2 September 2004

On Tuesday I went to PV by myself. I have 23 hours now; two more to go! Crashed at Diana's house for a bit, then we walked to Culver Plaza and ate at Marie Callender's. Called Erin up to invite her over; she said okay, and invited us to Boomers. She and Mag came over, and we had a great time. The four of us actually don't get to hang out together much. =\ Oh, and yesterday was registration for IHS. Forms, ID and yearbook photos, lockers, money, all that. Went to lunch at Wendy's with Mag, Di, Erin, Ridts, Kristine, Amanda, and Mary. Then went to the Freshmen orientation, which was so incredibly lame. Oh, well. I got to skip piano lessons.

And today I went to IHS at 745 to get my schedule changed. I was missing a class. The numbers were given randomly, so we had to wait a bit. We had a fun time, though. Played around with my brand new camera (Father's birthday gift to me! :D). Yeah, my schedule turned out okay, and Di's did, too. Mag's was completely fucked up. Stupid counselor. >=[

Thanks for the comments! Plugs - Tiffany, Steph, Mary, Maggie, and Andrew.

painted the sky @ PM 11:43
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"Nocturne" - Pachelbel

11 September 2004

So, high school! It's so not as bad as I had predicted. Nerveracking, but honestly, I like it. Woke up early on the first day (the 9th) and got ready and all that. Got a bunch of calls/called people for meeting everyone, hehehh. Everything was crazy the first day, but cool. I actually have a few people in my classes. Mag's w/ me in Advisement =D; Diana, Kristine, and Joyce are in my Honors American Lit. class; and Mag, Amanda, and Kelly are in my String Orchestra class. Lucky Mag and Diana have someone they know in every class, but I guess it's okay. Better than I had predicted. So far, I still like English the best.

After school I got to spend some time w/ Diana, Mag, and Erin doing our homework and eating, lol. =] And yesterday was nice. Had a really nice lunch with everyone. I like how we have our own silly little PV clique. It's fun. =P Ridts picked me up at 645 and we met everyone at the school stadium for the football game against University High (Uni). Was fun. Won like 57 to 27 or something crazy like that. We have the best football team in the district, hehh. Then went to the dance for a bit. Ridts's mom dropped me off at home. Slept at 1230. Earliest I've slept in so long. Which is kinda sad.

The worst part of everything? The absence of Michael's presence. God, I've just gotten so used to him always being there. I've known him since we were nine. Damn... =\ I cried the night before the first day of school on the ride home from piano lessons because of him. I miss him so much. All the cute guys and hot girls don't seem to matter at all when I think of him. It would be so much easier for this to end, but honestly? I don't want it to. Plugs - Maggie, Tiffany, Cin.

painted the sky @ PM 11:54
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"Measure of a Man" - Clay Aiken

22 September 2004

So this is what I do. On A Days I have Honors American Literature, Biology, [open period], and Geometry. On B Days I have Honors American Literature, Phys Ed., String Orchestra, and Geometry. After school on Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays I usually go study/eat with Diana, Maggie, and Erin. I get home around 5 or 6, eat a quick snack, then go on the computer for a bit. Around 8 I start/finish the homework (bad habit doing it late, I know =\), finish around 11. Eat dinner when done, go on the computer a bit more, and then go to sleep 12-1. Blagh. Tiredness.

Oh, and I almost forgot! I IMed Michael a few days ago, and damn am I proud of myself. I haven't talked to him ever since...last December? Yeah. It was a pretty short conversation (my computer just had to fuck up!), but I don't care. I talked to him, and all I need now... I need to see him. A glimpse, a two second glance. Anything. =\ All right, I have to go study for Biology now. I'll try to blog as much as I can, though I can't promise anything.

Plugs - Tiffany and Steph.

painted the sky @ PM 11:51
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"Cold Heart Bitch" - Jet

26 September 2004

Aaaanyway. What else has happened... Oh, yeah! I highlighted my hair, and it looks all funky awesome now. Red, lol. And the guy cut it for me too, except that just when it was starting to grow out again, he cut it back to the length that it was before. Back in May, when everyone screamed at my new hairstyle. Ahahhah.

Oh, and I made a new friend. Or at least I hope she's a new friend. I think at the moment she's a "potential" friend. I've met a lot of people, but most of them are friends of my friends and would never talk to me on their own. But this girl, Ying-Fei (she was surprised I remembered it, hehh), is great. She's in my Phys. Ed class, and I thought she was part of one of the Asian girl cliques, and well, she is, but she isn't as snobby as I'd originally thought. Actually, she's not snobby at all. She's pretty shy (pretty and shy =P), since she's new to the area. (She went to Rancho, which is like in the opposite side of the city.) I hope I get to talk to her again. :) Plugs - Mary. LMAO. Love ya, Mary. Ahahahhh.

painted the sky @ PM 9:48
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"Sometimes" - Britney Spears

8 October 2004

I've met a few more people... Have been eyeing a few certain people... I'm trying to move on, I really am, but I just don't feel That for anyone. Still stuck on Michael, I suppose. Fuck. A few more months and it'll have been two years. =X I'm doing all right on the friend front, I guess. Not excellent, just all right. I hate how bad I am at making friends. I always feel so clingy. When I try to hang out with new people. I dunno. I may be all loud and talkative around my friends, but around strangers I'm still that little four-year-old who was terrified on her first day of school and didn't speak to a single soul. =\ I just hate bothering people. I always think I'm bothering people (not my friends) when I talk to them. Damn my stupid pessimistic mind.

Homecoming's next Saturday and I want to go, except that when I brought the subject up with Mother today, she didn't give me an answer. I hope that's a positive thing. Ehh. All right, time to take a nap. I stayed up late the other night to finish a Geometry project. ><

Plugs - Clement, Tiffany, Cin, and Stepherz. Thanks guys! =]

painted the sky @ PM 5:37
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"The Boys of Summer" - DJ Sammy

18 October 2004

Winter means the holiday season! I've always loved summer, but gift giving/receiving is nice. Over the years I've lost my enthusiasm for Christmas, though. =( I guess it's part of growing up, leaving that childish glee you get from receiving presents. I don't mean that I don't appreciate gifts nowadays, of course I do. It's just different. Now it's more about the thought behind it, not the material value of the gift. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I'm gonna have to spend a lot more money this year because of all the friends I'm getting closer to. Hah. Not that I'm complaining...

Am divided over the boyfriend/girlfriend issue. I realized just today that I kind of like being single. My standards are almost too high, and I keep changing people in my mind and imagining them how I'd like them to be. Idealism's great and all, but you can't just will somebody to change. I flee from reality too much. =\ Part of me still wants a quaint relationship, though. At the moment, I'm kinda yearning for a girlfriend. It's one of the hardest thing for me, meeting people. Whenever I'm down, everyone always says, "Oh, Elaine, don't be silly. You'll find somebody in high school. Somebody who likes you for what you are," and all that. But how on earth am I going to find somebody? I really should stop thinking about this issue and just be happy with myself. I don't know. I guess it's a teenage thing. All everyone ever talks about is guys and chicks. I just feel like I have to be part of it. =|

Plugs - Maggie, Ridts, Clement, and Mary. I appreciate it!

painted the sky @ PM 11:11
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"Hand Me Down" - Matchbox Twenty

25 October 2004

I caught the flu that's been going around. v_v I hate being sick because I always feel so miserable and weak. Ehh. I'm glad I usually only catch a cold once a year. And finally it's not around Christmas! I hope, anyway... Oh, that reminds me. Halloween is on a Sunday this year, which sucks, but oh well. Last year was nice, being on a Friday. I invited my friends over and we're going to go trick-or-treating again. Hahahh, I can't believe we haven't outgrown that. But it's free candy and fun, so hell, who cares? =D I don't even really eat the candy much, I just like running around yelling with friends and little kids. Heh. Oh, and of course, being scared to death w/ all the decorations. Last year somebody built a maze in their garage and I went through half of it then ran out terrified. -_- And there was this stand-up coffin with some fake body that popped out when you walked past it and it made Maggie scream twice. In a row. lol. Such wimps we are. =] Anyway. Should be fun.

I'm going to try to loosen up about the relationships issue. Keyword: try. It's hard when I have so many of those damn "mini-crushes", and almost like this one guy in my Geometry class. =\ But I will try. Because really, I don't even know what I want. A guy? A girl? Either? None at all? I'll give it some thought.

Thank you all for the great support. =] Plugs - Maggie, Tiffany, and Ridts.

painted the sky @ PM 5:13
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"Rock Wit U" - Ashanti

29 October 2004

Felt better later, though. I apologized profusely to Victor, and he's cool with it (or so he says; I bet he's disappointed, or maybe annoyed), and I even IMed Michael and he said it's all right. I bet it was just a dismissal, but that's okay. Makes me feel a ton better. Besides... This is what I wanted. To see him, even for a bit. I didn't think I'd ever see him again, and I did. That's all that really matters, right? =] Anyway. Enough about Michael. Stayed up until 430 AM or something writing my editorial for English on gay marriage and the constitutional amendment Bush wants. Blah. Have to give a speech on it next Tuesday. =X Scared. Hate speeches. I have horrible enunciation/speaking skills. Oh, and we're having something akin to a party on Halloween. I'm having a few friends over, and Jessica is as well. Candy abounds. :) And I love my costume. I'll post some pictures up later.

painted the sky @ PM 7:34
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"Desperately" - Michelle Branch

4 November 2004

Things have been okay. I know I'm not over Michael (my doubts were dispelled when I finally got to see him last Tuesday), but I think I'm moving on. Damn it. I'm not supposed to move on until I get over him. =\ So maybe there's this guy... He's in one of my classes and lately we've been having a lot of fun together, but I don't know. I don't know if I'm in denial because I feel like I'm betraying Michael again (kinda like w/ Justin). Maybe I like him and I just can't accept it.

Plugs - Mary and Maggie.

painted the sky @ PM 11:07
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"Feel" - Matchbox Twenty

7 November 2004

Nothing really significant on the family front, really. Father's been gone for two weeks and he's not returning until Thanksgiving. I never really feel his absence anymore. And Mother's still acting off. I don't know what to make of it, so I'm just dealing, I guess. I'm suddenly having a hard time with some of my friends, though (in my mind). On Friday I went to watch the school drama production. My friends and I had arranged to meet up, but they all went in w/o me. Waited for approx. fifteen minutes; no sign of anyone. I called them and they told me they'd been inside for a while. This made me angry. We had arranged to meet up, but they had just gone inside? They later told me that they'd assumed that I'd gone inside already. Goddamn. Did they have no faith that I would've kept my word? Well. I bet Diana just thought, "Fuck Elaine," and the rest just went along with the flow.

When it was over, I had to give them rides home so we sat in front of the aquatic center, waiting for Mother. I think Diana and Ridts were making fun of me and Diana said something like, "See what a bitch she is?" I don't know why exactly, but that just killed something inside of me. It's like something within myself broke and let flow the feelings I've been holding in since high school started. You see... Diana and Ridts are getting pretty damn close. I guess it's only natural; they watch the same kind of shows/movies and share humor and things like that. That doesn't make it hurt any less, though. I've always been jealous of my close friends befriending others, you know? I'm possessive in that sense, but... I don't know. I hate it. They both stole away my best friends by becoming closer. And you know what hurts? I wasn't ever either of their best friends. Fuck. I can't even think about this without tearing up.

Ridts is all right in my book, I guess, since she was acting okay towards me before Friday night. But damn it, Diana is upsetting me. They're right. High school really does change everything. I guess she's growing out of our friendship. I'm probably too lame and pathetic for her. I mentioned something vaguely about this recently, and she told me that she loves me much more than she loves the others. I have treasured that thought for the past week, but after Friday... I don't know. Fuck. Life is so very fair. Nothing. Comes. Without. A. Price. I got all the friends that I'd wanted back in January...

And now I'm paying for it.

Plugs - Kristine, Mary.

lit the candle @ PM 5:27
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"Bright Lights" - Matchbox Twenty

12th November 2004

So I've got some things sorted out. Some. Not all. Diana likes me, she really does. I hate that she doesn't show it, but I guess in my heart I know. That's what really matters, right? Yeah, but I still love affection. She and Diana came over yesterday and we watched some movies and just hung out. I'm still jealous--you know that--but it's better; I can (pretty much) handle it now. And Ridtsy told me something important... That there was only one time that she had gone over to Diana's house w/o me knowing and Di had made her promise not to tell me. That, in my twisted world, is one of the sweetest things ever. She knows I get jealous; she remembers me being jealous over her other friends when we were younger. And what this tells me is that she doesn't want to hurt me. She actually cares.

I was so irrational... We've been friends for five years. So things aren't the same as they were in 4th grade or 8th grade or even this summer. But she still loves me, and that's the most important thing of all, right? Yes. I love her, too.

Ohh, and I just came back from watching The Polar Express<3!!! What a lovely movie. I absolutely love the ending. I've loved that book since the first time I read it. I'm such a child at heart. =D Thanks to all for understanding. :) Plugs - Cin, Bril, Maggie, Clement.

lit the candle @ PM 11:51
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"Bright Lights" - Matchbox Twenty

20 November 2004

Friends friends friends. High school really does give you a fresh start. My PV friends and I are getting closer, I'm making new friends and acquaintances, and guys don't avoid me anymore. It's really quite nice. And Tom gets extra points for being such a sweet and cool friend. =D Jason and Phillip and Amanda are coolness, too (they keep me awake in Geometry now, heh). Hahahh. Ohh, and I'm over the Iwanttobeinarelationship thing. Nowadays, everyone's love lives just seems to be falling apart, and things don't seem to be as great as they did before. Maybe it's a good thing I'm single. =S

PV seems so strange now, though I still miss it. Really, I miss the people and the closeness of it all. Though there were definitely bad things... Being stuck at one school w/ all the same people for five yeras does put them in the position to stereotype you. Up until 6th grade I was the "smart-pants quiet girl". I hated it back then. Then in 7th and the beginning of 8th I was the "annoying know-it-all over there" or simply, "LOSER!" After fall break in 8th, I ecame "freako stalker girl obsessed w/ Michael" or "OMG, she's bi?!" It's nicer now. Now I'm actually Elaine, and everyone has an actual opinion on me, not just the standard. It's so nice. =] All right, Mag's party is later tonight and I have to go get ready. More later!

Plugs - Cin, Maggie, Stepherz.

lit the candle @ PM 2:44
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"1, 2, Step" - Ciara

3 December 2004

Things are odd now. Multiple guys are actually starting to like me, and it's throwing me out of whack. I mean sure, there were a few in the past, but they never really wanted to get to know me or anything. I feel so bad, because I'm still stuck on Michael. I know, I know, but I started missing him again. =\ And there's this one guy in one of my classes who I kind of like, but I'm not sure. I should really stop liking hardtoget guys.

Ohh, and I do have some good news! I got an A on a recent Biology test on what is supposedly the hardest unit of this semester. 94%, not bad. =D And I'm doing better in English now (finally!); I received A-'s for both my editorial on gay marriage (and a B+ on my persuasive speech) and my Powerpoint presentation (vocabulary). I'm working to raise my B to at least an A-. And I'm doing pretty good in Geometry, too, and am trying to raise my current B as well. I got a 95% on my project and a 91% on my midterm! =]

Thanks for all the comments! Plugs - Cin, Maggie, Stephanie, Kristine, and Tiffany.

lit the candle @ PM 7:11
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"My December" - Linkin Park

9 December 2004

Diana has been much friendlier to me in the last few days. It's almost like the old times. I'm glad. =] Oh, and at the end of this year... I have some resolutions that I really do want to keep. Things like getting enough sleep, not staying up until past midnight completing homework (unless it's completely necessary), staying away from the computer until other tasks are finished (like writing and practicing my instruments), eating healthier... Ehh, difficult things for me to accomplish, but I'm willing to try. Will go holiday shopping this weekend. Need to finish up all the presents, especially those for friends. Ah, will miss everyone over winter recess, but hell, it's two weeks (I miss the three-week-breaks at PV =\) of sleep. Finally. I am so tired.

Thanks, sister of mine. -_- Plugs - Jess.

lit the candle @ PM 10:12
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"Let It Snow" - Jessica Simpson

17 December 2004

Diana is being consistently friendly again, and it's just lovely. She's called me every night this week, something that she hasn't done since earlier this year. I'm really hoping that things will remain this way. I really can't stand being so angry at her that I cry whenever I think about our friendship. This is one of the best holiday presents ever. Oh, and speaking of presents, I've received so many nice ones today. Thanks so much, everyone. =]

Been feeling like something's really missing lately. Not something major, not anything that's ripping me apart or whatever, just something's not there. I wake up every morning, and there's just something wrong. I remember last year I would wake up and feel so excited to see Michael, to maybe talk to him, to watch him in class, all that lovely stuff. I guess I miss that, that feeling of being excited/happy/gleeful about the smallest, most insignificant things. Here, I don't feel for anyone like I feel for him. I may be accustomed to not seeing him everyday, but there's still a part of me that just... Yeah. =\ God, I miss him. In my heart, nobody here truly compares.

lit the candle @ AM 10:51
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n/a

23 December 2004

Break is so good. I love being almost bored. Hahahh. I really do prefer this to all the stress school gives me. And being away from school gives me an opportunity to be away from people and all the problems/worries they give me. I guess recently I've been feeling more antisocial, like way back in seventh grade. Having alone time is so important to me. Sometimes I worry/think about unimportant things too much and being away is just such a relief. Plus the absence of homework is great as well. Sad thing is that so far, I've only had one day of sleeping in ('til 5 PM, though :D). How weird is that?

Strangest thing is that there's nothing I really want for Christmas. Nothing that can really be purchased, anyway. Most of all, you know I'd like Michael. As mine, to talk to me, to see him, whatever. I feel weird not having a materialistic wish. Is that what it's like growing up? You stop being so shallow and appreciate the aesthetic depth in everything?

Happy holidays, everyone.

Plugs - Maggie and Kristine.

lit the candle @ AM 2:30
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"Sleigh Ride" - Clay Aiken

29 December 2004

Break is passing by swiftly. Too swiftly! I'm so used to the year-round schedule that two-week breaks seem so short. Lots to do before school starts on Monday. Have already finished The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck for English. Pretty good book. Also have a Geometry project due next week, though I did start it today. Yay for non-procrastination! Then I have this genetics packet for Biology I have to finish. And the test for the unit is on the first day back. =\

Not looking forward to school starting up again. I used to, you know, because of Michael and all that. But things have changed. A lot. And while friends give me joy like no other, I guess sometimes I just need time away. Plus, everything has settled down into this routine that I'm kinda bored of. I keep trying to tell myself that the monotony is good, but I don't know. Maybe it's just that nobody here really makes me feel... He did.

lit the candle @ PM 8:24
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"Macarena" - Los Del Rio