4:37 PM; I went to Registration on Tuesday. It was fabulous. Saw people, took ID/yearbook pictures, received schdules... Mine is as follows:

Fall Semester:
1 - H Brit Lit - Freed
2 - Spanish II - Wexler
3A - Chem - Jakel
3B - String Orchestra - Venlet
4A - Open
4B - AP Euro - Peck

Spring Semester:
1 - Spanish III - Degani
2A - AP Euro - Peck
2B - Chem B - Jakel
3A - Homework Lab
3B - String Orchestra - Venlet
4 - Hon Alg2/Trig - Sargenti

As I have classes with people, I am almost completely satisfied with my schedule. The open fourth is not so cool (I specifically requested an open period in the middle of the day!) and I have to drop that stupid Homework Lab. But everything else is all right, I suppose. I've met more people and made a lot more new friends in the last year than I'd ever expected that I would, back in the eighth grade. I've even been liked and asked out, which is just weird beyond imagination, because well. I don't know. Look at me. So, I hope that this year will be just as great for making new friends and becoming closer with the new ones I made last year. And of course, becoming closer with my lovelies from middle school is always wonderful. Let's hope that I will miraculously not wimp out and just hide in the corner if there's nobody I know in my class, shall we? But yikes, the idea of going up to people and saying hi is just so incredibly terrifying.

Oh, and after Registration, I had lunch with Diana, Maggie, Kelly, and Amanda. The best part of it all? I got to see Michael, while we were waiting for a ride home outside Target. He said hi/bye to us (he did look directly at me, I swear it!), which was lovely. When he came back out of Target and said goodbye to us, I was the only one standing and facing him, so he met my eyes. I chirped a bubbly "bye!" back at him. I am still quite ecstatic (and pretty damn shocked) about that whole incident. He looked perfect, just...absolutely perfect. My eyes were wet. I had never imagined that I would ever see him again, after the Carnival. It felt...different, now that I'm "over" him. "Over" as in no longer pursuing him, because even if he'll never be mine, he will always be special in a way that nobody else can.

Homework-wise, I have finally finished reading the volume for AP Euro. I am taking a break from writing the paper for it, and the only other thing I have to do is finish The Nuts and Bolts of College Writing. Yay. And I'm also working on a Charlie/Mike fic, which is thirteen pages at the moment. Whoa, dude. It's going to end up being the longest one-shot I've ever written. And probably the best one. I hope that I'll be able to finish it before school begins, because I might not have the time to do anything after the dreaded September 8.

2:03 AM; Yikes. I miss summer already, and it's only been two days. School's not horrible, just really busy.

Per 1AB: Honors British Literature - Whoa, massive class and I actually knew tons of people. So that's awesome. The teacher's pretty cool. The time-consuming daily homework intimidates me, though.

Per 2AB: Spanish II - Quiet class, haha. The teacher does participation and I'm going to die. I hate raising my hand and being all squeaky. Last year, the only reason I didn't get the highest grade in the class (although I was the best student, I think) was because my participation grade was low. And in Spanish, sometimes I'm not completely certain of what the question was and then am too afraid to raise my hand in case I say something wrong. Meh!

Per 3A : Chemistry - Meh. I'm going to be real distracted in this class. I'm not close to anyone in it, and the teacher's not exactly the most exciting person in the world, either. I wrote like a whole page of my fic during her class introduction, heh. She giggles at her own jokes while everyone just kind of sits there, so ehh. People say it's easy to earn a good grade in her class, though, so I suppose that's a plus. I miss Biology.

Per 3B: String Orchestra - Gah, I almost wish I had auditioned for Symphonic. Some people who got into Symph. aren't that great (in my eyes, but then again, maybe I'm just being arrogant again) and perhaps I have more of a chance then I'd thought. But then again, I don't know. There's like seven or so of us sophomore girls and a million freshmen in Orchestra now. Auditions for seating are next week, and I really hope that I will have the time to work my ass off so that I can get a decent seat. And ew, Seraphina is in Orchestra with me. She giggled and pointed with her friend when I walked in, but maybe that's just a coincidence. She plays viola now (???) and Kelly made a face when I told her. Heh.

Per 4B: AP European History - I think I might actually like this class. Except for like, essays. Because I can't write essays for shit. Okay, so maybe I won't like it. Today we had to talk about our books in front of the entire class and dear god, I squeak like crazy whenever the spotlight's on me. Eep.

I miss New Person already! (Strange that I miss him when I'm in school, but not so much when I'm not.) I'm not in any of his classes, damn it. I'm kinda confused as to where I am going with him. Lust? Infatuation? Small crush fling thing? Really really like him? I dunno. It'll be super easy to tell, once I see him, but AS I HAVE YET TO... -_- Meh. I wish we had just one class together, damn it. I need something to look forward to and somebody to stare at. I need somebody to make me happy for the stupidest, most pointless things, or for no reason at all. My infatuations get me through school. Nobody in my classes has much potential, I think.

It's pretty unusual for me to be this eager to see him, after going a whole month without seeing him at all. But hell. He got me over Michael while all these other people couldn't (even those who liked me and wanted to pursue something)--that should mean something. I wish I knew why he was different from everyone else I had things for.

5:47 PM; School is absofucking exhausting. I haven't gotten more than five hours of sleep a night since it started. This week, the earliest I got to bed was 230 AM, I think. Ugh. It's the English homework that's getting to me. It takes a lot of thinking, time, dedication--and Freed is frustratingly vague in her instructions. Add that to me being the goddamn perfectionist that I am, and... Meh. She really liked my response to an assignment we got last week, though. I was chosen to read my pararaph in front of the class (eep!) and she went crazy. It was the weirdest thing. She's a really blunt, honest (and critical) person, so I'm quite gleeful and proud about that. She even read it her second period.

I guess my writing isn't as terrible as I make it out to be, after all.

My other classes are do-able. So far, at least. Spanish and Chemistry are quite dull. AP Euro is nice so far. I like rather like learning about history. Orchestra is...okay. Except for the fact that Venlet totally hates me now, though. He probably thinks of Amanda and I (and maybe Angela and Jayne, too) as the "chatty upperclassmen girl" types. Gross. I really hope it won't affect my audition on Monday. I practiced, but I really don't sound all that great. Damn it. And the quality of my playing will drop A LOT during the audition, since I sound terrible when I'm nervous and alone. Eep.

In other news. I finally got a look at New Person! I saw him five times yesterday. Whoa, man. (Dude, I've so missed this, being able to see the person I like daily. I have no idea how I survived seeing Michael once every six months.) He is lovely and perfect and so incredibly out of my reach. ♥ Oh, I hope I'll get to see him around a lot. And to add to my glee, I gathered my courage up and spoke to him! Oh, it was fantastic and I'm still on a high from it. How could I forget this? This feeling of intense infatuation, of liking someone. How every little thing makes me giggle in glee and how I could just stare for hours. I can't believe I wasted freshman year when I could've-- Well. Not waste (never waste, Michael is never a waste), but I mean, he was in two of my classes. And now he's not in any. Oh, how I wish I could've--! But no regrets. I want this round to be the best that it can be. Meaning an abundance of bravery and boldness, as small of an amount of stalkery as possible, and no regretting or looking back at what could've been. :) Things are different, now. I've learned from past mistakes and mishaps, and I sincerely hope that things will be completely sunny and wonderful this time. I'm giving being optimistic a chance, and I really hope that it'll make a difference. Even though I feel silly, sometimes, for even considering that...that ultimate goal and my ultimate wish...coming true. But I guess that's what optimism's all about: keeping your eyes on the impossible and not faltering when things don't go the way you want them to. I have to admit, I'm terrified that hope might let me down, but I really want to give it a chance. What I wouldn't give to have him as mine.

Last night, I went to the football game at school. I had fun. Diana and I hung out with bandos and ate stale nachos. I can't stop thinking of the fact that if we (us Plaza Vista kids) ate with everyone in the main area/pits, I'd be a lot more popular. I hate that thought, because most of the Venado kids (and everyone else) are dull, anyway, but there's still a large part of me that just wants to be known and liked by everyone. I have no right to complain; I'm much more popular here than I ever was at PV, but still. Not to mention the fact that it'd be so much easier on me when I have things for people. But I don't know, I don't know. I adore spending time with my friends, and I adore being away from the massive/terrifying crowd of Asians, but sometimes, I just. Yeah. No matter what I preach or claim, I'm still a girl in high school, and I still worry about popularity (or perhaps lack thereof).

7:17 PM; Holy shit, the week is already over. This one passed by so incredibly quickly. I got a little more sleep this week, but not by much. School tires me out. At least I have break, lunch, and New Person sightings to look forward to. Speaking of New Person... Well, everything is about either New Person or homework these days. Which I don't mind. I've missed liking people. I could do without the angsting that comes with my crushes, though. I cried twice this week because of him (kind of); once at home, all out sobbing, and once at school, silently. I don't know. Things were going great--I talked to him again

-- and it just hit me. Looks like my insecurities decided to return from their brief vacation. Damn.

Plus I found out who he liked last year. She rejected him. And guess what? I used to like her. How fucking ironic is that? Worst part is, she's so fucking perfect. And not even in a plastic way. More like in a "everybody-loves-her" kind of way. I'm so fucked. I am nothing compared to her. Jayne says, "So? It's liked with an 'ed', right?" and that there is still hope, because people's types aren't necessarily that narrow. Maggie says that the girl isn't that pretty (I think she's absolutely lovely) and that I still have a chance. Me? I don't know. I'm still trying out that optimistic thing. Maggie says I have as much of a chance as any other girl. (I completely disagree, but that's beside the point.) I'm not sure if that's very assuring, but I guess at least it's honest. I'm living on blind hope here, and I hope that it's a good thing.

Homecoming is on the eighth and I am getting excited. My friends are actually talking about going, this year! I hope everything works out. Being at a dance with my own posse would be a nice change, hah.

Lunch (and break) has been really fun so far. Jayne and Furai are spending a lot of time with us in the amphitheater, which is super awesome. Colleen has been visiting, as well. 'Tis terrific, fooling around and being crazy with everyone. I've only recently realized that my criterion for a close friend is somebody with whom I feel comfortable about being weird and crazy and saying strange things. I'm glad that I've found people here in high school who will tolerate my random weirdness. And I'm glad that everyone else totally tolerates me. God, I love you guys. ♥

2:25 PM;
She wanted something / Just like the real thing / He needed love / It all worked out somehow

I wish that it would all work out somehow. I didn't get a response when I spoke to him yesterday. No, I don't think he's ignoring me. I doubt that I matter enough to be ignored, and besides, I've been getting friendly vibes from him so far. It's just...symbolic, I guess. Maybe it's a sign that things won't be as easy as I'd (foolishly) thought. Today in Spanish, the sun shone into the room twice, and then slowly faded. It was strange. Maybe somebody's trying to tell me to step outside the box, where there will constantly be sunshine. And if I don't make a move and just wait (and hope) for things to happen, I will get my occasional spurts of happiness (sunshine), but there will also be times when things are not so wonderful. So maybe I'm reading way too much into everything. But well, I don't have much else to go by, here. I rarely get to see him around school, much less speak to him and observe what he thinks of me.

You know what, though? I really have no right to complain or whine or...be sad. There are people who are worse off. And, well. I guess I kind of have more of a chance than I did with Michael. So... I'll just try to make the best of it, yeah?

Spanish is good for friend-making. Chemistry isn't. Chemistry is incredibly dull. I'm looking forward to next semester, when I'll have Erin in my class. Yay! I'm going home with Erin and everyone today. I've missed our study groups; I especially miss the ones at Barnes & Noble... Books + Starbucks = my heaven. You know how I'm terrified about learning to drive? Well, the only thing that's motivating me to go register for driving lessons is the prospect of being able to drive to Barnes & Noble and South Coast Plaza whenever I want. Oh, won't that be lovely!

P.S. New Person was also rejected by another pretty face, back in the eighth grade. Why do the guys I like always share my taste in girls? I'm kinda discouraged: I'm not really your classic pretty, popular girl.

P.P.S. Father bought me a new laptop! Almost randomly. It's pretty awesome, though. Except for the fact that I feel so spoiled for having two laptops. Among other techno gadgets.

1:43 PM; It's already been one month since school started. Oh my god, time passes by fast. Each week whizzes by just like that and I can't help but think of how little time we have until Graduation. And my days have been so busy that I barely have the time to appreciate them. I'm exhausted and I need a break. But at least I'm still smiling.

This thing with New Person has been so fun so far. I wish I could've liked him last year, when I freaking had classes with him. But I guess I'm lucky to see him around school at all. It's just frustrating when everyone else seems to have a class with him while I'm the only one who actually wants to, but don't. This thing coudln't be farther from full-fledged, though. I hate that nobody believes me when I say that. Honestly, I don't even think about him that much outside of school. This thing is powered by lust and kept going by... I don't even know. Admiration? I have no clue. I wish there were some magical way to make him think of me as someone, and make him...you know. Like me and all that. But I guess things don't always turn out the way we want to. Today at Chinese school, these two sickeningly ditzy (but hot) girls--they were walking, talking Forever 21 advertisements, I swear--were hitting on this poor, adorable guy (who looked really lost), and I just... How do they do that? Just throw themselves in a guy's face and expect to be embraced in welcoming arms? I can flirt with strangers, but I just can't put myself out there when I really like someone. I really wish I more outgoing. I'm too cautious and too terrified of people having negative opinions on me.

Actually... I was never like this until after Maggie told me that practically everyone disliked me, in the eighth grade. I used to think that everyone liked me. Sure, it's arrogant, but at least I felt good about myself, I guess? =\ Of course, there was also the fact that people used to block me when I talked to them on AIM (sixth grade), but I brushed that off as them just being snobby popular kids. But the people on the list of those who apparently hated me... They weren't snobby popular kids. They were just peers, and I considered some of them my own friends. But gosh, people can be blind sometimes, yeah? I was so deluded. And I broke, I really did. I picked up the pieces myself and put them back together. People like me more now, I know. I'm rather...popular, among my own. But I pay the price every day. Now I'm cautious and paranoid and I show only a certain side of myself to each of my friends, for fear that I'll unintentionally chase them away. I wish there was a Fountain of Confidence, or something.

I did much better on my audition than expected--I have landed myself in the eighth chair of First Violin! It's nice. I play better now because I feel more confident about my abilities. :) In other news, two of my friends are being irritatingly clingy. I hate being smothered. And being the center of attention gives you, like... obligations, you know? I feel like they expect me to be this supremely awesome, worship-able being. I'm just...Elaine. It's flattering, but I'm still trying to get used to being thought of as "cool". Thanks, though, guys... It's nice to be liked, especially after you know about my...eccentricities. :)

P.S. I was partners with Tom and his friend in Spanish. It was really awkward. Can you believe that Elaine has actually turned someone down before? ...Three someones? I can't.

P.P.S. Father's fiftieth birthday is on the day of Homecoming. I don't think Mother is letting me go. God-fucking-damn-it. I really want to dance. Father doesn't even want to celebrate his birthday.

4:41 PM; Whoa, recap like crazy. Homecoming weekend was great. I had a blast! At the game, I danced with bandos and was silly with everyone. Diana ignored me in favor of talking to cooler people, and Kristine and Amanda were super tame and bored. I still had a good time, though. And the dance was fantastic. It was filled to the brim, unlike last year. I got to stick with my own posse instead of tagging along with random people I barely know, which never happened at the dances last year. Yes, I danced like a whore and it was great. Kristine refused to dance! Aww, no fun. They played My Humps and Gold Digger like twice, which automatically makes the DJ super awesome.

And last week was so incredibly...eventful. I almost gave up on New Person when he didn't respond to me gathering up my courage and saying hi to him. But part of me told me to just grit my teeth, pick myself up, dust myself off, and continue on. So I did. And fuck, am I glad that I did. We've spoken. For real. As in, lengthy conversation. Yes, he talked to me, of his own volition. It was amazing, and I think I almost died, right there. Definitely one of the best moments of my life. I don't ever get to talk to the guys I like, much less up close and personal (literally). I am beyond delighted at the moment. In fact, I am still kind of in shock.

I remember now. This is why I adore liking people. Because nothing can make me happier than things like this. And when I like someone, I feel like I have a purpose, something to live for. Life is all about the struggle for happiness, or more specifically, for contentment. Maybe that's why I always go for hard-to-get, and look down upon those who throw themselves at me. But that's besides the point. The point is... I like him now. Fully and truly. It's official. :) (Please let this turn out well.)

School is taking so much out of me that I barely have time for anything anymore. I sleep at 130 - 3 AM depending on how much homework I have, wake up at 7, come home at either 145 or 330 depending on the day, eat, sleep for hours, homework, get distracted by people on AIM, and then repeat. Thank god we have tomorrow off. I need a break. Oh, I took the PSAT yesterday. It was...meh. I hate the time limit and I hate that math is my weakest subject. (I didn't finish the second math section.) Afterwards, I had lunch with Maggie, Kelly, Jayne, and Amanda at Culver Plaza. Then I hung out with Jayne at the Bakery for like five hours. We had fun. She's incredibly sweet, saying things about New Person (in relation to/and me) that she insists she means honestly.

I think my friends are already tired of hearing about him (although I am restraining so much, so much!). I'm kind of disappointed, because I really really want/need to talk about him nonstop to someone. There's so much that I... Argh. I miss gushing to Mag about the guys that I like. She insists that I don't annoy her, but every time I say something about him, she threatens to tell him that I like him. And I believe her, because she's done it before, and...I'm just so scared. So nowadays I just make sure everyone knows what's going on, talk about him whenever something is related, and smile stupidly a lot. There's still so much I want to gush about, though, and I barely have enough time to sit down and write in my journal anymore.

5:23 PM; Another week is reaching its end. Time is passing by so quickly nowadays. I'm terrified of Graduation--what am I going to do for the rest of my life? =\

Things are nice, I think. Lunch and break are never boring; spending time with my favorite people in the world is always great fun. We may be strange, but we fit like the pieces of a puzzle. It's great. There's times when I just think, I'm so glad I rejected Northwood and decided to go to Irvine. Because even seeing Michael around school wouldn't have made up for being a complete outcast and drifting away from the best friends in the entire world. Plus, I wouldn't have met and befriended awesome people like Jayne and Mark and Furai and Colleen. So hooray for having made the right choice. Screw Uni's crazy achievement scores, screw Woodbridge's awesome white-washed Asians and cool kids, screw Northwood's newness and high scores. I would be miserable without my friends.

My family? Things are kind of at a lull at the moment. Jessica still exasperates Mother like crazy, but at least they've gotten the yelling down to a minimum of maybe three times a week. Father is in China again. I think he's coming back this weekend, but I really don't know. I think he really is away more than he is here, and I admit that I'm really rather indifferent. Whenever he's home, I only see him twice a week (he goes to work at eleven in the morning, and returns at, what, two to five AM?), anyway, so it honestly does not make that big of a difference to me. Except that he can drive me to places. Which is pretty horrible, really, but hell. Mother's been less busy lately (that'll change as the holiday season draws closer) and has been coming home at 930 to 10. Which is early, believe it or not. I don't really care about that either, but well, when she comes home earlier, she's less exhausted and therefore less cranky. I'm a horrible child, but at least I keep it inside instead of showing it, like my sister.

Felicia talked to Denice, Ann, and me about her intense swim practice, and it made me feel sad and useless. Everyone seems to have a passion and a plan for life. I have nothing. I'm not spectactular at anything, really, and the things that I enjoy doing are not necessarily things that I am wonderful at. I want to do design, but I'm not especially creative. I want to work with computers, but I'm not a ingenious expert. I want to do animation but my artistic skills are good, not amazing. I've given up on the idea of writing--I could never be an author or journalist. I'm simply not that talented. I like the thought of linguistics, but I can't speak clearly. Research sounds like it would suit me, but I have no idea where I would start. Meh. I'm so lost. Being an adult is going to suck.

5:45 PM; The weeks pass by faster than ever, nowadays. Am talking to new people, getting to know acquaintances better, loving friends more than ever. Things have changed so much with two years. I'm not the fucked up loser anymore, I'm allowed to go out (although still not excessively), and I even know guys. And because of all that angst two years ago, I really do appreciate it all. It's...great. It really is.

I still haven't adjusted to sophomore year--I'm getting five or less hours of sleep a night, which can't be very healthy. I actually have the tiniest trace of acne, now, and my joints crack if I remain in one position for like five minutes. Also, I want to do some running to tone up my legs (and get them to be tanner so I can wear skirts, argh), but I don't have the time. I want to practice violin, practice piano, write, finish transferring my files from my old laptop to my new one, make some new shirts, clean the house... All this stuff to do, and no time to do it. But most of all, I want to read. I have an entire bag of books that I want to read, but have yet to get the chance to. Man, I miss having free time. And then everyone goes on and complains about being bored, and I'm just like K:DSJFLD how?!

Even when I have a few free hours or so, that time is almost never spent doing things I want to do--there's always that damned voice in my head nagging me about getting homework done ahead of time. Homework homework homework. Who would've thought that homework would end up being my life? Argh. Mother's reprimanding me for expecting too much of myself and Maggie's scolding me for working too hard. I know, I know. But I can't stand not doing my best when it comes to English, and I want that A so badly. Somehow, I doubt I'll ever make it to the 90th percentile, but I still really want it. I think Freed thinks that I'm a good writer, but just not fantastic enough. I keep getting B's on my essays. Which is good, compared to the majority of everyone taking that class, but damn it, I want more. Eh. So greedy, yeah?

I know this entry gives the last two (three?) weeks no justice, but I'm off to 1) post one of my Charlie/Mike halfway-finished fics (OMG THE MOVIE COMES OUT ON DVD TOMORROW I'M SO EXCITED!), 2) look up a walkthrough for Fire Emblem (Oh, the new pearl blue Gameboy SP is so pretty!), 3) practice violin/piano, and 4) get some homework done early so that I can watch the movie tomorrow. =D!!! A more thorough report later. :)

12:59 PM; I never have time for anything anymore, and I hate it.

I'm utterly exhausted. I'm lucky if I get five hours of sleep per night, I'm constantly tired after school, and worst of all, it's not paying off. I think the quality of my schoolwork is receding, but hopefully that's just me being paranoid. My English quarter grade was an 89.9. All that work, and it shows up as a B on the report card. That's just great. Now I have to work extra hard (HAH, as if I weren't working hard enough already!) this quarter to get a nice A so that I can slip by with a borderline A-. Joy. Isn't life great?

Today in English our class compiled a list of what we valued most in our lives. I chose happiness, friendship, and love (although Freed only let me contribute one, because she moved onto the next person before I finished -_-). It was interesting to see what people valued, especially things like religion and work/responsibility and material things like food and television. And of course, everyone went for the "family and friends". Amusing thing was, when I said I valued "happiness", Freed pretty much warned me about becoming a druggie. Haha. I'd never actually thought about that.

Happy Thanksgiving.