Being around friends is different now, somehow. I feel kind of detached, but not necessarily in a bad way. I think I'm not incredibly close to anyone anymore. I guess that began with Diana. I don't know whether to just let her drift away or to do all I can to get her back. At least she calls me for homework every night. But our four-to-ten-hour conversations are gone and she hangs up after two minutes. Hmm. Participated in a piano competition/festival thing on Saturday, and received a Superior (equivalent of an "A"), though I was very disappointed at how I played. I don't think I deserve it, but the judge made good comments. Oh well, I'm not complaining.

Today was a pretty nice day. Discussed the (very interesting!) domino effect in History, took a walk and talked and had a bunch of fun in Phys Ed, Orchestra wasn't as boring as usual, and in Spanish we had a bitchy substitute but I got a ton of work done. Had a Biology test yesterday, and although I'm pretty sure I completely failed the practical section, I'm pretty confident about the written part. Oh, and I have the second highest total quiz score in all of Mrs. Elliott's Bio classes! Yay. (First is my crazily studious friend. :D) Am quite proud (and surprised!). What else? Oh, yes, new layout for the new month. March! I can't wait for spring to get here. Er, the layout. Soft pretty blue inspired by a shirt Michael was wearing in a recent dream of mine. Ehehe. :)

x Maggie Cin
@ PM 11:21 #

Had an okay day. In History we watched the South Africa segment of Gandhi, which was kind of interesting. We had to run half a mile within 4.5 minutes in Phys Ed, and I missed it by nine seconds. Oh well, it's still improvement. After taking Aerobics last (and this) semester, I feel so much more fit. My side doesn't feel like it's being ripped apart anymore when I run, and I can actually enjoy it. I always feel a bit guilty because my friends kinda collapse afterwards and I'm sitting there all exhilarated and refreshed. Hmm. We're having a physical fitness test in two weeks or so, and I'm really worried. I wish I were an athletic person!

The Sadie Hawkin's Dance is next Friday. I want to go, though I have yet to ask Mother. I haven't been to a dance since Homecoming, which was kind of...a long time ago. Hopefully Amanda will be able to go as well. Asking anyone is definitely out of question, even though there are a few people who have been sparking my interest lately. A guy I don't really know but is charming in History, a girl I've been making eye contact/smiling at a lot lately (and worrying if I look stupid doing so!), the usual. La de da.

Seen any good movies lately? I feel like going to the theatre... I haven't been spending as much money as usual (which is great!), and I feel like going out--maybe alone--sometime and treating myself to...something. The Jacket is out and my love Keira Knightley is in it, but thrillers aren't really my thing, so I don't know if I should see that. I'll think about it later. It's time for History homework. Oh joy.

x Cin Maggie jr
@ PM 11:21 #

Things have been rather dull (although not in a bad way, really) lately, but I have a feeling the next few weeks are going to be pretty busy. This week is so school-free I love it. Yesterday and today school started at 11, since the sophmores are taking the California Standards Exit Exam. Tomorrow school starts at 10; who knows why. It's great. Friday is the Sadie Hawkin's Dance, which I will be attending with Amanda and her boyfriend. Yay. Next weekend I might go out with some friends, and the Friday after that Sin City is coming out and hopefully I will get to see that with Diana and maybe work on patching things up between the two of us? I don't know. =\

We had an Orchestra/Band concert tonight, which went all right. Wasn't fantastic, but I guess that's okay. Next Wednesday is Amanda's birthday and the district's Band/Orch Festival, which we will be playing at. I get to skip Biology and Spanish, whee. :) Oh, and I have the second part of the piano competition I attended a few weeks ago on Sunday. And a Chinese final next weekend. And a Biology test on Monday. Oh dear, that's way too much for me to process. I need a haircut, or something. Maybe some new clothes. Or jewelry. Oh, I have art for you! It's my interpretation of Alfred Gockel's Through a Stained Glass Window II. I haven't worked with pastels in so long, and I had to take a picture of it because I was afraid to get pastels on the scanner (thus the bad colouring), ehh. Plus the fact that his is watercolor and mine is pastels. Ah well!

x Maggie
@ PM 11:27 #

Haven't been feeling so well lately. Caught some cold that's been going around and my throat is horribly sore. I hate being sick, and I can't even take any days off because I have a bunch of tests in the next couple of days. I doubt Mother'd let me stay home anyway. I just hope it won't get any worse. I'm especially anxious about the fitness test because running with a sore throat--ugh! We ran three-quarters of a mile today (I made 7 min, 7 secs) and god, it hurt. :S

Received copies of our transcripts, and my GPA is 3.71 something. I'm so disappointed. That damned B in Geometry completely brought me down, since it's a solid block and counts as two grades. It would've actually been better to receive a B in Biology, which makes me angry because I worked so hard for that A in Bio. Well, I guess there are worse things than a 3.7 but I was just...not really expecting it, I suppose. Received a 98.5% on a recent Biology test, and I'm so proud. Third highest of all the classes put together, and top of my class! Yay.

I've pretty much given up on Diana. I'm almost beginning to think that she's not worth it, but I still wish it would've worked out. And now there's nobody I can confide in anymore. Diana's not comforting anymore, Ridts is thousands of miles away in Taiwan, and when I talk to everyone else, I always feel like I have to omit things and really watch what I say. I can't talk about girls with anyone anymore, I can't tell anyone who I have almostcrushes on, and I miss Di and Ridtsy's wittiness. Everyone seems so distant now! I... I feel like I don't have anything in common with anyone anymore.

x Stepherz
@ PM 8:58 #

11:55 PM; AHILOVEBREAK. Really, I do. Today, Jessica and I accompanied Mother to Fountain Valley to visit the Bakery there. We had planned on eating this great Japanese ramen store there, except they were closed. We went to a similar one in Costa Mesa, except they were closed, too. Just our luck. She dropped us off at South Coast Plaza, where we spent the rest of the day. I absolutely love shopping and even though I don't work anymore, I've still managed to accumulate some money. Am proud.

It's been a whole month since I last updated, which is Extremely Unacceptable. However, I do have an excuse; I hadn't received the e-mail about the new password for the FTP, so I couldn't get in. A new layout has arrived, yes, and would you believe me if I told you I attempted three layouts before being satisfied? Hmm. Biology has been taking up my life, seemingly dictating all my emotions. Elation at receiving the third highest score out of all four classes on a test (98.6%!), accomplishment at receiving an A in the class, disappointment at the not-so-great (83% after modification) score I received on the most recent test... Ohohoh, received a copy of my transcript and blah. My GPA's a 3.71. That damned B in Geometry counts as two grades because it's a solid block and it just brings everything down! Well, at least I got in Honor Roll. I guess. [/perfectionist]

I recently got over a terrible bout of the cold that's been going around. Sore throat, fever, chills, coughs, running nose, complete loss of voice, all the works. I felt so bad that I even skipped a day and a half of school. The only other time I've ever been absent was in fourth grade when I had to go to Taiwan to attend my grandfather's funeral. But I'm much better now, so it's all good.

I think that pretty much sums up the last month. Oh, I attended the Sadie Hawkin's Dance a few weeks ago. Was all right. Met Amanda's boyfriend. I was watching them together and I was--really not jealous of their relationship. Which is good, because I really am growing up. Not so desperate anymore, because if a guy ever tried to coddle me like that... I doubt I'd be able to stand it. I remember envying my friends because they were involved around this time last year. But this whole high school thing of meeting new people and guys who actually want to talk to me... It's helped me learn a lot--about myself, what I want, and what I need (or rather, don't need). If a relationship equals being smothered, then I don't want anything to do with it. I'll stick with being hopelessly smitten with Michael, thanks.

10:00 PM; Damn it. I don't want to go back to school. Break has been so lovely and free and so unfrequented and I love it. School is so dull, really. Break and lunch are nice, but other than that, nothing's really very exciting. Meh. When I start as a sophmore this autumn, I'll probably regret not having enjoyed the nice, empty freshman year. I have slacked off like crazy this year. Even after that brief period where I was following my New Year's Resolutions and refused to even touch my computer before homework was finished, piano and violin were practiced, vocabulary was studied, etc., things have gotten back to the way they were before. Shame, really. Hopefully this quarter I can prioritize things properly, but musn't have too much hope, hmm?

The one good thing I have done this year is cut my AIM time back considerably. Sometimes it just seems like such a chore to talk to people when really, I love being by myself. That's one distraction off the list! :) Let's see, things I shall ~~attempt to~~ do this quarter:

Achieve/retain A in Biology.
Achive a 4.0 GPA, DAMN IT.
Finish homework before 10 PM.
Sleep before 12.
Do Chinese school homework.
Talk to Michael at least once. (His birthday is on the 12th! ♥)
Attempt to patch Diana and my friendship together.
Stop annoying Maggie.
Write three pages of something. Anything.
Go to Barnes & Noble for a day. Order two Caramel Frappuchinos. Because I can, bitch.

Yeah, I think I'm done. I'll keep you updated.

P.S. Want to see Narcissa?
P.P.S. I am going to learn PHP properly this summer, instead of just fumbling around with things all amateur-like. Guh.

11:33 PM; Did a stupid thing today. Went to school at 7:45 AM, having completely forgotten that there was a late start. It wasn't until the librarian said to me in the parking lot, "Hon, you do know that today's a late start, right?" that I remembered. Gah. For the last week, all anyone's been talking about is signing up for courses for next year. The classes I've put on my Requester: Honors British Literature, Honors Algebra 2/Trigonometry, AP European History, Chemistry, Spanish II, Spanish III, and String Orchestra. It's kind of intimidating when I look at it like this. Can you believe the only non-academic class I'll be taking is Orchestra? And I had really looked forward to taking some kind of computer elective sophmore year, but I guess that won't be happening. Oi. So disappointed.

Was rather hesitant to sign up for two Spanish courses in a year, but I think I've finally convinced myself that it's the right decision to make. Am overjoyed that I'll be admitted in H Algebra 2/Trig as well, since that was unexpected. And I didn't have to take the writing test to be accepted into AP Euro. Yay! Maybe I'm not doing as badly as I'd thought. Oh oh oh, I still have an A in Biology, even after that stupid 83% on the test. Yes! Now if only my damn lab group would be cooperative, then I could raise that aggravating border grade significantly. Well. I'm doing well at the moment, even in my standards. So that's good. I'm working on that list of things, really, I am! Which reminds me, I should probably get to bed soon. Sleep before midnight, pfft.

7:55 PM; Had a nice weekend. The overall week was all right. Have come to terms with my schedule and its lack of anything remotely fun. Or computer-related. Okay, so maybe I'm still a bit upset about it. But that's okay, because I've accomplished some of the stuff on The List! Here's how it looks now:

~~Achieve/retain A in Biology.~~ [I only missed one problem on the practical part of the most recent test! Am hoping the rest of it turned out good as well.]
~~Achive a 4.0 GPA, DAMN IT.~~ [EEEEE! The progress report says I have all A's. Mother was so happy she let me go out and Diana stay over and yet Father still thinks I need more of a reward. Dude, it's not like I haven't gotten straight A's before. -_-]
Finish homework before 10 PM.
Sleep before 12.
Do Chinese school homework. [Kind of. I actually did a chapter's worth of homework, after an entire semester of not doing a single assignment. It's improvement, I guess.]
Talk to Michael at least once. (His birthday is on the 12th! ♥)
~~Attempt to patch Diana and my friendship together.~~ [We're cool again. I'm really excited but I'm not going to be too optimistic, yeah?]
Stop annoying Maggie. [Um, I don't know.]
~~Write three pages of something. Anything.~~ [A gen fic about a girl and her hopeless crush on her best friend.]
~~Go to Barnes & Noble for a day. Order two Caramel Frappuchinos. Because I can, bitch.~~ [Did today! Okay, so it was only one Frap, but stiiill. :)]

I feel so accomplished.

Di and I are patching up and I really hope that this will last. I promise not to take her for granted. After school on Friday, we walked to Ralphs and bought a bunch of weird things (like baby bottles 0_o). Walked back to school and feasted while waiting for our ride. We saw The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Was cute, but of course the book is better. Afterwards, we went to South Coast to find Di a dress for her cousin's wedding and stuff. Then we bought some Wendy's (mmm, potatoes) and dropped me off at my house. Mother arrived about a minute later and invited Diana over for the night, which was the weirdest thing. (She usually hates spontaneous things.) It was fun. :) And STAR testing (California's standardized tests) starts tomorrow, whee. I love taking those. Don't you dare look at me funny. And minimum day for pretty much the rest of the week, yay!

2:32 PM; On Monday, I somehow ripped my earring out of my ear whilst changing in the locker room after PE. Panicked and walked home. On the way back to school, my cousin and his friends spotted me and gave me a lift. Didn't make it so I just skipped third. Ugh. There goes my almost perfect record. On Tuesday, I walked home from Erin's house. Mother saw me along the way and was like OMGWTF?!? Wednesday and yesterday were okay, I guess. Dismissal has been at noon for the week because of STAR (the California standards testing) testing, so that's nice.

I got my amph.port5.com site back at last, except all the files have been lost. ... I am devastated. It's my own problem, really, though. I'm so paranoid about using up all the space in my computer that I delete things as soon as I can. Big mistake, I know. I have backup copies of some things (mostly writing), but definitely not all. I'm going to ask for webspace/a domain for my birthday. I've reached the point where I feel it's really necessary.

My elementary/middle school is having a carnival in a few weeks and I'm excited. Quite a bit of alumni will be attending. :) Obviously, I want to see Michael more than anyone else. (Getting a chance to speak to him in person would be more than enough to last me another year.) And even if he isn't there, at least it'll be nice to see my old classmates. Although I do have to admit that I've kind of (conveniently) forgotten what they think of me--in other words, loser loser loser! Oh well. Even if their opinion still matters to me (and how I resent that!), I won't let their petty thoughts affect me. I'm like, sooo over that. Hah.

11:08 PM; The last week was quite nice. Even today was nice. Not ABSOLUTELYLOVELY, but nice anyway. Thursday was Michael's birthday, and I wished him a happy one. :D! Another goal accomplished! Whee hee hee. And I'm getting my homework done before 11, so that's an improvement at least. I've started taking notes in H World Studies and it makes me feel like I'm actually doing something (it's a really loose, free, thinking class and I don't like it much) and learning something. Tomorrow there is going to be a test in that class, and it is supposed to be the most difficult (and only difficult) one of them all. I'll study after this. I hate 'thinking' classes. I really can't do anything that involves analyzing (other than psychology-related things, I'm good at that) and putting "what I think" on paper. I honestly can't. People write/think of all these deep things and I just sit there going, "Holy fuck. I wish I could do that." I wonder if it's an inborn thing or if I could take a class to fix that...? =\

I have been going to sleep at least before 1215, which is improvement. Slowly but surely, yeah? Heh. On Friday I watched the Advanced Drama Project with Kristine, which was fun. Saturday was the anniversary of the Flashback Dance, where I slow danced with Michael (hee!) and I spent half of the day with my family (at a farewell dinner for my great-grandmother), half with Maggie (Spectrum! Was loads of fun. Shoppiiiiiing and eating! Two of my favorite activites, whee.), and half with myself alternating between crying and grinning stupidly. Yeah, okay. The carnival is on Friday and I have a piano recital on Sunday. Oh dear.

I've only just realized how much Mother resents Diana. 'Cause, well, she obviously means so much more to me than Mother does and Mother is completely aware of that. Mother doesn't understand my personal issues, she is just kind of irritating, and she upsets me (and a lot of the times it's kind of irrational) so frequently I just can't stand it. If she knew the truth about Michael and how important he is to me, oh, she'd probably want to murder him!

9:22 PM; On Friday I went to the carnival at my middle school. Michael was there and said hi and almost hugged me, except his dad was watching. ♥!!!

So I went (hitched a ride from Mag) and yeah. He was there and oh god, he just makes me so happy so easily. He's now in that awkward stage of adolescence and it makes me giggle because it's so him. Fuck, I'm so in love. I just--yeah. My friends are the best for taking all my nonsense and understanding (as much as they can) how much he means to me and how just glancing at him makes my heart go crazy and my eyes burn with emotion. Oh god, I'm not even halfway into the entry and I've already exploded the soppy meter.

The words "cake walk" and "sweets" have a whole new meaning to me now. :) He waved and grinned all sillylike and said hi. And braces and smile and oh! Green and white and black and smile for me! Oh, I just--! He was so close, hugging distance, and if I were bold I would've just grabbed him and hugged him senseless. But no regrets, yeah? I said hi and ducked my head and oh my god, I always feel so awkward around him--only him--and I just. I'll live on that for now.

I thought he left after that and was really sobered. And hours later, after almost everyone left, I joined up w/ some girls who were still there and Amanda M. said that she thought she'd seen him five minutes ago and I thought I was going to die with excitement. Then I saw him and ohmygod, overwhelming hope, yes. Tried to get the nerve up to go say goodbye or something to him and it would've been so much easier if he hadn't been so into talking with all his friends. But I felt so so so nervous and Mother was in a rush to get home--I kept her waiting for almost an hour (and ignored half of the phone calls) because I couldn't bear to leave with him still there. Then he couldn't hug me and I hate the fact that I was disappointed but why did I think he would anyway? But I've been spoiled by all he's given me and really, I'm just grateful for the absolutely wonderful memories I have.

It's just... He's my world, you know?

I'm so glad he was there. And now I know for sure I love him just as much as I ever did--maybe even more. When everyone was talking about him and me/to me my heart was beating so incredibly fast I just. Wow. I know for absolute sure now. I love him dearly and he is my happiness.

He is my heart.