12:42 AM; These days have been pretty damn great. May is officially my favorite month. So many wonderful things have happened during it--both this year and the last. Last Thursday Michael and I had a real conversation, and he was the one who kept it going! He ordinarily just answers my questions, but this time he volunteered information and--! We haven't had a conversation like that since before he found out I liked him. And the best part was that I myself felt so comfortable w/ it--like I didn't hesitate or predict his responses pessimistically. So I should really stop thinking so much and just talk to him as myself. It's always been so difficult to be myself around him--he makes me so nervous and I'm always worried about...what he thinks of me, I guess. Kinda ironic how just being myself actually gets more of a response than anything else.

In other news... I have been watching a few people and it's nice picturing myself with them. Kinda wishful thinking, but that's what I'm best at, yeah? I've been noticing guys lately and it's kind of weirding me out. Problem is, I've always been kind of strange around guys, hopelessly wanting to be their friend. I don't know. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't feel like pining uselessly after someone new. Michael has already has claim on that. I just want a mutual...courtship. Something. I don't know! I'm not very good at this type of thing. Maybe I just want to have a cute little fun "relationship"--no, not even. Nothing serious, just a little dating. I don't know. Perhaps it'd be nice.

School is out in three weeks, can you believe it?! I don't really want freshman year to end. Being a sophmore sounds so daunting. We have tons of AP Euro homework and some H Brit Lit reading. And then there's also summer school, in which I am taking Health to get it over with. Plus, I'm going back to working at the Cafe. And get community service hours by volunteering at PV. And I want to take some extracurricular classes, too. Meep.

Friends are lovely. Really, they are. And mine are better than yours. ♥

5:47 PM; TODAY WAS SO FUCKING AWESOME. In third period (Orchestra), we went to the theatre to do the finals, which were performances by small groups. At the end of the period, Mr. Venlet told us that he needed us to hang around while he made a phone call. Then we started attempted shooting bright neon orange darts into this cauldron for the hell of it, which was weird but cool. Then Mr. V told us that we had to stay a little because they were doing something outside and we were like, okay, cool. Ten minutes later, fourth period is supposed to have started and Amanda and I are freaking out because we're late for fourth. Then they tell us that we have to evacuate the school because there are two "unidentifiable objects" near the Math and Humanities buildings and we have to be 300 feet away for the police to investigate and all and it was just SO COOL. Coincidentally, today is the seniors' last day, so it has senior prank written all over it. "Bomb threat" my ass! And the police, all caution tape and motorcycles and serious voices and the bomb squad! And we got to skip fourth! This graduating class of 2005 is officially the coolest ever. :D

Mother was in Fountain Valley, so Steve gave me a ride home and dropped us all off at my house. 'Twas nice. There is a new swingset in the park of my community and I'd planned on going on it, but there were these stupid kids on it who wouldn't let us. Meh. And I hear it turned out to be dry ice bombs and one of them went off or something. BUT TODAY WAS JUST SO COOOOOOOOOL. I hear that last last year, the seniors flooded the ampitheatre and filled it up with fish. Ahahaha! I wish all of them good luck, wherever they're going after this.

ETA: [wails] If only I had signed on immediately after I arrived home--! Michael IMed Mary and asked her about it. OMGGGGG. Is it wrong to think that he'd talk to me before Mary?

10:06 AM; Well. It's officially been one year since graduation. A year since we've all parted ways. God, I miss him. Sometimes it feels like it's been eternities since I last sat in a class with him and sometimes it seems like we only just met as little fourth graders and how dare time try to steal all the years away from us? Yesterday Sarah and her ensemble (for Orchestra finals) played Canon in D and I actually cried. I don't know. I want him back.

Time passes too quickly for my liking sometimes. We received our yearbooks yesterday and I was looking through it all and just snickering my head off. We've all grown up so much since eighth grade--even since the beginning of school. Me especially, I think. I don't know. I think high school helped change things a lot, especially the whole getting-to-know-new-people thing. It's much more different being somewhere surrounded by people you've grown up with compared to being around complete strangers and having the chance to make a good first impression. I feel a lot better about myself nowadays--I think I just needed to be acknowledged by new people, to make new friends and to not just be DianaandElaine or Maggie's friend or that smart girl who lets me copy her work--what's her name again?

4:14 PM; Finals started today and I had Biology. We also had to take the reproductive system unit test along with the final. I studied hard but I didn't feel as ready as usual. I barely prevented myself from having an emotional breakdown during my open second period. But it all turned out okay: I scored A's on both tests. I still can't believe that today was the last day of that class. It's practically been my life since school started. Yeah, I'll miss it. Anyway, tomorrow I'll have a H World Studies unit test on India (no final!

) and my Spanish final. And on Thursday I'll just have a brief quiz on musical terms in Orchestra. Then we'll be out of school for two months. I really need to buy the books for my summer assignments and get started on it all.

I've seen two movies recently, Mr. & Mrs. Smith and Batman Begins, which were both pretty cool, I must say. My camera was in Mr. & Mrs. Smith, hee. Good movies have been coming out lately, so I'll probably see more during this summer than I ever have in my entire life. Diana and I have made a pact to spend tons of time together during this summer. I'm sure she'll tire of me in no time.

And I hope to be able to get together with everyone else as well! Today, Mother said that after the finals, I can do whatever I want. Don't know how serious she really was, but I'll just take her literally.

Thanks for the 10,000+ hits!

10:58 PM; Today was wonderful. I only had two classes--Orchestra and Spanish. In Orchestra all we did was sign yearbooks and in Spanish we watched Dance With Me. Orchestra was lovely because, well, guess who signed my yearbook! One of the guys that I had my eyes on earlier this month. At the risk of sounding like a boy-crazy girly girl, I'm going to say that I am so beyond pleased that he's noticed me. I can't stop staring at it. He's so lovely and friendly and nice. I really hope I'll get to know him better next year, and hopefully that's not just wishful thinking.

Oh god, I'm gushing.

After school, I went to the Spectrum with Diana, Maggie, Erin, Amanda, Kelly, and Erin's sister Kelli.

We had a nice lunch (I love smoothies with a passion) and then watched Madagascar, which was a rather cute and fun movie. We walked around some and I made everyone take random pictures. Some actually turned out quite nicely. :) Around 4 we were picked up and Erin's mom dropped me off at Diana's house. Diana made me watch Winx Club, which was horrifying and yet strangely addicting at the same time. Oh, and Diana has stepped a notch up in my book because she listens to Madonna, and I absolutely adore Madonna. Whee. Her mother came home from a TV station convention with a bunch of promotional items and I got some of the "booty", haha. Then she took us riding around in the trunk of her Rav4, which was awesome. We had some In-and-Out. Oh, what a lovely day!

6:51 PM; So far, summer vacation has been aboslutely delightful. I have accomplished great things. Well, not great, just little things like practicing piano, cleaning out my room and my computer, and buying required summer reading books (and some unrequired ones as well).

That was a horrid sentence right there. Ah well. Also! I have been practicing my free writing, which is liberating. So umm, yay? I finished Death of a Salesman on the car back from piano today and I am in awe. It is such a heartbreaking piece. And since I am jumping all over the place here, I might as well inform you that my dreams of learning PHP will apparently not come true. My computer is not agreeing with it and it is just so incredibly frustrating. Oh gah.

Went to summer school this morning at 730 for Health and my god, it must be one of the easiest class in the history of easy classes. We did practically nothing at all, except jot some notes down and watch some random video about sleeping. I wish I had a friend in the class, but all my friends either was unaware of registration, canceled, got cut, or are out of town. I guess I might as well get used to being the little loner again in my classes--next year I am going to have classes with absolutely nobody. Maggie requested an open fourth, Diana requested an open first, and I requested open second or third. We tried our best to coordinate but I think they gave up. And everyone else has completely different things. The coolest thing would be if all us PV kids ended up in English or History or Chem together or something, but well.

The Boy seems to be mattering more and more as the hours go by. Oh please, please, don't let me start again. Part of me wants somebody new, somebody I can see more than once every six months--and the other part knows that somehow, this is not going to be worth it and I'm not going to end up all happy and feeling like things are resolved. I hate when I can't even agree with myself.

9:57 AM; Yeah, umm, so. I don't want to alarm anyone, but I'm on one of my Michael lows at the moment (just times when he isn't the absolute focus of my life) and I've been guiltily wondering if maybe this time it will really end. Maybe being in love with someone for two and a half years is enough. Maybe it's time to end the heartbreakingly delicate and helpless attachment I feel to him. There is someone new and after stressing over it with myself for days, I'm ready to accept that. A part of me is still screaming desperately for Michael, but hell. Maybe it's been too long and I need this. I don't know what's wrong with me. Our eyes met twice today and I got all excited. I don't know whether it's good or bad for me in the long run, this seeing him daily thing. It's wonderful for the short-term, but it pretty much guarantees I'm not going to be able to stop this before it gets all full-blast like.

Summer school is still easy but a little dull. I keep myself entertained by looking for him and reading The Secret Diary of Anne Boleyn, which isn't absolutely horrible, I guess.

Oh, and today we bought a new car for Mother. Yay. Un/fortunately, it caused me to miss out on nearly two whole hours of my first day back working at the Cafe. Work was nice; it wasn't as scary or horrible as I'd predicted. Everything from last summer just kinda flooded back to me and it went pretty smoothly, despite all the new additions to the menu. So yay. And soon after arriving home (and playing around with the Navigation System, something I still find pretty useless but oh well) Mary called with Ridts and Diana at her house! Ridtsy's back! Oh, 'twas so lovely to hear her voice again. I've missed her dearly. Hopefully we can do something together with Kristine tomorrow. :)

12:23 PM; Umm. The last few days have been pretty great! I have been strange but lovely dreams featuring New Person and even one where New Person threw Trix at me and I thought Michael died. Hehe. My Independence Day was not all that special. Like good little Americans, we had a barbecue, though I didn't eat too much. Saw the beginnings of the fireworks, but skipped most of it because fireworks lost their magic last year, the summer I believed that I would never see Michael again. I remember sitting in a lawn chair at the front of my house, drinking potato soup, writing, staring at the dazzling light show, and well, moping. Back then, I was still crying over Graduation. Wow, that seems like ages ago. It's like looking at the picture Michael took with me--I still smile fondly, but it just... It breaks my heart to say this, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore. I look at it and I feel...childish. Immature? Like it was years ago, not only one. I don't know.

Amongst other things, that leads me to the conclusion that I really am letting go, and isn't it funny, the thought of my entries not being flooded with his name? Perhaps I'm finally realizing that it's been too long and I just need to let go. Without a fight, without a struggle, without any regret. Now would be as good of a time as ever, I guess. Things have been good with him lately, what with the Carnival and the Lovely Conversation and all. The fact that I started liking him when I was only twelve still makes me laugh. I'll be fifteen in a week. I guess it is a little ridiculous, harboring a crush that began when I wasn't even a teenager yet. But I don't regret it, not one bit. He gave me the happiest moments of my life and he taught me to not be so pessimistic, because sometimes, miracles really can happen and dreams and wishes really can come true. He made me feel. It is an exhilerating experience, loving someone so much that you know that without a doubt, you would give everything up for him, and you would hand him the world on a silver platter if he wished it. I've learned a lot, and I've come out a new and improved person. And no matter what, he'll still always be the boy I loved desperately and unconditionally.

I feel a little bit like I am betraying him by liking New Person, but hell. Sometimes changes can bring about better things. All I need to do is continue going wherever New Person leads me and if along the way, Michael falls behind...then so be it, yeah?

Anyway. Enough on that front. I am now certified to do CPR, which makes me laugh. Me, of all people doing CPR. Ha! Summer school is halfway over and I am happy! I haven't done anything social this whole summer and I am so eager to get out and just have fun. Hopefully I shall go see a movie with Ridts and Kristine tomorrow. Also, Maggie will be back from the East Coast (lucky! I haven't visited my homestate since ever

) on Sunday, so yay.

P.S. I think I have a thing for New Person's calves. And maybe his arms. Hell, I have a thing with New Person's everything. Except for... No, actually, everything.

3:14 AM; Today was absolutely wonderful. Hell, summer has been wonderful. But today especially so! :) Ridts, Kristine and I got together and watched War of the Worlds, which was fun. We had a great time freaking out because of all the great suspense. It's a cool movie. The effects are wonderful and Tom Cruise is hot. I don't like the design of the aliens, though, and the story/ideas aren't explained very well at all. Plus, I don't think the ending is very realistic and it was way too abrupt. Still a cool movie though.

Walked back to Kristine's and after hanging around without any idea as to what to do, we watched some Monty Python (The Meaning of Life & Holy Grail) and ordered pizza. Kristine gave the pizza kid $5 tip because she is the craziest, most generous person in the world. Fooled around with her sister's new keyboard and Kristine's drumset. I learned to play a bit, heh. Coordination/rhythm is so difficult to master, though! We had dinner at Panera and I got to sit in a cool armchair and discuss Asian politics, peers and schools with Ridtsy. Took cool artsy pictures on the way back and just ran around Kristine's apartment complex like the crazy kids we are. Then we fooled around in Kristine's room and took pictures, because we all secretly love pictures. Maybe me not so secretly.

more w/ captions here! all pics here.

10:37 AM; I am fifteen now! It's strange. I do feel different. It's rather disconcerting, but I also feel light, due to the fact that I have decided to put Michael behind me, once and for all. I don't need to justify by explaining how much I love him, how much raw emotion went into...everything. I don't need to write it out in words and explain how much he meant to me and how he will always bring a smile to my face. Liking Michael has kept me reliving eighth grade over and over again but maybe I'm too old for that, now. It's been a year since Graduation and I'm still here. I'm okay. I guess that means something.

It's been a hell of a year and so many things have changed. I've earned a handful of new friends who are so dear to me now and I've got even closer with friends I already had. I feel more open with myself and everyone now, because I feel accepted. I feel like I belong and it is a wonderful feeling.

I've learned a lot, too. The whole mess with Tom liking me and me being desperate to be appreciated and the fact that it didn't work out taughtme so much about myself and what I want/need. Being away from Michael ironically helped me realized how in love I really was. I really really liked a girl for the first time and sometimes there are still lingering feelings. Oh, and I've finally escaped the awkward alien looks of early adolescence and I am now much more comfortable with how I look and all, which is such a relief. So yeah. Yay.

On the 13th, I was happy because everyone was so nice and lovely and wished me a happy birthday. I feel loved. Mother picked me up an hour after class ended

and I went to Culver Plaza then Crossroads for school supplies + food. Brought the smoothie and pasta salad back to the cafe and afterwards, we went to Office Max. Then piano and dinner at Todai w/ some relatives around Rowland Heights. So yay.

Last night, Ridtsy and Di came to the Bakery to visit while I was working, which was so sweet. Damn it, though. As I was closing up, about 5 million people came in AND STAYED. I was so angry and frustrated. Ridts is leaving on Sunday and I really wanted to spend time with her. I didn't even get to say goodbye properly. MGH! And I have to go again today because some kid who works there is ditching for a party.

10:31 PM; I went to visit my old elementary/middle school today with Diana and Maggie. We didn't really talk to any of the teachers because they were busy, but tomorrow moring, we will go again to volunteer for our community service hours. Last summer, I got exactly twenty-five (because I had work on the side) and everyone else had like...fifty or so hours. Dude. ...So. After visiting the school, we crashed at Diana's house, had breakfast, played (or in my case, stroked once and then watched) with her new snake, and laughed at things on the computer. Maggie left at 1030 and Diana and I played computer games. Diana was so exhausted and crazy because she pulled an all-nighter, and we decided to walk to Crossroads on a crazy whim. I think Di wanted to buy candy at Target or something, but we just stopped for a smoothie and some water and walked back to the school. I was all sweaty and she was sweaty, exhausted, and half asleep. Haha. Luckily, Mother gave her a ride home so I didn't have to worry about her collapsing on the way home, hehe.

After piano lessons in the afternoon/evening, we went to Puente Hills Mall and shopped and ate. I have decided that my shirt-buying must come to an end. I have so many shirts (ones that I will actually wear!) that half of them are wrinkled because they don't fit nicely in my dresser. I hope I can keep this resolution for like...at least two weeks. -_- I would like some new nice jeans (I have ones from like seventh grade, and they're decent and fine and all, but just...yeah), and maybe some more cosmetics because I am just a whore for beauty products. Oh, and I want some new posters! I feel like redecorating my room. Um, anyway. Summer homework! ...Is really annoying. I had a major panic attack today about not getting my stuff done quickly enough/on time, but my friends assured me that I was doing fine, so I feel better about it now. Come to think of it, I'd better get to it now. More about my oh-so-eventful summer in a few days!

11:47 PM; What has happened in the last two weeks? Hrm. I've been going to Plaza Vista to volunteer in the mornings and so far, I have twenty-one hours of community service fulfilled for this summer. w00t. I think I'll only go for a day or so and then I'll be done. I have also been working on my summer homework assignments and I am still panicking a bit about not getting it all done in time, but compared to a lot of my peers, I'm doing fairly well. I will be so incredibly devastated if all my hard work doesn't earn me a good grade.

There was a mess between Diana and me the Thursday before the last, but since I don't do the whole apologizing thing (and if anyone should apologize, it's her), it's been pushed aside. When she mentions it, I just keep my mouth clamped shut. To make a long story short, Mark came to visit me at work and we had fun. Diana came after an hour and a half or so. After he left, she she spun my mom some shit about Mark and me and guys, because apparently it was just absolutely hilarious. Whatever. I was so angry and I cried a lot. But like I said, it's been shoved aside like all our arguments. "Arguments" is such a misleading term, though; when I "argue" with my friends, it basically involves me being upset/angry and them rolling their eyes.

Anyway, Diana and I have been bonding during this summer, so I guess it's all right. Although something is different now. I feel more indepent and like I am actually allowed to have my own opinion around her. For example, I told her that I'd always thought comic books were pretty lame (she is always telling me stuff I like is lame) and she said that they were not, and proceeded to explain some to me. Interesting.

I had my birthday sleepover two Fridays ago. I gained a new fandom and Mag's wonderful present, a $20 Sephora gift card. We hung out at my house (and played SSBM) and went to Barnes & Noble at night. We are such geeks and I love it.

Then we saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which I fell in love with. I saw it again just this Sunday, and it was on IMAX. OMGLOVE. ♥! It is my new fandom. I even wrote a drabble and posted it to fanfiction.net because it looked good amongst some of the not-so-good writing (haha) and because I had no idea where else to showcase it. But god, I realized from reading the reviews I received that I have dearly missed being a fanfiction author and being appreciated in fandom. I have forgotten how much of a success and how popular I was during my Yuugiou times, how nice it is to converse with fellow authors and/or mad shippers, and that lovely warm and fuzzy feeling I get when people like what I write.

I bought two posters recently, one of Mike Teavee (he is like my all-time favorite character of anything and everything, now) and another one LOTR one to add to my collection. Now I want the CATCF soundtrack.

I cannot wait until the DVD is out.

11:54 PM; Wow. Today was one of the best days ever. I was invited to go to Disneyland with Kelly, Erin, Diana, and Amanda. Despite the fact that I live only two cities away from it, I haven't been to Disneyland in eight years. Pretty stupid, yeah. Well, I've been to California Adventures, but still. I had a great time today, though! I actually went on rides that weren't just the kiddie ones in Fantasyland!

And another great thing? The longest line we stood in was 40 minutes for Indiana Jones. Are we good at planning or what?

Wow wow wow, I've decided that I officially love that amusement park even more than California Adventures. Knott's Berry Farm is already a little too wild for me (I can only go on like...three or four things there because I am relatively wimpy) and Six Flags is just--NO. Hah.

I had such an awesome time screaming. Amusement parks are the only places where you can scream without getting strange looks from passersby. Space Mountain was "back" (not that I'd ever even dared step near it any time before) and I actually went on it. ...There were no HUGE, SCARY drops, so I was kind of terrified for no reason. I love turns, but drops are the ones I'm afraid of. I had a great time, though. We went on Big Thunder Railroad three times, haha.

Best part of the whole thing? The 50th Anniversary fireworks presentation. OHMYGOD, they were absolutely gorgeous. The experience of a lifetime.

My favorite set was the Haunted Mansion one, which was so incredibly awesome. And the finale? Wow. This was probably the most fantastic, beautiful, and magical firework presentation I will see for a very long time. Sadly, as Mother said, fireworks are things you only get to experience once. But really, I am so glad that I was lucky enough to see this one.

Disneyland is the awesomest place on earth. (Other than Vegas, of course.

)

6:48 PM; I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory again today, for the third time. The entire theater was filled to the brim with little kids and annoying people who laughed like crazy at anything remotely funny. Then again, I had half of all the lines memorized and was mouthing them with the actors. I'm such a loser (and loving it). Diana had planned on buying the soundtrack for me as a birthday present, but as the theater I went to today was right next to a Tower Records, I couldn't resist and just ran in and bought it myself. Oops, haha.

School is starting in two weeks. I'm not really all that eager to go back. This summer's been so great, even with all the homework. I mean, I've gained a new fandom and favorite movie (CATCF! ♥), I've finally gotten over that damned Writer's Block after two years of producing crap/nothing, I've seen my friends and had my fun, I've revamped some sites, I've earned some cash and learned to spend my money a little more efficiently, I've made some new friends and become closer to old ones... All that jazz. And I suppose not being lovesick helps a little, although I do miss being in love, just a tiny bit. Registration is this Tuesday and I hope my schedule will be pleasant enough. My GPA is 3.86 at the moment, and I just wish it would hurry up and hit that 4.0. I'm a bit intimidated by my classes though; what if I can't handle the workload? Eep. Oh, and what's a high school year without "drama"? If Diana and I drift apart again (or heaven forbid, Maggie), I am going to scream. And relationships? I acknowledge that I am decent enough, now, but reciprocation is the problem. We'll see, hmm?

Family life is not the greatest at the moment. Father is in China again, and frankly, I couldn't care less. Sadly enough, I'm more accustomed to life without him at home than when he's actually here. Mother and Jessica have been arguing nonstop. I've been woken by yelling and crying (of both parties) much too often in this last week. Mother is constantly on Jessica's back about her grades, her attitutude, and for not being me. As a result of being constantly scolded and yelled at, Jessica has become even snippier than usual and her moods are shifting even more crazily than ever before. Mother is not the happiest camper, either. She's been strangely short with me recently, often telling me to shut up when I'm trying to joke around. I'm not siding with either of them, because neither have been treating me all that great and I don't want to get involved in their skirmishes, anyway. Mother swears that one of these days, she's going to raise a hand to Jessica.

I hate to be ending on such a terrible note, so here's a smile, hoping for better things to come in the future.