you hurt this person and regretting that but knowing that this was the best way. And her hands are just as beautiful and her smile is just as lovely and she's just as vulgar and sweet and annoying and amusing and loud and fun, and it's a funny feeling, knowing that you had that, you had that as yours, and you gave it away because you couldn't take the fucking heat of working things out.

Mother has this really pretty Chinese song on constant repeat in her car, and so I asked her what it meant. She told me that it was about hoping for something so bad and upon getting it, coming to a crossroads about what to do now that you have that thing. And because the person cannot decide which path to take, they turn around and walk back. Way to say how this whole relationship thing went for me.

Song are always about broken hearts and perfect love, and how come nobody sings about being the heartbreaker?

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So this is my schedule for the next year... Wow, I hate it.

FALL SEMESTER
1A - AP English Language & Composition
2A - PE Tennis
3A - Honors Spanish 4
4A - US History

1B - AP Biology
2B - Concert Orchestra
3B - Honors Spanish 4
4B - US History

SPRING SEMESTER
1A - ---
2A - AP English Language & Composition
3A - ---
4A - Honors Pre-Calculus

1B - AP Biology
2B - Concert Orchestra
3B - Computer Art
4B - Honors Pre-Calculus

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mood: stressed
music: Ordinary Day - Vanessa Carlton

SUMMER ASSIGNMENTS:

• Read memoir
  
• Write memoir
  
• Take notes (9/6)
  
  
• Read The Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass
  
• Choose three passages; write analysis/reaction responses
  
• Evaluate the book
  
• Essay (9/4)
  
  
• Read The Elements of Style
  
• Take notes on it
  
  
• Literary terms glossary definitions
  
• Figures of speech examples & functions (9/3)
  
• Figures of rhetoric examples & functions (9/5)
  
• Grammar examples

Schedule change tomorrow. I really hope I get the schedule that I want. There's so much to do!

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mood: tired
music: Escape - Enrique Iglesias


Hooray, I ended up being able to celebrate my sixteenth birthday after all! Disneyland with a big group is so much fun.

So everyone met at my house in the morning and we just hung out for a while, waiting for Diana (as usual). More gifts! My friends are the best. ♥ Mag got me the big Mater plushie, a picture frame with Lightning and Sheriff on it, and keychains of the King and Lightning (which I'd planned on buying, so yay!). It was fandom heaven! Cars merchandise = ^___^ And Kelly's gift was soooo sweet and personalized. She got me a Cars coloring book (because it's what I've been raving about lately), a $15 iTunes gift card (because I buy my music), lip balm (because I love makeup), bronzer for legs (because I'm always complaining about my pale legs), and a bunch of bags (because she knows I collect bags!). Even the bag that everything was in is my favorite blue. And Kristine made me a loooovely card. It has the original! polaroid of us at Disneyland for Kelly's party on one side and pictures of the little boys she knows that I love on the other. YAY!

Went on River Run three times, w00t. We sat with an 11 year old kid, this freshman dude, and an old guy, hahah). I went on Tower of Terror for the first time--and then I went on it twice again! The first time, the lady doing the acting was like, "Are there any first riders?" or something, and I was the only one to raise my hand (and terrified-out-of-my-wits-edly!). The entire room laughed. Haha, and before that, this guy in front of me was like, "I bet I'm going to scream louder than you are" and I replied, "No way!" We argued over it for a bit and then I said, "This is my first time," and he was like, "Oh, okay, you're going to scream WAY louder than me." He was pretty cute, heh.

Oh, and when we were getting off of the boat on Jungle Cruise, the attendant said, "Be careful, princess," to me, hahaha. And when we were out of earshot, Diana started talking about how "not-so-bad" he was and spluttering with jealousy when I told her what he'd said to me. Hahahahah. :)

We left at eleven-ish and Di, Mag, Kelly, and Jayne stayed over. w00t!

Amusing moments of the day:

• Me saying "Okay, let's meet at the E in California!"
  
  
• Me blatantly pointing at some guy in the line for Pirates and saying, "I want his shirt!"
  
  
• Diana saying "Shut the fuck up, Jayne! Oh shit! Damn it!" after Jayne swore in front of some kid.
  
  
• Don't believe my terrible math skills? The cashier said "$27.49, please," to Diana, who showed him her annual pass for a discount, and then amended it to "$24.49, please." My response? "OMG, wow, that thing is awesome! $5 off? Wow!" And then, not even realizing my mistake, I went to gush about the wonderfulness of annual passes to Maggie ("$5 off, can you believe it?!), who gave me an incredulous look. I laughed so hard when I finally realized how dumb I was.
  
  
• Spotting this (it was pretty small) in the distance and shrieking "CARS!" at the top of my lungs. I haven't gotten that many stares in a long time, heh.
  

Diana asking, "If you were falling off the top of a building and had to choose whether to land in an 'average-sized' pile of crap from you-don't-know-what (it could be animal or human waste) or a HUGE pile of your own, which would you pick?" and Kelly responding incredibly matter-of-factly (with the facial expression and all), "Of course it would be your own! What kind of question is that!"

When we were all waiting for Diana to get to my house, I called her and talked to her mom on the phone. (It was like half an hour after the time I'd scheduled for everyone to meet.) She said, in a very confused voice, "Is Diana supposed to be at your house right now?"

Walking by some random guy who was saying to his friend, "And then I was lubricating..." and cracking up like a maniac (or rather, like an immature eighth grade boy). :D

Maggie and Diana asking me if I had "panty mattresses" at my house.

In front of Tower of Terror, the waiting time says "13 Minutes". I was like, "Yay, my favorite number! But wow, what an odd number!" And then, "...Oh. OHHHH, I GET IT!"

So I went into a laughing fit and Diana asked me what I was doing. I replied, "Laughing my ass off!" and then Kelly said, "Like LMAO!" As in, actually pronounced it out: lah-mau!



Jayne, Erin, Diana, Kelly, Maggie, Diana's feet, and me.


I thought it was my birthday!






I love this one. I wish Jayne and Amanda were in it, too!



  

  
Maggie's head is up Mike's ass, Jayne is a princess, Kristine has massive fluffy claws, and I'm...sexy. What's the world coming to? :)



Hooray for another successful birthday party! And Kelly's birthday party (her one in June was from her dad and this one's from her mom, haha) is this weekend, yay. (I'm never going to get any homework done.)

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mood: thoughtful but sappy
music: Measure of a Man - Clay Aiken

Mother said that Nick came in a few days ago, and they talked. Nick was this guy who worked at the Cafe two summers ago. The summer before freshman year, yeah, when I first started working there. I had one of those random meaningless crushes on him. He was twenty-one and not exactly a looker. But he had that playful thing going for him, which I am so into, with guys. No clue why, but yeah. Anyway, apparently when they were talking, he kept asking questions about me. Not for the first time, I wonder now if he liked me, too. I'd had the feeling that there was some kind of weird fondness there, but hell, what the hell would some college kid see in an awkward, giggly thirteen-year-old? But I suppose things are just funny like that sometimes.

Looking back, it seems so strange that I still had those random little crushes on random people while I was so broken up and madly in love with Michael. Kinda like betrayal, yeah? I wonder why I didn't feel like that back then. Or maybe I did, but I just don't remember it. I'll have to dig through my old journals some other time. Because yeah, those were the days where I still weeped at least once a week. I saw him at the Carnival, yeah? Things are so different now. And you know, I thought things would spiral out of control, but I... I never broke those little promises I made to myself when I was twelve and enraptured by this little, silly boy who made my heart race and all the blood in my body rush to my face. I said to myself, if this was what being in love felt like, I wanted to only feel it for him. I've felt so much for so many people in this past year that could have evolved into being in love. But it never did, and for that I am eternally grateful. Because maybe I am a romance at heart and isn't it delightfully sad and sappy, to fall in love with a boy at age twelve and have it be the first and last time you feel that way for anybody?

Sometimes, I... Sometimes I still have that little fantasy of mine where we meet again after college and fall in love with each other somethin' crazy and get married and I have his babies and we raise some perfect little family. It's so dumb, but fuck, he always did that to me. Drove me crazy, that boy did.

Still love him. Have him tucked away safely in a corner of my mind, but still love him all the same. Always gonna, I just know it. ♥

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Still digging around the museys. This is part of what Pretty Girl signed in my yearbook, freshman year:

You're so nice + sweet, thanks for that :) I hope we can get to know each other better next year!

Seeing that brings about a flash of happiness (this generic nice/sweet thing everyone puts in everyone else's yearbooks still gets to me every time, I don't know why), a flash of guilt (things didn't turn out so well with the nice/sweet thing, hrm?), a flash of scorn (just how many people's yearbooks did she sign that kind of message for?), a flash of jealousy (just how many people asked her to sign their yearbooks, anyway?), and a flash of indifference (it's all in the past, she's all in the past, and I'll see her at school and maybe be in some of her classes, and she'll just be that girl-I-don't-really like, maybe).

Yesterday, at the Link Crew thing, we stood across a circle, maybe only a few feet across, and maybe I was imagining it, but I'm pretty sure our eyes met. It was pretty uncomfortable for a moment.

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mood: thoughtful
music: Desperately - Michelle Branch

Am digging through old conversations for the Amusement Files. Diana demanded it--she has been for a while--and that's something else altogether, so I decided to put the next one up. It seems so odd still putting Ridts first, as I have from the very beginning, because things are so different now and she definitely doesn't care about me very much anymore, and even less about them. I don't even know if she uses AIM anymore; maybe she has a new screenname or something, 'cause she hasn't been online lately. But it's just... Tradition, you know? It even used to be kind of our thing. It used to please me so much when she'd push for me to update them, because she did that even before we were as close as we were in the end, and I was just like damn, this chick who's so cool and funny thinks that some lame way I broadcast the hilarity my friends exude is the best thing on earth next to, I dunno, all those bands and people she worshipped. And...yeah. I'd feel really bad taking her out completely. Like... Like the way I still keep Mary in there when I can, even though we're not friends anymore. Because she used to push me to update them, too, you know? I guess I'm just trying to honor memories of times long past.

Anyway. Found this while digging:

Elaine: haha when you told me [my thesis statement] was on the board
Elaine: i thought you were making fun of me or something
Mark: ?!
Mark: C"MON
Mark: how often do i praise your writing?!
Mark: *when its not on underage gay porn
Elaine: HAH
Elaine: well i still think youre crazy
Elaine: because i had just said to maggie "hey do you think i could get away with putting my own on the board?! cause i dont really like anyones"
Mark: um, if you dind't think i was somewhat imbalanced i'd say you're crazy
Elaine: and then you were like "yours is on the board!" and i was like 0_o
Mark: heh
Mark: everyone starred yours
Mark: and then mrs. freed completely shot it down
Mark: BUT ITS OKAY!
Elaine: LOL
Elaine: it's ok
Mark: because it was still really good
Elaine: it boosted my self esteem a lot
Elaine: aww
Elaine: thanks
Mark: if you just dind't have passive voice she said it was a great start

I remember that day. I walked out of class that day with a bounce to my step and a grin on my face. I remember being proud of the statement, and thinking "Mine are better than these" when reading those written by some other people the class. It was one of those ProudAboutBeingSuperior!Elaine moments that I always try to feel ashamed of, but sometimes I just... Yeah. Freed slamming it sent a cold wave to my gut, but fuck, my peers thought that it was good. Maybe they just chose it because I was Elaine, that nice, quiet girl who smiled a lot. You know, that friend of Maggie's. But they could've chosen that pretty, popular girl's, or that funny kid's, or their best friend's. But they didn't, and well. She never says it directly, but whenever Diana lists everyone's flaws, mine is always "Caring too much about what other people think", and I know that she's right.

Why do I always have to care that maybe other people don't think of me as smart? Why do I always feel so sad and bitter when someone else becomes the "OMG smart one" or "OMG skinny anorexic one" or "OMG nice, fun one"? Why the fuck should I give a shit about whether people think of me as "quiet, nice Elaine" or "loud, fun Elaine" or "smart, overachieving Elaine", when I am the only one who knows the real Elaine? The real Elaine--warm-hearted and generous but bitchy/silent/cold when irritated, loud and excitable but overly self-conscious and speechless around Not-Friends-and-Family, hard-working (sometimes a little too much, but she has a whole lifetime to sleep and only four years of high school to perfect her GPA and show colleges what she's worth) and always aiming for perfection but always failing and struggling to be content with what any idiot would be happy with because it's not good enough for her, because somebody else is doing better. Always tearing herself up because she's not as good as someone else, always crying over not getting her way like some spoiled seven-year-old brat, always trying to impress everyone and make everyone like her. Brightest days are when she gets compliments (and maybe that's her weakness, but who doesn't like to hear something good about them or something they accomplished said, every once in a while?) and spends time with the good friends and spends time alone (she loves doing both equally, or maybe not, depending on her mood) and finishes something that she's worked real hard on.

It's dumb to let people's words get to you, I'd always thought, and how stupid is that, me of all people, thinking that? Called me a freak (and Michael said, "I don't think you're a freak," and just that memory alone makes me feel like flying), called me too loud, too quiet, too weird, too smart, too arrogant. Called me a stalker, confessed the first impression of me was a solid-B's getter, and the memory of angry, rude, spiteful, chalk words (I HATE LESBIANS) scribbled on aging concrete will remain ingrained in my mind forever. Always brushed that shit off with a look of scorn on my face. But there wasn't any indifference in any of those situations, only pretending. It's okay, now, I barely ever even think on that stuff. It's of the past, of less happier times, and it doesn't deserve to be remembered.

It's easy to say, "To hell with it" about the opinions of people you don't particularly like anyway, but it's harder when one thinks of friends and what they think of you.

Elaine, always trying to be more than she'll ever be, trying to prove to people that she's something that she never was, never has been, never will be. A kid who excels at academics, a straight-A student, a popular fanfiction writer, a skilled web/graphic designer, a computer expert, a talented essay writer, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a girl who can be pretty without trying too hard, a funny person... I'm none of those things, really, but I try so fucking hard.

And it's not like said friends are flaunting it or anything, s'just the way things are. It's just... It's hard being jealous of people you love and cherish dearly.

I don't know why this is all coming out now, not really. Well. I guess I do kind of know. Yesterday I had to go to school for the Link Crew training thing, and seeing all those people I knew was like... I dunno, like my eyes had been clenched tight the entire summer and someone was now prying them open and holding them stretched and wide. I guess seeing everyone, added on to all those "titles" everyone's been plastering to certain people lately, just made me realize.

A funny memory just came to mind. I remember once somebody addressed Ann by her full name and Tony turned around, and sounding incredibly shocked and awed, said, "You're Ann? Ann [insert her last name here]?! The smart one! Oh my god! I've heard about you, but I didn't think that you were-- Wow! Guys, this is Ann ___! The crazy smart one!" It was pretty amusing, and I remember something wrenched in me then. But hell, remembering that makes me remember another thing. Venadies (you know, I've really brainwashed myself into saying "overachievers" instead of them or damn Venado kids or whatever I used to say--I don't even remember!)... Well, the ones that I'm jealous of, they... They're really pretty fucking arrogant and snobby and disdainful of those they deem below them, and well. I'm glad I don't want to be them anymore.

Er. What was the point of this again? Oh yeah, venting frustrations. Goddamn, that's a lot of frustrations. I'm swearing a lot today. I do that a lot when I'm frustrated. Wow, I thought journals were supposed to calm one down, but I started out as merely thoughtful and now I'm frustrated? Rants are so funky sometimes.

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Ever since I started writing, I've been going to my FF.net Stats page whenever boredom began strike. Here we go again!

Dude. Mistletoe got 2006 hits. Dude. I didn't know there were so many people who dabbled in Suite Life fanfiction, much less that many interested in slash and incest. Wow. ♥ I still can't get it past my head that that's my most popular piece. A 2,300 word, kind-of-rushed-and-corny attempt at getting two brothers together, written because there just wasn't enough of it in the fandom. 46 reviews. FORTY SIX REVIEWS for a ONE-SHOT. OOOOOOOOHMYGOD. 2006 hits and 46 reviews. TWENTY-SEVEN people put it on their Favorites. Six put it on their alerts, hoping for more. DUDEkjfadkf;d I don't think I'm ever going to get over that. And I still get reviews.

And The Perfect Date has gotten 1942 hits to date. Holy shit. That's more than Worthy of You and Fly With Me combined. And those two were my big, famous hits. It's pretty crazy, considering that I'd thought that this was a pretty small, secluded fandom. Speaking of that, Island, one of my (only) two POTC works, has gotten 712 hits. WTF IS THAT. POTC people are crazy. It's only 240 words, too. Nine reviews. For 240 words. Wow.

...Okay, I'm done. :)

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mood: annoyed

Sometimes I'm still really jealous of them, when they talk about SATs and colleges and how superior their grades are. But sometimes, when I'm out with friends, or receive a bunch of reviews in one day, or have just spent an entire day working on a website, I think that no, I shouldn't be jealous. Because I definitely have a lot more fun than they ever will in high school. PV kids are so weird? Whatever, keep your pettiness to yourself. If we're weird because we know how to have fun, then so be it.

I'm always bitter because teachers never know me because I don't stand out enough. I'm just that random quiet Asian girl who studies hard and gets an A in the class, but shit, what's her name again? No awards for Elaine, no. It's hard to feel proud of yourself when nobody else is. So I've given up in really excelling in school, really. Do it for your own self-esteem, yada yada yada. I'll be looking other places for ego boosts, thank you very much. School likes to tease me. I'm that girl who was the only one to get 100% on that Really Hard Test, then I'm that girl who stayed up all night and only got ten minutes of sleep but still got a B- on her essay, then I'm that girl who set the curve, then I'm that girl who got the lowest grade in her group on that presentation. I'm that girl who flunked the final, I'm the girl who cried in the library before a test because she wanted an A so badly.

And well, if I can't have the praise of my teachers and friends, then I'll just... Well. Reviews will serve. And really, nobody understands what that's like for me. Getting 45+ reviews on a 2,000 word story about two boys and mistletoe? It wasn't even that great of a story, in my opinion. But forty-five people that don't even know me liked it, and told me so. Now that's better than a teacher's praise any day. Of course, it's not like I can put it on my resume, but I guess all that matters is that I know it.

Sometimes I wish people would completely stop telling me that I'm smart. I'm not smart at all. I just try really hard, but it's never really enough. But then again, I don't think I could live without those people saying those things. Because it just...brightens my day, you know? It makes me hope that maybe I just overanalyze this whole Who Is An Overachiever thing, and that I really am smart.

I guess... It doesn't really matter whether I'm smart or not, in the long run. I just want to go to a good college, find a well-paying job, and live comfortably and happily for the rest of my life.

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mood: successful
music: Desafinado - Stan Getz

The Dangers of Attraction (what I renamed Everywhere) has eight reviews on FF.net and three on LJ already. Wow. Maybe I'm not as mediocre as I think I am, or maybe the readers are just starved for some good ol' Cars slash. It amuses me how the fandom has like 40% slash, 40% OC fiction, and only like 20% het. I want to read some Flo/Ramone! And am I the only one who thinks that Red/Sally would be the cutest thing ever? Diana, for one, though, seems to REALLY be into Flo/Sally. She keeps mentioning it, hahahaa. [amusement] Maybe I'll do something I haven't done in hmm, let's see...EVER! and write some het. Wow. What's amusing is that it probably wouldn't be much of a hit, hahaha. Or maybe it would be a crazy hit! I guess you never know. [ponders]

Anyway, I started on a Fillmore/Sarge piece at work, and hope that that one will turn out all right. Did some homework, too. Am trying to finish Frederick Douglass as quickly as possible, because I REALLY don't want to stay up the whole night before school starts. Oh, how I dread school. I hope that my prolificity will stay, even with the Very Uncool Loads of Homework I Will Have To Stay Up All Night To Work On. I cringe just thinking about it.

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Putting my iTunes on shuffle and singing along to Matchbox Twenty and Michelle Branch, reminds me of someone I loved a long time ago. Apathy is a funny feeling; the poster hangs above my desk still, taunting. This summer has been an awfully enlightening one. Soft but rough skin, feels the same. Secret fleeting touches, too obvious? Laugh and giggle, hand unsteady. Mispellings and foreign words. Foreign feelings. Everything is different, and yet nothing has changed. You've always made me cry like nobody else can.

I am stronger.

Harder.

Colder.

I don't need you anymore.

I never really needed you.

I just pretended to.

-

Sixteen now. Gave him away only last year. It's only been a year? Feels like it's been an eternity. Everyone knows nobody will ever compare. Face-to-face with his ex-best friend and my words still stumble over one another. Let go, but he will never really be gone.

Still keep the picture on my desk. Still the best day of my life. Still remember blasting All I Need all through the night.

and that's all that i need
someone else to cling to
someone i can lean on until i don't need
to stay all through the night
and in the morning let me down
'cause that's all that i need right now

-

Liberated. I am beautiful. I don't need to share myself with anyone else. Nobody else can compare.

I still hate arguing, but I don't pretend to be complacent anymore.

I still lie, but only when the truth is not enough.

I still love reading fluffy fanfiction, but I don't want that for myself anymore.

I am beautiful.

The world is beautiful.

Life is beautiful.

Happiness was handed to me on a platter, and I took it.

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mood: YAY
music: Brokeback Mountain Theme: The Wings (Remix)

Sometimes I think we live for these Disneyland trips. I'm so glad I got that Annual Passport. $139 is nothing compared to the sheer amount of fun we have whenever we go. Of course, there is also the 308023895 dollars we spend on food and other random impulse buys, but hey, it's better than going to wild parties and getting drunk and smoking and doing drugs, right? As the days go by, we get closer, we get more comfortable with each other, we laugh more. The sheer amount of inside jokes and funny stories and teasing/ridiculing of one another--all in good fun, of course--triples. I dread the day when all of this ends. We've got two more years--a long time, and yet such a short one. Well, whatever it is, I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts, with the people I love more than anything in the world.

Mother drove me to Kelly's house in the morning (I saw a Sally--a blue 911 Porsche--on the way!) and Erin showed me her shiny new playing cards (w/ birds + facts on them!) while we waited for Diana. Picked up Amanda, headed off. Park-hopped! It's our new tradition, heh. Went on both Space Mountain and the River Run three times! Erin had to buy a new sweatshirt after the third time she got drenched, hehehe. Missed Indiana Jones, though. But the frozen lemonade and clam chowder and fish n' chips made up for it. (But not for the hole in my wallet! Well okay, I actually ended up having $13 left over! Crazy.)

Watched the Electrical Light parade thing, too. Wow, spastic colors and spastic music! Awesome. Erin and I played Speed and War with her bird cards while we waited (she went CRAZY; I love hyper!Erin) and Diana, Kelly, Amanda, and Duy played with these clear cards that they bought, hahaha. They kept yelling about not being able to see the cards.

Di and I got our faces painted! At first I was like dude, no, too expensive, but then we saw some little girl getting kind of a customized one, so I was like, "OMG I WANT LIGHTNING ON MY FACE". I asked the really nice guy if he'd seen the movie, and he said no, so I asked him for just a red racecar with a lightning bolt on the side. And wow, he did a great job. I was expecting just a red blob with black wheels and a yellow smudge, but it actually looked like a car! He asked if I wanted eyes, but since I was afraid he would mess them up, I told him it was okay. (But later we drew his eyes in with Amanda's eyeliner, hahaha! Even though it wasn't blue.) He even put red glitter on it so that it looked shiny! In the pictures it looks kinda like the Rust-Eze logo. I should've asked him for a "95" on the side, too. Hee. :)

I really wanted to see the Cars Pre-Parade and take pictures with Lightning and Mater, but I was in line for the River Run when it was going on! I really wanted to just go off by myself, but since I was undecided (Grizzly River Run is my favorite ride after Space Mountain, and it's SO much fun with friends) everyone promised that they'd come with me next week to see them. For my birthday celebration. w00t. Best friends ever.

  

  

  

  





  



P.S. I got to see a MASSIVE 107503275037 FT TALL poster of Cars, and watch the Life is a Highway video in the World of Disney store with a huge, maniacal grin on my face. !!!!

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mood: yay
music: I'm Feeling You - Santana

"There are three positions you can occupy in a lane." That line was in one of the 8015707572 vids we watched today in class and it cracked me up SO bad. Get it? "A lane?" "Elaine?" Three positions you can occupy inside Elaine? Sexual innuendo? Jahahahhahahaaha.

I missed one on the quiz today, what! Poo. But it's okay, I had sashimi for lunch, so that more than makes up for it! Tomorrow is our last day, yessss! I think I am even more terrified than I was before I took the class. There's all this techincal stuff and I'm like oh fuck which pedal is the brake! Gah. Doesn't help that all the vids/worksheets we used today were about keeping a safe distance between you and all the cars around you. Can't help remembering Autopia with Mag, when I'd hit her constantly and get yelled at by the D-land people. -_- OMG I WANT TO GO ON AUTOPIA THEY HAVE CARS EXHIBITS INSIDE ZOMGadkfjd;lfkd!!!!!!!

...Anyway. I worked on The Novel at work today! It was funky. I'm writing about a jacket. Theodore's jacket, to be exact. Such a sad story. :( Man, my book needs to be made into a movie. Like, really, it's so beyond awesome. I'm thinking of making a site for it to organize character profiles and explain certain things and stuff. Heh. Anyway, the movie! It'd be like action/suspense/drama/romance. w00t. So controversial, though, haha. What happens after death is a big factor in it, as are same-sex relationships (it's set in the future kinda, when gay marriage is legal). I hope I'll actually finish it someday. Seems like every fanfiction author has a half-finished novel saved on the harddrive nowadays.

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